Living in an ageist culture that equates sex with youth, you may believe things fizzle out in the bedroom after you hit a certain age. But in many cases, that’s just not true.

In fact, 43% of Americans over age 50 say their sex life is “just as or more adventurous” than it was in their younger days, according to one 2019 survey. Another survey from 2021 found that 35% of people in this age group say their sex drive is higher now than when they were younger.

That said, our bodies and lives change as we age, which can result in some shifts in the bedroom, too.

“It is extremely important to note, however, that while changes in sexual feeling and function as we age are normal, problems are not, though we sometimes assume they are,” clinical sexologist and sexuality educator Lawrence Siegel told HuffPost.

As we get older, we need to establish new norms for ourselves, adjusting our expectations as time passes.

“A 55-year-old should not be trying to maintain the same level of interest or stamina as a 25-year-old,” Siegel said. “While things seem to work automatically when we’re younger, we have to provide more effort and awareness to them when we get older.”

To that end, we asked Siegel and other sex therapists which bedroom issues people commonly encounter in this phase of life and how to address them.

Our mindset around sex as we age has a huge impact on our sex lives. And negative beliefs in this area are a “much bigger problem than most people realize,” said psychotherapist and sex therapist Nan Wise.

“We need to debunk some of the more pernicious myths and misconceptions about our sexuality as we mature. Yes, hormonal changes can negatively impact us as our bodies adjust to the shifting sands of time, but this is greatly exacerbated by our culture’s hangups about sex in general and, even more so, about sex as people age,” Wise, author of “Why Good Sex Matters,” told HuffPost.

People in their 50s have to “get past the societal stigma that they are less sexual due to their age,” said psychologist and sex therapist Shannon Chavez. In her practice, she found that many people in this age group have better sex than when they were younger.

“They are more clear on what they want and how to express it,” she told HuffPost. “Sex in your 50s is often more connected and comfortable with less performance anxiety and sexual hangups from the past. Most people in this age group are more confident and have had experience to know what they want and can be much more assertive towards a partner.”

The drop in estrogen levels that occurs with menopause can cause vaginal dryness — which, in turn, can impact sexual functioning. It’s estimated that about half of post-menopausal women deal with this condition.

“This can lead to painful or uncomfortable sexual experiences for some, which is why all women over 50 should have a good lube on hand,” Siegel said.

Spending more time on foreplay may also be helpful. Being more aroused can increase vaginal lubrication, making sex feel more pleasurable. If vaginal penetration is too painful, other activities, such as oral sex or using sex toys, might feel more enjoyable.

It’s worth noting that many women go through menopause without “any real issues,” Siegel said, “other than a sense of liberation from the chance of getting pregnant.”

As men age, things change in the erection department — and that’s normal.

“They will not have the same kinds of spontaneous or reflexive erections the way they used to,” Siegel said. “And they will find that they may need more and varied stimulation in order to get or maintain an erection. In addition, they may also find that their erections are not as hard or robust as they used to be.”

Having erection trouble from time to time is not unusual. But if you’re unable to develop or sustain an erection most times you try to have sex, you might be dealing with erectile dysfunction. Speak with your doctor, as this can be a sign of an underlying health condition.

Also, the volume of ejaculate and the force with which it’s released may be “significantly less” than what they’re accustomed to, Siegel said.

Men are socialized to think their sexual vitality “hinges on the unfailingly consistent performance of their penises,” said Wise, which can be “a recipe for problems as men age.”

“It is also one of the most common issues that impact erectile challenges,” she said. “Even young men experience erectile dysfunction as they become preoccupied with the state of their penises during lovemaking.”

To combat this, Siegel said the most important thing is to relieve performance pressure and change the objective of sex in the first place.

“If we approach sexual encounters with the idea that we are simply wanting to share this pleasurable experience, and if ejaculation occurs, great; if it doesn’t, it can still be sharing a great, pleasurable experience,” he said. “Our intimate and erotic experiences can be greatly increased if we look at orgasm less as a goal and more as a nice side effect of sharing pleasure.”

Stress, physical health problems, mental health issues, medication side effects and declining hormone levels can all contribute to decreased libido.

Prevalent issues for those in their 50s include “dealing with changes in their physical body and energy levels which can lead to low desire,” Chavez said, noting that menopause and other hormonal shifts are common during this time. “The hormonal shifts not only affect physiology and sexual desire but can also impact mental health, including fatigue and changes in mood,” Chavez added.

She suggested getting a hormone panel to see how to balance your hormones and reduce unwanted symptoms.

“Most hormonal changes are very manageable with the right support,” she said.

Siegel said, “it’s perfectly normal” to have less interest in sex as we age.

“For some, hormone-replacement therapy might be appropriate,” he said.
“For others, more naturalistic things like yoga, meditation, and supplements can be helpful.”

Finding ways to alleviate stress may increase your desire for sex and make you happier and healthier overall. For example, Wise recommends daily breathing exercises to “access the healing power of the parasympathetic ‘restorative’ state.”

“Most of us spend most of our time in ‘fight-or-flight,’ which is when the body pumps out stress hormones that aren’t meant to be flooding us so consistently,” she said. “This perpetual state of hormonal stress erodes our sense of well-being and can put a kibosh on our sex drives, to boot.”

Take five minutes once or twice a day to do this practice. First, find a quiet spot to sit and “give yourself permission to be exactly as you are and for the moment to be exactly as it is,” Wise said. This is also known as radical acceptance.

“By giving yourself permission to start from where you are, you can loosen and soften a whole lot of the stress we accumulate when we resist what is,” she said.

Then take a long, smooth inhalation through your nose and a long soft exhalation.

“When you make your exhalation longer than the inhalation, your brilliant body shifts your nervous system into the restorative mode, your heart slows down, and your stress hormones decrease,” Wise said.

When stress crops up throughout the day, consider that your cue to slow your breathing.

“You may find that this simple practice becomes a wonderful new habit that enhances overall well-being and helps you tune into your lust for life — both in and out of the bedroom,” Wise said. ”Remember, pleasure isn’t a luxury. It’s a necessity for a healthy mind and body and a life worth living!”

It was a cold winter day a year into the pandemic, and I was scrolling the news on the internet when an article caught my eye. In it, a pretty mom revealed she was making over six figures a month posting racy photos on OnlyFans, an online subscription-based site that features adult content creators.

I was 53 and single after the pandemic had thrown cold water on a promising long-distance relationship. I was raising my preteen son, taking care of my aging mother and working a remarkably boring office job that offered no benefits or chance for career advancement, but it was close to home and had day shift hours, which was best for my son.

I chose to become a solo mother at age 42 using fertility treatments after I was dumped by my fiancé for a woman 10 years younger than me. Becoming a mother was important to me, and I made choices that prioritized my son. My office job was a significant step down from the career I had in my 20s and 30s as a consumer product sales manager, but I had been required to travel frequently for that job, and that wouldn’t allow me to be the kind of parent I wanted to be. We make choices and then we live with them.

However, when I saw that article, I had what people refer to as an “aha” moment. I felt what I can only call electrical surges pulsing through me as I read. I kept thinking there had to be a catch — I could take racy photos from the safety and comfort of my own home, control my schedule and make more money than I was making from my 40-plus-hour-a-week job? How could that be possible?

I read several other articles about mom OnlyFans models, and the women were all attractive, but they weren’t supermodels. I wasn’t in great shape but felt I could clean up well enough that maybe, just maybe, this could be my chance to make some additional income. I will never forget thinking, If I can make one-tenth of what these women make, it will be life-changing.

For the next month, I worked during the day, did my “mom duties” when I got home and then went into full-on OnlyFans research mode once my son went to bed. Most nights, I fell asleep at 2 a.m. after hours of reading and strategizing.

My first hurdle was that social media wasn’t my thing ― at all. I had a small Instagram for my dog and a Facebook page for close friends and family. My identity was Mom ― that’s it. I didn’t know how to market myself or what kind of posts I should be sharing to get viewers, and I especially didn’t have any experience in adult content.

I had done some glamour modeling in my 20s, but the only reason in the past 30 years I’d ever dressed up was to go on a date or take photos for dating apps. My wardrobe was corporate casual, or what I refer to as “everyday mom.” I hadn’t even worn a two-piece swimsuit in 12 years!

I also wasn’t convinced that men would find me attractive. My mother had told me that “when a woman is past 45, she becomes invisible to men.” When I went on dating apps and saw that most men around my age were looking for women much younger than me, I accepted that she was right. I felt resigned to the fact that my days of being desirable were over.

I also believed that after stepping away from my career to raise my son, I would always be working low-paying jobs that fit my schedule, and my only hope was that I could stay healthy enough to keep working ― maybe even work multiple jobs if necessary ― so I would never be a burden on my son.

The more I scoured the internet for information and “spicy” content creators, the more and more “average”-looking, real women I saw ― and they were successful! They weren’t perfect, but men were loving their imperfections! For so many years, I had been told by the media that the ideal woman was 25 years old, fit, trim and “perky,” and that the further you got from that ideal, the less desirable you were. But I found women celebrating their unconventional curves, lumps, dimples ― you name it ― and all shapes and sizes were being shown and admired! I even saw some women my age and older. It was a revelation! I thought, Maybe I can do this. Maybe this is my chance to change everything.

After months of obsessively researching, planning and strategizing how to not only create a page that would please subscribers but also how to find them in the first place, I officially launched my OnlyFans page and a less-racy sister account on Instagram. However, I didn’t show my face. I will never know how I got views with just my “mom bod,” but I did, and after four days, I had my first two OnlyFans subscribers. One was 28 years old and the other was 29. I had assumed that the only subscribers I would get would be my age or older, but boy, was I wrong! The one thing all my research hadn’t uncovered became the key ingredient to my success: Many men in their 20s and 30s fantasize about being with an older woman!

Today, I have had fans from 19 to 79, but my core demographic fan is men 24 to 40. I was honestly shocked that men in their late 20s would find me attractive. I asked so many questions to those two first subscribers, and they were happy to give me the feedback that allowed me to grow and create my brand. After two weeks, I showed those two subscribers my face and asked if they thought it would help bring in new subscribers. They were enthusiastic that it definitely would. This gave me the confidence to show my face ― an incredible leap of faith and a huge risk, as I knew my conservative boss would fire me on the spot if she found out what I was doing.

My Instagram follower count exploded, and by the end of April 2021, I had 10,000 followers and 65 subscribers to my OnlyFans account. With the subscriptions and by fulfilling custom requests (subscribers can inquire about specific content they want from me for an additional fee), I made just under $2,000 in my first month. My no-benefits, full-time job paid me $2,700 a month before taxes. I was brand new on social media and OnlyFans, working constantly and learning all that I could, but I could do the math, and it was clear I was on to something. In May of 2021, I made $5,000 on OnlyFans, and I knew I was leaving money on the table because there weren’t enough hours in the day to create content and interact with my fans.

A few weeks later, my boss called me into her office to criticize me for something. I was suddenly faced with that glorious moment that so many poorly treated employees dream of: I watched her scowl and her mouth moving while thinking, I don’t need this. This job is holding me back from making more money. I resigned the next day. I started doing OnlyFans full-time in June 2021, and that month, I made over $10,000. It would have taken me more than three months to make that at my office job!

In three months, I had made the “one-tenth” I had dreamed of during my “aha” moment. I was able to control my day, be creative, be at home with my family, and I saw the very real possibility of making more ― all as a 50-plus mom! Not only was I not “invisible” to men; there were fans spending money on me! I quickly reached the lauded Top 1% of OnlyFans creators, which meant out of the 1.5 million creators on the platform at that time (it’s now 3 million), I was making more money than 99% of them.

I have grown my social media exponentially, been the subject of numerous domestic and international news articles, been a guest on numerous podcasts, and late last year, I was honored to have a two-page spread in the U.K.’s best-selling women’s magazine!

My friends and family know about my new career, and I have received a variety of responses ― from celebration and encouragement to resentment and avoidance. My son knows that I am an adult model, but that’s all he wants or needs to know. What’s more important is that he knows that he is loved beyond measure, and this career has afforded us vacations and financial stability we would not have without it. He also knows that his college is paid for and that I’m a much softer touch to buy a video game now than I was two years ago.

We have had frank conversations about my motivations, and I believe that my example will help him to understand and respect people who do the kind of work I do, instead of shaming them. I recently asked him if he would ever date a woman on OnlyFans, and he replied, “Why would that matter? That would just be her job.” I believe, if anything, this experience is helping him be more open and respectful toward women. Of course, he thinks my TikToks are “cringe,” but that’s what I expect from any teenager!

Is this career easy? No. I work around the clock answering messages, posting photos on my subscription sites and free social media accounts, and creating the photos and short-form videos that OnlyFans creators use as advertising. I’m always taking photos and managing my pages ― even when I’m on vacation.

If content is king in the online creator world, planning is queen. A lot goes into those flirty, entertaining video clips on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and TikTok, from choosing the location, lighting, sounds, makeup and wardrobe to getting into the right mood to exude the happy, smiling, natural Midwest mom people have come to know and expect from me. As any performer knows, compartmentalizing is just part of the job. No matter what is going on in my personal life, I am online to entertain, to make someone smile or feel better than when they logged on. There are many times when the last thing in the world I want to do is put on something revealing and smile for the camera, but it’s part of the job, and I do it ― and that’s why I’m so successful and have such an incredible and loyal fanbase.

The past year has been particularly tough because my mom’s health has deteriorated to the point that she needed to move into an assisted living home. There have been times when I literally went from spending hours at urgent care, came home to be a mom ― including cooking, cleaning and helping with homework ― and then got myself into hair and makeup to create flirty Instagram reels before finally falling into bed for a good cry. However, I am always grateful for the money and control over my schedule that has allowed me to help my mom and to be the available mom I am to my son.

I am lucky to have so much flexibility in my life, but with demanding fans, online trolls, social media platforms that ban adult models’ accounts, as well as the pressure to consistently look good and produce entertaining content, this is hardly easy money. The constant state of hustle and lack of support can be precarious for the mental health of content creators. After all, we are still human, and the negativity we face from keyboard cowboys or the ever-present threat of content being declared too racy and losing a social media account (and the precious promotion it provides) can wear down anyone’s confidence.

Thankfully, I have been able to virtually meet and network with women all over the world who do what I do, and they understand what I’m going through much more than any “civilian” ever could. We frequently discuss our mental health and support one another, which is incredibly important, as this job can be unbelievably isolating. Despite all of these challenges, the rewards have been life-changing. I am finally building my retirement savings, I bought a new car, I’ve been able to show my son the world, and we’ve made memories that would not have been possible before I became an adult content creator.

I’m often asked how I feel about being objectified for a living. As a young woman working in offices and holding down other “normal” jobs in the ’80s and ’90s, I was often objectified or experienced what would now be considered sexual harassment when I was just trying to do my work. On countless occasions, my looks and body were commented on by men in charge, and I was powerless to do anything other than quit.

Now, I have the power to choose what I show, how I show it and when. If I don’t like a response, I can choose to ignore or block that person. I am much more empowered than I ever was as a 20-something office assistant. I have more control over my body and how it’s viewed than I did as a 22-year-old receptionist.

Some people say I’m too old to do adult modeling, but that just makes me smile. The market decides who’s hot and who’s not, and currently, there is a market for women like me — and it’s bigger than most people know. Part of my mission is spreading age positivity and giving women ― and men ― a better appreciation of aging. I want people to know that it’s never too late to start something new ― even if it’s scary or you think it might never happen for you.

My dating life is nonexistent, which is unfortunate because I do miss being in a romantic relationship and having a partner to discuss the day with. At this point, finding that kind of support seems as fantastical as the crazy role-play fantasies I weave on my OnlyFans page to delight my fans. It’s odd to know that you are desired by hundreds of thousands of men (and some women) around the world when you haven’t been on a date in years. As if dating wasn’t hard enough for people over 50, now I have to be faced with men who see me as a meal ticket, a “Sugar Mama,” or, alternatively, who judge me because of what I do for a living.

The one time I tried a dating app, two guys recognized me from Instagram and thought I must be catfishing them. That’s one of the strangest parts of being a little famous ― there are tons of scammers who steal my photos and videos to make fake social media accounts and dating profiles. They scam guys into believing I want gift cards or cash or that I’m willing to meet with them. With so much of that nonsense going on, I don’t know how I can date. So, I’ve put romance on the back burner while I focus on my son and making money. Will I ever fall in love again? I don’t know if that’s in the cards for this lifetime, and I am at peace with that. On the other hand, if this experience has taught me anything, it’s to never say never. Who knows what’s in store for me?

As I approach the two-year anniversary of the “aha” moment that changed my life, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on where I’m at and how I got here. The universe presented an opportunity, and I seized it, and because of it, I have learned several valuable lessons: taking calculated (not reckless) risks can bring about incredible changes; life rewards action; never give up the hope that tomorrow could spark an idea that could change your life for the better (and keep your eyes peeled for them); and most of all, you can begin again at any age ― women don’t become invisible at 50 (unless they want to be, and that’s OK too)!

Elaina St James, known as “THAT OnlyFans Mom,” is a social media influencer and the author of “How To Date Hot Older Women.” In 2021 Elaina skyrocketed in popularity as a 50+ model on social media platforms, where she showcases her natural curves and bubbly personality. Elaina is a single mom with millions of views across Instagram, Twitter, TikTok and YouTube, and the most
successful OnlyFans model over the age of 55. Visit ElainaStJames.com for more info.

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The gradual changes to your appearance that come with age should always be embraced. They can also mean that your makeup and skin care routines require some shifting.

According to veteran makeup artist and makeup department head Lindsay Garrison, what worked for you in your 20s and 30s might not be serving you in the same way during your 40s and 50s.

″[You should] learn new techniques and don’t be afraid to try new products. Our faces are changing, and so should the products we use on them,” Garrison said.

Whether you’re feeling insecure about the appearance of a new wrinkle or volume loss in your cheeks, Natalie Setareh, a cosmetics instructor with a belief that makeup can be for everyone, said that makeup can also be a tool to help you feel more confident.

“I’m near 40 and I’m already using makeup to give me a more youthful appearance. It’s natural to want to do this,” she said.

Setareh said makeup is often just a play on light, and her techniques involve bringing focus to your favorite features using highlighting, while helping to downplay anything that makes you feel self-conscious.

Keep reading to learn just how Satareh, Garrison and other makeup artists achieve this, along with a description of their favorite products and tricks of the trade for achieving a youthful glow.

Falling in love again at 47 and marrying for the second time at 52 was a miracle. And a bit frightening.

But, then again, falling in love is always phenomenal and terrifying.

We took care of each other ― little inconsequential things: me, placing a water glass on his bedside table; him, refilling my coffee as I wrote in the morning.

We touched each other often, like shorthand: I’m here. I’m here.

I never doubted we’d spend our later years holding hands, having better sex than ever, kissing our way around the world, then… eventually… in the distant future… the way distant future… face dying together.

But then, at 60, my husband announced he wanted to have a child with a younger woman.

Immediately my hips widened, my breasts sagged and my wrinkles deepened. Every internalized belief and vision of what it meant to be an old, unwanted, irrelevant woman became me.

A few years earlier, I’d started talking about death. I’m not obsessed ― I’m practical. Although I didn’t have a specific illness, I was aware that my life was limited — not in the sense that I could get hit by a bus tomorrow (really, how likely is that?) but in the awareness I had more past than future. I wanted to complete our wills, fill out medical proxy forms and learn his funeral preference — burial or cremation, sweetie? Did he want all lifesaving measures or not to be resuscitated? I needed to take care of these details. So if, God forbid, I did get hit by that bus tomorrow, I wouldn’t spend my last moments alive thinking, shit, I never got around to filling out those forms.

My husband didn’t want to talk about getting old and dying. He did not want to choose between burial or cremation. He did not want to even think about it. Although everyone who has ever lived on this earth has died, it felt like a personal affront to him. I got that. I even felt that. We were both doing this damn aging thing for the first time ― like learning a new sport ― and we both felt clumsy, scared and inadequate. I simply wished to take care of the paperwork and return to believing we would blissfully live the rest of our lives together.

There is no correct way to age. Some of us are overwhelmed with the grief of lost youth. Others try to exercise their way to eternal life. Some take risks, jumping out of airplanes or switching to jobs that once frightened them. Many fill their schedules with endless doctor’s appointments. Some are despondent with regrets.

I’d bought moisturizers, magic anti-wrinkle creams and exercise programs promising to reduce flab and fight gravity. I’d read articles suggesting clothes and hairstyles that camouflaged tell-tale signs of aging. I did brain exercises like sudoku to try to stave off forgetfulness.

My husband chose to have his first baby.

I didn’t see that coming.

Sixty was the age of leaving the house and returning for the car keys, the age of have you seen my glasses? The age of sudden, unwanted diagnoses. Who left a marriage at this point?

Turns out a lot of people.

The divorce rate for people in the U.S. 50 and older is almost double what it was in the 1990s. There is even a name for this group: silver splitters.

When I was younger, I’d agonized about how I’d age. My fears ran the gamut: growing stupid, not knowing my children’s names, having strangers clean my body, being immobilized by bad hips or knees, or never staying awake for the end of the story.

I questioned my friends: ”What is your plan?” Age in place? Community living? ”What is the protocol?” I heard my voice rise with an edge of panic. I did not believe I’d react well when asked to give up my car keys.

But all this planning turned out to be futile. I didn’t get to choose from my fantasy menu of aging options. Remember the old Yiddish saying: Man plans and God laughs? God was laughing, and I was suddenly trying to figure out what the rest of my life looked like without my husband.

This new phase of life required a different mindset. Now that everything had blown up and I was on a new path ― whether I wanted to be or not ― I wondered, what if I treated aging as an adventure, like traveling to a new land? Who knew which way I’d go or what I’d discover? Imagine how glittery I’d be if I filled in my cracks like the Japanese tradition of kintsugi, patching broken pottery with gold and silver. Imagine if instead of averting my eyes, I looked at my future ― however different it was now going to be ― with awe.

And with this altered perception, whole worlds opened up.

When my youngest son, from my first marriage, got engaged, he asked, “So, Mom, do you still believe in love and marriage?”

I wanted to take my time here ― he’d witnessed both my divorces. Each person we love takes a little piece of us, and then they can be careless, forget to look both ways, drink too much, climb mountain cliffs or are otherwise negligent.

People die. They fall out of love. They leave.

We grieve.

The only way to avoid this pain is to avoid love. But that is too hard a way to live.

“Yes,” I said. “I do.” I paused and said, “But love alone isn’t enough ― you need to be fearless.”

Because a funny thing happened while I was grieving my husband’s departure. I discovered I really liked living alone. I found my way back to myself. Of course, it was difficult to describe being alone and happy without sounding like I was trying to convince myself that low-fat yogurt tastes as delicious as ice cream. But there could be a gratifying ending with being in alliance with myself, my desires and the people I cherish.

People around me are beginning to ask, “Are you seeing anyone?” I understood their motivation. It was some version of getting back on the horse.

A happy ending for this saga of lost love could involve me meeting another love. It wasn’t a terrible notion. I am a sucker for love. I am still the woman who watches romantic comedies. I am still a believer.

Friends and family members would relax if I fell in love again. They would stop imagining long, bleak, lonely evenings for me. Probably the only people who wouldn’t care if I am in a relationship or not are my grandchildren. I love them for it.

My ex-husband and I have chosen very different paths to age.

Maybe I couldn’t jump as high. Conversations from last week sometimes drew blanks. But I valued sitting and listening to a meandering story of my granddaughter’s nightmare.

I sat on the floor yesterday playing with cars and dinosaurs with my 2-year-old grandson. I said, half in jest, “I’m not sure how to get up.”

“Like this, Nonna.” He demonstrated putting his two hands on the floor and his bottom in the air and pushing.

I laughed so hard I fell over.

My body didn’t work as it once did, but I was committed to not letting embarrassment or shame get in my way. I was determined to still get on the floor and play with cars. Even if it meant I must put my ass in the air to get up.

I am strengthening my skills for this new land. I am learning to ask for help and be more gracious in accepting it. I am learning to disclose what I don’t know or when I’m unsure. I attempt to admit when I’m wrong and to apologize. (Of course, I should have tried that one earlier, but better late than never.) I’ve committed to taking care of myself: resting when tired, being outside more and not creating daily to-do lists that actually require three days to complete.

I’m working on accepting that I cannot create happiness for anyone else. I can share joy and wonder, crack jokes and join in the laughter, but I cannot develop a sense of serenity in another person. Despite my many years as a therapist and a parent, I know I cannot prevent suffering. I can sit with my children, grandchildren, friends and patients. I can hold their hands and offer a shoulder to cry on, encourage and cheer them on ― I can soothe hurt and troubled feelings. I can advocate for them and help them find resources. But finding a sense of well-being is their own work to do. That is an inside job.

And, of course, that also applies to me.

I have let go of the idea that I will make a big splash and solve the world’s problems. I recycle, protest and donate, but I really have no idea how to protect endangered species or get the world to pay attention to climate change. Or end poverty. Or child abuse. Or war. Or racism. And still, I want to learn. I want to do what I can, even in my own little way.

I savor small pleasures. Daffodils. Growing beans we can eat. I pull my novel out of the drawer and dust it off. At work, I asked for a raise and got it. I focus on the birdsong in the pre-dawn light.

Despite the visible reminders of old age, strangers say hi and smile at me. I believe, Ha! They are admiring an energetic, engaged old woman.

I still carry a self-image of a graceful, pretty woman, so I’m shocked when I see a lumbering gray-haired me in a photo. I tell myself that I’ve always photographed poorly.

I choose to live with these two delusions: I photograph terribly, and strangers admire me. There are worse ones. I could choose to believe I control the world ― or should ― and always be upset when things don’t go the way I’d planned. I could choose to live with the delusion that by 70, the world owes me something and be pissed when it doesn’t come my way. I could choose to live with the delusion that aging and dying are not in my cards and be horrified at the process. I could choose to live with all sorts of delusions that would cause me to be resentful and scared.

Instead, I choose to feel graceful and love ― in whatever ways I can ― and believe that strangers on the street are wishing me well.

Virginia DeLuca lives in Boston, Massachusetts, and works as a psychotherapist. She’s the author of the novel, “As If Women Mattered” and her essays have appeared in the Iowa Review, The Writer, and others. She is the graduate of the GrubStreet Memoir Incubator program and has completed her memoir, “If You Must Go, I Wish You Triplets.”

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Paget Brewster intends to stay “inquisitive and sexy” as she looks ahead to her future in Hollywood.

The 53-year-old actor, best known for her portrayal of Emily Prentiss on the drama series “Criminal Minds,” acknowledged the new year Sunday by sharing her thoughts about aging and the decision not to go under the knife.

“Hi guys. I’m excited about 2023!” she tweeted, alongside a photo showing off her gray hair. “It’s hard getting older and not doing injections or surgery but I choose that. I’m older. I’m still hard working, inquisitive and sexy. Very sexy.”

By mid-Tuesday, Brewster’s tweet had received nearly 130,000 likes and a plethora of supportive comments. Many followers shared selfies in which they, too, displayed their gray tresses.

“I just wish that aging honestly ― and proudly ― were the norm,” journalist Amy Biancolli wrote. “The older we get, the more kickass we get. That’s the lesson and arc of life.”

Added “Portlandia” producer Evan Shapiro: “Grey is the new black. You look amazing – better than ever.”

Brewster joins a number of women in the entertainment industry, including Jamie Lee Curtis and Andie MacDowell, who are choosing to embrace their age, even if that means speaking out against cosmetic procedures.

In July, the actor shared another photo in which she rocked gray hair, noting that she’d chosen not to color it.

“I have felt pressure to dye it, pretend to be 35 again, no thanks,” she tweeted at the time. “We all have huge issues to address, I know. This is one small battle. But I think all of us have small personal battles. Let’s start by being kind to each other, even when we disagree. Please.”

Sure, Michael Myers is terrifying — but aging shouldn’t be.

Or at least that was the message Jamie Lee Curtis tried to convey while speaking to “Today” last week.

The “Halloween Ends” star, 63, shared her thoughts about getting older and the wisdom she’s gained since turning 60 — which included going under the knife.

“I did plastic surgery. I put Botox in my head,” Curtis said. “Does Botox make the big wrinkle go away? Yes. But then you look like a plastic figurine.”

Due to her experiences of succumbing to beauty standards, Curtis says that she always tells her daughters, Annie and Ruby, to keep one rule in mind: “Don’t mess with your face.”

And although the actor — who rose to fame at age 19 with her role as Laurie Strode in John Carpenter’s 1978 classic “Halloween” and has been highly visible ever since — could empathize with the appeal of turning back the clock, she insists that getting cosmetic procedures isn’t worth it.

“Walk a mile in my shoes,” she said. “I have done it. It did not work. And all I see is people now focusing their life on that.”

Curtis has never shied away from her thoughts on aging or cosmetic procedures, and has also spoken candidly about how her experiences with plastic surgery led to a yearslong drug addiction.

She explained to Variety in 2019 that she began getting plastic surgery after a cameraman once refused to shoot her because her eyes were “too puffy” on film.

“I was so mortified and so embarrassed and had just so much shame about it that after that movie, I went and had routine plastic surgery to remove the puffiness,” Curtis told the outlet. “They gave me Vicodin as a painkiller for something that wasn’t really painful.”

Curtis, who has been sober for over 20 years now, has also spoken about embracing her body as it is — and how empowering it has been.

In March, she revealed a photo of her character in “Everything Everywhere All at Once” on Instagram. In the photo, her character sits with her belly proudly on display. Curtis explained in her post that she gave a very specific idea of how she wanted her character to be styled in the film: “I want there to be no concealing of anything.”

“I’ve been sucking my stomach in since I was 11, when you start being conscious of boys and bodies, and the jeans are super tight,” Curtis wrote in her post. “I very specifically decided to relinquish and release every muscle I had that I used to clench to hide the reality. That was my goal. I have never felt more free creatively and physically.”

First introduced to the general public in the late 1980s, Botox has now become a billion-dollar industry that has challenged our relationship with beauty, wellness, plastic surgery, ageism and even gender ― it’s not just women who are getting the procedure.

According to the 2020 plastic surgery statistics report by the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, in 2020, women received about 4 million Botox-type treatments while men underwent just over 250,000 procedures of the kind.

Although there’s still a large difference in number of treatments between the two genders, experts are quick to note that, in the past few years, there has been a sharp increase in desire for the muscle-freezing, wrinkle-reducing injection among a range of people.

“While Botox is and has traditionally been more popular among women, various sources have demonstrated that it has been growing in popularity among men, as well,” said Dr. Samuel Lin, a board-certified plastic surgeon and associate professor of surgery at Harvard Medical School.

Facial plastic surgeon Dr. Jacob D. Steiger has also noticed the trend. “We are seeing the proportion of men versus women increasing,” he noted, “meaning the male segment is increasing at a higher rate. This is jokingly referred to as ‘brotox.’”

According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, “brotox” is the No. 1 cosmetic procedure requested by men, with a 400% increase in treatments administered since 2000.

Overall, men and women seem to concentrate on the same area of the face when undergoing treatment: the forehead.

In the past, “people preferred a more total effect to the point that they looked expressionless,” explained Dr. Bruce Hermann, a board-certified plastic surgeon. “Today, I find that the majority of women prefer the maximal effect possible without having a frozen forehead. For men, I find that in general they prefer an effect similar to women but a bit more subtle on the forehead.”

Although men and women tend to seek Botox treatments on similar areas of the face, experts note that the procedures differ based the gender one was assigned at birth. As a general statement, given their larger muscle mass in the facial musculature, men need more Botox than women do to obtain similar effects.

“For example, in the glabellar area [the skin between your eyebrows], for a similar effect, I start women with about 15 units of Botox and go up as needed to achieve the desired result,” Hermann shared. “For men, I would normally recommend starting with 20 units and adjusting from there.”

The expert is quick to note that the approach gets more complex when dealing with patients’ foreheads. “Men commonly prefer a more subtle effect in the area,” he said. “So I’ll use a higher dosage per area in men but inject a smaller surface area.”

As long as the dosage is adjusted, the frequency of injection is the same for men and women, Steiger said. For most patients, results last about four months.

Anatomical variations in skin composition can also potentially lead to gender-specific differences in terms of reactions and complications. “Men typically have thicker skin with higher collagen composition compared to women,” Lin explained. “Male skin also tends to be more vascular, which carries a higher complication rate of bleeding and bruising when injecting Botox.”

Although based on anecdotal evidence, some physicians also believe that Botox wears off faster in men given their metabolism. However, Lin explained that this should be discussed directly between a patient and doctor, because it’s not easy to generalize “given broad differences in human metabolism.”

In short: Men and women look to address similar facial issues when getting Botox, but the dosages needed to reach similar results can vary.

Experts, including Hermann, believe the overall trends will stay the same in the future: Men and women will continue seeking to tackle similar facial issues through the treatment. Although more women than men are likely to undergo the procedure, “the percentage of men getting Botox will increase slightly each year,” Hermann predicted.

The surgeon specifically calls out ageism in the workforce. Although ageism was once an issue commonly mentioned by women in the workforce, it affects men as well.

Case in point: In 2019, Google settled an age discrimination lawsuit concerning its hiring practices. As a result, over 200 job seekers over the age of 40 who had applied for positions at the company received a settlement of $11 million.

COVID-19 also changed things. “The ‘Zoom effect’ is a phenomenon brought on by the pandemic whereby people working from home saw themselves more frequently on camera and started to notice things that made them look more aged,” Hermann said. “A study by the American Society of Plastic Surgeons in 2020 showed an increase in interest in plastic surgery or non-surgical procedures like Botox to look younger in 11-35% of women surveyed that were using Zoom or similar platforms.”

If you’re ever considering a Botox treatment, here’s how to find a reputable provider.

When most people think of aging, they think of loose skin, brittle hair and fragile bones — but there’s one more thing to add to the list, and it involves your nails.

With time, you may have noticed changes to your nails’ texture, thickness, strength and even growth rate. According to experts, this is completely normal, and most people will experience age-related nail changes by the time they’re 40. Despite these side effects of aging being inevitable, there’s a lot you can do to manage them.

We tapped experts to learn about the different ways nails change as we get older along with tips on how to navigate them.

Noticing ridges on your nails? This is referred to medically as onychorrhexis and is akin to wrinkles on the nail.

“When parts of the nail growth plate (aka the nail matrix) become thinner and begin to atrophy, the result is ridging (parallel longitudinal depressions in the nail plate),” said Dr. Dana Stern, assistant clinical professor of dermatology at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York.

A number of things can contribute to onychorrhexis, including nutritional deficiencies and hormonal changes, but age is another factor.

According to Dr. Michelle Henry, the founder of Skin and Aesthetic Surgery of Manhattan, our nails can also become brittle over time. This is due in large part to the degradation of the structural keratin proteins in our nails, which play a major role in our nail health and protect against external damage.

“As we age, our bodies start to produce less of the natural proteins found in nails, which can lead to nails becoming more brittle, dry, and prone to breaking,” Henry noted. “These keratin proteins are also found in our hair follicles, which is why we may also see a change in our hair texture as we age.” What’s more, if you have a family history of brittle nails, one study found that your chance of developing brittle nails is greater.

If you’ve removed your nail polish only to find that your natural nails are yellowing, know that it’s most likely related to a slower growth rate.

“Fingernails grow on average 3.47 mm a month, which means the average fingernail takes six months to replace,” Stern said. “As our nail growth rates slow, the nails are exposed to considerably more environmental influences and these exposures, over time, can affect the color and overall appearance and strength of our nails.” Other common causes of yellowing include fungal infections and prolonged polish wear, Stern added.

But why exactly does nail growth rate slow down with age? Henry said it relates back to our bodies producing fewer keratin proteins. “With less keratin being produced, our nails naturally start to lose their strength and structural integrity, which may lead to thinning and discoloration,” she said.

An often-overlooked nail change people undergo relates to cuticles. Cuticles act as the nail’s natural protective seal, and when they’re ragged and dehydrated, they can separate and lift, resulting in hangnails and openings where organisms and water can enter the nail unit, Stern said. This can not only lead to infection but, combined with other changes in nail texture and thickness, can highlight these age-related changes. Ultimately, healthy cuticles can contribute to more youthful-looking nails.

Finally, onycholysis, a condition in which the nail lifts off the underlying nail bed, is one of the most common age-related nail changes, according to Stern. “The slightest trauma, such as overly vigorous cleaning under the nail with a tool, can result in the nail lifting off of the nail bed,” Stern said. Over time and with age, your nails may fail to adhere to nail beds as firmly as well.

There are several things you can do to manage age-related nail changes. For one, develop a routine for your cuticles to keep them hydrated and well-kempt. Stern recommended gently pushing them back with a washcloth after a shower or bath, as well as hydrating them daily with oils or ointments (versus creams, which tend to not absorb as effectively, she said). If you’re experiencing a hangnail, resist the urge to bite or pull it off and instead use a clean cuticle nipper and cut it at the base. When it comes to using nail polish remover, look for hydrating, acetone-free formulas, as acetone can dehydrate and weaken the nail and surrounding area.

Also, consider the nail file you use. Stern said to use a glass file instead of a cardboard emery board, as these can cause microscopic tears at the nail tip, which can turn into splits and breakage. Glass files, on the other hand, create a perfectly smooth edge. And, be sure to replace dull nail clippers, as Stern said old ones can lead to splits and snags.

You should also consider the amount of water that hits your nails. “Nails are extremely absorptive of water (even more so than skin) ― when water is constantly moving in and out of the nail it puts a tremendous strain on the delicate nail cells, which can result in weakening, softening and breakage,” Stern explained. Not to mention, this can dehydrate your cuticles and cause them to lift and separate, which can lead to hangnails or openings where infections can more easily gain entry. A good solution? Wear protective gloves when washing dishes, cleaning the house or gardening.

Finally, Stern said if you’re experiencing sudden nail changes, see your board-certified dermatologist, as these can potentially be a sign of internal disease.

Maybe it happened when you had to make another salon appointment for a roots touch-up. Or maybe it’s because you noticed a lovely gray-haired person and thought, “Could I pull off that look?” Or possibly you’re just tired of hiding behind the dye on your head, when there’s an aged-to-perfection dynamo trapped inside who can’t wait to get out.

So here you are, reading an article about gentler, easier advice on going gray. We have tips from those who’ve done it themselves and from stylists who help people make that long, careful leap all the time — while emerging on the other side, looking fabulous.

First, let’s acknowledge that there still are plenty of good reasons for continuing to dye your hair, even if some of them are based in fear that you need to keep doing it as you get older. “I find that hair dye use is more common among people who work public-facing jobs or any kind of competitive field where appearance is a factor,” said Mirza Batanovic, style director for hair care company Eufora International. “People will choose to cover the gray to keep up with appearances and younger competitors.”

And then there’s the “I’m not old; I’m actually only 28, right?” factor. “We all want to look and feel young, and we want to hold on to our youth,” stylist Rod Anker said. “For so many, even the thought of having a head full of gray hair makes them feel older.”

Those factors may be true, but are there positives to embracing the gray? Yes, said Cassie Siskovic, U.S. artistic director of hair, facial and body care company Alfaparf Milano. “Beauty continues to evolve and change, and wearing natural gray hair is a wonderful way to express your individual beauty,” she said.

Whitney Lichty’s hair has been dye-free for more than two years, and now she’s “feeling as confident and empowered as ever.” On her Silver Strands of Glitter Instagram page, she proudly models her gray-locks-looks for more than 100,000 followers. “Through social platforms like Instagram, I’m able to connect with thousands of people, worldwide, who are on their same journey,” she said.

She acknowledged that it isn’t always easy: “You’re left with a growing line on your head as you patiently wait for the dyed hair to grow out. Insecurities can creep up, and comments and stares from loved ones and strangers can leave you feeling self-conscious. It can be a lot to process, and it’s a bigger commitment than people are ready to make.”

Her advice? “I would suggest surrounding yourself with cheerleaders and people who will encourage and support you, whether that support is coming from close to home or from the many online social platforms with people on the same journey as you,” she said.

First, you need to prepare yourself for “the talk” with your stylist, who’s gotten used to seeing lots more of you as the gray hairs have crept in. Most likely, they’ll be understanding. “As much as they’ll miss having you in the color chair, stylists want to help,” said stylist Michelle Cleveland. So spill the beans and make a plan, already. And that plan will need to take into account your timing, hair type, dye type and more.

“It’s a different approach for everyone,” Anker said. “I always like to start by coloring with less coverage — so instead of full 100% coverage, we start with slight translucent coverage of about 75%. It softens the regrowth and allows clients to get used to seeing something a little different that’s one step closer to the goals.”

From there, Anker begins to drop coverage to about 50% over a period of two or three months. “Then you can add highlights or simply stop coloring your hair altogether. It takes longer to do it this way, but it’s gentle on the hair, and it’s a good choice for anyone who’s a little anxious about the process.”

Keep in mind that as you’re dealing with a new head of hair, daily maintenance will probably be different than you’re used to. “Gray hair is void of melanin, the pigment that gives your hair its color,” Batanovic explained. “Melanin typically has moisture content and fats attached, so once it’s gone, hair can feel coarser and dryer than even colored hair.” And then there’s the shine factor. “Gray hair won’t shine like chemically colored hair,” Anker said. “The lighter color absorbs light instead of reflecting it.”

To maintain your newly gray locks, you’ll need to arm yourself with the right products and treatments. Many experts mentioned purple shampoos and other purple products, which help brighten hair and keep yellow tones at bay. “I recommend Aloxxi’s Violet Shampoo and its InstaBoost color depositing conditioner mask,” master colorist Jessica Wall-Innella told HuffPost. “Start with Strictly Platinum or Silver Fox.”

This could be a good time to book some in-salon services, too, now that you’re saving so much money by skipping coloring sessions. “I recommend a glaze every so often to keep the tone and shine, and then using a clarifying shampoo a few times a week as it’s growing out,” said stylist Jennifer Korab. You might also want to increase the frequency of deep conditioning and heat protectant treatments.

Once you start looking, you’ll find there’s no shortage of companies that are more than willing to help you make the best of your new look. Jenniffer Paulson is vice president of marketing for Go Gray, which sells products “for every state of your go gray journey.”

“We see products for every type of hair, from blond hair, to curly, to straight hair, but there isn’t much in the way of gray transitional hair,” Paulson said. “We have products for men and women who are going on a natural gray journey. Everything is specifically designed to address the concerns of transitions, but also to keep the hair moisturized and healthy-looking throughout the process.”

The final key to taking care of your locks as they grow out? “Regular haircuts!” Siskovic said.

Visual evidence: “I recommend taking pictures, lots of pictures,” Lichty said. “When you’re purposefully growing out your roots, time can feel like it’s at a standstill. There were months when I wasn’t even sure my hair was growing at all. Documenting your growth can be a great visual representation along the way.”

Freestyling: “A big mistake is attempting dye removal at home,” Wall-Innella said. “Without a full understanding of color, some have tried to remove their previously colored hair themselves. This usually results in an expensive color-correction process.” (In other words, you’ll end up spending time and money back at the salon anyway.)

Be nice: “Always speak kindly to yourself,” Lichty said. “Growing your natural gray hair can be emotionally complex. When you’re feeling discouraged, speak kindly and confidently to yourself, and take it one day at a time.”

Hang in there with your stylist: “A great partnership with your stylist is key for a successful transition,” Wall-Innella said. “Don’t listen to others when making the transition. Do what’s best for you, stay the course, and remember that patience is key.”