‘Second Grief’ – Why Death Breaks So Many Friendships Apart

Speaking to The Times recently, actor Richard E. Grantwho lost his wife of 35 years, voice coach Joan Washington, in 2021 – said the experience led him to cut certain friends out of his life for good.

“There are people that have been edited out of my life, and I will never see them again,” he shared, speaking about friends who became distant after his wife’s death. “If I had done that to them, I wouldn’t be able to look them in the face.”

I’ve heard a similar sentiment from many bereaved loved ones (I’ve been blindsided by it, too). Something tragic happens, and just when you need support the most, people you’d have thought were closest to you appear to fade away.

Or maybe you feel you can never “connect” the same with your old pals after such a life-changing event (another common issue friends have shared).

What’s happening here? HuffPost UK spoke to BACP-registered therapist Laurie Hole about why friendships so often fall apart after a death.

Why do so many friendships break apart after a death?

Hole said that while death is universal, the topic of grief remains incredibly taboo for many.

“We are generally very under-equipped to understand grief or know how to support somebody through it,” she explained.

“Until you experience a significant loss, it can be almost impossible to comprehend the enormity of it – and even the grieving person themselves may struggle to make sense of what they are experiencing.”

That might mean those suffering a terrible loss feel the responsibility to explain their feelings or the nature of their pain when they might be least equipped to do so.

Therefore, the griever might isolate themselves first: “Sometimes withdrawing from friendships becomes a way of protecting already very limited emotional reserves”.

Other times, the therapist added, “Another person’s loss can bring up [friends’] own unacknowledged or unresolved grief, or confront them with feelings about death and mortality that they would rather avoid. They may have their own life challenges that mean they simply don’t have the capacity they ordinarily would.”

She said this isn’t always intentional, though it still stings.

“And sometimes people genuinely believe they are saying or doing something helpful, but it lands painfully. Good intentions don’t necessarily prevent hurt, particularly when we have so few conversations about what grief actually looks and feels like.”

How can I be a better friend to a grieving person?

Given how little grief and death are talked about, Hole shared some guidelines that can help you if your friend is going through it.

These are:

  1. Ban the phrase “at least”. The therapist said we should avoid sentences like “’At least they lived a long life’, ‘at least they’re no longer suffering’, ‘at least you had the time you did’ – however well-intentioned, trying to find a positive in somebody’s loss can feel incredibly devastating to the person hearing it”.
  2. Forget about timelines. When someone loses a loved one, Hole said, don’t try to give them a schedule for getting over the pain or “accepting” their loss. “Instead of asking whether they have accepted or moved on from the death yet, you could ask, ‘How is grief showing up for you right now?’ Be curious about their experience rather than assuming what it should look like,” she advised.
  3. Read up. You might not be able to imagine your friend’s pain, but it can help to “read memoirs and accounts of grief rather than expecting your friend to teach you everything – while remembering that nobody else’s grief will be exactly like theirs”.
  4. Don’t forget big dates. Check in on “the dates that matter: the anniversary of the death, birthdays and other significant occasions. And if you knew the person who died, share your memories,” the expert advised.
  5. Say their loved one’s name. “People sometimes worry that mentioning somebody who has died will remind the grieving person of their loss, but they haven’t forgotten,” stated Hole. “Hearing their loved one’s name can instead be a reminder that this person mattered to other people too.”

When should I give up on a friendship that’s suffering after a death?

Sadly, Hole said, “Friendships don’t necessarily have to last a lifetime, and losing friendships following bereavement can itself become another loss that has to be processed. The death of someone you love is already a profound loss; discovering that some of your friendships cannot survive your grief can become another loss that has to be grieved”.

There’s no right or wrong answer when it comes to breaking a friend off, she continued. “Repair might involve acknowledging what happened, listening without becoming defensive, and taking responsibility for the impact – even when causing hurt was never the intention.

“But if somebody who is grieving has explicitly communicated what they need or set boundaries and a friend continually ignores or dismisses those needs, it is reasonable to consider whether that friendship can support them at this point in their life. Sometimes that means temporarily stepping back; sometimes it means allowing the relationship to end.”

Sometimes, the therapist shared, grief can expose existing problems that were easier to hide before a death. And bereavement can make someone who used to put up with a lot more bad behaviour less forbearing, too.

“If maintaining a friendship is repeatedly causing more hurt, it may be worth asking whether that person can still have a place in your life in the same way they did before.”

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The Question Psychologists Want You To Ask If You Keep Arguing With Your Partner

For five decades, psychologists Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Schwartz Gottman of the Gottman Institute (GI) have studied couples and the issues that affect them.

This experience led them to develop their “four horsemen” theory of divorce, which found evidence to suggest that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling usually precede separation.

Their research also showed that couples’ problems tended to split into three groups: solvable problems and perpetual problems.

Working out which one you and your partner are arguing about, the GI says, can help you identify the kinds of resolution you need.

What are solvable problems?

Solvable problems come about due to situational issues that don’t feel integral to a person’s character. That might mean one person is taking on the lion’s share of the housework, or you might disagree on a specific issue with your child.

GI notes that solvable problems in one couple might be perpetual problems (more on those later) for another. But the difference is in how the pair feels about it: “The conflict is simply about that topic, and there may not be a deeper meaning behind each partner’s position”.

Happily, solvable problems can usually be, well, solved through conversation and careful planning.

Maybe you can assign certain household domains to one another, for instance, or agree to compromise on where to spend Christmas.

What are perpetual problems?

These make up most (69%) of the arguments, the psychologists found.

Perpetual problems are ongoing differences or misalignments that are fundamental to you or your partner’s needs or lifestyles. For instance, maybe your beau values the financial benefits that can come with working hard over a fulfilling work-life balance.

So, you two might keep having what seems like the same argument about late nights and missed dinners.

Because they reflect core parts of each member in the relationship, perpetual problems will recur. If you like to see your family twice a week and they need more “me” time, compromise might leave both parties feeling like they’re denying a big part of themselves pretty regularly.

In this case, the goal should be to “establish a dialogue about the perpetual problem that communicates acceptance of your partner with humour, affection, and even amusement”.

Identify the drive, identity, belief, or “dream” behind each of your behaviours: this can make discussing the problem easier. Ask your partner to do the same, and try to get curious about their feelings instead of trying to “solve” the issue: this can create a healthier dialogue.

This will be an ongoing conversation, so try to get good at – and respectful in – having it.

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Lee Anderson Advises Critics To ‘Just Scroll By’ Zia Yusuf’s Online Posts

Lee Anderson has advised critics to “scroll by” Zia Yusuf’s social media posts amid heightened scrutiny over Reform UK.

Yusuf, the party’s home affairs spokesperson, attracted backlash earlier this month when he called former defence secretary Ben Wallace a “traitor” to Britain.

Before he was suspended by Reform, party member Tim Montgomerie claimed Yusuf “consistently freelanced on Twitter” and “behaves like a child”.

Asked about the criticism surrounding Yusuf at a press conference, Reform’s chief whip Anderson defended his colleague.

He said: “I think Zia is probably one of our best communicators in Reform UK, very popular with the membership and a little bit of advice to anybody: If you don’t like what Zia says, then just scroll by. It’s really simple.”

He added: “If you don’t like what any of us have to say on social media, you don’t have to follow us. You don’t have to read our comments. Just scroll on by and go and listen to somebody else.”

Deputy leader Richard Tice also shrugged off the scrutiny around Yusuf, insisting the unelected politician is “passionate”.

He told reporters: “We’re all passionate; Zia is passionate.

“And we all, frankly, are furious at how the previous Conservative government let us all down because they said they were going to reduce immigration numbers. They didn’t. They opened the doors, they allowed the ‘Boriswave’.

“So, Zia is on great form. We’re on great form. We’re looking forward to conference. And as I tweeted out a couple of days ago, I think the summer heat may have got to a few journalists.”

Yusuf himself later took issue with reporters at the right-wing outlet Guido Fawkes after the site reported that Anderson had told people to scroll past his social media posts.

He wrote on X: “The Tory Labour establishment is terrified of my social media platform.

“My accounts do over 200 million organic views a month. Which is why establishment media is hell bent on trying to censor me.”

He added: “Remember, the things the establishment media write about Reform are not only lies, they are the *opposite* of the truth.”

Listen to Commons People, the podcast that makes politics easy. Every week, Kevin Schofield and Kate Nicholson unpack the week’s biggest stories to keep you informed. Join us for straightforward analysis of what’s going on at Westminster.

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Common medications may change your gut for years

Medications can influence the community of microbes living in the human gut long after a person stops taking them, according to a large study led by researchers at the University of Tartu Institute of Genomics.

The findings suggest that a person’s prescription history may help explain differences in the gut microbiome years later. The gut microbiome includes the vast community of bacteria and other microorganisms that live in the digestive tract and can influence digestion, metabolism, immune function, and other aspects of health.

Drug Effects May Persist for Years

Researchers analyzed stool samples and prescription records from more than 2,500 participants in the Estonian Biobank who were part of the Estonian Microbiome cohort. They found that most of the medications examined were associated with differences in the gut microbiome.

For a substantial number of drugs, those differences could still be detected years after people had stopped taking the medication.

The lasting effects were not limited to antibiotics, which are already well known for their ability to disrupt populations of gut bacteria. Antidepressants, beta-blockers, proton pump inhibitors, and benzodiazepines were also associated with distinctive microbial “fingerprints.”

Beta-blockers are commonly used to treat conditions such as high blood pressure and certain heart problems. Proton pump inhibitors reduce stomach acid and are often prescribed for acid reflux and related conditions. Benzodiazepines are medications commonly used for anxiety and other disorders.

“Most microbiome studies only consider current medications, but our results show that past drug use can be just as important as it is a surprisingly strong factor in explaining individual microbiome differences,” said Dr. Oliver Aasmets, lead author.

The finding suggests that researchers studying connections between the microbiome and disease may need to look beyond the medications a person is currently taking. Drugs used months or even years earlier could still influence the microbial patterns seen in a stool sample.

Anxiety Drugs Show Surprisingly Strong Effects

One particularly striking finding involved benzodiazepines, which are commonly prescribed for anxiety. Their associations with the gut microbiome were comparable to those seen with broad-spectrum antibiotics.

Broad-spectrum antibiotics are designed to act against many different types of bacteria, which is why they can produce substantial changes in the gut microbial community.

The study also found that medications belonging to the same drug class did not necessarily affect the microbiome in the same way. Drugs that may be prescribed for similar conditions, such as diazepam and alprazolam, differed in how strongly they appeared to disrupt gut microbes.

That distinction could be important because medications are often grouped together in microbiome research based on their drug class. The new results suggest that individual drugs may need to be considered separately.

Follow-Up Samples Reveal Predictable Changes

Researchers also examined follow-up stool samples from a smaller group of participants. These samples allowed them to observe what happened when people started or stopped certain medications.

Those changes were accompanied by predictable shifts in gut microbes, providing evidence that the medications themselves may be responsible for at least some of the observed differences.

Although the second time-point analysis involved a relatively small number of participants, researchers were able to confirm persistent effects linked to proton pump inhibitors, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors and antibiotics, such as penicillins in combination and macrolides.

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors are a widely used class of antidepressants. Macrolides are a group of antibiotics that includes drugs used to treat a range of bacterial infections.

Medication History Could Matter in Microbiome Research

The results add to growing evidence that the gut microbiome reflects more than a person’s current diet, lifestyle, health, and medication use. Past treatments may leave biological traces that remain detectable long after the prescription has ended.

“This is a comprehensive systematic evaluation of long-term medication effects on the microbiome using real-world medical health records,” said Professor Elin Org, corresponding author. “We hope this encourages researchers and clinicians to factor in medication history when interpreting microbiome data.”

Accounting for that history could help scientists more accurately distinguish microbiome changes associated with disease from changes caused by medications taken in the past.

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Bird flu is spreading. Your backyard feeder could make it worse

Backyard bird feeding is one of our country’s most popular pastimes. Research reveals about half of Australian households feed wild birds, with many people doing so daily.

However, this practice could act as a superspreader event – where a disease infects an unusually high number of people or animals – of the H5N1 virus. This deadly strain of bird flu has already decimated wild bird and mammal populations worldwide. It is now spreading across Australia, most recently killing more than 1,000 crested terns and a long-nosed fur seal, the first detection in a mainland mammal.

Although many Australians feed wild birds, the practice is controversial. This is mainly due to concerns about people offering unsuitable foods and birds becoming dependent on humans.

So why is backyard bird feeding such a problem when it comes to bird flu? And can we do it safely?

Not just a hobby

People feed wild birds for various reasons, including to provide food during tough times or simply enjoy their presence. Most care deeply about their avian companions and believe feeding them is helpful.

However, they may not realize the danger this creates for the birds they love.

Feeding wild birds heightens the risk of disease transmission at feeding locations. When we offer supplementary food, such as seeds or meat scraps, this attracts birds of many different species in a combination and number that would not happen in nature. They may carry deadly diseases, such as the H5N1 virus, and potentially spread them to other birds.

This can create a transmission hotspot right on our back deck. And catching bird flu can push our most threatened species, such as the orange-bellied parrot, to the brink of extinction.

The fatal effects of H5N1 are not only contained to birds. Scavenger animals such as possums, red foxes and crows can be exposed to the virus while devouring the carcasses of infected birds. Humans in close contact with infected wildlife, such as wildlife carers and veterinarians, can contract H5N1. However, human infection is rare and typically only causes mild symptoms.

Stopping the spread

Backyard bird feeding may seem like a harmless hobby. But given how many people do it, and the risks it poses to both birds and people, bird feeding activities could lead to many more wildlife deaths.

So if you feed birds in your backyard, how can you do so safely?

The most effective strategy is to stop feeding birds altogether. If you don’t offer food to wild birds, they will be less likely to congregate in your backyard or garden. And they will be fine without your help. Our previous research found most birds that visit feeders obtain most of their nutrition from natural sources, such as insects and worms. So the food we provide is a snack, not an essential meal.

But if you do continue feeding wild birds, here are three precautions to take:

Offer less food

Having feeders full of seeds and leftover meat will attract more birds. So to discourage them from congregating, simply provide less food. Much like COVID-era social distancing rules, this will lower the risk of H5N1 transmission by keeping birds separate.

Avoid hand-feeding

Having a bird swoop down to snatch food from your hand is one of the most intimate interactions we can have with wildlife. But in the era of bird flu, this must stop. While humans are unlikely to contract H5N1, close physical contact with birds through hand-feeding is simply not worth the risk.

Keep everything clean

If you keep feeding wild birds, it’s vital to regularly clean all feeding surfaces and equipment using domestic bleach. If you’re not prepared to do this, you shouldn’t be feeding them at all.

Backyard bird feeding could worsen Australia’s current H5N1 crisis. Indeed, your avian visitors may complain if you give them fewer tasty treats or stop feeding them altogether. But these measures will protect both you and them from this deadly disease.


Please do not touch sick or dead birds or marine mammals. Record the location, take photographs from a safe distance, keep pets away and report the sighting to the Emergency Animal Disease Hotline on 1800 675 888 (Australia).The Conversation

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Too much or too little sleep may make your body age faster

A new analysis of biological aging across the human body suggests that both sleeping too little and sleeping too much are associated with faster aging in the brain, heart, lungs, immune system, and other organs. These sleep patterns were also linked to a broad range of diseases.

“Previous studies have found that sleep is largely linked to aging and the pathological burden of the brain. Our study goes further and shows that too little and too much sleep are associated with faster aging in nearly every organ, supporting the idea that sleep is important in maintaining organ health within a coordinated brain-body network, including metabolic balance and a healthy immune system,” says study leader Junhao Wen, assistant professor of radiology at Columbia University Vagelos College of Physicians and Surgeons.

The research was published in Nature.

Biological Clocks Reveal How Organs Age

Scientists are increasingly using aging clocks to estimate whether a person is aging biologically faster or slower than their chronological age. These tools rely on machine learning and biological information (e.g., proteins from a minimally invasive blood test) to calculate patterns associated with aging.

Many aging clocks provide a single measure for the entire body. However, different organs can age at different speeds. One familiar example is the decline in ovarian function that contributes to the biological clock associated with female fertility.

Wen and his colleagues have been developing aging clocks that focus on individual organs. The goal is to provide more detailed and potentially more personalized information about a person’s health.

“Everyone is excited by these aging clocks and their ability to predict disease and mortality risk,” Wen says. “But to me, the more exciting question is, can we link aging clocks to a lifestyle factor that can be modified in time to slow aging?”

Finding a Sleep Sweet Spot

Sleep offered researchers an ideal way to explore that question because mounting evidence suggests that sleep plays an important role in health. Wen also had a personal interest in the issue.

“I’m also a light sleeper and was getting worried about the effects on myself,” says Wen.

To create the aging clocks, Wen used information from about half a million participants in the UK Biobank. Machine learning was applied to identify biological signatures associated with aging in different organs.

The researchers built clocks using several types of information, including structural measurements from medical imaging, proteins associated with specific organs, and molecules detected in the blood.

“In the liver, for example, we have an aging clock built with protein data, an aging clock of metabolic data, and an aging clock of imaging data,” Wen says. “This allows us to see whether sleep is distinctively associated with aging clocks derived from multiple omics and molecular layers.”

The team then compared sleep duration (as reported by each Biobank participant) with biological age estimates from 23 aging clocks covering 17 organ systems.

Too Little and Too Much Sleep Linked to Faster Aging

A clear U-shaped pattern appeared across the body. People reporting short sleep (fewer than 6 hours) and long sleep (greater than 8 hours) tended to show faster biological aging.

The lowest levels of aging were seen among people who reported sleeping between 6.4 and 7.8 hours each day.

Importantly, the findings do not show that sleep duration by itself causes organs to age faster or slower. Instead, they suggest that sleeping either too little or too much could be a sign of poorer health throughout the body.

Sleep Duration Tied to Diseases Across the Body

The results also point to a broad connection between sleep, the brain, and the rest of the body.

Short sleep was significantly associated with depressive episodes and anxiety disorders, consistent with earlier research connecting insufficient sleep with mental health problems.

It was also associated with obesity, type 2 diabetes, hypertension, ischemic heart disease, and heart arrhythmias.

Both short and long sleep were linked to chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and asthma. They were also associated with several digestive disorders, including gastritis and gastroesophageal reflux disease.

Wen says, “The broad brain-body pattern is important because it tells us that sleep duration is a deeply embedded part of our entire physiology, with far-reaching implications across the body.”

Sleep, Aging, and Late Life Depression

The organ-specific aging clocks may also help scientists understand how sleep is connected to individual diseases. Wen and his colleagues explored this possibility by examining late life depression.

The researchers could not establish whether differences in sleep duration caused late life depression or whether depression itself changed how long people slept.

To investigate further, the team used “mediation analysis” to examine whether biological aging might help explain the relationship between short or long sleep and late life depression.

The results suggested that short sleep may be more directly connected with the burden of late-life depression. Long sleep, in contrast, may influence depression through pathways reflected in aging clocks for the brain and adipose tissue.

“This has a strong implication for future sleep management and future therapeutics,” Wen says. “Our study suggests there may be different biological pathways between long and short sleepers that lead to the same outcome, late-life depression, and we shouldn’t treat them the same way.”

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Mum wants people to know ‘there is hope after pregnancy loss’

Hayley Metcalfe, 37, suffered the loss of two babies at 17 and 19 weeks into the pregnancies.

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Doctors said I was too young to have endometriosis at 13 – I had to take morphine to cope

Grace, 14, feels doctors were dismissive of her pain. She wants others to know the symptoms.

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How easy is it to find an NHS dentist? It depends where you live

Nearly 600 practices in England have withdrawn from NHS dentistry over the last 10 years, as the service heads towards a two-tier system.

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‘No More!’ Trump Lashes Out Canada’s Mark Carney Over Trade War

Donald Trump has lashed out at Canadian prime minister Mark Carney after their trade negotiations fell apart.

In his first comments since the talks collapsed on Friday, the US president wrote: “Canada wants the benefits of being a State, without being one!!!

“They have also charged our great farmers, for many years, massive amounts of Tariffs. No more!!! President DJT.”

The remarks echo his offensive references to Canada as the “51st state” of America since starting his second term.

The breakdown of talks triggered new 50% US tariffs – a tax on foreign imports – on $20 billion (£14.6 billion) worth of Canadian goods on Saturday on a range of goods, from hockey sticks to tongue depressors.

Carney chose to suspend talks rather than to compromise over a deal, making him one of the first world leaders to walk away from talks with Trump.

The Canadian prime minister said the US “asked too much” and “offered too little” in the talks.

He claimed the new tariffs were a “miscalculation” from Trump meant to “hurt and divide us”.

“You’re at war when you’re attacked, and we got attacked,” he told reporters.

“We cannot accept what they’ve offered and we will not give what they’ve asked.”

Carney – formerly the governor of the Bank of England – promised to match the tariffs “dollar for dollar” with a set of retaliatory levies to be announced on September 8.

But US trade representative Jamieson Greer told Fox & Friends Weekend doubled down on Trump’s controversial moves over the weekend, saying: “We’ve said enough and so we’ve taken countermeasures. Our interest is in protecting American workers and protecting American supply chains.”

This development is the latest sign that the trading partnership between Canada and the US is in tatters with no clear off-ramp for either side.

Listen to Commons People, the podcast that makes politics easy. Every week, Kevin Schofield and Kate Nicholson unpack the week’s biggest stories to keep you informed. Join us for straightforward analysis of what’s going on at Westminster.

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