This TikTok Filter Haunted Our Summer. But It Got Queer Men To Talk About Aging.

All summer, people have been obsessing over the aging filter on TikTok, which is so spot on that some dermatologists have praised its accuracy. But queer men across the social media platform have been completely freaking out at the elder versions of themselves — and we need to talk about it.

Whether it’s gay men joking that they need to “drive off a cliff” or pointing out how much they “hate it here,” there seems to be a genuine animosity toward the aging filter. And although they’re mostly jokes, I can’t help but feel that these TikToks point to a deeper problem within our community: Many of us are extremely uncomfortable with the thought of getting older.

Of course, aging can be scary for anyone. But in the gay community specifically, youth tends to be such a high metric for self-worth that gay men often struggle with getting old, and derogatory terms like “sugar fossil” are common among older queer men.

There’s more to it than being less desirable, though; aging can also bring to mind how the AIDS crisis left us without so many of the people who would now be elder queers.

And the reality is that the messaging we all receive daily about gay men — from pop culture to Hollywood — doesn’t really prepare us to think about life beyond youth. It sometimes feels like there’s no road map for getting ready to live as older queer men. Our shortsightedness is evident in the spaces we’ve built for ourselves, especially considering that gay spaces tend to take the form of nightclubs and bars, which usually cater to younger people.

But if we’re lucky, we’re all going to get older, and it’s time we start to seriously address that stigma. When we’re no longer young and we need new kinds of physical and emotional support, some of us could end up in community centers where we might not feel comfortable being ourselves. In fact, a 2018 survey found that 34% of LGBTQ+ adults ages 45 and older were worried about having to hide their identities to access suitable housing. We should all be thinking about that a little bit more.

As queer men, it’s time to accept that we won’t always look young, and that our looks are not a direct reflection of our worth. This TikTok filter is, frankly, too harsh of a wake-up call — but if we need to laugh till we cry with some form of acceptance, I’m OK with that.

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This Aging Filter Is Going Viral On TikTok — And It Seems We’re All Missing The Point

“I don’t like it,” Kylie Jenner says plainly. She flips her hair and stares into the camera, taking in the AI-generated wrinkles that the TikTok aging filter has superimposed on her face. Then, in almost a whisper, she adds: “I don’t like it at all.”

Videos like this one are all over my TikTok feed. Most users gawk, wide-eyed and horrified, as the viral filter generated through artificial intelligence gives their faces sagging jowls, sunken cheeks, deep grooves in the forehead and around the mouth. Like Kylie, most young people trying this filter out do not like what they see. In turn, most of the media response to the filter’s popularity has revolved around dermatology, procedures and potions that could potentially blunt the blow of nature taking its course.

For me, the filter brings up a different kind of discomfort.

I’m not some kind of virtuous exception to modern vanity. I’m 37 and just as shallow as the next person. But when I see this stream of instantly aged-up faces, I’m not really thinking about the aesthetics of wrinkles — I’m thinking about the older faces that I’ll never get to see.

Like the face of my little brother, who died suddenly almost 10 years ago now, at the age of 26. I think about his face, young and frozen in time in my memory, and wonder how it would look at age 60, 70. I think about how I took looking at that face for granted.

I imagine he’d be taking to his mid-30s pretty elegantly. He would’ve finally outgrown his babyish features. His face would show the permanent side effects of all the time spent laughing too hard, furrowing his brow too skeptically at the “Real Housewives,” sleeping with cheek blissfully smashed into his pillow. All the wonderful stuff of life that the skincare experts caution you against experiencing, for the sake of a smooth complexion.

Not everybody gets to grow old, the age filter reminds me.

My brother shed his skin suit so young. Too young. He was supposed to live longer, I feel sure of it, but somehow the wires got crossed. His pain was so heavy, and the drugs were too intense. He checked out too early and missed the complimentary brunch.

If only he could’ve known how tasty it can be to age, to keep on living. If he’d made it to the other side of his struggles, I imagine he’d have earned that look in his eye that I admire so much in people in recovery from addiction. The look that says: I’ve seen the void, and now I’m not taking any of this for granted.

Maybe engaging with our imagined older faces is a good way to remind ourselves that this body we live in, each and every one of us, is destined to be a corpse. No amount of eye cream can change this fact.

I don’t mean to come off as creepy or nihilistic — in fact, I hope to have just the opposite effect. This life is amazing! It’s incredible! It’s for a limited time only! Death doula Alua Arthur puts it simply: “The real gift in being with our mortality is the sheer wonder that we live at all.”

We have so little time here. It’ll take your breath away if you stop to think about how short the time truly is. An average lifespan is about 4,700 weeks. How many weeks have you rushed through blindly? I’ve rushed through practically my entire summer for no real reason at all other than general anxiety and dread at world events.

Meanwhile, my beloved old dog gets even older. My crow’s feet deepen. My time left with my loved ones clicks downward. And I’m supposed to channel this ambient sense of loss into chemical peels? There’s something so unsatisfying about the fact that our public dialogue about aging begins and ends with fine-line prevention.

Instead of obsessing over active ingredients, wouldn’t it be amazing to talk about what aging really means to us? Our fears, pains and aspirations? Wouldn’t it be incredible if we could learn to aspire toward age as we grapple with our impermanence? This still feels far away, but I think we’re getting closer. Even Barbie is thinking about dying these days.

We won’t wake up some morning and be forced to confront our drastically aged face all at once. It’ll happen slowly, over time, and only if we’re very, very lucky. I’m hoping that once I’m 70, I’ll be too up to my eyeballs in love and happiness to think about it at all.

As for the age filter, plenty of people on TikTok have moved past the initial shock and settled into something like acceptance. One ongoing bit on the app features millennials and Gen Zers using the filter while explaining things like AOL Instant Messenger, Raya and Four Seasons Total Landscaping to their imagined future grandkids. Others, like Amy Poehler, simply put the filter on and smile serenely, with a caption that says: “May I be so lucky.” Aging is a privilege, the adage goes.

While I go through my own skincare routine in front of the mirror, I sometimes look for my brother in my face. I peer closely for the traits we shared. Yep, there’s his squat nose, his Chiclets teeth, his thin, bowed upper lip. But my face also shows the signs of the last decade of aging. The grooves are subtle but they’re permanent now, visible even when my face is still, like dry little riverbeds.

My first reaction is, of course, panic. But while I cringe at my crow’s feet, it helps to remember how lucky I feel to be getting older, even if that means watching the signs of a well-lived life increasingly show up on my face.

What I wouldn’t give to have the pleasure of watching my brother get older, too.

Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking for here and send us a pitch.

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5 Habits That Can Drastically Improve Your Brain Health

As crucial as our brains are to our ability to function, they don’t get nearly the attention that certain muscle groups (or even wrinkles) do. Unless we’re dealing with a serious condition, most of us don’t experience symptoms of cognitive decline until after midlife.

But brain care is self-care. Just like you brush your teeth to avoid a root canal and wear sunscreen to protect your skin, giving your noggin the TLC it deserves sooner rather than later is the best way to keep it functioning at its peak.

“It’s going to help your heart, protect you from other diseases, make you more connected to other people and more upbeat,” Dr. Gary Small, a geriatric psychiatrist, professor at the University of California, Los Angeles and author of “The Memory Bible,” told HuffPost. “You’re going to live longer and better. Who doesn’t want that?”

Whether you’re in your 20s or 60s, here are five expert-backed habits you can adopt to give your brain a leg-up:

Taking Walks With A Friend

Consistent physical exercise is one of the best things you can do for your brain health. But you don’t have to be a triathlete to reap the benefits. Research has shown that older adults who frequently engaged in “leisure walking” were less likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease than those who didn’t.

While getting your steps in can help keep your mind sharp, Smalls has a hack for getting even more cognitive juice out of your strolls: Invite a friend.

“The triple threat against Alzheimer’s disease is to take a walk with a friend. You get the aerobic exercise that’s going to help your brain, the mental stimulation of a conversation, and ― if [your friend] is empathic ― you can talk about anything that’s bothering you.”

That combination of physical exercise, social connection and stress reduction is a potent brain-booster. Whether you set a weekly walk date with a friend or call loved ones every time you hit the pavement, your brain will thank you for the company.

Meditating For 10 Minutes

Stress is the enemy of healthy brain functioning. Science has long determined that exposure to chronic stress can damage the hippocampus and impair our memory. Since life isn’t getting any less stressful anytime soon, Smalls said a good tool to combat anxiety and worry is a regular meditation practice.

“My team at UCLA did studies where they found that just 10 minutes of meditation not only improved your mood but improved your cognitive function,” he explained. “You don’t have to take a vow of silence for a month at some retreat. Just a little bit of meditation each day can make a big difference.”

The style or method of meditation doesn’t matter as much as your consistency. Find something you like ― guided visualizations, mantra chanting, simple breathing exercises ― and make actively reducing stress a part of your daily routine.

Journaling comes with a host of mental health benefits.

Mayur Kakade via Getty Images

Journaling comes with a host of mental health benefits.

Gratitude Journaling

Being a cynic isn’t just bad for your mood. It’s bad for your brain, too. Studies indicate that repetitive negative thinking is a potential marker for an increased risk of dementia and cognitive decline. Training yourself to find the silver lining by practicing gratitude can be a powerful antidote, but shifting your mindset isn’t easy. Pairing this habit with another brain-friendly practice, like writing by hand, can be a powerful one-two punch.

Jessica Fredericksen, the brain health program manager at the not-for-profit senior living and health care organization Goodwin Living, told HuffPost that writing by hand works the prefrontal cortex ― the part of the brain responsible for memory and recall. Repetitive exercises like reading aloud, simple math and writing by hand keep that part of your brain sharp.

Not a fan of journaling? Try writing letters to loved ones as another way to work your brain by combining the power of penmanship with social engagement.

“We don’t really write letters anymore,” Fredericksen said. “But a lot of people love getting mail. You obviously have that brain health activity of physically writing, but you also get that socialization and stress reduction. It’s really a positive thing to write to someone and connect.”

Keeping A Consistent Bedtime

Sleep plays a crucial role in how well our brains function. Dr. Daniel Rifkin, medical director of the Sleep Medicine Centers of Western New York and founder of the virtual sleep care network Ognomy, explained that while we’re drifting off to dreamland, our brains are hard at work consolidating memories and clearing toxins that build up when we’re awake.

“Our bodies have a lymphatic system that clears all the yucky stuff, but the brain doesn’t have that. It has sinuses where blood and cerebrospinal fluid flow through. [Researchers] discovered that when we sleep, there are certain brain cells that will shrink and swell to allow that cerebrospinal fluid to drain more easily and clear all the junk that we left in our brains during the day.”

This discovery has led Rifkin and other researchers to believe that the link between sleep deprivation and Alzheimer’s disease has a lot to do with not giving your brain enough time to clear out those toxins. Even getting just one hour less of the recommended amount of sleep every night increases your risk of dementia.

The best way to combat sleep deprivation? Keep a consistent bedtime that allows for at least seven hours of sleep.

Picking Up A New Team Sport

Learning is another key piece to healthy brain functioning. But picking up a new language or skill isn’t the only way to get the job done. If you really want to keep your brain on its toes, Frederickson recommends any social hobby that has a physical component. Whether it’s joining a yoga studio, taking a ballroom dancing course or playing pickup basketball with your friends, any activity that combines physicality, learning and social engagement is a guaranteed brain-booster.

“You’re learning something new, you’re getting physical exercise and you’re meeting new people,” she said. “We have some seniors who do senior parkour, so the possibilities are really endless.”

Humans are social creatures by nature, and research continues to back up the idea that relationships are good for our brains. One study found that meaningful social engagement with friends, family members and even strangers can reduce the loss of gray matter (the brain tissue responsible for normal day-to-day functioning) and associated cognitive decline.

So if you’re limited in what you can do physically, Frederickson said to opt for any hobby that combines learning and social interaction. Playing bridge and mah-jongg, for example, can be just as stimulating for the mind as joining a kickball team.

Improving your brain health doesn’t have to mean overhauling your life. The most important part is finding activities that you genuinely enjoy and can stick with. Integrating a few brain-friendly habits can make all the difference in how well your brain operates today, tomorrow and years down the road.

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Are People Getting Botox Too Early? Here’s What Dermatologists Say.

To many, Botox is a controversial topic. Plenty of questions surround the potential use of the injections: How much Botox is too much Botox? Who are the best doctors? Should a physician assistant be allowed to administer the injections? Are other products preferable?

Perhaps most common, though, are queries about the best age to start the injections, if you’re interested. Some believe that, once one’s skin starts sagging, it’s already too late for Botox to properly work. Others assume that “preventative Botox” is a myth.

To get the facts, we reached out to board-certified dermatologists and plastic surgeons, asking when is the ideal age to start getting Botox, especially when trying to maximize results.

What is Botox?

Short for botulinum neurotoxin, Botox injections use a toxin to limit muscle movement for a limited time. By preventing targeted muscles from moving and completely relaxing them, the substance basically smooths out wrinkles when applied to the face.

Interestingly enough, the first use of Botox was unrelated to cosmetic matters.

“Botox was actually isolated almost 100 years ago and it was originally used to treat spasms around the eyes,” explained Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Dr. Gary Motykie. “Doctors were using it to treat people medically and they started noticing that the patients were looking younger, so at one point companies started looking into other benefits of the injections. Nowadays, people don’t realize that Botox is used for many disorders like spasms, migraines, muscle disorders, vocal cord issues, bladder problems and more. It has a lot of medical uses other than cosmetic ones.”

It is cosmetic uses, though, that have propelled Botox into the popular cultural canon, making it “one of the most common nonsurgical cosmetic procedures” in the world, according to the University of California San Francisco, with an estimated 11 million people having used it at least once.

In the noninvasive surgical world, the most popular targeted area is, according to experts, the face.

“Between the eyes is the most common place to get Botox,” said New York dermatologist Dr. Leah Ansell. “It opens up your eyes. The second most common place is the forehead for wrinkles. Then there are other ‘special areas’ that people treat, like where your nose scrunches by the eyes above your lip and the angles of the jaw.”

No matter the target, the goal of the procedure is to smooth out skin creases, and not necessarily to prevent them from appearing in the first place.

When should someone start getting Botox?

“There is not one age to start Botox,” Ansell said. “It varies on the individual. Specifically, when you start to see lines that are etched at rest — meaning they are there even when you are not raising your forehead or smiling, but just staring right ahead — it means it’s time to consider starting light Botox.”

Motykie has a similar view. “The ideal age to start Botox is when you are starting to show signs of aging,” he said. “That is usually in your late 30s and early 40s.”

Genetics can also play a factor.

Botox is a brand name that's typically used to refer to botulinum toxin in general, although it is in fact one of many brand names. Others include Dysport and Xeomin.

Anna Efetova via Getty Images

Botox is a brand name that’s typically used to refer to botulinum toxin in general, although it is in fact one of many brand names. Others include Dysport and Xeomin.

“I tell patients to look at their relatives,” Ansell said. “If those adults in their 50s, 60s and 70s have a lot of sun damage or a lot of wrinkles, that may happen to you as well. There are a lot of genetics at play here, so knowing what your skin type is can help.”

Speaking of sun damage, the doctors we contacted all were adamant about the importance of sun protection, both for health reasons and in order to stave off wrinkles — and therefore the use of Botox.

“The most important thing you could tell someone with respect to wrinkling and aging is to avoid the sun,” said Miami-based plastic surgeon Dr. Carlos Wolf. “Wear sunscreen, use antioxidants and hyaluronic acid to moisturize the skin. You have to be careful as the sun is what makes you look older.”

How bad is it to get Botox injections before the suggested guidelines?

We’re seeing a trend as potential Botox patients are becoming younger and younger, and I’m not a huge fan of that,” Motykie said. “Traditionally, the majority of those interested were in their 40s and 50s as they were starting to show signs of aging, but now it’s becoming more mainstream” at younger ages.

Plenty of factors contribute to the trend, especially our reliance on social media and all things visual. We place so much importance on pictures and the look of things that it’s only natural to turn the lens toward ourselves. We are the subjects of our own selfies, after all.

Also, given the popularity of the injections, folks seem to have become at ease with the idea of getting Botox. People think everyone is signing up for the procedure, so why shouldn’t they try it?

As medical professionals noted, though, getting Botox in your early 20s when it’s rare to have wrinkles might not be the wisest idea.

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Elta MD UV Clear broad spectrum (SPF 46)

The Best Mineral Sunscreens, According to Dermatologists

“If someone has no lines, no wrinkles, boasts a nice healthy skin, is in their mid 20s, I really don’t think it’s worth getting Botox,” Ansell said.

“If a car salesman tells you that you should buy a new car in case your current one breaks down, would you do it?” he asked.

Also, it may not be a good idea to inject your face with too much toxin, which may happen if starting early.

“I don’t think there are negative effects to starting early, but if people’s faces are too frozen because of it over time, does that change the way people interact with them socially?” Ansell asked.

Clearly, Botox is about more than smoothing wrinkles, which makes the age when you start injections that much more important.

What can you do to avoid needing Botox?

According to experts, the best way to push off the appearance of wrinkles and the potential need for Botox is proper skin care. In addition to avoiding the sun and using sunscreen, Motykie sings the praises of microneedling.

Also referred to as collagen induction therapy, the procedure basically calls for the repeated puncturing of the skin with tiny needles. According to the Cleveland Clinic, this will “help reduce the appearance of skin concerns such as acne scars, stretch marks or wrinkles.”

“As we get older, the skin is thinning, so you’re not only getting wrinkles from muscle movements but from the skin thinning,” Motykie explained. “Microneedling alone can help thicken your skin and therefore prevent those wrinkles from forming, and I think that at a younger age that would be a preferable go-to than starting with the Botox right away.”

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