Your Giant Pumpkin

One of my favorite business books is The Pumpkin Plan by Mike Michalowicz. It uses the analogy of growing giant pumpkins and applies it to building a business.

The basic idea is to figure out who your best customers or clients are, so you can specifically tailor your business to serving them well. Then ideally you’ll attract more people like them and build a thriving business that’s also a joy to run.

Here’s the key though: To grow a giant pumpkin, you need to pluck the smaller pumpkins off the vine – whichever pumpkins aren’t good candidates for eventually becoming giant ones. Ultimately you want all of the vine’s energy flowing into growing just one pumpkin – the pumpkin that will become your giant one.

Mike suggests actually firing your misaligned customers (i.e. your partial matches), even if it means letting most of your customers go. Then rebuild from whatever is left, even if you only have one or two clients left after purging.

Note that this is similar to Marie Kondo’s strategy of releasing whatever possessions don’t spark joy for you. You could regard The Pumpkin Plan as The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up applied to business. Keep what sparks joy. Let the rest go. Then make sure whatever else you add sparks joy too. It’s about raising your standards and then keeping them high.

When you develop higher standards for the customers you attract, you can focus on building long-term, win-win relationships with them. Such people are delightful to serve. They appreciate what you do for them.

Consider a company you love to deal with. Compare that with a company you hate dealing with. Now flip it around. For the first company, you’re probably an awesome customer, and they may have good reason to want to invest more in a relationship with you. Would you like that too?

For the second company, however, you may be a bad customer for them, and they may be better off repelling you because they can’t actually do a good job of pleasing you. But they may be able to please and delight a different kind of customer. Do you see how that might be possible? A company that sucks for you to deal with might actually be decent or even good for someone else. You may not be a good investment for them, but someone else might.

I think how far you take this frame depends on your type of business and how much work is needed to serve people. With my blog I can serve lots of people who never become paying customers, and I’m fine with that because the Internet makes this very efficient. But since we also offer courses and Conscious Growth Club memberships, I have to be careful about the incoming flow there. If we attract misaligned people into the courses and CGC, it could make the business a hell to run and really slow us down.

Fortunately the nature of my work does a pretty good job of attracting the right people. I’ve published more than 1550 blog posts, so that does a lot of filtering by the nature of the topics. Once they read enough free articles, people are generally pretty good at figuring out if we’re a good match or if we’d be better off going our own separate ways.

When I first started blogging in 2004, I didn’t think about this. But over time I realized that blogging serves to filter for aligned versus misaligned matches. It attracts a pool of people who want to keep investing in a long-term relationship together, and it (sooner or later) repels people who don’t want that.

Occasionally I write articles to deliberately repel certain types of people when it’s pretty obvious that we wouldn’t be good matches for working together long-term. Here are some examples:

  • 10 Reasons You Should Never Have a Religion – Highly religious people generally don’t make good matches for my business. I’m an ex-Catholic and don’t belong to any religion, and that bothers many of those people who see me as a heathen or heretic or some kind of demon. I know because in my early years of blogging, they used to send me long emails filled with Bible quotes telling my why I was doomed. So partly I wrote that 2008 article to deliberately piss them off and clear them out (which actually worked quite well). I want my business to be build upon mutual respect with the people I serve. People who are too religious don’t respect my open-mindedness and curiosity much, and I don’t have much respect for beliefs built upon layers of goofy nonsense (including the beliefs I was taught when I was younger). Moreover, having a head full of religious dogma really gets in the way of exploring many aspects of personal growth that require open-mindedness and framing flexibility. While I do believe you can be religious and still grow, I’d much rather work with people who’ve outgrown such training wheels and have the maturity to go faster. We don’t really know how this reality actually works at a base level, and we never will, and we need to deal with that intelligently. So I see getting past this clingy, false truth phase as an important prerequisite for getting into the much juicier aspects of personal growth. That said, I’m okay if such people want to keep reading my blog posts, and if a few do become customers from time to time, that’s okay too. But I don’t want my business to cater to their fictions. Some people have actually thanked me for how my work helped them overcome the constraints and limitations of misaligned religious beliefs, and I welcome more customers who want to take that journey too. So that article is also an invitation.
  • How to Be Vegan (and other articles on veganism) – I’ve been vegan for 23+ years, and my wife is a long-term vegan too. We’re ethical vegans, so we see it as unethical to treat animals and their bodies as products for human use. I wasn’t born vegan, so I know what it’s like to live with a very different values system as well. I’m fine having customers with opposing values in this area. But it’s important that they don’t have an issue with my being vegan because these values infuse my business too. For instance, if we did a live event and served food at the event, we’d make sure that are the meals were plant-based. To some people that will be attractive. To others it will be acceptable. But some would resist dealing with that kind of business. If people are too resistant to values that are really important to me, it will create friction in our ability to invest in each other long-term. We’d lose respect for each other. With an online business this friction is lower than it would be under different circumstances, but I still want people to do their part to self-select. If someone has an issue with veganism, they’re unlikely to be a strong long-term match. But someone could still be non-vegan and accepting of my lifestyle and values, and we could still invest powerfully in each other. I am used to interacting with people with different values, and I want to work with people who can handle this as well for our mutual benefit. Moreover, I love attracting fellow vegans as customers, so this filter works well both ways.
  • Please Begone From My Reality, Foul Trump Supporters – Trump supporters are quite possibly the worst mismatches for my business. One of our core principles is truth alignment because truth is a key growth accelerator, and such people are demonstrably far from it, not to mention Trump himself. The whole America First mindset obviously doesn’t mesh well with a global business that attracts readers and customers from all around the world. Imagine what it would do to this community if it were infected with lots of hatred, violent attitudes, ridiculous conspiracy theories, and so much other Trumpian nonsense. This isn’t about politics at all. It’s mostly about basic intelligence. So personally and professionally, I prefer to repel Trump supporters like infected zombies that might bite if they get too close. I don’t want customers that I’d feel inclined to punch (and that many current customers would want to punch too). If I did cater to Trump supporters, they’d eventually piss off many of my very best customers, much like you see certain customers fighting over masks at various retail stores like Costco or Target. I’d rather have a harmonious business that sparks joy. Trump supporters spark nausea.

I think you get the idea.

Since I’m very actively involved in the business (including writing the blog posts, creating the courses, and doing the coaching calls in CGC), it’s important that people are able to accept me personally too, at least well enough to feel good about being customers of my business. I think the best policy here is honesty and openness about what I’m into. So I don’t try to hide my personal interests, including those that will repel some people, like D/s play or open relationships.

Some people will try to make their businesses appeal to as many people as possible by following the rule “Thou shalt not take a stand.” I might be able to grow my business differently if I did that too, but I wouldn’t enjoy it as much. It wouldn’t spark as much joy. And I think my customers and readers would pick up on that too, and it would drag down our relationships.

Consider that if you hold yourself to a higher standard of customers who spark joy for you, you’ll very likely want to engage with and invest more in your business – because you like it. You’ll remove a lot of the friction that many entrepreneurs suffer from. It’s challenging enough to develop and evolve a business with the best customers. You don’t need to inject mixed feelings, doubt, worry, and procrastination to make it harder on yourself. Just think of what it would be like to run a business that attracts mostly Trump supporters, and you’ll get a better idea of how important this is.

Even after three years of doing group coaching calls in Conscious Growth Club, I still look forward to them. The reason is simple – the wonderful people we have inside and the cooperative spirit we create together. We still have our differences, including some hefty debates now and then, but deep down there’s enough alignment that we can work very well together to help each other grow.

A group like CGC is vulnerable and delicate though. It’s hard to create a group like this, and it would be easy to break it. I do my best to make sure that the stream that feeds it isn’t filling up with people who’d ruin what we’ve built.

I often frame my blogging work as writing for current and future CGC members. I primarily write for the giant pumpkins, and a big part of this involves pruning those who’d resist what we’re doing. As I see it, there’s no need for bad blood when that happens – the mismatches are simply someone else’s giant pumpkins.

My web traffic these days is significantly lower today than it was at its peak many years ago, yet my business is doing better than ever. We have zero debt, abundant cash, and solid and stable income streams. There’s a wonderful group of aligned customers who appreciate what we offer and who want more. That’s a really nice place to be, especially during a pandemic when many other businesses aren’t doing so well.

I think it was critical not to try to be all things to all people, such as by writing only fluffy articles that no one could object to. If you want to invite stronger alignment, you have to invite objection too. That’s true both personally and professionally. But the rejections are usually quick and painless. The long-term relationships you build can provide so much mutual benefit over time.

It’s really about impact. A business will be more impactful with some people than with others. If you get duped into dealing with too many mini-pumpkins, you probably won’t have the long-term impact that would really light you up and make you love going to work each day.

You may not really know who your giant pumpkin is when you start. I didn’t. That’s okay. When pumpkins start growing on a vine, you won’t immediately know which ones to prune and which one to keep. Give it time. Pay attention. Look for the serious misalignments, and prune them quickly. Then feed more energy into the candidate pumpkins till a clearer winner emerges.

More generally, pay attention to which aspects of your business spark joy, and invest more in them. And notice which aspects spark nausea, and prune them. This is especially important to do for your customers. Aligned relationships are good for all involved.

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Coronavirus: Safety concerns halt use of 50 million NHS masks

Millions of respirators will not be used by health workers because they may not fit adequately.

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Malaria in Africa: Parasite ‘resistant to artemisinin’

Scientists in Rwanda find cases of resistance to artemisinin, a frontline drug used to treat malaria.

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Health24.com | Covid-19 spreads quickly in crowded homes and poor neighbourhoods

  • A team studied the connection between neighbourhood characteristics and infection with SARS-CoV-2
  • Crowded homes and poverty increased risk of infection
  • How densely populated the neighbourhoods were had little effect on the spread of infection

Poverty and crowded living conditions increase the spread of the coronavirus that causes Covid-19, a new study suggests.

Researchers reached that conclusion after testing nearly 400 women who gave birth at two hospitals in New York City during the peak of the Covid-19 outbreak.

“Our study shows that neighbourhood socioeconomic status and household crowding are strongly associated with risk of infection. This may explain why Black and Hispanic people living in these neighbourhoods are disproportionately at risk for contracting the virus,” researcher Dr Alexander Melamed said in a Columbia University news release.

Melamed is an assistant professor of obstetrics and gynaecology at Columbia’s College of Physicians and Surgeons in New York City.

Specifically, Melamed’s team studied the connection between neighbourhood characteristics and infection with the virus that causes Covid-19.

Population density not a big risk

The investigators found that women living in neighbourhoods with crowded households were three times more likely to be infected with the virus.

Poverty was also a factor. Women living in poor neighbourhoods were twice as likely to be infected, although this finding didn’t reach statistical significance because of the small sample size, the researchers said.

Population density, however, didn’t play a part in the risk for infection, they noted.

According to researcher Dr Cynthia Gyamfi-Bannerman, “One may think that because New York City is so dense, there’s little that can slow the spread of the virus, but our study suggests the risk of infection is related to household, rather than urban density.” Gyamfi-Bannerman is a professor of women’s health at Columbia.

“For our pregnant patients, that may mean counselling women about the risk of infection if they are considering bringing in other family members to help during pregnancy or postpartum,” she said.

Melamed added that the findings could help public health officials target preventive measures, such as distributing masks or culturally relevant educational information, to the appropriate neighbourhoods.

The report was published online on June in the Journal of the American Medical Association.

Image credit: Getty Images

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Coronavirus: University life may ‘pose further risk’ to young shielders

A lack of information from universities will pose a “further risk to lives”, the NUS warns.

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Dinosaur relative’s genome linked to mammals: Curious genome of ancient reptile

A lizard-like creature whose ancestors once roamed the Earth with dinosaurs and today is known to live for longer than 100 years may hold clues to a host of questions about the past and the future.

In a study published Aug. 5 in Nature, an interdisciplinary, international team of researchers, in partnership with M?ori tribe Ng?tiwai, sequenced, assembled and analyzed the complete genome of the Sphenodon punctatus, or the tuatara, a rare reptile whose ancestors once roamed the earth with dinosaurs. It hasn’t changed much in the 150 million to 250 million years since then.

“We found that the tuatara genome has accumulated far fewer DNA substitutions over time than other reptiles, and the molecular clock for tuataras ticked at a much slower speed than squamates, although faster than turtles and crocodiles, which are the real molecular slowpokes,” said co-author Marc Tollis, an assistant professor in the School of Informatics, Computing, and Cyber Systems at Northern Arizona University. “This means in terms of the rate of molecular evolution, tuataras are kind of the Toyota Corolla — nothing special but very reliable and persistently ticking away over hundreds of millions of years.”

Tuatara have been out on their own for a staggering amount of time, with prior estimates ranging from 150-250 million years, and with no close relatives the position of tuatara on tree of life has long been contentious. Some argue tuatara are more closely related to birds, crocodiles and turtles, while others say they stem from a common ancestor shared with lizards and snakes. This new research places tuatara firmly in the branch shared with lizards and snakes, but they appear to have split off and been on their own for about 250 million years — a massive length of time considering primates originated about 65 million years ago, and hominids, from which humans descend, originated approximately six million years ago.

“Proving the phylogenetic position of tuatara in a robust way is exciting, but we see the biggest discovery in this research as uncovering the genetic code and beginning to explore aspects of the biology that makes this species so unique, while also developing new information that will help us better conserve this taonga or special treasure,” said lead author Neil Gemmell, a professor at the University of Otago.

One area of particular interest is to understand how tuataras, which can live to be more than 100 years old, achieve such longevity. Examining some of the genes implicated in protecting the body from the ravages of age found that tuatara have more of these genes than any other vertebrate species thus far examined, including humans. This could offer clues into how to increase humans’ resistance to the ailments that kill humans.

But the genome, and the tuatara itself, has so many other unique features all on its own. For one, scientists have found tuatara fossils dating back 150 million years, and they look exactly the same as the animals today. The fossil story dates the tuatara lineage to the Triassic Period, when dinosaurs were just starting to roam the Earth.

“The tuatara genome is really a time machine that allows us to understand what the genetic conditions were for animals that were vying for world supremacy hundreds of millions of years ago,” he said. “A genome sequence from an animal this ancient and divergent could give us a better idea about what the ancestral amniote genome might have looked like.”

While modern birds are the descendants of dinosaurs, they are less suitable for this type of research because avian genomes have lost a significant amount of DNA since diverging from their dinosaur ancestors.

But the tuataras, which used to be spread throughout the world, have other unusual features. Particularly relevant to this research is the size of its genome; the genome of this little lizard has 5 billion bases of DNA, making it 67 percent larger than a human genome. Additionally, tuataras have temperature-based sex determination, which means the ratio of males to females in a clutch of eggs depends on the temperatures at which they are incubated. They also have a pronounced “third eye” — a light sensory organ that sticks through the top of their skulls. Mammals’ skulls have completely covered the third eye, though they still contain the pineal gland underneath, which helps maintain circadian rhythms.

The tuatara also is unique in that it is sacred to the M?ori people. This research, for all the scientific knowledge that came from it, was groundbreaking for its collaboration with the Indigenous New Zealanders. The purpose was to ensure the research aligned with and respected the importance of the tuatara in their culture, which has never been done before in genomic research.

“Tuatara are a taonga, and it’s pleasing to see the results of this study have now been published,” Ng?tiwai Trust Board resource management unit manager Alyx Pivac said. “Our hope is that this is yet another piece of information that will help us understand tuatara and aid in the conservation of this special species. We want to extend a big mihi to all of those who have been involved in this important piece of work.”

With the genome now sequenced, the international science community has a blueprint through which to examine the many unique features of tuatara biology, which will aid human understanding of the evolution of the amniotes, a group that includes birds, reptiles and mammals.

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Manifestation of quantum distance in flat band materials

The geometry of an object indicates its shape or the relationship of its parts to each other. Did you know that the electrons in solids also have geometric structures? In quantum mechanics, an electron in solids takes the form of a wave with periodicity so that the periodic electronic state, so-called the Bloch state, can be characterized by specifying its energy and crystal momentum which is proportional to its wave number. The relationship between the energy and the crystal momentum of electrons is called the band structure of solids. For electrons in solids, the Berry curvature and the quantum metric of Bloch states take the role of the curvature and the distance of an object in geometry.

In fact, the geometry of quantum states is one of the central concepts underlying diverse physical phenomena, ranging from the celebrated Aharonov-Bohm effect to the topological phases of matter developed more recently. For instance, the local Berry curvature is responsible for the anomalous Hall transport while its integral over a two-dimensional closed manifold gives the Chern number, an integer number describing the quantized Hall conductivity. However, compared to the physics of the Berry curvature, the effects of the quantum metric on physical phenomena are less understood, especially in solids, although there are several recent works proposing the physical observables related to the quantum metric. Especially, there has been no clear guideline for searching materials in which the physical properties related with the quantum metric can be observed.

Prof. YANG Bohm-Jung and Dr. RHIM Jun-Won at the Center for Correlated Electron Systems within the Institute for Basic Science (IBS) in Seoul National University, Seoul, South Korea, and Dr. KIM Kyoo at the Korea Atomic Energy Research Institute, Daejeon, South Korea, reported that they found a way to measure the quantum distance of Bloch states in solids by applying magnetic field. More specifically, the researchers have examined the energy spectrum under magnetic field, called the Landau level spectrum, of flat bands in the kagome and checkerboard lattices, and observed anomalous Landau level spreading arising from the flat band. Surprisingly, they found that the total energy spreading of the flat band’s Landau level is solely determined by the maximum quantum distance between the Bloch states of the flat band. Namely, the quantum distance of the Bloch states in solid can be measured by applying magnetic field to two-dimensional materials with flat bands!

Recently, two-dimensional materials with flat bands have received a great attention as a new platform to realize intriguing electronic states. A flat band indicates an electronic band structure in which the energy does not change when crystal momentum is varied. Such intriguing flat band structures appear in various two-dimensional lattices including the kagome lattice, checkerboard lattice, etc. The theory group of the IBS CCES research team realized that, in many of the flat band systems, the Berry curvature of the Bloch states is zero due to the symmetry of the lattice. If the Berry curvature is strictly zero, one can naturally expect that the geometry of the Bloch states is solely determined by the quantum metric. This interesting aspect motivated the IBS theory team to seriously consider two-dimensional materials with flat bands as a promising playground to study physical properties related to the quantum metric.

In fact, the semiclassical quantization rule predicts that an ordinary parabolic band under magnetic field forms equally-spaced discrete Landau levels, and the energy difference between neighboring Landau levels is inversely proportional to the effective mass of the electrons. When applied to a flat band with an infinite effective mass, the semiclassical theory predicts zero Landau level spacing so that a flat band remains inert under magnetic field. In this study, the researchers observed a quite peculiar nature of the Landau level spectrum that is in sharp contrast to the conventional norm. They reported that the Landau levels of the flat bands spread into the empty region of the energy space where no electronic states are available in the absence of magnetic field.

The researchers found that the key to such an unusual Landau level spectrum is the fact that the flat band in the kagome and checkerboard lattices is crossing with another parabolic band at a point. The singularity in the wave function of the flat band arising from the band crossing point induces nontrivial geometric effect related to the quantum distance of the wave function, which in turn induces anomalous Landau level spectrum. The first author, Dr. RHIM Jun-Won states, “Understanding the role of the band crossing in flat bands was the key to describe the anomalous Landau levels. This finding provides a practical way to unambiguously extract the quantum distance in solids.”

This study shows that the quantum distance or quantum metric can also play crucial roles in determining material properties as the Berry curvature does. Contrary to the previous works, this study clearly identified the candidate lattice systems in which the quantum metric effect is maximized while the Berry curvature effect is minimized, and discovered a way to directly extract the quantum distance in solids for the first time. Considering the tremendous impact of the concept of the Berry curvature on the understanding the properties of solids, it is natural to expect that this study may facilitate the future study about the geometric properties of solids related to the quantum metric and the search of materials in which the related physical responses can be observed.

Prof. YANG Bohm-Jung explains that “This result would provide a critical step towards the complete understanding of geometrical properties of quantum states in solids. As there are many two-dimensional lattice structures hosting flat bands, our study may trigger future research activities for discovering novel geometrical phenomena related to the quantum metric in various condensed matter materials.”

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Materials provided by Institute for Basic Science. Note: Content may be edited for style and length.

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How tumor cells evade the immune defense

Scientists are increasingly trying to use the body’s own immune system to fight cancer. A new study by the University of Bonn and research institutions in Australia and Switzerland now shows the strategies tumor cells use to evade this attack. The method developed for this work contributes to a better understanding of the “arms race” between immune defense and disease. The results could help to improve modern therapeutic approaches. They have been published in the journal Immunity.

Cancer cells differ from healthy body cells — in their appearance, their behavior and the genes that are active in them. Often this does not go unnoticed: The immune system registers that something is wrong and dispatches its troops to fight the tumor. However, this response is often too weak to keep the cancer in check in the long term or even destroy it.

Researchers have therefore been trying for many years to strengthen the immune system’s defensive reaction. They do this in a similar way to a policeman who puts his dog on the trail of an escaped criminal. In this case, the role of the sniffer dog is taken over by the cytotoxic T cells: They can detect and kill sick or defective cells. Each T cell is directed against a specific characteristic, also called antigen. For cancer therapy, the researchers are therefore looking for T cells in patients that detect tumor antigens. They can then for instance multiply these and inject them back into the patient. In this way they strengthen the patient’s immune response against the cancer.

However, many tumors have unfortunately developed strategies that enable them to evade the immune system. “In our study, we investigated what these strategies look like and what this depends on,” explains Dr. Maike Effern from the Institute of Experimental Oncology at the University Hospital Bonn. “We focused on skin cancer, namely melanoma cells.”

Melanomas differ from healthy cells in several ways. For example, a whole range of different genes are active in them. Each of these is a potential antigen for T cells. But which is particularly suitable for triggering a strong and lasting immune response? To answer this question, the researchers invented a clever method in their experimental model: They attached a kind of label to various genes that are active in the development of melanoma cells and used them to produce antigens. They then released a group of T cells against the tumor cells, which recognized exactly this molecular label as a disease marker. The researchers then used this strategy to investigate how the cancer cells react to being pursued by the immune system. Depending on the gene tagged with such a label, they found significant differences.

Cancer cells hide from the immune system

“When the T cells were directed against genes responsible for melanoma-typical characteristics, we observed that the cancer cells changed their appearance and suppressed these genes over time,” explains Effern’s colleague Dr. Nicole Glodde. “So this is how they hide from the immune system.”

In contrast, another gene investigated in the study is essential for the tumor’s survival. This makes it not so easy to downregulate and thus hide. “In our view, this gene therefore has the potential to induce a very effective T cell response,” Effern emphasizes. “Our work potentially clears the way to more effective immune therapies,” hopes Prof. Dr. Michael Hölzel, head of the Institute of Experimental Oncology at the University Hospital Bonn and member of the Cluster of Excellence ImmunoSensation at the University of Bonn. “The method we have developed also makes it possible to better understand the processes by which cancer cells slip under the radar of the immune system.”

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Materials provided by University of Bonn. Note: Content may be edited for style and length.

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Pre-Consent in Relationships

One of the most delicious phrases to hear in a sexual encounter is, “You can do whatever you want with me.” Mmmm!

That’s a form of pre-consent. In that case it’s perhaps overly broad, and there may be some hidden boundaries to discover along the way, but it really opens the door to less constrained exploration together.

Even when pre-consent is more limited, it can speed a connection along towards the more fun and interesting parts.

When you’re beginning to explore a new connection with someone, I encourage you to invite a conversation about what falls within the realm of pre-consent and what doesn’t.

Many people perceive the main risk of a new relationship to be moving too quickly and accidentally doing something the other person doesn’t like. That’s a valid concern. But another major issue is that you might move too slowly and miss out on good opportunities. What if the other person was willing to go further, and you held back? What if you go so slowly that the connection fizzles?

I’ve missed some good opportunities for connection when I held back by assuming boundaries that the other person didn’t actually have, which I later learned during a follow-up conversation.

One way to avoid missing out here is to talk openly about areas of pre-consent for anything that you’re curious or uncertain about. I’ve been surprised multiple times by how much someone is willing to explore early in a connection. I tend to underestimate people by assuming that they have constraints that aren’t there. A short pre-consent conversation can reveal the actual truth.

Not everyone feels comfortable having these kinds of conversations, but for those who do, it’s so refreshing. I definitely appreciate such conversations since it gives me clarity about where the person’s current comfort zone is. It gives me more confidence that I won’t accidentally cross a line – and also that I won’t overlook a really nice opportunity to connect, play, or have more fun together.

It’s really nice to get more clarity about which doors are really closed and which doors are actually open. It’s been my experience that the truth doesn’t always align with my expectations. However, after practicing this more, I found that my expectations improved to move further into alignment with truth. Experience helped to upgrade my intuition. So you may find such conversations more valuable when you have less experience; you may not need them as much as you gain relationship experience.

A pre-consent conversation can even be done via texting or email. And it can happen in any stage of a relationship – from before you meet to many years into a long-term relationship or marriage.

The point is simply to discover what the other person is okay experiencing with you without your having to ask each time. What can you just do without hitting resistance?

Here are some questions you can answer:

  • Can I hold your hand when we walk together?
  • Can I hug you? How often?
  • Can I kiss you? How often? Do you like French kissing?
  • Can I ask you deep personal questions?
  • How physical can I be with you?
  • Would you enjoy cuddling while we watch a movie? Cuddle sleeping together?
  • How far are you willing to go on our first / next date (even before it happens)?
  • Can I talk openly about what I’d like to do sexually with you? Or would that make you uncomfortable?
  • Can I tease you sexually? What kinds of teasing do you like?
  • Can I touch your breasts? As much as I want?
  • Can I give you oral sex? Will you give me oral sex?
  • Do you like D/s play? If so, what are you open to exploring?
  • Are you open to threesomes?

I wouldn’t ask all of these questions up front interview style, although I suppose you could. I think it’s better to do this in stages. Start with some of the easier ones. If you meet resistance there, you may want to pause to see if any of those closed doors open up later.

You may be surprised by the actual boundaries some people have. There is no ladder of sexual and emotional openness where everyone has a convenient spot on some particular rung, just as there’s no ladder of consciousness. (Power vs Force has an interesting ladder to read about, but it’s also nonsense in terms of practical reality… and basically the same one used by Scientology.)

Any wild fantasy you have, including ones that initially seem nonconsensual, can be made consensual if you just ask. What if the other person would enjoy having that experience with you? You may never know if you don’t ask.

I wonder how many people secretly fantasize or turn to porn regarding certain experiences they don’t have an outlet for in real life… that they actually could have if they just opened up and asked around to see who’s interested. It’s way more delicious to explore various desires for real. You just need consent. How do you get consent? Ask enough people.

A common issue here is being afraid of the no. But hearing a no early and up front is better than dodging the truth like Trump at a news conference. Avoiding a potential no will only build more fear and hesitation. The more truth you invite early, the easier it is to make aligned decisions and to find aligned partners.

If a no is temporary, it’s good to get it out early, so you know where you are. And if the no is permanent, then it’s an invitation to decide whether to explore with that person while honoring their boundaries or if you’d prefer to connect with someone more compatible. Don’t perceive it as a failure if you find that someone’s boundaries don’t match your own and that a connection isn’t going to work as you’d hoped. Instead, honor the other person as a unique individual, and then honor your own desires by seeking a good match.

This also depends on where your boundaries are and how comfortable you feel moving faster. In some areas I’m slower and more cautious, like in wanting to connect with people who have aligned ethical values. In other areas I like to move faster than most, like when it comes to physical touch and affection because I enjoy that so much.

A pre-consent conversation could reveal a yes that unlocks a lot of yumminess – emotional intimacy, affection, sexual pleasure, playfulness, laughter, fun, and more. I’m enjoying a 10+ year relationship that began with a playful pre-consensual conversation, and it’s exceedingly delightful. I appreciate it each day.

One thing I really like about this relationship is that we started out fast. I think that was important because we lived in different countries. If we had moved too slowly in the beginning during the limited number of days we had together in person, we might not have gone through enough open doors to bond as quickly and deeply as we did. We might have robbed ourselves of some really beautiful experiences and some fabulous early memories that set the tone for the future years of our relationship.

Don’t overlook the risk of moving too slowly. Holding back could lead to some of your biggest lifetime regrets. Fortunately you don’t have to violate someone’s boundaries to move faster.

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Health24.com | 5 easy ways to keep tabs on heart health

  • Pre-empting health problems can help to avoid future heart disease 
  • Areas to keep tabs on are: blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol, BMI and sleep
  • The right amount and kind of exercise can also help keep your heart in shape

Tracking a few simple numbers can be a big help in keeping tabs on heart health.

But you need to pay attention to those numbers long before your doctor says they’re an urgent concern, said Nicole Spartano, a research assistant professor in the department of endocrinology, diabetes, nutrition and weight management at Boston University School of Medicine.

She likened it to watching warning signs on a highway: Paying attention now alerts you to problems that might appear down the road.

Important targets to track

“Just because you haven’t reached whatever threshold is there for the diagnosis doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in the clear in terms of whatever physiological measure you’re tracking,” she said.

Blood pressure is particularly crucial, said Dr Raymond R. Townsend, professor of medicine at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania.

“There is nothing more important to living longer, and living with a functioning heart and brain, than attending to an elevated blood pressure,” he said. “You need to be sure of what your BP numbers are because if you don’t measure it, you cannot manage it.”

A healthcare provider can tell you specific targets. But in general, here are some important ones to track.

Blood pressure

Blood pressure is a measure of the force of your blood as it pushes against blood vessel walls. The American College of Cardiology and American Heart Association defines normal blood pressure as a reading of less than 120/80 mmHg. Top number, or systolic, readings of 130-139 or bottom, diastolic, readings of 80-89 mmHg are considered Stage 1 hypertension. Consistent readings of 140/90 mmHg or higher are considered Stage 2 hypertension.

Townsend said even in the pandemic, it’s important to work with a healthcare provider to make sure you’re getting accurate readings.

“If you have access to a home blood pressure kit, we rely on in-home readings to help us manage blood pressure,” he said. Use a validated monitor – a list is available at validateBP.org – and check it once a year against a medical-grade device at a doctor’s office or clinic.

“The key is taking it correctly,” he said. “Even the most validated monitor will yield bad readings if you don’t prepare yourself to have a BP measurement, position yourself correctly, and take the actual readings properly.”

Blood sugar

Also known as blood glucose, blood sugar comes from the food you eat. In a fasting blood sugar test, readings of 100 to 125 mg/dL are considered prediabetes, which means a risk for developing Type 2 diabetes, which can lead to heart disease and stroke. Readings of 126 or higher on more than one occasion are considered diabetes.

Spartano said it’s relatively easy to monitor blood glucose at home. “I wouldn’t say it’s necessary for everyone, but it definitely is of interest to some people. And some of those glucometers do connect to apps.”

Cholesterol

A blood test will show levels of different types of this waxy, fatlike substance in your blood that is linked to cardiovascular disease. A doctor can use these results, along with the other numbers, to give a detailed assessment of heart disease risk.

There are at-home cholesterol tests, but Spartano doesn’t recommend them.

Body mass index or waist measurement

These are measures of obesity. If you know your height and weight, you can use an online calculator, such as the one at the National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute. And research shows waist-to-hip ratio measurement may be a better indicator of heart attack risk than body mass index, especially in women.

Sleep

Adults need at least seven hours of sleep a night, according to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine and Sleep Research Society. But sleeping too much may be just as harmful as sleeping too little.

Recent research from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found sleeping less than six hours a night or more than nine was associated with poorer cardiovascular health.

Overall, Spartano, whose work includes collecting data from fitness trackers for the long-running Framingham Heart Study, said tracking your numbers doesn’t have to be complicated. Apps can help, but the age-old method of writing in a diary works well, too.

The mere act of tracking can help you initiate healthy changes, she said.

She also emphasised the importance of one more number: 150. That’s the minimum weekly number of minutes of moderate to vigorous exercise recommended for adults. But you don’t have to start at that level.

“It might seem daunting, but actually the most significant benefit is going from very little to just slightly more activity, and that can be at any intensity level,” she said.

Healthy eating also is crucial, Spartano said.

And nobody should feel frustrated if all of these efforts take time, she said. “Just because you don’t see any single one of these numbers changing doesn’t mean that you’re not improving your health in a different way.”

Image credit: iStock

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