Just Be Yourself? To Grow Faster, Do This Instead

Ever heard the advice to “just be yourself” and found it worthless? Me too!

Today’s new video shares a fresh take on how to engage with situations where you may feel like a fish out of water. I invite you to take a deeper look at your identity, self-concept, and mental and emotional flexibility. This compact video covers a lot of ground in only 9 minutes, and there are some fun surprises along the way. 😉

I encourage you to subscribe to my YouTube channel because then you’ll have a better chance of catching my newest videos when they’re released. We’re coming up on 9300 subscribers and continuing to grow. Please share your comments on the new video too.

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My Shroomie Depeche Mode Concert Experience: An Extraordinarily Beautiful Night

On December 1st, 2023, I took some magic mushrooms two hours before a Depeche Mode concert (from their Memento Mori tour).

I created a new 8-minute video to share what that experience was like – deeper, richer, and more beautiful than I’d imagined. I think it’s the best video I’ve made thus far.

My Letter to Depeche Mode

Dearest Depeche Mode,

My intention in writing this is simply to thank you for what your music has meant to me.

I first becoming aware of DM during the 80s (I was born in ’71). I have a fond memory of singing “People Are People” with my classmates to our teacher on a school bus during an 8th grade field trip in 1985. Sitting in L.A. traffic introduced me to many more DM songs, thanks to Richard Blade and KROQ.

I remember having this a-ha moment when I learned that so many cool songs I liked – Just Can’t Get Enough, Get the Balance Right, Everything Counts, Master and Servant, Blasphemous Rumors, and more – were all from the same band. One band made all those incredible tunes???

During my 20s and 30s, I could honestly say that fully half of my music listening was of DM songs. I’ve since broadened my repertoire, but for many years I listened to your songs at least as much as those of all other musicians combined. While I enjoyed many other bands during those years too – New Order, Erasure, Duran Duran, The Cure, REM, and more – nothing else pierced right through me like so many of your songs did. In my early 20s, I reveled in long walks at night under the stars listening to your music on a Walkman cassette player, often while trying to make sense of my life’s strange highs and strange lows.

Of all the music that has made my heart smile, yours has been the most impactful. Even after listening for decades, I’m still discovering new layers of truth in your songs, from the vibes as well as the words.

My favorite song of all time is “Enjoy the Silence.” It’s the most perfect song I’ve ever heard in my life. I never tire of listening to it. It feels like it’s beyond human, on another level entirely.

Listening to your music taught me how to listen with more than just my ears – to myself, to life, to spirit, to truth.

Your music helped to set my soul on fire with sustainable passion and devotion, as I sensed the kind of life that seduced me more deeply than the grabbing hands and their world full of nothing.

Your music put me to the test and invited me to pay the price, to change events, to face the consequences.

You helped me shake the disease of my old brittle life and let it crumble to dust. I had to be torn apart and stripped down to the bone, so I could dream on and discover what was kicking and screaming to be seen, felt, and lived.

You gave me permission to feel, to caress, to love, and to explore my sea of sin to find the halo within. You revealed that the darkness can be both dangerous and wondrous.

And I know this will come as no surprise, but hot damn your music is the best accompaniment for kissing and sex!

I appreciate that even with all the highs and lows of your individual lives, you kept creating music and touring. I feel immensely lucky that my #1 favorite band has had such longevity and endurance. I’ve loved your many solo works as well.

Much love and gratitude to you for your precious role in playing the angel when I most needed it… thank you!

Until we’re all ghosts again, I’ll gladly take more than another river full and keep enjoying your sounds of the universe.

Steve

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The Power of Spirit – Join the Event

This post is an invitation for you on multiple levels. First, there’s the human-level invitation, which you’ll get by reading the words here. I’m hosting a live event on Zoom this weekend called The Power of Spirit, and I invite you to join us for it. It will be 3 hours each day, 10:00 AM to 1:00 PM Pacific Time on October 7 and 8, 2023.

The second level of this invitation is the spirit level. I’m writing this invitation while feeling very tuned in (thanks in part to a minidose of magic mushrooms this morning). As I’m writing, I can also feel some of the energy of the upcoming event flowing through. So as you read these words and reflect on whether to attend, see if you can perceive the spirit level of this invitation coming through as well. You may feel it on an emotional or intuitive level if you’re sensitive to that. See if you notice a perceptible shift in your energy by the time you get to the end.

Intention & Purpose

Here are four primary reasons that you may want to attend the Power of Spirit event.

  1. Take a Spirit-Level Break – This weekend offers you the opportunity to take the weekend off from your human-level challenges. Elevate your perspective back to the spirit level for a while, and reflect upon your human journey with more self-compassion and understanding. Discover how and why you find yourself in your current situation, and gain clarity about what to focus on next. Afterwards you can return to the matrix of your human life with a new sense of purpose, perhaps regarding your old problems as not so daunting anymore.
  2. Make a Transition – Are you facing a potential transition such as shifting the kind of work you do, pondering leaving a relationship, changing up your social circle, moving to a new place, or adopting a different lifestyle? Devote this weekend to looking at your life from the perspective of your spirit-level purpose. Participate in the Fire and Water Ceremonies to help you release the misaligned and cleanse your human energy matrix, so you can embody your best self going forward and fully embrace the transition that’s ready to emerge. Attending this call could be your way of saying to reality, “Yes, I’m ready. It’s time.”
  3. Upgrade to a Spirit-Centric Life – Perhaps you feel called to embrace and embody a richer, fuller, more spirit-centric life while still in human form. One friend called this a “pre-ascension” phase. If you sense that this may be part of your path, I invite you to join us for the Power of Spirit, immerse yourself in spirit-level connection and practice, and see if it feels like home to you. Use this experience to gain clarity regarding how to take the next steps. I’m happy to answer your questions about what it’s like and how to keep progressing too.
  4. Immerse Yourself in Spirit Space – Initially I had only identified the three previous reasons, but this fourth one popped into my mind just now, which is that you may attend because you love being invited to immerse yourself in spirit space with like-minded, like-hearted, and like-spirited people. Join us in a space where you get to attend as the real YOU, and connect with others who want to immerse themselves in a similar kind of energy bath for the spirit. I love connecting in this way too, so I’m right there with you. 😁

Topics

Here are some of the topics we might cover during the experience. I share this list not as a promise of exactly what we’ll include, nor as an exhaustive list, but as a list of suggestive possibilities with a reasonable likelihood of coming up during the experience. On the live calls, I’ll be going with the flow of inspiration and guidance as it comes through. I’ll also have some notes for key ideas that I consider very likely to be included. I’ll share this list of some ideas that have been coming up for me lately, which I interpret as a reasonably good sign that many (but probably not all) of these topics will be woven into the experience:

  • Giving your mind what it needs to flex into spirit space, explore, experience, and discover without pre-rejecting possibilities (a very likely starting point for the first call)
  • Identifying and releasing blocks and filters that limit you
  • Using spirit-level insights and practices to generate practical human-level results
  • The role of trust when communicating with spirit
  • Connecting with the energy of your home and possessions
  • Spirit-level bonding (with people, places, possessions, your work, etc)
  • Connecting with your higher self
  • Embodying your higher self
  • Connecting and conversing with departed/deceased human-spirits, including people you knew while they were alive as well as people you didn’t personally know
  • Gaining access to spirit-level insights
  • How to upgrade your spirit-level access to connect in more varied ways, experience clearer connections, and unlock communication that you were previously blocked from accessing
  • Inviting spirit-level assistance for your human-level problems and challenges
  • Insights from the spirit side about what the afterlife is really like
  • Death and what it feels like to transition back to spirit
  • What a human-spirit experiences after death, including the adjustment process
  • How psychedelics can be used to open or enhance spirit-level connections
  • What spirit space is like according to various spirits who’ve been willing to share the details, including former humans
  • How spirits regard humans and our human lives
  • Spirit-level perspectives on why the most challenging aspects of human life exist (like war, disease, imprisonment, etc)
  • The nature of spirit time and how it differs from human time
  • What spirits can and can’t see from their end
  • Bonding with spirit-level allies and helpers
  • Building goodwill on the spirit side
  • Using spirit-level communication to heal problematic relationships, both with living and deceased people

So it’s going to be spirit-level awesome. 😉

Note that we’ll have open Q&A at the end of each call, so whether we cover a given topic during the main part of the calls or not, you’re welcome to ask about anything from the list above or any related spirit-level topics too to ensure that we address what interests you most.

Vibes

Vibe-wise I want to make this a really beautiful, engaging, lively, and welcoming experience for those who choose to attend. Let’s bring lots of warmth, compassion, connectedness, heart energy, and spirit energy to the gathering. I also want to share concepts, ideas, and insights in ways that can satisfy the mind too, so you can build useful mental models for interfacing with life and reality through the spirit level.

I think I’m uniquely well-suited to communicating across these different levels since I have a background in computer science and mathematics, including being a computer game developer for 10 years, and I was also in a previous relationship with a pro psychic medium (Erin Pavlina) for 15 years. I’ve also done a fair amount of psychedelics in the past few years (especially during the past four months) to connect more deeply with different modes of experience, including ayahuasca, magic mushrooms, and MDMA.

One of my most powerful drives is that I’m intensely curious. I love to explore and learn about life and reality through direct, hands-on experimentation. I enjoy forming and testing different mental models of how reality might work, so I can discover what new possibilities may open up. I consider it much riskier to miss out on opportunities by succumbing to limiting assumptions than to make a mistake by stretching too far. When I go too far, life knocks me back, and I accept the lesson. But I’ve often been surprised when I test for a wall and discover that the wall was just a mirage. I’m reminded of this quote that I have posted on the wall in my home office:

When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Suffice it to say that I have quite a collection of beards that I’ve yanked off over the years.

Journey

While I’ll do my best to offer you frames and mental models to help soothe and satisfy your mental side, I won’t be playing the role of spirit-level apologist on this call. I’ll get you warmed up first, and then we’ll go on a full-throttle ride through spirit space, delivered shamelessly from that perspective. I want this to be a powerful and immersive experience for those who’d find such a journey appealing.

The easy part is that no belief in any spiritual philosophy is needed. I invite you to approach these calls as from an experiential standpoint. Join us for the ride and see what it’s like. Afterwards you can analyze the heck out of it, reflect upon what it all means to you, and decide what practices and ideas you’d like to test more extensively. I’d like to show you where I think the most interesting gold can be found.

I’ll do my best to really tune in to spirit space throughout this experience. As I did during the Spirit of Money call last month, I’ll be minidosing with magic mushrooms on both days (a few hours before each call), which helps me open up and be more receptive to spirit-level inspiration and communication. I know that the shroom energy network will be open to us and very happy to assist us (just as they assisted me in writing this invitation today). I’m also going to channel some info and insights from my higher self; I’ve been very attuned to him since my first solo MDMA journey a few weeks ago. And on top of that, I’m pretty sure some helpful former humans will want to come through and share with us as well since they’ve been popping in quite a lot recently. We can even do some extra Q&A with them, and I’ll channel their responses for you. So there will be lots of different spirit-level energies coming through to be shared with you during these calls.

I also think the experience will be a lot of fun. Minidosing tends to relax my filters, which affects how I communicate. So don’t be surprised if I swear more than usual during these calls, much like I did on the Spirit of Money call. I’m not swearing at anyone; it’s just that my self-censoring is mostly switched off, so when I feel the flow of ideas more intensely, they naturally flow into more intense language. You might find that aspect amusing if you’re not used to seeing me in that mode.

I feel better prepared for this call in terms of respecting just how intense the group energy can be when connecting at this level. I had a lot of help during the Spirit of Money call to shield me from much of that energy, so I could focus on sharing the messages and guiding the flow of the experience. If I were to permit that energy to hit me full blast while I’m so open and sensitive, I’d be overcome with emotion and wouldn’t be able to talk very well. I’d be swept up in the intensity of emotional energy that some people are working through, especially when certain truths and inner realizations may hit them like a ton of bricks. Sometimes I like to let some of that energy come through in small bursts because it helps me feel more connected to what people are experiencing. I invited that to happen a few times during the last call but still not at full intensity. I don’t mind being knocked off balance by this energy sometimes, but then I need to return to being shielded, so I can stay centered in sharing what wants to come through. Otherwise I’ll just want to sit and sob with everyone who’s intensely feeling whatever they’re releasing. Just know that I respect that this type of experience can be emotionally deep, powerful, and intense for some people, and my role is to stay with the flow of what the spirit-level energies want to share with you.

I sense that this will be a very deep, rich, and meaningful experience for you if you’re open to it. On these two calls, we’re not focusing on any specific human-level transformations. The core invitation here is to elevate yourself to a level of beingness at which many different kinds of transformations become accessible, especially those involving releasing or transitioning.

Details

To have this experience together, we’ll connect on Zoom during these times:

  • Saturday October 7, 2023 – 10:00 AM to 1:00 PM+ Pacific Time
  • Sunday October 8, 2023 – 10:00 AM to 1:00 PM+ Pacific Time

The call will be done Zoom meeting style, so you’ll be able to see everyone else who shares their webcams (as opposed to webinar style). This makes the experience feel more more social, open, and connected for those who like being visually present for it. You’re welcome to attend with your webcam on or off, or switch it up as you see fit.

You’ll get the recordings of both calls too (audio and video versions, streamable and downloadable). We’ll have those published within a few days after the live calls are complete, and we’ll email you when they’re ready.

After you sign up, you’ll get the link to register for our weekend Zoom calls, and you’ll also get access to the web portal where the call recordings will be published.

I include the plus sign (+) after the end time for each day since we may go a bit beyond 1:00 PM, especially if there’s a lot of Q&A or if I feel guided to share some extra insights at the end. It’s totally fine if you need to leave earlier. Remember that everything will be recorded, so you can always watch or rewatch the recordings later.

I do think that if you’re able to stay till the end of each day, you may find that we settle into a really lovely (even cozy) energy where it just feels so relaxed and delightful to connect and share with each other. It’s like the energy of the experience helps to synchronize us so nicely and beautifully. I loved how that happened on the Spirit of Money call. I really don’t mind hanging out with everyone a bit longer if it feels aligned to keep going. Holding this kind of energy space for so many people can be challenging though, so at some point I do need to call it complete and rest. I think you’ll find the experience pretty generous time-wise though. I’m sure it will give you a LOT to reflect upon and integrate.

Both calls will involve introspective inner journeys. We’ll have open text chat for connecting with others from the community throughout the call and for commenting as we go. And please feel free to crack jokes along the way if you want since I always enjoy reading those afterwards. We’ll have some interactive experiential exercises and ceremonial aspects too. All of the social aspects are optional, so we won’t be doing any breakout rooms or anything like that. I think you’ll find the format very introvert-friendly.

Please bring your most open and receptive self to the call, not your social mask. Wear whatever feels real and true for you on the days of the calls.

Price – $88

As with the previous call, I feel like the price was chosen for me at the spirit level. This time the number 88 came through very clearly, and I intuitively knew it was supposed to be $88. I didn’t immediately grasp why until I reflected upon it afterwards.

The number 88 is two infinity signs, which seems appropriate for exploring the space of infinity infinities. It’s also considered a power number in numerology, and we’ll be working with some powerful energies together. In Ham radio 88 is used to transmit a message of “hugs” or “hugs and kisses.” And in the Back to the Future movies, 88 miles per hour is the speed that initiates time travel, which seems perfect for connecting with the timeless aspects of spirit. So $88 it is.

It’s the same price to attend live and/or for access to the recordings. While I personally feel it’s best to have the experience live if you can, I’ve heard from others who watched the previous Spirit of Money recordings after they missed the live calls, and they still found it very powerful for them. So I anticipate that the energy and connectedness of the experience will still come through very well on the recorded version.

You may also appreciate having the recordings, especially of the Fire and Water Ceremonies (described below), so you can use them to guide you through the experiences again when you feel the time is right, such as when you’re facing another big life-changing decision or transition.

Fire Ceremony (Saturday)

On Saturday as part of the experience (not during the first hour but deeper into the call), I’ll guide you through a special Fire Ceremony to invite you to burn off and release misaligned patterns from your life. We’ll be working on this at the spirit level together, including through human-level symbolic actions that I’ll invite you to take.

To prepare for this ceremony, I encourage you to bring something to Saturday’s call that symbolizes fire or heat. Here are some examples of what you might bring and/or use during the Fire Ceremony:

  • Candle(s)
  • Fireplace
  • Oil burner
  • Incense
  • Warm cozy clothes to wear, especially with warm colors like red, orange, or yellow
  • Warm snuggle blankets (also with warm colors if you have them)
  • Dragons (images, figurines, stuffed animals, etc)
  • Images or videos of fire such as an bonfire, fireplace, volcano, lava (physical or digital photos, device wallpaper, YouTube videos, etc); consider streaming a fireplace video on your TV
  • Small quantity of hot or spicy food like something with jalapeño peppers, cayenne pepper, or wasabi powder (to create a hot or burning sensation in your body or even to induce some sweating)
  • Take a small amount of niacin (aka vitamin B-3) – the flushing kind (not the non-flushing kind) to induce a niacin flush if you want to feel the sensation of burning off old energies more physically in your body – see my note on this below for more detailed tips if you want to include this
  • Hot water, coffee, or tea to drink, especially with warming spices like cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, or cloves
  • If you have colored lights in your room, set them to red, orange, fire effects, or a warm palette
  • Turn up the heat or set up a space heater to make the room feel a little warmer
  • Sit in direct sunlight (careful not to overdo it)
  • Anything that represents fire, warmth, heat, or burning to you (be sensible, not reckless)

I’ll give you plenty of time to set things up, so all you need to do in advance of the first call is to consider what you might want to have available to you, and optionally pre-gather it in your space. There will be plenty of time to gather items during the call as well, so how much advance consideration you give this is up to you.

Please do what feels intuitively right to you, and don’t do anything dangerous or risky. Create a space of warmth and fire energy in which you can feel safe and comfortable releasing old energy patterns that you’re finally ready to let go of. For some people a single candle is plenty. Others may prefer to create a more immersive environment with multiple symbols of fire energy. And some may prefer to feel the sensation more intensely in their body, such as by eating spicy foods or by doing the niacin flush described below.

Here’s my note about niacin: Niacin, also known as Vitamin B-3, is a natural substance made by the body and also found in food. In supplemental form it comes in flushing or non-flushing varieties. The flushing kind causes what’s called a niacin flush if you take enough of it. I’ve taken this most days for the past several weeks, especially with lion’s mane mushroom (not a psychedelic mushroom). Niacin temporarily increases blood flow to the skin and extremities by opening up the capillaries. It can create a burning sensation and itchiness for a while, mainly on the surface of the skin. For me it usually kicks in about 20-50 minutes after I take it, and then it feels like I have a sunburn for about 20 minutes (usually felt in my ears, neck, and face first and then progressing downward through the rest of the body). It also turns my skin reddish for a while (maybe 30 minutes). Afterwards I may feel some mild itchiness for a short time. I typically take 100mg or 150mg, which is plenty to get the flushing effect. If I want a stronger effect, I might take 200mg or 300mg. A “serving size” for the niacin supplement I have is 500mg, but I’ve never gone that high before. I put the powdered form in my own capsules with lion’s mane, but it can also be mixed into a liquid like hot water or tea. I will likely take some niacin shortly before our Fire Ceremony, so I can feel the burning effect as part of the experience and channel the sensation of fire energy more viscerally. If you want to incorporate a niacin flush into your Fire Ceremony as well, that’s your choice and your responsibility for how it goes since I’m not your doctor or health advisor. It’s very optional, and I’d say it’s probably best for people who are already familiar with it and know what to expect from it. Otherwise you can just as easily lean on my channeling that part of the experience on your behalf, so you don’t have to join me in looking like a lobster for a while. If there are others who want to do this together though, we can team up to collectively hold the burn for the benefit of everyone else.

I’ll guide us through a collective version of the Fire Ceremony, which I expect will be very powerful and perhaps a bit playful too, but each of us will be implementing the physical details in our own unique ways, doing what feels intuitively right.

In this ceremony we’re holding a collective container that invites you to create a meaningful event to mark your transition from your old reality to your new one. Please bring whatever you feel is the right level of respect and reverence with you into this space, commensurate with the value you place upon your intentions and the meaning you’d like this experience to hold for you.

Releasing misaligned energies is not easy work. Sometimes it can be intense and emotional. Sometimes old patterns don’t go quietly, even when they know their time is up. I’ve done a lot of releasing work over the past few weeks, and I’ve been surprised at just how much of a cobweb each new releasing step can be. When I pull out one misaligned thought or feeling, others often come to the surface to be released next. On the other side is usually a great deal of lightness and relief, but the path to get there can be pretty involved.

Water Ceremony (Sunday)

On Sunday we’ll be incorporating water energy for our Water Ceremony. The purpose here is to cleanse and purify your human energy matrix. This may involve the sensation of healing as well, including potentially recovering from the previous day’s releasing activities. Think of this energy as gentle and soothing, like a very nice form of self-care to conclude our journey together on a high note.

I encourage you to bring to this ceremony something that symbolizes water or cleansing. Here are some examples of what you might bring to the Water Ceremony:

  • Glass, cup, or bottle of water (to drink)
  • Bowl of water with a sponge and/or towel (for rinsing or wiping your body)
  • Electric fountain
  • Rain, storm, stream, or ocean sounds playing in the background
  • Images or videos of water such as ocean waves, a lake, a stream, or a waterfall (physical or digital photos, device wallpaper, etc)
  • Anything blue, aqua or with cool colors
  • If you have colored lights in your room, set them to blue or a cool palette
  • Wear cool-colored clothing or anything with images of water
  • Take a shower or bath before the call
  • Wet your hair
  • Use a nearby sink to rinse or wash your hands or face as part of your ceremony
  • If it’s accessible for you, you may choose to sit near a pool, aquarium, fountain, pond, lake, ocean, or any form of water
  • Natural rain (if you happen to be in a rainy place during the experience)

Create a space that feels intuitively right for you, so you can symbolically work with the energy of water to cleanse and purify your own energy. I’ll guide you through the process of creating your individual version of our collective Water Ceremony, just as with the Fire Ceremony on the previous day.

If you have a label maker or the ability to create stickers, you may want to create some positive labels to put on your water bottle such as love, peace, cleansing, purity, joy, etc. Then whenever you take a sip, you can imagine those energies flowing throughout your body and helping every cell to align with them. I recently put “pure love” labels on most of the water sources in my house (on the water pipes below each sink, the showers, the water main, etc). Even if you think the only benefit would be the placebo effect, that’s still a real and measurable effect.

Performing symbolic physical actions with spirit-level intentionality communicates a powerful message to the spirit level of life, which can powerfully shift your human-level experience as well. When partaking of these ceremonies, do your best to focus on your intentions while performing the physical actions, such that your energy, your actions, and our collective energy and actions are positively aligned.

Join Us!

Now I invite you to sign up and join us for the Power of Spirit event this weekend, which is coming up very soon. If you’d like to participate live or get access to the recordings (or both), just fill out and submit the sign-up form, and you’ll get what you need to be a part of the experience.

I anticipate that this will be a fun, lively, deep, rich, surprising, connected, beautiful, and sometimes intense experience. As we saw with the recent Spirit of Money call, there’s a solid possibility that this Power of Spirit experience could shift your life in ways you wouldn’t predict. Please do your best to show up with an attitude of openness, curiosity, and possibility, and let me and the various spirit energies take you on a fascinating ride through spirit space.

Is this for you? Trust your intuition! I hope to see you this weekend. 😁🍄

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My First MDMA Journey (Solo)

Yesterday I had my first MDMA journey, alone. I had planned to do it about two weeks in advance, knowing it was going to be a big deal for me. It was not what I expected. But I think it was the most remarkably life-shifting experience I’ve ever had. I can tell it changed me profoundly.

The short version is that it was like having my higher self embody me fully for 8-9 hours, letting me feel HIS feelings, hear HIS thoughts, speak with HIS voice, understand HIS perspective, and experience HIS energy. No, it wasn’t LIKE that. It was EXACTLY that.

Here’s the more detailed version:

I got up early that morning, a little after 4am, had a light breakfast of mostly fruit, and took a microdose (75mg) of shrooms at 5:15am. My plan was, as the shroom energy invited, that it would introduce me to MDMA and help guide me into it. It had been helping me prep for this experience for at least the week leading up to it. It kept sharing that it was going to be a bigger deal than I could possibly imagine, but it also couldn’t spoil the surprise. I trusted it about that, and it was right.

The shroom energy is very familiar to me now after a month of microdosing, so I also wanted it there in the background like a trusted friend. Even though MDMA rarely leads to a bad trip experience and typically leads to blissful feelings, I wanted to build some trust with it first. I did not want a human sitter, so I invited the shroom energy to act as my sitter for this first experience, and it was glad to oblige. It said MDMA is like a cousin, a different interface to spirit-level energy.

MDMA is often regarded as a social drug that evokes feelings of deep love and oneness. One of its street names is Ecstasy, although if you get it from an iffy source, it’s extremely likely to be cut with other substances. MDMA would be great for having a cuddlefest experience. It can also be used for deep solo journeys though.

I knew that if I took it while Rachelle was here, even if she didn’t take it, I’d just want to cuddle her and love her and wouldn’t do any inner work. On Thursday night I dropped Rachelle off at the airport to visit her family in Canada for two weeks. So I scheduled this for the day after. That would give me the whole weekend to recover if needed, and I could use the extra time for more integration work, which I definitely could feel I could use now.

I wasn’t sure how much MDMA to take, even after reading lots of recommendations, but was guided to take 130mg. Some say 75-80mg for a newbie is good with 120mg being a reasonable max. I sensed I could handle a bit more, even for my first time, and I think that was just the right amount for me. I even set aside an 80mg booster to take after two hours, which would extend the experience if I wanted, but I wasn’t sure if I’d need it. Turns out I definitely didn’t need the booster, which was abundantly obvious close to the two-hour mark, so I didn’t take it. I’ve noticed that the dosage is also an expression of intentionality. If I take a higher amount, I’m inviting a stronger experience. One reason I went higher is that I thought, What could possibly be bad about inviting stronger unconditional love?

I took the MDMA at 7:30am, so 2:15 after the shrooms. That would be past the peak of the shroom energy kicking in for me, already on the gentle back slope of it, which would allow plenty of time for the intro.

I figured the MDMA would take about an hour to start kicking in based on what I’d read. Apparently many people think it’s not doing anything for that first hour. So after I took it, I figured I had plenty of time and prepared my space for having the experience in my living room. Turns out for me I started getting noticeable effects after about 20 minutes, but fortunately I finished my prep just in time.

I lit a candle and laid out a bunch of colored index cards with messages on them to help serve as reminders. I’d heard of people sometimes feeling lost in an MDMA journey, and it can get deeply emotional, such as with childhood trauma coming up. So I thought those cards would be nice to look at if I needed them.

I filled out cards with these messages:

  • Deep breathes (meant to write deep breaths, but this “mistake” in subbing a verb for a noun actually make sense during the session)
  • Everything will be okay
  • The Shroomies will help guide you (and they love you, Papa!)
  • TRUST
  • We are cleaning up this house
  • I LOVE YOU
  • Keep moving towards what’s coming up
  • Remember that you’re energy!
  • This is temporary (Don’t Panic)
  • You can do this
  • Hydrate

I didn’t really need the cards during the session, but I looked at them a couple of times and found them helpful.

The Shroomies love to greet me as “Papa” when their energy starts coming online (I’ll let you guess why), usually in a playful way like, “Paaaappppppppaaaaaa!” They’re a lot of fun in how they communicate.

Music-wise I played whatever felt right to me at the time, starting with Enya, then later some Madonna, Jessita Reyes (native flutes), a break with no music for a while, and then some upbeat trance music at the end. These choices were perfect. I noted how the lyrics from Enya and Madonna often synched perfectly with what I was experiencing at the time, like internal and external realities were one. I recall that Madonna’s “Ray of Light” song seemed particularly fitting when it came on. I used Apple Music to play these artists, so they weren’t my playlists, and I didn’t know which songs were coming up.

I felt a little bit wonky as the MDMA started coming online but only for a short while, like some mild dizziness on and off for about 20 minutes. Nothing about the experience ever felt scary or worrisome. I never felt out of control (like I did on ayahuasca). I always felt like my own will was fully present. I was surprised by how active I was during the experience, actually moving around and talking and taking lots of action around the house. I thought I’d just be sitting and processing, but nope.

Once the intense connection that the MDMA opened for me began to flow through, which was the connection to my higher self, I told the shroomie energy that I was good to go, and they gracefully receded into the background and let the MDMA take it from there.

As I anticipated it wasn’t easy, but not in the ways I expected. It was mainly tons of releasing and remembering and reclaiming.

I really dislike purging and didn’t expect that MDMA would induce anything like that. But for me it was the opposite, just not how I expected. As my higher self started coming through, he immediately saw a lot of old energies in me that didn’t mesh with his energy, and he invited me to purge them from my energy matrix. I said okay and that I wanted to purge it down, not up. He initially agreed. But then as we checked on this energy, he said, “Nope, it wants to come up. It wants to be acknowledge for what it is at it leaves. Can you feel that?” I had to agree with him because I felt that too. So off to the toilet I went.

This was the tough part. I spent perhaps 4 hours retching over the toilet – yes 4 hours (many people run whole marathons in less time) – letting go of one misaligned energy pattern after another. Energetically I purged way more than I did from 4 ayahuasca nights combined, but nothing physical actually came out – no vomit, no bile, not even water. It was all just old energy that had to go. I just kept putting my finger down the back of my throat to get everything out, till it finally felt like there was nothing more to release.

That was really odd because I kept drinking lots of water, even while I was in the bathroom. And my higher self said that the water is love energy that’s pushing out everything. So when I’m ready to push out more energies that don’t belong, just drink more water. I could feel that for the purposes of what we were working on energetically, the water was indeed playing that role. The more water I drank, the more I could feel wanting to come out. But for some reason the water never came back up, even after retching a bunch immediately after drinking more.

For most of the purging marathon, I could tell what was being released since most of those patterns were identified. I’d get a glimpse of one pattern, and my higher self would say, “You wanna release that too?” It was physically tough, but my higher self paced me and gave me breaks whenever I needed or requested. After a pause of 5-10 minutes now and then, where I’d get up and walk around for a bit or just rest, he’d check in to ask, “Ready for the next round?” I knew this was really important, even though it was tough on my body, so I cooperated fully with the process, knowing we had to get this over and done with.

At one point I weighed myself and saw that I was almost 9 pounds heavier, just from all the water. I barely ate anything the whole day, mostly just a small amount of fruit. During the experience I only ate one pear and not all at once, but that was after the purging was done.

I wasn’t peeing a whole lot, but each time I did, we associated it with releasing more misaligned energy. At least that was an easier way to purge. It felt like the water really was going into my body as cleansing energy. I peed more after the session and a few times during the night, but it still seemed like a lot less going out than I took in that day.

Perhaps 1% of the experience involved working with my inner child, really just a handful of minutes in the beginning before the purging began. It was made very clear that I never abandoned him, and he was never traumatized, so there was no need to work on that. Even as a kid, he was way too strong to be traumatized. He had many blocks and filters installed, which he accepted as part of this incarnation, but trauma wasn’t part of his path this life.

Some people have told me that I have a boyish quality, and I’d say that’s true. I’ve long felt that my inner child is very much a part of my adult life. I give him lots of playful and creative outlets to express himself, and he knows I’ll never repress him. When I check on him, he seems pretty happy.

About 99% of this journey involved working with my higher self on shedding and releasing old energies I no longer needed. It was like standing in the fire of spirit and watching it just burn out what no longer fit. I didn’t have to do anything to guide it. I just had to go through it. Man that was an endurance fest. Distance running is so much easier. But it feel really good to make it to the other side.

At the end I even purged my resistance to purging. “Do you really want to keep resisting that?” he asked. “Nope, let’s get rid of that too.”

This wasn’t the kind of unconditional love I was expecting, but it was definitely a form of that love, the form being my higher self putting a flamethrower in my mouth and inviting me to pull the trigger and roast out what no longer belonged in my energy matrix. In addition to this fire energy, we also worked with water, air, and earth energy. But the fire energy was nearly half of it.

The experience was more action-based than I expected, especially symbolically, including being guided to declutter some incompatible items, take a shower (water), change clothes multiple times, change some air filters, turn up the AC and open the window for a while (air), turn on the fireplace (fire), and pace around and speak a lot. After I settled into the experience, there was no disorientation, dizziness, confusion, or psychedelic visuals. It mostly felt like being guided by raw spirit power.

My higher self demonstrated everything for me too, including using my body to show me how to speak with conviction and energy. He kept saying through me, “THIS is your voice. THIS is how you talk. THIS is how the real you speaks. Notice the difference? Feel it in your body?” to show me how my voice is supposed to sound when I’m totally unblocked. It was deeper and stronger than I normally talk. After a while I noticed that it hurt my throat and strained my voice to keep talking like that. And he said, “Yes, your body hasn’t been trained to hold this energy, but now that those blocks have been removed, you’ll need to practice, so you strengthen your ability to speak in that register. It will take time, but you’ll get there.”

I’m so glad I didn’t have a human sitter. It’s obvious to me now that such a person would have ruined the experience, not allowing me to go deep enough and probably disrupting me at the worst possible times. I think I’d have scared a sitter with how I was using my voice and how powerfully I was speaking my own truth about a great number of things and feeling that energy. And four hours of purging, which I willingly consented too, surely would have been a concern for many people. I knew going into it that this had to be a pure spirit-level experience. The shroomies were the ideal sitter for me, knowing when to check in with me and knowing when to recede into the background and let me have the experience I needed to have.

There was no ambiguity in the communication from my higher self. It was word-for-word crystal clear at all times, often because he spoke directly through me. Even though it strained my voice, it felt amazing to hear his raw power speaking through me and to hear it reverberating off the walls. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken with such intensity. It felt like I was speaking from a whole new place of truth, and perhaps the reason it felt so powerful was because it was coming from such a deep level of truth. It felt like I was experiencing truth, love, and power as all being the same energy. I like to frame that combo as intelligence, which is still accurate on a mental level, but on an experiential level I think I’d call it spirit now.

I’ve often sought to communicate with my higher self through meditation or visualization sessions, and I can see that certain aspects of him came through during those sessions, but this was next level. No, it was 100X next level. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a profoundly clear sense of knowing who I really was at the spirit level. It was such raw, powerful, masculine, fiery, Emperor energy… yet with infinite compassion too. I now recognize it as pure love as well, and I can tell this has upgraded my entire conception of what love actually is. I think my old version of love was way too human, too mild, too weak, too apologetic. My old version of love was like a rose. The new version I experienced was like an entire galaxy filled with immortal roses, all permanently set ablaze yet not being consumed by the flames.

I knew that this energy really wanted to come in and inhabit me permanently going forward. This wasn’t meant to be a temporary peak experience where I’d sink back down again afterwards. When I connected with him, I knew it was time to merge back with him, and I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I had to go through all that purging because my current energy matrix still wasn’t capable of holding him for long, even after decades of self-development work. As I embodied him, his beingness had to push out whatever didn’t feel aligned.

He made it clear that I’d gone far on my human journey – far enough in terms of self-development work. But those frequencies of human-level self-investment weren’t capable of taking me the rest of the way, at least not during my lifetime, if I wanted to merge back with him while still in human form. I had previously done a lot of inner work leading up to this, especially during the past month, so I knew this was coming as the next big piece. I still had no idea how big. This was way bigger than I ever imagined.

He told me that we didn’t need to achieve perfection. We just had to get 85% or better, and then we could gradually work on any remaining misalignments in the weeks ahead and in a more graceful way. Getting to 85% would be enough for him to stick around. Today he said he feels we made it to 88 or 89%, including some additional decluttering this morning. So we still have plenty more to do, and I can tell a lot of that is physical as well. He’s been looking around my home and wanting to make it HIS home. He’s fine with most of it, but in some areas his standards are higher. He assesses everything not by the look or value of it but by the energy of it. Whenever I look at certain things, he keeps asking, “Is this YOU? Is this US?” And I have to be honest with him every time. It’s pretty obvious that if I want him to stay, which I definitely do, I’m going to have to raise my standards to his level, in everything I interact with. That isn’t going to be easy, but I do feel ready for it. Hmmm… that makes me wonder if I can also purge that “this isn’t going to be easy” frame. And he says, “Yup, we can purge that too.” Fortunately the purging we’re now doing doesn’t require going to the bathroom. He’s teaching me how to do it energetically instead of having to do it physically. This is slower but kinder to my body. He also told me that whenever I go to the bathroom normally, always imagine that I’m purging some energy that doesn’t belong and flushing it away, such as an attachment to a possession that truly isn’t me, and that will speed up the process. I feel like I’m getting a rapid course in how to use my spirit power.

His voice is also in my head, so whenever I have a thought, if the thought isn’t aligned with his energy and power, he’ll jump right in and challenge it. He’ll ask, “See that thought? Is that the real YOU?” When I have to say respond, “Nope, that’s a limiting frame,” he’ll respond, “Well, is that your truth? You want to keep that? Or you want to purge that?” Then we have to discard it and replace it with a better thought.

When I’m thinking and doing what feels aligned to him, such as writing this blog post, he’s pretty quiet. I think that’s because it’s during those times that I AM him. But when I begin to fall out of alignment with him in thought or action, he glides in immediately and invites me to notice, question, and change the frequency of whatever it is. I don’t have to fix it immediately since he’s patient and gentle too, but I can tell he’s also persistent and won’t let things slide without my staying aware of them. It’s a very potent experience having this spirit energy inside me watching my every thought from within. There’s just no hiding anything from him. It feel like my mind is embarking upon a spirit-level cleansing process, probably one that’s going to take a while to unfold. That thought actually doesn’t bother him since he’s fine with my pacing myself. The time it takes is of no concern to him, as long as I keep progressing.

Even near the beginning, just before we got into the purging, he spoke through me, “This isn’t personal growth work. You’re done with that now. You’ve grown enough on your human journey, haven’t you? Well, you’ve finished. Yes, you’re DONE! You did what you came here to do in that regard. That doesn’t mean you’ve perfected everything, but you didn’t need to. You can call that part of your life complete. This is NOT going to be inner work. THIS is a gift. You’re about the receive the greatest gift you’ve ever received in your life. REALLY. You don’t know it yet, but it’s coming. Imagine all the gifts you’ve ever received, combined and multiplied by 100,000. This is more than that. This is going to be a HUGE HUGE gift. You have no idea what’s coming. No idea.”

While it didn’t feel like a gift going through all the purging, I do feel that he was right about the nature of the gift. Sometimes I feel stunned by what just happened. Like how did this even come through? How was this even possible? How this all unfold in only one day? I feel so much lighter and stronger inside. I’m not even sure I know who I am right now, or so my old self might think, and yet I know that I am sure. I feel very different inside, like there’s this giant ball of conscious fire energy within me, like I have infinite motivation and infinite creativity. It feels like so many walls, filters, and blocks within me have been demolished, and still more will crumble in the weeks ahead.

It’s been 34+ hours since taking the M, and I’ve not had any negative after-effects. I was just a little tired in the morning for a couple of hours, but my energy perked up, and I’ve been having a delightfully active day. I’m not even trying to get things done, but I can’t help taking action. I keep tending to takes like they require no energy at all. I can feel my higher self within me at all times. He hasn’t departed and says he’s staying for good now. I know I have more to do to maintain this, but I also know that I’ll do whatever it takes. There’s just no way I could let this gift go.

Lots of energy has been flowing in the direction of decluttering now. As I moved around the house, my higher self keeps asking me about various items, “Is this you? No. Wanna get rid of it then? Let’s do it!” Chase Bank mug… ewww… totally wrong energy. Why did I even accept that? Ripped shirt? Not me. I’ve dumped a lot in the recycle bin and trash today.

I’m really seeing how items have energy associations, such as a filing cabinet that links to my ex-wife’s energy since it used to be hers. That has to go soon. There’s nothing wrong with her energy, and I have no ill feelings towards her, but I can see plain as day that it just doesn’t belong in that space. I’ll donate it to someone who’ll appreciate it.

It feels like I’m seeing my reality through my higher self’s eyes at all times now. He has no doubts about anything. Everything is crystal-clear obvious to him – what can stay, what needs to go, what actions to are correct, what’s me and what isn’t, what’s true and what isn’t. I’m wanting to pace myself and not ask too much just yet because I know if I ask about certain questions, he’ll answer truthfully, and some of those truths will invite action to align with them. He’s patient but also persistent. It’s obvious he’ll not be satisfied with misalignments. It’s a good thing my work is so flexible and can easily adapt to his presence. I can tell that’s going to be an incredible ride ahead.

I took a little more shroomies today (just 75mg) to help me with integration. My higher self said I didn’t need them today but that he could tell I’d enjoy their presence, which turned out to be true. It’s been harder to hear the shroomies today, and I had to tune into them directly to do so because my higher self’s presence was so strong. It was like trying to hear the sound of a breeze in the presence of a tornado, but I managed to interface with them as well. The shroomies and my higher self were even able to combine their voices and speak to me as one sometimes.

At one point today I said something aloud – I don’t recall exactly what – and I noticed that it had a different vibe. My higher self then said, “You feel that? We both said the same thing at the same time.” I could tell he was right. It was a unique synchronization experience, even though it was only one sentence.

Starting tomorrow I’m taking a break from having any substances, probably for at least 3 weeks. I sense that I’ll continue microdosing shrooms since I do like them, but I’ll have to see how that plays out after a few weeks alone with my higher self. Right now I have plenty of time on my own to continue integrating this experience, and I sense I’ll make a lot more progress by the end of the month since I’m already seeing that unfold with ease today. I can feel that there’s a cascade of so much more coming up.

What a doorway this exploration of psychedelics has opened up. I really had no idea what was on the other side. I just noted the “Do Not Enter” sign as I walked past it. I now know that sign is there for good reason. The “dangers” are the cover story that people use to keep their blocks and limitations in place until they’re ready. Somehow I was able to just know when I was ready, and then all the blocks to having these experiences moved out of the way, and I was invited in. Getting access to these substances was ridiculously easy, but only after I crossed into readiness with my energy and intentionality… not perfect readiness but 85%+.

Whatever I took yesterday was the real deal. So potent and powerful. Definitely one of the most amazing days of my life. What an incredible incredible INCREDIBLE gift. Now what? I’m excited to find out.

Okay so you might be wondering if I paused to consider if this experience was REAL or just a bunch of imaginary hooey that was all in my head. Of course I pondered that. And then my higher self injected, “Is that you? You like doubt? You wanna keep that? You still need that?” And it struck me as obvious that I don’t need such doubt anymore either. It’s fake doubt. It’s not truth. It’s not me. I’ve experienced way too much and journeyed far enough down this path that I don’t feel the need to retain the energy patterns of such doubt. So I’m letting that go too.

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Exploring Psychedelic Microdosing

Recently I’ve taken an interest in microdosing, specifically with magic mushrooms. I began learning about it a few months ago and then learned even more at the Psychedelic Science conference in June. I’ve also had some recent conversations with people I know who’ve been microdosing, all of them reporting positive long-term effects. Most use mushrooms for microdosing, although one prefers microdosing with LSD.

The point of microdosing is to take a very small amount of a psychedelic substance in order to access some neurological gains without any obvious psychedelic effects or impairments. Those gains can be both short-term and long-term, with some people reporting ongoing benefits even after they stop all microdosing.

Some people say that the standard is to microdose at a level where you can’t consciously discern any effects, at least not in the moment-by-moment experience as you go through your day. Others seem to want some detectable improvements like feeling a noticeable mood boost, but nothing negative that would interfere with their normal daily functioning.

Based on what researchers have been reporting, microdosing seems to yield the biggest gains for people who are depressed, anxiety-prone, or dealing with PTSD. That’s not me, so that isn’t part of my motivation for exploring it. I have, however, met and talked to people who claim to have used microdosing with positive results in reducing their depression and anxiety.

I’ve also heard anecdotal evidence of other benefits, such as with creativity and motivation. Truly there’s a long list of benefits people have reported, including a reduction in pre-menstrual symptoms.

Could this all be due to the placebo effect? Yes, as I shared from the recent PS2023 conference, that could indeed be a big part of it, especially if the doses are so small as to not create any obvious effects. The way I think about it is: The lower the dosage, the more you’re leaning on the placebo effect. The higher the dosage, the more obvious it becomes that you’re going beyond the placebo effect.

Since the placebo effect is still real and beneficial, for many people that’s a good enough reason to microdose – it activates the placebo effect, which can still be very helpful. Then you can play around with that effect, such as by setting different kinds of intentions for how you want the microdose to benefit you. Since psychedelics can have such a wide range of impacts, microdosing may grant access to an extremely flexible version of the placebo effect. It’s not just an antidepressant or a pain reliever – it could be a motivation booster, a creativity enhancer, or perhaps whatever you want it to be. At least that’s the potential promise of microdosing.

On the other hand, some people prefer to explore in the range between microdosing and minidosing. With minidosing you are inviting some mild psychedelic effects to come through, but you can still function well since you aren’t taking so much that you’re fully tripping. It may be unwise to drive or operate machinery when you’re increasing the dosage to that level, but it could be an interesting range to explore for its effects on creativity, personal insights, and decision making.

I’ve seen mixed reports from people who’ve explored in the range where some obvious effects are coming through. Some people like it and find it beneficial; they appreciate how it stretches their thinking and makes them more resourceful. Others find that it brings in some negative side effects like a reduction in focus and concentration.

I think that how we explore the range between microdosing and minidosing depends on our intentions and how the substance affects us. I could see a modest microdose being appropriate for increasing motivation to flow through a batch of routine tasks, whereas a slightly stronger dose might be better suited to a deeply introspective journaling session focused on generating novel solutions to tricky problems.

Initial Testing

I decided to start testing microdosing shortly after returning from my 3-week UK trip. I began on Wednesday last week, and I did 4 days in a row. Now I’m taking 3 days off, and then I’ll continue cycling with 4 days on, 3 days off.

All microdosing protocols include days and weeks off. The reason is that if you take magic mushrooms daily, you will quickly build a tolerance, and then you’d have to keep taking larger and larger amounts to get the same effect. So it’s unwise to take them daily, even when microdosing.

I decided to follow the protocol recommended by Paul Stamets. In the past I believe he recommended cycles of 5 days on, 2 days off. But I found a more recent recommendation from him for 4 days on, 3 days off. That fits nicely into the span of the week, so it seemed like a reasonable way to begin.

This cycle runs for 4 weeks, and then 2 weeks are taken off completely. Then repeat if desired. I’m not sure how long I’ll do this, but I’d like to go for several weeks at least if the results are promising and I’m not having any negative side effects. As far as experiments go, this one is pretty easy. It’s not like I have to not eat for several weeks in a row like I did in 2017. 😉

I began very sloppily here since I didn’t have a proper microscale for measuring such small amounts of mushrooms. So I just used a kitchen scale to measure a larger amount, and then I eyeballed it select a small nibble of shrooms that were roughly in the range of 0.1 to 0.3g (100 – 300mg). That’s the range I’ve seen recommended for microdosing, although some people prefer to go even lower, like around 50mg.

So I did the first 4 days this way – very imprecisely – just to get the ball rolling. On the first day, I crushed the dried shrooms with my fingers and make them into some tea with ginger and mint. Another day I mixed them with ground espresso and made an Americano with them. The other two days I just ate them straight.

Along the way I read that it’s best to have a microdose on an empty stomach, like 30 minutes before any food, since taking it with food can diminish the effects, so I’ll make that refinement going forward.

It’s too soon to tell if there’s much contrast between microdosing and not, but I did have some very good and productive days there, and I feel good about continuing. On Friday I had a long list of tasks that I didn’t feel particularly motivated to do – a large batch of admin items mostly. I figured I’d get through about half of them that day, but I ended up completing the entire list. The previous two days were also very productive, a bit better than average. My mind felt very calm and clear. But I wasn’t doing any creative work during those days, so I’m curious to see if there’s an effect when I write something.

I also noticed some extra happy feelings on the first two days, similar to when I eat all raw. Sometimes I sensed mild perceptual differences, as if the world looked a little more 3D than usual, like I was more aware of the depth of field in front of me. On the second day I did some intensive journaling and felt super clear about some decisions.

Today is an my second non-microdosing day in a row, and it’s going well so far. I have heard some people say that they actually feel better effects on their off days than on their active microdosing days. I’m just getting started with this, so I’ll need more time to figure that out, but my mind is feeling very good. Even if it’s just a little bit of the placebo effect, I certainly don’t mind it when I’m enjoying a nice flow of action.

I do like the overall promise of microdosing, and I sense that it could be a useful method for helping to stretch my mind a bit more in various directions, allowing me to nudge my thinking and actions down fresh pathways with greater ease and less resistance.

Some people say that microdosing brings them closer to the person they were meant to be. I can see why that may be so.

Refining the Approach

Now that I’ve gotten started, I want to refine the approach and be more precise about it, especially in terms of dialing in the dosages. I don’t know what my optimal microdosing amount will be, but I imagine that it will be in the range of 100 to 300mg.

This weekend I acquired some extra pieces to help me, including a microscale, so I can more precisely measure tiny amounts. I didn’t realize they were so inexpensive – about $15. I don’t want to recommend one since I haven’t had a chance to try it yet, but I basically went with one of the top ones listed on Amazon. I think they’re probably all pretty comparable. I don’t need precision down to 0.001g for this. I also got some vegan capsules (size 00), so I can make my own mixtures.

I intend to test the Stamets Stack, which combines magic mushrooms with Lion’s Mane and niacin. You can Google that if you want to learn more about it and what the benefits are supposed to be, but basically it’s intended to increase the neurological benefits of microdosing, helping small amounts to go further.

I think I’ll make a few capsules with 100mg, some with 200mg, and some with 300mg of powdered magic mushrooms. I’ll probably use 100mg of niacin per capsule, and then I’ll fill the rest with powdered Lion’s Mane. I should have all that ready in time for my next microdose this Wednesday, so I can begin Week 2 with more precision.

Initially I want to experiment with taking these different amounts to see what the effects are. Then I might settle into a preferred level for the long run. But I think it’s likely that I may find different doses appropriate for different kinds of experiences, so even long-term, I may not limit myself to a fixed dosage each microdosing day.

I might also make a few 500mg capsules, which gets more into minidose territory, to see what the effects are at that level. There may be some occasions where that’s a good fit, like if I want to have a deeply introspective day, and I don’t mind if some mild psychedelic effects are coming through as well. I work from home most days, so I don’t need to worry about commuting, business meetings, and other Golgafrinchan activities. I’d prefer not to feel semi-trippy during Zoom calls though, although that would likely be fine if it happened during one of the Mystery Mixer calls we do in Conscious Growth Club (since that format is meant to be fully co-creative).

I’m happy to share more updates about this as I continue to explore. In the meantime if you’re curious about it, it’s easy to find articles, stories, and videos of people sharing their microdosing results and experiences online.

I wonder if readers will notice any differences in my writing in the weeks ahead. This is the first post I’ve written while exploring microdosing (although on one of the off days). I’ll be sure to try writing some posts on active microdosing days as well.

Readers’ Reactions to My Psychedelic Writings

You may be curious to know how people have been reacting to my recent writings about exploring psychedelics this year. Technically I already wrote about exploring ayahuasca back in 2019 and another psychedelic experience in 2022, so this isn’t the first year I’ve written about such topics. But I am writing more about it this year because I’m exploring more.

I’ve actually received zero criticism about this topic. Nothing. Not a single critical comment.

Maybe I’ve conditioned my audience not to bother, but I don’t think it’s that. When doing research on this and looking at the comments, like on YouTube, they tend to be overwhelmingly noncritical too. What I’ve seen elsewhere aligns with the same kind of feedback I’ve been receiving personally.

I have received a lot of non-critical feedback on this – definitely not crickets – and it’s almost all from people sharing about their own experiences with psychedelics, however abundant or limited. Many people shared tips and advice, such as for reducing nausea when taking mushrooms. There’s been some of back-and-forth conversation with people on this too. I very much appreciate and enjoy this type of feedback. It’s intelligent, helpful, and clearly well-intentioned.

It’s clear that many people are curious about this, and it feels purposeful to explore this and to share about the journey. Sometimes I may not be able to share all of the details, but I promise to be honest in what I’m able to share. I know that as I’ve been looking into this, I really appreciated hearing people’s honest reports about their experiences. This is a complex space, and honesty is so crucial here.

My heart also goes out to people who really need viable alternatives to endless pharmaceuticals, where the intentionality behind the drugs isn’t aligned with people’s long-term health and well-being. Many people are finding renewed hope in emerging psychedelic therapies, especially in overcoming depression, anxiety, and addiction.

What I like about psychedelics is that they provide such a flexible canvas for exploring self-development. It’s not really the substances that appeal to me. I’m interested in the gateway they offer to a world of greater conscious intentionality. I regard psychedelics as intentionality amplifiers.

Psychedelics can be extremely humbling and also empowering. They can show us the results and consequences of our past intentionality, and they can give us glimpses of what we could experience by shifting our intentionality in new directions. One of my goals is to continue cultivating a deeply trusting relationship with intentional psychedelic exploration, as an extension of cultivating deep trust in life. Microdosing seems like an excellent way to build a stronger baseline level of trust.

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Consciously Exploring Your Relationship with Drugs

Humanity has a complex, long-term relationship with a wide variety of drugs. In this article let’s delve into your personal relationship with drugs, how you frame them, and how you might upgrade these relationships to be more conscious and aligned with your path of self-development. Let’s include common drug sources like coffee, tea, and chocolate too, so this will be very inclusive.

My purpose here isn’t to encourage or discourage you from using any particular substances but rather to invite you to take a more conscious and honest look at your current frames, attitudes, biases, and behaviors, and determine if you want to make any improvements there.

This isn’t as simple as it may initially appear. You have many options for these relationships, much more nuanced than good/bad or right/wrong. If you’d appreciate a more mature exploration of this topic, you’ve come to the right place.

Language

A key aspect of our relationship with drugs is how we communicate about them, both to ourselves and to others.

Notice how different labels can change how you feel about a drug:

  • Caffeine
  • Coffee
  • Green coffee
  • Organic coffee
  • Pour-over
  • Cold brew coffee
  • Small batch roasted coffee
  • Artisan coffee
  • Sumatra
  • French roast
  • Cuppa
  • Tea
  • Green tea
  • White tea
  • Coke
  • Pepsi
  • Cola
  • Energy drink
  • Red Bull
  • 5-Hour Energy
  • Latte
  • Espresso
  • Cappuccino
  • Starbucks
  • Decaf (still contains some caffeine)
  • Chocolate
  • Dark chocolate
  • Hot chocolate
  • Milk chocolate
  • Chocolate milk
  • Cocoa
  • Cacao
  • Cacao nibs
  • Chocolate sprinkles
  • Chocolate cake
  • Chocolate ice cream
  • Hershey’s Kiss
  • Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup
  • Gourmet Chocolate
  • Chocolate Liquor

We could go on with hundreds more, right?

These labels all offer different ways of framing relationships with common stimulants. Mixing a stimulant with other substances like sugar or associating it with experiences like holidays can add complexity to that relationship too.

This variety offers people more inroads to the same type of drug. People may object to many of these pathways, but the drug only needs one acceptable opening to get into your body. You can reject coffee, tea, caffeinated sodas, and so on, but if you’re okay with dark chocolate, then you’re entering into a relationship with a drug, potentially for the rest of your life.

I’m starting with one of the most common drug relationships here so you can begin to grasp the complexity of these relationships and how easy it is for drugs to become a seemingly natural part of our lives these days, so much that we don’t even see it.

Notice how you get a different vibe and cultivate a different relationship with certain substances based on how you label them.

Consider labels like cannabis, marijuana, Mary Jane, pot, weed, etc? Does it make a difference if you see on someone’s dating profile “420 friendly” versus “pothead”?

Do you prefer MDMA, ecstasy, XTC, molly, love drug, Scooby Snacks, or some other name?

Would you rather do an LSD trip or drop acid? It’s the same substance either way, but your verbal framing can change how you relate to it.

Different people prefer different associations. I encourage you to think about how you want to frame these relationships, and consider how your preferences are affecting your behavior. How would it be different if you changed up your labels, such as by referring to your latte as stims instead?

What if Starbucks had an arguably more objective and accurate name like Daydrugs? How might that impact the relationship that people cultivate with it?

Socially Conditioned Drug Relationships

We all grow up learning certain default frames for drugs, and many people essentially stick with those inherited frames for the rest of their lives, never challenging them much.

My parents both consumed coffee daily and only had alcohol (mainly wine) very sparingly like at holidays. I never saw either of them drunk. They never smoked. My siblings and I had relatively easy access to caffeinated sodas, chocolate (including chocolate milk at school), and lots of items containing sugar. Some drugs were framed as normal and fine, others only for adults and only for special occasions, and others off limits entirely. But most of the time the drug label wasn’t applied to the socially acceptable drugs; it will usually just applied to the off-limit substances. And pharmaceutical drugs were typically referred to as medicine.

In my religious upbringing, I learned that Jesus was very non-judgmental about alcohol and even encouraged people to drink wine. Many churches served a sip of wine during mass, including to children. In that context it was socially acceptable.

As a child I also noticed that if I pointed out the confusing nature of these associations to adults or strayed from the socially conditioned framing, such as by referring to coffee as drugs or to a daily coffee drinker as an addict, I’d get some negative pushback. Some people would even vehemently defend their preferred frames. I quickly learned that adults often resisted alternative frames. I found it refreshing when a coffee drinker or chocolate lover would openly admit to being a stimulant addict, shamelessly owning it instead of hiding behind labels that allowed more room for denial. It was interesting that some people shamed any kind of addiction labeling while others simply embraced it as honest.

I also grew up during a time when the War on Drugs loomed large. I remember hearing Nancy Reagan’s “Just say no” campaign being blasted at us. Consequently, I gained an early negative association to the word drug, and I’ve noticed that I still dislike applying that label to certain types of substances where I want to explore a different kind of relationship, such as psychedelics. In fact, I feel better labeling coffee and chocolate as drugs than magic mushrooms, ayahuasca, or LSD. This doesn’t seem to be due to my personal experience (I’ve done mushrooms and aya but not LSD) but rather due to educating myself a lot more and developing a better understanding of the benefits and risks of certain substances.

The War on Drugs lumped psychedelics into the same category as cocaine and heroine, as if LSD and PCP were basically equivalent roads to hell. Meanwhile alcohol and smoking remained legal and socially okay despite how dangerous and addictive they were for so many people.

Mushrooms and LSD are not physiologically addictive. If you tried to consume magic mushrooms (or psilocybin) every day, you’d build a tolerance really quickly, and soon you’d have to be eating a ridiculous quantity to get the same effect. Even to microdose effectively, people need to take frequent days off (such as 4 days on, 2 days off) in order to avoid rapidly building a high tolerance.

I still get a weird internal reaction when I hear someone refer to magic mushrooms, psilocybin, LSD, or ayahuasca as drugs. That label is technically correct, but to me it carries a stigma that these substances don’t deserve. Consequently, I prefer labels like psychedelics, psychoactive substances, or transformational chemistry. These labels help me develop a more rational relationship instead of driving me back into the emotional and irrational framing that was conditioned into me during childhood.

The invitation here is to carefully reflect upon the socially conditioned aspects of your relationships with drugs. Look for bias in those relationships, and consciously challenge those biases to cultivate more honest, truth-aligned, and personally meaningful relationships. This may include changing the labels you apply to these relationships, so you can graduate from the old conditioned judgments that may not serve your highest good.

Intelligence

Take a conscious look at your prior conditioning and see if it’s aligned with accessing your best intelligence regarding how you now relate to certain substances. Did you inherit emotionally loaded frames like I did? If so, it might be wise to upgrade your framing, so you can fully engage your rational mind and not have it suppressed or derailed.

You may also choose to keep some of your older frames if you feel they serve you well. I grew up with a negative association to smoking, and to this day I’ve never smoked a cigarette or cigar. Not one puff. I still have no interest in doing so. I associate smoking with cancer, black lungs, cutting seven years off my lifespan, coughing, lower IQ, being socially stigmatized, repulsive odors, wasting money, being a bad influence on others, a nasty addiction, etc. I really don’t see any upside to smoking that could overcome all those negatives. Consequently, I’m okay with keeping these associations intact, till I see a rational reason to upgrade them. For now I feel that these associations protect me and keep me safer, helping me avoid a well-marked danger zone.

On the flip side, as I’ve been educating myself about psychedelics, I learned that my old associations were just dead wrong. I had highly irrational notions about certain substances and demonized them for much of my life. What helped me start opening my mind was when friends who had used substances such as ayahuasca, mushrooms, DMT, MDMA, and LSD told me their stories, and their reports didn’t mesh with my prior conditioning. That made me curious to start looking for facts, details, and more personal accounts, and that extra digging helped me upgrade my old thinking to be more rational and reality-based, as opposed to irrational and fear-based.

I think a sensible intention is to develop a rational and intelligent relationship with drugs. This means graduating from your childhood conditioning and shedding false notions. Simply seek to learn the truth. That’s a simple intention but a powerful one.

Exploration

Another pathway to upgrade your understanding of certain substances is to give yourself room to explore and experiment. The outside perspective looking in is always different from the inside perspective. There’s just no substitute for direct experience.

That said, I also think it’s wise to do your homework first, and look for promising avenues to explore instead of exploring willy nilly.

I don’t want to explore smoking because I see no promise there. How many people have shared amazing stories of smoking and encouraged me to try it? Zero. How many promising studies have encouraged me to try it? Zero. So that’s the shittiest invitation ever. Instant reject.

With other substances I’ve seen much more promising possibilities. That’s true of coffee, chocolate, ayahuasca, LSD, mushrooms (psilocybin), San Pedro, MDMA, DMT, and several others. There’s no compelling reason to explore the apparent duds when there are much better offers on the table. With psychedelics there’s a new gold rush happening, and it seems well-founded as people really do appear to be finding lots of proverbial gold there.

Just as you can flex with your preferred labels, you may also discover some flexibility in the windows that feel open to you for exploration. For instance, it may feel very different if a trusted friend offers you a puff of a joint at a party versus going out and buying one yourself. So pay attention to accessibility because it’s easier to explore the substances that are more accessible for you.

I used tobacco once during a rapé ceremony at an ayahuasca retreat. A shaman used a pipe to blow it up my nose. And wow was that intense! It felt like my brain was injected with Sriracha for a few minutes. It was also fun and accessible to do it with a group of friends and see everyone rolling on the floor howling afterwards – an odd sort of bonding experience. Even though I retain major negative associations to smoking cigarettes, I still had the opening to engage with tobacco in a narrow ceremonial and social context, and I have no regrets about that. I don’t feel any significant desire to repeat the experience, but I’m glad I took advantage of the opening that presented itself to do that particular exploration.

My first psychedelic experience also presented itself as an open window that I could accept. It was at an ayahuasca retreat center in Costa Rica in 2019. If I accepted the invite, I’d be going with a group of about a dozen friends, and Rachelle would be going too. I didn’t feel any peer pressure to go, but I did see it as a nice opportunity to have an experience in a fun and social way. I liked that I’d be able to go through the integration process with smart, growth-oriented people I knew, and it seemed like it would be a unique bonding experience. It was all of that and more, so I’m really glad I went.

You may think that exploration is risky, and yes there is some risk there. But also consider the risk of not exploring. Missing out on a powerful transformational opportunity can be just as much of a mistake as trying something and having a bad experience. Be careful not to overweight errors of commission because errors of omission can be just as bad or even worse. Imagine missing the chance to permanently upgrade your thinking, emotional baseline, understanding of reality, and so on – that’s a serious risk too.

We humans have a known bias towards irrational levels of loss aversion – i.e. not making advantageous bets when the odds are clearly in our favor because we’re too afraid of losing. It’s important to recognize this and consciously compensate for this bias by giving due consideration to the potential upsides. I do this by adding a bit more weight to exploration and curiosity, which has been working very well for me, particularly when it comes to exploring psychedelics. I like to play it safe while also giving myself reasonable opportunities for significant wins and breakthroughs.

Abstinence

Another option is to choose to abstain from drugs. You can do this on a case-by-case basis, or you can try to universally abstain. If you do the latter, you’ll need to avoid all coffee, caffeinated tea, chocolate, sugar, alcohol, pharmaceuticals, and more. If you want to be ultra-pure, you ought to abstain from tap water too in many areas since it’s contaminated with small amounts of many drugs.

I was fairly purist in abstaining from most drugs, including caffeine and alcohol, for many years of my life, especially during my 20s. Some years I avoided all pharmaceuticals too. I liked the feeling of being super clean. I also went vegetarian and then vegan during those years. I trained in martial arts and ran a marathon too, so this abstinent relationship with drugs meshed well with my overall lifestyle.

My framing back then was very physical. I wanted my body to be as clean as possible. I thought any sort of drugs would degrade my mental and emotional performance, so I felt it best to avoid them.

I think this is a viable option. It can be difficult in some situations, but it’s not impossible. Many people have abstinent relationships with one or more substances and seem very aligned with those relationships.

Moderation

Another option for relating to drugs is to use them in moderation, like an experiential accent to your life. Allow yourself the flexibility for some occasional usage when you think the benefits are worth the risks, and do your best to minimize the potential harm to yourself and others.

In the long run, I found the abstinence approach limiting because it prevented having certain experiences that I might otherwise find worthwhile. So I gradually opened up more to find a different calibration point. I liked having the flexibility to explore now and then. I didn’t find that too great of a sacrifice.

One way to make these decisions is to check in with your anticipated feelings of regret. Are you more likely to regret having an experience or not having it? Make the decision you think will lead to the least regret.

Another option is to go where you think the appreciation will be the greatest. This is my preferred method. I like to ask: On balance will I experience more appreciation from having this experience or from avoiding the experience? That helps me make choices I appreciate (obviously).

Sometimes I have coffee, chocolate, or alcohol, but I will also go months at a stretch without them. I particularly enjoy exploring different kinds of wine with Rachelle now and then, especially after we did a Napa Valley wine tasting trip together many years ago. It’s an occasional indulgence that I enjoy and appreciate, as long as I don’t do it too often.

We like to pour 2.5-ounce glasses (half of a regular glass) of wine, and sometimes that’s all we’ll have in an evening. If we want more, we’ll pour another 2.5-ounce serving. If we order wine or some other alcoholic drink at a restaurant (we usually don’t), we will often split one drink between us. We don’t need many sips to have an experience we’ll appreciate.

In a few weeks when we’re in Scotland, we’ll visit a Scotch distillery as one of many tourist activities, and of course we’re going to try the Scotch. For most of my life I hated Scotch, but I opted to try more varieties of it a few years ago and found some that I like. My current favorite is Speyside Scotch. I don’t like having a lot of it, but just a half-ounce now and then can really enliven my taste buds in an interesting way. Again it’s one of those accents that I appreciate.

Moderation doesn’t work well for everyone though, and it may work better for some substances than others. There are different ways of doing it too.

It’s easy for me to be moderate with alcohol because I don’t find it addictive. My body doesn’t crave it. In fact, when I have some, I can often tell my body would rather avoid it for a while afterwards. I can’t ever see myself falling into the pattern of drinking every day or even every week or month. Rachelle is much the same. We can have alcohol in the house and not feel inclined to touch it for many weeks in a row. But I know others for whom this isn’t an option. If they have alcohol in their house, they’ll consume it daily till it’s all gone.

With coffee, however, I can’t have this same kind of relationship because caffeine is very addictive for me. If I have it once, pretty soon I’m having it every day, usually twice a day. I have gotten better at this, but generally the best I can do if I want to experience coffee is to cycle with it, where I will have it daily for some months of the year, and then I’ll go through the weeklong detox process and have some months of total abstention. When I’m coffee-free, I usually need to be chocolate-free too because chocolate is my gateway drug back to coffee. Same goes with white tea, green tea, etc. Any stimulants, even mild ones, will eventually hurl me back into coffee’s welcoming embrace.

For now I actually like having this on-again, off-again relationship with coffee. I notice that when I’m drinking coffee, my thinking is usually narrower in focus and more linear, like I’m going through a sort of tunnel mentally. Sometimes that’s helpful, like when I want to advance in a pretty clear direction.

When I’m not consuming coffee, my thinking opens up more. My perspective widens. I’m able to see the big picture more clearly. That’s really good for making fresh high-level decisions and balancing many different possibilities. So this relationship with coffee is like shifting between yin and yang modes for me. I like both but at different times of year. It took many years to figure out this balance.

I notice that the balance regulates itself pretty well too just by listening to my inner signals. If I consume caffeine for too many months in a row, my thinking starts becoming a bit chaotic, and I find it harder to focus. I also notice a build-up of joint pain, like while running, as if I’m becoming slightly arthritic. That all goes away within a week after I stop having coffee.

Then after some caffeine-free time, I eventually begin feeling that it would be nice to start having some again. Sometimes that’s an external event like a retreat where I know people will be drinking coffee, or maybe it’s a trip where I know Rachelle will want to visit some nice cafes, and I want to share in that experience with her. This cycling approach lets me appreciate having coffee and also not having coffee.

By contrast many other people I know, including Rachelle, are able to have coffee daily for years with apparently no negative side effects. I seem to be able to do that when I eat all raw or mostly raw. Then I don’t experience the build-up of negative side effects. It could be that the raw foods help to counteract the long-term effects of the coffee in ways that cooked foods don’t.

Pay attention to how your body, mind, and emotions react, especially when taking substances frequently. See if you can adopt an approach that maximizes your long-term appreciation, which may be very different from what you’ve been taught or what you’ve seen other people doing.

I feel that I got stuck for many years by trying to blindly following patterns I learned from others instead of paying more attention to my own inner responses and what they were teaching me about myself. I feel that my own body and mind give me the best advice, but only when I can listen to them directly and open-mindedly, without filtering through preconceived notions and irrational biases.

Trust

This leads into the next type of relationship, which is trust.

One perspective I use today is that all drugs are energy patterns. Each drug is like a software program that interfaces with our personal energy matrices. These encodings are actually purposeful and meant to serve us in some way. I find it wise to trust those encodings. I even see it as being purposeful when people go through phases of addiction, like it’s something their spirit or energy needs to experience for a while. Remember that all drug addictions are temporary.

This doesn’t mean trusting that a drug will always behave as you desire or that there will be no negative consequences. It’s more about trusting the drug to play the role it’s meant to play while also bending its behavior with some intentionality.

Start by trusting that alcohol will behave like alcohol. Trust that psilocybin will behave like psilocybin. But within the range of possibilities for each drug that you’re open to exploring, also invite yourself to develop a trust-based relationship with the substance.

This is much like trusting human beings to behave like human beings actually behave, which is a deeper and more mature level of trust than the immature form that invites trust wounds. The immature form of trust is hoping that people will behave as you want or expect them to.

It’s very difficult for a drug to betray you if you adopt the mature form of trust and let go of the immature form. It’s important for you to assume the responsibility for your role in this relationship too, knowing that you have agency to make intelligent decisions based on a drug’s actual range of possibilities. This includes being more open-minded when you’re not sure about a drug’s likely effects.

Trust is especially powerful and important when using psychedelics. There’s such a wide range of possibilities that it would be foolish to blame the drug for not behaving the way you want it to behave. You’re less likely to be disappointed if you trust psychedelics to behave like psychedelics, which includes allowing plenty of room for surprise.

I found this to be a particular useful frame that gives me enough room to explore and to keep having more growth experiences. I trust that each drug will yield an experience within its range of possible effects, and then I set intentions that align with this range. Alcohol can align with the intention to be more playful and less inhibited. Magic mushrooms could mesh well with the intention to have a deep inner transformational journey. Caffeine might be a good fit for crafting a detailed and thorough article.

Curiosity and Dabbling

Some people explore various drugs to satisfy their curiosity. They may continue to dabble for curiosity’s sake, or they may feel satisfied after a single experience.

Many people have taken a particular drug, such as LSD, one time in their entire lives, and they felt that was enough for them. They satisfied their curiosity and never wanted to repeat the experience.

My relationship with marijuana has been a bit like this. I think I’ve done it six times total, always while traveling. I’ve actually never done it in Las Vegas where I live, even though it’s been legalized here and there are plenty of dispensaries where it’s easily accessible.

I feel like my curiosity about marijuana has been mostly satisfied. It makes me a bit giddy, but otherwise I don’t find the effects very impressive or interesting. I feel like it might be more useful to me if I had depression or anxiety. It’s hard for me to find a good use case for it.

I’m a little bit curious to try vegan gummies at some point, but otherwise I’m way more curious about psychedelic substances like mushrooms, LSD, MDMA, DMT, San Pedro, and a few others. Marijuana seems rather boring by comparison. I actually find caffeine more interesting.

That said, I’m still open to using it very occasionally, like if friends are having it at a party, I might enjoy joining them in the experience. I wouldn’t feel any pressure to do so though.

Curiosity-driven dabbling is a perfectly valid relationship to have with a substance. Don’t feel that you need to press beyond that if a substance doesn’t seem to be offering a worthwhile package of benefits.

Social Use

That leads to another aspect of our relationship with drugs, which is the social side. This is how many people end up trying various drugs in the first place – their peers introduce them to it.

Many people don’t have much of a relationship with certain drugs at all except when they connect to drugs through other people. Some drugs (such as MDMA) affect socialization too, so the experiences can be better when shared with other people.

Consider whether you also want to explore solo experiences at some point and with which substances. That’s an option, and it can be a very different kind of experience.

For many people, it’s not a big deal to drink coffee, eat chocolate, or smoke while alone. But they might frown upon drinking alcohol alone or doing MDMA alone. Notice that you may have different solo and social relationships with the same substances.

Another factor is that the experience can be very different depending on the people you’re with. In some cases this can be even more important than the specific substance and even the dosage.

I feel very comfortable having Rachelle as my sitter for psychedelic explorations because she’s very good at keeping her vibe up, even when I’m having a rough ride. I wouldn’t want to have such experiences with people whose energy, emotions, or behavior might pull me in an undesirable direction like anxiety, stress, worry, frustration, etc. That could too easily lead to a hellishly bad trip. I feel fortunate that my first four psychedelic journeys (ayahuasca) were with positive, growth-oriented friends.

In some ways the safety can be greater during a social experience since there may be other people looking out for you. However, other people can also be a source of risk, whether accidental or deliberate, especially if they’re taking substances too.

I advise you to also consider the supreme importance of an aligned social circle even when you’re substance-free. Consider that a psychedelic trip often amplifies energies that are already present. If you wouldn’t feel safe doing a trip with certain people who are regularly present in your life right now (online or offline), do they even belong in your life at all?

This is an interesting criteria for raising your social standards. For each person in your life, ask: Would I ever want to trip with this person? If the answer is no, consider switching to an abstinent relationship with that person altogether. Free up your energy to attract the right Guild members for you.

Self-Development, Growth, and Transformation

This is my favorite type of relationship to explore with drugs, particularly psychedelics, which show incredible promise when consciously used as tools of personal transformation.

I even think that many other drugs can be used for personal growth, including caffeine and alcohol, when this level of intentionality is brought to the experience, combined with the mature form of trust that I mentioned earlier in the Trust section.

Here are some interesting intentions to consider when using drugs for conscious growth:

  • Show me the next steps on my life path.
  • Teach me what I need to know.
  • Show me how reality really works.
  • Teach me something about reality that I didn’t know.
  • Help me release / overcome / forgive ____.
  • Heal my heart.
  • Show me who I’m meant to be.
  • Let me speak with my higher self.
  • Bathe me in love and oneness.
  • Wake me up.
  • Ignite my soul.
  • Help me develop a trusting relationship with life.
  • Help me let go of fear, anxiety, depression, shame, guilt, regret, etc.
  • Help me transform my relationship with a painful or difficult memory.
  • Tell me about my life purpose.
  • Help me overcome my fear of death.
  • Show me the multiverse, non-physical reality, other dimensions, etc.
  • I invite a love-aligned, non-physical entity to come speak with me.
  • I invite a deceased friend or relative to come speak with me.
  • Open my third eye.
  • Inspire me creatively.
  • Connect me with my muse.
  • Show me the solution to ____.
  • Surprise me. I trust you.

It may take some exploration to determine which intentions give you the most transformational experiences. This is one aspect of psychedelic exploration that I’m super curious about. There are so many different kinds of intentions to explore, and they really do seem to have powerful effects.

I suggest that you don’t blindly follow other people’s advice even if they seem certain about the best intentions to set. I did that with my first ayahuasca experience and found the recommended intentions, such as “Heal my heart,” to not be the best ones for me. Especially beware of presumptuous intentions like that one – Does everyone’s heart really need healing? Assuming that yours needs healing may invite an experience to validate that perspective, but you might have a more worthwhile experience with a very different intention. The “heal my heart” intention took me deep into intense emotional space with lots of crying, but in retrospect I can’t say that it was particularly transformational. I feel like the substance basically put on a show for me because I asked it to. I think I gained more transformational value by inviting ayahuasca’s wisdom to gently dialogue with me on the subsequent ceremony nights.

You can also try single-word intentions. I find those easier to remember when I’m going through the experience. Last time I even wrote them down on paper, so I could physically read them as I was beginning the trip. I used only four words for my intention: deep, gentle, loving, light. That was plenty for a very deep, nine-hour mushroom trip.

Activation and Suppression

Another reason people take drugs is to activate or suppress some aspect of their biology, like turning a volume dial. Many people use caffeine to amp up their alertness, alcohol to help them feel more social and less inhibited, and other drugs to suppress anxiety, depression, or pain.

One aspect to consider here is whether this relationship is serving you. How do you feel about using drugs for this purpose? Are you taking any now for that purpose, and if so, does that relationship feel aligned to you?

This type of relationship with drugs can often be tricky to maintain, especially if the drugs have potential negative side effects. Many women, for instance, have such a relationship with birth control pills, doing their best to balance the risks versus rewards. Because it’s not a perfect solution, this can be an uneasy relationship that retains some tension and doubt even after a decision is made.

This is still a valid way to relate to certain drugs, especially those designed for that purpose. Just be wary of potential side effects and long-term dependency or addiction risks. Be sure to keep checking in with yourself, your body, your thoughts, and your feelings to assess if the relationship is working for you. Be ready to acknowledge when your assessment has changed because many people do eventually experience a change of mind or heart about these relationships. Pay attention to your inner truth, and do your best to honor it.

Curing

One reason many people are turning to psychedelics is that it can enable them to stop taking pharmaceuticals long-term for activation or suppression. They finally cure the underlying condition and reach a new balancing point, solving the activation or suppression issue once and for all.

Psychedelics in particular are offering many people profound transformations as they’re being studied by researchers, scientists, doctors, and therapists. People are reporting overcoming depression, anxiety, PTSD, and various addictions with just one dose. I’ve personally met people who’ve claimed to have had such transformations, both with high doses taken 1-2 times or with long-term microdosing.

With microdosing there’s some variability too, with some people finding that a sufficient duration of microdosing seems to cure or diminish their underlying condition well enough that they can stop microdosing and still retain the lasting benefits, and other people finding that if they stop microdosing, their symptoms soon return. In the latter case, people often prefer long-term microdosing to long-term pharmaceutical use, feeling that it’s safer and healthier for them.

As I shared in my Psychedelic Science 2023 conference review, there’s a lot of promising research unfolding in this area.

This is another situation where it’s important to make a rational and informed decision, and especially watch out for any irrational bias towards loss aversion that could cause you to miss out on something that could be life-changing. The chance to permanently cure or significantly improve a long-term condition like depression, anxiety, PTSD, or addiction is a pretty huge win for some people, especially when steps are taken to minimize the downside risks. Weigh this against the risk of having that same condition for the rest of your life or even seeing it worsen over time.

Creativity

Countless books, movies, and works of art were inspired or assisted by various drugs. One reason is that many drugs help people stretch beyond their default mode of thinking and offer fresh perspectives.

This is an interesting way to open up the flow of creativity and potentially put out more creative work.

I’ve been making a living from my creative work for decades and haven’t had a job in 30+ years, so I don’t feel like I need substances to help me in this area. But I am super curious to see what fresh creative work I might produce with the perspective shifts that psychedelics can open up.

I also notice some extra motivation to write and share more after my recent mushroom trips (three in the last few weeks).

I’ve got a three-week trip to the UK coming up soon, and when I return I’d love to dive into the Engage course that I began working on earlier this year. I’d also like to do some additional psychedelic journeys while developing it. It’s my sixth major course, so I’m up for having a more expansive kind of experience this time. I don’t feel I need psychedelics to create more, but I am curious to see how I might create differently by taking one or more substances along the way.

I also want to write more articles inspired by various insights that came through as a result of processing and integrating psychedelic experiences, not just direct reports about the experiences themselves. The flow of fresh ideas is actually getting to be a bit much this week – way faster than I can actually write them up and publish them.

How do you feel about using drugs for this purpose?

I don’t like the idea of becoming dependent upon drugs for creativity, and I’m glad that was never an issue for me, but I do find it fascinating to see what more we humans can create with drugs as part of the process. I’m glad that many people have been exploring that because I think it really adds value to our lives. So this is an area where I’m very open-minded about doing more personal experimentation.

I also like that this can make the experience of creativity more divergent and adventurous for me, especially after so many years of doing creative work. It keeps my creative future from becoming too tame and predictable.

Pleasure and Recreation

Drugs are commonly used for pleasure, recreation, and entertainment of course, which can be a mixed blessing. Many drugs can make us feel really good, but this relationship may invite a great deal of risk depending on which drugs you use and how the relationship flows over time.

One risk here is that using drugs in this manner can lead to addiction. Another risk is that such usage can gradually numb your ability to feel as much pleasure from other pursuits, such as gaining a sense of accomplishment from completing a task. You may experience a loss of natural motivation if the drug relationship interferes with your normal biochemical reward pathways. This can lead to consuming the drug more frequently or at higher doses in an attempt to restore your previous emotional baseline.

My advice is to be very cautious if you use drugs for pleasure, especially if you perceive a meaningful risk of getting addicted or throwing your physiology out of whack. Trying to maintain this type of relationship with drugs has been a slippery slope for many people.

I personally know someone who became very addicted to cocaine, and that addiction wrecked his career, finances, and marriage. He maxed out his personal and business credit to buy more cocaine, then secretly opened new credit accounts under his wife’s name without telling her and maxed those out too. Eventually his house of cards came tumbling down, and he finally began working on overcoming his addiction. With strong encouragement from her family to get the hell out that relationship, his wife left him while he was in rehab. He eventually rebuilt his life in a new direction, including becoming very religious, but it sure wasn’t easy for him. He really seemed like a different person afterwards, perhaps because I’d grown accustomed to his cocaine-fueled personality. That’s another factor to take into consideration – that drugs may reshape your personality to such a degree that you may end up having to rebuild a lot of human relationships after getting off them, possibly because people will be left wondering if they ever really knew you.

One way to help prevent this relationship from overtaking you is by having some totally drug-free weeks or months every year, ideally combined with eating a super clean diet. For me this means abstaining from coffee, chocolate, alcohol, and anything else that may be considered a drug. I will often eat fully or mostly raw for many weeks in a row too; in 2021 I did that for the whole year. I like to give my body plenty of clean stretches. I find these periods really good for detoxification, mental clarity improvements, emotional rebalancing, and resetting any potential drug-related tolerances (mainly caffeine). One benefit is that doing this regularly can restore your sensitivity to various drugs. Many foods will taste and smell better afterwards too.

Another good practice is to place extra rails on when you’ll use drugs for pleasure, so as to limit how frequently you’ll do that. As I noted earlier, I’ve only smoked pot while traveling and only with other people, so I never created an association to doing it at home, in my home city, or by myself. That makes it pretty tough for me to get addicted to it. I’ve met people who can’t seem to function without smoking pot daily, and I have no desire to go that route since it seems like a fairly sad place to be, so I regard such people as useful signposts warning of the potential dangers of going too far with a particular drug relationship. I remember cuddling with such a woman once and noting how fragmented her energy felt, as if her spirit was broken into shards like a shattered mirror.

Be ultra-cautious about taking drugs where pleasure is the primary benefit, such as heroin. That can really spiral your life downward quickly. Personally I prefer to maintain an abstinent relationship with such substances that have such a high risk to reward ratio.

With many types of psychedelics, pleasure-based addiction is highly unlikely. It’s pretty much unheard of to get addicted to LSD, for instance. Even when microdosing regularly, LSD isn’t likely to create a physiological addiction. With some psychedelics that can produce pleasurable feelings though, such as MDMA (Ecstasy), it’s possible to take it more frequently than is wise due to a desire to experience those delightful feelings again. For some people this can create negative side effects like feeling down when not taking MDMA.

This is one reason I feel pretty safe exploring psychedelics. I see little chance of ever becoming addicted to them. It’s nice to have some space between sessions, so I can do the deep inner work of integration by journaling, reflecting, and discussing the experience with friends. I like that psychedelics don’t take me away from socializing but actually improve my social life. So instead of using drugs for pleasure, consider the big picture of using drugs to increase your overall happiness, especially when you’re not actively taking them.

Be sure to consider the risk-reward ratio too. In terms of potential harm to oneself and others, alcohol is perhaps the most dangerous common drug out there, followed by heroin, meth, cocaine, and tobacco. Cannabis is significantly safer than all of those. And mushrooms, LSD, MDMA, and Ketamine are all significantly safer than cannabis. See this drug safety chart for more details.

I like exploring with mushrooms because they’re a lot less risky than other substances, and I can see with my eyes that a shroom is a shroom, as opposed to wondering what a pill may actually contain. Most MDMA isn’t pure, for instance, since it’s cut with other substances. I also don’t have to worry about what dubious source I might be supporting with mushrooms since they aren’t coming from some cartel operation.

Escape

Another common use of drugs is to escape. Take a break from life by putting it on pause for a while, or at least make it seem that way. It’s a coping strategy for dealing with life’s pressures (work, money, relationships, family demands, etc.). For some it’s an escape from boredom.

How this relationship develops depends on your frequency and intensity of escape. Are you using drugs occasionally as a pressure-release value or perhaps to add a bit more variety to your life? Does this help you return to your life with a bit more capacity afterwards? This kind of escape-based relationship can be very positive, like taking a vacation now and then.

Alternatively, have drugs become a more frequent escape, such that your life is essentially on pause and failing to advance? Is this relationship with drugs interfering with your human relationships, fueling more disconnection and isolation? This can be a very problematic relationship for anyone who values growth and self-development, essentially trapping you in a dead end for a while.

Use escape to help you do the work of developing yourself. Be wary of trying to escape from doing the work itself though.

One significant risk of using drugs for frequent escape is that it can become a version of slow suicide, all the way till you’ve escaping your body through death. Spiritually I like to hold the view that there’s really no escape there because you’ll simply carry those problems with your afterwards. It’s easier to work through them while you’re here.

You may find it beneficial to use drugs for occasional escape, such that you’re better able to do the work of being human. This is another situation where the standard of appreciation can help. Ask yourself if you’d likely appreciate a brief escape. I especially like to ask if my future self would appreciate it. That gives me a pretty clear answer as to what my best thinking has to say about the option.

Performance

One interesting use of drugs is to enhance mental and/or physical performance. Caffeine, Adderall, and steroids come to mind here.

In this context consider whether the drug will be used only occasionally to yield a long-term performance boost afterwards, such as with psychedelics, or it it must be taken regularly to provide those benefits. The latter situation generally entails more risk, including the risk of addiction and other side effects that may worsen the longer you consume the drug.

Last month I learned that psychedelics have been used by athletes for this purpose. Psychedelics don’t really help with physical performance, and if they did they’d likely be banned in many pro sports. However, psychedelics can help with improving emotions that affect performance, such as by creating a stronger sense of teamwork, and they can also help with pain in some situations. NFL quarterback Aaron Rodgers is one such athlete who used psychedelics in a sports context. I saw him speak about it at the Psychedelic Science 2023 conference a few weeks ago.

If you take any drugs for performance reasons, I also recommend going drug-free for some extended time periods (ideally for at least a month or two each year) in order to reset your baseline. This can actually make the drug more effective if and when you start taking it again.

One thing I like about psychedelics is their potential to offer a long-term mental or emotional upgrade even from taking the drug only once (if the dosage is high enough). Their relative safety makes this an interesting bet to make. I particularly loved hearing John Mackay’s story at the PS2023 conference, where he shared how taking LSD had a profound effect on him, which eventually led to the founding of Whole Foods. He acknowledged that Whole Foods wouldn’t exist if not for his taking LSD. It’s fascinating how a very small amount of certain substances can unlock a whole lot of performance in some people.

Addiction and Dependency

Addiction and dependency are common aspects of people’s relationships with drugs. Although this is usually not due to conscious choice, it can be, such as when someone willingly starts consuming a substance they know from prior experience will almost certainly re-habitualize them, and they choose to do so anyway.

Because addiction and dependency can cause serious problems with some substances, including to your health, finances, and the well-being of others, it’s wise to do your homework first and research a new substance to learn about its effects, history, and likelihood of addiction. Look to your family history of drug use since that’s a good predictor as well. My family doesn’t have a history of alcohol addiction that I’m aware of, but I know that one distant relative died from cancer due to smoking, and I see that caffeine dependency is common in my family. The biggest addiction I see in my family tree is religion, so I feel fortunate to have shed that one during my teenage years, preferring to maintain an abstinent relationship afterwards.

I don’t consider dependency to be a binary state but rather a continuum. I think an interesting way to gauge your level of attachment is when you consider going a year without a particular substance. What’s your inner reaction to that?

Could you go a year with zero caffeine, including no coffee, caffeinated tea, or chocolate? If you feel significant internal resistance to that, I’d say you have some level of dependency there. I recognize this in myself too. I can do a year stimulant-free and have done so many times before, but when I’m drinking coffee regularly, I also recognize that part of me will emotionally resist that idea.

What about cannabis? Could you do a year pot-free? With that question I get zero resistance – that would be a breeze. The last time I smoked pot was in 2013, so I’ve already gone a decade without it. I think I’m pretty safe in claiming dependency-free status there. I know plenty of people who’d react with strong resistance to the suggestion of taking a year off though.

I think there’s more subtlety to dependency than this though. You might want to continue exploring your relationship with a substance but not feel physiologically addicted to it. It can be tricky to assess the difference, but pay attention to which part of you the objection is coming from when you consider taking a year off. How needy does that objecting part feel? Also consider why you’re taking the substance.

I do think it’s more likely to point to some level of dependence if you’re consuming a substance for pleasure or escape, and when you consider taking a year off, the objection feels clingy and emotional, as if you’d be deprived of a basic need. Contrast this with having a mild sense of disappointment regarding missing out on the growth and transformation benefits if you abstain for a lengthy period of time – having more of a modest “Ah that would be a shame to abstain” feeling. Presently I get that sort of feeling when I think about taking a year off of psychedelics. The part of me that objects doesn’t feel needy or clingy. The objection feels like it’s coming from a more rational part of me that thinks I might miss out on some really interesting growth lessons and potential transformative gains if I put this exploration on pause for that long.

Another way to tell if you’re dependent or addicted is to stop all consumption for a while and see how your body reacts. If you get withdrawal symptoms, that’s a good sign you’ve developed a dependency, and your physiology needs time to adapt to life without the substance.

Lots of humans are long-term drug addicts in the physiological sense, especially with caffeine, cigarettes, alcohol, and various pharmaceuticals. I think the important factor here is to be honest, and to really assess your relationship with an addictive substance, it’s important to reflect upon your relationship from both sides – when you’re consuming it and when you’re not. Then compare notes.

A good way to do this is to journal about your relationship with the substance, sometimes while you’re consuming it and sometimes while you aren’t. Then read those entries back, again both while you’re consuming and while you aren’t. This will help you develop a broader perspective.

I did this with caffeine and found that I have a relatively positive relationship with it when I haven’t been consuming it continuously for too long. But if I have it daily for several months at a stretch, that relationship predictably sours, and then I feel much better switching to caffeine-free abstinence for a while.

To make this assessment of course requires that you take some time off from a substance. You can use this method in a broader sense too, especially when facing tricky decisions. For instance, how do you feel about your work when you’re at work and when you’re at home? Write journal entries about it at work and at home, and read them back in those different environments to compare. This will give you a more balanced perspective.

Shame, Fear, Guilt, and Regret

Negative emotions can become a part of people’s relationships with drugs for a variety of reasons. The illegality of many substances can be an issue, especially if you run into legal problems. Another issue can be the impact on your finances if you’re spending a lot of money on drugs or if drug use is negatively impacting your finances or income. More issues can arise if you’re worried about or subjected to judgmental attitudes from others. And there can be impacts to your work life as well, such as the risk of losing your job if your employer learned about your drug use.

If you have negative emotions wrapped into your relationship with any substances, there’s always the invitation to sort those out and decide what’s really true for you. See if you can separate the truth aspect of your relationship (i.e. the facts) from the interpretation that you and others may be layering on top of it (i.e. the assignment of meaning). Even as the facts may continue unchanged, you always have the power to alter the assignment of meaning.

I grew up being conditioned to layer a very negative – and highly irrational – assignment of meaning to drugs. It took a while to re-educate myself and teach my brain more truth, a process which is still ongoing. I found it important to be more flexible and open-minded regarding the assignment of meaning regarding drug consumption because that largely determines how I feel about it. I want to assign meanings that aligns with rationality, not with someone’s manipulative agendas.

I see no point in assigning meaning that generates negative emotions like shame, guilt, fear, and regret. Those assignments of meaning often trace back to someone else trying to encourage those emotions as leverage for control. Once you see that, it’s easier to dump those frames, which restores your own freedom to choose a more intelligent meaning.

For instance, are you a bad person or a derelict if you use drugs? Who wants you to feel that way? Whom does that framing serve? Yup, someone who wants to control your behavior. Do you want to be controlled?

What if you’ve made some big mistakes with drugs and got into some major trouble with them? You can still let the facts be the facts. There’s no need to feel bad about that. We humans make lots of mistakes. It makes more sense to own that. Shaming ourselves about it doesn’t actually help, so we can simply skip that part.

I prefer to frame mistakes as lessons and give myself room to make mistakes without beating myself up about it. It’s all part of the learning process. Drug-related mistakes can actually provide many benefits, such as turning into humorous stories when retold, which can lead to more intimacy and connection with people. I often love hearing stories about people’s worst drug-related experiences because when enough time passes, they tend to reflect back on such times with a sense of humor and hard-won wisdom, and we can connect over the sheer craziness of it all.

Also consider that if you use shame and guilt on other people, that’s going to affect your relationships with them, and you’re likely to hear less truth from them in return. If you’re doing this with anyone, also consider whether its a manipulative control strategy, and take a deeper look at whether that’s the kind of person you really want to be. Trying to make someone feel bad about themselves is very different than setting, communicating, and maintaining clear boundaries for yourself, your home, etc. You can maintain the boundaries you need without needing to manipulate anyone emotionally.

Ownership and Responsibility

For various reasons there can be a lot of denial regarding drug use. I want to distinguish this from keeping secrets, which you may be doing for very rational reasons, such as to prevent potential harm, legal jeopardy, or loss for yourself and others. Or you may prefer to avoid having to hear other people’s judgments, especially if you don’t find them helpful or productive.

I think one of the healthiest ways to relate to drugs is with ownership and responsibility. If you’re doing any sort of drugs, remember that you’re the one making that decision, so you might as well own it. If things have gotten out of control or if you’ve become addicted, you might as well own that too.

Where does your relationship with drugs exist? It’s all in your mind. The way you think and feel about that relationship is the relationship. Regardless of how much control you think you have, the responsibility for that relationship rests with you because you’re the one who has to deal with it.

Keep your hand on the wheel of responsibility. This includes being responsible for your feelings. If you don’t like the emotions that are bubbling up within you, you can invest in changing them as well. This won’t necessarily be easy, but it’s easier than dropping into helplessness.

I do a lot of self-development exploration, and I’ve so often seen how important is to fully own what I’m exploring, even if I’m relatively new to it and don’t really know what I’m doing yet. With any new exploration, there’s that bumbling beginner phase. I found it best to own my right to explore well beyond my current competencies. That’s how I learn and grow. It makes no sense to stick to what I know for sure because then I’ll stop growing. I’ll have more to offer and share with the world if I keep learning and exploring, and there’s value in sharing during the beginner phase as well.

I found that other people’s judgments were much worse when I wasn’t fully owning this aspect of my life, as if for some reason I needed to apologize for wanting to stretch myself. Some people also held the ridiculous notion that I was obligated to satisfy their expectations of me and that if I didn’t, they had to nudge me back in line. I quickly learned to enforce a stronger boundary there and to make it clear that I didn’t consent to suffering fools who’d object with harsh judgments whenever I got into something new. That worked very well, and it seems like I did a very good job of shedding those types of people a long time ago. It was a good kind of purge.

How many people have expressed objection to my exploration of psychedelics this year? I’m pretty sure it’s zero; at least I don’t recall anyone doing so. That isn’t because psychedelics aren’t controversial. I’m convinced it’s because I fully own this exploration. Holographically speaking, this is yet another pointer to the importance of having strong intentionality, similar to what happens during a psychedelic journey.

I say that if you’re going to consciously explore drugs, do your best to fully own it. Pre-decide what you’ll share about your explorations and whom you’ll share it with. And declare a boundary that you needn’t deal with anyone’s irrational judgments or attempts to emotionally manipulate you.

Recognize too that a lot of very smart, creative, high-contributing people have consumed various drugs during their lives. Many credit such experiences as major turning points.

Rebellion

One last relationship you can have with drugs that I’ll mention is that of rebellion. This probably won’t be part of your relationship with coffee or chocolate, but it could show up in your relationships with other drugs if there’s a part of you that wants to use them to thumb your nose at society or authority.

Exploring drugs can indeed serve as a way to assert your independence and slough off other people’s attempts to control or manipulate you. This is a phase that many people go through, and it can be a very positive step forward.

I do recommend that if this is part of your relationship with drugs, make it a temporary one. The problem with rebellion is that it’s a reactive type of relationship. Initially it can help you become more free, but if you stick with the rebel framing for too long, it actually makes you less free. Rebels need something to rebel against, and you may eventually want to relate to drugs in a more flexible way, without needing anything pushing against you.

When maintained for too long, the rebel posture can influence you to do drugs in less purposeful ways, such as when you don’t really want to be doing them. It may also encourage you to explore substances that don’t offer much long-term promise yet have major downsides, such as cigarettes.

Feel free to drive through the rebel tunnel, but don’t park inside it, lest the fumes consume you.

* * *

I applaud your endurance if you’ve read this far, and I hope this helped you reflect upon your relationship with drugs with more conscientiousness. We covered many different ways of relating to drugs, but this isn’t an exhaustive list by any means. How you relate to drugs can be complex, and you have many options for exploring these relationships throughout your lifetime.

One way of framing this challenge is to discover what modes of relating to drugs you appreciate most. For some that may be a form of abstinence. Others might prefer to dabble here and there. And still others may find value in deeper explorations. As you continue to learn and grow, your relationships with various drugs may evolve as well.

At this time in my life, I feel aligned with an attitude of curious yet cautious exploration with thoughtful intentionality. An especially rewarding aspect is how this pursuit has deepened my sense of connectedness and intimacy with people and with reality. I feel more present to the social aspects of life, and I feel more sensitive to the signals of intuition and inspiration. ❤️

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My Most Intense Psychedelic Journey So Far

I blocked off Friday evening for another magic mushroom journey. For the two experiences last month, I used about 1.5g of dried mushrooms each time. This time I opted to take 4.2g, eating the dried mushrooms plain, starting at 5pm. I trust my intuition regarding how much to take, figuring this much could invite a fairly intense experience. It was actually super intense, way beyond what I experienced with ayahuasca and my two prior mushroom trips.

It really started kicking in after about 40 minutes. I put on an eye mask and laid back on the couch while listening to music. It flowed nicely at first with lots of red-orange visuals and a lovely vibe of opening up the flow of communication. Then it began to get really intense around 90 minutes in, and it stayed very intense for several more hours.

In this post I’m going to share about the experience and the insights with a thematic organization, so it makes more sense for you when reading it. This means I’m jumping around a lot in time relative to the flow of the actual experience to focus on one theme at a time. The actual experience was multi-layered with many aspects happening simultaneously.

Incredible Time Dilation

The journey took nine hours from start to finish but felt way longer. The time dilation was extraordinary. At some points it seemed like it took ridiculously long for the clock to advance just one minute. I remember seeing that it was exactly 10:00, then I’d float into more processing for a long stretch, and when I came to and looked at my watch again, it was still 10:00. So crazy! I remember that the 10 minutes from 10:00 to 10:10 felt like an eternity, like midnight must be years or even centuries away.

I knew that time dilation was common with psychedelics, but I didn’t expect it to be so extreme. It felt reassuring when the flow of time very gradually increased again, but it still wasn’t entirely back to normal when I went to bed a bit after 2am.

A Cosmic Roller Coaster Ride

I remember swearing aloud a lot during the experience from the intensity of it. It wasn’t so much emotionally or mentally intense. It was energetically and spiritually intense, like my energy matrix was being pulled and stretched and recoded from the inside. I kept drifting from an awareness of the physical world back into some state that felt like an absence of spacetime. Part of me actually liked that though.

Emotionally I didn’t feel fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, regret, or anything along those lines. It was like the sensation of being on a crazy long energetic roller coaster where you can’t predict the turns or dips very far in advance, and you just have to ride it out.

This particular rollercoaster crossed through multiple dimensions of existence. Some stretches of track went through the physical plane, some through dream-like visions and intense visuals, some through completely different dimensions of existence. Some parts were faster, some slower. And it felt like I was riding this coaster for a really long time, at least for hours if not days.

Physically that was very disorienting… so much dizziness and nausea. The worst part was the nausea, which stayed with me through around half of the experience. I kept trying to purge now and then, even putting my finger in the back of my throat several times to try to make myself vomit over a trash can, figuring I’d feel better afterwards. I gagged a bit but couldn’t release anything other than saliva. Even while trying to purge, I kept losing awareness of my body when the roller coaster ride would flow back into some other dimension of existence. It was like trying to purge while actively riding a rollercoaster – very difficult while the ride is still in motion and the physical sensations kept shifting. My physical body felt like it was in a state of confusion for much of this journey.

Sometimes I had to really focus hard to stay present to the physical world for a bit, like if I wanted to communicate something to Rachelle, and I couldn’t stay present to it for very long at a stretch.

Manifesting Water

I remember being very thirsty at one point and trying to remember how to get to the water. I had a glass of water on the couch arm’s cupholder behind me, but I wasn’t sure if it still existed when I couldn’t see it. My sense of spatial orientation kept shifting around, and I couldn’t tell if the water and I were in the same dimension sometimes. The physical universe was shifting around so much that it was like being in a Doctor Strange movie where objects and their relative positions are shifting around, so I can never really be too sure of where anything is.

It was like the uncertainty principle was on overdrive, like the water existed and didn’t exist at the same time, and when it did exist, its position was a field of possibilities, but it wasn’t required to be locked down into any position, perhaps because no one was looking at it in that moment. I didn’t have good control of my body at the time, so I couldn’t easily turn around to make the water appear.

Eventually I remembered that Rachelle was nearby and that she was probably in the same dimension as the water and might have an easier time accessing it. She wasn’t taking any substances (other than a salad) and helped me a lot through the experience. So I asked her if she could help by giving me the water glass – sometimes it was difficult to speak, but I got the words out and felt relieved when she acknowledged. It was amazing how easily she reached behind me and brought me the water glass, which felt like she was bringing it into my dimension, or maybe she was instantiating the water for me. Then I was able to drink some and hand the glass back to her. I think at that point the water went back into uncertainty or uninstantiated mode, like the idea of its existence was still there, but it was no longer physically present.

Just as I experienced some spatial disorientation, I had some time disorientation too, in addition to the time dilation. I remember feeling confused regarding what was past, present, and future while I was going through it. Sometimes I felt like I might be looping a bit, but then I focused on the music, which helped remind me that time was still advancing in a forward direction with the beats of the music.

Spiritual Decluttering

There were so many different phases of this experience. I could probably fill several books from the post-experiential insights that come from further reflection. My current understanding is that what I went through was like an energetic or spiritual decluttering, similar to when I cleaned out my garage a few summers ago. There was no one main lesson to really understand or learn during this trip. It wasn’t a teaching session per se. And it wasn’t about healing. It was like I was cleaning up and refactoring old legacy code in my software.

The sensation of letting go and releasing what was no longer needed was a huge part of the experience. For much of it, I even felt like I was letting go and releasing energies on behalf of humanity or maybe from some other parts of the matrix, but in a way that didn’t feel like it was personal to my current human life. It wasn’t really about clearing out old memories or my personal past, although there was a small amount of that sensation present too. It felt more like cleaning out a multi-dimensional garage.

I even remember saying aloud things like, “Just let it all go,” and “Take it all away.” But most of the time I wasn’t aware of what “it” was that was being let go.

Occasionally, especially near the final hours, I became aware of invitations to do more specific processing that I could consciously understand, like releasing old energies from my first marriage. But mostly it was just a jumble of processing happening in ways that didn’t link to specific thoughts, feelings, or memories. The roller coaster mostly went through unfamiliar territory.

As I reflected on it afterwards, I sensed that the reason I couldn’t purge during the experience was that I wasn’t removing or eliminating. I was letting go of misaligned energy patterns but not the energy itself. So I wasn’t really shedding anything in the sense of getting rid of it. These old energy patterns were being reprocessed, recycled, repurposed, reorganized, reconfigured, etc. I sensed that the prolonged nausea was what the body experienced from the cleanup process, similar to how one might sneeze a bunch while cleaning out dusty items in a garage or how your body might create different physical sensations on a roller coaster ride. It was just part of the process, and all I could do was allow the body to have its reaction.

Holographic Reality

A bit later in the experience, I felt very in tune with the holographic nature of reality. I saw everything as being connected energetically, like everything we experience in life was layered on top of deeper layers, but all the layers were actually different representations of the same reality, just viewed from different angles. What happens in “real life” is the same as what happens in fiction, for instance. All that we experiences as humans is intricately linked together. Whether we go to work or watch a movie, we’re still experiencing the same underlying reality, just from different vantage points. We can have meaningful experiences through any kind of interface – through science, through fiction, or through science fiction – it’s all the same underneath anyway. It just that different interfaces filter the underlying reality so as to emphasize some features while downplaying others, causing us to notice more of some aspects and less of others. Hence using multiple interfaces can help us gain more info regarding the underlying reality. I.e. go to work and watch a movie too, and then seek to connect the dots between them because they really are connected.

I even saw how the Legend of Zelda games were an analogy for different aspects of our human lives, giving people the opportunity to explore their relationship with darkness and evil. I sensed that the design team actually knew this and deliberately made those games to serve humanity in this way… so we could do things like explore violence and heroism in ways that more people would find acceptable.

At one point I invited Rachelle to help me send love energy to Ganon (the bad guy in the Zelda games), knowing that the fictional character was a holographic projection of how humanity relates to its dark side. She laughed but agreed to go along with it. I knew it was fiction, but I also knew that energetically, it was also real… like how the Force from Star Wars is both fiction and a pointer to something real at the same time.

This insight resonates because when I was younger, I was inspired by Star Trek: The Next Generation to live my life somewhat like the characters on the show. No one had a regular job working to pay their bills, so I haven’t had a job in 30+ years. The inspiring invitation was to focus on doing interesting work, be an explorer, delve into meaningful relationships, be of service to humanity, stay aligned with your deepest values, and always choose to work on what feels purposeful and meaningful. Live like there’s no such thing as money because money just isn’t very important, and it’s silly to focus on it so much. Getting a job is fine but also unnecessary because the universe is so abundant and can create whatever we need. We just have to recognize the truth of that. We make it real by deciding to make it real.

It’s important for us to pay attention to inspiration wherever it comes from. Does it matter that I was inspired by a fictional world to live my life a certain way? No – because it’s all the same underlying reality as what we learn on the nonfiction side. Those same lessons could have come from anywhere.

Allowing Space for Evil While Retaining Freedom

I also realized that evil needs to win sometimes because it’s an important part of the experience of exploring evil. If evil could never have a victory, that wouldn’t be very fair, and no one would want to explore that aspect of reality. Reality isn’t so judgmental about it because it gets to explore evil from many different angles. Evil needs a chance to sometimes win in order for enough energy to be able to flow into exploring it. That perspective made me feel more compassionately towards what I might consider to be evil.

One reason we have so much fictional evil, such as in video games and movies, is so we can explore and experience a lot more of it without destabilizing the rest of our experiential reality. If someone goes too far in exploring evil to the point where everyone is enslaved or killed, it ruins the reality and goes against its purpose, so there are mechanisms in this dimension to prevent that from happening.

By creating sims within the Sim (like games, VR, movies, books, etc), we can explore evil pretty well while also retaining the freedom to explore lots of other aspects of life. This simulation is designed to retain a lot of freedom, not necessarily on an individual level – people can still end up in prison, for instance – but on a more macro scale, so all of humanity doesn’t end up in prison or equivalent.

Staying Energetically Grounded

When I was really in the thick of it and I felt like time was barely advancing, I kept reminding myself aloud, “This is temporary.” That was a tip I had read somewhere, and I must say that it was helpful. It helped me stay in a place of surrender, not panic, and just let it play out.

I also kept asking Rachelle along the way to send love energy, telling her that it helps. When she’d do so, I’d immediately notice the visuals shifting to become brighter and more red-orange-yellow.

I also kept reminding myself to stay connected to the vibe of love energy. Sometimes I’d say the word “love” aloud, even several times in a row. It’s hard to remember exactly if I did that, but Rachelle confirmed afterwards that I kept saying, “love, love, love” during part of the experience. I think I said those words as instructional reminders to myself… but with the emotional emphasis of swear words.

I didn’t feel like I needed to be physically grounded – I was okay floating through the cosmos and seeing intense visuals – but I really wanted to stay tethered to the vibe of love energy as much as possible. I think that helped. Love energy was like my seat and harness on the roller coaster ride, keeping me feeling existentially safe despite all the physical disorientation.

At no point during the experience did I feel threatened or like I was going to die. I knew I’d be okay. Sometimes I’d even reassure Rachelle that I was okay but that it was just REALLY intense. It was like being on a fast-moving ride but not really fearing for one’s life. I didn’t want her to worry. I really appreciate that she’s so good at keeping her vibe up while I’m going through these experiences – I sense that’s really important, especially when she’s in the same room with me.

I think this connects with why I didn’t usually like being in the room with everyone else at Rythmia in Costa Rica during the ayahuasca ceremonies I did there in 2019. I preferred to be outside on the grass for much of the experience. The energy of the open sky and the stars felt way better than the chaotic energy of 40 people all in the same room together. Even though they encouraged us to remain inside together, I think maybe that was more for their own monitoring convenience.

The Downslope

My favorite part was the final few hours where Rachelle and I cuddled on the couch together while doing more processing, some of it together. By that point the nausea finally began to subside. Being in cuddle-space felt so delightful and comforting, and the remaining time was a lot more gentle. I really love the downslope of these experiences, like when the roller coaster is finally pulling into the station at the end (even if it still takes hours to actually get there). I felt exhilarated and happy – and reassured to see the station within sight. I felt relieved to have finally made it through the really intense part, but I also wanted to hang with the energy of the experience longer to see what insights or further processing might come up. The downslope is the easy part of the ride.

A bit after midnight when I thought the experience was winding down, and I felt ready to nudge it to a close, I took some Liver Rescue (an herbal liver detoxifier) and ate a small amount of blueberries. I figured that would help my body process out the remaining psilocybin.

But no. I don’t know how, but that actually seemed to have the opposite effect, as if those blueberries also contained psilocybin. Within minutes I felt a fresh wave ramping up again. I felt like I was phasing back into psychedelic space again, and the visuals came back and then increased in intensity. This one wasn’t nearly as strong as the earlier waves, but I had to ride through another round of the experience. This part involved more mental and emotional processing that was more clearly personal, linked to various memories and aspects of my life. That was fine though. I was a little tired but still had sufficient energy to keep going, so even though I was surprised, I welcomed it and relaxed into it, mostly while sitting next to or cuddling with Rachelle. Sometimes I flowed with the experience silently, and sometimes I talked with her about it as I went through it.

I spent the final 30 minutes taking notes about the experience, even while I was still having some lingering effects, so I could remember many of the details later. I wanted to capture as many of the key details and insights as possible. After I went to bed, I could tell I was still doing more processing all through the night but mostly subconsciously. I had such strange dreams.

The next morning I spent another hour writing down more notes, and again the next day too. Writing this blog post helped me process more layers of the experience too.

The Physical Challenge

My intention for this journey was very simple – just four words: deep, gentle, loving, light. It was definitely deep, loving, and light. I don’t know about the gentle part, but perhaps it was as gentle as it could have been relative to the processing that was happening.

I feel like my mind, heart, and spirit all feel pretty well-aligned with exploring psychedelic space and don’t offer any serious resistance to it. I think those aspects of me actually like it. My physical body is another story though.

The hardest part of these explorations has been the physical sensations, especially nausea and dizziness. I don’t mind purging, especially if it helps me feel better afterwards, but I’m not super keen on enduring hours of nausea. So I’m wondering if there’s a solution to that and if there’s someway I could have better psychedelic experiences physically.

I’m amazed that many people are able to lie down and physically relax through these kinds of experiences. I can only do that during the beginning and during the downslope but not during the most intense part. I have to sit up since even the thought of lying down during that part makes me feel dizzy and super nauseous. I can keep my eyes closed for most of the journey, but my body feels much better staying upright.

For much of this experience, I was even sitting on the floor, not feeling like I could even get back up onto the couch.

I’m starting to wonder about my body’s relationship with psychedelic space, like maybe asking or intending the substances to be gentle with the body isn’t quite the right type of intention to hold. That framing seemed like it helped in the past, but I’m not sure if it helped this time. I feel like the issue may not be with the substances but rather with my body’s willingness to cooperate.

When I tune in to my body, the message I get in response is more like a FOMO feeling (fear of missing out). Instead of trying to relax my body to the point of zoning out physically and going fully into a mental, emotional, and spiritual space, I think my body wants to come along for the ride somehow and that it senses there’s a better way to do that. It feels partly like my body wants to join in the fun. It doesn’t want to be regarded as a burdensome physical tether that I must temporally leave behind. I think it wants me to find a more inclusive framing, so it can still ride with me.

So I’m wondering about other ways to explore psychedelics that would invite my body to be more cooperative. Maybe I could try incorporating movement like dancing or walking in nature. I don’t see how I could have done that during the intense parts of this journey without becoming too dizzy, but I could try that with a lower dosage. I think maybe my body is trying to point me in a direction I wouldn’t have otherwise considered if it wasn’t putting up such a fuss, like it’s doing that to get my attention and invite me to consider more alternatives.

My body feels calmer when I’m touching Rachelle too – it really likes her presence. So I know my body likes having touch as part of the experience. What else does it want though?

This is definitely one aspect I’d love to figure out, so if anyone with experience in this area has some advice or insights to offer, I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to send me a message via my contact form.

I get the impression that instead of trying to completely tune out from the physical, I can explore in such a way that the physical remains part of the experience without sacrificing the other aspects of the exploration. I think it may be the wrong framing for me to have assumed that the physical aspect needs to get out of the way, so the other frequencies can come through more prominently. I really don’t think this is an issue of my body fearing death or anything like that, so the “fear” aspect of FOMO isn’t really accurate here. I think it’s more that my body desires and senses that it can be more integrated into psychedelic journeys. This isn’t what I expected, but on some level it does seem reasonable to me.

Now I’m wondering if I can invite the physical aspects to be part of the journey together yet still go really deep. If this physical reality is all holographic anyway, why not?

I think I’ll ask about this aspect at Tuesday night’s local psychedelic integration circle since there are some very experienced people there who may have an interesting perspective on this.

Life Purpose

Near the end of the experience, I also asked about my life purpose. I’ve felt pretty well connected to that for a long time now, but I was curious to see if anything new or different would come through. It was mostly a confirmation of what I already knew – in the form of two words but with an interesting emphasis in the second part that really resonated.

The first word was lightbringer. The meaning that came through was that I’m here to shine a light on different aspects of life and existence. Basically just keep sharing honestly about this human experience, especially in areas where other people aren’t sharing in as much detail. So keep right on exploring and sharing because that’s why I’m here. Don’t hold back in telling it like it is. It’s a simple and straightforward purpose – and very flexible. I definitely feel this suits me well. This confirms why I feel so at home with the work I do and the lifestyle I enjoy.

The second word was intensity. The message here was that it’s actually a key part of my purpose to bring the intensity and not to hold back. I was shown that when I get into new social groups, it’s totally fine to share my intense side from the beginning. I don’t need to build up to that so much. Yes, it will occasionally bother some people, but it’s also very authentic for me to be in the space of intensity, and I might be doing other people a disservice by trying to tone that down too much. I can still be compassionate and intense at the same time, and it’s more purposeful for me to keep the intensity up when that feels aligned to me. This part resonated since I do seem to feel right at home when having intense experiences. There’s a part of me that just loves intensity. It’s like my soul’s favorite coffee. I also don’t feel turned off or resistant to other people having intense experiences in my presence – it doesn’t make me uncomfortable if people are crying or sobbing or doing intense emotional processing. Even if people get mad at me, I willingly receive that too. I tend to find such experiences beautiful because that’s when people are being very real, vulnerable, and intimate. This part really landed with me, and I want to take more time to reflect upon it further. I knew I liked intensity, but I don’t recall thinking about it as being part of my life purpose before.

This intensity thread flows through so many aspects of my life – shoplifting when I was a teenager, going through college in three semesters, playing lots of computer games, running my own businesses for 30+ years, martial arts training, open relationships, D/s, travel, subjective reality explorations, public speaking, coaching, building communities, 30-day challenges, and of course exploring psychedelics. Somehow the space of intensity is like my natural resting point. It feels like my home base. I know that intuitively, but being in this reality can make that a hard thing to accept sometimes since so many people in this world exude fear, anxiety, and stress over experiences that I innately find pleasurable and comforting. The kinds of experiences that stress some people out just don’t have that effect on me.

I feel like it’s going to take me weeks to continue processing this experience, maybe longer, and that a lot more realizations (perhaps the best ones) will come through the unfolding integration process, not from the direct experience itself. What I shared here was just a small fraction of what the overall experience was like. It was incredibly dense, perhaps because reality cheated by slowing the flow of time so it could pack more in.

I’m glad I got this in before our upcoming UK trip. I feel like it’s just perfect timing-wise to go travel for a few weeks, including hanging out with my TLC friends. That feels like exactly the right kind of flow to invite next. I sense that this psychedelic journey may have helped me clean out some old patterns, so I can be even more open to new experiences, adventures, and connections on this trip.

Those little shrooms really pack a punch! :mushroom:

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Activation and Suppression: A New 60-Day Challenge

Recently I had a delightful three-hour Zoom conversation with a friend, mostly about psychedelics. One key insight – very applicable outside of psychedelics – was realizing how important it is to be cognizant of our inner suppression circuitry and to challenge it, question it, and sometimes bypass it. Lots of ideas that we generate each day are decent and workable, but our brains internally reject or dismiss them.

Think of this as the default mode network (your everyday way of thinking) defending its equilibrium. It tries to maintain the status quo, such that your future expectations are projected forward as relatively predictable extensions of your past. So you largely keep doing what you’ve been doing. And consequently, your results will fall within a certain range of predictability as well.

This keeps your life fairly stable, but it’s also limiting, holding you back from turning in different directions or powerfully pursuing stretch goals that would disrupt your old status quo.

What if your default mode network is keeping you broke? Or depressed? Or anxious? Or lonely? Or addicted? It doesn’t always work as we’d like. Stability can be nice for some, but many people really struggle with their brain’s current default mode.

Knowing that your default mode network will defend your status quo is empowering because then you can be on the lookout for its defenses kicking in, and this creates opportunities to consciously bypass them. You can use other parts of your brain to challenge the default mode network, nudging your thoughts, feelings, and actions down different pathways.

Psychedelics can help us see that more options are viable, and such substances can even rewire the default mode network, but we can also consciously strive to catch these suppressions as they arise. Note the inner objections that arise when you consider certain ideas, and lean towards implementing those ideas anyway. Be a bit like Jim Carrey’s character in the Yes Man movie, at least when you’re considering new actions that your default mode network would otherwise object to. The article Embrace the New goes into more detail on leaning into new experiences.

We don’t necessarily need more or better ideas to open up a tremendous world of abundance and possibility. We just need to suppress fewer ideas and allow more of them to flow into action and exploration. We can consciously develop more neural flexibility by becoming aware of how the default mode network operates and by challenging and redirecting some of its decisions. Deliberately override some of those default choices.

When I think about blogging about psychedelics and openly sharing what I’m learning from these explorations, I can feel my suppression circuitry objecting because this is a relatively recent exploration that’s been ramping up for me, so my default mode network isn’t fully on board with it. Internally it still generates thoughts like these:

  • Your audience isn’t a match for this kind of content.
  • Writing about this will scare people away.
  • It’s too early; maybe wait a few years till the current psychedelics wave has grown more prominent, so more people are already into it.
  • You’re not a psychedelics coach or therapist, so why are you sharing about this?
  • Why not write about some safer vanilla topics instead?
  • You could just keep this exploration to yourself .
  • And so on…

This reminded me of how useful my 30-day challenge of generating 100 ideas per day was, back in the Fall of 2021. I became more aware of how many ideas my mind quickly rejects and how it rejects them. During that challenge I ended up implementing some of those previously rejected ideas, and they worked very well. Some were financially lucrative too.

In general I’ve benefitted greatly by challenging my default mode network repeatedly, even to the point where I’ve trained it to be more cooperative and flexible over time. For instance, by thinking of myself as an explorer, including asking questions like, “What would a personal growth explorer do here?” I got this frame pretty well embedded into my default way of thinking about life and work. I consider this superior to thinking of myself primarily as a blogger, writer, speaker, coach, etc. because the explorer frame is way more flexible. It gives me more freedom to have new experiences, and it actually fuels other aspects of my work, such as by always giving me fresh experiences from which to derive and share insights.

I’m also reminded of how easy it is to see opportunity blindness in other people and hard to see it in ourselves. You’re probably surrounded by accessible opportunities each day, yet you talk yourself out of them constantly, or your subconscious mind blocks them from even bubbling up to your conscious awareness. Especially notice the ideas that have been resurfacing now and then for years, and you keep dismissing them. What if you did the opposite for a change?

How easy is it for you to quickly act upon new ideas? If a divergent new possibility or invitation comes onto your radar, can you get yourself to explore it with ease? I like having flexible neurology that lets me quickly explore something new and promising, not recklessly or randomly but intelligently. I can quickly assess whether it seems worth exploring without having my default mode network over-suppress.

For instance, I only learned about the Psychedelic Science 2023 conference’s existence a couple weeks before it happened, and I quickly signed up and went, including doing some touristy stuff in Denver too, a city which was new to me as well. In the past when I learned about a potentially interesting and relevant conference, my default mode network would have easily talked me out of it for being too far removed from my status quo. It would have raised immediately objections regarding the time, cost, scheduling, inconvenience, doubts about the benefits, etc.

I can see that many of my best ideas were ones that I had many years prior that kept resurfacing, until I finally loosened up on objecting to them and leaned into exploring them. Exploring psychedelics was just one of many that I suppressed for years with thoughts like “Well, I don’t even know where to get anything,” until I eventually stopped suppressing and began considering it rationally.

Suppression often seems rational but frequently isn’t. Typically the default mode network’s defenses are very thin, hinting that some deep thought went into them when in reality they’re usually superficial calculations with very little substance when you look beneath the surface.

A 60-Day Activation & Suppression Challenge

To help train my brain to be more even more flexible, I’ve decided to deliberately practice this conscious activation of otherwise suppressed ideas.

Yesterday I began a new 60-day challenge of identifying at least one suppressed idea each day and implementing it instead of suppressing it. Pick something that my default mode network is trying to talk me out of, and talk myself into it and do it instead. See what happens.

Some days this will involve catching my brain in the act of suppressing an idea, and I’ll un-suppress it and do it instead. If it’s complex or can’t be done right away, I’ll aim to take some action to advance it that same day. I’ll be traveling for three weeks during this time, so I’ll need some flexibility there, but this kind of challenge fits nicely with travel, encouraging more spontaneity and flexibility.

Other days I may brainstorm some ideas first, and then I’ll identify one where my default response is to dismiss the idea as bad, and I’ll advance it instead.

I like that this is fairly simple and action-oriented but also flexible. I think it will be pretty easy for me to know if I meet this standard each day. I just have to be able to end each day with one identifiable action I took that I’d have otherwise suppressed if I wasn’t doing this challenge.

A short while after making this commitment, I had the thought to add another spin to this challenge, which is to flip it around and also catch an idea that I’d normally advance by default each day, and suppress it instead. So each day for 60 days, I will:

  1. Advance one suppressed-by-default idea.
  2. Suppress one activated-by-default idea.

This seems like a great way to practice consciously challenging and redirecting my default mode network, ideally training it to be more flexible.

Doing one of each is the minimum to check off each day, but I’ll likely do more than one of each per day.

I only began yesterday, so I’m just getting started, but I’m already noticing that this is making me more aware of how my default mode network is working. I’m noticing when ideas it allows to pass through by default versus ideas where it objects and quickly tries to suppress them, redirecting my thoughts and actions down a different pathway.

Wish me luck! 😀

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My First Two Magic Mushroom Journeys

At the end of our Denver trip for the Psychedelic Science 2023 conference (see my earlier full conference review if that interests you), I played a game at one of the afterparties and won a magic mushroom (shown below). It weighed about 3 grams. Magic mushrooms were decriminalized in Colorado last year, including for personal use and gifting but not for selling.

Shroom

Saturday Night

The afterparty only went till 1am, and it wasn’t the right setting for a deep mushroom journey. I thought about my intention for this little guy and decided that for my first experience, I just wanted to energetically shake hands with the mushroom space and not do anything too deep.

I’ve had psilocybin before during a journey last November with a group of friends, but it was in the form of chocolates mixed with ayahuasca, and we took a couple other substances as well for a layered effect, run by an experienced facilitator. So up to this point I hadn’t consumed magic mushrooms separately. I know I’ll have more opportunities to explore mushrooms, so I wanted to lean into it gently – not like my first psychedelic experience of doing ayahuasca ceremonies for four back-to-back nights in Costa Rica in 2019.

We only had two more nights in Denver before returning to Vegas, so I wanted to eat about half of the dried shroom one night and half the second night, as a way of leaning into it. I wanted to have a positive experience even if it would be fairly mild given the low dosage. I had done my homework first, so I had a relatively good sense of what range of effects to expect, or so I thought.

I decided to eat about a quarter of it first, roughly 0.75g, see if I noticed anything after an hour, and then have more if all seemed good, while still at the afterparty. I was surprised that it tasted good, almost like popcorn but with the texture of a dry cracker. I’d heard that some people didn’t like the taste of magic mushrooms, but that may depend on the variety. This one was pleasant enough that my taste buds would have had no complaints about eating more of them.

During that first hour I only noticed some mild giddiness, nothing special. So I ate another 0.75g. These weights are mainly guesses, but after eating the first piece, we found a scale at the afterparty, and I was able to weigh the remainder, which helped me estimate that the whole shroom must have been about 3g total.

In case you’re wondering, I did invite Rachelle to share it with me, but she passed. It wouldn’t have been a problem to procure plenty more shrooms at this party since there was a jar on a table filled with dried shrooms as well as magic mushroom chocolates (including some labeled vegan), which seemed to be free for the taking. Playing the game with the mushroom prize wasn’t really necessary – I just did it for fun. If I wanted a more intense experience by eating more shrooms, that would have been easily attained. However, I felt that splitting those 3g across two nights would be just perfect for the kind of intro to mushroom space that I was looking for, especially while traveling.

Shortly after I ate the second mushroom piece, we walked back to our hotel, which took about 30 minutes. I still didn’t notice a very strong effect other than feeling a bit happier. Rachelle said she could see a difference when she looked into my eyes though. I found it amusing when she kept staring at me to check. I had no trouble with balance or coordination while walking back.

We arrived at the hotel without incident, and now it was close to two hours since I ate the first piece. I could feel there was the potential to have a deeper experience but that I’d have to meet it halfway. So I lied down on the couch, put on some music with my headphones, closed my eyes, and went into a meditative space to see what I could experience internally.

That was delightful all throughout. I enjoyed some lovely psychedelic visuals and sensations, not super intense but still beautiful. They were similar to the ayahuasca visuals but gentler, more electric looking, and more peaceful. I felt this gentle feminine energy communicating with me in waves, with rising intensity followed by periods of lower intensity, each cycle lasting a few minutes.

I felt like the mushroom energy was mapping out how to communicate and connect with me inside my mind. There was a consciousness to it, which grew a bit stronger as we synched up. I found it very easy to relax and surrender to the flow of the experience.

It peaked around 1:30 AM, about three hours after I ate the first piece, and I eventually went to bed at 3:15. I slept really well and had some nice visuals extending into my dreams too.

I got what I wanted from this first experience – a gentle greeting and a mild but interesting inner journey. I would have appreciated a bit more intensity, but this was a really nice, low-risk beginner experience.

Sunday Night

The next night we didn’t have any parties to attend, so I opted to have the second experience in the hotel room all the way through. We had a suite, so Rachelle could go to bed if she wanted without my keeping her up. I also started earlier this time (around 9pm).

I decided to do something different this time and opted to make mushroom tea, using the remaining 1.5g of dried mushroom. I know that consuming it this way is supposed to have a faster onset and be a bit more intense. I didn’t know how much more intense though, and 1.5g is still a relatively modest amount.

I used my fingers to crumble the mushroom into small pieces in a cup. Then I used the hotel coffee maker to make some hot water. For extra flavor, I added a chamomile teabag (no caffeine). I didn’t have any lemon, so I couldn’t use the Lemon Tek method. The high acidity of lemon (or lime) juice breaks psilocybin into the psychoactive psilocin faster than stomach acid, which makes for a more intense journey.

I let the shroom tea steep for 15 minutes while journaling about my intentions for the experience. This time I wanted to go deeper and focus on some questions. After clarifying my intentions, I drank the tea, including swallowing all of the little mushroom bits. I figured that with only 1.5g, I might as well squeeze as much out of it as possible. Our flight home wasn’t till the afternoon the next day, so I had plenty of time.

I lied down on the couch with my headphones, listening to some relaxing music. I started with native flutes, and I soon realized I didn’t like the ones that had certain nature sounds like crickets or birds. For some reasons those sounds felt too creepy to me. I flipped over to a relaxing spa music playlist, which felt like a good vibe to begin with.

After the first 15 minutes, I noticed some mild tingling in my arms, and they felt a bit lighter, but the sensation was pretty mild. During the next 15 minutes, however, the intensity ramped up fast. I sat up, and it looked the floor was rolling in waves. I wasn’t feeling good in my body at all. It felt like being deeply dizzy but without the spinning sensation, like my energy matrix was destabilizing and being pulled in chaotic directions. Is there such as thing as spirit-level dizziness? That’s sort of how it felt.

The intensity of those sensations continued to climb during the next few minutes, from mildly nauseating to that “Oh I’m definitely going to throw up” feeling. Even while I’m typing this now, I feel like my body is relieving those sensations at lower intensity.

I got off the couch opened the bedroom door, saying to Rachelle something like, “I’m probably going to be throwing up in the bathroom now, but don’t worry. I’ll be okay.” – partly to reassure myself as well. Internally I was also wondering how long these unpleasant sensations would last. I wasn’t looking forward to hours more of this.

As I flung myself to the bathroom floor in front of the toilet, I felt super nauseous but also confused. I sensed something wanted to come out, but it also felt omnidirectional, like I needed to throw up in all spherical directions at once, while my body was trying to translate that to mean up, down, or both. At the conference I had just recently learned the term “double platinum” and was hoping I wasn’t about to have that experience.

Then in a really quick shift, I suddenly sensed that this confused swirling of energy had made a decision and that it was definitely going down, not up. I shifted onto the toilet seat and purged quickly, wondering if I’d soon have to flip back around. But no. That feeling of disorientation and nausea abated even faster than the onset. Within a few minutes, I no longer felt nauseous and was actually feeling pretty good, almost euphoric. I almost couldn’t believe how quickly the nausea left me.

The speed of these shifts surprised me, but I was glad to be feeling better physically. This was still well within the first hour, so I knew there was plenty more to experience.

I asked Rachelle to sit with me on the couch for a while. I still felt a bit disoriented and wanted her energy there with me, figuring she’d be a comforting presence. I sensed that if I tried to lie down and listen to music again, I’d feel too nauseous, so I wanted to stay upright for a while.

She was happy to sit with me, which led to a very interesting experience. We sat closely on the couch next to each other, arm in arm. When I had my eyes open, the carpet still looked a bit wavy, and I began noticing a facial pattern. It wasn’t really a face – the carpet was very splotchy looking – but I noted that my mind was pattern-matching different elements to eyes, a nose, a mouth, etc. Fortunately that wasn’t too disorienting. I had the thought that my brain’s pattern-matching circuitry was becoming more flexible.

When I closed my eyes, I saw beautiful, electric, colorful, animated visuals – about 3x brighter and more intense than the night before. I preferred keeping my eyes closed since it was more captivating to observe the visuals than to look at the slightly wobbling hotel room.

The most fascinating part of this experience was what I felt internally while in contact with Rachelle. I had figured she might help to keep me feeling physically grounded, but it was almost the opposite of that. While we were touching, the sensation of touching and the sense of having a body faded away. I could still access the connection to my body but only while focusing on it directly and only with enough intensity to remind me that my body was still present on the couch. It’s similar to sensations I’ve had during deep meditation, where my body is so relaxed that I lose the physical sensations of having a body. but I can still reach back and wiggle a finger if I want to reconnect with it.

As with the deep meditation experience, I felt very safe. My focus shifted to a sensation of being a purer form of energy. Instead of sensing Rachelle as a separate presence there, there was no distinction between her energy and mine. We were melded together in a single energy form.

It wasn’t like being connected to some kind of source energy per se. It was more personal than that. I had the recognition that my energy and Rachelle’s energy were the same energy and that we were always sharing it. We were really the same being at an energetic level.

What’s also interesting is that Rachelle was focused on sending me love energy while sitting with me. Afterwards that made me wonder what might have been different if she had held different intentions – that’s something I want to explore more in the months ahead.

I kept my eyes closed most of the time and also talked with Rachelle about what I was experiencing. Even during the physically disorienting onset period, I didn’t feel anxious or fearful. I checked my pulse on my Apple Watch numerous times along the way since I was curious about that. It normally hovered around 75 BPM while sitting on the couch. The highest I saw the whole night was 81. The lowest was 49 at one point while I was feeling very nauseous in that first hour. So my heart definitely wasn’t racing. Emotionally I was calm, but that 49 reading was very low for me, and it was only for a brief time while I was feeling sick.

Rachelle continued to sit with me for around two hours. I noticed that whenever I was in physical contact with her, I immediately went into that beautiful space of energetic oneness with her, not actively sensing our bodies but just feeling like a singular energy cloud, her energy and mine being the same. In fact, there was no sense of this energy having any parts or components, like our bodies have limbs. It was a feeling of wholeness without any internal divisions.

Within that wholeness, however, I could read certain things about this energy. I could ask questions about myself or Rachelle and get an immediate sense of knowing. The energy had a very shamanic vibe about it, totally centered and present, like it was patiently holding space for our human selves and bodies. I got the sense that Rachelle was some kind of shaman herself yet pretending not to be so she could blend in with the humans. That made me wonder if that’s what we’re all doing here on some level, like there’s a part of us that’s energetically pure and whole, and we pretend to disconnect from it so we can have human adventures for a while, much like playing The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom for long enough to feel immersed in its world.

I think this experience also confirmed the incredibly special relationship that I’ve enjoyed with Rachelle since 2010, which has often felt like it had a timeless quality to it. We vibe so well with each other and seem ridiculously compatible. The experience of feeling like our energies were the same energy was like a more intense version of what I normally experience while hugging or cuddling with her. I feel more aware of how holding her changes the perception of my energy, making it feel very peaceful, loving, and cozy. It feels like a very natural home base to experience with another person, energetically speaking. It’s not the sensation that we’re two parts of the same whole; it’s the absence of any partitioning. When we cuddle it feels like we create a cuddle-field in which our human bodies mostly dissolve into energy, and it’s all the same energy.

During those two hours on the couch together, whenever I broke contact with Rachelle and we stopped touching for a while, that’s when I felt more grounded and present in my body and the physical environment, like now I’m back in the hotel room.

During that time I also experienced rolling waves of intensity, which grew milder over time. Sometimes there were mild waves of nausea too but not nearly as strong as during that first hour. Other times I felt of a different frequency, where I noticed the closed-eye visuals becoming more intense or changing their patterns. Sometimes I felt surges of positive energy, like the pressure one experiences before laughing. In fact, I did laugh several times during the night as way to release some of energy, which felt good.

Anyway… after those lovely two hours on the couch together, Rachelle finally went to bed, and I was in a good place to continue on my own. I turned off the lights, put on my headphones, and lied down on the couch to do more inner journeying for a couple more hours. That was a more mental experience for the rest of the night, whereby I asked and got interesting answers to many different questions – so many that I felt like I’d run out of questions by the end. Or I felt like I just didn’t have any meaningful ones left to ask on this particular night.

I also experimented with different kinds of music during this time. Slow-paced music felt a bit boring, and I found that my favorite for these final hours was trance music. I loved high-energy tracks that amped me up emotionally. I also listened to some of my favorite songs just to see what that would be like, but that aspect didn’t seem unusual, perhaps because the songs were too familiar. I still liked it though.

I finally went to bed at 2 AM, not even feeling that tired, so overall the experience was about 5 hours. I could still feel a bit of background communication going on as I drifted off to sleep, but at this point I didn’t find it necessary to consciously engage with it because I felt complete and then some.

I woke up the next day feeling very well-rested and completely normal. I like that these journeys didn’t leave me feeling depleted. I couldn’t discern any negative after-effects whatsoever.

Integration

When I returned to Vegas, I went to an integration circle the following Tuesday and shared about my recent experiences there. The feedback and questions were helpful since they invited me to do some extra reflection. I also continued to discuss the experiences with Rachelle and did some journaling as well. I find that the more I reflect upon and talk about these experiences, the more my understanding of them shifts a bit.

Overall this was a great introduction to magic mushrooms, both very positive experiences despite the disorienting and rapid onset with the mushroom tea – that really packed a punch relative to eating the shroom straight. I got what I wanted, which was to lean into building a positive, growth-oriented relationship with mushroom space. Whenever I get into something new, I like to set conscious intentions for the kind of relationship I want to develop and explore.

I like that psychedelic journeying can yield interesting insights about myself, life, and reality. Getting to connect with Rachelle in a deeper way was such a beautiful gift as well.

After a mushroom trip, the brain remains more neuro-flexible than usual for roughly two more weeks. That’s a great time for making changes because the brain is less resistant to receiving fresh input and more receptive to learning. I experienced a feeling of greater openness and flexibility during that time period. I felt more willing to say yes to divergent invitations and to entertain new ideas that I might have otherwise declined. It felt like my inner suppression circuitry had loosened up a bit, so it was easier to stretch myself more.

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Psychedelic Science 2023 – Key Takeaways

In my previous post I shared my detailed review of the Psychedelic Science 2023 conference in Denver. In this post I’ll summarize my key takeaways after further reflection.

Effectiveness

There was abundant evidence of the transformational effectiveness of psychedelics, which shows great promise in treating issues like depression, anxiety, PTSD, and addiction, especially at relatively high doses (like 30-40mg of psilocybin).

Psychedelics can also create powerful effects that people describe as spiritual. Given a high enough dosage, most people report a profound mystical experience that they claim to be one of the peak experiences of their lives.

The connection between psychedelics and creativity seems to be more anecdotal at this point, especially when microdosing. That could be at least partly due to the challenge of figuring out how to measure creativity improvements.

Investment

Lots of investment is currently flowing into the psychedelic space, including money, new businesses, and people (researches, doctors, therapists, coaches, etc.). There are even churches popping up that use psychedelic substances as their sacraments.

Feelings on this investment flow are mixed. On the one hand, greater mainstream interest helps to overcome the negative aspects of the 1960s counter-culture association with psychedelics, which led to the War on Drugs in the 1980s, thereby giving this wave of psychedelic resurgence more mainstream legitimacy with the backing of doctors, scientists, and investors. On the other hand, I saw much concern regarding the influence of corporate greed upon this space and the massive potential harm it could do, much as it did with cigarettes and the opioid crisis.

This creates an interesting dynamic where the field seems to be courting and welcoming mainstream legitimacy and advocacy while at the same time wanting to keep the influence of money and corporations at arm’s length, so as not to ruin the human and social benefits (community, healing, connection, transformation, positive social ripples, etc).

Placebo Effect

With respect to microdosing, recent studies have been finding that the placebo effect accounts for most of the total effect (perhaps 90-95% of it). The effects of microdosing can be almost entirely negated when someone thinks they’re taking a placebo while actually taking a real psychedelic substance such as LSD. And the positive effects can be largely replicated by giving a placebo to someone who thinks they’re getting the real thing.

At higher doses, however, the placebo effect seems to play a lesser role, although it’s still measurably present. When people are taking real psychedelic substances, they tend to know they didn’t get the placebo due to the strong effects. Of course that difference makes it difficult to conduct double-blind testing because most people can easily tell which group they’re in. That isn’t the case with microdosing, where people can easily guess wrong.

Environment

Psychedelics can be very sensitive to environment (aka setting). Taking the same substance at a therapist’s office may lead to a very different experience than doing it in the Amazon jungle, in your own home, at a rave, at Burning Man, etc.

Stigma

We’ve come a long way in turning societal impressions of psychedelics to be more truth aligned. More people now recognize the positive benefits of psychedelics and acknowledge their non-addictive nature and the relatively low risks (the risks often having more to do with set and setting than with the substance taken). People are becoming more aware that mushrooms, LSD, MDMA, and ketamine aren’t remotely the same as heroin or cocaine. With some psychedelic substances, it’s nearly impossible to overdose since they aren’t toxic in higher amounts, although you might end up having a very intense trip.

Influence

Lots of players seem to want to influence the way the rapidly growing psychedelics community evolves, including doctors, therapists, scientists, individual psychonauts, local psychedelic communities, indigenous people, investors, business, government officials, etc. Many different interests are vying to secure, maintain, or expand their seats at the table to ensure their interests are considered and represented. Yet no one is really in charge.

Different interest groups favor different frames to support their positions. Therapists may use the patient care frame. Individual psychonauts often play the personal freedom card. Researchers may emphasize the supremacy of science. Indigenous people seem to favor the multi-generational stewardship and experienced elder frames. Government officials claim to want what’s best for the people they serve. Some local psychedelic communities lean on anti-corporate and empower-the-local-community framing.

It’s impressive to see that despite competing for influence, many people in this space are willing to float among different frames to broaden their perspectives, including considering frames that don’t support their positions. I think many people recognize that psychedelic space is complex and not easily understood from the perspective of any singular frame. Frames are not truths; they’re only windows peering into a greater reality from different angles.

Exploring a Direct Relationship with Psychedelics

One personal takeaway was the value of cultivating a direct relationship with psychedelics, such as by using them solo or with a sitter, instead of going through gatekeepers like a therapist or shaman. Whenever you bring anyone else into the psychedelic journey with you, their energy gets woven into the experience.

Be careful about the people with whom you explore. You may have a better experience exploring with trusted friends in a comfortable and familiar location than in some jungle, retreat center, or office with people you don’t know.

If you do work with a gatekeeper, it’s wise to research their background and talk to previous clients. Going to a psychedelic retreat center with a rotating rent-a-shaman may not be your best bet. And if you do find retreat centers appealing, shop around and ask around for more options since their prices can be all over the place.

Self-Development Potential

In terms of personal growth value, there’s a tremendous about of experimentation that can be done with exploring different intentions in your psychedelic journeys. Psychonauts have invited new truths about themselves and reality, upgraded old thought patterns and behaviors, overcome addictions, created new emotional realities for themselves, and so much more.

Psychedelics can provide new vectors into self-discovery that you may not have accessed before. The potential of using psychedelics for self-development is vast.

Synthetic vs. Natural Psychedelics

Some people have a preferences for natural psychedelics such as magic mushrooms or ayahuasca instead of synthetic forms like LSD or MDMA. In terms of the results people are getting, both in scientific studies and anecdotally, there seems to be little practical difference between natural and synthetic psychedelics. Both are capable of creating very similar experiences. Even across different types of psychedelics, the effects tend to be more similar than dissimilar, with factors like set, setting, dosage, and intentionality often playing a bigger role than the specific substance taken.

Curing vs. Drugging

Many people are moving away from pharmaceuticals that only treat their symptoms, cause unwanted side effects, mask underlying problems without actually curing them, and often create drug dependencies. They’re turning to psychedelics to unearth, explore, and finally cure their underlying conditions. Some achieve this through microdosing, others through intense high-dose experiences.

Psychedelics and Meditation

There’s great overlap between the long-term benefits of psychedelics and meditation practice. Psychedelics typically yield much faster results though, often creating profound transformations with just one or two doses, achieving transformations that consistent meditation practice might attain within years or decades, if ever. Moreover, even experienced meditators can have powerful revelations when taking psychedelics, often in ways that supplement their meditation practice. Meditation and psychedelics are highly compatible, and the best results may come from combining them.

Social Benefits

Psychedelics can create many positive social ripples, such as helping people to feel more connected to each other, be more compassionate and cooperative, and set more socially responsible and beneficial goals and priorities. Widespread psychedelic use could potentially lead to a reduction in violent crime, among many other positive ripples.

Decriminalization

The psychedelic decriminalization and legalization movement is building momentum, so we may see similar shifts like we’ve seen with marijuana in recent years. In the USA, Colorado has been leading the way. Other states are advancing in this direction too.

Do the Work

Psychedelics can be powerful tools of transformation, but you must still do the inner work to unleash their full potential. If you use psychedelics primarily for entertainment, you may not experience much transformational value. Moreover, no one can do the work for you, even if you work with a therapist or shaman.

A key pattern I saw among people who had powerful breakthroughs with psychedelics was that they assumed personal responsibility for their transformations. Psychedelic exploration often came into their lives after they decided it was time to step up and finally fix their issues, whatever it takes. For some this meant overcoming major trauma. For others it was finally time to get off anti-depressants. Still others wanted to do something purposeful and meaningful instead of feeling stuck. There were many different scenarios that led people to conclude that they needed to definitively fix their issues and finally move on with the rest of their lives. For some it appeared as if psychedelics came onto their radar as the manifestation of the transformational power they were now summoning, as if reality said to them, “Ah… I see you’re finally committed to solving this issue for good. Here’s what you need to complete that journey.”

Expansion

The psychedelic space is clearly going through a major expansion phase. Expect to see significantly more growth in this space in the years ahead. New career opportunities are springing up rapidly, such as psychedelic therapists, coaches, and trainers. You may soon see people you know switching careers to get involved.

Don’t be too surprised when you see more influencers sharing openly about their psychedelic journeys. You’ve probably been seeing some shifts towards greater openness and exploration already if you’ve been paying attention.

I hope you enjoyed these takeaways. I encourage you to ponder how some of them may apply to other areas of your life in more personally applicable ways. For instance, are there any situations where you’re still going through a gatekeeper, such as by seeking permission, when a more direct approach would serve you better? Where in life do you need a powerful commitment to “do the work” in order to progress? How do your set (mindset), setting (environment), and intentionality affect your results and experiences? Where are you getting stuck into mono-framing instead of taking in the big picture across multiple frames?

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