One of the most delicious phrases to hear in a sexual encounter is, “You can do whatever you want with me.” Mmmm!

That’s a form of pre-consent. In that case it’s perhaps overly broad, and there may be some hidden boundaries to discover along the way, but it really opens the door to less constrained exploration together.

Even when pre-consent is more limited, it can speed a connection along towards the more fun and interesting parts.

When you’re beginning to explore a new connection with someone, I encourage you to invite a conversation about what falls within the realm of pre-consent and what doesn’t.

Many people perceive the main risk of a new relationship to be moving too quickly and accidentally doing something the other person doesn’t like. That’s a valid concern. But another major issue is that you might move too slowly and miss out on good opportunities. What if the other person was willing to go further, and you held back? What if you go so slowly that the connection fizzles?

I’ve missed some good opportunities for connection when I held back by assuming boundaries that the other person didn’t actually have, which I later learned during a follow-up conversation.

One way to avoid missing out here is to talk openly about areas of pre-consent for anything that you’re curious or uncertain about. I’ve been surprised multiple times by how much someone is willing to explore early in a connection. I tend to underestimate people by assuming that they have constraints that aren’t there. A short pre-consent conversation can reveal the actual truth.

Not everyone feels comfortable having these kinds of conversations, but for those who do, it’s so refreshing. I definitely appreciate such conversations since it gives me clarity about where the person’s current comfort zone is. It gives me more confidence that I won’t accidentally cross a line – and also that I won’t overlook a really nice opportunity to connect, play, or have more fun together.

It’s really nice to get more clarity about which doors are really closed and which doors are actually open. It’s been my experience that the truth doesn’t always align with my expectations. However, after practicing this more, I found that my expectations improved to move further into alignment with truth. Experience helped to upgrade my intuition. So you may find such conversations more valuable when you have less experience; you may not need them as much as you gain relationship experience.

A pre-consent conversation can even be done via texting or email. And it can happen in any stage of a relationship – from before you meet to many years into a long-term relationship or marriage.

The point is simply to discover what the other person is okay experiencing with you without your having to ask each time. What can you just do without hitting resistance?

Here are some questions you can answer:

• Can I hold your hand when we walk together?
• Can I hug you? How often?
• Can I kiss you? How often? Do you like French kissing?
• Can I ask you deep personal questions?
• How physical can I be with you?
• Would you enjoy cuddling while we watch a movie? Cuddle sleeping together?
• How far are you willing to go on our first / next date (even before it happens)?
• Can I talk openly about what I’d like to do sexually with you? Or would that make you uncomfortable?
• Can I tease you sexually? What kinds of teasing do you like?
• Can I touch your breasts? As much as I want?
• Can I give you oral sex? Will you give me oral sex?
• Do you like D/s play? If so, what are you open to exploring?
• Are you open to threesomes?

I wouldn’t ask all of these questions up front interview style, although I suppose you could. I think it’s better to do this in stages. Start with some of the easier ones. If you meet resistance there, you may want to pause to see if any of those closed doors open up later.

You may be surprised by the actual boundaries some people have. There is no ladder of sexual and emotional openness where everyone has a convenient spot on some particular rung, just as there’s no ladder of consciousness. (Power vs Force has an interesting ladder to read about, but it’s also nonsense in terms of practical reality… and basically the same one used by Scientology.)

Any wild fantasy you have, including ones that initially seem nonconsensual, can be made consensual if you just ask. What if the other person would enjoy having that experience with you? You may never know if you don’t ask.

I wonder how many people secretly fantasize or turn to porn regarding certain experiences they don’t have an outlet for in real life… that they actually could have if they just opened up and asked around to see who’s interested. It’s way more delicious to explore various desires for real. You just need consent. How do you get consent? Ask enough people.

A common issue here is being afraid of the no. But hearing a no early and up front is better than dodging the truth like Trump at a news conference. Avoiding a potential no will only build more fear and hesitation. The more truth you invite early, the easier it is to make aligned decisions and to find aligned partners.

If a no is temporary, it’s good to get it out early, so you know where you are. And if the no is permanent, then it’s an invitation to decide whether to explore with that person while honoring their boundaries or if you’d prefer to connect with someone more compatible. Don’t perceive it as a failure if you find that someone’s boundaries don’t match your own and that a connection isn’t going to work as you’d hoped. Instead, honor the other person as a unique individual, and then honor your own desires by seeking a good match.

This also depends on where your boundaries are and how comfortable you feel moving faster. In some areas I’m slower and more cautious, like in wanting to connect with people who have aligned ethical values. In other areas I like to move faster than most, like when it comes to physical touch and affection because I enjoy that so much.

A pre-consent conversation could reveal a yes that unlocks a lot of yumminess – emotional intimacy, affection, sexual pleasure, playfulness, laughter, fun, and more. I’m enjoying a 10+ year relationship that began with a playful pre-consensual conversation, and it’s exceedingly delightful. I appreciate it each day.

One thing I really like about this relationship is that we started out fast. I think that was important because we lived in different countries. If we had moved too slowly in the beginning during the limited number of days we had together in person, we might not have gone through enough open doors to bond as quickly and deeply as we did. We might have robbed ourselves of some really beautiful experiences and some fabulous early memories that set the tone for the future years of our relationship.

Don’t overlook the risk of moving too slowly. Holding back could lead to some of your biggest lifetime regrets. Fortunately you don’t have to violate someone’s boundaries to move faster.

If you’re active in online discussions, remember to invite discussions on topics that interest you.

Don’t just post memes or trivial updates about your life. Don’t just read or respond to other people’s topics.

Actually invite discussions to explore and advance what interests you.

This may expose a weak social circle or a weak platform. You may feel resistance to inviting such discussions because you know a certain social circle isn’t up to the task. Maybe you’ve tested this a few times, and the responses have been disappointing.

This doesn’t mean it’s wise to abandon the practice. Instead, practice elsewhere. Find other communities where you’ll find more aligned people who can intelligently discuss what interests you.

If you’re interested in entrepreneurship, can you raise entrepreneurial topics with your social circle and expect intelligent answers? Will you see stimulating ideas being exchanged?

What if you’re interested in human relationships or sexuality? Life purpose and contribution? The Law of Attraction? The nature of reality? Going vegan?

Do you have at least one good social circle for discussing each topic that interests you? It doesn’t have to be the same social circle or platform for every topic.

When I was younger, I had zero outlets where I could intelligently discuss certain topics. That made exploration much harder. I remember it being especially challenging when I was 17 and was having major doubts about religion, but I didn’t know any non-religious people that I could trust to talk intelligently about it. So I mostly had to do all my own thinking and figuring.

When I was 18 and moved to Berkeley, there were lots of people I could talk to about this, which was incredibly refreshing. That made a huge difference.

At another time in my life, I was the only person I knew who was really into personal growth. I leaned heavily on books and audio programs during this time, as if they were my social circle. It would have been so nice to have people to compare notes with and share ideas. Later in life I eventually made more growth-oriented friends, and it was wonderful to finally engage in intelligent discussions about it.

It’s useful to just keep sharing what interests you, even if you’re sharing into a void, and no one else seems to be aligned with your interests. This exposes the weaknesses of misaligned social circles. It makes you face the disappointment of what they’re not providing, so you can’t just ignore that major misalignment. This can motivate you to stop wasting your time messaging into a void and start looking for a better place to interact with like-minded people. It makes you question the value of the social groups and platforms you interact with. That can be a hard truth to face, but it’s good to keep facing it.

Yesterday I was conversing with Rachelle about how to communicate with someone who has what you might call lower than average emotional and social intelligence but is otherwise extremely bright. (It’s not a member of this community by the way, and our interactions are normally short and infrequent.)

Rachelle noted that he, “seems to have no clue about interacting with people.” The rest of our conversation proceeded like this:

Star Trek geekiness aside, the point is that it’s best to present an interface to him that he understands if we are to have any hope of communicating with him. He doesn’t seem to grasp emotional communication, so if we expect compassion or caring from him, we’re only setting ourselves up for disappointment or frustration.

However, if we limit ourselves to a narrower subset of the human communication spectrum, like if we talk to him like we’re speaking to Alexa or Siri, he responds to that perfectly fine. Other people might find such communication too curt or bossy, but he wouldn’t take offense. Being too gentle is more likely to offend him.

Now consider that other people will likely learn to offer a communication interface that they believe will be acceptable to you. If they see you as a compassionate and caring person, they’ll be more willing to open up about their feelings. If they see you as as very logical person, they may seem your rational advice more often.

Where people detect awkwardness and discomfort from you with a certain mode of communication, they’ll be more likely to avoid interfacing with you on that basis. Consequently, you won’t necessarily connect with people as much in the ranges where you convey resistance and discomfort. This means that the range of human communication you typically experience will have some gaps. Other people may communicate a great deal within those gaps, but they’ll probably avoid interfacing with you within certain subranges.

Now when you’re on a path of personal growth, you’re likely to open up and expand your frequency ranges over time. Areas that were once outside your comfort zone may become comfortable for you. Sometimes you may need to communicate and reassure people that you can handle a range that they might think is beyond you. Now and then it’s good to let people know that they won’t offend you or make you feel uncomfortable if they try to interface with you in some part of the spectrum where they may otherwise be cautious or hesitant.

When I was younger, some frequency ranges felt uncomfortable to me, but now I feel a lot more comfortable with them, partly due to deliberate stretching and partly due to racking up more practice.

Many years ago I’d have felt uncomfortable if someone cried while talking about an emotionally vulnerable issue with me. I’d have tried to dodge and escape such conversations, not wanting to go into that range with anyone. Today I feel the opposite. Not only does it not bother me when someone shares something emotionally vulnerable, I tend to see tears as an indication of trust, authenticity, emotional honesty, and depth I feel honored that people trust me as someone they can share their feelings with. Sometimes I even comment that I “love making people cry,” and I’m only half joking when I say that. It’s nice when people feel safe enough to express this range of emotion. I’d actually like it if more people felt comfortable with tears and less embarrassed or stigmatized by them.

Another area that took some practice was learning to communicate about topics you might call spiritual or woo-woo. At first I felt a little hesitant writing about such topics publicly, but as I leaned into this, I gradually felt more at ease, especially as so many people in my audience responded positively and wanted to see more on those topics. Lately we’ve been having some really interesting discussions about the Law of Attraction, manifesting, and the nature of reality in Conscious Growth Club. On this morning’s coaching call, we started testing a new intention experiment to see what, if any, effect it has on us.

Two areas where I’ve had a lot of practice are talking to people about their problems and their desires. People have told me details about all sorts of problems they’ve experienced – financial problems, relationship problems, business problems, family problems, health problems, emotional problems, and more. They’ve also opened up about many different types of desires and needs, including some personal and intimate desires they don’t normally share with other people. So I’ve had plenty of time to become comfortable with this range of communication. I actually find it rewarding to gain this perspective on humanity. One insight I’ll share is that people who are struggling are often a lot more aware of their deficits and less certain about their desires, whereas people who are thriving tend to be more in tune with their desires and less concerned about areas where they aren’t doing so well.

I’ll also note that when you communicate publicly with a wider spectrum, you’re more likely to make someone uncomfortable. It’s hard to avoid stepping outside of someone’s comfort zone sooner or later. One way to deal with this is to back off and restrict your range. I dislike that approach because it makes me feel stunted; it’s harder to feel like I’m being honest if I hold so much back. So instead my approach was to learn to feel comfortable with other people’s discomfort. Then I can write about more topics, knowing that someone may feel uncomfortable with that range of communication, and just accept that it’s going to happen repeatedly. Another useful frame is to also consider that people are choosing to read, watch, or listen to what I publish; it’s not being forced upon them.

In one-on-one conversations, I usually prefer to constrain myself by respecting someone else’s comfort zone. So if I know they aren’t comfortable with a particular range of topics or communication style, I won’t push them to go there. But when communicating with a bigger audience publicly, I don’t find that approach tenable. It’s too constricting to limit myself to topics or communication styles that won’t make anyone feel uncomfortable. You’d be surprised at the sorts of things people find objectionable.

When your social interactions start feeling a bit stale, boring, or predictable, you may want to broaden your range. One good approach is to start communicating about topics that make you feel uncomfortable. Step into your own range of awkwardness, and explore that for a while. This isn’t easy, but it works. Many people will respect you more for simply trying to communicate about something that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Imagine how impressed Rachelle and I would be if the guy we referenced in the beginning of this article started opening up about his feelings or if he said that he wanted to be nicer to people. We’d be shocked initially, but we’d also really respect him for just making the effort. We’d be super supportive as well.

I too have noticed this reaction from people when I’ve made a genuine effort to expand my range. While some people won’t follow me into a range that feels awkward to them, many more are delighted by my efforts to stretch.

Just realize that no matter how wide you think your range is, it’s still limited. The full range of human communication occupies a wider spectrum than any individual can experience in a lifetime. There’s always more to explore and experience. You probably won’t have to look very far to find additional subranges that make you feel awkward or uncomfortable. Challenge yourself to explore one of those awkward parts of the spectrum now and then, so you can enjoy the rewards of expanding your comfort zone over time.