Tag Archives: adult kids

‘I Told My Son I Knew He Was Gay, My Daughter Said I Made A Big Mistake’

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A parent has sparked debate over their choice to address their son’s sexuality with him directly – after finding out he had been romantically involved with another man.

The 62-year-old said their wife died a decade ago and, in her absence, he’s tried “to be a more nurturing presence for my kids”.

When attending church, he found out through a friend that his son, who’s in his twenties, had become romantically involved with another man.

“At first I was just surprised, but after I digested the news I was concerned that he clearly didn’t feel able to share this important part of his life with me,” said the parent in a Reddit post.

“We live in a more conservative part of the US and I am an active churchgoer, and we had never really discussed sexuality as a family. As such, I was concerned that he thought I would disown him or something: when in reality, I just love him and want him to find the happiness I had with his mother, whatever form that takes.”

Rather than wait for his son to approach him about it, he decided to address it directly with him, “so he knew I loved and supported him and he didn’t have to worry about telling me”.

“I invited him over for a beer, told him what I knew, and expressed as best I could that it wasn’t something he needed to hide from me,” said the parent, who noted that after his son’s initial shock, he hugged him and told him he appreciated it.

“I felt like the conversation went well and I was closer to him,” he added.

The story doesn’t end there however, as when his daughter found out what had happened, she told him he’d made “a big mistake” and warned that he’d “robbed” his son of the opportunity to come out in his own time.

“I really didn’t get the impression my son felt that way about our conversation, and she didn’t hear from him that he feels that way, but she says it’s obvious he’d be upset,” said the parent.

“So now I’m wondering if I’ve been an asshole telling him I knew? And if so, what I should do next?”

Was he in the wrong to approach his son about this?

Society’s default setting is often to assume someone is heterosexual, which means anyone who isn’t might feel they have to “come out” and share their sexuality with others. This can bring with it a range of emotions, including fear and anxiety, but also relief and excitement.

Whether someone comes out or not is their own personal choice – and they shouldn’t feel the need to do this before they’re ready.

That said, some have praised the father for how he handled this scenario.

One Redditor said: “Personally, as a lesbian who has really religious parents who I was terrified to come out to, I think what you did was lovely.”

Gay men also commented to say he “did good”. One person replied: “Gay here. NTA [not the asshole]. Robbing someone of coming out? That’s like robbing me of being drunk driver hit with a car. You didn’t rob anything. You did a great thing.”

Another respondent said: “Being forced out by someone else is unsettling (trust me, I know) and often dangerous. But this isn’t that. This is just a father saying to a son ‘I love you, gay, straight or purple dinosaur’ and sister needs to stay the hell in her lane.”

What a therapist thinks…

Bhavna Raithatha, BACP accredited psychotherapist and author, said there is “no manual for how to approach such a situation”.

“We don’t know the son’s reaction or response, however from experience, both personally and professionally, there can be immense relief in such a situation as for many, it is hardest for them to come out to their parents due to a variety of reasons including culture, religion, societal norms for them,” she said.

“For this father, he did what he felt was supportive. His intervention will have provided a safe place for his son – albeit sooner than the son might have felt ready, and that is something that can be discussed in due course.”

She noted that for parents in this position, another approach could be to wait until your child approaches you, while creating a safe space. So, if sexuality comes up in the media, on a show, or in conversation, her advice is to be open to discussing it, show that you are supportive, and use affirmative language.

The therapist acknowledged that there may also “be a myriad of emotions that come up as well as concerns, [as] the world still has an issue with LGBTQ+ people”.

“There are a huge number of variables to consider for a parent – their own feelings around sexuality, their religion, culture, family dynamics and their OWN sexuality which may be hidden, etc.”

She advised seeking out resources to educate yourself, such as through support groups like fflag.org.uk.

As for what the father should do now, BACP member Dr Paul C. Mollitt said the important thing is to continue being there for his son. “For now, it helps to centre his feelings, not your own – however difficult that might be. What matters most is that he feels safe, loved, and accepted as he is,” he said.

“In time, when he does talk to you, there may be space to explore what made it hard for him to open up.

“But for now, relating to him with warmth and genuine interest in his life, language that signals openness, and affection that doesn’t change will provide the conditions for him to share more about his personal life when he is ready.”

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I’m Mortified By My Dad’s New Relationship. I’m Afraid To Tell Him The Truth.

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Family Beef is our family advice column at HuffPost Family. Have a beef you want us to weigh in on? Submit it here.

Dear Family Beef,

My Dad’s (58) new girlfriend (28) is only two years older than me (F26). I want him to be happy but I can’t get over how creepy it is that she was in elementary school the same time I was, that she was still in diapers when he was changing mine. It’s just weird. He has had other girlfriends since divorcing my mom, but they were all in their 40s and 50s and felt more age appropriate. So I’ve never had a bad reaction like this.

He keeps asking me and my boyfriend to go to dinner with them and making comments about how we’ll “get along so well” and I keep finding excuses to avoid it. I find the whole thing embarrassing and don’t want other people in my life to see and judge him as a creepy old cradle robber..

Is this something I should talk to him about or ignore until it hopefully goes away?

— I Don’t Want A Sister Step Mom

Dear Sister Step,

Oh, you’re absolutely allowed to be weirded out. Validating the weird-out here. That’s not to say that their relationship itself is weird, though.

This is one of those situations where what you feel matters, but not nearly as much as what the two adults in a relationship feel about each other. But your ambivalence isn’t uncommon or necessarily irrational either. Two things can be true!

These days, so-called “age-gap” relationships get a lot of flak because, as you allude to in your letter, there’s a lot of judgment floating around. There are situations where the older partner may have more obvious power or sway over the younger partner (emotionally, financially, etc.), and the cartoonish stereotypes of older individuals perpetually chasing youth or younger people looking for a “sugar parent” to spoil them. These dynamics can happen and can be frustrating to watch from the sidelines — but, ultimately, it’s up to those two adults to decide what kind of relationship they want to be in and how they are with one another.

“An adult child has come to understand power dynamics and is used to a level of separation with their parents’ generation,” sexologist and couples clinician Dr. Lexx Brown-James, told HuffPost. “So having a parent dating someone of similar age can feel discomforting because we make the connection that a parent could be dating one of our friends or someone that we could even date.”

To me, it’s not a bad idea to take a little space while you figure out why you feel the way you do. Talk with some trusted neutral parties (friends! your partner! a therapist!) before engaging with your dad and this partner. You might need to purge the “WTF” feelings in a safe, non-toxic way. And that gives you a better chance at responding to the situation you’re actually in rather than just reacting to the scariest stories you’ve been telling yourself about the situation.

“Not meeting a parent partner first off is absolutely a worthwhile strategy and there are a few considerations,” Brown-James notes. “In the ’Ber months of the year, is this person coming to family functions especially? Also, is your parent being safe? There can be questions around health, technology, and other factors that some times elder generations are less savvy with, how much do you as the child want to be involved? Also, know that choosing not to meet the partner, may create some resentment or hurt in your parental relationship. That can cause grief for both of you.”

Avoiding the conversation entirely, though? That won’t be beneficial to any of these relationships. Sure, you may “luck out” and this relationship could go just a few weeks or months before fizzling out – but the T. rex method of “stand still until the scary, uncomfortable or awkward thing is gone” really isn’t ever as effective as we’d want it to be.

But, Brown-James does note that you might want to consider a few things before you initiate a conversation.

“Consider what your parent is looking for in bringing this to you. Are they looking for permission, are they just sharing, are they wanting feedback, are they wanting you to participate in a family structure? Once intentions are set, you can decide your boundaries and share them,” Brown-James said. “In less safe relationships, where maybe there is more expectation on a child to confirm or agree, there might need to be a further distance.”

Elizabeth DeVaughn, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship specialist, also adds that playing through the pain of this discomfort and having the conversation can serve to deepen your parent-adult child relationship in the long run.

“The discomfort she’s feeling could be a beautiful opportunity to connect with her dad authentically. She can name the discomfort she’s feeling while also expressing that she’s working through the details of the discomfort with a therapist or with friends,” DeVaughn said. “This way, she gives herself space to process while staying open to the fact that her dad may be building a great relationship with this new woman.”

I know I would be so morbidly curious enough to want to witness the pair together myself, to really understand if they have something special or if the May-December situation is actually as cartoonish as my nightmares. Some of these dynamics are actually just normal couples who make each other happy. But you won’t know what their situation actually is if you keep them at arm’s length and, if it is as bad as you fear, you can be an informed observer.

Now, if you do decide to power through the discomfort and have dinner with them, here are a few other ways to make that process a little bit easier on you:

Practice some radical acceptance

Ultimately, your dad is an autonomous person as is his 28-year-old GF. Whatever ride they are on together is theirs — and whether or not there’s a lasting love there (or if the age difference gets in the way) is something they need to find out for themselves.

So this is where you have to pull out the “radical acceptance” that therapists are always going on about: You’re not in their relationship, and you can’t make the call on what is “right” for them.

“Radical acceptance means acknowledging reality, rather than resisting the relationship,” Dr. Greg Gomez, Clinical Director at The Oasis Rehab in California “In this situation, it is recognising that the parent has chosen to remain in the relationship regardless of the age gap. This is beyond the child’s control.”

You can, however, have boundaries. You don’t need to want to hang out with him and his partner at this stage in their dating life. You can respectfully side-step the hangs for a bit longer until you get a sense of how lasting this relationship might be.

You can also use some of these tried-and-true strategies for first meetings to make this less of a “Four Seasons” eye-roll situation and more of a “short getting-to-know-you chat with a new person” situation:

  • Bring a buddy! Having your partner there with you or a trusted friend along as your wing-person could also be a helpful buffer to bring down the temperature of this meeting in your head.
  • Humanise the new girlfriend. Even if you don’t want to talk about your discomfort just yet, you can ask your dad to tell you more about this partner as a human being. What are her hobbies? What did they do on their first date? These little details can help humanise his new partner and help you connect. This keeps her from becoming a boogeyman in your head.
  • Build-in a hard out. The best part of going anywhere is leaving. Make a plan with a clear end time so you do not feel like you’re trapped. (I love a “let’s get lunch at 1, but we have to leave by 3.”) It sets expectations and offers you a little bit of a light at the end of the social interaction tunnel.

Try to be ‘happy for their happy’

A term that comes up a lot in non-monogamous and poly circles that might be helpful for you? Compersion. This means that you’re able to be happy for the happiness that you can feel over someone else’s happiness. (The Buddhist term “mudita,” or a sympathetic joy, is similar as well).

It’s a really lovely idea that can benefit all of your relationships when you put it into practice: You don’t need to love or cheer on every decision your loved one makes, but you can look to see if they are happy in this relationship — and try to access the part of you that is genuinely thrilled for that happiness.

“Radical acceptance can be hard,” Brown-James said. “Here is where compersion comes into play. Can you be happy for your parent’s happy? Isn’t that what really matters most?”

You said it yourself: You want your dad to be happy — and this relationship, even if you don’t understand it, might just be something that makes him feel that way.

Advice From Our Readers

Some of our Platinum HuffPosters offered up their own advice on this question. Here’s what they had to say:

“Let Dad have his fling.”

“I would say let the Dad have his fling.The longer she ignores him the more attractive the younger woman will seem to him. Maybe she should meet her & try to see what it is that he sees in her. It can’t hurt to try [and] it would make her Dad happy. Life is too short for this kind of drama.”

—Sue McCarthy

“Give Dad grace.”

“Did Dad ask for your opinion on his dating life? You want him to be happy, but you want him to make you happy, as well? Grow up. You’re not a child any longer and Dad’s a grown man. It’s not his job to make you happy, he doesn’t need to run his life according to your comfort level. Your entire complaint is about you, not Dad. You’re worried about being embarrassed for whom? Yourself? Dad doesn’t seem to be worried. Stop whining and judging and give Dad grace. If he’s happy, the problem is you, not him. Don’t run away and pout, have an honest conversation with Dad, share your feelings with love and compassion, keeping in mind that you do not have the right to define happiness for another person even if that person raised you and loves you. This lady may or may not be a temporary relationship for Dad, but the damage you’re doing to your own relationship with him may not be easily healed. The biggest question for you: is your selfishness really worth the price you might pay?

— Respectfully submitted for your consideration by Lynne M, a 74 year old woman with wisdom that’s come at a price.

“Speak with him.”

“As long as your dad dates this person, the issue will not go away. You should definitely speak with him. Hearing from you on how uncomfortable dinner would make you is respectful and necessary.”

— MADDEN

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‘My Adult Son Has Moved Home Again And I Desperately Want Him To Move Out’

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You’re reading Between Us, a place for parents to offload and share their tricky parenting dilemmas. Share your parenting dilemma here and we’ll seek advice from experts.

With the cost of living crisis, rocketing bills, and soaring rent payments, a growing number of adult children – dubbed ‘boomerang kids’ – are moving back in with their parents.

In fact, as of 2021, there were 620,000 more adult children living with their parents compared to 10 years previous, census data found.

While lots of parents will enjoy the chance to spend more time with their grown-up children, having them move back in can also cause tension and rifts.

Such is the case for one anonymous HuffPost UK reader, who shared their parenting dilemma with us:

“Our adult son has moved home for the second time, and I desperately want him to move out. He came home after a highly toxic relationship breakdown during which time he had wiped out all of his savings. He reluctantly came home at my insistence, and said it would only be for 2-3 weeks, but never left, and never asked us if he could stay permanently.

“As such the ‘ground rules’ conversations never took place, although we’ve tried to have them several times since with no impact or improvement. Since moving home seven months ago, he has not changed his sheets, washed his towels, he’s doing nothing to improve his job prospects in order to earn a consistent living wage that would allow him to move out, he’s not doing what we suggest to save money to clear his debts quicker. He doesn’t routinely help out around the home – he’ll clean his own plate but won’t unload the dishwasher, for example. He’ll remove his clothes from the washing line but leave everything else in the rain.

“He pays us ‘rent’ weekly which is now consistent, but resents it. This is about a third of what it would cost him to live in a house-share where we live. We have tried to address all of the above issues many times, but nothing changes. I feel we have no choice but to ask him to leave, but I fear making him homeless.”

So, what can they do?

1. Sit down and talk

While the situation is clearly hard for the parent, therapists recommend they take a step back and consider that their son is probably struggling quite a bit at the moment, too.

“Are these current behaviours new, or are they out of character? I would want to know more about how your family have communicated in the past – do things get heated?” asks Counselling Directory member Octavia Landy.

She recommends setting a specific time for a family meeting and, in the first instance, talking with the son about what is happening for him. The parent needs to find out: how is he? Is he struggling at the moment? What would he like to happen in his life?

During this conversation, the parent can also talk to their son about how it feels for them when he is not pulling his weight, and how it’s impacting the rest of the family, she suggests.

This isn’t a finger-pointing exercise, so at the same time the parent can remind their son that they care – this could be as simple as asking him what he needs or figuring out how the family can work towards this goal together. Empathy is key.

“It sounds like he is feeling lost and needs to make some changes, perhaps he feels overwhelmed,” adds the therapist.

2. Be prepared to listen calmly

When things get heated – which they can in these scenarios – it can be easy to just storm off and not really hear each other out. But every effort needs to be made, on both sides, to properly listen.

“As the parents, you will need to model consistency and keep calm,” suggests Landy.

“Bring the conversation back to the matter at hand, reiterate what you need to change, but also listen to your son. It sounds like there is something deeper happening for him, and by connecting on a new level, you can support each other and work together.”

3. Set clear boundaries

“Boundaries and communication lie at the heart of this dilemma,” says counsellor Georgina Sturmer, addressing the parent directly.

“At the moment, it feels as if the lack of boundaries is leading to a sense of anger and resentment on your part. It sounds like it might be time for you to communicate more effectively, ‘adult to adult’, about how you want your relationship to be.”

The Counselling Directory member also suggests a bit of self-reflection on how the relationship with the son has changed since he became an adult.

“Consider what your boundaries look like,” adds Sturmer. “How do you communicate with him about what constitutes acceptable behaviour?”

It’s also important to figure out where the partner stands on all this, because if there’s disagreement over how is best to handle the situation, it could fuel the son’s behaviour further.

As there wasn’t really a clear cut establishing of boundaries when the son moved back in, now is the time to lay down the law and sweep any uncertainty under the rug.

“Work together to establish ground rules and a timeline for these to be reviewed. It will be important to check in with him on how things are progressing,” adds Landy.

4. Ask yourself what you need to feel happy in your home

Sturmer suggests the parent should ask themselves what they need in order to be able to feel happy and safe in their home – and the answer might be a difficult one to come to terms with.

“It might be that this means that you need to ask him to leave,” she says. “If this triggers fears about him becoming homeless, then address these fears directly.

“Perhaps you can find a way to work together on a timeframe for him to leave home. Or if you don’t feel able to ask him to leave, start setting stricter ‘ground rules’, based on what you might expect from an adult living in your home.

“This can shift the dynamic from ‘parent to child’ to ‘adult to adult’. Even though he may always be your baby, remember that he is an adult, and he deserves to have an opportunity to be independent.”

Ultimately, communicating clearly, really listening to each other, and setting firm boundaries (and timelines) will be key in making all of this work.

Landy concludes: “Change needs to happen, and whilst that can be scary, by working together you can hopefully support your son to stand on his own again, without having to ask him to leave.”

Help and support:

  • Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
  • Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI – this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
  • CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
  • The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
  • Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.
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