‘I Was An Estranged Child. Here’s What I Wish Parents Knew About Going No-Contact’

Posted on 21/01/2026 by Boris Clair

Estrangement, and especially the estrangement of adult children from their parents, has been a big topic in the past few months.

Oprah Winfrey invited a panel of therapists to talk about the “rising trend” of estrangement on her podcast, for instance. One of the experts controversially blamed “therapy” for “inflammatory reactions” to parents’ behaviour.

And Sir David and Victoria Beckham’s relationship with their son Brooklyn has proven, well, rocky in the past year, too.

We don’t know the particulars of that case for sure.

But with so much attention around the topic of estrangement, we spoke to Dorcy Pruter, the founder of the Conscious Co-Parenting Institute, who began her business after reconnecting with her father following years of estrangement.

Here, she shared “the hard truth most [estranged] parents aren’t ready to hear (at least not at first)”.

“Going no-contact is never the first choice”

Some parents may feel blindsided by their grown-up child going no-contact.

But “going no-contact is never the first choice,” Pruter said. “It’s the last resort of a child who didn’t feel safe, seen, or sovereign in the relationship.”

She added that there is often no single moment that leads to a break.

Instead, “it begins with small moments of emotional misattunement. Dismissed feelings. Subtle control. A child becomes the parents’ emotional regulator.

“It can look like ‘loving too much’ or ‘doing everything for them,’ when in reality, the parent may have unknowingly made their child responsible for their self-worth.”

For the parent, she said, they might really feel they gave their child everything.

“So when a parent finds themselves mystified by estrangement, the most powerful question they can ask is not ‘What went wrong?’ but: ‘What truth did my child not feel safe enough to tell me?’

“Is it helpful to reflect? Yes, but only if the reflection is rooted in curiosity, not guilt or blame. Parents must be willing to trade the need to be ‘right’ for the courage to reconnect. That means listening to the silence not as a punishment, but as a message.”

How can I tell if my grown-up child is distancing themselves from me, and what can I do if they go no-contact?

Another reason parents might feel shocked by their child’s distance, Pruter told us, is that they struggle to notice early signs of disconnection for what it really is.

“There are often early signs of withdrawal, short or transactional conversations, and emotional distance, but many parents miss them because they interpret that distance as rudeness or ingratitude, rather than disconnection,” she said.

And if your child has already gone no-contact, she recommended taking that as an opportunity to “heal [your] own wounds, take radical responsibility, and become safe for their child again, even if that child never returns.

“I often tell my clients that reconnection isn’t about changing your child’s mind. It’s about transforming your own heart.”

Kids And Teen Accounts On YouTube Are Changing – Here’s What Parents Should Know

Posted on 14/01/2026 by Boris Clair

YouTube has revealed it’s changing children’s accounts in the UK to help parents keep kids safer online.

The update comes as the UK government faces growing calls to follow in Australia’s footsteps and ban social media for under-16s.

A petition to ban it has garnered 25,000 signatures (at the time of writing) and prime minister Keir Starmer has now said he’s open to the idea of a similar ban here in the UK.

In a bid to improve the wellbeing of young users, YouTube has revealed parents will now be able to set time limits for scrolling Shorts, and will also enable caregivers to set bedtime and break reminders.

Parents will be able to set limits for scrolling Shorts

As part of the Online Safety Act, social media companies have a duty to protect children and stop them from accessing harmful or age-inappropriate content. Sites can face fines or be blocked in the UK if they don’t take protective steps.

The social media and online video sharing platform is also launching new ‘Quality Principles’ for content creators, developed alongside experts, to ensure videos created for teens are “age-appropriate” and “enriching”.

What are the quality principles?

Professor Peter Fonagy, head of the division of psychology and language sciences at UCL, which partnered with YouTube to provide evidence-based insights on adolescent development, said: “The mental health of children and young people is a global concern, and in the digital age the content teens encounter online can have both positive and negative impacts.”

He said the new quality principles will give creators a “practical, research-informed roadmap for making videos that are developmentally appropriate, emotionally safe, and genuinely supportive of young people”.

The principles include:

Joy, fun and entertainment: Show humour and warmth that lift teens’ moods like a day-in-the-life video or funny, self-accepting outtakes.
Curiosity and inspiration: Encourage exploration through creative tutorials, behind-the-scenes demos, or new hobbies that are easy to try.
Deepening interests and perspectives: Create deeper dives into subjects teens love, like music, gaming, or fashion, and show process, not just outcomes.
Building life skills and experiences: Offer relatable guidance for real-life moments, like teamwork or budgeting, to help them prepare for the future.
Credible information that supports well-being: Share accurate, age-appropriate information. Use trusted sources and avoid spreading misinformation.

Tell me more about the screentime limits…

YouTube said parents will be able to set time limits for scrolling Shorts – including having the option to set the timer to zero.

This gives parents flexibility to set the Shorts feed limit to zero when they want their teen to use YouTube to focus on homework, for example.

Or they could change it to 60 minutes during a long car trip to keep kids entertained.

Parents can also set custom Bedtime and Take a Break reminders.

There’s also a new account-making process

This has been designed to make it easier for parents to create a new kid account and switch between family accounts in the mobile app, depending on who’s watching, so they’re shown the most appropriate content for their age.

Dr Garth Graham, global head of YouTube Health, said: “We believe in protecting kids in the digital world, not from the digital world. That’s why providing effective, built-in tools is so essential, as parents play a critical role in setting the rules for their family’s online experiences.”

According to the social media giant, the updates will be rolling out from 14 January and will expand globally over the coming months.

‘I Told My Son I Knew He Was Gay, My Daughter Said I Made A Big Mistake’

Posted on 12/11/2025 by Boris Clair

A parent has sparked debate over their choice to address their son’s sexuality with him directly – after finding out he had been romantically involved with another man.

The 62-year-old said their wife died a decade ago and, in her absence, he’s tried “to be a more nurturing presence for my kids”.

When attending church, he found out through a friend that his son, who’s in his twenties, had become romantically involved with another man.

“At first I was just surprised, but after I digested the news I was concerned that he clearly didn’t feel able to share this important part of his life with me,” said the parent in a Reddit post.

“We live in a more conservative part of the US and I am an active churchgoer, and we had never really discussed sexuality as a family. As such, I was concerned that he thought I would disown him or something: when in reality, I just love him and want him to find the happiness I had with his mother, whatever form that takes.”

Rather than wait for his son to approach him about it, he decided to address it directly with him, “so he knew I loved and supported him and he didn’t have to worry about telling me”.

“I invited him over for a beer, told him what I knew, and expressed as best I could that it wasn’t something he needed to hide from me,” said the parent, who noted that after his son’s initial shock, he hugged him and told him he appreciated it.

“I felt like the conversation went well and I was closer to him,” he added.

The story doesn’t end there however, as when his daughter found out what had happened, she told him he’d made “a big mistake” and warned that he’d “robbed” his son of the opportunity to come out in his own time.

“I really didn’t get the impression my son felt that way about our conversation, and she didn’t hear from him that he feels that way, but she says it’s obvious he’d be upset,” said the parent.

“So now I’m wondering if I’ve been an asshole telling him I knew? And if so, what I should do next?”

Was he in the wrong to approach his son about this?

Society’s default setting is often to assume someone is heterosexual, which means anyone who isn’t might feel they have to “come out” and share their sexuality with others. This can bring with it a range of emotions, including fear and anxiety, but also relief and excitement.

Whether someone comes out or not is their own personal choice – and they shouldn’t feel the need to do this before they’re ready.

That said, some have praised the father for how he handled this scenario.

One Redditor said: “Personally, as a lesbian who has really religious parents who I was terrified to come out to, I think what you did was lovely.”

Gay men also commented to say he “did good”. One person replied: “Gay here. NTA [not the asshole]. Robbing someone of coming out? That’s like robbing me of being drunk driver hit with a car. You didn’t rob anything. You did a great thing.”

Another respondent said: “Being forced out by someone else is unsettling (trust me, I know) and often dangerous. But this isn’t that. This is just a father saying to a son ‘I love you, gay, straight or purple dinosaur’ and sister needs to stay the hell in her lane.”

What a therapist thinks…

Bhavna Raithatha, BACP accredited psychotherapist and author, said there is “no manual for how to approach such a situation”.

“We don’t know the son’s reaction or response, however from experience, both personally and professionally, there can be immense relief in such a situation as for many, it is hardest for them to come out to their parents due to a variety of reasons including culture, religion, societal norms for them,” she said.

“For this father, he did what he felt was supportive. His intervention will have provided a safe place for his son – albeit sooner than the son might have felt ready, and that is something that can be discussed in due course.”

She noted that for parents in this position, another approach could be to wait until your child approaches you, while creating a safe space. So, if sexuality comes up in the media, on a show, or in conversation, her advice is to be open to discussing it, show that you are supportive, and use affirmative language.

The therapist acknowledged that there may also “be a myriad of emotions that come up as well as concerns, [as] the world still has an issue with LGBTQ+ people”.

“There are a huge number of variables to consider for a parent – their own feelings around sexuality, their religion, culture, family dynamics and their OWN sexuality which may be hidden, etc.”

She advised seeking out resources to educate yourself, such as through support groups like fflag.org.uk.

As for what the father should do now, BACP member Dr Paul C. Mollitt said the important thing is to continue being there for his son. “For now, it helps to centre his feelings, not your own – however difficult that might be. What matters most is that he feels safe, loved, and accepted as he is,” he said.

“In time, when he does talk to you, there may be space to explore what made it hard for him to open up.

“But for now, relating to him with warmth and genuine interest in his life, language that signals openness, and affection that doesn’t change will provide the conditions for him to share more about his personal life when he is ready.”

Revealed: This Age Group Of Boys Is Most Vulnerable To Online Abuse

Posted on 11/10/2025 by Boris Clair

The online world is vast – and while it can both educate and entertain kids for hours on end, there are murkier areas where they need to tread much more carefully.

New research from safety experts at McAfee has uncovered the most common online threats facing British children, including: cyberbullying, inappropriate contact and scams.

The study of over 4,300 parents found one in six say their child has been targeted by an online threat in the UK.

The highest risk group is 12-year-old boys, with almost a third (32%) being targeted.

For girls, online dangers tend to emerge later, with reports steadily climbing through the teens and peaking at age 16, where more than one in five parents (22%) say their daughter has been targeted.

What are the most common online threats facing children?

According to the research, cyberbullying or harassment from peers (48%) is the number one threat. Nearly half of UK parents say their child has experienced cyberbullying, while one in three (35%) ranking it in their top three worries.

Cyberbullying can include mean comments, exclusion from online groups or spreading harmful rumours, often through social media platforms.

Scams are also a huge problem – particularly fake social media giveaways or contests (33%), which purport to be giving away gaming consoles, smartphones or designer products.

Children are lured into clicking fraudulent links or providing personal information, with boys aged 13-15 particularly vulnerable.

Similarly, online gaming can be a hotbed for scams. Over a quarter (27%) of parents report their child has been affected by gaming-related fraud, such as fake offers for in-game currency, exclusive items or upgrades.

Scammers often pose as fellow players, using familiarity and trust to get children to share passwords or personal info.

There are also concerns about unsafe or inappropriate contact. One in four UK parents say their child has received inappropriate contact online, with girls being more frequently targeted (29% versus 21% for boys). Unknowns might try to initiate conversations with children via direct messages, chat rooms or even multiplayer gaming platforms.

And lastly, scam messages or phishing texts (21%) – designed to trick recipients into divulging sensitive information, such as passwords, bank details or personal data – are a problem.

Girls are significantly more likely to experience this (29%) than boys (14%), the study found, with those aged 16-18 most at risk.

The rise of AI-generated scams

Worryingly, parents are also noticing a rise in the use of AI-generated deepfakes and nudify technology. Nearly one in six UK parents say their child has experienced deepfake image or nudify app misuse.

Girls are facing this threat the most – 21% of parents say their daughter has been impacted, compared to just 11% for sons.

Boys are more likely to be targeted by AI-generated voice cloning scams, instead – where fraudsters use AI to mimic the voice of loved ones through phone calls, voicemails or voice notes.

Recently, experts advised families to come up with a “safe phrase” so they can tell if a phone call or message is an AI-generated scam or not.

Understandably, when children are impacted by these online threats, the emotional and psychological effects are significant and can include anxiety, academic struggles and social withdrawal.

How to keep kids safe

It’s clear parents need to be having ongoing conversations with their kids about online safety. (Check out these helpful guides from Internet Matters and the NSPCC if you need somewhere to start.)

But what else can we be doing to keep kids safe? Here are McAfee’s top tips:

Pair tools with talks: Combine parental controls with regular, judgement-free conversations about harmful content, coercion or bullying so your children know they can come to you. Explain what cyberbullying and scams might look like, and that it’s okay to block or report people.
Teach “trust but verify”: Show balanced digital habits yourself as children copy what they see. Show them how to pause, check sources and ask for help when something feels off – especially with AI-altered media.
Talk about the risks of oversharing: Remind children never to share personal information such as their name, school, address or phone number. Encourage strong passwords and explain two-factor authentication.
Set and revisit a family tech contract: Create clear boundaries with kids about screen time, online behaviour, and device use – and update them as your child grows.
Keep devices secure: Ensure all devices are updated with the latest security settings and include AI-powered scam protection to help spot and flag suspicious links or manipulated content before it can do harm.

This 1 Child Psychology Lesson Will Make You A Better Parent – And Improve Every Relationship You Have

Posted on 04/10/2025 by Boris Clair

Want to be a better parent, friend or colleague?

There’s a simple lesson from psychologists that you can adopt right now to improve your relationships – no matter the age of the person who is confusing or upsetting you. It’s the difference between assuming the best or the worst in people, also known as the most or least generous interpretations.

“Most of us jump right to an ‘LGI’: the least generous interpretation,” said Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and author of Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, who has helped to popularise these terms.

That’s because we likely grew up with people who taught us “to associate bad behaviour with bad intentions or being a bad person,” Kennedy said.

Even trained psychologists like Kennedy deal with this impulse. “When my child snaps or ignores me, my brain automatically goes to: ‘They’re being defiant. They don’t respect me.’”

“I’ve had to train myself to pause and ask: ’What’s the most generous interpretation here? Maybe they’re tired. Maybe they’re overwhelmed. Maybe they don’t yet have the words for what they’re feeling, and so their out-of-control behaviour is the only way to let me know what’s going on.“

It can take some time, but once you learn to make this switch, you might be surprised by how differently you see every toddler tantrum – or miscommunication by a friend or partner.

“That tiny mindshift changes everything,” Kennedy explained. “It doesn’t mean I excuse behaviour. … Ironically, we have to understand a behaviour to help someone change their behaviour.”

Why ‘most generous interpretation’ works so well with adults and kids

Are you practicing an "MGI" or an "LGI"? It can make all the difference. — Are you practicing an “MGI” or an “LGI”? It can make all the difference.

“MGI isn’t just a parenting trick – it’s a life skill,” Kennedy said, because it forces us to separate who someone is from what they are doing and put their behaviours in perspective. When you use it on kids, you get to be the curious, empathetic adult you want kids to grow up to be.

“Kids learn: People can get it wrong sometimes, and there’s often more going on for someone than meets the eye,” Kennedy said. “Because when you help your kid realise they can be curious about their behaviour instead of meeting it right away with judgment and blame, curiosity is what allows them to reflect and move forward in a productive way – whereas shame and blame keep us frozen and make it very difficult to change.”

And it applies to adults, too. With couples, using a more generous interpretation of someone’s behaviour can help bridge divides after doubts and betrayals.

“When I work with couples in therapy, I will ask clients directly: ‘Do you detect malice in what your partner is saying?’” said Brendan Yukins, a licensed clinical social worker and relational therapist at The Expansive Group. “Often when we directly ask ourselves if we think someone is doing something on purpose, we see that ‘LGI’ is an illusion that our brain is casting to protect us from being harmed again. Realising that someone else is trying their best to love us can lead to deep, meaningful healing.“

And it also makes us see “bad friend behaviour” with more understanding eyes. Kennedy gave the example of a friend being late to meet up with you. In this case, the least generous interpretation is to think, “She doesn’t value my time,” and feel judged and distant as a result.

But what if you took the “most generous interpretation” approach? If instead you think, “‘She might be juggling a lot today,’ you’re more likely to feel connected and understood,” Kennedy said.

Once you embody this mindset, you can help be the change you wish to see in others.

It’s OK to use the ‘least generous interpretation’ sometimes, too

Your least generous interpretation is a neurological connection that gets hardwired every time you think the worst of someone. Yukins said it’s “an expression of our anxiety in trusting others.” That’s why it’s good to challenge these negative beliefs.

“If you are able to disrupt the signal, even a little bit, it gives your brain a fraction of a second to catch itself before going into an anxiety spiral,” he said.

“In my own life, I use ‘abducted by aliens’ when someone’s late for a meeting,” Yukins said. “It takes me out of the drudgery of everyday and introduces a playful element that keeps my brain open to interpretation.”

Of course, sometimes it’s more than OK to stop giving adults the benefit of the doubt, especially when they continually disrespect or mistreat you.

“Cycles of abuse or neglect often feature a hurtful person who insists that others continue to give them MGI even when they deserve LGI,” Yukins said.

He noted that if you suspect someone is purposefully hurting you, this is when it’s all right to set boundaries and reclaim your time: “Maybe leave the last text you sent without a follow-up, or schedule a self-care night if they seem hesitant to put you on their schedule.”

MGI is a muscle you can build every day for your wellbeing

Many kids and adults have good intentions that our brains overlook. Using an MGI mindset helps you learn this for yourself.

“The key is not deceiving your brain into trusting everyone,” Yukins said. “Rather, it’s to use MGI over and over again until you find through your own research that most people have the best intentions.”

It won’t just help with how you view others. It will help you be more gentle and understanding with yourself as well.

“Our natural inclination if our trust has been broken is to assume the worst of others,” Yukins said. But when we keep jumping to the worst conclusion of people’s behaviours, “Eventually, we will begin to distrust our own intentions. This can make the world smaller.”

And the great part of this psychology lesson is how you can start using it right away.

Kennedy equates MGI to a muscle. “We have to work it out and build that muscle in calm moments to have a greater likelihood of being able to flex it in the heat of the moment,” she said.

Meltdowns In Kids With AuDHD Are Never A ‘Choice’ – Trying This With Your Child Might Help

Posted on 01/10/2025 by Boris Clair

Every parent knows how difficult it can be when their child is struggling to regulate themselves.

But for parents of children with AuDHD – those who are both autistic and have ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) – it can be especially tough to navigate emotional outbursts that seem to come out of nowhere.

In my experience, understanding the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum is crucial in knowing how to respond – and how to help.

What’s the difference?

A tantrum is a way of expressing frustration or attempting to get something. It is typically goal-oriented and usually the child has some control over it – for example, if they get what they want, they are usually able to calm down.

A meltdown is not a choice. It’s a neurological response to overwhelm – whether that’s too much sensory input, emotional stress, or cognitive demand.

Meltdowns are associated with the range of intense emotional regulation challenges that can accompany AuDHD. Importantly, meltdowns stem from a loss of control, not a desire to gain it.

An emotional safety plan can help

An emotional safety plan is a proactive, collaborative tool that helps children identify their emotions, recognise their triggers, and explore personalised strategies for managing distress.

It can be as simple as a colourful chart or journal page created together with your child, divided into spaces to note what each emotional state looks and feels like, what might have caused it, and what helped in those moments.

Involving your child in building their plan is key: it not only gives them a sense of ownership, but also helps them reflect on their own needs, feel heard, and develop vital self-awareness skills over time.

This can provide children with the tools to “name it to tame it”, putting words to feelings, to help reduce distress. This can be empowering, in addition to providing a sense of validation and control.

Key emotional states you can map together

Here are some common emotional states your child may experience, and ways you can support them through each one:

Hyper-arousal (meltdowns)

A meltdown is an intense, involuntary reaction to being overwhelmed, often as a result of stress and exhaustion. It may present physically, such as kicking or self-harming; verbally, such as screaming or shouting; and/or emotionally, such as through crying.

Meltdowns are highly individual and situational, with many potential causes, such as sensory overload, changes in routine, loud environments, and an inability to communicate effectively.

Co-regulation is a highly effective strategy to manage a child’s meltdown – stay calm and regulate yourself, while validating their experiences.

Reducing demands and sensory input, such as turning off lights or providing noise-cancelling headphones, can also be very helpful.

Establishing a safe physical space and toolkit for when a meltdown occurs, tailored to an individual’s needs, can provide an important foundation of safety.

Identifying potential triggers can flag opportunities to plan effectively, such as by using visual aids to plan transitions or changes.

Dysregulation (overwhelm)

Dysregulation is linked with overwhelm, such as from sensory input, emotional demands, or social expectations. Masking (suppressing natural responses to ‘fit in’) takes a toll on the nervous system, often resulting in emotional outbursts when this becomes unsustainable.

For example, a common scenario is when an AuDHD child arrives home from school and ‘releases’ overwhelm in a ‘safe’ environment, having masked all day. This can be referred to as the ‘shaken Coke bottle’ effect, where dysregulation builds up pressure internally, until this becomes external.

Overwhelm could appear as ‘naughty’ or ‘rude’ behaviour, which may be more accurately described as decompressing and adjusting.

Identifying these experiences with your child can help signpost potential strategies for support. For example, providing predictable decompression time before any conversations or demands after arriving home from school, or predictable rituals, can provide space for healthy decompression.

‘Normal’/balanced

Many AuDHD children grow up feeling like they need to adapt to what others expect – smiling when distressed, hiding self-soothing activities, or mimicking social behaviours, for example. This can make it difficult for them to understand what they actually need, or what it feels like to be authentically themselves.

Helping them to identify their own version of ‘normal’ (by identifying situations where they feel safe to unmask) and their sensory preferences can empower them to know their own baseline. This enables them to better recognise dysregulation, including when and how to seek support.

Reframing masking in this way can help AuDHD children (and adults) understand the difference between harmful suppression and strategic adaptation in masking, moving towards conscious choices, as opposed to involuntary reactions.

Dysregulation (numbness)

Not all dysregulation looks explosive – sometimes, it can manifest as becoming numb, distant, or zoned out, failing to follow instructions. This stress response may be a form of dissociation, where the brain temporarily disconnects to protect itself from overwhelm or perceived danger.

Such behaviours may be misunderstood as ‘rudeness’, ‘laziness’ or ‘not paying attention’, when the individual is in fact likely freezing up mentally and physically.

Triggers could include high pressure environments (such as classrooms), feeling criticised or misunderstood, or sensory overload, which builds up slowly.

Helping children to identify that these experiences aren’t ‘normal’ – or their fault – can be empowering. This can not only enable children to identify early warning signals, but also helpful activities to move through such states.

For example, creating mindfulness routines, such as counting breaths or colours, can help to centre their focus, in addition to identifying tools such as fidget toys to offer grounding through sensory input.

As a parent, providing non-intrusive presence, or grounding activities such as a firm hug (if your child is comfortable with this) can be highly effective. Ultimately, compassion can help them move into a state of safety.

Hypo-arousal (or shutdown)

Hypo-arousal is an intense state of nervous system under-action, often referred to as a shutdown. This is an internalised response, where the body and brain effectively go into ‘power-saving mode’ to survive overwhelm, effectively switching off.

Although highly individual, signs of shutdown can include selective mutism, where they become unable to speak. Children might become non-responsive, and extremely fatigued, withdrawing from interaction or situations and becoming detached from their surroundings.

Triggers for this involuntary response could include being told off, a lack of sleep, or an inability to communicate their needs. Certain sensory stimuli – such as smells, lights, noises, textures or movements – could also result in a shutdown.

In all situations, it’s crucial to prioritise the safety and wellbeing of the child, such as gently guiding them to a less stimulating, safe environment, and respecting their personal space. Avoiding pressure, such as to talk or communicate, is important, and pre-identifying alternative communication methods such as hand signals can be highly effective.

Practicing grounding and self-soothing techniques in a safe environment, such as deep breathing, or identifying calming activities such as colouring or journaling, can also help to form the basis of an emotional safety plan.

These plans can help empower children

Every child’s experience will be very different, but they likely already have a lifetime of experiences to draw upon and identify their own unique triggers and strategies that have helped them.

Having a step-by-step list of things to do in situations that trigger emotional dysregulation can be a highly empowering touchpoint, especially within states of overwhelm.

Just like you wouldn’t be able to stop crying just because someone told you to, neither can children – especially when they’re AuDHD. However, these plans can bridge the gap, providing a window into their invisible experiences, enhancing awareness and empathy.

Ultimately, kindness and understanding are key to supporting AuDHD children. Avoiding judgement, demonstrating reassurance and providing well-informed, tailored support is key to creating environments where AuDHD children can thrive – not just survive.

The experiences I’ve mentioned above are not ‘bad’ – they are simply part of a normal reaction to a world that isn’t designed for their unique neurological makeup, but all AuDHD children deserve to feel happy, safe, and empowered as they are.

Leanne Maskell is the founder and director of ADHD coaching company ADHD Works, and the author of AuDHD: Blooming Differently – a new book offering practical help and advice for AuDHD individuals and those who support them.

These 6 Habits Will Transform Your Relationship With Your Adult Kids

Posted on 15/09/2025 by Boris Clair

Being a parent to an adult child is certainly different from raising a toddler, a school-age kid or even a teenager. What they needed from you five, 10 or 20 years ago isn’t what they need from you today.

If your bond with your adult child isn’t where you want it to be, don’t despair. We asked therapists who deal with family issues to share the most significant things parents can do to create a happier, healthier relationship with their grown kids.

Here’s what we learned.

1. Stop giving unsolicited advice

When your adult child comes to you with an issue about their career, their relationship or their own kids, it’s easy to assume they’re seeking your trusted input on the matter. But consider that they may just be looking for a compassionate ear.

The best way to find out what they need is to ask, “Are you looking for advice or are you wanting to vent?” said Dallas marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein.

Adult children “may not want consistent feedback on their choices,” Epstein told HuffPost. “If parents can embrace only offering advice when asked, and learn the skills to listen thoughtfully, their relationship will almost certainly strengthen.”

Winifred Reilly, a marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, California, said it’s important to “stay in your lane” as the parent of an adult child.

“There was a time when we could pick our kids up under one arm and carry them out of the playground. It was our job to call all the shots,” Reilly, who is also the author of “It Takes One to Tango,” told HuffPost. “Once they’re adults, we need to be literally and figuratively more hands off.”

“Once they’re adults, we need to be literally and figuratively more hands off.”

– Winifred Reilly, marriage and family therapist

That doesn’t mean you don’t play an important role in their life anymore. It just means your role has transitioned to “more of a trusted adviser,” Reilly said.

“Instead of, ‘Here’s what I think you should do,’ a better and more respectful move is, ‘Would you like to hear my thoughts on that?’” Reilly said.

“When invited, we can say what we’re thinking and ask what they’re thinking. When we’re not invited, it’s a good idea not to chime in,” said. “The overall message needs to be one of love and respect, even if we don’t fully agree with their decisions.”

2. Show your child that you believe they’re capable of handing difficult situations

On a related note, West Los Angeles clinical psychologist David Narang said that one of the keys to building a strong relationship with your grown kids is to think of yourself as “a sounding board for a powerful adult,” instead of “the rescuer of a helpless child”.

In other words, you should operate under the assumption that your child is capable of tackling the difficult situation at hand, he said.

A common mistake among parents of adult kids is “getting too caught up in” the struggles their child is facing, Narang said. Perhaps you’re a parent who is hell-bent on getting your child to follow your advice. Or maybe you get so worked up about the situation that it makes your already stressed-out child even more overwhelmed, he said.

At this stage of life, your value as a parent is “in your capacity to withstand the suffering that your child is trying to tolerate,” Narang added.

His advice? Allow your child to “air out their distress,” and keep the conversation focused on them. Then, help them arrive at their own solutions.

“As a parent, your understanding of your child’s suffering carries unique power to help him or her feel supported,” Narang said. “Similarly, your awareness of your child’s inner strength has a unique impact to help your child see that strength in him- or herself, especially given your memory of all the times you have witnessed that strength.”

Taking this approach will help bring you and your child closer “because they will feel your support while still experiencing themself as a competent adult,” he said.

These habits should help you create a better relationship with your adult children.

3. Stop playing the blame game and focus on repair instead

Blaming yourself – or your child – for the cracks in your relationship isn’t going to make things better between the two of you.

Instead of pointing fingers, “turn blame into responsibility to do better in the future,” licensed mental health counsellor Tracy Vadakumchery, also known as The Bad Indian Therapist, told HuffPost.

“Your child knows that you did your best,” Vadakumchery said. “Them bringing up their issues with you does not mean they think you’re a bad parent.”

“If your urge is to blame somebody as part of your problem-solving, it’s important that you recognise this as a defence mechanism for feelings of guilt,” she said. “What if there’s no one to blame? Blaming is shaming and accomplishes nothing.”

It’s more productive to focus on repairing your bond: apologise sincerely for any hurt you’ve caused, and make a promise to do things differently moving forward.

And if you’re not already working with a therapist, finding a mental health professional you can talk to “might not be a bad idea,” Vadakumchery said.

4. Do a relationship check-in

You might assume no news is good news as the parent of a grown kid. If your adult child hasn’t raised any issues lately, you figure things must be fine between you. Or perhaps you sense the relationship isn’t on good footing, but you’re not sure where things went wrong.

In any case, doing a relationship check-in – where you have “a big-picture conversation about the health of the relationship” – is a great step to take, Epstein said.

“Checking in can include questions like, ‘How does our relationship feel to you?’ ‘Do you enjoy our conversations?’ ‘What do you enjoy most or least?’ ‘Do you feel supported?’” she said.

Initiating a check-in demonstrates that you’re open to hearing feedback and having potentially difficult conversations, and that you’re willing to make changes to your behaviour in order to improve your connection.

“In some families, parents dictate how their relationship with their adult children should look and enforce it through a sense of obligation. They explain expectations to their child without ever asking the child what they want from the relationship,” Epstein wrote in a recent blog post for Psychology Today.

“An audit like this one instead signals a desire to get to know your adult child’s needs within the relationship and to commit to a bond that works for both of you.”

A relationship check-in is a powerful way to improve your bond with your adult child.

5. Avoid telling your adult child how they should think or feel

If you have a more challenging relationship with your grown kid and they finally open up to you about something, “know that it took a lot for them to feel comfortable enough to do that,” Vadakumchery said.

“How you respond will either confirm or deny their belief: ‘That’s why I don’t tell you anything,’” she said.

That means steering clear of phrases that discount or minimize their experience, like “That didn’t happen,” “Don’t feel that way” or “I’m sorry you feel that way,” Vadakumchery said.

“While it’s true that memory can be unreliable, even if you’re right, telling your child that what they experienced didn’t happen will not only make them feel unheard or unseen, but you’re training them to not trust their intuition and not come to you about things,” she said. “Listen first before responding.”

And remember that most arguments between two people who care about each other are typically more about underlying feelings than they are about the topic at hand, Vadakumchery noted.

“Instead of focusing on the details, focus on their emotions,” she said. “If you don’t know what to say, sometimes the best response is to just be there. You don’t necessarily have to say anything. Just show that you’re listening.”

6. Honour – and encourage – boundaries in the relationship

Adult children may set boundaries with their parents around certain charged topics of conversation, like their appearance, finances or career choice. Or the boundaries may be physical ones, like “Please call before stopping by the house,” Epstein said.

Rather than bristling at these requests, “parents can listen and honor those boundaries and even commend their child for standing up for what they need to make the relationship work,” she said.

It may help to remember that the intention of boundaries is to help people connect in better, healthier ways. So your child establishing some guidelines isn’t an effort to push you away ― it’s a way to create more honesty and trust in the relationship that will hopefully bring you closer together.

Well-Intentioned Parents Often Say This 1 Common Phrase – And It’s More Damaging Than You Realise

Posted on 08/09/2025 by Boris Clair

Many parents nonchalantly refer to their children, whether babies or adults, as their “best friend”. It can be an offhanded comment about an infant daughter or a declaration to the room at your child’s 30th birthday party.

It’s a phrase that, generally, comes from a good place. But if a parent actually treats their child as a best friend, such as by sharing personal stories or swapping gossip, it can become a problem.

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to spend time with your child and [if] you find that you have fun hanging out with them, that is great, but when you are referring to your child as your best friend, that is a blurring of boundaries,” said Holly Humphreys, a licensed professional counsellor with Thriveworks in Roanoke, Virginia.

This can cause the relationship dynamics to move from parent-child to parent-friend or parent-counsellor, she noted.

“So, you’re actually putting your child into a different category when you say that they’re your best friend, and then that can lead into oversharing of personal details that your child should not know about,” Humphreys noted.

It can also cause problems for both the kid and the parent in other realms, too. Here’s what therapists want you to know:

Your young children should absolutely never be your “best friend”

It’s always a no-no for parents to refer to and treat a young child as their best friend, therapists say. And that’s true whether you have kids in elementary school, middle school, high school or college.

The idea that your young child is “your best friend” may come from a loving place, “but even with good intentions, it points to a deeper issue,” said Carrie Howard, a licensed clinical social worker and anxiety coach.

“Kids need their parents to be their parents. They need [their parents] to be the safe, guiding adults in their lives, not their peers. And when those lines get blurred, it makes it harder to set boundaries and actually parent well,” Howard explained.

If you treat your kid like your best friend, they may not want to listen to you when you do set rules. Or, they may feel pressure to care for you, either emotionally, practically or both. This role-reversal is known as parentification, Howard explained.

“A child can’t be their parent’s best friend without feeling some unspoken pressure to meet the needs of the parent that just aren’t theirs to meet,” said Howard.

“Children aren’t developmentally equipped to be a parent’s primary emotional support system.”

– Kyndal Coote, licensed social worker

Kyndal Coote, a psychotherapist, said when she hears a parent refer to their young child as their best friend, her first concern is the emotional burden that’s falling on the child.

“Children aren’t developmentally equipped to be a parent’s primary emotional support system. They don’t have the tools to do that, their brain is not even developed,” Coote said.

If a child is a parent’s primary emotional support system, the child may feel responsible for managing a parent’s feelings, she noted. “And that is a very, very heavy burden for someone who should just be focused on learning how to manage their own development,” added Coote.

As children get older, this kind of emotional burden can cause the child to feel insecure in their decision-making and lead to guilt when prioritising other relationships, such as romantic partnerships, Coote said.

“When we rely too heavily on our children in adolescence or in childhood, that relationship is just going to continue to be enmeshed as the child grows into an adult child,” said Meredith Van Ness, a psychotherapist and the owner of Meredith Van Ness Therapy.

(Enmeshment is a dysfunctional relationship pattern in which someone lacks boundaries and autonomy in a family.)

The line is a little more blurred with adult children, but they still shouldn’t be your “best friend.”

With adult children, this is a much more nuanced issue and likely depends on the relationship and the family, Van Ness said.

Treating your adult child as your best friend isn’t as damaging as treating a young child that way, because adult children can understand grown-up issues, but it can still be problematic and is not advisable.

“With adult kids, the dynamic is a bit different. Sometimes these relationships can feel very close and even look like a friendship in some ways – you might talk on the phone every day or spend a lot of time together, and that can be really wonderful, but I caution parents not to mistake that closeness for a peer-to-peer best friend relationship,” Howard said.

When your child becomes an adult, they’ll start to have their own relationship woes and other grown-up problems. “And they should still be able to come to you as their parent,” Humphreys said.

More, the parent-child history doesn’t just disappear when a child grows up, which can lead to an imbalance in the so-called “best friendship,” Howard said.

“Think of it this way, in my role as a therapist, ethically, I can’t be friends with my clients when they discharge from treatment, even though we’re both consenting adults, and there’s an important reason for this. It’s really hard to have a truly mutual, healthy, give-and-take relationship when there’s been a significant power differential in the past, like with therapist [and] client or parent and child,“
Howard explained.

Former roles in a relationship leave an imprint, Howard added. “It’s hard to erase that history of who had more power, influence or responsibility in the relationship,” Howard noted.

This can then make the relationship vulnerable to bad boundaries and blurred lines, Howard noted.

Finance adds another power dynamic to this relationship, Van Ness added.

Parents often pay the dinner bill for their grown-up children or give them money for the grandkids. This isn’t so common in friendships.

While it's OK to be friendly and warm to your child, you shouldn't lean on them as you would with a best friend. — While it’s OK to be friendly and warm to your child, you shouldn’t lean on them as you would with a best friend.

There are red flags that the parent-child friendship has gone too far

There can certainly be an aspect of friendship within a parent-child relationship, but you have to understand when that goes too far, Howard said.

“We want to maintain boundaries with our kids … these are long-standing relationships, so we don’t want to infringe on those boundaries by burdening [our kids] with our emotions that we really need to rely on someone else for,” Van Ness said.

If a child, no matter the age, has to become the emotional caretaker of the parent, it’s a red flag that the parent-child friendship has crossed a line, said Van Ness.

“Unfortunately, that happens with young children when parents get divorced,” said Van Ness.

This may look like one divorced parent trying to get a child to “side with them” instead of the other parent, Van Ness said.

Oversharing personal details that your child shouldn’t know is another sign that the relationship isn’t healthy, Humphreys said.

“You should not be going to your child to discuss marital difficulties, problems with other people, that sort of thing,” Humphreys added.

“If you find yourself doing that, then that’s a red flag that you need to have more peer-to-peer relationships,” said Humphreys.

“It’s hard to erase that history of who had more power, influence or responsibility in the relationship.”

– Carrie Howard, licensed clinical social worker and anxiety coach

Instead of reaching out to your child about these things, you should aim to talk to your significant other, a friend, another parent, or a sibling, Humphreys noted.

“You should not be relying on your child to help you get through situations. That puts a lot of pressure on a child, and also, if you are going to them when you’re having marital issues or relationship issues, that puts them in the middle a lot of times with the other parent or the other significant person in your life,” Humphreys said.

If you find yourself getting jealous of your child’s friendships or romantic relationships because you feel threatened by the bond, that’s also a bad sign, Coote said. You should want your child to have other happy and healthy relationships.

If you lean on your parent or child too much for support, there are other places to go

If you think you’ve been leaning on your parent or child a little too hard and treating them as that “best friend” role, it’s OK. In most cases, it comes from a place of love.

“This is everybody’s first human experience, so the first thing I tell parents is, it’s not your fault that you weren’t taught healthy relationship skills and you didn’t have the tools to develop that — most of us didn’t get an education on managing your emotions and [emotional] intelligence and relational intelligence and that sort of thing — but, even if you didn’t get that education and you didn’t have that healthy example, it’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility to do something about it and develop those skills as adults so you don’t unintentionally harm your kids,” said Coote.

The first step in breaking this pattern is developing your own support system, Coote added.

“Do you have healthy adult friendships? Are you good at managing your own emotions independently? Do you know how to regulate your emotions? Can you sit with difficult emotions?” Coote asked.

“You can have warm, loving relationships while still maintaining that role as their parent. It’s almost like mentorship rather than friendship. You’re not their equal, you’ve been on the planet much longer than them, so you really shouldn’t even developmentally feel like they’re equal,” Coote said.

Whether your child is six, 16 or 36, the parent’s job is to “guide them toward independence, not keep them close to meet your emotional needs,” Coote noted.

“Our goal as a parent is to raise our kids so that they can be independent,” Van Ness said.

“We really need to know that our parents are going to be OK without us and that our kids are going to be OK without being in their lives so fully,” said Van Ness.

Leaning on your child (or your parent) as your best friend only puts unfair pressure on them and takes away from all the great aspects that can exist in a parent-child relationship.

My Kids Are Asking About All The England Flags. What Should I Tell Them?

Posted on 30/08/2025 by Boris Clair

English flags are cropping up in towns and cities across much of the country – and even further afield (a village in Wales woke up one morning to find St George’s Cross graffiti plastered across signs and bus stops).

While these flags usually crop up during football tournaments, children are asking why they’re being flown – and in some cases, graffitied, now – and for some parents, they don’t know where to even begin.

Such was the case for one parent who took to Mumsnet to say their children, aged eight and 11 years old, were “asking about the current influx of England flags”.

“How do you explain it?” asked the parent. “I’ve tried to explain it but to be honest I don’t really understand it fully myself, and think I’ve just bumbled out a lot of rubbish that they don’t really get. Any ideas on an age appropriate way?”

While some people say they are being proud and patriotic by flying the flag, given the wider context and division around immigration right now, as well as how the flag has been co-opted by far-right groups, it can be a tricky area for parents to navigate when kids ask what it all means.

Responses were mixed. One commenter said: “In a nutshell people are displaying the flag in what they feel is a rebellious act against a government which doesn’t listen to them or, in fact, care about them in any way at all.”

Another said: “At 8 and 11, I would presume that they have an understanding of racism? I would just explain that there are sadly still a lot of racists around, and that some of them like to express this by flying the flag.

“I would also explain, of course, that there is nothing inherently racist about the flag itself, but that the racists were trying to claim it for their own cause.”

It’s certainly a tricky one – and not something they write about in your average parenting advice books. So, I enlisted the help of a therapist who works with young people, and a clinical psychologist, to advise parents on the best approach to take.

How to talk to kids about the influx of England flags

The issue is the flag has multiple meanings – and not only this, it means different things to different people. While some might see it as a way to say you’re proud to be English, others might see it as a sign of division and hatred.

And this is even more confusing for children.

Fiona Yassin, family psychotherapist and founder of The Wave Clinic, told HuffPost UK: “The double meaning of some flags and symbols can leave children and young people confused.

“It’s important to remember that children are often asking questions from a place of curiosity, not judgement. When a question feels loaded for parents, they may try and defend it, which can create anxiety in parenting.

“Avoid answering questions from this standpoint and try not to parent through the lens of anxiety. Stick to short, understandable sentences and simple, age appropriate explanations.”

Both experts agree that a balanced and open approach is best. But how much detail you offer will depend on the age of your child.

For primary school-age children

Yassin suggested connecting the discussion to real-life examples to help make it more meaningful for a child. For this conversation, parents may want to use the concept of team or house colours at school.

“You could explain that flags are similar to team colours at school. Just like cheering for the purple team on sports day shows that you’re part of a team, a flag can show pride in a place or a group,” she explained.

The therapist said parents could share that being excited about a team or a flag “doesn’t mean that we are better than anyone else” or that “we should leave anyone out”.

“For example, cheering for the purple team doesn’t mean the green, yellow or red teams are less important,” she said.

“Introduce the idea of different messages. You might say ‘Flags can have nice meanings, like being proud of your home, but sometimes people use them to say unkind things about others. It’s important to be kind and inclusive, no matter what team you are in or flag you are waving’.”

Dr Patapia Tzotzoli, clinical psychologist and founder of My Triage Network, told HuffPost UK the goal during these conversations is not to provide a single answer, “but to open a space for dialogue, showing children that it is possible to hold multiple perspectives while keeping compassion at the centre”.

“In this way, they learn that while symbols may sometimes divide or unite, what matters most is treating people with kindness, fairness, and inclusion,” she said.

For tweens and teens

If your child is a bit older, it might also help to ask them what they think the flags mean. “Acknowledge and validate their feelings – whether they find the flags exciting or unsettling – and then explain that symbols can carry different meanings for different people,” said Dr Tzotzoli.

“For example, for some, flags represent pride and belonging, while for others they may bring discomfort because of how flags are being used or have been used in the past.”

Yassin urges parents to be “honest and balanced” when talking to kids about the flags. “Acknowledge that some people use flags to show unity, whilst others may use the same symbols in a way that are not kind or inclusive. Encourage them to think critically rather than telling them what to believe,” she said.

The therapist stressed that “our job as parents is to empower children to be critical thinkers and make solid, valuable decisions, and to do that, we need to provide them with factual information”.

You could discuss values and choices with your child, as part of this discussion. It might be helpful to show them that being part of something – whether that’s a team, a community, or a country – “should involve curiosity, respect, and fairness”, she added.

“It’s okay to celebrate identity, but it should never come at the expense of being unkind or excluding others.”

And if your child does share their viewpoint on the flags, the therapist warns not to “dismiss it”.

“When children express their thoughts on these issues, as parents it’s important we actively listen and validate our child’s experiences. Being present and open for discussion is essential,” she said.

“Ensure they know they will not be judged. Let your child know that there is no question too small or too silly to ask. If we encourage children to talk, we must ensure we meet it with empathy, and reassurance that they will not be judged. If children fear talking to us, it’s unlikely they will come to us when they need help the most.”

What Happens When You ‘Convince’ Your Partner To Have Kids? 4 People Share Their Stories

Posted on 21/08/2025 by Boris Clair

We all know – or know of – a couple who broke up because only one of them wanted children, even if that couple is just Sofía Vergara and Joe Manganiello.

Whether or not to become parents is one of the most important issues for couples to align on – and when they disagree, it can understandably be their undoing.

But life is never that straightforward, and in some cases, one person in the couple can sometimes change their mind about having kids. The other may even make the case to try and “convince” them to reconsider. This sometimes works out for them and sometimes doesn’t, but it’s certainly a fine line to tread.

“Deciding to have children isn’t something anyone should be pushed into,” Teresha Young, an international wellness and relationship coach told HuffPost.

“If a couple talks things through openly and honestly, and a partner decides of their own accord that they now want children, it can be a natural, healthy and positive shift. This often comes from finding common ground as a team, sharing hopes, and imagining a future together.”

We’re using the term “convincing” with a large helping of salt here, because this isn’t about coercion or putting pressure on a partner who simply does not want children. It’s much more nuanced than that.

“If anyone is being emotionally manipulated, guilt-tripped or blackmailed into parenthood, that’s a recipe for disaster,” Young said.

“No one should be forced into making such a significant life decision. That kind of pressure can breed resentment, bitterness, emotional disconnection and withdrawal. It might not surface straight away, but over time it can chip away at the relationship.”

In an ideal world, dating experts would typically advise that people start talking about whether or not they want kids in the long term in the first few dates.

“The conversations should begin with discussing your positive childhood memories, what you loved about how you were raised, and then transition into what you may do differently with your kids,” Spicy Mari, a relationship expert featured on Netflix’s Sneaky Links and founder of The Spicy Life, told HuffPost.

These conversations, Mari said, should take place whether you’re in your 20s or your 40s, especially if you know that you feel strongly one way or the other.

“If anyone is being emotionally manipulated, guilt-tripped or blackmailed into parenthood, that’s a recipe for disaster.”

– Teresha Young, international wellness and relationship coach

Still, people often find themselves in a long-term relationship where they don’t align with their partner on the kids question, whether they didn’t discuss it until they were already invested or one person changed their mind along the way. In this case, Young said to start with curiosity about your partner’s position.

“This is not about proving who is ‘right,’” the expert said. “It’s about listening with empathy, respecting each other’s perspectives, and exploring whether there’s room for alignment without pressure or guilt.”

If these conversations don’t yield any movement on either side, the couple will have to consider whether or not to continue the relationship given this information.

For obvious reasons, this isn’t a decision to take lightly. “Every child deserves to grow up in an environment that feels physically, emotionally and psychologically safe,” said Young. “For that to happen, both people need to genuinely want to become parents. If there’s hesitation or a lack of shared desire, there’s a risk of creating a situation where a child may not have the best chance to thrive.”

HuffPost spoke to people who say they felt they were “convinced” by their partner to have children, whether or not their relationship worked out in the end. Here’s what they told us.

1. The conference bargain

“My husband and I have been together for the past 10 years. On our second date, he said he was looking for something serious and wanted to know if I was looking for the same. I was too busy in my life to invest myself emotionally in a relationship without direction so I gave us a chance.

When I was younger I did not know I wanted children. It wasn’t until the opportunity to have children presented itself that I knew having children would be a natural next step for me. My husband did not have a strong opinion about having children or not having children. He has two children from a previous marriage, so he did not have a sense of urgency.

[He] changed his mind about having a child with me when I was accepted to speak at the International Peace Research Association’s conference in Sierra Leone. He was concerned I would not be safe [as an Iranian American psychologist] traveling to Sierra Leone and tried to convince me not to go. I didn’t see a point in putting my safety first unless I had a child, so my husband agreed to have a child with me.

For this reason, I upheld my end of the bargain by cancelling my speaking engagement at the conference in Sierra Leone. [Today], our 8-year old is funny, dynamic and cute. Parenting is a challenge, yet it is a false dichotomy to think that just because something is not easy that it is not worthwhile.”

— Dr. Azadeh Weber

2. Slow build

“My wife didn’t want kids at first […] because she grew up watching family members who lost their independence after becoming parents. She loved her work, and the idea of trading that in for diapers and sleepless nights didn’t seem like a path she wanted to take. But I really wanted kids. I didn’t pressure her, though.

I started with small conversations, usually while we were doing something relaxed like walking or cooking. I’d say things like, ‘If we had a daughter, I think you’d be the one teaching her how to travel light and figure out any airport like a pro,’ or, ‘I think you’d be the kind of mum who keeps her style and independence, even with a kid on her hip.’

I brought it into our day-to-day in a way that wasn’t heavy. I made changes to show her it didn’t have to look like what she feared. We blocked out full weekends just for ourselves, travelled often, and split all chores. I told her I’d take night shifts if we ever had a baby and that I’d make sure her work still came first when she needed it to. We even talked through how child care would work, who could help us, and what we’d keep doing as individuals and as a couple.

None of it happened in one moment. It was a slow build, always honest. Now we have two kids, and she’s still doing the work she loves, still travelling, still herself. I didn’t convince her with words. I helped her picture a life where having children added to what she already valued, not replaced it.”

— James Myers

Communication is key to making sure that you and your partner are on the same page about what parenthood (or staying child-free) means to you.

3. Technical glitch

“We started dating in September 2020. We were together for a year before he allowed me to meet his daughter. (I always knew I wanted children.) I was one of three and from a very big family. I had also lost a child during a brutal miscarriage in my previous relationship. That kind of made it worse for me, I felt that the only way I could get over that was to have a child that survived. I was painfully aware that time was ticking by when we met so I told him during our first phone call that having children was a ‘dealbreaker’.

He didn’t explicitly tell me no. I think that he tried to on our first date, but I maybe didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want another child as he had raised his daughter on his own from [when she was] five months old. He didn’t want to have to go through all that again when he was just ‘getting his life back’. I didn’t want any stepchildren as that had been my previous situation, and I found it challenging. We blame the app that we met on because we both thought that we had put in our preferences for children.

José discussed it with a friend – his words were, ‘I don’t want another child, but I want her, so that is the price’. We didn’t explicitly have the conversation either that I didn’t want a stepchild, but I knew that his daughter came with him as a package. I think having our own child has brought the four of us together as a family. His daughter now has a baby brother, and he brings so much joy and light into our lives that we all bond over our love for him. It has been the best thing I’ve ever done. And my partner says, ‘I didn’t want this, but now I couldn’t be without him.’

— Sophie Wilson

4. Baby bucket list

“In the beginning of our marriage, my husband worked at an adolescent psychiatric centre. He saw things there that were really hard on him. When I started bringing up that we should start trying, he would get silent and push the subject away. Then one day, he broke the news to me that he didn’t want kids anymore. I felt trapped, as I had always wanted to be a mum, and now I’m married to a guy who is taking that dream away from me.

The next day, I called my husband’s mum and shared with her what he had told me. My in-laws waited a few days and called my husband when they knew I wouldn’t be around. I’m so thankful for that phone call as I know my father-in-law told my husband, ‘You are going to lose her if you don’t give her children. It is your husband responsibility to do so.’

A few weeks later […] I sat down with my husband and explained to him that while I love him so much, I cannot be with someone that I resent for the rest of my life. That was the turning point for us. He finally opened up about the things that he saw at the psychiatric centre and how it scared him to have kids. He told me, ‘I will give you kids, but I just need some more time to get over what I saw.’

Time – OK, I can work with that! We had time. We were only 26 at this point! We worked on a ‘Baby Bucket List’ of things that we wanted to accomplish before we started trying to have kids. The last thing we had on our Baby Bucket List was to go skydiving together. In the plane 10,000 feet up, I looked at him and said, ‘This is the last thing.’

Two months later, we went out for a Christmas Eve dinner, just the two of us. It was there that he looked at me and said, ‘I’m ready. Thank you for waiting.’

We now have two kids, a boy who is 12 and a girl who is 10, and it is wild to me that the scared 20-something guy is the same guy who is helping me raise our kids. Our kids are so lucky to have him as a dad, and I am so blessed to have him as a husband.”

— Natasha Colkmire