Tag Archives: Relationships

Why I Like My Life So Much

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I did some reflection in my journal about why I like my life so much. Here’s what I came up with:

Space for Reflection

I like that my life isn’t overloaded with so much activity. Sometimes I get really busy, but over the course of a year and during most months of the year, I have plenty of time to think, reflect, and ponder.

This month a number of friends told me how much I seem to be a person of deep thought. I do love to think deeply about many different topics, and I’m genuinely curious about so many aspects of life. For someone like me to be happy, I absolutely need abundant space to engage in deep thought.

I can’t really help doing this. Most of the time I’m not even aware of it. It just seems normal to me to keep asking questions about the nature of this reality. I’m always trying to connect more dots and deepen my understanding of how life works.

I feel less happy when I fill my schedule with too much activity and don’t have as much time to think.

I especially love morning runs because they carve out an hour of thinking time each day. One reason I like going for longer runs is that I gain more time to think and ponder.

I find thinking to be a gloriously rewarding activity. It’s been super important for me to create a lifestyle rich in time to think. It definitely makes me happy to have this kind of lifestyle.

Money on the Back Burner

The world of money sometimes interests and excites me, but much of the time I find it rather mundane and boring for my tastes. So I usually prefer to keep this aspect of life in the background instead of the foreground.

I still consider money when making business and life decisions, but I prefer not to base decisions mainly on financial concerns. I’d rather make decisions based on other forms of value, such as appreciation, exploration, or growth.

For me to be happiest, I’ve found it best to see income generation as a problem to be thoroughly solved, so financial concerns don’t get in my way too much.

I like having years’ worth of savings, so even if all of my income switched off suddenly, I could coast for a long time – plenty of time to create new income streams, even if I had to start over in a whole new field from scratch. And even if the savings evaporated, I’ve invested enough in a variety of income skills that I feel that I could replenish it as needed.

“Get the money problem solved once and for all” was something I worked on for many years. I like having this area of life solved well enough that I can give more attention to other aspects of life.

Exploration

I love to explore. I get bored easily, so wandering through different learning experiences is a big part of my life. This also gives me plenty of source material for connection more dots.

Centering my life around exploration and discovery was a terrific choice that has made me way happier than investing in a traditional corporate career.

Interesting Friendships

Friendships are a big source of value for me. I especially like connecting with people who are a bit unusual. I’m often sponging mindsets and ideas from other people, testing them for myself to see how well they work.

I’m good at making new friends quickly. I tend to just assume friendship with new people instead of feeling like we have to go through a long building phase together. I think life is too short to do otherwise.

Having dozens of growth-oriented friends (and hundreds if not thousands of looser connections) makes me a lot happier than when I used to have no growth-oriented friends. I especially like that lots of interesting invitations and ideas flow to me through my friendship network. I appreciate the ongoing stimulation this provides, even though sometimes it feels like the flow is a bit too high, and I have to withdraw a little.

A Wife I Adore

Last but definitely not least, my marriage to Rachelle is a key source of happiness. I appreciate her every day. Being in love for 10+ years is absolutely wonderful.

Every day I get to share the words “I love you” multiple times with someone. What’s not to like about that?

We spent a LOT of time together. It’s rare for us go more than a few hours without interacting, verbally and through touch and affection. Somehow we naturally make each other happier. When people see us together, they can tell we just belong with each other.

Even when we aren’t doing any particular activity, we enjoy each other’s beingness. Spending time together doing just about anything is very satisfying for us. This makes us optimistic for the future too. It’s a special feeling looking forward to spending so many more days together.

These are just some aspects that create happiness in my life that came through while journaling. There are others of course – a healthy lifestyle surely helps – but these have been more top-of-mind for me lately.

What makes you happiest? If you have a happy life, be sure to pause and appreciate what’s going well. And if you’re still working on getting there, see if you can identify what specific changes need to happen to increase your long-term happiness. Then do what it takes to truly solve those problems one by one. Even if it takes years or decades, the time is going to pass anyway. You may as well give the gift of happiness to your future self by investing where it counts.

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Core of Play

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While pondering an update to my mission statement, I was thinking about how to frame relationships, and this line popped into my mind:

My relationships are based on play.

My relationship with Rachelle fits this like a glove, and I think it’s why we’ve had 10+ happy years together. Same goes for my best friendships.

This applies to more than human relationships, like my relationships with work, creative projects, personal growth experiments, writing, speaking, courses, coaching, hobbies, etc. There’s a core of play when the flow is strong and healthy.

When a relationship loses its core of play, it seems to be on its way out and won’t endure, or it devolves into something not worth preserving.

What happens if you reflect upon past relationships with the lens of play? Any insights generated from that?

If you’re considering a transition in some area of life, could it be that the old path lost its core of play (or never had it to begin with)?

Consider the lens that a healthy relationship is really about play. I’m not saying that this is absolutely true. Just look at your past relationships through this lens, and see if it sparks any interesting realizations or reassessments. When you reflect upon the story arc of the relationship with respect to its changing level of playfulness over time, what do you see?

Also consider that you have a relationship with your work. When that relationship loses its core of play, does it ever work?

Consider the ripples that play generates – connection, caring, bonding, happiness, enjoyment, appreciation, respect, cooperation, etc. Those can be valuable in any relationship context – both in work and your personal life.

Injuries can still occur, but in a context of play (like a game), they’re quickly forgiven. When people lose sight of the play aspect, then an injury may be taken more seriously though.

What can be objectively accomplished with a frame of seriousness that can’t also be accomplished at least as well with a frame of play?

One way to think of play is that it maintains the intensity of seriousness but ditches the attachment. It lightens the experience of full engagement, allowing you to focus on the present moment activity without worrying so much about the outcome. The lens of play removes the clinginess without being forced to descend into goofiness.

I’ve always appreciated playful relationships more than others. That’s been true of romantic and sexual relationships, connections with colleagues, coaching or mentoring relationships, friendships, and even random acquaintances. Playfulness elevates the mundane, making it more stimulating but not stressful.

Play can be a tough value to respect unless you test it enough and see what it does for you. When you observe that investing in play generates strong results with good consistency, it’s easier to trust it. Also observe the results you get when you lose the connection to the core of play. Which results do you prefer?

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Seeking the Final Straw

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Here’s an interesting pattern: When people are heading towards a major transition, they often wait for a “final straw” incident before making a move.

In other words they wait until some arbitrary event happens that’s good enough to quality as the final reason that pushes them over the edge.

So an incident happens at work, and that becomes the reason for quitting. Or an event happens in a relationship, and that becomes the reason for breaking up. But of course those events are just catalysts for the transition, not the true reasons for moving on.

These inciting incidents serve as convenient triggers to finally take action to deal with a long-term misalignment. Such events may also be used for the purposes of explanation – to a boss, to a relationship partner, to coworkers, to friends and family members.

It’s hard to justify transitioning. You may feel you need a big enough reason to justify what looks like an extreme action. Otherwise you’ll seem unreasonable or crazy, like your announcement is coming out of the blue. Moreover, you need a reason not to feel guilty afterwards. You may feel better if you can point the finger at someone else for pushing you out and giving you no other option. Then the decision seems like it’s out of your hands – you had to act based on the inciting incident.

The incident can be big, but it doesn’t have to be. Sometimes people latch onto the most trivial of events to use for their final straw moments.

Some unwashed dishes left out could be the final straw that sparks a relationship breakup, but is that the real reason? Even the ensuing argument may not contain the real reasons for the breakup. The final straw event is just a convenience.

This is something to watch for within yourself. Is there any area of your life where you may be waiting for a final straw moment? Are you waiting for your boss, a friend, or a relationship partner to cross some arbitrary line, so you can finally cry foul and transition away from that connection? Is it possible that you’d even feel relieved if such an event occurred, like you finally had permission to move on without looking like the bad guy?

I’ve also seen this pattern come up when people are challenged working on some aspect of their lives. The struggle builds until they’re actively looking for a good enough reason to quit. They just need some kind of socially acceptable trigger moment to make it happen – an illness, a minor injury, a disagreement, a small failed project, an unexpected bill, etc. Then they can justify quitting, leaving, or transitioning.

What if people wait and wait, and a qualifying incident doesn’t come up? Then they’ll usually engineer one, often subconsciously. Have you ever seen someone go through a transition after an inciting incident, observing that they actually caused that incident and that it wasn’t something that anyone else actually did to them?

If you put a certain cause in motion, you’re basically baiting someone else to help you move closer to a transition.

I’d say the key lesson here is to be aware of this pattern and stay on the lookout for it, both in yourself and others. When you spot it in another person, encourage them to share their honest feelings and transition sooner without the need for an inciting incident. When you spot this pattern in yourself, question why you need an inciting incident to lean on and whether you can just be honest and change course.

The final straw event is a crutch. You don’t actually need it. When you realize that you’re waiting for a final straw event to occur, let that be your final straw right there – a clear enough signal that it’s time to make your move.

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White Fragility

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Earlier this week I read the book White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo, which is about how resistant white people can be when it comes to discussing and learning about systemic racism.

I thought the book had some interesting insights, although it was more academic and less emotional than I expected. I was expecting something punchier and more story-based whereas sometimes this book felt like a corporate training manual. I also thought it was a bit short relative to the weightiness of the topic. Overall I still found it worth reading, so I’d recommend it if you’re curious about it.

I took the main lesson to be the importance of considering other perspectives and being sensitive to them, especially when communicating. There isn’t necessarily a single clear and correct approach.

For example, suppose I tell a story on my blog that involves a black friend of mine (with his permission). Should I mention his race or not? Should I begin the story with “A friend and I…” or “A black friend and I…”?

My previous inclination would be not to mention his race unless I thought it was critical to the story. But am I attempting to be racially color blind then? Note that this isn’t the same as being racially aware.

Who am I to say that race isn’t a factor in the story? Am I trying to dodge some potential judgment by leaving out that detail, which may actually matter to some people and could change what the story means to them?

Many stories could be interpreted differently when considered against the backdrop of systemic racism, such as a story about academic or business success or failure. And as White Fragility points out, this backdrop is always present when people of different races interact.

So this book helped me understand that being racially color blind isn’t a good standard to adopt – it’s a pretty fake one actually, and it doesn’t help.

What if I do the opposite and tell a story about “my black friend.” Now it introduces another issue, like I’m trying to prove to the world that I have black friends. Regardless of my actual intention, many people could interpret this as a really inauthentic effort to wrap myself in interracial friendliness. I can understand that perspective.

Note that even publicly acknowledging that I read White Fragility may induce different reactions in different people. Some may be happy (or even delighted) that I read it and that I’m blogging about it. Others may see it a statement like, “Hey, look at me. I care about social justice too!” Some may appreciate that I read it but dislike what I have to say about it.

If you want to know the actual truth, I wasn’t super enthusiastic to read this book. Some people nudged me to read it many weeks ago, but at the time I was much more interested in other topics. I only opted to read this one after finishing all the other books that were in my queue, partly because I saw that it had a strong effect on a friend. If not for curiosity about her reaction, I might not have read this book this year. One source of resistance is that I thought the title was a marketing trick to bait people, and after reading the book, I still feel that way about it. I found the title a turnoff much like I’m turned off by books that have “F*ck” in their titles. I think a more accurate title for this book would be: Lessons from Corporate Racial Sensitivity Training.

I think some white people who read this book may be frustrated by it, concluding that no matter what they do in certain situations, they can’t win – you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I think that attitude misses the point though. I see the point as being more about listening, sensitivity, and consideration and then making decisions based on awareness. It’s not about following tight rules to be error-free with everyone, which would be an untenable goal anyway.

I’ve already learned from 16 years of blogging that if I write about sensitive topics, someone is likely to interpret what I say very differently than my intentions. So in one sense, it’s true that I can’t win per se. But I don’t need to win, which really means to offend no one. That’s a pretty ego-based way of looking at the situation and not particularly helpful. This isn’t about winning or losing as an individual.

I can still be sensitive to different potential interpretations when I write. And that awareness can help me write more clearly. Sometimes I’ll add extra clarifying words or statements to stave off potential misinterpretations. If I can anticipate a misunderstanding before it happens, I can put in a little more effort to prevent it. It still won’t be perfect, but it’s an improvement over being tone deaf and ignorant.

You will still make mistakes, and you’ll still be judged for them. But when you do stumble on some issue, can you discover why? Can you lean towards greater sensitivity and understanding? Can you turn it into a growth experience?

Most of the ideas in White Fragility weren’t new or surprising to me, but there were a few angles I picked up that did surprise me, so I like that the book educated me on these blind spots.

For instance, I didn’t know how problematic it could be for a white woman to cry during a racially mixed discussion or training on race, especially after someone of a different race shares a story about racial injustice. Now I have a better understanding of why that can be a really bad turn of events and why extra care ought to be taken to avoid tears in that context.

One perspective is that the white woman is genuinely moved and can’t help herself. But another perspective is that it can too easily lead right into a negative downward spiral that derails the discussion and could lead to a conflict where some people are offended by her tears while others feel a need to defend her. Such situations can even descend into violence. Moreover, there’s a huge negative history around white women’s tears leading to black people getting hurt. So when considering the other perspectives on this, I can see why stifling those tears or leaving the room might be a sensible option and why crying in such a context could be a really bad idea. I can also see how this situation can be so perilous due to different people assigning different meanings to those tears.

I don’t feel that this book gave me clear cut answers, but I do feel that it increased my awareness about how people may assign meaning differently when race is part of the context. I didn’t always agree with some of the book’s conclusions and recommendations, but I can understand why it recommends what it does.

Overall I found it easy to relate to the general idea of white fragility due to how closely it connects with a context I have a lot more experience with: the fragility of people who eat animal products. I see a lot of parallels between the avoidance of discussions on systemic violence and oppression in both contexts.

I can’t really know how it feels to a black person when a white person acts racially color blind, but I sure know how ridiculously lame it feels to a vegan when a meat-eater pretends to respect veganism, especially while eating a meal of animal flesh. I know these aren’t the same, but connecting these contexts helps me to better understand how pathetic such fragility looks and how utterly oblivious people are when demonstrating it. This realization also makes me want to push back more when I see people doing the fragility dance, regardless of the context.

I feel like I got the most value not directly from the book but from doing my own inner processing and journaling afterwards. What I most value isn’t what the book taught me but rather how it served as a catalyst for thinking about some deeper issues. I don’t want to detract from the book’s core focus on racial issues; however, I do feel I gained more from reading this book that extends well beyond the area of race. The issue of fragility is a powerful one that shows us in many other areas of life too.

What White Fragility doesn’t provide are long-term solutions to systemic racism itself. It doesn’t share how to overturn and replace the old systems. It’s more about confronting and acknowledging that we all have a relationship with this system, even if that relationship has been hidden. It invites consideration of other perspectives and how our actions may be interpreted differently that we’d expect. It invites us to become less fragile (i.e. avoidant) and more honest and aware.

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Words Are Actions

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Some people claim that actions matter and words alone don’t count for much.

That philosophy may be popular, but it isn’t based in truth.

Words matter tremendously. Words are actions, and they absolutely do count – at least as much as any other form of action does.

Words influence people. Words create impact, even when you’re not trying to be impactful. Words create ripples. And words incur responsibility.

With words alone you can change the course of someone’s life. You can affect someone well beyond (or contrary to) your intent.

The law recognizes this too. You can go to jail just for your words if you choose the wrong ones, including in countries that profess to have great freedom of speech. And you can most assuredly be sued for your words.

Intent may be considered, but the bigger issue is impact. With your words you could contribute to damaging someone’s health, ending a job or a relationship, or even ending a life.

You could also inspire someone to make a major positive change in their life. You could reduce someone’s stress. You could help form a healthy and positive relationship.

You can have these effects with words alone.

How many transitions would never have occurred if certain words had never been voiced?

How many regrets trace back to words alone, whether spoken or unspoken?

You don’t need a large platform or audience to have impact with your words. A small number of words communicated to one person can be unexpectedly life-changing.

I guarantee you that your words have already affected people – and will continue to affect them – in powerful ways you don’t see at all.

How often have you done some extra processing on someone else’s words but unbeknownst to them? Maybe these were words in a book or article you read. Maybe an offhand comment from a friend got your attention. Maybe a politician’s latest lie made you feel stressed.

Did you always tell the person who wrote these words about their impact on you?

Does it matter that the person may have had a different intent? Can their words still have impact beyond their intent?

Does it matter if the person assumed that words aren’t important?

Does it matter if the person doesn’t see words as having much value? Or if they don’t even remember writing or speaking them?

You could still be deeply affected by words regardless of intent and expectation.

Now consider that your words are doing the same. Even when you don’t intend or expect them to be impactful, they sometimes will be. And this is happening a lot more often than you realize. People just aren’t telling you about the effect your words are having on them. Just as you’re keeping silent about your extra internal processing, so is everyone else around you.

The impact of your words is much greater than your ability to see or measure it.

Words are powerful. Don’t discount or downplay that power. Your words may very well be the most impactful actions of your life in the aggregate, leaving a bigger mark on this world than all of your other actions combined.

Choose your words intelligently, with care and consideration for the hidden impact they can have, whether or not you ever see evidence of that impact.

You can’t fully control how you influence people, but you can make better choices by being sensitive to the impact your words can have. You can consider those unseen impacts. You can choose to speak the truth and to speak with empathy.

Honor your words at least as much as you consider the impact of other actions. Your words are more powerful and influential than you’ll realize.

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Pre-Consent in Relationships

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One of the most delicious phrases to hear in a sexual encounter is, “You can do whatever you want with me.” Mmmm!

That’s a form of pre-consent. In that case it’s perhaps overly broad, and there may be some hidden boundaries to discover along the way, but it really opens the door to less constrained exploration together.

Even when pre-consent is more limited, it can speed a connection along towards the more fun and interesting parts.

When you’re beginning to explore a new connection with someone, I encourage you to invite a conversation about what falls within the realm of pre-consent and what doesn’t.

Many people perceive the main risk of a new relationship to be moving too quickly and accidentally doing something the other person doesn’t like. That’s a valid concern. But another major issue is that you might move too slowly and miss out on good opportunities. What if the other person was willing to go further, and you held back? What if you go so slowly that the connection fizzles?

I’ve missed some good opportunities for connection when I held back by assuming boundaries that the other person didn’t actually have, which I later learned during a follow-up conversation.

One way to avoid missing out here is to talk openly about areas of pre-consent for anything that you’re curious or uncertain about. I’ve been surprised multiple times by how much someone is willing to explore early in a connection. I tend to underestimate people by assuming that they have constraints that aren’t there. A short pre-consent conversation can reveal the actual truth.

Not everyone feels comfortable having these kinds of conversations, but for those who do, it’s so refreshing. I definitely appreciate such conversations since it gives me clarity about where the person’s current comfort zone is. It gives me more confidence that I won’t accidentally cross a line – and also that I won’t overlook a really nice opportunity to connect, play, or have more fun together.

It’s really nice to get more clarity about which doors are really closed and which doors are actually open. It’s been my experience that the truth doesn’t always align with my expectations. However, after practicing this more, I found that my expectations improved to move further into alignment with truth. Experience helped to upgrade my intuition. So you may find such conversations more valuable when you have less experience; you may not need them as much as you gain relationship experience.

A pre-consent conversation can even be done via texting or email. And it can happen in any stage of a relationship – from before you meet to many years into a long-term relationship or marriage.

The point is simply to discover what the other person is okay experiencing with you without your having to ask each time. What can you just do without hitting resistance?

Here are some questions you can answer:

  • Can I hold your hand when we walk together?
  • Can I hug you? How often?
  • Can I kiss you? How often? Do you like French kissing?
  • Can I ask you deep personal questions?
  • How physical can I be with you?
  • Would you enjoy cuddling while we watch a movie? Cuddle sleeping together?
  • How far are you willing to go on our first / next date (even before it happens)?
  • Can I talk openly about what I’d like to do sexually with you? Or would that make you uncomfortable?
  • Can I tease you sexually? What kinds of teasing do you like?
  • Can I touch your breasts? As much as I want?
  • Can I give you oral sex? Will you give me oral sex?
  • Do you like D/s play? If so, what are you open to exploring?
  • Are you open to threesomes?

I wouldn’t ask all of these questions up front interview style, although I suppose you could. I think it’s better to do this in stages. Start with some of the easier ones. If you meet resistance there, you may want to pause to see if any of those closed doors open up later.

You may be surprised by the actual boundaries some people have. There is no ladder of sexual and emotional openness where everyone has a convenient spot on some particular rung, just as there’s no ladder of consciousness. (Power vs Force has an interesting ladder to read about, but it’s also nonsense in terms of practical reality… and basically the same one used by Scientology.)

Any wild fantasy you have, including ones that initially seem nonconsensual, can be made consensual if you just ask. What if the other person would enjoy having that experience with you? You may never know if you don’t ask.

I wonder how many people secretly fantasize or turn to porn regarding certain experiences they don’t have an outlet for in real life… that they actually could have if they just opened up and asked around to see who’s interested. It’s way more delicious to explore various desires for real. You just need consent. How do you get consent? Ask enough people.

A common issue here is being afraid of the no. But hearing a no early and up front is better than dodging the truth like Trump at a news conference. Avoiding a potential no will only build more fear and hesitation. The more truth you invite early, the easier it is to make aligned decisions and to find aligned partners.

If a no is temporary, it’s good to get it out early, so you know where you are. And if the no is permanent, then it’s an invitation to decide whether to explore with that person while honoring their boundaries or if you’d prefer to connect with someone more compatible. Don’t perceive it as a failure if you find that someone’s boundaries don’t match your own and that a connection isn’t going to work as you’d hoped. Instead, honor the other person as a unique individual, and then honor your own desires by seeking a good match.

This also depends on where your boundaries are and how comfortable you feel moving faster. In some areas I’m slower and more cautious, like in wanting to connect with people who have aligned ethical values. In other areas I like to move faster than most, like when it comes to physical touch and affection because I enjoy that so much.

A pre-consent conversation could reveal a yes that unlocks a lot of yumminess – emotional intimacy, affection, sexual pleasure, playfulness, laughter, fun, and more. I’m enjoying a 10+ year relationship that began with a playful pre-consensual conversation, and it’s exceedingly delightful. I appreciate it each day.

One thing I really like about this relationship is that we started out fast. I think that was important because we lived in different countries. If we had moved too slowly in the beginning during the limited number of days we had together in person, we might not have gone through enough open doors to bond as quickly and deeply as we did. We might have robbed ourselves of some really beautiful experiences and some fabulous early memories that set the tone for the future years of our relationship.

Don’t overlook the risk of moving too slowly. Holding back could lead to some of your biggest lifetime regrets. Fortunately you don’t have to violate someone’s boundaries to move faster.

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Inviting Disappointment

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If you’re active in online discussions, remember to invite discussions on topics that interest you.

Don’t just post memes or trivial updates about your life. Don’t just read or respond to other people’s topics.

Actually invite discussions to explore and advance what interests you.

This may expose a weak social circle or a weak platform. You may feel resistance to inviting such discussions because you know a certain social circle isn’t up to the task. Maybe you’ve tested this a few times, and the responses have been disappointing.

This doesn’t mean it’s wise to abandon the practice. Instead, practice elsewhere. Find other communities where you’ll find more aligned people who can intelligently discuss what interests you.

If you’re interested in entrepreneurship, can you raise entrepreneurial topics with your social circle and expect intelligent answers? Will you see stimulating ideas being exchanged?

What if you’re interested in human relationships or sexuality? Life purpose and contribution? The Law of Attraction? The nature of reality? Going vegan?

Do you have at least one good social circle for discussing each topic that interests you? It doesn’t have to be the same social circle or platform for every topic.

When I was younger, I had zero outlets where I could intelligently discuss certain topics. That made exploration much harder. I remember it being especially challenging when I was 17 and was having major doubts about religion, but I didn’t know any non-religious people that I could trust to talk intelligently about it. So I mostly had to do all my own thinking and figuring.

When I was 18 and moved to Berkeley, there were lots of people I could talk to about this, which was incredibly refreshing. That made a huge difference.

At another time in my life, I was the only person I knew who was really into personal growth. I leaned heavily on books and audio programs during this time, as if they were my social circle. It would have been so nice to have people to compare notes with and share ideas. Later in life I eventually made more growth-oriented friends, and it was wonderful to finally engage in intelligent discussions about it.

It’s useful to just keep sharing what interests you, even if you’re sharing into a void, and no one else seems to be aligned with your interests. This exposes the weaknesses of misaligned social circles. It makes you face the disappointment of what they’re not providing, so you can’t just ignore that major misalignment. This can motivate you to stop wasting your time messaging into a void and start looking for a better place to interact with like-minded people. It makes you question the value of the social groups and platforms you interact with. That can be a hard truth to face, but it’s good to keep facing it.

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Sexual and Virtuous

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Yesterday Rachelle and I watched an episode of Star Trek: Enterprise where the crew goes into the Dark Mirror universe. This alternative universe shows up in multiple Star Trek series and novels. All the characters have identical looking mirror versions with different personalities and values. It’s a place of violence, belligerence, war, and conquest. Imagine waking up in a reality with all the same people, but almost everyone is openly evil.

One way to advance in this world is to kill a superior and take their position. Characters frequently plot against each other. Everyone carries a sidearm. Trusting someone can be a fatal mistake, even if it’s someone close to you.

This universe also depicts some characters as being sluttier and more sexual. Sex is frequently weaponized.

This made me ponder how often media conditions us to associate sexuality with something evil or demonic.

What if it were the opposite?

What if angels were the sluts? What if beings of peace and love were depicted as being highly sexual? What if the demonic beings were the sexually repressed ones?

What if being openly sexual was associated with virtuous living?

Sexuality is a form of communication. It can express caring, loving attention, playfulness, pleasure, trust, and more. I don’t think it’s a stretch to associate a healthy and abundant sex life with virtuous living and positive, socially responsible values.

Demonizing sexuality strikes me as an immature and controlling way to frame it. Associating it with war and violence seems especially lame. How often do we see violent characters associated with sexual shallowness or conquest, like James Bond?

I associate sexuality with fun, playfulness, caring, connection, intimacy, trust, closeness, and other positive values. I also associate it with laughter and silliness. I feel lucky to have a wife who has similar positive associations to it. Sexually we may behave like characters from the Dark Mirror universe, although it definitely feels like these behaviors are on the side of peace and love.

One thing that helped me shift away from negative frames here was to look within and determine how I really felt about sexuality. Set aside the unconscious conditioning, and take a conscious look at this part of life. Did I actually believe that sex was somehow wrong or evil? What were the real risks to pay attention to? What kinds of partners would I consider good matches (versus partial matches or mismatches)? What did I want to explore personally? What would I prefer to avoid?

What this unlocked was a lot of fun and connection that was previously suppressed behind some limiting beliefs. When I got clear about my own feelings, I could fully own them. I could use frames that made real sense to me.

You probably grew up with some baggage in this area of life – some associations to sexuality that may not serve you well, either from social conditioning or direct experience. Those can create strong emotional reactions that lead to mixed associations. I encourage you to examine your honest thoughts and feelings about sexuality, such as by journaling about them. How would you actually like to relate to this part of life? Do you feel that your current framing serves you well, or does it need some adjustment?

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Checking in With You

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For today’s post I’d like to pause and check in with you. I’d also like to invite you to check in with yourself and reflect on how you’re doing.

I’d genuinely love some feedback from you – not about me or my writing but about you and your life. Would you be willing to share some insight about your current situation and what you’re experiencing right now?

I’m asking because I’m genuinely curious. I want to raise my awareness about what you’re experiencing right now. I want to feel more connected to the people who are reading my blog.

I invite you to pick one or two questions from this list (or a different question entirely that feels inspired to you), and send me your response.

  • What issue or issues are top-of-mind for you these days?
  • What are your biggest worries or concerns?
  • What are your biggest problems or challenges?
  • What are your biggest areas of stuckness or frustration?
  • What would you like to experience next?
  • What’s good about your life today?
  • What areas of life are flowing well for you?
  • What do you like about your current lifestyle?
  • How would you like to change or shift your lifestyle?
  • How has your life changed in the past several months (or weeks)?
  • What kind of work do you do?
  • What’s your current relationship situation, and how do you feel about it?
  • What are you most proud of right now?
  • What recent wins or losses have you experienced?
  • What do you long for or crave?
  • What have you been wanting to learn or explore for a long time?
  • What part of your life feels like it needs to be changed or fixed?
  • What do you appreciate about your life?
  • What’s true for you that no one else knows?
  • What do you wish people knew about you?
  • What would you like me to accept and understand about you?
  • How do you feel about what’s going on in the world?
  • What do you wish you could change or improve?
  • What’s confusing to you?
  • In which area of life do you want more clarity?
  • What attracts your attention these days?

Alternatively, skip the questions and just tell me how you’re doing. 🙂

I’ll read what you share – just me, no one else – and will reply as well if I can manage that time-wise.

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Your Social Communication Spectrum

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Yesterday I was conversing with Rachelle about how to communicate with someone who has what you might call lower than average emotional and social intelligence but is otherwise extremely bright. (It’s not a member of this community by the way, and our interactions are normally short and infrequent.)

Rachelle noted that he, “seems to have no clue about interacting with people.” The rest of our conversation proceeded like this:

Star Trek geekiness aside, the point is that it’s best to present an interface to him that he understands if we are to have any hope of communicating with him. He doesn’t seem to grasp emotional communication, so if we expect compassion or caring from him, we’re only setting ourselves up for disappointment or frustration.

However, if we limit ourselves to a narrower subset of the human communication spectrum, like if we talk to him like we’re speaking to Alexa or Siri, he responds to that perfectly fine. Other people might find such communication too curt or bossy, but he wouldn’t take offense. Being too gentle is more likely to offend him.

Now consider that other people will likely learn to offer a communication interface that they believe will be acceptable to you. If they see you as a compassionate and caring person, they’ll be more willing to open up about their feelings. If they see you as as very logical person, they may seem your rational advice more often.

Where people detect awkwardness and discomfort from you with a certain mode of communication, they’ll be more likely to avoid interfacing with you on that basis. Consequently, you won’t necessarily connect with people as much in the ranges where you convey resistance and discomfort. This means that the range of human communication you typically experience will have some gaps. Other people may communicate a great deal within those gaps, but they’ll probably avoid interfacing with you within certain subranges.

Now when you’re on a path of personal growth, you’re likely to open up and expand your frequency ranges over time. Areas that were once outside your comfort zone may become comfortable for you. Sometimes you may need to communicate and reassure people that you can handle a range that they might think is beyond you. Now and then it’s good to let people know that they won’t offend you or make you feel uncomfortable if they try to interface with you in some part of the spectrum where they may otherwise be cautious or hesitant.

When I was younger, some frequency ranges felt uncomfortable to me, but now I feel a lot more comfortable with them, partly due to deliberate stretching and partly due to racking up more practice.

Many years ago I’d have felt uncomfortable if someone cried while talking about an emotionally vulnerable issue with me. I’d have tried to dodge and escape such conversations, not wanting to go into that range with anyone. Today I feel the opposite. Not only does it not bother me when someone shares something emotionally vulnerable, I tend to see tears as an indication of trust, authenticity, emotional honesty, and depth I feel honored that people trust me as someone they can share their feelings with. Sometimes I even comment that I “love making people cry,” and I’m only half joking when I say that. It’s nice when people feel safe enough to express this range of emotion. I’d actually like it if more people felt comfortable with tears and less embarrassed or stigmatized by them.

Another area that took some practice was learning to communicate about topics you might call spiritual or woo-woo. At first I felt a little hesitant writing about such topics publicly, but as I leaned into this, I gradually felt more at ease, especially as so many people in my audience responded positively and wanted to see more on those topics. Lately we’ve been having some really interesting discussions about the Law of Attraction, manifesting, and the nature of reality in Conscious Growth Club. On this morning’s coaching call, we started testing a new intention experiment to see what, if any, effect it has on us.

Two areas where I’ve had a lot of practice are talking to people about their problems and their desires. People have told me details about all sorts of problems they’ve experienced – financial problems, relationship problems, business problems, family problems, health problems, emotional problems, and more. They’ve also opened up about many different types of desires and needs, including some personal and intimate desires they don’t normally share with other people. So I’ve had plenty of time to become comfortable with this range of communication. I actually find it rewarding to gain this perspective on humanity. One insight I’ll share is that people who are struggling are often a lot more aware of their deficits and less certain about their desires, whereas people who are thriving tend to be more in tune with their desires and less concerned about areas where they aren’t doing so well.

I’ll also note that when you communicate publicly with a wider spectrum, you’re more likely to make someone uncomfortable. It’s hard to avoid stepping outside of someone’s comfort zone sooner or later. One way to deal with this is to back off and restrict your range. I dislike that approach because it makes me feel stunted; it’s harder to feel like I’m being honest if I hold so much back. So instead my approach was to learn to feel comfortable with other people’s discomfort. Then I can write about more topics, knowing that someone may feel uncomfortable with that range of communication, and just accept that it’s going to happen repeatedly. Another useful frame is to also consider that people are choosing to read, watch, or listen to what I publish; it’s not being forced upon them.

In one-on-one conversations, I usually prefer to constrain myself by respecting someone else’s comfort zone. So if I know they aren’t comfortable with a particular range of topics or communication style, I won’t push them to go there. But when communicating with a bigger audience publicly, I don’t find that approach tenable. It’s too constricting to limit myself to topics or communication styles that won’t make anyone feel uncomfortable. You’d be surprised at the sorts of things people find objectionable.

When your social interactions start feeling a bit stale, boring, or predictable, you may want to broaden your range. One good approach is to start communicating about topics that make you feel uncomfortable. Step into your own range of awkwardness, and explore that for a while. This isn’t easy, but it works. Many people will respect you more for simply trying to communicate about something that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Imagine how impressed Rachelle and I would be if the guy we referenced in the beginning of this article started opening up about his feelings or if he said that he wanted to be nicer to people. We’d be shocked initially, but we’d also really respect him for just making the effort. We’d be super supportive as well.

I too have noticed this reaction from people when I’ve made a genuine effort to expand my range. While some people won’t follow me into a range that feels awkward to them, many more are delighted by my efforts to stretch.

Just realize that no matter how wide you think your range is, it’s still limited. The full range of human communication occupies a wider spectrum than any individual can experience in a lifetime. There’s always more to explore and experience. You probably won’t have to look very far to find additional subranges that make you feel awkward or uncomfortable. Challenge yourself to explore one of those awkward parts of the spectrum now and then, so you can enjoy the rewards of expanding your comfort zone over time.

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