Benefits of Eating Raw

Posted on 08/01/2021 by Boris Clair

It’s wonderful to be on Day 7 of my year of eating raw. I think I’m past the initial detox phase, and I’m flowing nicely into the beneficial part of this experience. It really has been super easy to reload these habits – not really a challenge, just a different way of experiencing life.

As part of my prep for this year, I reviewed some old blog posts and journal entries from my previous raw foodism times, so I could recall the benefits I documented. Then I compiled them into a big list. I’ll share that here, so you can get an idea of what motivates me to be a raw foodist this year. It’s something I’ve always wanted to re-explore more deeply.

First off, it really is very different from eating cooked vegan. As good as it feels to be vegan and as many benefits as that provides, so much gets significantly amplified when eating raw. The improvements are very noticeable, even after just a week.

Let’s go down the list:

Restful Sleep, Less Sleep, and Dreams

My sleep is deeper and more restful. I normally sleep 30-60 minutes less per night while eating raw, which means more waking hours. I’ll likely have less afternoon drowsiness as well, so I may not take as many afternoon naps. Yesterday I was struck by how alert and awake I feel through the whole afternoon.

I have very rich and vivid dreams each night on a raw diet, which really helps me stay deeply asleep. It often feels like my dreams are 2-3 days long, like complex adventure stories. My dream recall improves significantly too.

Also when I do get tired at the end of the day, sleepiness comes on more gradually, so I can stay up a bit later when I want. When I eat cooked food, the attack of drowsiness tends to come up quickly. On raw foods I can easily dismiss any drowsiness, and it goes away if I engage in any kind of activity. So the initial onset of drowsiness is more like a gentle notification that I can dismiss if I want.

Calm, Clear Mind and Enhanced Intelligence

My mind is so much calmer and clearer. It’s way easier to focus and to make aligned decisions. The mental boost is one of my favorite benefits, and it always kicks in relatively quickly.

I feel like my mind has 30% more RAM for thinking. This could even increase as the year progresses. This will be a great year for making decisions and implementing some new plans. Any kind of high-level thinking or planning work feels so much easier.

That extra mental RAM makes a huge difference. I can hold more complex thoughts and connections in my mind simultaneously, which makes it easier to think about the ways different projects relate to each other. This is wonderful for seeing the big picture of how my life and business are unfolding, and it’s especially good for looking at a large to-do list and immediately seeing the true priorities pop right out.

Consequently, I set different priorities when eating raw. I look at my old priorities and instantly recognize flaws in them, and then I fix them within minutes.

Faster Thinking

My mind feels like it runs faster too, but at the same time it feels less effortful. I observe that I flow through work more quickly and feel less fatigued afterwards.

Life Seems Easier

The extra mental capacity makes projects that previously looked daunting seem lighter and easier. I look at issues that seemed complex before, but on a raw diet they seem like no big deal. I know I can easily do them.

Faster Writing

I can write about 30% faster while eating raw. My mind will think further ahead automatically. After last year’s deep dive into blogging (and the extra training that provided), I could really be a writing and creative powerhouse in 2021 if I wanted to. Instead of more volume though, I want to invest in more depth this year.

I’m especially curious to see how this affects my course development work this year. I think it’s going to make the work feel a lot easier.

Reduced Cravings and Addictions

Cravings for unhealthy foods go down. So do compulsive and addictive behaviors of all types. It’s much easier to avoid distractions. This creates more freedom and discipline to make aligned choices. I’m already feeling increased desire for healthy, living foods, and cooked foods are losing their appeal.

It feels like I have more conscious control over myself and where I direct my thoughts and energy.

More Energy

I feel significantly more energetic in my body and emotions. I enjoy great energy flow when I need it. It’s easy to get more done each day, like 20-30% more action. That adds up.

I don’t have to put off as much to future days. Yesterday I finished all the items on a to-do list I made for the day. I haven’t done that in a while. Usually I have to put off a few tasks till the next day sine I tend to be ambitious about what I try to squeeze into a day. Now it feels like my energy is in better balance with my ambition.

This actually makes me wonder if my sense of what I can get done in a day is calibrated to be accurate when I’m eating raw, so if I eat cooked food, I’ll always fall short of that.

Easier Breathing

My breathing feels easier and deeper, like my lungs are working more efficiently. It’s like I’m breathing in cool, minty air all the time… or maybe the air I’m taking in has somehow become more oxygen-rich.

Happier Emotions

I feel happier when eating raw, often euphoric. That’s a wonderful feeling to experience. I’m more optimistic about life as well. I feel more appreciation and gratitude. This is all effortless – it just happens.

I wonder how many people would permanently cure depression if they just ate a raw diet. I don’t see how I could possibly feel depressed eating this way, even if I tried. This way of eating generates too much positivity juice. It’s nice to know that this is how the human body is supposed to feel when we’re simply breathing.

Joint and Muscle Health

Eating raw and staying caffeine-free greatly improves my joint health. It’s easier to move. My joints and muscles feel looser, and I tend to be more flexible. My body feels more relaxed and flowing, not quite as solid and almost more liquid.

Stronger Nails

My nails grow stronger on raw foods. This takes a while though. Other modes of detoxification also help create stronger nails.

Better Sex

Having sex while eating raw is wonderful, like hearing the full symphony instead of just a few instruments.

Sex feels richer, more pleasurable, and more emotionally connected. Orgasms feel even better. Sex feels a little less physical and bit more spiritual and emotional. The physical aspect is still very nice, but the other aspects get turned up louder by comparison.

I also prefer having sex for much longer while eating raw, savoring the subtleties of the experience. Going for an hour or more feels really pleasurable and connected, especially emotionally. I knew one raw foodist who enjoyed making love for 2-3 hours. It’s a very rich and expressive way of connecting with someone.

The relationship with the person really impacts the experience. I can’t separate myself from her experience because I’m super sensitive to her feelings as well as my own. So mutual love and caring really matters.

Cleaner Body

My body feels cleaner and purer inside – somehow lighter and floatier. Every part feels like it’s running cleaner (heart, lungs, kidneys, liver, etc).

Some sense of heaviness floats away. I feel like my cells have been scrubbed and cleansed, so everything runs better.

Different Gut Bacteria

My gut bacteria will change over time to align with healthy raw foods. This will improve my digestion and overall health and energy. My bowels get cleaner too, like they’ve been scrubbed out. Food feels more energizing.

Better Skin

Eating raw is very good for my skin, on my face and all over my body.

If you’ve ever seen before and after photos of someone who’s been eating raw for 6+ months, the difference is often remarkable. You can see it in the face so clearly. After a while on raw foods, the skin is cleaner and more youthful, often glowing.

The one exception was when I ate only 10% of calories from fat (80/10/10 diet) and got very dry skin on my hands after a few weeks. Including more fat in the diet solved that issue.

Thicker Hair

I used to have thinning hair, but investing in raw foods (and some additional detox methods) thickened it up again. It wouldn’t surprise me if my hair grows thicker still this year.

Weight Loss

Some people lose a dramatic amount of weight when they go raw for a while, like 25+ pounds in a month. I don’t expect anything like that, but as the body releases toxins, it tends to release extra fat as well. I normally get a bit leaner whenever I eat raw.

This year I’m also curious as to what I might learn from eating raw while also maintaining a daily food log. I’ve been food logging everything I eat for almost 8 months now.

Fitness Improvements

I get stronger while eating raw. I have more endurance. I breathe easier during exercise. Exercise feels better too.

If all I do is switch to raw, I can do 5-10 extra push-ups with no extra training. My muscles don’t tire out as quickly, and the push-ups feel easier too.

Last year I really got into hour-long morning runs, and I intend to continue that this year. Since running feels easier and more enjoyable on a raw diet, I may aim to go a bit further or faster as well.

I enjoy going for longer walks too. The extra endurance makes it feel good to walk longer.

Lower Appetite

My appetite will probably go down as digestion becomes more efficient. Eventually I may be inclined to eat less food. This takes a while to kick in though, maybe several months. I’m not sure if this will happen consistently, but I have experienced it in the past.

Once I’ve been raw for a while, I also find it relatively easy to skip meals if I need to. It’s not as important to eat on a regular schedule. My energy still feels good when I drift for a while without eating.

Easier Fasting

It’s easier to fast from a raw base, partly because I won’t have to detox as much. And fasting can be more efficient in its ability to detox me further.

Eyesight Improvement

Many raw foodists report eyesight improvement. I’ve noticed some improvements in terms of visual awareness, like I can take in more of my visual field all at once and feel more aware of what’s going on. I seem to be less mentally myopic.

More Sensitive Taste and Smell

My senses of taste and smell will improve, even within the first 30 days.

Every time I’ve eaten raw for 30+ days, cooked food tastes better afterwards. Cooked food dulls the senses. Raw food restores those senses.

Enjoying Fitness Classes

When it becomes viable to return to in-person fitness classes, I’ll likely enjoy them even more. Doing yoga and other workouts will feel better. I may enjoy challenging myself with some harder workouts since my body will handle them with greater ease. I’ll be able to push myself more and improve my fitness faster. I can handle harder workouts.

Rebuilding a Raw Body

Since we are what we eat, my body will gradually rebuild its muscles, organs, and tissues from raw foods instead of cooked. This can make my body more efficient over time. Apparently a body built from raw ingredients functions better than one built from cooked ingredients.

Since raw foods are way lower in toxins than cooked foods, this means a less toxin-filled body as well. Detoxing from what modern society puts in our bodies is a lifetime effort – this will remain important as long as we have biological bodies. The one thing I wished I’d learned early in my health journey was the critical importance of doing what’s necessary to reduce the level of toxicity in the body. I thought going vegetarian in my early 20s was a huge step when it was barely anything relative to what actually matters most health-wise.

Better Heat Tolerance

My body is way more heat tolerant on raw foods, so the hot summer days in Vegas are nothing to me. Going for a walk in 110-degree weather is delightful. It feels really good to soak up the energy of the hot sun, as if I’ve turned into a plant who thrives on sunlight.

Sauna sessions will feel cooler to me, and my body will sweat more easily to stay cooler.

But I’ll be more sensitive to the cold, so I’ll bundle up more in the colder months. It often drops below freezing in the winter in Vegas. This weekend the low here will be 34F / 1C.

Spicy food is one way to stay warmer. I especially love guacamole with habanero peppers, which are super spicy. I once got some of their juice on my lips by licking a knife I used to chop them. My lips felt like they were on fire, and I had to ice them for an hour. So I’m extra cautious with those peppers now. Jalapeños are a milder substitute.

My normal body temperature will drop a little as well, so I’ll run cooler internally too.

Lower Blood Pressure

My blood pressure is normal even on cooked foods, but my blood pressure will naturally drop a bit further while I’m on raw foods. One time I measured a drop of 14/3 in the first 30 days. It’s still in the normal healthy range but a bit healthier still.

Less Stress

It’s harder to feel stressed or overwhelmed while eating raw. My attitude towards any types of challenges tend to be pretty chill – a feeling of relaxed confidence. I think that’s a byproduct of having energy abundance and a sharp mind backing you up at all times. Life’s problems don’t seem so big; you know you’ll be fine just by using a fraction of your available resources.

Easier to Meditate

I feel more present in the moment on a raw diet. It’s easier to meditate due to better focus and a calmer mind. I’m also less likely to feel drowsy while meditating. But oddly I feel like meditation is less important.

Enjoying Music More

I enjoy listening to music more when I eat raw. Music seems richer and more nuanced. I feel like I’m listening with more of my brain. Even when listening to songs I’ve heard many times before, they feel fresh and revitalized. It’s like the music goes deeper into me and says more to me. This results in increased feelings of appreciation when I hear it.

I often play music while I work. Even though I’m playing the same artists and songs from before, I enjoy their music more.

More Enjoyable Travel

Since my body feels better and I have more energy, I’ll likely enjoy travel experiences more when that becomes viable again. I have to make some adaptations to eat raw on trips, but I expect that it will be worth it, especially if I prepare well for those trips in advance by making some dehydrated foods as fallback snacks.

I haven’t enjoyed eating raw on trips when I went in unprepared, but when I did prepare well, those experiences were great. This aspect also gets easier with more practice. I’m hoping I can do some travel later this year to practice this more.

More Synchronicities & Universal Cooperation

This is a harder one to explain, but it shows up powerfully every time.

Somehow I seem to be more aligned with the flow of life when eating raw. Synchronicities increase markedly. I feel very in tune with the Law of Attraction. My desires manifest with greater ease, flow, wonder, and delight. I feel like the universe is even more on my side than before. My relationship with reality improves. I get a lot of that “I can do no wrong” feeling where so many things just work out swimmingly.

I wrote a ponderous post about this last month with some musings about why this happens.

Super Strong Immune System

Raw foods are terrific for maintaining a strong immune system. I’ve never gotten sick while eating raw. That has only happened when I strayed back to cooked foods – then I’m pretty much guaranteed to get sick right away.

When I’ve been around sick people who are coughing and sneezing while I’m in raw mode, I can almost feel this extra pathway of communication from my body, telling me that I’ve been exposed to something but not to worry – my immune system is on the job and can handle it with ease. I might catch the faintest whiff of a symptom of illness, and then it’s gone.

I’m not going to go out maskless, and I do intend to get immunized for COVID when that becomes available. But I do feel like eating raw provides a significant boost against infections and illness, probably against COVID too, so this may give me a substantial risk reduction for the year.

Intuition and Psychic Abilities

My intuition will be much stronger, and I’ll be more accurate at picking up psychic impressions. I’ll get some helpful insights that could benefit myself and others.

I think this is due to the brain working more efficiently and running cleaner.

Another effect is that I find it easier to trust my intuition because it comes through clearer and stronger. I’m less inclined to doubt it. Consequently, I act in alignment with my intuition more often.

More Attractiveness

People are likely to find me more attractive. I’ll get more invitations of various sorts. While out in person, people will be more likely to start up conversations with me, to make side comments to me, or to be flirtatious.

I’m sharing this based on past experiences. Whenever I’ve eaten raw, I’ve seen an increase in people reaching out to me and wanting to connect in some way. I don’t think this is about looking good visually since it happens in person and online. I think it has to do with some kind of energetic effects.

This has the side effect of making the world seem friendlier, more social, and more engaging. I also don’t feel like I have to push myself as much socially because people reach out to connect with ease.

One of the most beautiful social experiences of my life was attending a raw food festival in Sedona with 3000 other raw food enthusiasts. That was an unforgettable glimpse of how humans are meant to interact and engage with each other. Basically take anything you’ve seen from Trump supporters, and imagine everyone doing the opposite behaviors. It’s heavenly to be surrounded by people smiling and beaming love constantly. Talking to anyone about anything is effortless.

I think a lot of social anxiety would be eliminated if more people ate raw.

Empathy and Alignment Sensitivity

I feel more empathy and compassion towards people. World events stir up more emotion in me.

Consequently, I have to be extra careful about alignment and boundary management. Aspects of my life that I could handle on a cooked food diet become harder to handle on raw foods. I crave more purity, decency, honesty, and caring in connections with people. I crave more depth and soulfulness.

Misalignments feel doubly misaligned and can’t remain unresolved. Yesterday I announced on Facebook that I’ll be closing my accounts there (business and personal). I’ll be off that service by the end of the week. I was already thinking about leaving last month, but when I switched to raw foods, that decision became a no-brainer.

Emotional Amplification

Raw emotions are stronger emotions. Sorrow feels sadder. Anger feels madder. Motivation feels more motivating. Since the body has lots of extra energy, you get more amped up emotional juice too. It’s really hard to find a raw foodist who’s emotionally numb.

This is a mixed blessing. Sometimes it’s the most difficult aspect to handle because it’s really hard to go against your feelings when you eat raw. So if you go this route, you’d better be willing to follow a path with a heart. If you’re on a heartless path when you go raw, you’ll probably end up tearing that path to shreds, which will be a good thing since you’ll soon replace it with something much more aligned.

If you can’t even hear the voice of your heart much, you’ll surely hear it loud and clear after eating raw for a while.

Faster Decisions

I experience less internal friction when making decisions, especially less doubt. There’s a more direct line from idea to action. When I get an idea, instead of holding onto it and mulling it over for a while, I’m more likely to flow into action without really trying.

This means fewer ideas die on the vine. More gets done. I spend less time deciding and more time doing and experiencing.

The Year Ahead

The benefits above are relatively predictable based on what I’ve experienced many times before from eating raw. Most of these kick in noticeably within the first month, while other aspects tend to build up more gradually. Even after just the first week, I’m already observing some of these effects. I feel very different than I did just a week ago – all in a good way.

I’ve never eaten all raw for a full year straight though. Six months was my previous record for continuous raw, although I did eat raw for most of 2008. So I’m super curious about whether some of these effects will amp up even more over time or if I’ll observe any new changes along the way. I’m happy to share any meaningful insights that come up.

Life really takes on a whole different flavor when eating raw. All of these changes add up to a new day-to-day experience.

I have a pretty good baseline of stability in my life and business right now, and I want to see how eating raw perturbs that equilibrium. It’s going to be fun to find out.

Relational Goals

Posted on 31/12/2020 by Boris Clair

A nice way to identify goals, especially for the New Year, is to clarify how you’d like to upgrade your relationships with different aspects of life. Then identify and commit to action-based goals that you expect would improve these relationships.

For example, you have a relationship with:

money
your body
each key person in your life
your work
your habits
your daily routine
your exercise routine
your diet
sleep
life
reality
your skills
your emotions
your past self
your future self
your website
your home
your workspace
your lifestyle

You could start by rating each of these relationships on a scale of 1-10. Which of your most important relationships are getting relatively low ratings? These are areas where your current way of relating isn’t working for you. So accept the obvious truth that you must stop relating to these low-rated areas in the same ways you’ve been doing in the past.

Now go another step and describe your existing relationships with the weaker areas. Then contrast this with how you like these relationships to be. You may find clues to your desired relationships within your stronger areas.

Suppose you rated your relationship with money as a 2 out of 10. Perhaps this relationship is full of tension, stress, worry, and anxiety. Clearly your current way of relating to money isn’t working for you. So accept that you must relate to money differently going forward. You must heal the broken relationship.

So where would you like to take this relationship? How would you like to see it improve? Suppose your answer is that you want to relate to money with feelings of ease, lightness, confidence, flow, abundance, playfulness, fun, and trust. Perhaps you want to enjoy and appreciate money and not fear it or stress out about it.

You can transform this relationship with money to make it the way you want it to be, but you have to pick the right kinds of goals that are aligned with this transformation. This means you have to pick different money-related goals than you did in the past. You can’t keep picking goals that stem from a broken relationship. You have to shift to goals that can heal, repair, and upgrade this relationship.

What sense does it make to set income goals such as to make a certain amount of money if you’re piling them on top of a broken relationship? That would be like adding more furniture to a house that’s on fire. If the relationship isn’t working, don’t add more. Set goals to turn that relationship in a more aligned direction.

Often when a relationship isn’t working well, it’s because you aren’t being very strong in your boundaries. It’s the same with relationships among human beings. Without good boundary management, you’ll likely end up miserable.

Targeting a goal like “make more money” is like saying you want to connect with more people – that only works if you’re already good at boundary management. It makes little sense to use this approach if you’re filling your life with abusive relationships. You’re just inviting more conflict and abuse then.

Using our money example, here are some sample goals that may help you transform the relationship in the direction you want it to go:

If your job isn’t aligned with ease, lightness, confidence, flow, abundance, playfulness, fun, and trust, quit the job. If the job is keeping you from creating your desired relationship with money, it has to go. Henceforth make sure that your approach to income generation is aligned with your desired relationship with money. Don’t settle for less.
Buy a small item or upgrade one of your possessions just because you’ll enjoy and appreciate it. Gift yourself with a joyful expenditure to remind yourself that you can enjoy money with ease and lightness. Each time your mind tries to stress over the minor expense, use this item to remind yourself to align with trust and abundance. Keep it around as a symbol of your pending transformation. Remind yourself that you never would have bought this item if you were stuck in stressful scarcity thinking.
Perform a small act of kindness for someone else. Give a small but playful gift. Do a little favor for someone. Lean into the feeling of having excess capacity. So this is another goal to do some specific action that’s incompatible with your old relationship with money. The key is to start taking actions that your old relationship style wouldn’t allow you to take but which are nicely compatible with your new relationship style.
Brainstorm a list of 100 different ways to generate income that are aligned with ease, lightness, confidence, flow, abundance, playfulness, fun, and trust. Review this list each day for 30 days in a row. After you review the full list each day, pick one item and let yourself daydream about actually doing it for five minutes. This will begin training your mind to start thinking in a direction that’s more aligned with your new relationship with money.
Do a modest-sized passive income project based on something you’ll enjoy. Create a new stream of income in a way that honors your desired relationship with money. For instance, one Conscious Growth Club member recently designed and published a new journal that she sells on Amazon, thereby creating her first passive income stream.

Note that these goals are specific and actionable, and they’re intended to shift the relationship from the undesirable to the desirable. When you focus on the relationship you want, you’ll set different kinds of goals. You won’t just be pushing yourself to go further down an old path with an old relational style that isn’t working for you anyway.

Getting the relationship right is the key to sustainable motivation. How will you motivate yourself to work on income generating projects if you’re relating to this area of life with stress and worry? You’ll probably procrastinate and do something else instead because it will make you feel better.

Remember that all of your relationships with different parts of life exist in your mind. Therefore you have the power to change them.

If you can elevate your relationships with different areas of life to a place of feeling good even when the circumstances look challenging, this creates an intelligent base for further investment. You’ll want to keep investing because it will feel good. The motivation is similar to being in love with someone. You naturally want to spend time together because it feels good to do so. And when a human relationship isn’t working well, you’re more likely to want to avoid each other.

This is a simple but powerful frame for setting goals that not only give you a sense of achievement, but they also improve your day-to-day quality of life. Moreover, this approach helps you gain access to bigger achievements and explorations that require more commitment, investment, and motivation – and to enjoy the process of working towards those goals.

Hard Cares

Posted on 28/12/2020 by Boris Clair

What do you care about?

Go ahead and rattle off your initial list – the people you know, doing a good job at work, making a positive difference in the world, etc.

Then dig deeper.

What are your high-risk cares? What do you care about internally but never share because you might be judged for it? What are your unusual cares?

Once you go beyond the the easy-breezy cares, what are the harder cares that require more investment or risk?

Here are some of mine:

I care about the long-term future of humanity and where it’s heading.
I care about politics. I respect and admire good leadership and intelligent decision making. I find the opposite deplorable.
I feel a connection with people who are feeling alone right now, not getting their needs met, wondering if they’ll ever find someone to share their life with or if they’ll even pull out of the slump they’re in. I care about helping them. I like playing the role of being a stable, positive presence in their life, someone who will keep encouraging them with limitless patience.
I care about the people who are in hospitals right now, many dying from COVID, especially those wishing they had more time to live. Sometimes I imagine what it’s like to not be able to breath.
I care about my relationship with this reality. This is a wondrous dimension of existence. I want to keep this relationship rooted in trust. I want to keep making this relationship stronger as I grow older.
I care about my wife. I want her to have a fabulous life full of delightful experiences, playful adventures, warm cuddles, sensual pleasures, inspiring challenges, and cherished memories. I love seeing her stretch herself as we grow together. I love that we are each other’s best friends.
I care about death. I want its presence to keep reminding me to live fully and not to settle for partial matches. I like that it keeps me aware of the potential pain of regret, sometimes with gentle reminders and sometimes with powerful ones.
I care about animals, especially those in the factory farming system that suffer daily in ways that would be unimaginable to humans. I would love to see humanity graduate to a more caring relationship with animals.
I care about technology. Its evolution fascinates me. I love seeing how my relationship with tech has evolved since the 1970s. It’s fun to think about how it will continue to evolve and what possibilities are just over the horizon.
I care about my character. I want to look within myself and like and appreciate what I see. I want to delve into the darkest regions of myself and replace shame, fear, and guilt with love, forgiveness, appreciation, and warmth. I want to live as a fully integrated being, not as a collection of parts arguing amongst themselves.
I care about my relationship with time. I want it to be my friend and ally, not my enemy. I want to look forward to my later years with positive anticipation and pre-appreciation, not with worry or angst. I want to look in the mirror and smile as I watch myself getting older.

Some of these cares led to major changes in how I live my life or how I run my business.

Hard cares are very motivating, but they’re difficult invitations to accept. It’s challenging to move beyond the easy-breezy cares and to admit that they just aren’t giving you enough motivational juice.

When I imagine doing things that other people seem to care about, like showing up to a corporate job each day, they just seem demotivating and pointless… like why would I want to waste my precious life on that, even for one day?

But I can easily get myself to spend days on end delving into esoteric aspects of personal growth that few people who like corporate jobs would understand or care about, but these explorations matter to me.

If I want to experience a life that flows with lots of motivational juice, I have to pursue and explore what I truly care about, not what society expects me to care about. This includes accepting that my cares are good and that they’re mine to explore and understand.

One care that’s been fascinating me a lot lately is my relationship with aging. I turn 50 in a few months, so knowing that I’m about to enter a new decade of my life is pushing this idea to the front of my mind. Society in general has a tremendously negative relationship with aging. I want to create a vastly more positive relationship with this aspect of life.

My hard cares are mostly relationships with different aspects of life. I care about making those relationships healthy, positive, and rich in appreciation. When I spot a relationship that isn’t working, I ask myself if I truly care about that relationship, and then I think about what changes I’ll need to make to invest in long-term improvement.

Investing in hard cares, especially by defining them as relationships, works very well.

I found it difficult to care about money, but I was able to care about my relationship with money. I didn’t want that relationship to be full of stress and angst. I wanted it to be full of abundance, playfulness, trust, creativity, and fun. I still don’t care much about money, but I love that I’ve been able to create this kind of relationship with money. I appreciate the relationship way more than the money itself.

I found it difficult to care about business, but I definitely care about my relationship with my business. I want this relationship to be rich in exploration, variety, connection, purpose, positive ripples, creative flow, and inspiration. I also want my relationship with my business to be light, playful, and flexible, not so heavy and controlling. I never want to feel trapped by my business. I want to feel engaged and uplifted. The desire to have this kind of relationship led to some careful decisions, including avoiding many “opportunities” that could easily turn the experience into a stressful trap. I love my business, and I want to keep that relationship happy and healthy for many more years.

I encourage you to take a hard look at the relationships with parts of your life that aren’t working so well. Describe the current relationship based on how you feel about it. Then describe how you’d like that relationship to be. Recognize that these are your hard cares, and to get aligned with them, you’ll need to make some hard decisions.

Be willing to say no to relationships that aren’t working for you. Elevate your hard cares from “nice to haves” to the level of “must haves.”

Many years ago I tolerated partial matches in my professional and personal life. I treated my hard cares as soft cares. That was very unsatisfying.

It was tough to go against the social grain and to demand better relationships from life. It was hard to admit the truth that these relationships really do matter a lot to me, and I’m not willing to sacrifice what I want to live up to someone else’s expectations.

It was hard to say, “No, I’m not just going to suck it up and suppress my feelings.”

It was hard to leave… again and again… till I got these relationships right.

But oh it was so worth it.

Secure Attachment and Investment

Posted on 27/12/2020 by Boris Clair

In psychology there are three general ways to relate to other people, depending on how you interpret and manage emotional risk.

You can avoid deep emotional investments in people (avoidant attachment).
You can try to control other people (anxious attachment).
You can intelligently bond with people and invest in secure relationships (secure attachment).

You can generalize these dispositions to consider how you relate to different areas of life. Are you hiding? Are you over-controlling? Or are you securely investing?

There’s really a spectrum here for different aspects of life and for relating with different types of people, so in practice there are a lot more than just three options.

Your root relationship is your relationship with reality itself. That’s the most important one to get right because it’s the one from which all other relationships flow. All of your relationships are a part of your reality, so if your base relationship with reality is shaky, that will negatively affect all the others. This relationship is so important that I created the full 60-day Submersion course to help you explore, improve, and invest deeply in this core relationship to make it stronger and healthier. Do you feel grounded and secure in this life? That answer needs to be a yes.

Another relationship that’s critical to get right is your relationship with yourself. This is what the 65-lesson Stature course delves into in tremendous detail. It’s the deepest and most thorough self-exploration course that I’m aware of. The purpose is to help you face the full-spectrum truth about yourself and and to develop a healthy and empowering lifelong relationship with all aspects of yourself, including your inner critic, your inner child, and more.

From here you can consider relationships with people and with other aspects of life.

Our next deep dive (for the first quarter of 2021) will be about creative productivity. This new course will help you develop a healthy and secure relationship with your own creative flow. This doesn’t just mean doing creative work like writing or game development. It means managing the creative flow of your entire life as well. What kind of life are you creating? Do you like the direction your life is going? Are you over-steering or under-steering? How can you intelligently manage this flow on each time scale, hour by hour, year by year, and decade by decade, especially with an increasing rate of change?

For many years I’ve enjoyed a secure and healthy relationship with my creative flow, but I didn’t always have that kind of relationship. I had to work through issues like procrastination, selecting projects for the wrong reasons, seeing too many projects die on the vine, feeling too anxious about certain modes of expression (public speaking, being live on camera), overplaying the importance of money, etc.

I continue to invest in improving this relationship, which is really a collection of many different relationships. This year I discovered more depth and nuance in my relationship with creative output through the 365-day blogging challenge. If I wasn’t securely bonded in this relationship, it could have been a difficult year requiring a lot of discipline. But I was exploring a relationship that was already very healthy and positive, so I found the overall experience to be beautiful, warm, and relaxing.

Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries connects with these ideas as well. We can’t deeply invest our time and energy in relationships with everyone and everything. Do you know which relationships you want to deepen and which relationships you’d prefer to avoid? Do you know where you want to plant your social and emotional flag? Is that flag securely planted where you want it to be?

I especially love the depth of exploration that comes from secure bonding, so I can really invest long-term.

One of my personal flags is securely planted in a vegan lifestyle and vegan ethics. I’ve invested almost 24 years of my life in this path, and I want to keep investing for the rest of my life. I love being vegan, and my relationship with veganism keeps growing stronger and deeper. Next year I want to deepen this relationship even more by investing in a full year of a raw foods lifestyle.

I also really enjoy the secure bonding I have in my relationship with Rachelle. Lockdowns and social restrictions seem almost trivial when I get to spend each day with her. I never tire of spending time with her. Day after day I always look forward to even more time with her – hours, days, weeks, months, and years ahead. I love investing in our relationship.

Here’s the key that I struggled with for a long time: the notion of settling. I got stuck for so long by trying to settle for less than I really wanted.

The problem with settling for a partial match is that you don’t feel good enough about the relationship to full invest in it. Some part of you always holds back. The thought of investing may even give you a queasy feeling.

That was me in my first business. I liked many aspects of game development, but I too often felt like I was falling short when it came to contributing, making a difference, and really caring about people as much as I could. There was a certain coldness to the work, and I wanted to invest in more warmth. It was always going to be a partial match for me, so I could never unlock 100% of my desire to invest. Some part of me was always going to have doubts, wondering if maybe I should be doing something else.

My first marriage followed a different trajectory. I did feel very invested in it in the early years, but eventually incompatibilities grew, and it became clear that each of us wanted to invest in different directions. Looking back I do feel good about investing in that relationship while it lasted. I also see that it was best for us to move on when we could no longer truly invest in building a life together going forward.

What I love about my life today is that I feel securely bonded with people and aspects of life with which I’m can really invest long-term.

I can also see where I’m not investing as a sign that I may be dealing with a partial match, in which case the solution isn’t to settle but rather to find a full match where I can really invest.

A Growth Heartset

Posted on 25/12/2020 by Boris Clair

You may have heard about the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset and how important a growth mindset is for self-development. You may not have considered how important a growth heartset is too.

While a growth mindset is wonderful, it’s not enough. There are plenty of people with growth mindsets who struggle, burn out, and give up. And even when they don’t give up, it’s painful to watch sometimes because they invite struggle, struggle, and more struggle. They keep trying to “earn” happiness and fulfillment, and it keeps eluding them. They may work hard and try hard, but they always look like they desperately need a massage or a vacation… or a vacation full of massages.

What’s going on? Such people may have a growth mindset, but if they lack a growth heartset, they’re very likely to find themselves grinding through year after year of struggle with no end in sight.

A few lists can help clarify this.

A growth mindset includes:

opportunity awareness
expecting that you’ll keep learning and growing
never using “I don’t know how” as an excuse
expecting that you’ll gain new skills
expecting that you’ll continue to improve your skills and gain new skills
expecting to become more capable over time
investing in long-term self-development
job and career flexibility
adaptability to change
deliberately challenging yourself
setting stretch goals
inviting and embracing new experiences
willing and able to make new friends and build new relationships
maintaining strong personal boundaries (so your boundaries aren’t being violated by. misalignments)
learning and bouncing back from failure (resilience)

A fixed mindset includes:

opportunity blindness
figuring that you’ve already learned most of what you need to know
figuring that school is for learning and life after school is for doing
identifying with your job or career
identifying yourself based on personality attributes
identifying yourself based on what you’re good at or not good at and not expecting that to change much over time
resisting change
expected to earn a pre-determined annual salary (fixed income mindset)
feeling stuck with the same social group (fixed social/family mindset)
dismissing ideas and opportunities with the “I don’t know how” excuse
tolerating boundary violations
avoiding failure by not trying

If you’ve been reading my work for a while, it’s very likely that you lean towards a growth mindset. It’s probably obvious why a growth mindset is better for you.

The next two lists, however, can be more polarizing. For some people these will be at least as obvious as the two lists above. For others there may be some surprises that invite self-examination and reassessment, especially the items related to aging.

A growth heartset includes:

seeing your biggest fears as invitations to grow and expecting to eventually master what you fear (such as public speaking)
expecting to eventually outgrow your major fears, knowing that someday you will no longer feel fear in those situations
feeling pleasure and enjoyment from facing fears
weaving playfulness, fun, and other positive emotions into your goals
shifting away from overly head-based goals that don’t excite you emotionally
expecting that your boldest and most courageous years are still ahead of you
doing some things just for fun, completely shamelessly
expecting to become happier and to have more fun as you age
looking forward to your future years with positive anticipation, including your 70s, 80s, and beyond
growing in boldness and courage over time
expecting to be emotionally stronger and more confident in your later years
expecting to set and achieve more ambitious goals as you age
taking alignment problems seriously, knowing that you’ll do whatever it takes to solve them
being willing to let go of people who aren’t aligned with the direction you want to go and the kind of life you want to have
falling more deeply in love with your life with each passing decade
expecting your relationships to become more aligned and harmonious
expecting to appreciate and enjoy your relationships even more as you age
feeling centered, grounded, and at home here (even while alone)
speaking your truth and letting your social circle realign as needed
feeling inspired and encouraged by people who are further along similar paths (seeing them as allies, not competitors)
feeling patient, persistent, hopeful, and determined
being willing and able to fully commit yourself to new actions and behaviors, even when you aren’t sure how they’ll turn out
investing in a relationship with reality based on deep and abiding trust
expecting to trust life even more as you age
appreciating vulnerable honesty in yourself and others
embracing intelligent risk taking
being coachable and willing to ask for help, advice, or coaching
wanting and expecting to care even more as you age (about people, animals, life, social issues, etc)
deeply enjoying and appreciating your leisure time
knowing that your feelings matter tremendously
knowing that you can always invite and tune in to the flow of inspiration

A fixed heartset includes:

feeling threatened by change
avoiding growth experiences that require facing fears
expecting that your fears will always be your fears
fearing or worrying about aging (dreading getting older)
feeling clingy and attached to what you have and not wanting to risk it
worrying about financial decline or financial threats
complaining about what you don’t want
feeling jealous or envious of people who have what you struggle to achieve
feeling discouraged, impatient, or frustrated when your goals take longer than you’d like
unwillingness to fully commit yourself
unwillingness to take emotional risks that could lead to failure or rejection
dismissing your feelings as less important than your logical thoughts
avoiding commitments that would require a significant emotional risk or emotional investment
feeling like you must justify doing “just for fun” activities (such as to your spouse or to colleagues)
feeling guilty or unsettled when taking time off
setting vague goals like “make more money” or “get healthier” (no real commitment, no emotional investment, also highly ineffective)
being too proud, self-sufficient, or timid to seek help, advice, or coaching
feeling alienated, disconnected, and alone (and expecting this to continue)
feeling that you must hide your true self from the world
avoiding actions that could invite criticism
staying emotionally aloof or emotionally anxious
expecting to retire someday (in terms of reducing your emotional investment in life)
never really knowing if you can trust this reality and therefore holding back on your willingness to invest
holding back on expressing your feelings
surrendering to the “fact” that no one will ever say “I love you” to you and mean it

Which way does your heartset currently lean?

If you know in your mind that you can grow, but your heart isn’t onboard with that, you’ll likely succumb to a lot of struggle and stuck-in-your-headness. You’ll often be pushing against your own emotions instead of enjoying the long-term benefits of strong, positive motivation that helps you flow through life with lightness and fun.

The good news is that you can use that fancy growth mindset of yours to recognize and acknowledge the importance of developing a growth heartset too. You can learn to spot the predictable problems that could throw your life off track, such as fear of aging and lack of commitment, and you can decide to work on improving these aspects. When you begin to grasp the value of emotional alignment, that’s a big step in the right direction.

Heartstorming

Posted on 15/12/2020 by Boris Clair

Heartstorming is brainstorming with the heart (or the emotional part of your brain).

The mental kind of brainstorming is good for generating problem-solving ideas. It’s useful for mapping out the logical space of solutions. Generate lots of ideas, and sift through them to pick the best ones.

That kind of brainstorming, however, is terrible for setting goals and priorities, especially big picture goals for your life.

That’s because you can’t set priorities dispassionately. Goals are emotional in nature. The logical brain doesn’t distinguish between the value of brushing your teeth versus transforming someone’s life. You have to feel your way into priorities.

Evaluating Options

How do you evaluate options on a brainstorming list? You’ll likely evaluate them based on effectiveness, practicality, or impact – or something along those lines.

To evaluate options on a heartstorming list, look for emotional resonance. Look for passion, excitement, playfulness, love, joy, silliness, connection, scariness, etc. Look for ideas that rile you up and make you want to take action. Look for ideas that might scare or embarrass you. Notice which ideas keep drawing your attention, even if they seem a bit ludicrous.

What if none of your ideas are like that? Then you suck at heartstorming. That’s okay. Lots of people suck at this because many of us are taught a different way of thinking that gets in the way of heartstorming. We learn to silence the voice of our hearts. Big mistake… but we can correct that.

Young children tend to be naturally good at heartstorming. Ask a kid what they want for a gift. Then listen to their answers. Are they brainstorming or heartstorming? You’ll probably see mostly heartstorming, including answers that may be impractical or illogical but which clearly have some emotional resonance.

You probably knew how to do heartstorming when you were very young. Did you lose touch with this skill? Have you forgotten (or overlooked) the value of doing this as an adult? How’s that working out for you?

The Value of Heartstorming

I rely on heartstorming more than brainstorming for making decisions about what to do with my life. I imagine what would be fun, fascinating, courageous, a little bit insane, growth-oriented, social, creative, and so on. I look for emotional resonance. Then I pick something that fascinates me, and I push my brain to get with the program. My brain almost always objects initially – it’s stubborn that way – but the heart is very powerful when it leads.

A brainstormed goals list would include things like making a certain amount of money. That’s boring as hell, Mr. Scrooge. It’s logical, but why should the heart care? It probably doesn’t care. So where will the fire come from? Your motivation to act will probably evaporate as soon as you set a goal like that. Your money goal just makes everyone yawn.

A heartstormed goals list will include weird and wild ideas that you’re afraid to share with other people. But some of these goals will excite your heart anyway. And if you describe them to other people, their brains will likely reject those goals, but their hearts may feel some resonance. And if they’re really in tune with their hearts too, they may even encourage you to go for it.

One of my heartstormed goals is to visit every Disney theme park in the world with my wife. We’ve been to all six USA parks, so we have six left: Paris (2), Hong Kong, Shanghai, and Tokyo (2). Is this a logical goal? Nope! It just sounds like fun. So we’ll probably do it (when it’s safe to do so). We’ve been to Paris twice before, so it would be a simple matter to pick that one up, but this goal will also get us to visit Asia finally.

I especially love that I have a wife who enjoys working on heart-based goals and having heart-based experiences together. That’s a special kind of joy when I can share a wild idea with her, and her reaction is basically, “You had me at hello.”

Heartstormed goals that feel emotionally resonate are easier to act on. Motivation is emotional, so if you lean into the emotional aspects, it’s way easier to flow into action.

What’s also great about heartstormed goals is that because action is easier, you can achieve more goals. Additionally, you’ll pick up some head-based goals that come along for the ride; they’re easier to achieve when you use a heart-first approach.

I like to pick fun and interesting projects that also happen to generate income, as opposed to setting income-based goals. I do my best to make the income-generating parts fun too. One day I earned $30K while spending a day at Disneyland with my wife. Doing an online launch while going to Disneyland isn’t a logical goal, but it is fun and motivating. I enjoy the silliness of it. And oddly it’s easier for me to earn money in ways that are silly or unusual.

Brainstormed goals make your brain lazy. Your brain will come up with the most dreadfully dull and predictable ideas that you probably aren’t going to implement anyway.

But if you assign idea generation to your heart, it will fill up your list with wild and crazy ideas, some of which will indeed be stupid, but others will be fun and worthwhile. The best ideas will challenge your brain to stretch creatively. They’ll expand your conception of what’s possible. They’ll wake you up.

Would you rather earn an extra $30K by slaving away at some corporate job for however long that takes? If so, keep generating ideas from your headspace. For the heart, earning an extra $30K is a fun and silly goal – pretty easy when you’re motivated and creative.

Would you rather put your heart in charge of your project choices and demand more from your brain? Why the hell can’t you earn $30K in a day while going in rides at Disneyland? And do this with your best friend and lover that you enjoy spending time with? Create fun memories together, and get paid for the experience. With the heart there’s no compromise. You get enjoyment and results. You get a full, rich, and balanced life.

The logical brain generates embarrassingly crappy priorities – so uncreative, unambitious, and uninspiring.

When you do heartstorming, you’ll probably be laughing and crying along the way. Sometimes you’ll get scared by an idea. You should FEEL something as you generate ideas. The emotion should get stronger as you dive deeper into heartspace.

How to Heartstorm

Give this a try. It’s very easy, but it does take practice.

Open a new page in your journal. Write at the top what kind of list you want to make. Then start typing or writing ideas. But instead of focusing on your brain to generate ideas, put your attention on your heart. Go into your heartspace, and listen from there. Invite your emotions to speak. Tell your logical brain to shut up for a while. Invite your heart to generate ideas.

Pretend you’re four years old again. You can do this. It’s a no-brainer. 😉

Being a Source of Pleasure

Posted on 09/12/2020 by Boris Clair

To extend the topic of yesterday’s article on your relationship with pleasure, let’s flip that idea around and consider what it’s like for someone else to relate to you on the basis of pleasure.

How do you feel about playing the role of being a source of pleasure for someone else?

Such a relationship can be corrupted by weaving in manipulation, lying, abuse, victimization, etc. And just as with yesterday’s article, I encourage you to set aside those aspects because they aren’t endemic to pleasure-based connections.

Is it possible to connect with someone simply on the basis of giving and/or receiving pleasure without weaving in any negative aspects? Could you keep the pleasure aspects simple, clean, healthy, fun, and pure?

Of course. Many people connect this way very naturally. They’ve developed a healthy relationship with pleasure that’s good for them and for others.

It’s tempting to throw away the whole concept of sharing pleasure with someone when you’ve lost your childhood innocence about it and you’ve been subjected to abuse. Pleasure isn’t to blame for that though.

Abuse and pleasure don’t have to mix. Some people are adamantly opposed to mixing them. You can still engage with the purity and simplicity of pleasure-based connections without making them complicated.

Imagine having another person in your life who is willing and able to do things for you that feel really good. And suppose they enjoy playing that role for you. And suppose they’re honest about their intentions and you can trust them.

For some people it might seem like a monumental task to reach this point. For others it’s just their normal daily reality.

For me it’s been both. These days it seems totally natural as part of the daily flow of abundance, both to play this role for someone and to have someone in my life who enjoys playing this role for me. It’s delightful to enjoy pleasure abundance instead of pleasure scarcity.

But it’s so easy to push this kind of pleasure away, both in terms of giving and receiving, when you wrap negative aspects into it. It’s very easy to succumb to a dysfunctional relationship with pleasure.

For me the negative aspect I wrapped into it involved guilt and shame, mainly because that’s what I was taught from childhood. Pleasure was some kind of temptation from the devil and couldn’t be trusted. Many activities that felt good were deemed sinful and wrong. Sometimes I did things just for fun that I later had to confess to a priest as sins and ask for forgiveness. You can imagine what a messed-up relationship this creates with pleasure itself. It was confusing to grasp why some pleasure was wrong and some was okay when it didn’t align with my intuitive impressions.

It took a while to unload and release this corrupted mindset. Admittedly it’s still a part of me today, but I can at least see it for what it is and set it aside when it tries to rise up. It’s especially helpful to have reference experiences to remind me that sharing pleasure with people is actually really nice and that not every situation needs to be approached with suspicion and jadedness.

I also learned that some previous forms of pleasure do feel wrong to me, so I no longer engage in them. For instance, I don’t relate to animals’ bodies as products to be bought and consumed. I can never achieve a purity of pleasure there because this type of action always feels wrong and abusive to me. Trying to cultivate a pleasure-based relationship with animal abuse, as I was taught growing up, only pulled me out of touch with my deeper feelings.

Because of so many negative associations to pleasure, it’s hard to simply invite a pleasure-based experience, but the biggest blocks really are internal. When you transform and purify your relationship with pleasure, you’re much more likely to connect with others who feel similarly, and you’ll probably feel more compassion towards people who still wrap fear, guilt, or shame into it.

Another risk is that if you don’t come to terms with your relationship with pleasure, you may develop a distrusting and jaded relationship with this part of you that endures for years or decades. And that may make it hard to connect with people because a lot of human connection flows through the realm of pleasure. People will give you space instead of inviting you to share experiences with them because they’ll sense that you prefer to keep your distance.

What I found especially helpful here was to take a deep and honest look at my own intentions for pleasure-based connections and to consider how I really felt about them. Which intentions seemed good and honorable? What seemed problematic? Where were the right boundaries for me?

Is it wrong to want a hug? A make-out session? A massage? A sexual experience? A kinky sexual experience?

I had a lot of gunk in my mind that wrapped guilt, shame, or fear into many types of experiences that didn’t require those negative associations. Why feel guilty about receiving a massage from someone who willingly gives it? This guilt about receiving also corrupted the experience of giving, as if giving pleasure to someone automatically did them a disservice by potentially stirring up some negative feelings related to receiving pleasure. It was difficult to see that many people simply don’t have such negative associations to pleasure. That’s because these associations are learned, and we don’t all have the same learning experiences.

I found it especially helpful to journal about this to work through my thoughts and also to discuss this with people on similar journeys. It was eye-opening to connect with people who didn’t have negative associations to giving or receiving pleasure. For them it just seemed like a normal and natural thing to do… no big deal. They could still be cautious about risks and make careful choices regarding partners, but this caution didn’t devolve into suspicion of pleasure itself. They still trusted pleasure.

Take a look at your relationship with pleasure on the giving side. How do you feel about serving as a source of pleasure for someone else? Are you ever in the mood for that? Do you ever feel like it’s okay or even fun and rewarding to allow someone to enjoy you for their own pleasure? Could you do this without feeling resentful, abused, victimized, or used in a bad way?

Under the right conditions, I like playing this role. It’s nice to make someone feel good. It’s nice to be enjoyed and appreciated as a source of pleasure for someone. I like making people feel good. I love the simplicity and the purity of it. It’s a delightful way for humans to connect.

There are lots of ways to be a source of pleasure for someone. Maybe someone finds you intellectually stimulating. Maybe they want to do something physically or sexually pleasurable with you. Maybe they love your sense of humor or your positive attitude. Maybe they enjoy your beauty, they love hearing the sound of your voice, or they just feel delighted to be in your presence.

Do you ever feel this way towards other people? How do you feel about someone feeling this way towards you?

Could you even say to someone, “Enjoy my body. Have fun with me. Do whatever you like. I want you to feel good”? Does that seem exciting or threatening? Of course you can still specify any boundaries to define your limits.

How would you feel if someone said these things to you? Could you receive this happily and deservedly without feeling like you have to earn it? Could you say a “hell yes” to it? Or is it too much muchness?

This is an area where we can benefit tremendously from more honest and courageous communication. Instead of having to disguise pleasure-based intentions and sneak or manipulate your way into someone’s space, we could just be honest and upfront about what we’d actually like to share and explore together.

Suppose that what you really want is to explore a pleasure-based experience with someone. Could you invite or offer that when you realize that it’s what you want? Or do you need to disguise your intention and pretend you want something else?

My romantic relationship with Rachelle began with a mutual intention to share and explore pleasure together. We didn’t go on any dates first. We simply decided to play together. We wanted to enjoy each other. Co-creating and co-exploring fun and pleasure have been embedded in our relationship from the start, and this is still a significant part of our relationship today. We enjoy making each other feel good – physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I like being a source of pleasure for her, and she likes being a source of pleasure for me. As I noted in a previous article this week, we see each other as gifts.

If you’d told me 30 years ago that I could someday have a relationship like this, I wouldn’t have believed you. It was a long journey to recover from so many negative associations to pleasure. But I have to say that it’s been an immensely rewarding path. In fact, I think I enjoy pleasure even more because of how much work I had to do to clean up this relationship and restore it to a state of health, flow, and abundance.

How do you begin such a journey, especially if your concept of pleasure is wrapped up in negative past experiences or associations? You decide that it’s time to heal this relationship. That won’t happen overnight. It may in fact be a very long journey, but it begins with the decision to heal your relationship with pleasure.

You can have a lot of pleasure in your life – every day if you want. You can share pleasure with willing partners, free of fear, shame, or guilt. You can restore your relationship with pleasure to a pure and healthy state. You can have abundance instead of scarcity in this area of life.

Pleasure isn’t evil. It isn’t addictive. It isn’t dangerous. It isn’t abusive. It isn’t unsafe or unhealthy.

Pleasure is satisfaction. It’s smiling. It’s feeling good. It’s a hug from reality. It’s a gift.

How will you relate to this gift?

Healing this relationship is just one phase of the journey. Beyond that you can continue to explore and elevate this relationship, such as by weaving in caring, beauty, playfulness, and curiosity. Once you feel safe and secure in the space of pleasure, you can also do a bit more risk-taking to explore your boundaries and other people’s boundaries if they’re willing. You can map out more of the possibility space to discover where the most delightful gifts are.

Do you trust pleasure? Do you think it’s a curse that just messes people up? Or can you see it as an invitation? It really is an invitation to grow, to heal, to connect, to align with abundance, and to have more fun in life.

Your relationship with pleasure is a delicate one to get right. It may seem like it’s leading you astray now and then, and sometimes you may be tempted to swear it off completely, but the invitation to dance with it is always present, and pleasure is a very patient dance partner.

Here’s another key benefit of healing this relationship. As you go through this inner journey for yourself, you can also help others who also want to heal this relationship. That helps to put this challenge in context. You’re not just healing this relationship for yourself alone. This isn’t just about your own pleasure. Your healing journey will also influence and uplift others who want to heal this relationship too. This may help you see that this is a more meaningful and purposeful pursuit than you initially realized.

Your Relationship With Pleasure

Posted on 08/12/2020 by Boris Clair

What is your relationship with pleasure like?

Do you experience and enjoy pleasure when you’re in the mood for it?

Do you have an addictive relationship with it?

Do you have an on-again, off-again relationship with it?

Does your relationship with pleasure feel healthy, supportive, and fun?

Is your relationship with pleasure simple or complex?

Here’s one of more interesting questions to ask yourself:

Do you trust pleasure?

And here’s another meaningful question:

What kind of relationship would you like to have with pleasure?

Pleasure is just pleasure. In its simplest form, it is pure enjoyment. There is nothing else wrapped into it – no distraction, no addiction, no escapism, no guilt, no shame, no fear, no negative consequences.

This past summer I loved eating delicious peaches – so sweet, juicy, and flavorful. I’d often buy 2-3 boxes at a time because I would eat so many of them. Even when I ate five of them in a day, there were no negative consequences that I could discern. They were simply delicious, and I enjoyed the energy they gave me too. This is a a very uncomplicated form of pleasure, and it’s easy to have a healthy relationship with it.

Last month my wife and I did a 30-day challenge of kissing each other for at least one minute each day. It hardly took any time, it was among the easiest “challenges” ever, and it was pure pleasure for us both. It was a nice daily reminder to kiss just because we enjoy it. It feels good to share tender kisses, playful kisses, and passionate kisses alike. Just one minute of kissing is very emotionally satisfying.

But of course there are other forms of pleasure that can become problematic because they’re wrapped up with some negative qualities like addiction or abuse. Choosing a healthy and pleasurable experience isn’t the same as choosing an unhealthy one.

We can project a lot of neediness onto pleasure. We can want it to play a bigger role for us, such as saving us from our problems or providing a substitute for real human relationships. But projecting such neediness onto pleasure isn’t likely to lead to a healthy relationship with pleasure.

Some people wrap so much angst into various forms of pleasure that they try to fix this by swearing off pleasure altogether. They try to get control over it through abstinence. It isn’t necessary to go this far though, just as it isn’t necessary to swear off all human relationships just because you’ve endured some rough ones. It’s not the pleasure that’s the problem. It’s the neediness and projection you bring to it. Pleasure is fine. It’s your relationship with pleasure that needs some improvement.

Consider instead that you can change your relationship with pleasure by relating to it in a much purer and simpler way. Pleasure isn’t an escape. It isn’t a solution. It isn’t an achievement. It isn’t a source of fear, shame, or guilt.

Pleasure is simply a gift. You open it. You receive it. You enjoy it. You appreciate it. And that’s it.

Don’t make it complicated.

Pleasure is fearless, guiltless, and shameless. If you feel fear, shame, or guilt, it isn’t the pleasure itself that made you feel that way. Enjoyment is just enjoyment.

In 2016 when Rachelle and I spent 30 days in a row going to Disneyland, it was a monthlong deep dive into fun. I found the experience transformational in ways I didn’t expect. I like that Disneyland’s ethos gave us permission to engage with fun in such an immersive way for 10-16 hours per day. That experience was beneficial on multiple levels – good for our relationship, nice to spend so much time outdoors, great for incubating business ideas, 10-12 miles of daily walking, and it led to the launch of Conscious Growth Club about six months later. I was hesitant to do it, but it was one of the best deep dives ever.

You can healthfully engage with many simple forms of pleasure, such as by enjoying a juicy peach or a delightful kiss with a willing (and uninfected!) partner. You don’t have to descend into a complex and perilous relationship with pleasure.

When you engage with different forms of pleasure, pay attention to the relationship. Is it still clean, pure, and simple? Are you still engaging to experience pleasure? Or have made the relationship complicated? Do you feel addicted or compelled to engage? Are some negative consequences occurring such as guilt about wasting time, damage to your health, or feeling ashamed that you violated your values?

If you notice that your relationship with some form of pleasure has grown complicated in undesirable ways, you can transition out of that relationship and reinvest in other forms of pleasure that are simpler and purer.

If you clean up this relationship with pleasure, you can sustainably experience a wide variety of healthy forms of pleasure, which can enrich your life tremendously without dragging you down.

Here’s a good way to frame this from a spiritual perspective:

I invite and intend a lifelong relationship with pleasure that is pure, clean, and healthy – and free of any fear, shame, or guilt.

When you do feel fear, shame, or guilt, trace it back to its source. Figure out where those feelings are coming from. Notice that they aren’t coming from the pleasure itself. They’re coming from somewhere else, like the meaning you’re attaching to the experience or the negative side effects of the particular form of pleasure that you’ve chosen. So then you have an invitation to clean up this relationship. Cleanse it. Elevate it. Purify it.

Let your relationship with pleasure be a clean, pure, and healthy gift.

The Spiritual Purpose of a Relationship

Posted on 07/12/2020 by Boris Clair

Each relationship that you’ve had, whether short-term or long-term, can be interpreted through the lens of spiritual purpose.

Why are you and your partner in each other’s lives? What are you here to do for each other spiritually?

I’d learned of this concept during my 20s but just in a very limited way. The idea was that we’re all spiritual teachers for each other. A relationship is supposedly a spiritual growth experience.

I think that framing held me back because it doesn’t fully encompass what’s possible.

My first marriage to Erin did seem to have that purpose of being co-teachers to each other. In the early years of our 15-year relationship, Erin and I often noted that I was teaching her courage while she was teaching me compassion. We both learned a lot from each other, sometimes by example and something through direct help and advice.

That relationship was challenging at times, but it was also loving, supportive, and patient. We shared a long journey together, which eventually came to an end. When I look back upon that relationship, it feels like it fulfilled its purpose for us both. One friend said to me afterwards, “You completed your marriage.” That’s still how it feels today, now that more than 11 years have passed since we separated.

But is that the only possible purpose of a long-term relationship? Must we always be in a relationship where the main purpose is spiritual teaching?

Not at all. The spiritual purpose of a relationship can be a lot more flexible than that. It doesn’t have to go in a co-teaching direction.

My current (almost 11-year) relationship with Rachelle isn’t about co-teaching. While we can play those roles for each other if we want, this isn’t a big part of our relationship and never really was.

Last night we had a short discussion about the spiritual purpose of our relationship. Neither of us look upon each other as spiritual teachers. The way we actually see each other is more like spiritual gifts.

Rachelle said she feels like her role is to be my reward, and that’s how I see her as well. I enjoy and appreciate her so much that it feels very natural to just revel in that space of appreciation and enjoyment when we’re together.

She feels much the same about me – that I’m her reward. We aren’t co-teachers for each other. It’s more accurate to say that we’re co-playmates, co-lovers, life companions, and best friends.

Spending time with Rachelle is like watching my favorite movie, The Princess Bride. Even when it’s familiar, it’s still fun and enjoyable, and I always find something to appreciate in it.

I feel like the main role I play for Rachelle spiritually is to fully and deeply appreciate her as she is. I feel delighted to be in her presence each day, and I love that I see and appreciate so much beauty and wonder in her that other people might miss. I feel like she needs to be fully appreciated and that my role for her spiritually is basically to gush appreciation at her each day. I especially love to make her laugh and smile.

We fit together like puzzle pieces. What she offers in a relationship is what I naturally appreciate and enjoy, and vice versa.

Being spiritual teachers to each other doesn’t really describe us. But I can say that we do help each other to spiritually grow. This doesn’t have to do with challenging each other though. As much as we both love a good challenge, we’re both already very good at challenging ourselves in a variety of ways. So we don’t particularly need to push each other. When one of us suggests a new challenge, we’ll sometimes agree to do it together when it makes sense, and otherwise we won’t.

I’m doing a one-year blogging challenge this year. Rachelle just passed 440 days in a row of closing all of her Apple Watch rings, so she has 60 more days to reach her goal of 500. Last month we both did NaNoWriMo and successfully completed that challenge. This month she’s doing a 30-day decluttering challenge along with some other CGC members. I’m preparing for a one-year experience of eating all raw in 2021, so I’m spending some time each day re-familiarizing myself with raw meals and practicing various raw recipes. I’d also like an easier December since I’ll be working on a new deep dive course early next year, which can be an intense experience.

If we weren’t in a relationship together, Rachelle and I would still be working on our personal growth as individuals. So we don’t need the relationship to play that role for us. We share this part of our life together, but it doesn’t seem to connect with the purpose of our relationship.

In terms of spiritual growth, our relationship feels like the universe said to each of us, “You’re doing great. How about a nice reward that you’ll surely enjoy and appreciate? Here you go! Have fun!”

This is a very different framing to place upon a relationship instead of being co-teachers for each other. It’s especially different from the lens that says you should be in a relationship with someone who antagonizes you because it will help you grow.

Rachelle and I are already good at identifying and diving into new growth experiences. Neither of us really wants or needs to push each other to grow more than we’re already doing. We can simply trust that we’re both going to keep learning and growing no matter what, and there’s ample evidence to prove that to each other.

It feels to me that maybe these aspects are connected, like the reason I get to be in a relationship with a “reward” at this stage of life is that I’ve locked in a consistent and perpetual flow of growth experiences without feeling overwhelmed. I’ve figured out a flow that works for me, and Rachelle has found a flow that works for her.

We both spend a lot of time helping and serving others too, so that may be part of this as well.

I’m not sure about this aspect of the framing though. It could just be the ex-Catholic in me that feels that every reward must first be earned. It would be interesting to know if other people are in relationships that feel like spiritual rewards that they didn’t have to spiritually earn first.

What Rachelle and I love doing for each other is to be each others playmates and to share love, appreciation, affection, friendship, and encouragement.

We’re also co-adventurers. We love traveling together. We love having shared experiences. Our favorite type of “challenge” to do together would be to share in some new kind of adventure together. We’ve always had a good time exploring new cities together. We’ve been to dozens of different cities throughout our relationship, which began as a cross-border relationship where switching countries was necessary just to see each other.

Even under COVID conditions where we’re spending way more time at home than in a typical year, I never feel bored with her. As much time as we’ve already spent together, I still crave more. I love spending each day with her. Somehow this continues to feel fresh and new, even when the setting and circumstances are familiar. She’s a source of beauty that I enjoy each day without feeling like the enjoyment and appreciation could ever run out.

This relationship feels like it’s exactly what we both want and need. It’s wonderful to spend each day with a partner who feels like a gift and a reward. It’s fascinating to be in a relationship with a woman who sees me in the same light.

This kind of framing is relaxing and restorative. Neither of us feels like we must “work” on the relationship to fix problems or to improve it. We actually succeed in our relationship mainly by being, not by doing. Simply being present makes our relationship fulfill its purpose. Just cuddling each other on the couch feels very purposeful.

Remember that feeling you have when you buy a new piece of tech like the latest smart phone, and for a while you feel extra special because you have the latest and greatest? But then a year later, a new version comes out… and then another new version a year after that. And now you’re behind the times and wondering if you should upgrade. But what if you could have that new-tech feeling every day, so you felt that extra appreciation above the baseline, and it never went back down again? That’s similar to how my relationship with Rachelle feels each day.

Almost 11 years ago, a significant increase in appreciation, gratitude, and enjoyment came into my life, and it never went back down again. Those aspects of my life have remained elevated this whole time.

But what I find most interesting is that I never developed a tolerance for it. It’s like having coffee where every cup is as stimulating as the first one, and your body never adapts to higher caffeine levels and brings you back down again. So the same dosage remains very stimulating, and you don’t need to keep increasing the dosage to get the same effect.

Each day with Rachelle feels like it exists above my baseline. But somehow my old baseline hasn’t raised itself up to match my current day-to-day experiences. That seems very odd to me. Why hasn’t the baseline come up? Why doesn’t each day with her just feel okay and normal now? Why do I still experience delight and appreciation with her after all this time together? Why does she still seem like a gift?

I don’t know, but I do like it.

Before I experienced this relationship, I didn’t think it was possible for a real human relationship to have the spiritual purpose of being co-gifts, co-rewards, and co-playmates for each other. That seems too easy and too good to be true. I wondered if we must be in some realm of co-denial about all the real spiritual work and tough love we must surely engage in sooner or later. It took a while to get aligned with the co-reward idea.

Why share this? One reason is to let you know that a healthy and happy relationship doesn’t have to involve working on your partner or on the relationship to improve it. For some that may sound like heresy. While people can enter a relationship to directly help each other grow and improve, that doesn’t have to be the case. You could also be in a relationship with someone whose beingness you enjoy and appreciate.

I think the more challenging aspect is when you flip this around and ask: For which person could I be a gift that they’ll appreciate and enjoy each day, just by being myself as I am right now?

That’s another special aspect of my relationship with Rachelle that I don’t notice as often, but it is nice to acknowledge when I see it. I like looking at her and thinking, “I’m good for her. She’s lucky to have me in her life.” I can understand why she appreciates and enjoys me. I can see the value I add to her life. And this feeling is very much mutual. She can readily see how good she is for me too and how much value she adds to my life. It’s nice that neither of us have to wonder about that or question it. It’s plain as day to us both that we’re good for each other and that we enhance each other’s lives by being together.

You can attract a relationship that’s a lot of work, but you have other options too. What do you feel ready to experience spiritually at this time in your life? Do you want a co-working type of relationship? Do you want fun and adventure? Do you want grace, ease, and lightness? Do you want lust and passion?

If you’re in a current relationship now, is it still aligned with a spiritual purpose that feels aligned with who you are today? Is it what you want to experience at this stage of your life? Or do you feel called to explore and experience a new relationship with a different spiritual purpose?

Pay attention to that purpose alignment. If your relationship has lost its connection to such a purpose, consider that it’s also your purpose to fulfill a meaningful role for someone else – to be their teacher, their reward, and so on.

Is Manifesting a Physical Skill, a Mental Skill, or a Spiritual Skill?

Posted on 06/12/2020 by Boris Clair

People often frame their manifesting skills as something spiritual, mental, or a combination of the two. Manifesting is often treated as something akin to prayer. Ask the universe for what you desire, and hopefully you’ll receive it.

But what if manifesting is actually a physical skill in disguise?

Other mental skills, including reading, writing, speaking, and solving math problems, are actually physical skills too. Your physical brain implements these skills on your neural hardware. If your brain is damaged in certain ways, you could lose some of your mental skills.

We often overlook the connection between the mental and the physical except when it becomes really obvious, like after consuming alcohol or when feeling sleep deprived. But the connection is strong and clear. The mental and the physical are inseparably linked.

What about so-called spiritual skills, however, such as manifesting or prayer? If you focus on your desires to manifest what you want, clearly that’s a mental activity too. You have to think about it to do it. You’re engaging your mind in a mental activity, which means you’re also engaging your brain in a physical activity.

Are you following this so far? The mental and physical conneciton seems pretty straightforward up to this point, right? Now here’s where it gets a bit weird.

If manifesting is a spiritual skill and a mental skill, then it’s also a physical skill. This suggests that the health of your brain could affect the results of your manifesting experiments, just as the health of your brain can affect your other skills and the results you can generate with them.

Any mental skills you have can be degraded with drug and alcohol abuse, right? And any mental skills can be upgraded with better health habits, right?

Have you considered that this isn’t just true for skills like writing, solving business problems, and computer coding? Have you considered that it’s also true for any and all spiritual skills, including prayer and manifesting?

Yes, I’m actually suggesting that the health of your brain is inextricably linked to the results you’re able to achieve with any of your so-called spiritual skills. Sure you can still use your skills under suboptimal conditions, just as a drunken writer can still write well sometimes. But in general, a cleaner brain will yield better and more consistent results.

How can you tell? One way is to do health experiments that will significantly affect your brain health. When your brain gets physically healthier, do you notice a difference in your manifesting skills?

I absolutely do notice this when I do certain health experiments, as long as I’m making big enough changes. The improvement in “spiritual” results is very pronounced. Whenever I eat 100% raw for a while, my manifesting skills undergo a major upgrade. Positive synchronicities amp up tremendously, and my desires flow into my life with much less effort. It’s almost a magical experience. Every time I change my diet this way, I’m blown away by this change. I expect to experience physical and mental improvements, but it’s weird when spiritual improvements occur as well.

I also experience a huge increase in intuition. This part makes sense to me because I can say that intuition is a mental skill, so when my physical brain runs cleaner, of course my intuitive insights may improve as well. I can explain this by saying that intuition is a function of the subconscious mind, so when the underlying hardware runs better, the software runs better too, and this leads to more accurate neural computations.

But it’s harder to explain why manifesting skills are so much better when eating raw. Sure I can say that my mind works better because my brain works better. And I can see the surge in results that stays high as long as I keep eating raw. I can notice that those results decline again when I return to eating cooked food. But what’s the connection between my brain and the universe? Why does having a cleaner brain make a difference in reality’s responses to my intentions and desires?

That aspect does puzzle me. I don’t doubt that there’s a connection though because it’s so pronounced. To doubt it would be like having six shots of alcohol in a row and pretending that there’s no effect. You’ll notice the difference plain as day, especially when the shift happens so rapidly.

I’m not the only one who’s noticed similar effects. Other raw foodists have written about this too. It’s a common subject of conversation in person. Many explain it differently though – as something spiritual or soulful.

I find the spiritual explanation unsatisfying. I think there really is a link that runs through the physical. I think it’s probably similar to the application of communication skills.

For instance, if you eat a super clean raw vegan diet, your social life will change. People who’ve never eaten raw may assume one’s social life would get worse, but it actually gets better – usually a lot better. This could be explained by a physical chain of events. You’ll soon look healthier, and people will start to notice. People will find you more attractive. Your thinking will become clearer, calmer, and more focused, so you’ll communicate differently in your writing and speaking, and people may pick up on those differences too. Hence it makes sense that changes in your brain functioning will change what you’re communicating, and this will change the social response that you receive.

My experience is that when I eat raw, people are friendlier and more social around me. Interestingly this effect happens not just in person but also online. I wouldn’t have understood this effect if I hadn’t tested this lifestyle enough times, but it’s pretty pronounced and hard to overlook. I don’t have to try to be more social. It just happens.

I suspect that there’s a similar pathway for communicating with reality itself. Or maybe it’s a pathway of communicating with life, like a form of telepathic signals that we collectively broadcast and receive. Perhaps when we eat cleaner, our internal hardware and software for broadcasting and receiving these signals works better than before. And perhaps there’s an aspect of manifesting that uses these communication channels, and this in turn affects our manifesting results.

When I eat raw, I feel like reality is better at reading my mind. Instead of feeling like I’m pushing intentions out into the universe and hoping for some positive echos, it feels like reality reaches into my mind, pulls out my desires, smiles, and gives me a receipt. Then it brings me what I want rather quickly. I don’t really need to ask. It’s like I’m always automatically broadcasting what I want, and reality is hearing me loud and clear.

Opportunities and invitations flow into my life so synchronistically. My thinking and reality’s responses achieve a level of synchronization that I don’t experience when eating cooked food. I can still achieve an okay level of alignment on a cooked vegan diet, but it’s way, way better on 100% raw foods.

Have you ever considered the link between your manifesting skills and your diet? Have you considered that manifesting is a physical skill too, not just a mental and spiritual skill? Do you realize that your spiritual skills are still running on physical hardware? Have you wondered if cleaning up your diet could yield a significant increase in your ability to manifest your desires?

Have you also pondered that eating cooked food could be negatively affecting your communication pathways with reality? Is it possible that your mental transmissions are getting garbled and that reality isn’t actually receiving your intentions accurately and powerfully? Is it possible that most of the time, reality dismisses your requests as the misaligned ravings of some drunken human who eats a very strange and unnatural diet?

Cooked food affects the body and brain very differently than raw food. For instance, when you eat cooked food, your body generates an immune response with a surge in white blood cells. The body doesn’t response this way when you eat raw foods. If your body must expend extra energy on digestion and waste cleanup, maybe it won’t devote as much energy to transmitting your desires.

What if your life is much harder than it needs to be? What if your eating habits are preventing you from experiencing a level of flow that would make abundance easy and natural?

Are you trying to manifest abundance? What if this could be automatic, just by eating a cleaner diet? What if your natural state of being is to be outstanding at manifesting your desires, and you’ve degraded this flow at the physical level?

And what if your mental and spiritual framing of this skill set has been keeping you stuck? What if manifesting was mostly a natural physical ability all along, and you just had to let it out of its cage, so it could run at full speed?

All of this can be personally tested.

This is one of many factors that’s motivating me to test eating raw for all of 2021. This month I’m reloading those skills, practicing making different raw meals to get back into the flow of eating raw while still permitting cooked food when desired for the next few weeks. I want to do a deeper dive into this aspect of life, especially with respect to what I can glean about reality’s responses. I recently reviewed some of my old blog posts that I wrote during the time when I was eating fully or mostly raw (about 11-12 years ago), and I was struck by how easily I manifested various desires back then.

I think 2021 is going to be a very fun, flowing, and social year.

WellnessMaster

Get The Latest News on Holistic Wellness

Tag Archives: Abundance