Tag Archives: Creating Reality

Prepping for NaNoWriMo

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I spent some time today learning more about NaNoWriMo, including sifting through their member forums looking for beginner tips and suggestions. Fortunately there’s a ton of advice from other writers who’ve done NaNoWriMo many times before.

I was curious how many people who sign up for NanoWriMo each year actually succeed at writing at least 50,000 words during the month of November. The completion percentage is different each year, but it seems to average around 15%. That lands within my expectations.

When it comes to 30-day challenges, I find that the early game is key. I usually win or lose the challenge before I even begin Day 1. How I frame the commitment matters. I have to get my mind right before I start, so I’m investing in that now for NaNoWriMo.

Here are some useful frames that have served me well over the years, which I’m also adapting to gear up for NaNoWriMo, which starts in less than two weeks.

  • Once I commit to the challenge, it’s a done deal that I’ll do all 30 days. There is no quitting except for some kind of critical emergency like a health crisis.
  • If 15% of people typically finish NaNoWriMo successfully, I see myself as a member of that 15% before we even begin. Even though this is my first NaNoWriMo and my first novel, I can mentally put myself in that top 15% now. That’s a decision, not a prediction.
  • Most 30-day challenges get difficult at some point, usually between days 6 and 15. The initial motivation will die off, and the finish line will still seem far away. It’s wise to expect this to happen and to pre-commit to enduring through that tough period.
  • It’s one day at a time. Do the daily actions, and the 30-day result will be achieved. In this case the daily commitment is to write at least 1667 words per day for 30 days. A daily commitment is easier to follow than a monthly one that allows wiggle room day by day. So I’m not looking at having 500-word days and making up for them with 3000-word days. I think the daily framing is easier. Then I can’t fall behind. A lot of people failed NaNoWriMo by using the framing that it was okay to fall behind and do extra writing to make up for it later in the month. So my framing is that falling behind on even one day’s quota is not an option, but exceeding it is okay. And exceeding the daily average doesn’t reduce the daily average for the upcoming days.
  • It’s best to focus on the core challenge, which is to write. The challenge isn’t to re-read, to edit, to research, or to plan – just to write. Many NaNoWriMo participants noted that it’s best to edit later and just get the first draft written, even if it’s ugly. Many also noted the trap of getting stuck in unnecessary research that killed their word count.
  • I’ll gain a lifetime memory from my first NaNoWriMo. That memory will be mine for decades. It’s clear that I want to look back on my first NaNoWriMo and remember that I made it to 50K words and succeeded. I don’t want the lifetime memory of failing or quitting.

Regarding that last point, I saw lots of references regarding how real these memories are for previous NaNoWriMo participants. They remember their past events, noting which ones were successes and which were failures. They remember why they failed and what derailed them.

Sometimes my best source of motivation comes from reminding myself that I’m creating a lifetime memory no matter what. Whatever happens in November, it’s either a gift or curse for my future self – for the rest of his life. When it’s only day 10 and motivation is low, it can be empowering to remind myself that I have a choice: I can give my future self the memory of pushing through to success, or I can curse him with the memory of quitting and making excuses. I can give him the memory of being in the 15% or the 85%, and that’s going to affect him indefinitely.

Writing 50K words in November is a done deal. No other framing makes sense. I will not curse my future self with the lifetime memory of failing my first NaNoWriMo. I’m going to gift him with the memory of an experience he will cherish for decades.

Do whatever it takes to give your future self some extra smiles. Soon enough those smiles will be yours.

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NaNoWriMo 2020

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As I’ve shared previously, one of my goals for this year is to write a novel. I’ve never done that before. It’s been a stretch goal of mine for a long time, and I’ve decided the time has come to finally do it.

To move this goal forward in a more concrete way, I signed up for NaNoWriMo on Friday. NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month, and it happens every year in the month of November. I’ve been aware of it for years, but this is the first time I’ve ever signed up for it.

If you have a NaNoWriMo account, feel free to add me to your buddy list. Here’s my NaNoWriMo profile, but I think you’ll need to be logged in there to see it. My account is Steve Pavlina, so it should be easy to find me there.

NaNoWriMo is both an annual online event and a non-profit organization. It started in 1999 with 21 people, and now hundreds of thousands of people participate each year. It’s entirely Internet-based, so you can participate from home. It’s also free if you want it to be, although they encourage donations. If you made a donation, they add a halo to your profile pic – cute!

The purpose of NaNoWriMo is to help you write the first draft of a novel. The stated goal is to write at least 50,000 words of a novel during the month of November. That can be an ugly first draft, and you don’t even have to finish the whole book.

There’s a lot of social support in NaNoWriMo as well. This includes an active community forum, recorded pep talks, and lots more. In fact, right after I post this, I’m going to hop on a two-hour call from my local NaNoWriMo chapter, which is hosting an online event to help members get started.

Why Write a Novel?

I’m already a published author, so that part won’t be new to me. My book Personal Development for Smart People was published by Hay House in 2008. Since I uncopyrighted my blog posts in 2010 as well, many more books have been published under my name – at least 150 of them last time I counted.

I can say that it was special experience to walk into a bookstore and see my book on the shelf many years ago. That does feel awesome. But since I’ve already had that experience, this isn’t a significant part of my motivation for writing fiction.

My motivation for writing a novel isn’t about the book aspect but rather the fiction aspect. I’m really curious about what it will be like to create a work of fiction.

I’m especially motivated by exploration and growth, and I love a good challenge. It seems like this would be a wonderful way to explore writing from a fresh perspective.

I don’t already have a story in mind. I don’t even know what genre I’d pick yet. Rachelle says I should write a sci-fi book, and that does have some appeal, but right now I still feel very open to the possibility space. I feel more interested in co-creating a novel with reality, much like the attitude I use with blogging.

I’m used to writing from inspiration, and I know how to do that whenever I want. This works for shorter pieces like blog posts and videos, and it also works for creating extensive courses. Reality always has my back when it comes to opening the floodgates of inspired ideas to share.

Since I already have a wonderful creative relationship with reality on the nonfiction side, I want to see if I can stretch this relationship to include fiction as well. Will it be radically different if I have to think about characters and settings and plot?

I do feel confident that I could write the first draft of a novel with a pantser approach – just write from start to finish without pre-planning – but it might be pretty bad. Then again, maybe this approach is good enough for a first draft.

Writing 50K words in a month doesn’t seem daunting to me. It actually sounds like fun. If I squeeze myself to write a novel in a month, what will come out? I don’t know.

Will it be something cerebral? Personally meaningful? Humorous? Slutty? All of those? I can’t say. Nothing has been decided yet.

Since I’ve never written a novel before, the pantser approach does appeal to me, at least for the first time, if only because I haven’t learned a more structured approach yet. It might be nice just to see what comes out of me by writing from inspiration. Maybe that adds up to a sucky story that’s painful to read, but maybe it generates enough good ideas that I could edit it into something semi-decent.

Any interest in joining me? About six weeks from today, you and I could both have the first draft of a novel done. Wouldn’t that be nice?

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Resolving the Unresolved

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Sometimes people don’t look at certain dark corners of their lives because they either want to keep their options open or they don’t want to “collapse the wave function” to a negative outcome.

For instance, suppose you’re in a relationship and you suspect that your partner is secretly cheating on you. Or suppose you have a job and want a promotion, and you’re worried that your boss has already excluded you from consideration. Maybe you figure that looking for the truth is worse than not knowing.

Knowing is generally better though. If you avoid collapsing the wave function to resolve reality, you may feel that you’re keeping the possibility space open, so a good outcome remains possible. This approach only works well if you’re genuinely happy and excited about having an open field of possibilities, like having a pile of gifts in front of you and enjoying the anticipation of not knowing what’s in them yet.

If you’re looking at a field of possibilities where some outcomes seem good, some bad, some neutral, some amazing, and some dreadful, then you’re already reacting emotionally to possible outcomes. You’re flowing energy towards those open possibilities instead of letting your energy flow into just one – the resolved one based on collapsing the space into events. This prevents your story from progressing and keeps you stuck on pause.

Sooner or later, you’ll realize it’s better to know the truth, so you can move on from this point of stuckness, even if the initial outcome doesn’t seem good for you. People typically feel relieved – an increase in energy flow – shortly after they discover the truth, even if it’s not the outcome they wanted.

Maybe you find out that your partner really is cheating. Maybe you learn that your boss isn’t seriously considering promoting you. Maybe you look for the truth and dislike it very much. But once you see the truth in whatever way it resolves, you can now fully process your feelings about it, accept it, move through it, and grow beyond it. You don’t have to keep flowing energy into the entire field of possibilities, always wondering, hoping, fearing, intending, wishing, etc.

Maybe the real truth isn’t decided till you look, especially if reality is a simulation. You may as well look though. Advance the story. Advance your character. Free up that stuck energy, so you can use it to good effect.

Being stuck in limbo because you haven’t resolved the truth is a waste of energy, but you can leave reality unresolved when you want an intentional pause. If you’ve been leaving a possibility space open for a while, consider whether you may be doing that purposefully, in service of a hidden goal. Then consider that your goal may be better served by resolving the truth and responding to it appropriately. Even if the immediate outcome is a setback, it’s better to deal with the setback and move past it. Staying in limbo doesn’t actually move your goal forward.

You can collapse the possibility space by looking into the facts and details and getting more information. You can also collapse it by making new decisions for yourself or raising your standards. You could declare that feeling ambivalent about a relationship or a job – and always wondering where you really stand with your partner or boss – isn’t good enough. And you could decide to leave on that basis alone. Perhaps you’d rather invest in people who are more direct, open, and honest, so you don’t have to remain stuck in relationship or career ambivalence. You could resolve to trust your intuitive feelings.

You don’t have to remain in the unresolved space except by choice. Even if can’t get the exact information you want, you can still decide to resolve such situations by exercising your power of decision.

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Redefining Your Problems

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By looking at a problem from multiple angles, you may spot a creative solution you hadn’t considered before. But another approach is to reframe the way you define the problem to begin with.

For example, suppose you define your problem as how to get a new job during COVID times. Within that problem definition, you can consider many ways to solve the problem. You could work on your resume, look through job postings, fill out applications, ask around to discover unadvertised jobs, and take plenty of other actions. But all the while you’re sticking with the original problem definition that you need to get a job. The issue with that framing is that you don’t actually need a job.

Here are some other ways to redefine the problem instead of needing a job:

  • You need a benefactor.
  • You need a grant.
  • You need to start a business.
  • You need to learn better marketing skills.
  • You need a new degree.
  • You need to reduce expenses.
  • You need to declare bankruptcy.
  • You need to start earning royalties.
  • You need more confidence.
  • You need $10 million.
  • You need to become a monk.
  • You need a better relationship partner.
  • You need a mastermind group.
  • You need a better wand.
  • You need to learn how to survive and thrive permanently without a job.
  • You need a more effective spiritual framework.
  • You need to win the lottery.
  • You need a mentor.
  • You need a better relationship with reality.
  • You need a more creative and disciplined character.
  • You need to become a minimalist.
  • You need to switch countries.
  • You need to master your emotions.
  • You need a Master.

What is the actual problem? You get to decide.

To label anything a problem, you must assign meaning to a situation. The meaning you assign frames the problem and defines its scope. But you could also assign no meaning at all and determine that there is no problem to be solved.

So also consider that when you define a problem, you’re declaring that you want to solve that particular problem with that particular frame. If you don’t want to solve that problem though, you could define the situation very differently and solve a completely different problem instead.

Some people find the “get a job” problem to be a really boring one to solve, especially if you have to do it repeatedly. So they don’t bother to solve that problem because they don’t define it as their problem to begin with. Not having a job isn’t actually a problem unless you define it as such.

I haven’t had a job in nearly three decades, and it’s not a problem. Being jobless is actually very nice. There is nothing problematic about being jobless. It’s an imaginary problem that never actually needs to be solved. And because it’s not actually a problem, I don’t need to invest any energy in solving it. What makes it not a problem? Never defining it as such.

Maybe you define your main problem as needing money. Fine, you can solve that. But do you actually need money? Is that a real problem? No, that’s also just another optional choice of framing. You could get by without money. Some people have no money and live interesting and meaningful lives. Someone else could earn money and pay for everything you want – you don’t need a boss or company to pay your expenses.

Not all problem definitions are equally interesting or motivating to solve. If you find a problem definition dreadfully demotivating, don’t beat yourself up for not being motivated or for procrastinating too much. Question how you’re defining the problem to begin with. You’re probably using a definition you’ve inherited from someone else. Be flexible enough to rewrite the problem – many different ways.

Consider a problem where you’ve been stuck for a while. Brainstorm at least a few dozen ways to redefine the problem definition. Then consider which of those other problems interests you more than your original definition. Don’t be a dunce afterwards by going back to your original frame, as if you’re permanently caged there. Actually switch frames and genuinely invest in solving one of those other problems.

One thing you’ll discover if you practice this enough is that other people will teach you a lot of piss-poor ways of looking at problems that don’t work well for you at all. Stop buying into their frames. Dump their frames and use different ones.

If you’ve felt stuck trying to get better at dating, for instance, dump that way of looking at the problem. You don’t need to get better at dating skills – is that even a real thing anyway? Why not solve a more interesting problem, like finding a co-explorer for your desired lifestyle adventures. Skip the dating frame, and go straight to the fun and adventurous part. Invest in dating if you like dating – just note that it’s optional. Many people find relationships, partners, and co-adventurers without dating anyone.

People get so stuck clinging to one way of looking at a problem that has never worked very well for them. They dread having to deal with the problem each time it comes up. If that’s you then dump the problem definition you’ve been clinging to. You don’t have to see that issue as a problem ever again. It doesn’t actually need a solution. You can choose a completely different kind of problem to solve instead.

Work on the problems that fascinate you. Work on the problems that you enjoy solving. Work on problems because you love the character-building effects. Don’t deal in problems that you dislike or dread – that’s just lame. You’re smarter and more creative than that.

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Defining Your Own Spiritual Path

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Have you ever connected with someone who had strong preconceived notions about what your spiritual path should look like?

Apparently there’s a rulebook for being spiritual, and you have to satisfy certain criteria for how you’re supposed to think, feel, and behave in order to consider yourself a spiritual person. You got the memo summarizing those rules, right?

Being spiritual is a label and lens. But it’s not the same lens for everyone. We all assign different meanings to what it means to be spiritual or to walk a spiritual path. My meaning is undoubtedly different from yours.

These days I’m not a huge fan of the spiritual label / lens. I found it interesting in my 20s and 30s, partly as a reactionary alternative to being religious. Back then being spiritual meant being independent and also spending time exploring the nonphysical aspects of life. I could label meditation, reading eye-opening books, listening to speeches from dudes who don’t wear pants, and lucid dreaming as spiritual practices.

Today if I think about spirituality, I’d frame it as exploring my relationship with reality and with my character. It’s not something I can compartmentalize into a short list of practices. I regard what I do all day, every day, as part of my spiritual practice, including writing this blog post, especially when I’m making carefully considered choices about what to do.

My spiritual path is mine to determine, and there is no rulebook that I must follow. I’m not beholden to anyone’s expectations. I’m walking my own spiritual path, which isn’t for anyone else to walk or even to understand.

When people purport to tell me what it means to be spiritual and how my thoughts, feelings, or behaviors aren’t spiritual enough, I see that as immensely presumptuous. It’s an emotionally manipulative pattern, similar to the patterns I shared in the article on emotional consent last month.

While some who consider themselves spiritual may regard this year as being about lessons of tolerance and acceptance – and good for them if that’s what they’re exploring – my lessons for this year feel very different but no less spiritual.

I see this year as having more to do with boundaries, firmness, and calling out stupidity when it’s plain as day.

I see this year as posing some interesting alignment questions, especially with respect to truth alignment, social connections, and assignment of meaning.

I’ve also been thinking about why so many people are so ridiculously loyal and obedient. This makes me want to understand obedience better – more than just thinking about it from a D/s play angle. I see it as a puzzle that I don’t really understand. Why does it seem like so many humans are behaving like insects in an insect colony?

This year also points me in the direction of deeper character sculpting, which could be because developing the Stature course earlier in the year helped me get into this framing. I see some really lame character behavior in the world, and my reaction to that makes me think more consciously about how I’d like my own character to continue developing.

While many people seem to dislike this year, I personally find it fascinating. It’s been one of the best years of my life, despite not getting to travel as much and having fewer in-person social connections.

I see the events happening in the world as invitations. Reality invites me to choose my framing and my response. How will I interpret these events? What meaning will I assign to them? How will I evolve my character to adapt to changing circumstances? To me these are fascinating and worthy challenges. I could label them spiritual too.

I like what this year is doing to me. I feel confident, optimistic, and motivated. I have a lot of passionate energy flowing through me. I have an endless stream of inspired ideas. Even as it seems like we’ve entered the bizarro universe, my personal world has experienced some nice improvements.

I also feel more fighty in a way. I don’t feel that my spiritual path is to be all “let’s pray together and intend harmony” this year. I see how being too passive perpetuates more ridiculous behavior like racism. I do think there’s a place for that passively accepting kind of vibe, but I’ve explored that one a lot already, and now I feel called to explore in other directions. I also don’t see a conflict between accepting reality as it is and also investing in changing its course.

I don’t mind spending some time in the bizarro universe because the sheer lunacy of it makes me ponder: Who do I want to be in the bizarro universe? How shall I frame this experience? What kind of character sculpting can occur under these conditions? How is this a healthy and positive invitation for my good and the highest good of all?

It’s like if you’re Yossarian or one of his friends living through the reality of Catch 22. Do you let that crazy world with its crazy rules and crazy characters drive you crazy too? Or do you see the craziness as an empowering invitation to see what you’re made of?

From another perspective I’ve already been living in the bizarro universe for a long time – that’s often what it feels like to be vegan in a non-vegan world. How did I end up in the dimension where humans think it’s normal to drink milk from raped cows? Then they skin the cows and put the skin on their feet and waists like trophies.

Look at me! I’m wearing a raped cow! And I drink its milk, so its baby gets none! Maybe I eat its baby too! Me strong! Rawr!

Sometimes y’all adopt some truly nutter practices in this dimension.

What kind of personal development framing or investment makes this year a win for you? You could see it as your spiritual path to figure that out.

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The Relationship Frame

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One interesting frame shared in the book The Courage to Be Disliked is: All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.

That isn’t necessarily a true statement, but you can think of it as a lens for viewing problems. Personally I think it’s a bit exaggerated as far as lenses go. I prefer a similar but more flexible one: All problems, challenges, and situations can be framed as relationships.

Not everything translates well to an interpersonal relationship, but you can translate any situation to some type of relationship. This can include your relationships with:

  • yourself
  • other people
  • reality
  • life
  • your work
  • money
  • skills
  • your body
  • and more

Moreover, when working on your goals and habits, it’s helpful to translate your goals and habits into growth experiences for one or more of your relationships with different parts of life. This helps goals feel more personal and meaningful, so they aren’t just the mental “stuck in your head” types of goals that don’t really get accomplished.

For example, I could frame my daily exercise as a discipline-based habit that I have to push myself to do each day, but that’s a lame approach that isn’t very sustainable. That mindset looks especially weak when viewed through the relationship lens. Who wants to maintain a habit if the relationship is based on force and struggle against some kind of resistance? That kind of relationship is headed for a breakup sooner or later.

Instead of pushing myself to exercise more or exercise harder, I focused on improving my relationship with exercise. I asked questions like these:

  • What would make this relationship better?
  • What could I do to increase the enjoyment of exercise, so I naturally want to do it without having to force myself?
  • Where is there friction in the relationship, and how can I reduce or eliminate that resistance?
  • How could I keep improving this relationship over time, so it keeps getting better year after year?

This approach worked nicely. I have a very positive relationship with exercise, and it’s improved even more this year. Here are some aspects of the relationship that I focused on improving:

  • Running different routes for variety and different levels of challenge, so it doesn’t feel too routine or stale
  • Continuing to develop new routes that I’ve never run before, so I feel a sense of abundance in having different routes to pick from
  • Tuning into my body and mind to decide which route to run based on what kind of experience I want (a run with more people, a more solitary run, a run where I’ll see the sunrise, a run where I can expect to see plenty of rabbits, a run with more parks, running near the baseball stadium, running along the western edge of the city, etc)
  • Listening to really good audiobooks while I run, on topics that appeal to me, including sometimes listening to audiobooks about running from runners who love to run
  • Enjoying the views while running through the hills that overlook the whole Vegas Valley
  • Investing in quality running shoes and testing different kinds of shoes to discover my personal favorites
  • Heading out before dawn and being greeted by the rising sun
  • Sometimes picking out planets like Venus or Jupiter when I look up at the dark sky while first starting out
  • Using an Apple Watch to track my progress as I go (time, distance, pacing, heart rate, etc) – and getting a new one each year, so I always have the latest version
  • Mostly running for the enjoyment of it but occasionally setting interesting goals for distance or speed
  • Feeling a sense of accomplishment for sometimes running to spots farther out than I’ve run to before
  • Waving or nodding to other runners and cyclists I pass along the way, which gives a little feeling of social connection with the people in the neighborhood (it’s encouraging to see people exercising)
  • Feeling good when I finish running and switch to a cool down walking pace
  • Enjoying the alone time, which feels more like being than doing
  • Reminding myself to feel grateful that my body can do this (seeing it as a beautiful gift, not to be taken for granted)

Lately I’ve been running 60-70 minutes most mornings. Interestingly it feels more motivating to run for an hour or more than it used to feel to run for 30-45 minutes. One reason is that as I increased the duration, I focused more on the relationship with running rather than the discipline or habit of running. Another reason could be that these longer runs do an even better job of rebalancing hormones and neurotransmitters, so I feel even happier.

Instead of pushing myself to run farther, which I’ve done many times before but which didn’t lead to sustainably longer runs, I sought to connect more deeply with the love and beauty of running. I focused on improving my relationship with running. I leaned towards the principle of love more than the principle of power here. This worked very nicely.

There are so many other ways to apply the relationship frame to create and maintain improvements in different areas of your life. Instead of pushing yourself to work harder or with more discipline, you can focus instead on improving your relationship with your work. Same goes for your relationships with any other kinds of tasks.

More than two decades ago, this type of framing helped me a lot with improving the flow of money through my life. Instead of trying to make more money in ways that were only semi-aligned, I worked on fixing my alignment problems with money. I invested in improving my personal relationship with money. That relationship was weak – I saw money as something annoying that I shouldn’t have to deal with. But I learned to appreciate its role in life and to enjoy earning and spending it. These days I think of money as fun and playful – it feels lighter and less stressful than it used to. Having a better relationship with money makes it easier to earn it, and it’s more fun to spend it as well.

Look at an area where you tend to struggle or have a hard time accomplishing your goals. What do you see when you use the relationship frame on that area? Is your relationship based on trying to force yourself to push through resistance? If so, how could you improve the relationship over time, so you naturally enjoy engaging with this area of life? This simple reframe can generate powerful insights that can radically transform your results.

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The Alien Mindset of a Fixed Income

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One really weird mindset I notice among certain readers looks something like this:

My wife and I are both teachers. Our combined salary is $___. And in about five years, we’ll be earning $___. So based on this, we’re able to afford ___, but we won’t be able to afford ___.

So the basic idea is that the couple’s income is fixed and predictable. It’s not really up to them. Their family income is largely determined by the system that they’re in.

Okay, this is an alien mindset for me. I’m impressed that people can hold this mindset and not have it fall apart on them.

Here’s what I actually hear within the statements above:

My wife and I choose to get jobs working within a system where we get paid fixed salaries with modest but predictable increases over time. We’re pretending that we don’t have other options for earning more income, so we can have the experience of a fixed income for a while to see what that’s like. And we’re also pretending that we can’t afford anything these two streams don’t directly cover, so we can see what it’s like to experience that form of scarcity as well.

Remember that this couple choose to engage with this system. Even while they’re engaging with it, they still have an enormous range of options available to them. Their income isn’t really fixed – they’ve simply chosen to have the experience of earning a fixed income. To maintain that situation, they have to deliberately ignore or dismiss other opportunities for income generation, which are everywhere.

How do they tune out all those other opportunities? How do they avoid the temptation to create other income streams on the side? That’s hard!

It must take a tremendous amount of discipline to hold themselves back and keep their income from going up. I mean… how do they avoid accidentally making money some other way?

What if one of them gets inspired by an income-generating idea, and they’re tempted to take action on it? How do they stop themselves?

What if they get seduced by some new item they want to buy, but it’s not in their budget? How do they avoid earning more money to cover the expense? How do they get themselves to pretend not to want it or to settle for less than what they want?

I’m really impressed with people who can deliberately cap their income, especially if they can keep this up for years. Most of the people I hang out with regularly are really bad at this. They’re always succumbing to the temptation to make extra money. If they tried to limit themselves to earning a teacher’s salary, I don’t think they could do it. They just don’t have the discipline or the resolve.

I tried having a job with a fixed salary myself, back when I was 21 years old. I didn’t even last a year… couldn’t do it! I have no idea how some people can manage to do this year after year – and make it look easy. Their discipline must be through the roof!

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Do Nice Zombies Make Worthwhile Friends?

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Some people have asked me why I don’t engage with Trump supporters, try to understand them better, invite deep conversations with them, or something along those lines. I think it’s a valid question, and the answer is simple: I don’t see any real potential in such relationships. For me they all land somewhere on a scale that spans from dumb to dumber to dumbest.

It’s not the people that are the issue per se, but the behavior pattern of supporting Trump during this time is so rotten to the core that I don’t see anything redeeming there. There’s no hint of depth, value, or worthwhile discovery. To the extent that I’ve engaged with such people over the past few years, the result has been various degrees of being creeped out.

Some people have said, “But some of them are nice people.” I disagree. In order to frame such people as nice, I have to stretch the definition of nice way too far for it to work. At best I’ll end up with some version of “nice and dumb” or “a nice moron” or “a really nice pile of crap.” I can’t really think of anyone as nice once they’ve been Trumpified. The Trumpification of anyone trumps any niceness, rendering it far removed from anything nice.

Imagine the nicest person you know being bitten by a zombie and turned. Will you still regard them as nice while they try to eat your brain? Does the nice zombie label really work? No, all zombies are zombies. The closest they get to nice is when they’ve been rendered mostly harmless, such as by having their lower jaws removed, so they can’t bite you. It never really makes sense to see them as nice.

Really the closest I can get to labeling such people as nice is to go with mostly harmless, which does indeed apply pretty well to some. But that’s still a pretty crappy connection offer.

When an offer is so horrendously bad, I find it best to say a blanket no to it. Toss those cards in the muck, and let’s see the next hand.

Does this mean if I went earnestly digging for nuggets of goodness among Trump supporters that I wouldn’t find anything worthwhile at all? No, I’m not saying that. Maybe there is something decent in there, but there’s just such a huge mountain of excrement, falsehoods, and ignorance to dig through that a few diamond shards aren’t gonna cut it. The stench is too repulsive to engage with.

One reason I’ve leaned in this direction is that I explored other possibilities first, and nothing quite felt aligned till I thought, Hmmm… what would happen if I took the evil exit here and just declared the whole lot of them to be a stinky pile of excrement?

At heart I’m an explorer, and I’m willing to keep trying different approaches to life to see what works best for me.

Am I saying that you have to use my approach too? Not at all. I think you should find your own path here, and if your approach is different from mine, I celebrate that difference. Don’t clone my approach. Find your own path to alignment through this. But do keep asking if what you’re doing is working well for you, and if not, be willing to change your approach repeatedly till reality seems to affirm your choice.

I noticed that when I was more tolerant of Trump supporters, their presence in this reality kept bugging me. I kept thinking, Are millions of people really this dumb? Seriously, WTF…

And 30,000+ lies later, that attitude starts wearing thin.

It’s easier to deal with a pile of shit when you see it as just a pile of shit and not as a pile of shit that might have some gold or diamonds in it. It’s the feeling that maybe it’s worth digging through that stench that causes problems. Interestingly, this stems from a scarcity mentality, right?

Do you see that? Why deal with Trump supporters socially at all, even if you think they may have some redeeming qualities? Why deal with the smell? What you’re missing is that in a different social direction, there are way more gold and diamonds that aren’t covered in shit. You just need an abundance mindset to see them.

A Trump supporter isn’t going to be a good social match for me by any stretch of the imagination. The smell is always going to be an issue, and the gold and diamonds they may offer socially will never compensate for the smell. So as I see it, it’s a sensible response to just call this a “hell no!” all around.

Once I realized that engaging with Trump supporters had to be a hell no for me, it did feel a bit extreme at first, but I’ve since gotten used to it. And the more I’ve gotten used to it, the more a different direction of social abundance started opening up to me.

I’ve been seeing a gradual increase in positive results from this mindset, which is why I continue to double-down on it. By saying no to the stenchiest stench of the social realm, reality no longer has to simulate this kind of nonsense in my close-up presence, so it can devote more resources to expanding the aspects of life that resonate with me. Consequently, I’ve seen more opening and expansion in directions that feel aligned and intelligent.

It was like I said to reality: Stop wasting resources simulating the dreadfully dumb and stinky. Reassign those resources to more aligned connections, opportunities, and invitations – anything that smells good.

And that’s been working well indeed.

As a simple recent example, yesterday I just loved the livestreamed script reading of The Princess Bride, which was also a fundraiser for the Wisconsin Democratic Party (as I mentioned in yesterday’s post). That was a superb treat! There were more than 100,000 people on the call.

I think that’s the first time in my life I’ve made a political contribution, and I was happy to finally lose my political donation virginity. I love how this invite showed up in the form it did – a chance to engage in a fun way with my all-time favorite movie and many of its cast members. That was an easy yes.

It was great to see actors standing tall against the current Trumpian nonsense too. I felt a stronger sense of oneness from that, like we’re all in this together, pushing back against a zombie horde of 30,000 lies. It’s time to shift this reality in a more positive direction. It was really wonderful to see so many comments coming in from people who are similarly aligned with creating a positive future.

By saying a firm no to 100% pure crap and the people who are wallowing in it, I see beautiful doors opening in the part of reality that isn’t crap.

I felt tremendous respect and admiration for Cary Elwes for making the event happen – one actor stepping up to bring us together in this way.

Lately I’ve been experiencing a rising sense of hope and optimism. I’m feeling better and better about the direction this reality is going.

This is common when we step up our boundary management. Say a really bigger no to the misaligned and stop engaging with it. This doesn’t mean denying the existence of the misaligned. It means acknowledging: I see that you exist – and that you really are a pile of shit that doesn’t belong anywhere near me!

When you see a pile of crap on the sidewalk, do you feel inclined to talk to it and see if you might improve your relationship with it? Or is the sight and smell enough of a turnoff for you to simply call it as you see it and step around it, or shovel it off to the side, so no one else steps in it?

Now there is a nonzero chance that some crap contains gold or diamonds. Is that enough for you to go digging into it each time?

When I label the shit as shit, I needn’t give it as much attention, which frees my attention to focus on legitimate sources of social gold. Engaging with the real gold is fun and rewarding and way less stinky.

So my preferred approach to dealing with Trump supporters isn’t to engage with them – I have zero interest in subjecting myself to the vapid nonsense they spout. I prefer to marginalize the hell out of them. Squeeze them to the borders of my reality, so I barely notice them anymore. Send them back to the simulator to repurpose as something more useful, like fresh spatulas.

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Fragile Objections

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Suppose you’re sitting in a Toastmasters meeting where members are practicing their speaking skills. Suppose there are about 20 members in the room, which would be pretty typical for a Toastmasters club.

Now suppose you hear a fellow member give a speech that you find objectionable, and it bothers you to hear such words spoken within your club. The topic is permitted within the club though.

What do you do?

Do you stay quiet and keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself?

Do you voice your objections to the speaker privately?

Do you privately share your concerns with some other members about the speech or the speaker?

Do you stand up during the meeting and voice your objections in front of all the members, including the speaker?

Do you sign up to give a speech, so you can disagree with the first speech?

Do you call for a vote to kick the member out?

Do you switch to a different Toastmasters club?

Do you quit Toastmasters altogether?

How you handle this depends on your personality and how you frame the situation. Your response depends on the meaning you assign.

Some assignments of meaning will cause you to have a more fragile relationship with your club, with its members, or with Toastmasters. Other meanings will give you enough resilience to maintain a long-term connection to your club or the organization.

Here’s a very fragile assignment of meaning:

What that speaker shared is totally out of line and should never be heard in this or any other Toastmasters club. If I stay in this club (or in Toastmasters), it means I’m personally condoning what this speaker said. I cannot stomach that.

That framing is pretty inflexible. It frames you into a corner, giving you few options. This sort of framing is incongruent with a long-term membership in Toastmasters.

Here’s a more resilient and flexible assignment of meaning:

A Toastmasters meeting is a growth-oriented practice space. Toastmasters is where members go to learn and build their skills. We don’t expect perfection there. We expect and even encourage mistakes. It’s expected that some members will share disagreeable ideas. It can even be good to have our viewpoints challenged sometimes. Variety can be nice.

If you’re in Toastmasters long enough, there’s a good chance you’ll encounter an objectionable speech or speaker. If you want a more resilient relationship with Toastmasters, it’s important to take these situations in stride. If you get worked up over them, you’ll have a more fragile relationship with Toastmasters, and sooner or later you’ll find a reason to ring the bell and quit.

From the outside looking in, the difference between these frames is pretty striking. You may look at the first frame and think that of course it’s not going to work long-term if someone adopts that frame. The second frame provides way more flexibility.

Here’s a key point: You always have a choice of framing. You can lean towards resilient frames, or you can choose fragile frames. By choosing a fragile frame, you increase the likelihood that you’re going to have to ring the bell and quit eventually. With the first framing above, quitting Toastmasters becomes pretty much inevitable; it’s just a matter of time.

So consider that by adopting such a fragile frame, you’re really choosing ring the bell and quit as well. Using a fragile frame is a way of inviting the final straw moment to present itself, often before you can identify a viable final straw event.

Why do this fragility dance then? Why pick a fragile meaning when it leads to such a predictable outcome?

One reason is that people often prefer a final straw objection. It provides a neat and tidy justification for a sometimes complex decision.

Like any growth-oriented space, Toastmasters is uncomfortable at times. You invite some risk when you show up. You may feel anxious at a meeting. You may face embarrassment. Now and then you may leave a meeting not feeling good about how you did. You may feel envious of peers who seem to be progressing faster than you.

It’s hard to keep showing up and facing that discomfort. It’s also hard to say that you’re leaving because you no longer want to deal with that discomfort.

Truthfully there are lots of reasons that people may choose a fragile frame. A common reason is to speed up the arrival of a final straw moment, so quitting can be justified without having to offer up a reason like, “It’s too uncomfortable” or “I felt too anxious” or even “My heart is calling me in a different direction.”

The downside of using fragile objections is that other people often won’t buy into them. While you may feel they’re solid enough reasons to explain your bell ringing, it’s fairly easy for many people to see them as self-created justifications, just as easily as you can spot the fragility of the first frame above. People will generally let you off the hook when you produce your fragile objection, but they’ll also likely conclude that it wasn’t your real reason for ringing the bell.

Ultimately fragile objections are a crutch. This crutch begins with the adoption of a fragile frame. A key personal growth challenge is to graduate from needing to use fragile frames that inevitably lead to fragile objections. If you’re going to ring the bell, can you learn to do that without needing to engineer any justification for it.

In any area of life, you can ring the bell and quit without having to explain or justify your actions. You can quit Toastmasters at any time and for any reason, for instance. You can quit your job today just because you decide it’s time.

I think another reason people use fragile objections is that it’s a less scary way to transition. Some decisions involve a lot of uncertainty, and it isn’t perfectly clear which way to go. To decide without a fragile objection, you need to trust reality or your intuition a lot more. You also have to accept that a big decision involves risk. If it feels like you have little or no choice in the matter, it takes some of the pressure off and makes you feel less responsible for the choice and its outcome.

So one solution I’ll provide is this: Be willing to be wrong. Be willing to make mistakes. Be willing to sit in the muck of bad outcomes that resulted from your decisions.

Consider that this life is much like a Toastmasters meeting. It’s a growth-oriented space where you learn by doing. You will make mistakes. You will make some decisions that leave you shaking your head afterwards. And that’s okay. It’s part of the reason you’re here.

You do not need to engineer fragile objections to ease the burden of those decisions by artificially narrowing your options. You can choose flexible frames that give you lots of options, and you can still make decisions even when facing a minefield of risk. Now and then you’ll choose wrong. Celebrate that you’re free to do that because that is an incredible gift.

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