Core of Play

While pondering an update to my mission statement, I was thinking about how to frame relationships, and this line popped into my mind:

My relationships are based on play.

My relationship with Rachelle fits this like a glove, and I think it’s why we’ve had 10+ happy years together. Same goes for my best friendships.

This applies to more than human relationships, like my relationships with work, creative projects, personal growth experiments, writing, speaking, courses, coaching, hobbies, etc. There’s a core of play when the flow is strong and healthy.

When a relationship loses its core of play, it seems to be on its way out and won’t endure, or it devolves into something not worth preserving.

What happens if you reflect upon past relationships with the lens of play? Any insights generated from that?

If you’re considering a transition in some area of life, could it be that the old path lost its core of play (or never had it to begin with)?

Consider the lens that a healthy relationship is really about play. I’m not saying that this is absolutely true. Just look at your past relationships through this lens, and see if it sparks any interesting realizations or reassessments. When you reflect upon the story arc of the relationship with respect to its changing level of playfulness over time, what do you see?

Also consider that you have a relationship with your work. When that relationship loses its core of play, does it ever work?

Consider the ripples that play generates – connection, caring, bonding, happiness, enjoyment, appreciation, respect, cooperation, etc. Those can be valuable in any relationship context – both in work and your personal life.

Injuries can still occur, but in a context of play (like a game), they’re quickly forgiven. When people lose sight of the play aspect, then an injury may be taken more seriously though.

What can be objectively accomplished with a frame of seriousness that can’t also be accomplished at least as well with a frame of play?

One way to think of play is that it maintains the intensity of seriousness but ditches the attachment. It lightens the experience of full engagement, allowing you to focus on the present moment activity without worrying so much about the outcome. The lens of play removes the clinginess without being forced to descend into goofiness.

I’ve always appreciated playful relationships more than others. That’s been true of romantic and sexual relationships, connections with colleagues, coaching or mentoring relationships, friendships, and even random acquaintances. Playfulness elevates the mundane, making it more stimulating but not stressful.

Play can be a tough value to respect unless you test it enough and see what it does for you. When you observe that investing in play generates strong results with good consistency, it’s easier to trust it. Also observe the results you get when you lose the connection to the core of play. Which results do you prefer?

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Immersion Days

I love immersion days. These are days when I focus on just one type of experience, project, or aspect of life for pretty much the whole day.

Immersion days can be personal or professional. Here are some examples:

  • A day of decluttering or cleaning
  • A day at Disneyland
  • A workshop day, either presenting one or attending one
  • A day outside in nature
  • A day running errands
  • A day of studying, learning, reading, or taking online courses
  • A day of learning new recipes and cooking up a storm
  • A day of changing a room’s configuration, like setting up a video studio
  • A day of writing, editing, recording, and publishing new material
  • A day out and about with Rachelle with no advance plan, doing whatever strikes our fancy moment by moment
  • A day of binge watching shows or playing a video game
  • A day of travel, especially involving multiple planes and countries
  • A day of relaxation
  • A day of total laziness
  • A day of reflection, meditation, and journaling
  • A day of making decisions, creating clarity, and planning ahead
  • A day of sensual experiences
  • A day of gardening
  • A day of exploration or sightseeing
  • A day wandering through a huge museum like the Louvre
  • A day of social hangouts
  • A day of skill building or practice

Immersion days may not be your default setting. It’s more common to have days that include lots of different activities. But what happens if you repeat those combo days too many times in a row? You may crave some variety.

I love the mono-focus of immersion days. They’re a great antidote for too much sameness and predictability. Too many combo days gets boring after a while.

While some aspect of your mind is going on overdrive during an immersion day, other parts of your mind get to rest. Even though an immersion day may seem intense, it’s also a major break. So don’t just think about the activity; also consider what you’re allowing to go inactive. Spend a day cooking, and you’ve spend a whole day not writing.

Immersion days can also create breakthroughs to move some area of life forward significantly. Imagine the impact of a full day of sorting, purging, and decluttering. Consider a day of deep study on a topic that interests you. What about investing a whole day in content creation, such as via batch blogging? (I’m doing this right now; I wrote this post on Friday along with several others.)

Immersion days and combo days are options for you. I encourage you to mix and match to discover what you like and what keeps you in a healthy and productive flow.

Stringing together too many combo days gets boring for me, but too many immersion days leads to overwhelm, so I like some of each. I don’t always like the same mix each week. Some weeks I prefer all combo days. Some weeks I’m in the mood for only immersion days. And other weeks I want some of each.

When you feel stuck or sluggish, consider flipping to the opposite modality for a nice change of pace. And remember that you’re not just changing what you’re doing; you’re also changing how you’re resting.

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Training and Performance

In many jobs your working hours are performance hours. You’re expected to do the work that creates value. If you’re a programmer, you get paid to program. If you’re a lawyer, you get paid to help people solve legal problems.

But in some jobs, performance is just a small slice of paid time on the job.

Consider a professional basketball player, for instance. The performance time is during competitive games with other teams. Game time performance is what creates the value for the franchise, the fans, the sponsors, and the other stakeholders.

But for the athletes, most of the time on the job isn’t performance time. During those other hours, they’re training, practicing, being coached, preparing, recovering, etc. Of course this is still important work so they can be prepared to perform well during televised games.

What if you currently do work that’s mostly performance but you approach it like a professional athlete? What would that look like?

Where is your job closest to the performance of a pro athlete? Which activities really count in terms of delivering value and earning your pay?

Most likely your hours on the job aren’t all equal in terms of delivering value. Some activities may be more critical than others, especially when it comes to career advancement or business success.

Do you know what those critical activities are?

Once you know the critical activities, where’s the training portion of your day? Where’s the ongoing investment in further honing your skills, so you can get better and better at the performance side? Are you investing in enough training… or barely any?

I could frame blogging as a performance activity since my articles are public facing and provide value to people. I could then imagine many hours of private journaling, reading, experimenting, and exploring to be training and practice.

Alternatively, I could frame blogging as a practice or training activity. And I could imagine a larger project like writing a book, creating a course, or delivering a workshop as a performance activity.

The reality is that I use both frames and often flip between them. Sometimes I see blogging as a way to beta-test ideas. Other times I see it as a core activity for delivering value to people. The framing is flexible. But what isn’t so flexible is that some form of training and practice is necessary. Whichever frame I use, training and practice must be an essential part of it.

Alternatively, suppose you view your work as 100% performance time. There is no practice and training while you’re on the clock. How does that framing sit with you? Does it suggest that if you want to improve, you have to devote some of your personal unpaid time to training and skill-building? I think that’s exactly what it suggests.

While you do get some performance gains from training, it’s best not to confuse the two. Training gives you more coverage of different skills than performance alone ever will. You may practice situations in training that you’ll rarely experience on the performance side, yet it’s critical to have those skills when they’re needed. With training you can also break down the fundamental skills and work on them more thoroughly than you can on the performance side.

Imagine that 90% (or more) of your work time is just practice and training, and 10% (or less) is real performance time. If you use this lens, which activities would you put on each side?

What are your most critical skills that provide the most value? What would happen if you devoted the other 90% of your work time to honing and training up those skills to an even higher level?

Suppose you create and publish videos as your main work product. All the value you provide is in your published videos. Now suppose you spent 90% of your work time just training and practicing your video skills – but not publishing any of that work. Do you think that would impact what you’re able to deliver with the other 10%?

The 90-10 ratios are arbitrary by the way. You could use 80-20, 50-50, or anything else that appeals to you. What ratios make you reconsider your approach to work? I like the extreme of 90-10 thinking because it gets me closer to the mindset of a pro athlete who has to invest an extraordinary amount of training and practice time for a small amount of performance time. In reality their ratio is likely to be even more extreme than 90-10, especially if you consider Olympic athletes who may train years for a single performance (which in some cases may be measured in seconds).

Play around with this frame. You don’t have to use it exclusively, but it can be an interesting way to think about work and productivity. What if you approached your work like a pro athlete whereby the vast majority of your work time was treated as training and practice for a small but important slice of critical performance time? Could this (or something close to it) be a better model than seeing your work at 100% performance time?

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Batch Blogging

Almost all of the articles I’ve posted this year – or ever, actually – were written on the same day they were published. It’s been my blogging style for the past 16 years to write and edit posts in a single writing session and then to publish them when they’re complete.

This year is unusual because it’s the first year that I’ve made a commitment to publish a new post every day of the year, so up until this point, I’ve been writing every day of the year. Very occasionally I’ve written two posts in one day, but nearly all of my posts were published on the same day I wrote them.

Last week I decided to do something different. On Tuesday, August 4th, I opted to try batch blogging – basically to spend my whole workday writing and editing blog articles and queuing them up to be published on subsequent days.

I shunned this approach in previous years because I always felt that when an article is done, I should share it immediately. Why make people wait?

With this year’s daily blogging, however, I see this differently. I don’t think people need (or want) multiple articles in a single day. I’m already writing and publishing faster than some people are able to keep up with the reading. So a faster rate of publication seems like overkill.

I also like that if I write multiple posts in a day, I can take some days off from blogging. I don’t necessarily need to do that, but I’m curious how it will affect me. As a side note, somehow I picked the best possible year for this daily commitment – gotta love the power of trusting intuitive signals.

I’d always intended to test batch blogging sometime during this year, which is why I framed my daily blogging commitment as daily publishing, not daily writing. After doing 7+ months so far, continuing to blog every day for another 5 months seems pretty easy and straightforward – maybe a bit too easy – so I’d like to play with different approaches to see how they suit me.

I think batch creation is easier (and faster) to do with videos or audios, but I’m pretty fast at writing, so I felt I could make it work. I could make this easier by favoring shorter posts, but generally I like to let the content itself dictate the length. Writing flows through me like a river, and I find it best not to try to control it too tightly.

To speed things along, I brainstormed enough ideas for 8 new articles the day before my batch blogging day, so on the actual writing day I could just focus on writing articles instead of coming up with topics. I also jotted down a few keywords or quick ideas for each article, like 20-50 words to help me frame and capture each idea.

Additionally, I posted about this experiment in the CGC member forums and invited members to share additional ideas for new articles. I’m easily able to come up with new ideas on my own, but I figured that more abundance of ideas is better. I figured that it would be easier to do batch blogging if I could select ideas from a pool of 20 or 30 rather than a pool of 8. This gives me more flexibility in picking topics to match my inspiration and energy levels. Most of the time it felt like the next article choose me rather than vice versa. After finishing one article, I’d look back at the ideas list, and I’d pick up a clear signal to write a certain piece next.

My initial goal was to write 5 posts in a day. I thought that was conservative and that I’d likely be able to do more. This is more than I’ve ever written in a day though, so in that sense the bar was high, but I also felt that it should be achievable.

This batch blogging day was an off-day for exercise, so I got an early start. I wonder if it would be have better if I did my usual 5-mile run to start the day though.

I made a large green smoothie, cleared out a few minor tasks first, and wrote the first article of 1022 words (Is It Unethical to Have Pets?) while sipping the smoothie. I published it immediately since that was the post for that day.

Next I wrote a second article of 1219 words (Pre-Consent in Relationships) and queued it for publishing the next day.

I took a break to have more food (some grain-free cereal with fresh strawberries), and then I wrote a longer piece on entrepreneurship called Your Giant Pumpkin (2163 words).

I finished that one around 12:30pm and queued it for publishing.

I took a longer break for lunch with Rachelle and went back to writing around 2:30pm.

Next I wrote Fragile Habits (1055 words), took a short break, and wrote Your #1 Priority May Lead You Astray (1101 words).

By this time I was getting a bit bleary-eyed, so I took another break and chatted with Rachelle for a bit. I was pretty happy with 5 posts done since that was my goal.

I felt it would be nice to wrap up the day with an infrared sauna session, so I switched it on to heat it up. It takes about 45 minutes to heat up to 145º F. I figured that I could write at least one more post, maybe two short ones, while the sauna was heating, so I challenged myself to write some more.

I wrote Ass-Kicking Frames during that time. It’s only 608 words, but it took extra time to brainstorm and look up relevant movie quotes for it. I didn’t mind the extra time it took since I really enjoyed writing that piece – it was my favorite one of the day, probably because it was the most playful.

I finished around 6pm with six posts written, edited, and queued for publishing – 7168 words of new material.

That Tuesday writing marathon created enough articles to cover daily blogging through the following Sunday, with all of the posts queued to be automatically published in the morning of each day.

That meant I wouldn’t have to blog again till the following Monday (which is actually today, the day that this post is published).

I found the challenge lively, stimulating, and fun. It gave me a nice sense of accomplishment too. I’ve never written that many posts in a day before, so now I can say that my new record is writing six posts in one day.

The sauna session afterwards was really nice as well – a relaxing way to transition out of the blogging marathon.

At the end of the day, my brain was mush though. I could barely speak intelligibly when talking with Rachelle while we made dinner together that night. I tripped on my words a few times, as if trying to say tongue twisters. It felt like my language circuits were pretty fried.

Quite often when doing a long work session, I don’t feel the fatigue while I’m working, but I really feel it when I stop or take breaks. I felt the fatigue most strongly after writing. While writing I felt great.

I think that with more practice (or shorter articles), I could do more posts in a day. All but one of these were over 1000 words, and one was over 2000 words. I could mix in some shorter posts around 500 words.

I imagine that blogging daily for 7+ months made this easier since it keeps me warmed up for writing, but I also think I could have done this in prior years. What really helped was to make the commitment to give it a real test. I also think that generating article ideas the day before made it significantly easier. In the past I casually pondered batch blogging but never really committed myself to testing it seriously. This time I cleared my plate for the day and committed myself to write as much as I could before dinner time.

I could have written more if I did more writing after dinner, but my intention wasn’t to completely exhaust myself. I wanted to containerize it within a workday that ended before dinner. I wrote everything within a span of 12 hours but with ample breaks; that was sufficient for a decent personal proof of concept test.

I also did some other tasks along the way, including interacting in the CGC forums, handling some emails, and resolving a minor tech issue on the website, so technically the day wasn’t fully cleared, but I had enough space to make writing my primary focus for the day.

I think with some practice I could get up to doing 8-10 posts in one day. But I’d love to see if I can sustainably write 7 posts in one day since that would cover a week. Then I could dedicate one day a week to blogging and batch write all my posts. That would give me 6 days off from blogging every week. I’m curious how that change in workflow would turn out.

I also wonder if I continue to practice this way, will my writing circuits build more endurance, so I don’t feel as fatigued afterwards?

I actually wrote this post the day after that batch blogging day, in the morning on Wednesday, August 5th. I wanted to write one more post to cover Monday the 10th, so if I do another batch blogging day, I can do it on Tuesday the 11th. That’s because Monday wouldn’t be suitable since we have a CGC coaching call that day. I want my batch blogging days to be free of appointments, so I can stick with writing and not have to switch modes.

I do feel that my writing circuits are a bit off this morning. I feel very warmed up from yesterday’s marathon of writing, so in one sense the words are flowing easily. But I can also tell that some parts of my brain feel foggy and overworked and could use more rest and recovery. I feel like my eyes could use a break from staring at the screen too. I don’t feel fatigued per se. It just seems like some parts of my brain are still offline, as if I can’t get my mind to think properly in certain directions. I imagine that many people who’ve done very mono-focused work sessions can relate to this sensation.

Anyway… I consider this experiment an interesting success, so I’m going to lean into it further and see how well it goes.

You can be the judge, but I don’t feel that batch blogging negatively affected my writing. Writing this way is extra stimulating, fun, and challenging, so I feel this approach may inject some extra positives.

Writing one post a day feels a bit underwhelming by comparison – way too easy. I can be a bit of a stimulation junkie when it comes to creative work, so I like the freshness of this approach. I like that this could be an interesting way to push myself again, especially in terms of writing endurance.

I see batch blogging as an interesting tool to add to my creative toolbox. I can use it when I want, and I can also write individual posts outside of batch blogging sessions when I feel inspired to do so.

My daily blogging commitment is just for 2020, not something I intend to continue in future years. But I like the potential for batch blogging in future years since I may be able to write a month’s worth of articles in a day… or perhaps a calendar quarter’s worth of articles in a few days. That could create some interesting workflow rhythms since it would free up more space for creative projects in the space between. I could potentially go a few months at a stretch without attending to blogging while still providing the value that people like.

I supposed you could say that this article (2010 words) was part of the same batch blogging session, just carried into the next day. In that case the session amounts to 7 articles (9178 words).

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Ass-Kicking Frames

Here’s a really simple idea that can be useful for self-motivation.

Sometimes our frames are too flabby, giving us lots of leeway to drop the ball and slack off. In such cases it may be useful to adopt harsher frames, at least temporarily, to demand more from ourselves.

Here are some of these ass-kicking frames to consider:

  • Worrying = dumb
  • Quitting = dishonorable
  • Sleeping past 5am = loser
  • Not asking for the date = spineless
  • Clinging to a partial match = creepy
  • Tolerating Trump supporters = suffering fools

I think such frames are best when linked closely to actions and behaviors, not to more complex results like income. They can be helpful when facing quick do or don’t decisions, like: Get up now, or sleep in late.

Imagine your alarm going off in the morning, and you’re tempted to sleep in. Then an inner voice kicks in and exclaims: Sleeping in is for losers! Get your ass up now!

Or suppose you catch yourself worrying about something you can’t control, and you remind yourself: Worrying is a stupid waste of energy!

While I’m not suggesting that you beat yourself up here, I do think there’s room for using such frames judiciously without risking damage to your self esteem.

Challenging yourself in this way can actually be fun and motivating. I know it’s not for everyone, but for some people it helps. It’s a tool – use it if you like it. Try it if you think it has promise.

You can even connect this practice with memorable movie lines if you like, such as these:

  • On your feet, soldier! – The Terminator
  • Get your ass to Mars! – Total Recall
  • I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubblegum. – They Live
  • Pain don’t hurt. – Roadhouse
  • I feel the need, the need for speed. – Top Gun
  • I know kung fu. – The Matrix
  • You can’t handle the truth! – A Few Good Men
  • Freedom! – Braveheart
  • I pity the fool. – Rocky III
  • Wake up, time to die. – Blade Runner
  • Game over, man! – Aliens
  • I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane! – I hope you can guess this one. 😉

Even if the words of a line don’t quite fit your situation, that isn’t important. The emotion of the frame is what matters. “Get your ass to Mars!” may not fit your context, but if you remember the movie, you may remember the urgency of the line, right before bullets start flying. The emotion of this frame may be more effective than a more rational frame but emotionally flabby frame that makes it easy to slack off or quit on yourself.

There are so many good framing lines just in the movie The Princess Bride:

  • Inconceivable!
  • Death first!
  • I can cope with torture.
  • As you wish.
  • We are men of action. Lies do not become us.
  • Humiliations galore!
  • Have fun storming the castle!
  • It would take a miracle.
  • Life is pain.
  • Get used to disappointment.
  • To the pain!
  • Morons.

If you remember how the characters said these lines, you can summon some fun and engaging emotions that help you get into action. I especially love the “I can cope with torture” framing for facing unpleasant tasks. And I recently use the “Death first” line as a response when someone asked what it would take for me to eat something non-vegan. I wish I could use the “I am not left-handed” line from that movie too, but I actually am left-handed.

Are you kicking your own ass enough? If not, then stop using emotionally flabby frames, and get your ass to Mars!

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Your #1 Priority May Lead You Astray

While it’s good to set goals and establish priorities, there’s a risk when you become myopically focused on a single outcome.

Single mindedness can be okay for a while if you’re progressing nicely, but if you’ve gotten stuck and the needle isn’t moving, this stuckness can prevent you from making progress in any area of life. And that can really make you feel trapped or stagnant.

Have you ever seen the following issues in yourself or someone else?

  • Still needing to lose weight being used as an excuse not to invest in social life or relationships
  • Long-term troubles with financial scarcity or chronic health problems postponing meaningful lifestyle improvements
  • Misaligned relationships delaying entrepreneurial pursuits
  • Still living with one’s parents being used a reason not to date

Have you ever told yourself that you really, really have to fix one particular area of life before you can properly improve another area of life?

I’ve definitely done that before. I did it when I was broke. I did in my first marriage. I did it when I was feeling out of alignment with my first business. I repeatedly fell into the trap of obsessing over areas of life that were stuck, and somehow that made the stuckness even worse.

Sometimes it’s really hard to make forward progress in your area of greatest stuckness, even when you make that area your #1 priority. Sometimes it just won’t budge no matter how much force and effort you apply.

This can be immensely disheartening and draining. In particular, I found it super draining to keep trying to fix my finances when I was broke. I only fixed this area by shifting my attention to different parts of life that eventually led to good solutions for that stuck area.

I see similar patterns in others who keep trying to force progress in an area that isn’t progressing.

What’s the solution?

Give up… at least for a while. Surrender that stuck area to stagnation. Go invest what little energy you have left in some other area of life that you’ve been neglecting.

You’ll probably be astonished at how quickly you can make progress in a different area of life that isn’t being choked by the same degree of stuckness.

Maybe your finances are terrible right now, but you might make serious progress in your health and fitness at this time. Or switch your focus to having fun for a week or two.

Maybe you’re stuck with health problems, but you could potentially make wonderful improvements in your social life if you give it more attention (at least online at this time). A richer and more aligned social life could actually help you become healthier.

Many people, including me, have found that it’s when we give up and go attend to some other aspect of life, we finally start progressing in our primary area too – often in ways we never would have predicted.

I’m not entirely sure why this is – it just works so damned well though.

We could use the Law of Attraction frame and say that shifting focus elevates your vibe, and that helps get the stuck energy flowing again. We could say it’s due to stress reduction or a confidence boost. We could say it’s due to freeing up mental resources and thereby restoring your problem solving abilities. We could say that there’s a social effect, where more people may notice that you’re not such a Debbie Downer anymore, and now they’re happier to connect with you and bring you aligned opportunities and invitations.

How we explain this isn’t what’s most important here – use whatever frame you like as long as it gets you moving in some other direction. Just try to be open-minded about the possibility for non-linear progress. Realize that there are multiple potential reasons why it may be wise to shift your focus away from your #1 priority for a while.

There’s a good chance you already sense this instinctively. Do you notice a subtle voice nudging you to shift focus away from your stuck area? Do you think there may be a part of you that knows that the path to a solution requires some lateral movement first?

I know it can be hard to rationally explain to other people why you should shift gears. It’s like owing money to a gangster. You can’t justify that the best way to pay them back is for you to take a break from focusing on your finances for a few weeks. You may feel like you’ll lose your kneecaps if you go that route.

Try not to create that type of relationship within yourself though. Realize that breaking away from your #1 priority may be an intelligent and rational choice, even if your inner gangster doesn’t trust that it will work. At some point you have to face the hard truth that you’re not progressing and that continuing down the same path isn’t magically going to start working in the next week or two.

I’ve stumbled upon some of the most amazing advancements on my path of personal growth from lateral exploration. Here are some examples:

  • Volunteering in a nonprofit association helped me learn what I needed to make my first business profitable.
  • Going to Disneyland for 30 days in a row helped spawn the idea for Conscious Growth Club.
  • Attending a Hay House conference (mostly on spiritual topics) helped me change careers from game development to personal development.
  • Blogging about that same conference (but in a different year) led to a book deal and later speaking at that very same conference – twice.
  • Doing my first workshop led to meeting Rachelle, with whom I’ve shared a wonderful 10+ year relationship, including tons of travel adventures.
  • Doing a joint-venture business deal eventually led to an invitation to join the Transformational Leadership Council, which gave me dozens of growth-oriented friends along with more travel adventures.
  • Getting into international speaking led to some wonderful social and romantic experiences.

Getting stuck happens. Staying stuck is a choice.

Sometimes the energy doesn’t want to flow forward. Sometimes it wants to flow sideways. Maybe from a multidimensional perspective, sideways for you is actually forward in the grand scheme of life, the universe, and everything.

Recognize when the energy isn’t flowing in the direction you expect, and go look for where it does want to flow. Stop exhausting yourself with tiresome paddling, and find the current again.

Don’t be stubborn when you get stuck. Get back in tune with the possibility space. Stay humble, and remind yourself that you don’t know everything. Sometimes the fastest route forward is exactly where you don’t expect to find it.

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Fragile Habits

Some habits are more fragile than others.

Once established, some habits are very delicate. If you miss a day or try to alter them, it’s easy to knock them out of place completely and see them fade out.

Other habits are more resilient. You can push and prod them, change them in different ways, and they still stick pretty well. At the extreme they act like borderline addictions – it’s harder to stop doing them than to keep doing them.

For me early rising is a relatively fragile habit. I need to be strict with it to keep it in place. I can let myself sleep in a little later very infrequently, like a few times per quarter for an extra hour or two if I really want, but otherwise it’s an always-on habit seven days a week. If I start permitting exceptions even once a week, there’s too much chance of falling out of the habit. Knowing how fragile it is makes it easier for me to accept its fragility and thereby maintain the habit.

Daily exercise is a more resilient habit overall, but some aspects of it are more fragile, so I still have to be careful with it. The timing is sensitive; it usually works best if I do it first thing in the morning. The format is less sensitive, but I’m most consistent with running outside. The duration is very flexible since I can maintain this habit just as well whether I do 30 or 60 minutes or more. The frequency is semi-fragile. If I do 5-6 days per week, I’m good – I don’t need to do this every day to maintain it.

How do you know how fragile certain habits are and to what extent? You test, and you keep track of what you learned from testing.

When some people fail to install a habit or lose a good habit they’d previously gained, they see it as a personal failing. I think that’s a weak way to frame it. Look to the parameters of the habit instead. If those had been slightly different, you might have succeeded. Don’t beat yourself up when a habit doesn’t stick. Examine how you were approaching the habit instead. Where did you cross the line from consistency to collapse?

It’s good to experiment with your habit parameters to see where the fragility is and where you can count on flexibility and robustness. Which tweaks are risky? Which changes are pretty safe? You can discover these answers through experience.

When you lean where the fragile edges are, you can go right up to them when you want extra flexibility without crossing them. Granted these edges will usually be fuzzy, but you can still map out where the safe zones and danger zones are.

I recommend establishing a strict baseline for your habits that you know you can stick with first. This is why I like 30-day challenges as a good starting point. Start with solid consistency for a good month at least. Don’t even skip one day. When you feel confident that you could continue as-is, you can try tweaking the habit here and there to map out the fragile zones. Maybe back off to 5 or 6 days a week. Try doing the habit at a different time of day. Change the duration. Change the setting.

Learn where flexibility works and where it doesn’t. If a habit starts to break, and you catch it early, you can return to your previous baseline for another week or two before you experiment again.

If you totally lose a habit for a while, you can re-establish it with a fresh 30-day challenge. But remember how you broke it, and do your best to avoid making that same mistake again.

One reason I struggled to lock-in being an early riser is that I thought I could be semi-flexible with it, like it would be fine if I gave myself a “cheat day” once a week or so. From many years of emails and coaching calls with people attempting to adopt a similar habit, I can tell you that this is a super common mistake that holds many people back. Too many times I gave myself permission to stay up late, and I screwed it up and lost the habit. I learned from experience that I need to be strict with it to maintain it. That realization keeps me on track. It’s actually easier to get up at the same time daily versus only six days a week.

My recent food logging habit, on the other hand, seems very resilient. It would be hard to break it, partly because it’s so easy to keep going with it. This is also a simple habit to re-establish even if I did break it since it doesn’t require any significant willpower to pick up where I left off. So I’m gradually opening up to be less strict while still keeping to the core value it provides, which is awareness of what I’m eating. I’m starting to eyeball the quantities of more foods that I eat often and where the calories normally fall into tight ranges. One banana is only going to have so many calories, and I really don’t need to weigh a few olives each time. It’s not going to matter much if my estimates are off by +/- 50 calories at the end of a day, especially since my exercise and activity varies each day too. Doing this habit imperfectly still provides essentially the same benefits as doing it perfectly, as long as I don’t fall below some minimum standard of tracking.

If you struggle to adopt or maintain certain habits, consider that you may be dipping into the fragile danger zone with them too often. You may be trying to maintain a more casual and flexible relationship with the habit than it permits. But you may also be able to squeeze more flexibility out of a habit if you accept the necessity from stricter form on the most fragile aspects. For instance, I can choose different routes to run each day.

There’s freedom in strictness. It’s more peace-inducing to know where the boundaries are since then you know what it takes to maintain the habit. Know your minimum standard means that you can trust the habit to stick as long as you stay at or above that standard.

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Your Giant Pumpkin

One of my favorite business books is The Pumpkin Plan by Mike Michalowicz. It uses the analogy of growing giant pumpkins and applies it to building a business.

The basic idea is to figure out who your best customers or clients are, so you can specifically tailor your business to serving them well. Then ideally you’ll attract more people like them and build a thriving business that’s also a joy to run.

Here’s the key though: To grow a giant pumpkin, you need to pluck the smaller pumpkins off the vine – whichever pumpkins aren’t good candidates for eventually becoming giant ones. Ultimately you want all of the vine’s energy flowing into growing just one pumpkin – the pumpkin that will become your giant one.

Mike suggests actually firing your misaligned customers (i.e. your partial matches), even if it means letting most of your customers go. Then rebuild from whatever is left, even if you only have one or two clients left after purging.

Note that this is similar to Marie Kondo’s strategy of releasing whatever possessions don’t spark joy for you. You could regard The Pumpkin Plan as The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up applied to business. Keep what sparks joy. Let the rest go. Then make sure whatever else you add sparks joy too. It’s about raising your standards and then keeping them high.

When you develop higher standards for the customers you attract, you can focus on building long-term, win-win relationships with them. Such people are delightful to serve. They appreciate what you do for them.

Consider a company you love to deal with. Compare that with a company you hate dealing with. Now flip it around. For the first company, you’re probably an awesome customer, and they may have good reason to want to invest more in a relationship with you. Would you like that too?

For the second company, however, you may be a bad customer for them, and they may be better off repelling you because they can’t actually do a good job of pleasing you. But they may be able to please and delight a different kind of customer. Do you see how that might be possible? A company that sucks for you to deal with might actually be decent or even good for someone else. You may not be a good investment for them, but someone else might.

I think how far you take this frame depends on your type of business and how much work is needed to serve people. With my blog I can serve lots of people who never become paying customers, and I’m fine with that because the Internet makes this very efficient. But since we also offer courses and Conscious Growth Club memberships, I have to be careful about the incoming flow there. If we attract misaligned people into the courses and CGC, it could make the business a hell to run and really slow us down.

Fortunately the nature of my work does a pretty good job of attracting the right people. I’ve published more than 1550 blog posts, so that does a lot of filtering by the nature of the topics. Once they read enough free articles, people are generally pretty good at figuring out if we’re a good match or if we’d be better off going our own separate ways.

When I first started blogging in 2004, I didn’t think about this. But over time I realized that blogging serves to filter for aligned versus misaligned matches. It attracts a pool of people who want to keep investing in a long-term relationship together, and it (sooner or later) repels people who don’t want that.

Occasionally I write articles to deliberately repel certain types of people when it’s pretty obvious that we wouldn’t be good matches for working together long-term. Here are some examples:

  • 10 Reasons You Should Never Have a Religion – Highly religious people generally don’t make good matches for my business. I’m an ex-Catholic and don’t belong to any religion, and that bothers many of those people who see me as a heathen or heretic or some kind of demon. I know because in my early years of blogging, they used to send me long emails filled with Bible quotes telling my why I was doomed. So partly I wrote that 2008 article to deliberately piss them off and clear them out (which actually worked quite well). I want my business to be build upon mutual respect with the people I serve. People who are too religious don’t respect my open-mindedness and curiosity much, and I don’t have much respect for beliefs built upon layers of goofy nonsense (including the beliefs I was taught when I was younger). Moreover, having a head full of religious dogma really gets in the way of exploring many aspects of personal growth that require open-mindedness and framing flexibility. While I do believe you can be religious and still grow, I’d much rather work with people who’ve outgrown such training wheels and have the maturity to go faster. We don’t really know how this reality actually works at a base level, and we never will, and we need to deal with that intelligently. So I see getting past this clingy, false truth phase as an important prerequisite for getting into the much juicier aspects of personal growth. That said, I’m okay if such people want to keep reading my blog posts, and if a few do become customers from time to time, that’s okay too. But I don’t want my business to cater to their fictions. Some people have actually thanked me for how my work helped them overcome the constraints and limitations of misaligned religious beliefs, and I welcome more customers who want to take that journey too. So that article is also an invitation.
  • How to Be Vegan (and other articles on veganism) – I’ve been vegan for 23+ years, and my wife is a long-term vegan too. We’re ethical vegans, so we see it as unethical to treat animals and their bodies as products for human use. I wasn’t born vegan, so I know what it’s like to live with a very different values system as well. I’m fine having customers with opposing values in this area. But it’s important that they don’t have an issue with my being vegan because these values infuse my business too. For instance, if we did a live event and served food at the event, we’d make sure that are the meals were plant-based. To some people that will be attractive. To others it will be acceptable. But some would resist dealing with that kind of business. If people are too resistant to values that are really important to me, it will create friction in our ability to invest in each other long-term. We’d lose respect for each other. With an online business this friction is lower than it would be under different circumstances, but I still want people to do their part to self-select. If someone has an issue with veganism, they’re unlikely to be a strong long-term match. But someone could still be non-vegan and accepting of my lifestyle and values, and we could still invest powerfully in each other. I am used to interacting with people with different values, and I want to work with people who can handle this as well for our mutual benefit. Moreover, I love attracting fellow vegans as customers, so this filter works well both ways.
  • Please Begone From My Reality, Foul Trump Supporters – Trump supporters are quite possibly the worst mismatches for my business. One of our core principles is truth alignment because truth is a key growth accelerator, and such people are demonstrably far from it, not to mention Trump himself. The whole America First mindset obviously doesn’t mesh well with a global business that attracts readers and customers from all around the world. Imagine what it would do to this community if it were infected with lots of hatred, violent attitudes, ridiculous conspiracy theories, and so much other Trumpian nonsense. This isn’t about politics at all. It’s mostly about basic intelligence. So personally and professionally, I prefer to repel Trump supporters like infected zombies that might bite if they get too close. I don’t want customers that I’d feel inclined to punch (and that many current customers would want to punch too). If I did cater to Trump supporters, they’d eventually piss off many of my very best customers, much like you see certain customers fighting over masks at various retail stores like Costco or Target. I’d rather have a harmonious business that sparks joy. Trump supporters spark nausea.

I think you get the idea.

Since I’m very actively involved in the business (including writing the blog posts, creating the courses, and doing the coaching calls in CGC), it’s important that people are able to accept me personally too, at least well enough to feel good about being customers of my business. I think the best policy here is honesty and openness about what I’m into. So I don’t try to hide my personal interests, including those that will repel some people, like D/s play or open relationships.

Some people will try to make their businesses appeal to as many people as possible by following the rule “Thou shalt not take a stand.” I might be able to grow my business differently if I did that too, but I wouldn’t enjoy it as much. It wouldn’t spark as much joy. And I think my customers and readers would pick up on that too, and it would drag down our relationships.

Consider that if you hold yourself to a higher standard of customers who spark joy for you, you’ll very likely want to engage with and invest more in your business – because you like it. You’ll remove a lot of the friction that many entrepreneurs suffer from. It’s challenging enough to develop and evolve a business with the best customers. You don’t need to inject mixed feelings, doubt, worry, and procrastination to make it harder on yourself. Just think of what it would be like to run a business that attracts mostly Trump supporters, and you’ll get a better idea of how important this is.

Even after three years of doing group coaching calls in Conscious Growth Club, I still look forward to them. The reason is simple – the wonderful people we have inside and the cooperative spirit we create together. We still have our differences, including some hefty debates now and then, but deep down there’s enough alignment that we can work very well together to help each other grow.

A group like CGC is vulnerable and delicate though. It’s hard to create a group like this, and it would be easy to break it. I do my best to make sure that the stream that feeds it isn’t filling up with people who’d ruin what we’ve built.

I often frame my blogging work as writing for current and future CGC members. I primarily write for the giant pumpkins, and a big part of this involves pruning those who’d resist what we’re doing. As I see it, there’s no need for bad blood when that happens – the mismatches are simply someone else’s giant pumpkins.

My web traffic these days is significantly lower today than it was at its peak many years ago, yet my business is doing better than ever. We have zero debt, abundant cash, and solid and stable income streams. There’s a wonderful group of aligned customers who appreciate what we offer and who want more. That’s a really nice place to be, especially during a pandemic when many other businesses aren’t doing so well.

I think it was critical not to try to be all things to all people, such as by writing only fluffy articles that no one could object to. If you want to invite stronger alignment, you have to invite objection too. That’s true both personally and professionally. But the rejections are usually quick and painless. The long-term relationships you build can provide so much mutual benefit over time.

It’s really about impact. A business will be more impactful with some people than with others. If you get duped into dealing with too many mini-pumpkins, you probably won’t have the long-term impact that would really light you up and make you love going to work each day.

You may not really know who your giant pumpkin is when you start. I didn’t. That’s okay. When pumpkins start growing on a vine, you won’t immediately know which ones to prune and which one to keep. Give it time. Pay attention. Look for the serious misalignments, and prune them quickly. Then feed more energy into the candidate pumpkins till a clearer winner emerges.

More generally, pay attention to which aspects of your business spark joy, and invest more in them. And notice which aspects spark nausea, and prune them. This is especially important to do for your customers. Aligned relationships are good for all involved.

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Appreciation Density

In the past 11 weeks, I’ve lost an average of 1.15 pounds per week, mainly just by logging what I eat. This simple practice has helped me tweak and adjust my meal choices even though I’m still eating the same foods as I was previously. I’m eating less food in terms of calories, but my current diet is actually more satisfying than before. Since there’s no sense of restriction or deprivation, it’s frictionless to maintain this approach.

Let’s say that the appreciation density of a meal is your overall physical and emotional satisfaction with it, divided by its calories:

Appreciation Density = Satisfaction / Calories

I don’t exactly know how to calculate physical and emotional satisfaction though. Maybe we could rate the satisfaction of meals on a 1-10 scale, but fortunately that isn’t necessary. We can just compare based on equivalent calories by asking whether one meal is more or less satisfying than another. We can also do this at the level of individual ingredients.

Through food logging and a little reflection, I saw that some meals (and some ingredients) are more satisfying than others for the same number of calories.

I’ve learned that roasted eggplant is really satisfying relative to its calories. Peaches and strawberries are super satisfying as well. Steamed broccoli and zucchini with some hummus is a delightful meal – very satisfying for so few calories.

Some foods have diminishing returns if I include too much of them. For instance, 10g of olive oil on a salad may be pretty satisfying relative to the 90 calories it adds. But would 20g of olive oil be twice as satisfying? No, definitely not. Doubling the olive oil might only increase the satisfaction by an extra 20%, so it’s probably not worth it.

Adding 1/3 of an avocado to a salad can be really nice. But if I use a whole avocado, is it 3x as satisfying? Nope. I find that the sweet spot is to use about 1/4 to 1/2 of an avocado on a salad to get the maximum satisfaction relative to the calories.

Through lots of experimentation, I’m gradually figuring out better balancing points where I eat quantities of foods that raise the satisfaction level of a meal but where consuming more would lead to diminishing returns. So when I compose meals, I require each ingredient to pull its weight by meaningfully contributing to the overall satisfaction.

Note that satisfaction is mainly an emotional assessment. It’s based on how I feel during and after eating. How satisfied I’ll feel isn’t perfectly consistent. One day I may find 100g of some item optimal while I might prefer more or less of that item on a different day. By paying attention to my logs and connecting them to my inner sensations, I’m getting better at predicting what kinds of meals to make based on how I feel.

I don’t try to hold back from eating. I eat when I’m hungry. I just put a little more thought and care into making meals very satisfying relative to their calories.

Suppose you eat a 500-calorie lunch today. Have you ever considered how you might compose a 400-calorie lunch that’s actually more satisfying? If you could figure that out, you could shave off 100 calories per day while actually enjoying your lunch more. Now scale this up for every meal and snack, and come up with more solutions and variations. You could enjoy your food more while actually eating less.

I already eat an all vegan, mostly whole foods diet that typically includes 10+ servings of fruits and veggies per day, so take that into consideration. Making this diet highly nutritious isn’t an issue. But I don’t think I’d feel as emotionally satisfied if I tried to adapt this approach to a junk food diet. Whole foods leave me feeling better emotionally and physically.

I’ve been including some small indulgences, but I use them where they really add to the satisfaction. For instance, if I slice up two peaches (100 calories), and I add 50 calories worth of coconut whipped cream, that treat has a high appreciation density for its 150 calories, more than eating three peaches without the topping.

Another nice dessert is one date plus four pecan halves (80 cal). Split the date in two, and push two pecan pieces into each half – it’s like eating raw pecan pie. For this small addition of calories, it’s super satisfying as a little snack.

I don’t worry about empty calories in terms of low nutrition. I frame empty calories as too little satisfaction per calorie, which could include adding too much of an ingredient beyond a certain sweet spot of satisfaction.

By focusing on enjoying and appreciating my meals relative to their calories, I’m getting more appreciation per calorie today than I was when I started. I really enjoy the foods I eat. It feels like I’m doing the opposite of dieting, but I’m losing weight by eating this way.

This useful frame can be extended to other areas of life by generalizing the definition of appreciation density, like this:

Appreciation Density = Satisfaction / Cost

Cost could be your investment of time, energy, money, or some other factor.

So you could use this frame to select work projects, choose which friends to engage with, or decide how much time to spend on social media each day. Which investments satisfy you best? When does the satisfaction start to diminish?

Imagine what you could discover by combining this frame with time logging. Is 30 minutes of social media twice as satisfying as 15 minutes? How much journaling or meditation time is optimal for you? Would you feel more satisfied with an extra hour in the morning or the evening?

If you’re feel unsatisfied in some area of life, look at your appreciation density. Are you deriving enough satisfaction from your investments? If not, where’s the waste? Where are the empty calories? Where are you investing time, energy, money, or other resources and not getting much satisfaction in return? Obviously that waste needs to be cut if you want to increase your appreciation density.

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How to Extract 5-10x More Value From Your Personal Growth Investments

We’re used to thinking about “receiving value” as a passive endeavor most of the time. We expect items and services that we purchase to provide value to us. We pay the price up front, and then we feel entitled to just relax and enjoy the value we’ve purchased.

It’s easy to expect that if you spend the money, your purchase should cough up its full value to you. I paid for you. Now give me what I’m owed.

But only some parts of life work that way, like if you buy and enjoy a nice latte. Buying it is the hardest part of the transaction. Drinking it is easy.

But have you ever made a major purchase that you were a little hesitant about because you knew it would require extra work, like buying a new phone or computer? Or maybe you paid for a trip. Or you stretched yourself to go to a seminar. What happens in those cases? The value delivery isn’t totally passive.

There’s an active element in many purchases. You must do your part to fully extract the value you’re paying for. You have to learn and set up the tech you bought. If you go to a seminar, you have to pay attention, take notes, and do your best to apply what you’ve learned afterwards; the ideas don’t automatically implement themselves. Even if you buy a fun video game, you still have to become skilled enough to enjoy it; it takes some effort to extract the fun.

Recently my wife and I bought some new adjustable pillows. They came overstuffed (as expected), so we had to remove some of the stuffing to adjust them to our desired firmness. It took extra work just to receive the full value of a pillow.

Some personal growth value can be derived passively. You can read articles and books, listen to podcasts, and watch videos. You may learn some interesting ideas this way, including many useful reframes. You may make some easy tweaks here and there. You’ll gain some clever hacks as well. But there are much bigger gains to be made that require extra effort to extract and apply.

Passive value is great. It’s just limiting. It would be nice if we could transform all parts of our life through easy consumption, but that isn’t the case.

I must have consumed about a billion words of personal growth content by now in the form of books, articles, audio programs, videos, speeches, seminars, and more. I’ve also created a lot of it. But in terms of the value I’ve received from personal growth, I’d say that the passive value benefits are no more than 10-20% of the total. The other 80-90% is on the active value side, requiring non-trivial effort to extract it.

Joining Toastmasters is a good example. You may gain some knowledge by showing up for the meetings. Sit in your chair, listen, observe, and maybe jot down some notes about anything that strikes you as interesting. I’ve seen members approach Toastmasters in this way, and they generally progress very slowly. It’s hard to even notice that they’ve improved much after a year or two; it’s like their skills are mostly frozen in time.

The members who advance fastest embrace the extra work to extract the value. They write and deliver speeches. They enter speech contests. They volunteer for different meeting roles. And they generally progress a lot faster. For $60 in dues, these members extract thousands of dollars worth of value.

But of course it takes more work to do this.

I’d say this is just something to accept about personal growth. If we acknowledge in advance that we’ll have to do this extra work, we won’t resist it so much, and we’ll be paid back with a much bigger avalanche of value.

Which is better? Buy a fancy new phone and barely learn how to use it… or buy a fancy new phone, master it, and enjoy more value from it just about every day? I’d say the answer depends on your priorities. Which areas of life are really worth mastering?

In my own business, I’ve found that people who accept this basic fact about reality make for much better customers too. They’ll do the work of extracting the value, such as by fully completing every lesson of a course. Some go through each lesson multiple times. They’re happier too because they get good results this way. So it’s win-win to focus on such people. It’s a very sustainable business model. I love customers who will go all-in to extract the value and then tell me about their great results afterwards. What’s not to like about that?

I think this also explains why some content creators burn out when they mainly serve people who are looking for passive value. You’ve probably heard of YouTubers who’ve called it quits due to frustration or overwhelm. I think one reason is that it’s less satisfying to try to help people get results through passive value, like if they’re mostly just watching videos. Such people may only be receiving 10-20% of the value that active value seekers would be able to achieve, so they may not be as appreciative or supportive of the work because they aren’t getting as much out of it.

Contrast this with serving an audience who will work harder to extract the value, so they may receive 5-10x as much value from the same amount of material. They’ll be a lot more appreciative, supportive, and forgiving, and it will be more rewarding to serve them.

It’s so much easier to satisfy and delight people who are willing to invest some extra effort to receive the full value of your contribution. They don’t just consume content. They actively test and apply ideas. They explore and experiment with you. They engage with the work. And they often reflect ideas back with improvements.

I’m this type of person myself. I’ve learned the hard way that being too passive doesn’t pay off that well. I get better results from personal growth investments where I have to do extra work to extract the value. Consequently, I’ve been beyond satisfied with some of my personal growth investments over the years because I’m willing to do a lot more work beyond just making purchases, watching videos, and showing up to calls.

I’m the kind of person who will spend $10K on someone’s coaching program and get $100K in value from it – hence I LOVE $10K coaching programs because I get such terrific results. The passive value is worth perhaps $10-20K. The other $80-90K of value is from the extra work I do to squeeze more value out of it.

When buying a piece of software that I’ll use a lot, I’m the kind of person who will watch every tutorial video and spend many extra hours learning the interface and practicing with it, so I can extract more value from using it over the years. I grew up using software where reading the manual was often essential because the interfaces were much less intuitive, and there was no Google to look things up.

Here’s a simple tip for extracting 5-10x more value from your personal growth investments: Decide in advance that you won’t be outworked when it comes to extracting the value. Show up with a pick and shovel.

Don’t just go a few steps beyond passivity. Ask yourself what standard is expected of you for extracting some decent value from your investment. Then beat that standard – by a lot.

If you buy a book, for instance, we could say that the baseline standard is that you’ll at least read it. But what standard did you apply for the books where you got the most value? Did you discuss them with others, take notes, test ideas, read them multiple times, bookmark pages, etc?

You’re severely limiting your progress if you focus on passive value through osmosis. Don’t wait for value to seep in. Go squeeze the full value from your investments.

Be like an outstanding juicer. Don’t leave wet pulp behind.

Now it may not be realistic to always apply this standard, but when it really counts, it’s an awesome standard to use.

When I was in my 20s, I wouldn’t just buy an audio program and listen to it once. I’d listen to some of them 50+ times (for a 6-hour program), to the point where I had them virtually memorized. I can still hear the voices of Earl Nightingale, Brian Tracy, and Denis Waitley echoing in my head sometimes. Additionally, I kept testing the ideas from those programs in a variety of ways. I didn’t have a lot of money to spend on personal growth materials, so I did my best to squeeze all the juice out of what I could afford.

This approach paid off very well. I juiced one $60 time management course for all it was worth, applying the ideas to go through college faster, thereby saving a few thousand dollars just in tuition. (College was a lot less expensive in the 90s.)

The truth is that a lot of personal growth ideas work amazingly well, but it takes work to extract and apply the best ideas. Don’t lament this fact. Do your best to accept and then embrace it.

Despite the pandemic I’ve learned that many readers of my blog are having an amazingly good year. Some directly credit their active application of personal growth ideas as being instrumental in helping them stay positive, overcome setbacks, navigate career pivots, and spot aligned opportunities. It’s great to see them adapting and thriving by being so active during these months.

We’re surrounded by tremendous opportunities for growth, learning, and improvement in life and business right now, but those who show up with picks and shovels are extracting a lot more value than those who are mostly relying on their eyes and ears.

How have you been showing up this year?

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