You may think of maintaining your boundaries as something you need to do to protect yourself, but practicing good boundary management for yourself can actually serve the people around you very well too.

Your boundaries define what you’re willing to allow into your life. You decide the types of people you’ll associate with and to what extent. You decide what types of behaviors you’ll allow and what’s off limits for you.

One guy I know has a clear boundary around whining. He doesn’t tolerate people whining in his presence. He advertises this boundary openly, so the people around him know this. Yes, he maintains this boundary for his own needs, but also consider how it serves others. People in his life will whine less when they’re around him, so they’ll likely spend less time whining overall. The “no whining” rule helps to redirect their energy away from a pointless bad habit.

Many people consider smoking in their presence to be a boundary issue. The more people who establish and maintain this boundary, the less encouragement there is for the horrendously bad habit of smoking. Does being tolerant of smoking actually do smokers as much service as being intolerant of it? Tolerating such a bad habit only invites more of it.

A lot of people are unwilling to maintain in-person relationships with smokers, so smokers will see their social opportunities shrink. Many people will avoid hanging out with smokers, especially for health reasons. Even those who smoke outside and come back inside smelling like ashtrays will incur a negative social hit. Being near someone who smells toxic is repulsive to many people.

It’s hard to imagine a mature, functional adult who doesn’t practice good boundary management to ward off other people’s unwanted behaviors. But a lot of people also resist maintaining good boundaries for the sake of politeness. Consider, however, that excessive politeness may simply encourage the unwanted behavior. If you try to be overly polite instead of firm, you’ll invite and incur more boundary violations.

You don’t get what you want here. You get what you’re willing to tolerate.

When I was in a phase of my life where I did a lot of destructive and illegal stuff, I really didn’t lose friends over it. My friends may have lost some respect for me, but they still hung out with me, shared meals together, and invited me to their all-night poker games just the same. What they didn’t realize is that by being so accepting and tolerant of my illegal activities (like shoplifting and other crazy stunts), they were granting silent approval of my bad habits. They didn’t actually help me in the ways I most needed help.

It would have been better if my friends had maintained stronger ethical boundaries regarding my behavior and cut me off socially while I engaged in those behaviors. I think that would have gotten my attention and helped me straighten out sooner than I did. I respected my friends and the relationships I had with them, and I wouldn’t have wanted to threaten that. It would have been hard for me to deal with being ostracized, but if I had to choose between doing crazy illegal stuff and maintaining my existing friendships, I think I would have chosen to preserve the friendships. I think that type of social pressure would have been healthy for me. Sure it would have been nice if I didn’t need it, but what was the alternative? I had to be straightened out by multiple court appearances instead.

Even if my other option was to continue doing illegal stuff and to lie about it, that would have damaged my friendships too. I’d have to sink even more to continue the bad habits. And I’d know that if my friends discovered the truth, I’d be in for more social problems. I think that threat to my social life would have also had a beneficial effect. Of course this depends on how much leverage there is in those relationships.

Some friends did try to talk some sense into me, but they were so gentle and polite about it, and there were no real social consequences for noncompliance on my part, so it really had no effect. I just replied with sarcasm or joked around with them in response.

While I agree that it’s nice to allow people social freedoms, I think this approach has its limits and ought to be balanced with some firm encouragement to develop better self-control. At some point when a person is engaging in destructive behavior, it may be wise to escalate to a stronger social consequence.

This is how many human tribes resolved differences before we developed more complex state-based societies. Negative behaviors were often socially punished. And dispute resolution was based on preserving and restoring healthy community relationships, not primarily on achieving justice.

In yesterday’s post about Trump supporters, I did my best to make it clear that people who support this loser will incur a social consequence from me. I’m just one person doing this, but if more people joined in, perhaps we could really shift something here and help people abandon this foolish and destructive behavior pattern.

While some people feel it’s best to keep communication channels open and try to be polite, I think that’s too weak of a position, especially with respect to the disease of Trumpism. and it will just enable and encourage more idiotic behavior. “Let’s be polite and civil about this” is the same attitude that enables racism to continue. At some point when a problem has festered long enough, it’s time to establish some firmer consequences. When the consequences become strong enough, it really does change people’s behaviors.

Don’t you feel that certain negative behaviors are much riskier today than they were 10-20 years ago? Why? Because the social consequences of some of those behaviors are even higher today than they used to be.

To raise our collective social standards, we must be firmer with boundary management as individuals.

Consider that being firm and resolute in your boundary management may be a lot more beneficial for others than being so polite and gentle. When you’re leaning towards gentleness, consider why you’re doing that. Is it really the best course of action for the other person in the long run? Or are you really just trying to avoid a conflict that you’d rather not deal with?

Politeness and gentleness are good values when your boundaries aren’t being violated. If you want to preserve the status quo, go ahead and favor politeness in your interactions. I for one think the status quo in the USA right now is pretty fucking far from okay, as do many people I know. I like that we’ve opened a gateway where honesty and firmness are becoming more important than politeness and gentleness. Yes, there’s a lot of anger coming out too – the result of too much phony politeness for too long. I find the emotional honesty coming out of people these days to be refreshing.

I just want to take a moment to express appreciation to you (and all of my readers) for your intelligence and rationality – and your open-heartedness as well – during these incredible shifts that we’re all living through. This has surely been a year of change – and can you believe we’re not even halfway through it yet?

The feedback I’ve been getting in recent weeks really drives home how lucky I am to connect with you.

I’ve seen so much polarization and cynicism elsewhere online these days, and it’s refreshing to get to connect each day with people who are optimistic, rational, and deeply committed to personal growth. It’s especially inspiring and motivating to connect with people who care about being of service and who want to make a positive difference in the world.

One thing I’ve found helpful – as have many friends – is to practice especially strong boundary management this year. I know that many of my readers have had to do the same. This really does help. I know some people confuse weak boundaries with tolerance, but that form of tolerance is actually a form of resistance.

I’ve seen people descending into irrationality, cynicism, overt racism and sexism, Trumpism, nationalism, and other “isms” that clearly violate the principles by which I’ve chosen to live. I recognize that they have the freedom to pursue those depths if they want to, in which case I’ll exercise the freedom to de-simulate them from my reality. I decline what they offer, often using small words so they’re sure to understand. I still feel compassion for them, as long as they stay well out of disgust range and don’t try to projectile-vomit their insanities into my personal sphere.

This contrast actually makes me feel even more grateful for the people who haven’t gone batshit insane – for those who still have a good head on their shoulders and a good heart in their chests. Lately I’ve been feeling more of my energy shifting inwards towards these delightful and intelligent people. It’s helped me see that my work really isn’t meant for everyone – it’s really just meant for those who resonate with it.

Where are you putting your energy these days? What effects do different investments of energy have on yourself and others? Are you investing where the appreciation is flowing well? Even during trying times, can you still feel grateful for the people you get to connect with each day? If not, you can change that, and a good place to start is by making sure you’re practicing intelligent boundary management.

So we’re going through some upheaval now.

I’ve seen lots of polarized opinions about what’s been happening with respect to the protests and riots, but most of what I’ve seen doesn’t resonate with me. I find it difficult to subscribe to other people’s meanings in this area.

However, I found what Trevor Noah shared about this to be insightful. Normally he shares in a comedic style, but this video includes some deep and reflective commentary.

I especially liked what he shared about social contracts.

A social contract includes many aspects, such as rules and laws, behavioral standards, expectations, values, and consequences.

I violated the social contract with the State of California quite a lot when I was younger, which led to being arrested multiple times. For a while I was okay with those consequences… until eventually I wasn’t.

I also violated the social contract with the religion that I grew up with, which led to abandoning that religion. It was a bad contract to begin with, so I was glad to terminate it.

Other times I violated aspects of social contracts more consciously, including those that expected me to get a job and to be monogamous. No regrets there.

But there is one social contract that I hold sacred, which is the contract I have with reality itself. A key aspect of this contract is that I always give reality the benefit of the doubt and don’t turn against it. Whatever reality dishes out, I do my best to accept it and roll with it.

This is a difficult one to uphold, but I find it essential for having a sane and functional life. It challenges me to keep seeking the personal meaning within any situation. It makes me ask repeatedly: How is what’s arising an invitation to grow?

I can’t answer that for other people. I can’t tell others what to think and feel and what the “correct” way to interpret current events are. The interpretation is personal. It’s your job to figure that out for yourself. If you look to others to answer this for you, you’ll be disappointed. Only your own answers can satisfy you.

I can share how I interpret the events in ways that enable me to honor my social contract with reality. Just don’t expect my meaning to be meaningful for you.

I see anger, violence, and upheaval, sparked in part by a violation of people’s values and expectations. I see the President hiding in his bunker and Tweeting his usual idiocy instead of leadership. I see Mark Zuckerberg’s own team members turning against him for his weak response. I don’t see the pathways emerging to create real solutions from the current situation, just escalating cycles of what we’ve already been through.

This makes me wonder what those pathways might be. I sense the pathways to growth and improvement will be in the direction of caring, empathy, and compassion. There is some of that in the current picture, but it seems more in the background and not in the foreground. So the personal meaning I see here is that caring needs to be moved into the foreground. The voice of caring is asking for fuller expression.

Caring is a big part of my work, but work itself can sometimes push the caring aspect out of the foreground of my life. So I’ve opted to give this voice of caring more space in my life this month.

Starting today, I’m doing a 30-day challenge to stop working by 4pm each weekday (other than 2 days when I have conflicting commitments that I’ll honor) and then devote 2 hours to exploring something that calls to my heart and feelings – something not directly work-related and with no expectation of being turned into a work product. Just let the heart lead, and follow it where it wants to go. Tune into what I care about, and engage with those parts of life more fully.

This time may include meditating to listen deeply to my emotions, practicing music, having meaningful conversations, acts of kindness, or anything else that feels like an exploration of what I care about. It’s not a head-based exploration, so I won’t map it out in advance. I’ll simply carve out the time and ask my heart what it wants to explore and experience each day for a couple of hours, and I’ll flow into action with whatever comes up.

I sense that if I want to express more caring outwardly, I need to get more in touch with it inwardly. So I want to build up my caring muscles and give them some extra exercise this month. Bring this part of life to the foreground, so it has more of a voice.

This feels aligned to me right now. While it may not look as edgy as yelling at people on social media or setting stuff on fire, it does feel edgy to me, and it feels like a good way to honor my social contract with reality. I know from experience that exploring the voice of caring isn’t a safe and predictable path. It’s a harder voice to listen to than many people realize.

One of my readers recently asked: How do you stay connected to loved ones who aren’t on a journey of curiosity and growth?

I’ll frame this more generally by addressing these question too:

• How do you maintain relationships with incompatible people who expect you to stay connected?
• How do you manage shifting relationships while on a journey of growth?
• How do you deal with feelings of guilt arising from letting go of incompatible people?

To answer the first question, my answer is pretty simple. I really don’t.

If they reach out to me, I’ll be civil with them, but I don’t see the point of investing in such relationships. I’ve tried to invest in such relationships in the past and concluded that this wasn’t going to work. The compatible isn’t there. The mutual support isn’t there. The flow of energy isn’t there. So why continue to invest?

Sometimes people don’t like what I’m into. Or they see my pursuits as threatening. Or they try to talk me out of new explorations. If it becomes clear that I don’t have their support for being who I am and living the life I want to live, it’s equally clear that I shouldn’t continue to invest in such connections.

That was disappointing at first. My initial response was to play it cool and be aloof, even though I still valued such relationships on some level. But that wasn’t sustainable. It leads to clinginess and neediness and a host of other problems as well. It’s harder to feel good emotionally and stay motivated and disciplined when you lower your social standards.

In the long run, I concluded that it was perfectly fine for me to want and need strong, compatible connections with other people. I just had to find the right people. I had to let go, let go, let go, of connections that were unfulfilling and dissatisfying.

There really are a lot of intelligent, heart-aligned, growth-oriented people in the world. But you may not see this abundance if you get clingy with mismatches.

The more I leaned away from misaligned connections and surrendered to the fact that they would never become what I really wanted them to be, the more I allowed myself to mourn the disappointment. I accepted the feeling of loss. I let hope die in those cases – because it was false hope.

I leaned into trusting my feelings and intuition, which told me that compatibility really matters.

In my 20s I had some limited experiences being around growth-oriented people, and it was refreshing. I felt like my spirit was being fed by a nurturing energy source that it sorely needed. Those were peak experiences, but I so wanted them to become everyday, normal experiences. At the time I didn’t even see how that was possible though.

Fast forward to today, and I connect with growth-oriented people every day as a normal part of life. I’m married to such a person too. But because I didn’t start with this, I can still relate to what it’s like to think of this as too good to be true.

Where are all the non-growth connections now? They’re pretty much dead because I haven’t invested in them for so long. I don’t feel any energy flowing through them. There are relatives that I haven’t seen, talked to, or emailed in many years, even decades, for instance. I let those connections fade.

I realize that in some cultures this would be seen as crazy, cruel, or anti-social, or a betrayal of family values. But I’m actually very pro-social. I like people. I just want to invest in relationships where the compatibility is high, the mutual support is strong, and the flow of energy feels intuitively right. The results are better for all involved.

Compassionate Rejection

When I think about incompatible relationships that I let go of over the years, I don’t feel much resentment or disappointment. I tend to feel more gratitude towards them than anything else. I see those relationships as valuable learning experiences. They helped me better understand what matters to me in life. They helped me clarify my values. They helped me define my social boundaries. So I find it difficult to feel much negativity towards them. I mostly feel appreciation when I think about them, if I feel anything at all.

I think that’s because I really like my life today. I like the people in my life. They’re interesting, creative, weird, fun, and deep.

I think many of us are a little too resistant to rejection. Sometimes rejections are done more harshly than necessary, but the general practice remains important. To reject means to dismiss or refuse. It means to say no. Some rejection is necessary to sculpt our characters. We must say no to the misaligned, so we can invite and embrace what does feel aligned. Otherwise we become blurry, ill-defined blobs instead of self-realized human beings.

I sometimes think of my social life as a journey. This involves movement and travel. I see relationships as fluid and flexible. They come and go. Some people move further away while others move closer. Some relationships will be short-lived. Others will endure longer.

In the long run, everyone grows. Some grow more consciously and deliberately, while others grow reactively in response to changing events and circumstances. The coronavirus situation is a growth experience for all of us. Some have woven this change into their journeys consciously. Others are mostly reacting to what arises. But we will all grow from this one way or another.

I have friends that are not super growth-oriented, definitely more reactive than proactive, and we get along okay most of the time. But I don’t usually invest much in such relationships. I prefer connecting with people who are on conscious journeys. It’s fine if they’re not clear about where they’re heading, as long as they embrace the overall idea of investing in learning and growth.

But the stubborn stick-in-the-mud types who have fixed mindsets? Where are they in my life today? Most days they just aren’t part of my reality. I have to stretch to even identify them. I don’t see them in person. I don’t see them on Zoom calls. I don’t see them in my email inbox. At best I might overhear a conversation out in public that strikes me as very limiting or ignorant, but then it fades away as I move past it.

I think I don’t attract such people into my life because I don’t invest energy in thinking about them most of the time. And if I do think about them, I mostly feel that gentle flow of appreciation, but it’s really just a trickle of energy. I don’t have spikey feelings in this area most of the time.

Social Norms

I also feel that investing in incompatible relationships is irrational. I don’t see the logic in pouring my energy into a connection that isn’t working, even if the other person wants to and even if social norms tell me I’m supposed to. My life has gotten better by rejecting social norms that didn’t work for me, so I tend not to give them much weight. The social norms I grew up with were full of irrational baggage that I discarded, like going to church every Sunday. Some social norms can have positive effects, such as by making communication easier and fostering good teamwork, but you always have to be cautious of them when it comes to expectations that push against rationality.

Being loyal to social mismatches is just more baggage to release. It doesn’t matter if they’re relatives or long-term friends. A mismatch is a mismatch.

I don’t think I could have a good life by elevating loyalty to social norms above my own mind, heart, and intuition. I trust my own thinking, my own feelings, and my own path with a heart way more than what society tells me or what relatives expect of me. My relatives can live their lives how they see fit, but I won’t invest in relationships that don’t feel aligned to me.

Guilt

When people conclude that I’m incompatible with them and want to move away from me, I let them go. I prefer not to chase after them and get whiny about it. I trust them to make their own decisions, and if they aren’t feeling the connection, who am I to question them about that?

Since I hold myself to this standard, I don’t feel guilty if someone else reacts negatively to my moving on. They can process those feelings how they see fit. I may feel some compassion for how their frames may be making a transition difficult for them, but I’m not going to wallow in their self-pity if they go that route. Otherwise I’d open myself up to emotional manipulation.

Other people don’t get to use their feelings to manipulate me. I will let them wallow in the pit of despair for as long as they want, but I won’t join them there.

I frame this as an issue of maintaining rational social investment standards, maintaining rational boundaries, and trusting my mind, heart, and intuition. I don’t give power to social norms. I don’t give power to other people’s reactions. And I don’t succumb to guilt because I’m doing what I feel is best.

I could feel guilty if I felt I violated my standards, especially in a way that caused someone harm. I can’t feel guilty for violating someone else’s standards – especially standards that I disagree with.

So if someone else holds that standard that I must behave in a way that feels misaligned to me in order for them to feel okay, that’s on them. They can expect that I will violate their standards to follow my path with a heart.

This happens, even with people I don’t know well. When I got into exploring open relationships, about 11 years ago, some of my blog readers felt betrayed. Some felt betrayed when Erin and I broke up. This year some felt betrayed when I shared my feelings about Trump. Some even felt betrayed when I stopped having Google Adsense ads on my site in 2008, calling me crazy for abandoning the business model they sought to emulate.

Do you think I felt guilty about any of this? Of course not. That’s because I was exploring and expressing what feels aligned to me. I could feel guilty if I violate my own standards, especially if I cause harm to someone else by doing so. But I can’t feel guilty if I honor my standards, even if someone else feels that I violated their expectations.

Betrayal

Now watch this: After trying out Instagram for a while, I’ve mostly stopped using it because I find it boring, stupid, and pointless. It’s just a dreadful match for me. Let’s see which avid IGers feel betrayed now…

For those who love Instagram, I’m happy for them. They should be free to post all the cat pics and yoga poses they want, with a proper handstand pic being the ultimate lifetime achievement. I love writing though, and IG is pure shit for that. It’s not a good platform for me at all. Does anyone really need to feel betrayed by my making a choice that’s right for me? Of course not, but some will anyway.

People are going to feel betrayed repeatedly if you live consciously and make your own choices. They’ll expect things of you that are unreasonable and irrational. They’ll have emotional reactions based on your decisions. I suggest that you let them. It’s not a problem per se unless you make it a problem. Just accept it as a normal part of life.

Do NOT under any circumstances let someone dig their emotional hooks into you and manipulate you emotionally. That will hold you back tremendously. In fact, this is one of the most problematic issues that many of my readers struggle with. They fall into the trap of turning against their own inner guidance and let someone else control them through emotional manipulation. Beware this trap – it’s nasty. It can suck years of your life away if you’re not careful.

Let people process their reactive feelings, even if they make a big, wild stink about how difficult it will be for them. Don’t frame their reactive feelings as your doing some kind of harm to them. Their own irrational frames and expectations are causing these reactions. Give them the gift of allowing them to process their reactions. With luck it will lead to their upgrading their frames and accepting your freedom to make aligned choices for you.

Self-Harm Threats

What if someone really goes over the top with their emotional manipulation, such as by threatening to hurt or kill themselves because you don’t play by their rules? If someone did that to me, I’d probably get really pissed at them. I might cuss them out for even suggesting that. I wouldn’t change my course though. If they hurt or kill themselves, that’s on them. I still don’t see myself feeling guilty about it, although I’d probably be very disappointed in their irrational behavior if they went that far. But in the end, I would let them go.

This has actually happen to me personally, and it has happened to people I know. Someone I knew once threatened to kill himself because I took a course of action he strongly disagreed with and which negatively affected him. He owned a gun, so I took it seriously. This was years before I started blogging by the way. I didn’t back down though. I felt disgusted by the very notion that someone would do that, but I saw it as his choice. I knew I was making the right decision, and that is how it turned out in the end. He recovered, and I think it was better for him all around too. The relationship wasn’t working for either of us, and we had to move on from it. The fact that he threatened suicide actually just made me more certain that moving on was the right choice.

If this sort of thing were to happen again today, I’d frame it as a test from reality. I’d frame it as a character sculpting challenge too. I’d take the threat seriously, even if I didn’t believe that the person would go through with it. But I would still refuse to be emotionally manipulated, even if it meant someone else reactively taking their own life.

My ex-wife Erin had to endure an even more serious test when her abusive boyfriend not only threatened to kill her but also her whole family if she ever left him. And she still ended up leaving. Many years later that guy shot himself dead with a shotgun in a standoff with police, who were actually just coming to his house to do a suicide check because he made an offhand comment about potentially harming himself to a coworker, who called it in.

You can frame such situations however you see fit, and depending on the severity of the threat, I wouldn’t fault you for backing down if the stakes seem too big to handle. But most situations that my readers deal with are a lot milder, and they blow them up into big hurdles. So if you’re dealing with less than a mass murder threat, perhaps take a hard look at how you’re handling this situation. Are you behaving rationally? Are you really listening to yourself? What will it do to your character to let someone else emotionally manipulate you for years and years?

Guilt also heals. Even if you do feel guilty, you’ll probably get past it eventually. How long do you think the guilt will really last? How long will the emotional manipulation last if you don’t move on?

If you betray someone’s expectations of you, you can let them have their reaction and not feel guilty about it. This may take some practice and some rational framing upgrades, but you can do it.

But don’t betray your own inner guidance. Don’t betray your own rational intelligence. Don’t betray your path with a heart. If you aren’t feeling guilty about self-betrayal, maybe you should listen to your feelings more closely.