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I did some reflection in my journal about why I like my life so much. Here’s what I came up with:
I like that my life isn’t overloaded with so much activity. Sometimes I get really busy, but over the course of a year and during most months of the year, I have plenty of time to think, reflect, and ponder.
This month a number of friends told me how much I seem to be a person of deep thought. I do love to think deeply about many different topics, and I’m genuinely curious about so many aspects of life. For someone like me to be happy, I absolutely need abundant space to engage in deep thought.
I can’t really help doing this. Most of the time I’m not even aware of it. It just seems normal to me to keep asking questions about the nature of this reality. I’m always trying to connect more dots and deepen my understanding of how life works.
I feel less happy when I fill my schedule with too much activity and don’t have as much time to think.
I especially love morning runs because they carve out an hour of thinking time each day. One reason I like going for longer runs is that I gain more time to think and ponder.
I find thinking to be a gloriously rewarding activity. It’s been super important for me to create a lifestyle rich in time to think. It definitely makes me happy to have this kind of lifestyle.
The world of money sometimes interests and excites me, but much of the time I find it rather mundane and boring for my tastes. So I usually prefer to keep this aspect of life in the background instead of the foreground.
I still consider money when making business and life decisions, but I prefer not to base decisions mainly on financial concerns. I’d rather make decisions based on other forms of value, such as appreciation, exploration, or growth.
For me to be happiest, I’ve found it best to see income generation as a problem to be thoroughly solved, so financial concerns don’t get in my way too much.
I like having years’ worth of savings, so even if all of my income switched off suddenly, I could coast for a long time – plenty of time to create new income streams, even if I had to start over in a whole new field from scratch. And even if the savings evaporated, I’ve invested enough in a variety of income skills that I feel that I could replenish it as needed.
“Get the money problem solved once and for all” was something I worked on for many years. I like having this area of life solved well enough that I can give more attention to other aspects of life.
I love to explore. I get bored easily, so wandering through different learning experiences is a big part of my life. This also gives me plenty of source material for connection more dots.
Centering my life around exploration and discovery was a terrific choice that has made me way happier than investing in a traditional corporate career.
Friendships are a big source of value for me. I especially like connecting with people who are a bit unusual. I’m often sponging mindsets and ideas from other people, testing them for myself to see how well they work.
I’m good at making new friends quickly. I tend to just assume friendship with new people instead of feeling like we have to go through a long building phase together. I think life is too short to do otherwise.
Having dozens of growth-oriented friends (and hundreds if not thousands of looser connections) makes me a lot happier than when I used to have no growth-oriented friends. I especially like that lots of interesting invitations and ideas flow to me through my friendship network. I appreciate the ongoing stimulation this provides, even though sometimes it feels like the flow is a bit too high, and I have to withdraw a little.
Last but definitely not least, my marriage to Rachelle is a key source of happiness. I appreciate her every day. Being in love for 10+ years is absolutely wonderful.
Every day I get to share the words “I love you” multiple times with someone. What’s not to like about that?
We spent a LOT of time together. It’s rare for us go more than a few hours without interacting, verbally and through touch and affection. Somehow we naturally make each other happier. When people see us together, they can tell we just belong with each other.
Even when we aren’t doing any particular activity, we enjoy each other’s beingness. Spending time together doing just about anything is very satisfying for us. This makes us optimistic for the future too. It’s a special feeling looking forward to spending so many more days together.
These are just some aspects that create happiness in my life that came through while journaling. There are others of course – a healthy lifestyle surely helps – but these have been more top-of-mind for me lately.
What makes you happiest? If you have a happy life, be sure to pause and appreciate what’s going well. And if you’re still working on getting there, see if you can identify what specific changes need to happen to increase your long-term happiness. Then do what it takes to truly solve those problems one by one. Even if it takes years or decades, the time is going to pass anyway. You may as well give the gift of happiness to your future self by investing where it counts.
While pondering an update to my mission statement, I was thinking about how to frame relationships, and this line popped into my mind:
My relationships are based on play.
My relationship with Rachelle fits this like a glove, and I think it’s why we’ve had 10+ happy years together. Same goes for my best friendships.
This applies to more than human relationships, like my relationships with work, creative projects, personal growth experiments, writing, speaking, courses, coaching, hobbies, etc. There’s a core of play when the flow is strong and healthy.
When a relationship loses its core of play, it seems to be on its way out and won’t endure, or it devolves into something not worth preserving.
What happens if you reflect upon past relationships with the lens of play? Any insights generated from that?
If you’re considering a transition in some area of life, could it be that the old path lost its core of play (or never had it to begin with)?
Consider the lens that a healthy relationship is really about play. I’m not saying that this is absolutely true. Just look at your past relationships through this lens, and see if it sparks any interesting realizations or reassessments. When you reflect upon the story arc of the relationship with respect to its changing level of playfulness over time, what do you see?
Also consider that you have a relationship with your work. When that relationship loses its core of play, does it ever work?
Consider the ripples that play generates – connection, caring, bonding, happiness, enjoyment, appreciation, respect, cooperation, etc. Those can be valuable in any relationship context – both in work and your personal life.
Injuries can still occur, but in a context of play (like a game), they’re quickly forgiven. When people lose sight of the play aspect, then an injury may be taken more seriously though.
What can be objectively accomplished with a frame of seriousness that can’t also be accomplished at least as well with a frame of play?
One way to think of play is that it maintains the intensity of seriousness but ditches the attachment. It lightens the experience of full engagement, allowing you to focus on the present moment activity without worrying so much about the outcome. The lens of play removes the clinginess without being forced to descend into goofiness.
I’ve always appreciated playful relationships more than others. That’s been true of romantic and sexual relationships, connections with colleagues, coaching or mentoring relationships, friendships, and even random acquaintances. Playfulness elevates the mundane, making it more stimulating but not stressful.
Play can be a tough value to respect unless you test it enough and see what it does for you. When you observe that investing in play generates strong results with good consistency, it’s easier to trust it. Also observe the results you get when you lose the connection to the core of play. Which results do you prefer?
Here’s a really simple idea that can be useful for self-motivation.
Sometimes our frames are too flabby, giving us lots of leeway to drop the ball and slack off. In such cases it may be useful to adopt harsher frames, at least temporarily, to demand more from ourselves.
Here are some of these ass-kicking frames to consider:
I think such frames are best when linked closely to actions and behaviors, not to more complex results like income. They can be helpful when facing quick do or don’t decisions, like: Get up now, or sleep in late.
Imagine your alarm going off in the morning, and you’re tempted to sleep in. Then an inner voice kicks in and exclaims: Sleeping in is for losers! Get your ass up now!
Or suppose you catch yourself worrying about something you can’t control, and you remind yourself: Worrying is a stupid waste of energy!
While I’m not suggesting that you beat yourself up here, I do think there’s room for using such frames judiciously without risking damage to your self esteem.
Challenging yourself in this way can actually be fun and motivating. I know it’s not for everyone, but for some people it helps. It’s a tool – use it if you like it. Try it if you think it has promise.
You can even connect this practice with memorable movie lines if you like, such as these:
Even if the words of a line don’t quite fit your situation, that isn’t important. The emotion of the frame is what matters. “Get your ass to Mars!” may not fit your context, but if you remember the movie, you may remember the urgency of the line, right before bullets start flying. The emotion of this frame may be more effective than a more rational frame but emotionally flabby frame that makes it easy to slack off or quit on yourself.
There are so many good framing lines just in the movie The Princess Bride:
If you remember how the characters said these lines, you can summon some fun and engaging emotions that help you get into action. I especially love the “I can cope with torture” framing for facing unpleasant tasks. And I recently use the “Death first” line as a response when someone asked what it would take for me to eat something non-vegan. I wish I could use the “I am not left-handed” line from that movie too, but I actually am left-handed.
Are you kicking your own ass enough? If not, then stop using emotionally flabby frames, and get your ass to Mars!
In the past 11 weeks, I’ve lost an average of 1.15 pounds per week, mainly just by logging what I eat. This simple practice has helped me tweak and adjust my meal choices even though I’m still eating the same foods as I was previously. I’m eating less food in terms of calories, but my current diet is actually more satisfying than before. Since there’s no sense of restriction or deprivation, it’s frictionless to maintain this approach.
Let’s say that the appreciation density of a meal is your overall physical and emotional satisfaction with it, divided by its calories:
Appreciation Density = Satisfaction / Calories
I don’t exactly know how to calculate physical and emotional satisfaction though. Maybe we could rate the satisfaction of meals on a 1-10 scale, but fortunately that isn’t necessary. We can just compare based on equivalent calories by asking whether one meal is more or less satisfying than another. We can also do this at the level of individual ingredients.
Through food logging and a little reflection, I saw that some meals (and some ingredients) are more satisfying than others for the same number of calories.
I’ve learned that roasted eggplant is really satisfying relative to its calories. Peaches and strawberries are super satisfying as well. Steamed broccoli and zucchini with some hummus is a delightful meal – very satisfying for so few calories.
Some foods have diminishing returns if I include too much of them. For instance, 10g of olive oil on a salad may be pretty satisfying relative to the 90 calories it adds. But would 20g of olive oil be twice as satisfying? No, definitely not. Doubling the olive oil might only increase the satisfaction by an extra 20%, so it’s probably not worth it.
Adding 1/3 of an avocado to a salad can be really nice. But if I use a whole avocado, is it 3x as satisfying? Nope. I find that the sweet spot is to use about 1/4 to 1/2 of an avocado on a salad to get the maximum satisfaction relative to the calories.
Through lots of experimentation, I’m gradually figuring out better balancing points where I eat quantities of foods that raise the satisfaction level of a meal but where consuming more would lead to diminishing returns. So when I compose meals, I require each ingredient to pull its weight by meaningfully contributing to the overall satisfaction.
Note that satisfaction is mainly an emotional assessment. It’s based on how I feel during and after eating. How satisfied I’ll feel isn’t perfectly consistent. One day I may find 100g of some item optimal while I might prefer more or less of that item on a different day. By paying attention to my logs and connecting them to my inner sensations, I’m getting better at predicting what kinds of meals to make based on how I feel.
I don’t try to hold back from eating. I eat when I’m hungry. I just put a little more thought and care into making meals very satisfying relative to their calories.
Suppose you eat a 500-calorie lunch today. Have you ever considered how you might compose a 400-calorie lunch that’s actually more satisfying? If you could figure that out, you could shave off 100 calories per day while actually enjoying your lunch more. Now scale this up for every meal and snack, and come up with more solutions and variations. You could enjoy your food more while actually eating less.
I already eat an all vegan, mostly whole foods diet that typically includes 10+ servings of fruits and veggies per day, so take that into consideration. Making this diet highly nutritious isn’t an issue. But I don’t think I’d feel as emotionally satisfied if I tried to adapt this approach to a junk food diet. Whole foods leave me feeling better emotionally and physically.
I’ve been including some small indulgences, but I use them where they really add to the satisfaction. For instance, if I slice up two peaches (100 calories), and I add 50 calories worth of coconut whipped cream, that treat has a high appreciation density for its 150 calories, more than eating three peaches without the topping.
Another nice dessert is one date plus four pecan halves (80 cal). Split the date in two, and push two pecan pieces into each half – it’s like eating raw pecan pie. For this small addition of calories, it’s super satisfying as a little snack.
I don’t worry about empty calories in terms of low nutrition. I frame empty calories as too little satisfaction per calorie, which could include adding too much of an ingredient beyond a certain sweet spot of satisfaction.
By focusing on enjoying and appreciating my meals relative to their calories, I’m getting more appreciation per calorie today than I was when I started. I really enjoy the foods I eat. It feels like I’m doing the opposite of dieting, but I’m losing weight by eating this way.
This useful frame can be extended to other areas of life by generalizing the definition of appreciation density, like this:
Appreciation Density = Satisfaction / Cost
Cost could be your investment of time, energy, money, or some other factor.
So you could use this frame to select work projects, choose which friends to engage with, or decide how much time to spend on social media each day. Which investments satisfy you best? When does the satisfaction start to diminish?
Imagine what you could discover by combining this frame with time logging. Is 30 minutes of social media twice as satisfying as 15 minutes? How much journaling or meditation time is optimal for you? Would you feel more satisfied with an extra hour in the morning or the evening?
If you’re feel unsatisfied in some area of life, look at your appreciation density. Are you deriving enough satisfaction from your investments? If not, where’s the waste? Where are the empty calories? Where are you investing time, energy, money, or other resources and not getting much satisfaction in return? Obviously that waste needs to be cut if you want to increase your appreciation density.
Now and then I like to ask myself: Where’s the FIRE?
Other variations on this question include:
When I feel that life has become a little slow or predictable, and I’m ready for a fresh phase of action with more variety, I like to ask one or more of these questions to invite some different energies to start flowing through.
These questions help me get my mind aligned. If my mind resists these questions, I know it’s not ready yet, so then I’ll ask different questions regarding what it wants to experience instead. It may want more downtime, more rest and recovery, or more clearing and processing of existing projects. I’ve learned to tell the difference between token resistance that’s easy to override versus a deeper and more rational form of resistance that raises genuine objections to address.
I can also feel the readiness in my body if I just consider kicking off several weeks of high-stimulation flow. Does my body generate some internal excitement when I focus on that idea? Or does my body feel like it wants to slink away and cocoon itself a bit longer?
I love stimulating projects and experiences, but a fiery approach to life day after day isn’t sustainable for me. I can maintain that kind of flow for a few months sometimes, but then I feel a deep need to switch gears, slow down, and slip into a different mode of living, usually for several weeks but sometimes for several months.
Alternatively, I can flow from one form of stimulation to a different form and have it feel more sustainable, like having a flow of social and travel experiences between creative projects. But if I stick with the same energy signatures for too long, my body and mind tend to reject it eventually, leading to this “I need to get the hell out of here” feeling.
Intentionally I also like to shift gears by voicing these intentions to reality:
Let’s speed up! I’m ready to go faster.
Okay, let’s slow down for a while. I could use a break from this pacing.
This works very well. And it’s way better than trying to push ahead faster when it would feel more aligned to slow down… or maintain a modest pacing when I’d love more growth and stimulation.
Changing the pacing is just one way to modulate the energy flow, but it can be very effective. You can also change the level of social engagement, the level of variety (travel is great for that), the depth of intellectual challenge, the financial risk (or potential gain), the forms of self-expression you utilize, and many other factors.
“Where’s the fire?” and its many siblings are great questions to ask when your current energy signatures are feeling too yawn-worthy and mundane, and you’d like to invite new energy signatures that feel more lively, stimulating, and sparky.
You may think of maintaining your boundaries as something you need to do to protect yourself, but practicing good boundary management for yourself can actually serve the people around you very well too.
Your boundaries define what you’re willing to allow into your life. You decide the types of people you’ll associate with and to what extent. You decide what types of behaviors you’ll allow and what’s off limits for you.
One guy I know has a clear boundary around whining. He doesn’t tolerate people whining in his presence. He advertises this boundary openly, so the people around him know this. Yes, he maintains this boundary for his own needs, but also consider how it serves others. People in his life will whine less when they’re around him, so they’ll likely spend less time whining overall. The “no whining” rule helps to redirect their energy away from a pointless bad habit.
Many people consider smoking in their presence to be a boundary issue. The more people who establish and maintain this boundary, the less encouragement there is for the horrendously bad habit of smoking. Does being tolerant of smoking actually do smokers as much service as being intolerant of it? Tolerating such a bad habit only invites more of it.
A lot of people are unwilling to maintain in-person relationships with smokers, so smokers will see their social opportunities shrink. Many people will avoid hanging out with smokers, especially for health reasons. Even those who smoke outside and come back inside smelling like ashtrays will incur a negative social hit. Being near someone who smells toxic is repulsive to many people.
It’s hard to imagine a mature, functional adult who doesn’t practice good boundary management to ward off other people’s unwanted behaviors. But a lot of people also resist maintaining good boundaries for the sake of politeness. Consider, however, that excessive politeness may simply encourage the unwanted behavior. If you try to be overly polite instead of firm, you’ll invite and incur more boundary violations.
You don’t get what you want here. You get what you’re willing to tolerate.
When I was in a phase of my life where I did a lot of destructive and illegal stuff, I really didn’t lose friends over it. My friends may have lost some respect for me, but they still hung out with me, shared meals together, and invited me to their all-night poker games just the same. What they didn’t realize is that by being so accepting and tolerant of my illegal activities (like shoplifting and other crazy stunts), they were granting silent approval of my bad habits. They didn’t actually help me in the ways I most needed help.
It would have been better if my friends had maintained stronger ethical boundaries regarding my behavior and cut me off socially while I engaged in those behaviors. I think that would have gotten my attention and helped me straighten out sooner than I did. I respected my friends and the relationships I had with them, and I wouldn’t have wanted to threaten that. It would have been hard for me to deal with being ostracized, but if I had to choose between doing crazy illegal stuff and maintaining my existing friendships, I think I would have chosen to preserve the friendships. I think that type of social pressure would have been healthy for me. Sure it would have been nice if I didn’t need it, but what was the alternative? I had to be straightened out by multiple court appearances instead.
Even if my other option was to continue doing illegal stuff and to lie about it, that would have damaged my friendships too. I’d have to sink even more to continue the bad habits. And I’d know that if my friends discovered the truth, I’d be in for more social problems. I think that threat to my social life would have also had a beneficial effect. Of course this depends on how much leverage there is in those relationships.
Some friends did try to talk some sense into me, but they were so gentle and polite about it, and there were no real social consequences for noncompliance on my part, so it really had no effect. I just replied with sarcasm or joked around with them in response.
While I agree that it’s nice to allow people social freedoms, I think this approach has its limits and ought to be balanced with some firm encouragement to develop better self-control. At some point when a person is engaging in destructive behavior, it may be wise to escalate to a stronger social consequence.
This is how many human tribes resolved differences before we developed more complex state-based societies. Negative behaviors were often socially punished. And dispute resolution was based on preserving and restoring healthy community relationships, not primarily on achieving justice.
In yesterday’s post about Trump supporters, I did my best to make it clear that people who support this loser will incur a social consequence from me. I’m just one person doing this, but if more people joined in, perhaps we could really shift something here and help people abandon this foolish and destructive behavior pattern.
While some people feel it’s best to keep communication channels open and try to be polite, I think that’s too weak of a position, especially with respect to the disease of Trumpism. and it will just enable and encourage more idiotic behavior. “Let’s be polite and civil about this” is the same attitude that enables racism to continue. At some point when a problem has festered long enough, it’s time to establish some firmer consequences. When the consequences become strong enough, it really does change people’s behaviors.
Don’t you feel that certain negative behaviors are much riskier today than they were 10-20 years ago? Why? Because the social consequences of some of those behaviors are even higher today than they used to be.
To raise our collective social standards, we must be firmer with boundary management as individuals.
Consider that being firm and resolute in your boundary management may be a lot more beneficial for others than being so polite and gentle. When you’re leaning towards gentleness, consider why you’re doing that. Is it really the best course of action for the other person in the long run? Or are you really just trying to avoid a conflict that you’d rather not deal with?
Politeness and gentleness are good values when your boundaries aren’t being violated. If you want to preserve the status quo, go ahead and favor politeness in your interactions. I for one think the status quo in the USA right now is pretty fucking far from okay, as do many people I know. I like that we’ve opened a gateway where honesty and firmness are becoming more important than politeness and gentleness. Yes, there’s a lot of anger coming out too – the result of too much phony politeness for too long. I find the emotional honesty coming out of people these days to be refreshing.
I just want to take a moment to express appreciation to you (and all of my readers) for your intelligence and rationality – and your open-heartedness as well – during these incredible shifts that we’re all living through. This has surely been a year of change – and can you believe we’re not even halfway through it yet?
The feedback I’ve been getting in recent weeks really drives home how lucky I am to connect with you.
I’ve seen so much polarization and cynicism elsewhere online these days, and it’s refreshing to get to connect each day with people who are optimistic, rational, and deeply committed to personal growth. It’s especially inspiring and motivating to connect with people who care about being of service and who want to make a positive difference in the world.
One thing I’ve found helpful – as have many friends – is to practice especially strong boundary management this year. I know that many of my readers have had to do the same. This really does help. I know some people confuse weak boundaries with tolerance, but that form of tolerance is actually a form of resistance.
I’ve seen people descending into irrationality, cynicism, overt racism and sexism, Trumpism, nationalism, and other “isms” that clearly violate the principles by which I’ve chosen to live. I recognize that they have the freedom to pursue those depths if they want to, in which case I’ll exercise the freedom to de-simulate them from my reality. I decline what they offer, often using small words so they’re sure to understand. I still feel compassion for them, as long as they stay well out of disgust range and don’t try to projectile-vomit their insanities into my personal sphere.
This contrast actually makes me feel even more grateful for the people who haven’t gone batshit insane – for those who still have a good head on their shoulders and a good heart in their chests. Lately I’ve been feeling more of my energy shifting inwards towards these delightful and intelligent people. It’s helped me see that my work really isn’t meant for everyone – it’s really just meant for those who resonate with it.
Where are you putting your energy these days? What effects do different investments of energy have on yourself and others? Are you investing where the appreciation is flowing well? Even during trying times, can you still feel grateful for the people you get to connect with each day? If not, you can change that, and a good place to start is by making sure you’re practicing intelligent boundary management.
