I’m A 41-Year-Old Single Mum. I’m Over Dating Men My Own Age.

Posted on 16/05/2026 by Boris Clair

“Who are you waiting for tonight?” Jon, a bartender who has witnessed several of my dates over the years, asks. He tucks his shaggy hair behind his ear before handing a customer a cocktail, then situates himself in front of me and leans on the bar like an old friend, which, at this point, given I’m a regular at this brewery, he pretty much is.

Before I can answer him, my phone buzzes. I glance down and read the message quickly. “Just parked,” it says. I place it face down and look up to meet Jon’s curious gaze.

“Just some guy!” I shrug, taking a sip of my beer and drumming my fingers on the dark wood of the bar. “I don’t know. He seems cool. He’s a musician.”

Jon laughs. “Of course he is,” he says knowingly. He knows I have a soft spot for musicians. And younger men. “How old?” he grins.

I shake my head. “Mind your business.”

A few minutes later, I glance to my right and see the lanky 29-year-old I’ve been chatting with on a dating app through the large, garage-style windows. He’s walking quickly because he knows I’ve been waiting, even though I actually don’t mind sitting at a bar alone.

I like getting to a date early, ordering a drink, and settling in. Still, I find his hustle endearing. I watch him raise his hand to his mouth then release a cloud of smoke into the air before tugging the brewery door open.

He recognises me from behind right away. My long, wavy hair is usually a dead giveaway. I feel his presence behind me, turn my head slightly, and smile before he slides onto his stool.

I’m not often nervous on first dates because the truth is, I don’t care all that much how they go. Why would I? I’m not invested yet, so I’m not overcome by nerves. But not long after he sits down, I’m almost completely at ease. It feels like I’m talking to an old friend who happens to be cute, kind and, well, tall.

I’ve been on maybe a dozen first dates since one of the most brutal breakups of my life, and I haven’t been interested in anyone. But there is something refreshingly gentle about the way this man talks to me.

He’s nervous, but not overly so. And despite his nerves, he manages to laugh at my dumb jokes. He asks me about my writing career, my kids and my Stevie Nicks T-shirt.

Side note: He’s nearly a decade younger than me. But our conversation flows easily. It doesn’t feel forced. And by the end of the date, I’m fairly certain I’m going to see him again.

I didn’t always date younger men. In fact, just after my divorce at age 33, I actively avoided it, imagining that a dose of 40-something maturity was what I needed. I was a grown woman with kids, after all. I didn’t want someone I had to teach. I wanted someone I could learn from. Someone responsible, stable. A grown ass man, if you will.

Dating my own age or older (given I was early to marry and early to divorce) just made practical sense. Or so I thought.

I dated around. A lot. I kept an open mind, and I didn’t discriminate based on the usual criteria – job, height, religion. It was important to me to focus on genuine connection rather than checking boxes that, at the end of the day, don’t matter all that much.

But even with an open mind, and an open heart, more often than not I ended up deeply disappointed by the men I went out with, or sometimes even ended up dating. I did fall in love with an older man – once. But after that relationship imploded, while I continued to seek out what I thought were appropriately aged men for me, I started to feel a sense of hopelessness.

The men I was going out with might’ve been older, but they weren’t more evolved, and they definitely weren’t wiser. In fact, a lot of them seemed to be regressing, as if age and failed relationships had eaten them alive.

Many felt emasculated and emotionally destroyed by their own divorces or past relationships. And while almost all of them said they went to therapy (and even listed it on their dating app profiles), it didn’t show.

After dating them – or sometimes, just meeting them once – I suspected that they used therapy to make themselves feel better, rather than to actually change.

Age had just made them more set in their ways and that rigidity left me annoyed, hopeless and bored to death of hardened men who said they wanted love but were deeply self-involved.

Meanwhile, on the dating apps, men in their 50s seemed to have no qualms about advertising that they wanted a young, hot, “drama-free” woman. I started to ask myself why I couldn’t date younger.

"I have zero shame about the fact that I’d rather date men who are younger than me. In fact, I think more women should do the same," the author writes. — “I have zero shame about the fact that I’d rather date men who are younger than me. In fact, I think more women should do the same,” the author writes.

Was I missing out on connections because I had my age filter set to 35+? Maybe. Maybe not. But dozens (hundreds?) of bad dates later, I decided it was worth looking into – even if only for the experience.

So, I started going on dates with younger men. They weren’t all great. Some lived with their parents or were downright toddleresque. But there were some good surprises, too, like that the younger men I was going out with wanted to try new things. They had a spark. They had confidence that was intact. They were fun and open-minded in a way I didn’t often see in older men.

Likewise, they were more interesting – and interested – and they weren’t afraid to show it. I felt like my confidence in dating had been restored.

Recently, the Netflix show Age of Attraction, which I happily binged, showcased older women dating younger men. While it’s more common in our culture to see older men dating younger women, the series also highlighted the opposite dynamic. And not so surprisingly, some of the women on the show expressed that they felt seen and cared for in a way they had imagined they might never experience again.

As I watched, I felt understood, and at the same time, like I better understood the dynamic I had been living.

While we’ve been led to believe it’s only men who prefer dating younger, two can play at that game. Anecdotally, dating younger guys may help older women who are still vibrant and full of life feel seen. But some researchers say that women are more satisfied when they have younger partners. And according to 2025 research published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAs), both men and women experienced higher levels of satisfaction on first dates with someone younger. Therefore, it’s likely not lack of interest that keeps women from dating younger. It’s fear of judgement.

The end of my date with the younger musician, who did go on to become my boyfriend, was further proof. After he paid for dinner (without even making me reach for my wallet), I invited him back to my house for one more beer. We sat knee to knee on my couch, and my two dogs curled up on either side of us.

We listened to music and talked about concerts and politics before finally, I told him that 11pm was past my bedtime, and he had to go home. I walked him to the door, then stood on my tippy-toes as he hovered over me. A smile spread across my lips just before we kissed for the first time.

Age isn’t just a number, no matter what anyone says. With it comes experience and new ways of looking at life. But for a lot of older men, whose lives or romantic relationships didn’t pan out the way they’d planned, their experiences haven’t exactly shaped them for the better. It hasn’t equipped them for partnership, love or even romance. It’s often done precisely the opposite.

And to be real, I have enough of my own battles, demons and stressors to fight. I don’t need a man I have to drag through life or who weighs me down or makes me feel heavier. I’d rather be with someone who lifts me up and makes me feel seen, or no one at all.

In the end, the musician and I went our separate ways, for reasons unrelated to age. Now I’m back to dating again at 41, which mostly just looks like staying open to connections, or scrawling my phone number for a cute, younger bartender while paying my tab, like I did last week. It looks like occasional swiping on men from around 25 to 40; I toggle the age limits sometimes.

I’m not opposed to dating older men again, but I have my guard up with them. Younger men still feel more confident, open and less fragile.

As a single mum in my 40s, I’m not exactly dating to marry. But I am dating with the intention of solid connections, and younger men have been refreshing where men my age and older were mostly frustrating.

I have zero shame about the fact that I’d rather date men who are younger than me. In fact, I think more women should do the same.

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How To Tell If Your Standards Are, In Fact, Too High

Posted on 04/04/2026 by Boris Clair

Having standards when dating is important. But sometimes we get so caught up in the pursuit of the perfect partner that we let those standards get in the way of meeting quality people.

When you’re swiping through a dating app and find yourself rejecting person after person, it’s worth asking: Are your standards too high?

“With dating apps, it is easy to dismiss someone in seconds with a swipe,” Bonnie Winston, celebrity matchmaker and relationship expert, told HuffPost. “You are looking at a human being, but we get used to not realising it is an actual soul, a living and breathing person.”

It happens to the best of us; no one wants to risk another failed relationship. And with the right mindset, standards can actually help you weed out the wrong potential partners.

But what kind of high standards are actually self-sabotaging, and which ones are worth keeping? Here’s what dating experts want you to know.

The Most Common High Standards Dating Experts See

From physical traits to lifestyle preferences, dating experts have heard just about every standard one could set.

Winston has had clients arrive at her sessions with exhaustive checklists resembling a child’s Christmas list. Once, she had a male client who refused to go on a second date with a beautiful, highly educated woman who shared his values and hobbies. His reason? She was 5-foot-1, and he wanted his future children to have a shot at playing basketball.

Some standards, like patience and emotional intelligence are worth holding out for. Others, like a very specific height window? Not so much.

For Emma Hathorn, dating expert at Seeking.com, the standards themselves aren’t the problem. It’s when people associate their specific standards with perfection and refuse to engage with people who are otherwise really compatible that it becomes an issue.

“I actually push back on the idea of having standards that are ‘too high’ entirely,” she told HuffPost. “Most of the standards people criticise, such as wanting emotional maturity, ambition, or financial stability, are not unrealistic. They are signals of compatibility and shared values.”

When High Standards Can Actually Work For You

“Standards are healthiest when they reflect self-respect,” Hathorn said. For example, ask yourself whether a person shares your values or wants similar things in life. Those core values are key to a long-lasting relationship.

Lifestyle standards, such as being “outdoorsy,” an adventurous eater or preferring city life over the suburbs, can also be healthy because they often reflect how someone wants to live day to day, Hathorn adds. Relationships are built around everyday habits, and these factors usually point to compatibility in routines.

Then there’s emotional effort, which includes communication, maturity, and how one can invest in the relationship.

“A lot of people focus on surface traits like looks, but one of the most important predictors of a healthy relationship is how much effort someone puts into showing up consistently,” said Hathorn. “Those qualities determine whether a connection actually grows over time.”

When These Standards Work Against You

Aside from shrinking the dating pool, some high standards can become a form of avoidance, Hathorn said: “A standard should help you identify alignment, not disqualify someone who might otherwise be a great partner.”

“The difference between someone with high standards and someone who is emotionally unavailable is willingness,” Hathorn continued. “High-standard daters are ready to build something meaningful with the right person. An emotionally unavailable person might actively avoid the right person.”

Sometimes high standards have nothing to do with finding the right person. “People set rigid criteria because they’re trying to avoid vulnerability,” Hathorn said. “In those cases, the standard isn’t about finding the right person; it’s about protecting themselves from risk.”

Rigid criteria can also be a means of avoidance. It's easier to avoid being challenged emotionally if you've already decided no one can meet your standards. — Rigid criteria can also be a means of avoidance. It’s easier to avoid being challenged emotionally if you’ve *already* decided no one can meet your standards.

How To Tell Whether Your Standards Are Sabotaging You

So how do you know if your standards are working for you or against you? Hathorn suggests asking yourself this question: Do your standards represent a value or an image? “Wanting a partner who is emotionally mature, financially responsible, or ambitious reflects values,” she explained. “Wanting someone who fits a very specific aesthetic or status symbol is usually about image, and not always something someone can change.”

Also, remind yourself to think realistically about what you want out of a match. “Some people come to me wanting a 10 in looks, a 10 in intelligence, a 10 in professional success, and a 10 in personality,” Winston said. “That is just not possible, and no one can embody that.”

When meeting someone new, ask yourself if your hesitations are based on values or fear.

“When it’s genuinely not a match, the disconnect usually shows up in core areas like goals, lifestyle, communication style, or emotional availability,” Hathorn explained. “When it’s self-sabotage, people often walk away because things feel unfamiliar, vulnerable, or ‘too good to be true.’”

And when in doubt, remember that standards should serve as guidelines, not gospel. Take another one of Winston’s clients, who she said narrowed her original list of standards to three important ones, only to end up marrying her first match. The kicker? “He didn’t have anything on the list!”

‘My Boyfriend’s Jokes Started Including Creepy Details. Can I Ever Trust Him Again?’

Posted on 01/12/2025 by Boris Clair

Though closeness is an important part of a great relationship, the cofounder and COO of Fresh Starts Registry, Genevieve Dreizen, says that privacy is key, too.

“As a person who spends a great deal of time helping people navigate life transitions and emotional crossroads, I always remind people that privacy is not a threat to intimacy,” the etiquette expert said.

In fact, she calls it a “necessary ingredient” for a healthy partnership.

Perhaps that’s why Redditor u/taliv_03 said she feels so “disgusted” after learning that her partner had been rifling through her diary.

Writing to the forum r/TwoHotTakes, the original poster (OP) said that she first suspected him of reading her journal about a month ago, when his jokes about her changed.

Here, we asked Dreizen to weigh in on the tricky situation.

OP’s partner began joking about details only shared in her journal

The poster, a 27-year-old woman, said that her partner (a 29-year-old man) had been together for a little over a year when she noticed the change.

Throughout that period, she had a paper diary that her boyfriend knew about. It is a “non-negotiable” for her, she says; her partner had previously “teased me [about it] once in a sweet way, calling it my ‘brain compost bin.’”

About a month ago, though, she started noticing something strange about her partner’s jokes.

“We were with friends, and he made a joke about how I [research] symptoms for my cat more than for myself… It stung because that exact line was in my journal the night before, word for word,” OP wrote.

“A week later, he told this story to my sister about how I still feel guilty for breaking a snow globe when I was five. I have never told that story out loud, only wrote it down after a therapy session.”

Two nights ago, she said she walked in to see her diary open on a coffee table in front of her. He claimed he had moved it to save it from the cat, she said.

After he mentioned yet another private musing, though, she raised her suspicions with him, “and he got defensive, said I should not write things down if I don’t want them to be ‘found art’, and that I was overreacting because ‘partners should not have secrets.’”

Since then, OP writes, she has felt “disgusted and stupid, like my safe place just got ripped open for someone else’s stand-up routine.

“At the same time, I keep wondering if I am making this bigger than it is. Is reading a partner’s journal and then using their thoughts as jokes a hard deal breaker, or something you can actually rebuild trust from?” she ended.

“This is a boundary violation”

Speaking to HuffPost UK, Dreizen explained: “When a partner reads your diary, they aren’t just crossing a line of etiquette; they are trespassing on the internal space where you tell the truth to yourself. That space is sacred.

“A diary is not a shared document, not a negotiation, not a relationship ledger.”

And when someone snoops in your diary, “You’re dealing with a breach of trust that destabilises the foundation of emotional safety in the relationship.”

It turns a private space into an arena where you suddenly have to worry about leaving yourself open to teasing and jokes, the expert added.

“That kind of emotional exposure can make you question your reality, tiptoe around your own inner world, or feel ashamed of feelings you were never meant to defend.

“The injury is not just about the reading – it’s about the casualness with which your boundaries were dismissed, the entitlement to your inner life, and the refusal to take accountability afterwards.”

For her part, Dreizen said, “The first step is acknowledging that this isn’t a difference in opinion about privacy. This is a boundary violation. The partner’s belief that ‘partners shouldn’t have secrets’ is a misconception wrapped in control.

She said that in this case, repair is only possible once OP’s partner has proven that he understands that he’s wrong and why and has taken concrete steps to change.

Dreizen asked the poster, should she wish to give her partner another try, to say something like, “I’m open to moving forward, but only if you take responsibility without minimising and commit to respecting my boundaries. What steps are you willing to take to make that happen?”

What Is ‘Chatfishing’, The Disappointing Dating Trend Plaguing Apps?

Posted on 25/10/2025 by Boris Clair

You might have heard of “catfishing”, which happens when people create fake or misleading profiles online in order to draw others in.

The term comes from a 2010 documentary, Catfish, which compared the practice to the catfish one of the cast members suggested were included in tanks of cod to keep them agile in transit.

“I thank God for the catfish because we would be droll, boring and dull if we didn’t have somebody nipping at our fin,” Vince Pierce, who helped to inspire the name of the movie, said in the flick.

But according to author and relationship and self-help expert Tam Kaur, another species has taken its place: we are now in an age of “chatfishing”.

What is “chatfishing”?

“‘Chatfishing’ is when someone uses an AI tool, like ChatGPT or Gemini, to write their messages on dating apps,” Kaur shared.

Though it doesn’t exactly sound romantic, the self-help expert said she understands why reliance on large language models (LLMs) like these is growing.

The machines, after all, won’t make an embarrassing grammar or spelling mistake, and they can make the “awkward” process of starting a conversation a little smoother.

“Using AI becomes a way to show up as a ‘perfect’ version of yourself, without the fear of rejection,” the expert continued.

But that doesn’t take away from the core issue: if the chat goes well, the goal is to enter a scenario in which you have no choice but to be yourself, in real life.

“Ultimately, many people use the tools to enhance their confidence with online dating, but they don’t realise it’s doing a disservice to themselves as they deceive their matches,” Kaur said.

“It is a very real form of deception because you’re presenting as a person who isn’t you. That doesn’t show respect to the person on the other end who’s trying to get to know you.

“Relationships, whether they’re casual or committed, are built on trust, and when you start something off with even small dishonesty, you’re disrespecting whoever you’re entering this relationship with.”

How can I spot a “chatfisher”?

It can be hard to spot, especially when you don’t know the person’s usual texting style, the author admitted.

But sometimes, “chatfishers” leave clues behind.

“If the message is from someone based in the UK, but uses American spelling, this can be a key sign. Most AI tools default to Americanised spellings, opting for ‘z’ instead of ‘s’ or ‘olor’ instead of ‘olour’,” she explained.

“A message that uses strange punctuation, which you wouldn’t see in regular text conversations, could also be a sign – for example, random hyphens or odd spacing before the start of sentences.

Most of all, Kaur ended, “it’s about trusting your own intuition. If something feels off or too curated, it probably is.”

7 Sneaky Signs Of Resentment In Relationships

Posted on 20/09/2025 by Boris Clair

Over the course of a relationship, you’ll likely encounter complex and difficult emotions, from jealousy to grief to shame. All sorts of feelings can test a couple’s bond, but one of the more stealth yet destructive emotions is resentment.

“Resentment in a relationship can be toxic and harmful if left unaddressed,” Damona Hoffman, host of The Dates & Mates Podcast, told HuffPost. “It often builds up over time when one or both partners feel hurt, ignored or misunderstood.”

Often in relationships, there’s resentment around unequal division of labor or feeling unappreciated.

“It can begin to occur due to imbalances in your relationship, such as one partner carrying more of the mental load, whether it’s pressure to manage parenting, financial or domestic responsibilities,” said Samantha Burns, a couples therapist and relationship coach.

Resentment can manifest in subtle ways that aren’t always super apparent to your partner – or even to yourself. HuffPost asked Hoffman, Burns and other experts to share some of the sneaky signs of resentment in relationships.

Changes in communication

“Pay attention to shifts in communication and in how you express yourselves and react to one another,” said Tracy Ross, a licensed clinical social worker specialising in couples and family therapy. “Is there more sarcasm, more edginess or a negative tone?”

Take a look at what might be happening beneath the surface if you detect changes in the tone, frequency or style of your communication with your partner.

“Signs of resentment can be insidious and small verbal and nonverbal behaviours, such eye-rolling, sighing, criticising, a general lack of respect or value for your partner’s opinions or actions, and invalidation that overtime builds up and overtakes many of your interactions,” Burns said.

Passive-aggressive comments, subtle digs, scoffing and belittling what the other person says can all point to resentment. There could be a sense of moodiness or short closed-end statements that cut off actual conversation as well.

Keeping score

“Partners harbouring resentment may start keeping track of each other’s mistakes or past wrongdoings, using them as ammunition in future conflicts,” Hoffman said.

Sometimes this score-keeping is unspoken, while in other situations it might be more explicitly expressed.

“Someone might be bringing up past grievances frequently, focusing on tit-for-tat,” said Mabel Yiu, a marriage and family therapist and founding director of Women’s Therapy Institute.

There might also be a sense of tracking who is contributing more to keeping things running smoothly or working harder.

“You might feel as if you constantly have to sacrifice your own wants and needs,” said April Henry, a licensed marriage and family therapy associate at Millennial Life Counseling. “You lack empathy for them or their excuses.”

Avoiding spending time together

“It’s healthy for couples to have their own interests and friends they see separately, but if one or both partners seem to be finding excuses to avoid another or get out of spending solo time together, that’s a big red flag,” Hoffman said.

Ask yourself if you’re feeling withdrawn or emotionally disconnected from your partner. Maybe you aren’t interacting as much as you used to.

“Are you avoiding certain conversations or spending time together? Are you making excuses for being less available?” Ross said.

Criticism and blame

“According to Dr. John Gottman, criticism is one of the biggest signs of trouble in a relationship,” Hoffman explained.

Indeed, his “four horsemen” of a relationship apocalypse are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

“Are you feeling more critical of your partner’s family, close friends, work situation – and do you find yourself judging, complaining or nitpicking – or vice versa?” Ross asked. “Do you find yourself feeling superior – ‘what is wrong with him/her? I would never do something like that.’ Do you feel contemptuous instead of mildly annoyed when your partner is late, or doesn’t clean up, or any number of small things?”

Take note if the way you deal with conflict and differences has shifted to a more critical approach.

“Another sign of resentment is blaming – making the other person the scapegoat for their unhappiness,” Yiu said.

Complaining behind their back

In addition to frequently nitpicking or complaining to your partner about things they do, a sign of resentment might involve how you talk about your partner to other people.

“Do you find yourself complaining behind your partner’s back, assuming the worst instead of the best of a particular miscommunication or conflict?” Ross said.

A little venting to your friends here and there is fine, but pay attention if it starts to feel excessive. Are you only talking about your partner as though they’re a terrible person?

“Oftentimes when someone is resentful in a relationship, they may have less empathy for their partner,” said Rachel Needle, a licensed psychologist and co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes.

Resentment has a tendency to bubble to the surface in one way or another.

Emotional outbursts or coldness

“Resentment is clever in the way it masks itself as anger,” Henry said. “You may think you’re upset with your partner for not unloading the dishwasher, but soon realize the gradual build-up of unmet expectations has actually turned to resentment. Resentment may have crept its way into your relationship if you find yourself in a continuous loop of feeling increasingly irritable around them.”

Resentment can manifest in emotional outbursts or cold behaviour as those pent-up feelings are released. Resist the urge to boil these deeper issues down to pure anger or sadness.

“You may find an increase of conflict about small things that always seem to come back to a larger past issue, feelings of disgust and disdain and feelings of overwhelm and high stress,” said Alysha Jeney, a relationship therapist and founder of Modern Love Counselling.

“Oftentimes resentment is a reaction of being overly stressed – being in the fight, flight or freeze part of our nervous system – for an extended period of time and not knowing how to come back to the parasympathetic nervous system of rest and digest. We feel exhausted, stressed and need help, but sometimes don’t know how to get it.”

This can make us more easily angered or annoyed by our partners. We may even villainise them because we don’t feel seen, heard or supported, which could activate inner wounds from our past.

“You might begin to assume that your partner is intentionally trying to anger, annoy or upset you, instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt – which leads to you interacting defensively and perpetuating the negative dynamic,” Burns said.

A change in intimacy

“Resentment can affect physical and emotional intimacy, causing a decline in affection, sex, and emotional connection,” Hoffman said. “I find that couples who get to the point of resentment have actually had a slowing or lack of intimacy for months or even years.”

One or both of you might pull away both emotionally and physically and show less interest in intimacy.

“Ask, are you less interested in sex, affection, being close?” Ross said. “And of course all of this can be true in the reverse as well. Maybe you notice what you’re getting from your partner doesn’t feel quite the same – less tolerance, more distance, less connecting, less prioritising one another.”

Whether you’re experiencing a sense of physical and emotional distance, increased criticism or a temptation to keep score, just remember that resentment does not have to mean the end of a relationship.

“If you detect resentment in your relationship, talk about it as soon as possible,” Needle urged. “As soon as you sense an issue, communicate about it rather than let something fester or an issue go unresolved.”

In addition to fostering healthy communication, she recommended working on forgiveness, gratitude, compassion and finding a middle ground to deal with resentment. If resentment continues to affect your relationship, seek the help of a mental health professional.

My Mum Didn’t Believe I Was ‘Really Trying’ To Find Love. So She Took Things A Step Too Far.

Posted on 23/08/2025 by Boris Clair

Family Beef is our family advice column at HuffPost Family. Have a beef you want us to weigh in on? Submit it here.

Dear Family Beef,

I (F/33) am single and have been since the end of my long-term college relationship. We were together for 5 years before calling it off in my mid-twenties and I’ve been on the apps, trying to meet people through friends and events ever since. I’ve had a few short-term relationships and maybe a handful of okay dates that went nowhere — but I haven’t had someone I’d bring home to meet my family.

My mom has made no secret that she doesn’t love this (and that she wishes I got married to my ex, despite our amicable mutual split). She and my father got together when they were in their early twenties. They met through mutual friends at work, had me and my brother within three years and are still happily married. She knows that I want a partner in life and frequently tells me I “waited too long” and that I wasn’t “really trying” with all the different dating apps available. It hurt when she said that but I was never going to sit down and explain the depressing reality of getting a “wyd” message from a 30-something on tinder to my 63-year-old mother. But now I feel like I don’t have a choice.

I found out recently that she actually made a profile for me on Bumble! The profile itself isn’t that bad— the photos are maybe a little old and not really what I would pick for myself and the other info is a little boring/bland. But I still feel really weird that she signed up for the service (a paid version too?!) without talking to me, that she dropped her own dating profile version of me in front of me and said “see, it’s not that hard” and that she seems so sure that I am the reason I am single still. It all turned into a bigger fight and now I have my brother and dad texting me and asking me when I’m going to make up with her.

We haven’t spoken in a few days, while I figure out how to respond. She didn’t try to hide the profile or anything or swipe or talk to anyone (thankfully!), but I feel like my mom doesn’t understand my situation at all or how bad the apps can be and it makes me feel pathetic that she’s trying to take my love life into her own hands.

I don’t want to fight with her but I want her to know this isn’t okay either and I’d really like her to be nicer to me about all of this because I’ve put a lot of time and therapy into learning to be happy with myself as a single person even as a I look for love. How do I put an end to this fight without letting her think this is okay?

— Mother Knows Best

Whether she meant well or not, your mom made a call that seriously overstepped (and, unsurprisingly, stepped in some shit in the process).

Parents meddling in their adult children’s love life is a tale as old as time, but that doesn’t make the situation any less maddening when it happens to you — and the feelings under the more basic beef seem like they run deeper than an off-brand profile of you making its way to an app.

The profile itself (and whatever made her think making it was a good idea) is one problem to address, but the seemingly frantic and overly-critical attitude toward your singleness, the way you’re moving through our current dating environment and how that makes you feel is another.

From Critic To Accomplice

The first one is more cut-and-dry: It was wholly inappropriate for her to make a profile for you (functionally impersonating you?) without talking to you. It’s weird and catfish-adjacent at best while also disrespecting your own dating efforts.

I can imagine that this could easily become a goofy story you tell at family functions in the future, if you can address the hurt feelings with love head-on. You can tell her that she took things a step too far and left you feeling disrespected, embarrassed and that you’ve been uncomfortable with the way she’s been speaking about your love life.

If she is not able to understand your point of view and agree to a more respectful, observing-only distance from your dating life, you may need to set some loving boundaries around her access to that part of your life. Maybe it’s describing the impact and hurt feelings of the “you waited too long” or “you’re not even trying” comments and being clear that those are not helpful.

“Setting boundaries means being clear about what support looks like and what just isn’t helping,” Saba Harouni Lurie, marriage and family therapist and founder of Take Root Therapy, tells HuffPost. “You can let them know that you appreciate them asking about how you’re doing and managing in general, and let them know that you are doing your best to find a partner who is a good fit.”

And, it will also help to let her know the impact of her previous, unhelpful behavior. “You can also explain that when they ask specifically about dating, it causes undue pressure,” Harouni Lurie says, “because you are doing your best to navigate what is, in fact, really difficult.”

“The best support you can give is rooted in encouragement, humor, and sincere interest without any judgment.”

– Julie Nguyen, dating coach, matchmaker and dating expert at Hily.

Naming your needs and being explicit about how your loved ones can be your allies and accomplices is also helpful.

“You can let them know what actually helps you, which is their encouragement to enjoy the present moment, their trust that you know what’s best for yourself right now, and the patience that the right things take time,” Julie Nguyen, dating coach, matchmaker and dating expert at Hily, said. “That way, you honour their concern but remind them that your path is yours to walk.”

Harouni Lurie added, “Explicit details about what you need and want, as well as what isn’t working for you, will probably be helpful for everyone involved.”

And, if you want, you can offer an olive branch: If she wants to pay for a more premium app account of your choosing, take her up on the offer (with the caveat that she backs off with the judgmental talk). If she wants to set you up on a date or connect you with someone (and you’re cool with that), tell her she just has to run it by you in a specific way first.

Nguyen adds that relatives can focus their energy on being more encouraging of their single loved one and help relieve the pressure. “The best support you can give is rooted in encouragement, humour, and sincere interest without any judgment,” Nguyen said. “Avoid pressuring them to match out of desperation or because time is running out. Instead, offer lightness by laughing with them about the absurdities, listening when they share, and reminding them of their worth regardless of any relationship status.”

Help Her Understand How Dating Has Changed

Not trying to make more homework for you here, but your mom really might just not know what she doesn’t know about modern dating.

(Quick note: Though we’re talking about it at length, online dating is, of course, not the only way to date. There’s an encouraging growth in daters seeking out more classic offline dating strategies like approaching people in public, going to events that are designed to get single people talking to one another and asking friends for an intentional, thoughtful fix-up.)

I have friends who, despite being in the online dating generation, still struggle to comprehend the ways the apps (among other things) have wholly disrupted dating because they’re with someone they met in school or through work. I met my own partner on an app, and I write about relationships for a living — yet I still remain in awe at how the user experiences on many of those apps have become less pleasant to use, and the users become less pleasant to speak to.

So it could help to walk her through the basics of the apps, show her a few of the eye-roll-inducing screenshots you send your friends, or even share bits of this response with her if it might help illustrate it more clearly.

“Understanding this context can help when explaining the situation to concerned family members,” Harouni Lurie said. “For older generations who met through mutual friends, work or shared activities, this environment can seem completely foreign and frankly, quite harsh. They’re used to getting to know someone’s personality, humour, and character before physical attraction became the primary filter.”

We all know the classic issues: There’s an overabundance of shallow choices made based on fairly quick aesthetic judgments. Real, whole people are distilled to a handful of photos and prompts. Some people are appallingly bad at flirting (or holding compelling conversations) over text and don’t feel like it’s worth the same effort as an IRL hang. Some people aren’t so great at representing themselves or their needs accurately. Dating can feel like another boring thing you do on your phone to kill time instead of a sexy or fun opportunity to connect with another person.

“Online dating has seemingly become more difficult despite appearing more accessible than ever,” Harouni Lurie said. “The core issue may be that we are overloaded with choices, and when you’re presented with thousands of potential matches, the human brain actually becomes less satisfied with any single choice because there’s always the nagging feeling that someone ‘better’ is just one swipe away.”

Harouni Lurie adds that this “creates a throwaway culture around dating.” Where smaller-scale imperfections might be grounds for a knee-jerk dismissal or a “swipe left” just because there’s plenty of other profiles out there.

“It’s like being at a buffet where you can’t enjoy your plate because you’re constantly eyeing what else is available,” she said.

And it also doesn’t help that the apps are businesses built, to some extent, to retain customers. “The apps themselves have also evolved to prioritise engagement over meaningful connections. They’re designed to keep you swiping,” Harouni Lurie said. “The algorithms often show you your most attractive matches first to get you hooked, and then show you less compatible profiles, with the hope of getting you to pay for premium features.”

Reaffirm Your Goals (In Romance And Self-Love)

Although the apps can feel discouraging, it helps to remember that there are still people at the end of those profiles earnestly looking for connection, too.

“Everyone who puts themselves out there on a dating app is looking for love and connection,” Nguyen said. “When you view it from that function, the app becomes less about superficiality and more about shared human longing. This perspective can help add humanity back into dating apps.”

I’m not saying sink all your time into swiping — but consider it another option in your arsenal. My rule of thumb, as someone who had a positive app experience, is to only open them when you are feeling chatty, curious and engaged, and to avoid the more passive, dead-eye “toilet-swiping” behaviour. That helps keep the apps as a specific place you go to try and initiate connections instead of a glorified Candy Crush swipe-a-thon. If you notice that you’ve swiped on 12-15 people and remember negligible details about any of them, maybe give it a break.

And despite the frantic nature of folks like your mom, there is no rush here. It’s never a bad time to take a pause, check in with yourself and recommit to what you want: If that’s pursuing partnership, you can take the time to figure out which methods of meeting people and connecting feel best for you. If you’re feeling fatigued with dating, you can honour that too.

“Family members should remember that being in a relationship isn’t inherently better than being single, and their loved one’s worth isn’t determined by their relationship status.”

– Saba Harouni Lurie, founder of Take Root Therapy

It also may help your mom understand your situation more if you share your philosophy on being single — and continue doing that work of self-love for yourself. Let her know that while you want to find love, you never want that to eclipse loving yourself, or prioritizing finding “anyone” over finding the right one. You’re not in a game of musical chairs where you need to settle down when the music stops. The music isn’t even stopping.

She may imagine that not “ending up with someone” is an outcome that would be more devastating to you than it really would be — and the generational differences, the expectations she might’ve been raised with, may be the source of a lot of her anxiety on that end. It can help to remind her (and yourself) of all the things you love about your single life: your friends, the time you have with her and the rest of your family, your career or hobbies or adventures.

You may both agree and share the hope that you’ll meet your future partner sooner than later (I’m rooting for you, too!), but you should never lose that grounded part of you that knows that you’ll be OK with or without a plus one.

“Family members should remember that being in a relationship isn’t inherently better than being single, and their loved one’s worth isn’t determined by their relationship status,” Harouni Lurie said. “The goal should be supporting them in finding genuine happiness and connection, whatever that looks like for them.”

You’re Not Being Ghosted. You’re Just Addicted To ‘The Ping’

Posted on 03/08/2025 by Boris Clair

No one likes being ghosted. But what if you’re not actually being ghosted? What if the other person is genuinely just…busy? But someone being busy and feeling ghosted can often feel like the same thing when dating in a culture that expects instant responses.

As Monica Berg, relationship expert and author of “Rethink Love,” explains: “For many of us, especially those with anxious attachment patterns that were formed in early childhood, a pause in connection can feel like abandonment — not because it’s the reality of the situation, but because it reminds us of old feelings and stories.”

When we’re in the early stages of love, we’re flooded with cortisol, dopamine and all the chemical chaos that makes infatuation feel urgent and obsessive (the feeling of “butterflies,” for example). Layer in those unresolved attachment stories from childhood, and suddenly we’re reliving them in real time.

Waiting by the phone never gets any easier. But you can reframe these moments to make them less anxiety inducing.

“If we believe we’re ‘not enough’ or that ‘everyone abandons me,’ then even a delayed text can feel like confirmation of those beliefs,” Berg said.

How Instant Text Gratification Messes With Your Head

While dating apps can often feel like “The Hunger Games,” and no one wants to waste time or emotional investment on a swipe, this obsession with immediate responses from someone who is essentially a stranger can create unrealistic expectations for many single people. It dismisses the reality that the other person may have their own schedule, priorities or boundaries, none of which are necessarily a reflection of how they feel about you.

Still, the absence of a ping on your phone can trigger a defensive response: “He can’t be that busy. He must not be into me,” or “I don’t want someone too busy to text me.”

“The constant accessibility of modern communication — texts, DMs, voice notes, read receipts — creates the illusion that we should always be available,” Berg said. “Especially in new relationships, this immediacy can feel intoxicating at first: They messaged again! They’re thinking of me! But very quickly, it can become anxiety-inducing and even addictive,” she explains.

But that reaction, Berg adds, often reinforces a cycle of emotional dependence on the ping itself. The dopamine hit we get when someone we like — or think we like — texts us back becomes the metric for our self-worth.

Receiving texts and notifications triggers a dopamine hit — the neurotransmitter responsible for pleasure and infatuation. Pairing the constant contact with the consistent dopamine can make “us feel a false sense of intimacy, when real trust and intimacy evolves over time,” Berg said.

The false intimacy of text-based relationships can make pauses or gaps in talking so much more upsetting.

“Instead, we can find ourselves diving headfirst into emotional enmeshment,” Berg adds. “Boundaries — both energetic and emotional — become blurred, and we’re starting off in codependency, fantasy and expectation.”

Psychologically, she said, this sets us up for attachment dysregulation. “Our nervous systems become hijacked by anticipation, constantly scanning for connection or perceived rejection, and we are caught in an infatuation loop that will inevitably end — whether we end up together or not.”

Building on this, psychotherapist Israa Nasir explains how the dopamine feedback loop in texting and dating apps specifically keeps us focused on external rewards ― likes, replies, matches ― rather than turning inward to consider if we truly like the person.

“When we rely on external validation (like someone texting back, matching with us, or complimenting us) we’re outsourcing our sense of self-worth to others,” she explains. “These moments of approval trigger dopamine spikes, reinforcing the idea that we are only ‘OK’ when someone else chooses us.”

The more we rely on others for reassurance, Nasir adds, the less we develop and trust our own internal coping mechanisms. Which means when someone doesn’t text back, “the brain interprets it as a threat, triggering anxiety, self-doubt and shame. This keeps us in a reactive loop, instead of a grounded state.”

Nasir also points out that dating apps are deliberately “gamified,” designed like slot machines to maximise user engagement, not necessarily emotional well-being. “This behavioural design wires us for compulsive checking and distorted thinking patterns, making it harder to form secure, healthy connections.”

Making Peace With The Lack Of ‘Ping’

So what should you do if you feel panicked or dysregulated when you don’t hear back from a romantic interest within a certain timeframe?

Berg recommends seeing the trigger as an invitation to grow. “When that familiar panic sets in, the first thing to do is pause. Breathe. Call it out. You might even say out loud, ‘Here is my old story. I feel it, but I know it’s not real.’ From here, you can now challenge the story instead of letting it run the show. I often say that we don’t have control over our first thought, but we do have control over our second.”

Berg admits that challenging these habitual, negative thought patterns is a skill that is required in any phase of a relationship but especially in these early moments. “It can also help us to remember that love, real love, isn’t built in instant replies — it’s built in trust, in patience, in spiritual growth.”

And remember that a pause in communication isn’t always a rejection. “Often, it’s just life,” Berg said. “Our lives are so fast-paced and busy. What’s more important is the work of learning to regulate and soothe our own nervous systems, not outsource our peace of mind or our sense of worth to someone else’s response times. This is the shift from what I call ‘reactive interest’ to ‘conscious interest.’ And it’s where real connection begins.”

Nasir offers practical guidance on navigating the ambiguity of digital communication, including differentiating between whether someone is actually ghosting you or simply someone needing space or living their life offline.

“Track patterns, not moments: Look at their overall communication habits. Were they consistently responsive before, or had replies already started slowing down? Consider time and context: If it’s been a few hours or even a day, they may just be living life offline,” she explains. “Ghosting typically involves a sudden, complete drop-off with no explanation over an extended period (usually a week or more).”

“Reduce time doom-scrolling or waiting for a ping. Instead, engage in meaningful, self-affirming activities: friendships, hobbies, creativity, solo travel or dining, rest. These fill your emotional reserves and make dating feel like a part of life, not the whole thing.”

– Israa Nasir, psychotherapist

If you suspect you’re really being ghosted, Nasir suggests asking directly, once. “If you’re unsure, it’s OK to check in with a grounded message. If there’s no response after that, it’s information, not necessarily personal failure.”

When nothing is guaranteed in love or life and when dating feels like it’s doing more harm than good now more than ever, Nasir further emphasises the importance of building emotional resilience.

“The most important thing is to make sure your entire life is not centred on romance or dating,” she said. “Reduce time doom-scrolling or waiting for a ping. Instead, engage in meaningful, self-affirming activities: friendships, hobbies, creativity, solo travel or dining, rest. These fill your emotional reserves and make dating feel like a part of life, not the whole thing.”

She also recommends building in regular check-ins with yourself after interactions: “How did I feel? Did I show up as myself? This centres your experience, rather than obsessing over theirs. Practice sitting with discomfort—like the unknown of a delayed reply — without reacting impulsively. Use grounding tools like breath work, movement, or journaling to stay present. This rewires your nervous system to see uncertainty as tolerable, not dangerous.”

As Berg puts it: “The goal of a relationship is not constant contact or infinite good feelings — it’s real connection, which can only occur slowly over time.”

These 6 Behaviours Are Major Red Flags On A Dinner Date

Posted on 19/07/2025 by Boris Clair

The way people behave in restaurants – where they have buying power but not ultimate control – can offer significant clues about their personalities. Since a restaurant is a little microcosm of life, you can find out a lot about a person when observing how they interact with staff, experience their food and cope with any occasional hiccups in service.

If you recognise any concerning behaviours when dining out, you might want to think twice about a second date. After all, as Chris Van Dyne, founder of Cosmic Pie Pizza in Santa Fe, New Mexico said, “Restaurants are stress tests. You’ve got time limits, money on the line and the potential for little annoyances everywhere. So if someone’s rude in a restaurant, they’ll be rude in traffic, in arguments and in bed.”

While a restaurant staff endures your bad date for just a couple of hours, you might end up with that person long-term if you don’t pay attention now. Chef Jonathon Scinto warned: “Each of these behaviours is like a preview trailer for a full-length toxic personality you don’t want to co-star with.”

1. They play games with seating

One well-known power play occurs when it’s time to be seated, said Rick Camac, executive director of industry relations at the Institute of Culinary Education’s New York City campus. He’s owned, operated, managed and consulted at 20 restaurants and bars since 2000, so he’s well-versed on the kind of ego tripping that begins before the first course is served.

“One of the worst examples happens when someone with a party of two requests a bigger table, like a four-top, in a clearly very busy restaurant,” Camac said. When it’s obvious that every other couple in the place has been seated at a two-top, it takes a real jerk to insist on special treatment. Demands like that show just how clueless – and power-driven – your date actually is.

Chef Douglas Keane, owner of the Sonoma Michelin-starred restaurant Cyrus and author of the memoir “Culinary Leverage: A Journey Through the Heat,” offered his own observations on power plays when it comes to seating.

“There are certain people who heard somewhere that they should never accept the first table they’re offered,” he observed. “They believe it’s obviously the intention of the restaurant to give the absolute worst table to them, and refusing the table is a sign of being smarter than the staff. It’s usually a sign of insecurity, and it’s funny to watch. We just roll our eyes and give them another table.”

2. They order for you without consultation

No, we haven’t gone back in time to the 1950s, but yes, this behaviour is still happening, food service professionals said.

“I saw a man cut off his date mid-order, telling the server, ‘She’ll just get a salad with no dressing. Trust me,’” Scinto said. “You could feel her energy change. He made it about control, not care. And that just gets worse over time.”

Taking the initiative isn't always as helpful as you think it might be. — Taking the initiative isn’t always as helpful as you think it might be.

Incredibly, this is something that front-of-house staff still see quite a lot. Belize Hans Polloso, who now works in tech, managed a high-end restaurant in Miami for four years, and she said that this was the most telling red flag she experienced.

“I once witnessed a man interrupt his girlfriend repeatedly when she tried to order, insisting she’d ‘enjoy the salmon more,’ despite her stating she didn’t eat fish. It signals a controlling personality who prioritises their preferences over their partner’s autonomy.”

3. They treat staff unprofessionally

When it comes to a classic red-flag-waver, you’ll notice that certain words just aren’t in their vocabulary.

“They never say ‘thank you,’” Scinto said. “They don’t thank the hostess, the person running food, nobody. It’s subtle, but it screams arrogance. If someone can’t give basic human respect to the team bringing their meal to life, they’ll probably struggle with gratitude in relationships, too.

“If they’re rude to staff, it shows how they view people in general,” he added. “I’ve watched a couple sit down and within five minutes, one of them is barking questions like they’re on an episode of ‘Kitchen Nightmares.’ They ask things like, ‘Is the chicken free range?’ or ’Do you know if the chef knows how to make it actually gluten-free?’ But it’s not what they ask so much as how – with a tone of entitlement. When someone talks down to my staff, especially in a place that’s built on warmth and intention, that should be an automatic no-go for their dining partner, too.”

“I think the No. 1 way to get under my skin as a chef is to treat the front of the house staff poorly,” said chef Robert Irvine, owner of Fresh Kitchen by Robert Irvine. “In my restaurants, the staff is unified in trying their best to give the customer a great experience. If that’s falling short for reasons real or imagined, there is no world in which it’s OK to start taking it out on the servers.”

When asked why this behaviour continues to happen, Irvine said, “There’s some combination of spending money and buying into the old myth that ‘the customer is always right’ that can make people think they’re entitled to not just a good meal, but to making the employees jump through various hoops.”

Being overly brusque is one red flag, but being overly familiar is another. Many servers have horror stories of the person who ignored a date completely to flirt with them all night. And if your date starts getting handsy, you really don’t want to hang around to see what happens next. Chef Rossi, owner of New York-based The Raging Skillet and author of the memoir “The Punk Rock Queen of the Jews,” offered up a simple phrase to live by: “Never, ever, touch the staff.”

4. They freak out if there’s a problem

Chef John Sugimura pointed out the “toxic bitch” tendencies of the rare customer who is never satisfied.

“They’ll criticise and ridicule every aspect of their dining experience. In my head, I’m thinking, ‘Bitch, please!’ I have a lot more customers deserving of my positive energy, so this behaviour is exhausting.”

If you’re wondering which customers this type of behaviour most frequently applies to, Keane spelled it out: “Let’s be perfectly clear — 99.9% of the time it’s a guy being douchey, and it’s all ego- and entitlement-based — definitely not someone you want to date. For that .1% of red flags that remain, it’s a woman who usually pre-gamed a little too much and is just being loud or a little obnoxious. Usually, she’s nothing too hard for our staff to deal with.”

5. And now, for a toast… or not

“Intoxication is the most easily observable red flag, and it’s the one that probably comes up the most,” Irvine said. In addition to lapping up too much of the sauce, true jerks can establish themselves in tussles over the wine menu. A common play for the arrogant, Irvine said, is expressing “annoyance that the wine list isn’t sophisticated enough for their tastes. Their arrogance demands that they demonstrate the full depth of their knowledge, so they’ll begin lecturing a server about the proper way to do their job.”

As sommeliers can tell you, the wine list can cause all sorts of ego-related acting out. Camac noted a few things that are likely to have the staff secretly choose your date for the un-coveted title of “guy we can’t wait to see the last of.” Wine-related red flags he noted include “when the date doesn’t know how to pronounce the name of certain wines, but is still trying to come off as an ‘expert,’ when they don’t know how to properly taste good wine or when they send back perfectly good wine.”

6. They tip badly (or make you pay the whole bill)

Many people in the food service industry have seen firsthand how skinflints can ruin a good server’s night.

“My father was a horrifyingly bad tipper,” Rossi said. “I spent a lot of my young adulthood apologising to waiters. When I got older, I’d reach into my pocket and add $20 to the $5 he’d left, which dad thought was adequate for our family dinner for five.”

These days, Rossi has clear advice for anyone dining in a restaurant: “Unless your waiter is a serial killer, tip them properly. Actually, it might be more important to tip if they are a serial killer, because you don’t want to piss them off.”

“We overheard one guy who left no tip at all, telling his girlfriend, ‘They already get paid,’” Van Dyne said. “She looked horrified, so we slipped her a free dessert.” Another behaviour is one that Van Dyne described as “the classic credit card ghost”: “Someone pulls out their wallet, pretends to reach, then freezes. They leave their dining partner to cover everything.”

Your server is paying attention, and so should you.

Many relationship hurdles need to be cleared when you’re dating someone – meeting up with friends, attending work events or finally meeting the parents. But along the way, you’ll also want to pay attention during coffee dates, casual brunches or fancy nights out, and make sure that your date is treating restaurant staff the way you expect to be treated.

“If you want to know who someone really is, take them to a restaurant and watch, not just what they eat — but how they act,” Scinto said. “Because if they can’t show respect to the people feeding them, they’ll never be able to feed a relationship with the same care.”

Is It Possible To ‘Protect Your Peace’ Too Much While Dating?

Posted on 11/07/2025 by Boris Clair

A few months ago, a video went viral in which French content creator Éros Brousson offered his take on what it’s like to date a woman who values her peace.

“Some women have been single for so long, they don’t date anymore,” the 25-year-old says in the clip. “They grant you access to their peaceful little empire like a reluctant queen handing you a visitor’s badge.”

“You plan a cute date, she’s thinking, ‘That sounds nice, but also, I could stay home, deep clean my apartment, do a 12-step skin care routine, order sushi, and not have to listen to a man breathe,’” he jokes.

As a straight guy, he argued, you’re competing not with other men, but with a woman’s inner peace.

The video touched a nerve with single women in the comments ― women are sick and tired of an algorithm-filled dating world (rightfully so) and more than satisfied on their own.

The video called to mind a quote from British poet Warsan Shire that you probably saved on Pinterest at some point, if you’re a millennial: “My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude.”

It also reminded me of the still-continuing 2024 trend of women committing to going “boysober”: In other words, taking an extended break from sex and men as a form of self-care.

“Protecting your peace could also be shielding a fear of vulnerability or letting oneself experience the full spectrum of relational experiences.”

– Liz Higgins, a therapist and founder of Millennial Life Counseling in Dallas

“This video is hitting home for single women because, for the first time in human history, women have the social and economic opportunity to be single over settling for an emotionally lacklustre relationship,” said Lily Womble, a dating coach and author of “Thank You, More Please: A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love.”

Women not having to settle in order to gain economic mobility is a relatively new phenomenon, Womble said. It was only 50 years ago that women first had the chance to get a credit card without her husband’s or father’s permission.

Some men may have an emotional skills gap to fill before they can compete with a woman’s inner peace, the dating coach said.

“My clients are now using ‘Do they go to therapy?’ as a qualifying and disqualifying question before going on a first date,” she said. “They want someone who is emotionally intelligent and working on their own growth.”

We’re not here to drag men, though. Given how inhospitable, if not downright hostile, the dating climate is, it’s understandable that both women and men would want a timeout. But it also kind of makes you wonder: If we really are in the midst of a loneliness crisis, might it in part be because people are benching their desires for connection, and if that’s the case, isn’t that a tiny bit depressing?

In a recent YouTube essay, Ashley Embers, a YouTuber with over 155,000 subscribers, made a broader but adjacent argument: “How Gen Z protected their peace too hard and now has no one,” she titled the video, in which she explores how individualism and the shift of our social lives online has left some of us pretty lonely.

Embers points to videos that populate so many For You pages on TikTok: the kinds of videos in which young people talk about going to bed at 9, being in their “protecting [their] peace era” and claim that they “don’t owe anyone anything” and “will cut people out” with a quickness the first time someone steps out of line.

Not compromising any element of yourself or your needs for the sake of being coupled is healthy, but if your goal is to one day have a relationship, eliminating yourself from the dating game probably isn’t the move, said Liz Higgins, a therapist and founder of Millennial Life Counseling in Dallas, Texas.

“Protecting your peace could also be shielding a fear of vulnerability or letting oneself experience the full spectrum of relational experiences,” she said. “Even good relationships aren’t perfect, and relationships are teachers.”

If your goal is to one day have a relationship, eliminating dating entirely may not be the most productive move.

Higgins also thinks the aforementioned TikTok influencers can make it seem like boundaries need to be rigid and absolute.

Certainly, in some cases, we need to put up clear walls when there are instances of abuse or lack of safety, she said.

“But some people may close off too soon before the important work of moving through adversity, building resilience, learning to experience repair with others, can occur,” she said. “These situations are also pivotal to our mental and relational wellness; we must learn to do these things and cannot just play it safe through life.”

The true power of taking a break and “protecting your peace” lies in creating space for being clear-eyed and focused on what you want and who you are, said Clare Cui, a life coach who works primarily with women.

“It allows you to understand your baseline of peace, engage in deeper introspection, and truly identify what brings you happiness and joy outside of a relationship context,” Cui said.

But she’s also learned personally (and through her clients) that stepping away from dating isn’t always a magic cure-all for finding peace in dating or relationships.

“I found it can be a common trap many fall into, myself included, if the underlying issues aren’t addressed,” Cui said. “I initially believed that simply not dating would somehow make my problems ― poof ― vanish.”

It would never actually work out that way, though, she said. “When I’d take a break, I’d feel good on my own, but the same issues and challenges would always resurface when I’d start dating again because, low and behold, ‘Hi, I’m the drama. It’s me,’” she added.

“There really needs to be intentional self-reflection and awareness of our own wounds or defence mechanisms for ‘protecting your peace’ to work,” Cui said.

While time alone can be beneficial, learning to navigate relationships with others is also important.

Women who’ve pressed pause on dating to protect their peace share what it’s like.

Jennifer Bartlett-Phelps, a 45-year-old from Indianapolis, dipped out of dating because it all felt sort of lopsided.

“In my experience, men require a ton of emotional energy from women but rarely give back at the same level,” Bartlett-Phelps said.

“I’m working a day job, running a business and building a YouTube channel,” she told us. “I don’t have the capacity to emotionally prop up someone who isn’t giving the same energy back.”

The only con she really sees is that she may be “alone” in her golden years, but “alone” is relative ― she has plenty of single friends she foresees spending time with, a la “The Golden Girls.”

“We are social creatures, so friendship is super important for most of us to thrive. But I don’t believe a romantic relationship is necessary for one to be truly happy,” she said. “I’ve been single for 10 years now and it’s the happiest I’ve ever been.”

Samantha Vigneau, a 33-year-old from Detroit, said you have to ask yourself if you’re truly protecting your peace.

“If you find yourself retreating from dating out of fear, insecurity or anxiety, this may be unconsciously sabotaging your dating life,” she said.

Vigneau thinks you also have to toss out the reductive belief that “no good men exist” and trust that you’ll find a worthwhile match.

“We attract what we believe, so I personally have this mantra of ‘there are plenty of great men out there’ and ‘the relationship that is for me will find me at the right time,’” she said.

Meeting new people often leads to you reflecting on your place in the world.

The only con of taking a break is how habit-forming your alone time can be, said Bruna Nessif, a 37-year-old writer and life coach from Southern California.

“When your life is no longer intermingled with another, you get to call all the shots,” she said. “You don’t have to experience the triggers that can arise with dating. That can get addicting. It feels good, but it can also become a coping mechanism to bypass the unconscious fear of losing control.”

Sometimes, dating feels like gazing into an unforgiving mirror, Nessif said. Meeting new people ― seeing yourself through new eyes and knowing that they’re making a value judgment on you ― often leads to you reflecting on your place in the world, and what’s actually going on internally and emotionally for you.

“Sometimes, it’s just easier to not put yourself in a position to look,” she said.

Nessif has found a nice, happy medium, though. She’s single but open to “pleasant surprises.”

“The truth is, both men and women have been using relationships as a crutch to the pain they refuse to face within themselves, and it re-creates a cycle of harm until we decide to do something different,” she said. “I’ve learned that I can’t control other people, but I can control what I entertain and what I believe I’m worthy of.”

A Strange Condition Ruined My Sex Life For 40 Years. Then A Doctor Said 1 Word That Changed My Life.

Posted on 05/07/2025 by Boris Clair

I couldn’t have been more than 19 years old when, as a happy-go-lucky UCLA student, I looked down at my penis and decided I was dying.

Cancer, I thought, noticing small red bumps at the tip of my penis. Since I wasn’t having sex with anyone — not for lack of trying, I might add — what else could they be? I was doomed before it was even legal for me to drink.

A quick trip to the university’s emergency room followed, where, under harsh lights, a female doctor held and studied my genitals, then, in front of a female nurse, broke out into laughter.

“My husband has those,” she told me. “They’re varicose veins in an uncommon place. Nothing to worry about. Go Bruins!”

It turns out, I had a lot to worry about… but not for reasons the doctor dismissed.

As a young, gay actor who moved to New York City right after college, in 1987, having red bumps on my penis wasn’t exactly the invitation to sex that I was hoping to find. Not every guy I slept with noticed, but the ones who did often thought they were a sign of AIDS, herpes or god knows what else. I’ve never forgotten the man who said, simply, that I was “a whore,” and, since he was in a relationship with another man, he couldn’t take any risks. Um, kettle…?

That said, jovially saying to guys, “relax, they’re just varicose veins,” didn’t work as well as my former doctor insinuated. Perhaps I should have had her write a note.

In reality, who could really blame these men for being suspicious? Guys were dropping dead from AIDS on a daily basis, and vigilance was everything. I spent a lot of time trying to have sex in the dark or simply praying that guys wouldn’t examine my tip too closely. Many a hard-on was deflated just worrying one of my hook-ups would suddenly scream out, “Dude, what’s wrong with your dick?!” One guy did just that.

Even in the midst of the AIDS pandemic, I slept with a lot of strangers (I always used protection for intercourse), and to them, I was just another dick — pun intended. I’m certain that, if the situation had been reversed, I’d have had a difficult time believing the varicose vein story, too.

During the periods when I had steady boyfriends, the situation diminished because they trusted me and knew I wouldn’t place them in harm’s way. (Although I’ve read reports to the contrary, I’ve never once had one of the blood vessels break, during sex or otherwise.)

However, even those men weren’t always polite about my “deformity.” One guy I dated for a long time told me that having oral sex with me was like eating ice cream with nuts — and he didn’t like nuts. Charmed!

I’ve spent a lot of my life single, though, and as I grew older in a new century, I learned that no matter what time of life you choose to be sex-positive, there will always be a target on your back from groups who find sex with multiple partners shameful.

I also found that as I got older, most complaints would come from men much younger than myself. Being a “Dilf” or a “Daddy” has been a sweet time of life for me, but the sexual scrutiny from millennials and Generation Z has become more intense. I’ve had guys show up at my door and get naked, then, after foreplay, examine my penis like I was having a medical exam. Some were polite when they walked out the door, some were not.

Since this rarely happens with men close to my age, I chalked it up to retro-fear of older men — an AIDS-era residue that meant those of us who were sexually active during that horrifying time were still physically scarred.

By 2022, I’d had enough. I was seeing a man 20 years younger than myself and having a great time, until the night he abruptly stopped oral sex and demanded to know why I had bumps on my penis. I told him they’d always been there and that he’d just never noticed, which he didn’t believe, and he said he never wanted to see or talk to me again. I’ve not spoken to him since.

I immediately made an appointment with my doctor, pulled down my pants in the office, and asked if there was anything that could be done about my grotesque abnormality.

After yet another bright-light examination, mixed in with small talk of his impending wedding and honeymoon, he told me that, contrary to what my initial doctor said, the bumps were not varicose veins, but more than likely angiokeratoma, benign blood vessels that form on the skin. His diagnosis was delivered in a tone so carefree I definitely wanted him to write a note to future lovers.

He gave me a referral to an excellent dermatologist in New York, Dr. Bradley Glodny, who, when he studied my penis — sometimes I think my flaccid package has gotten more attention than the stiff version — confirmed that I had genital angiokeratoma, and said that, for an affordable price, he could remove them via laser.

“Yes, please,” I said faster than he could turn on the equipment to fix my equipment.

When I told him that my dates were often repulsed by my groin area, he asked, flatly, “What kind of people do you go out with?”

Fair point.

I haven’t always been the best judge of character when hormones get in the way.

“What I’m baffled by — and what shocks me upon reflection — is that I ignored seeking help for my condition for 40 years, and, just as insane, I took the opinion of one doctor without seeking a second opinion.”

A week of healing went by, and, as promised, almost all of the bumps disappeared (some were too tiny to remove). My self-esteem and self-confidence jumped up 100%, and my sex life since then has become substantially more fulfilling. I had no idea that hearing Dr. Glodny say that one word could change everything.

In the bedroom, I’ve become, like, “Hey, feel free to examine my penis. Nice, isn’t it?” and “Sure, we can have sex in bright light. Sounds like fun!”

Since an internet search returned lopsided statistics on how many people have my condition, I asked Dr. Glodny for his thoughts.

“While I cannot give you an exact statistic, I believe that most men over the age of 30 have at least a few angiokeratomas in their genital area,” he said, adding that they become more prevalent as we age.

What I’m baffled by — and what shocks me upon reflection — is that I ignored seeking help for my condition for 40 years, and, just as insane, I took the opinion of one doctor without seeking a second opinion. Varicose veins run in my family, and I have them on my legs, so it did seem like a legit diagnosis. But doctors, lest we forget, are simply professionals with theories, and should always be questioned.

Part of me was embarrassed, too, to even discuss such a sensitive part of my anatomy with a stranger, let alone have them examine it. Clearly, I’ve grown up on that front. I hope that if you’re reading this and have any skin condition that scares or confuses you, you won’t be as stubborn as I was and seek help immediately.

I don’t regret having an active sex life — quite the opposite. But I should have been more dismissive of the men who disbelieved me when I told them they were safe. I accepted humiliation in the hopes that I could score some hot ass. (Remember the guy who called me a liar? I recently reached out to him so he could see the “new and improved” me. He never responded, and, frankly, I think I dodged a bullet.)

Like most guys I know, I want all of my body to be appreciated — the muscles, the hairy chest, the penis. We all have physical imperfections, wherever and whatever they may be. When we are humiliated on any level, it only increases the kind of body fascism that needs to be eradicated.

Laser removal for angiokeratoma doesn’t last forever, and I have them tweaked about once a year. Yeah, it hurts — a lot. Yes, insurance doesn’t cover it because it’s considered cosmetic. And, yes, I have to go off the market for a good week or two afterward. But at this point in my life, skipping out on the procedure and going back to hiding in the sexual shadows would be just plain nuts.

David Toussaint is a four-time book author, journalist, professional screenwriter and playwright, and actor. He lives in Manhattan with his pug, Deja.

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