Today marks national sex toy day, and — coincidentally, my birthday.

I can think of no better way than to celebrate my 32 sky-dancer-like spins around the sun, than getting to the bottom of the luxury sexy toy biz. Pun intended.

There’s no denying that the sex toy market is booming, and is expected to be worth over $80 billion by 2030. With more and more people experimenting with luxury sex toys, I wanted to know what all the buzz was about. Can they really enhance our pleasure?

Truth is, I started my sex toy collection with three humble toys. The mains-powered LoveHoney wand, which is now quite old and a bit loud. My simple LoveHoney silicone g-spot dildo and not forgetting, my Satisfyer 2.0. Without fail, these simple and relatively inexpensive tools have been able to get me off consistently for years.

That being said, I can’t deny I haven’t found myself almost salivating at the shop windows of brands that promise the most Earth-shattering orgasms. This is how, one dreary evening, I found myself surrounded by a selection of world-class and award-winning vibrators, wands, g-spot massagers, clit suckers and glass dils, ready to take on the luxury market.

In my bedroom, surrounded by what can only be described as a haul of the most indulgent proportions, I spent two weeks testing each and every one, to find out which ones are better left out of your shopping basket, and which ones give you bang for your buck.

First up is the Womanizer. Made popular by Lily Allen, the Womanizer is a premium bit of kit. And, it doesn’t disappoint. For a clit sucker, it has seriously rumbly vibes, and within 10 seconds my soul has left my body in a back-bending orgasm.

If you’re looking for a very quiet toy, this one is pretty good unless you like things turned up to 11. Nevertheless, it’s easy to see why this has the price tag it does, and as much as I hate to be unfaithful to my regular, it does leave it in the dust.

Next up is Lelo Sona 2 Travel, which is more compact. This palm-sized powerhouse delivers, in and out of the bath, which I loved. It’s super quiet and has a much more focussed head which, for me, works out well if you’re looking to get off quickly.

While these two come in at a pricey £169 and £89 respectively, they certainly feel worth it. However, if you’re looking for something more affordable, then my old fave the Satisfyer 2.0 is a great option, as is Cindy from HANX, (£47.95 and £59.99).

Last up, is the bullet-cum-oral-sex-simulator Amour from Je Joue. This is unlike anything I’ve used before. Coming in at a pretty reasonable £59.99, the silicone is super soft and, with various settings aside, is an extremely versatile toy.

This would be perfect for someone who prefers a slow build and a fluttery sensation, rather than something more intense (sensitive girlies, I’m looking at you). However, I found turning it on its side delivered targeted vibrations that ended in leg-shaking pleasure.

For me, the clear winner was the Womanizer, which in all honesty, I haven’t been able to put down.

Strap in, folks.

On my list to try was the *stunning* Biird X PURE Gii vibrator, and when I tell you this toy is quiet, I mean whisper quiet. Clocking in at £90, this g-spot massager is slim fitting, with a perfectly angled head. It’s not too long and is great for someone who doesn’t necessarily need to feel “full” to reach climax. It’s also quite tame. Think, less rumble, more fizz.

While I didn’t love this toy, it certainly came down to preference rather than the design or strength. If you love collecting toys that have gorgeous designs, then it’s definitely worth the cash.

Up next was Hot Octopuss’ Kurv. This is a deep, dual-motor toy which has fantastic customisation for a really personalised feel, so you can switch it up depending on what kind of mood you’re in. Coming in at £89.95, this baddie really blew me away and is without a doubt worth the investment.

If you’re looking for something that sits somewhere between the two in terms of buzz, has a pliable and slim feel, and comes in a little cheaper, then the Lennon by Knude Society (£60) is a great option.

Now, my trusty LoveHoney wand might be strong enough to make my entire bed rock, but opening up my package from LeWand was about to rock my entire world.

Unlike my trusty plug-in, the head is soft and smooth and still delivers deep, rumbling sensations. It’s a lot quieter too. A lot. There are also no cords to get tangled up in either as it can be used completely wirelessly, though I don’t think it’s as powerful. In any case, it’s the first wand I’ve found that rivals my LoveHoney wand.

I love wands. They’re great for solo play, but they’re brilliant partner play companions too, because — to put it frankly, it’s hard to miss with them. They have a broad head, and can be used on all kinds of genitals. So whoever your partner is, you can make sure they (and you) are having a blast.

LeWand is an investment at £129.99. But my god, what an investment it is. If you’re unsure about parting with that much cash, then the £54 LoveHoney wand is a perfectly good substitute.

I’ve never been a huge fan of bullet vibrators — and honestly, I’ve overlooked them. But, I’m not above saying I’m wrong. Especially when it comes to three bullets in particular. The So Divine Amour Lipstick Vibrator (£30), Love Not War’s Maya (£89.99) and Hot Octopuss Digit (£59.95).

Maya’s weight made it a really lovely toy to hold, and the cold metal was a pleasure to warm up against — if you like that kind of thing. Plus, it’s made from sustainable materials, which makes this a truly guilt-free wank. Whereas the Digit made it easy to use my whole hand and the toy thanks to its accessible design. But, what came up trumps for me was the Amour.

Top tip: Pair the bullet vibe with a glass toy from LoveHoney’s range for a perfect temperature play-cum-vibey duo.

Nothing could prepare me for Je Joue’s Hera Flex (£109). Now, I love a rabbit toy, but I’ve never used one quite like this. The soft silicone is pliable, which means you can get the toy to fit you, rather than trying to fit it. It was so easy to slip into a hazy, glowy vibe, emerging pink-cheeked and gasping. To be quite honest, it’s the best rabbit I’ve ever used.

However, coming in a close second was So Divine’s Black Magic Vibrator for one reason. Its shape is fuller. To me, this felt like a much more natural design, and the handle is easy to hold, too. It also comes in at a fraction of the cost at just £65.

My least favourite, which I was surprised by, was the Lelo Enigma. No doubt, for the right kind of anatomy — this would be a body-bending toy. But I found it an awkward fit and it cost a whopping £189.

OK, so I couldn’t. But, here’s my top four.

LeWand, Hera and Sona 2 Travel and Amour. If you’re looking for guaranteed pleasure, these should be added straight to basket.

As for whether they’re worth the cash. Yes, and no.

The thing is, pleasure to me should be accessible. And, while all of these toys were deliciously indulgent, made from the smoothest of body-safe silicones; are waterproof and are rechargeable, there are plenty of cheaper toys on the market that will get you to where you want to get to. Plus, there’s no shame in rubbing up against a couch arm, using your hands or a shower head.

So, if you’re building your toy box, trying sex toys for the first time or unsure of what you like, my advice would be to start with something affordable. Explore different sensations and tap into what makes solo sex feel so good before making a hefty investment. Then, when you’re feeling a little bit more confident in what you know you enjoy, treat yourself to something off this list. You won’t regret it.

For the wanking pros amongst us, a little bit of luxury never hurt anyone and there’s something to be said for a toy that not only performs well but looks gorgeous. We eat with our eyes, after all.

Whatever you decide to use in the bedroom, engaging with your sexual wellness and connecting with your pleasure can only be a good thing. Luxury sex toy, or no.