A few months ago, a video went viral in which French content creator Éros Brousson offered his take on what it’s like to date a woman who values her peace.

“Some women have been single for so long, they don’t date anymore,” the 25-year-old says in the clip. “They grant you access to their peaceful little empire like a reluctant queen handing you a visitor’s badge.”

“You plan a cute date, she’s thinking, ‘That sounds nice, but also, I could stay home, deep clean my apartment, do a 12-step skin care routine, order sushi, and not have to listen to a man breathe,’” he jokes.

As a straight guy, he argued, you’re competing not with other men, but with a woman’s inner peace.

The video touched a nerve with single women in the comments ― women are sick and tired of an algorithm-filled dating world (rightfully so) and more than satisfied on their own.

The video called to mind a quote from British poet Warsan Shire that you probably saved on Pinterest at some point, if you’re a millennial: “My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude.”

It also reminded me of the still-continuing 2024 trend of women committing to going “boysober”: In other words, taking an extended break from sex and men as a form of self-care.

“This video is hitting home for single women because, for the first time in human history, women have the social and economic opportunity to be single over settling for an emotionally lacklustre relationship,” said Lily Womble, a dating coach and author of “Thank You, More Please: A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love.”

Women not having to settle in order to gain economic mobility is a relatively new phenomenon, Womble said. It was only 50 years ago that women first had the chance to get a credit card without her husband’s or father’s permission.

Some men may have an emotional skills gap to fill before they can compete with a woman’s inner peace, the dating coach said.

“My clients are now using ‘Do they go to therapy?’ as a qualifying and disqualifying question before going on a first date,” she said. “They want someone who is emotionally intelligent and working on their own growth.”

We’re not here to drag men, though. Given how inhospitable, if not downright hostile, the dating climate is, it’s understandable that both women and men would want a timeout. But it also kind of makes you wonder: If we really are in the midst of a loneliness crisis, might it in part be because people are benching their desires for connection, and if that’s the case, isn’t that a tiny bit depressing?

In a recent YouTube essay, Ashley Embers, a YouTuber with over 155,000 subscribers, made a broader but adjacent argument: “How Gen Z protected their peace too hard and now has no one,” she titled the video, in which she explores how individualism and the shift of our social lives online has left some of us pretty lonely.

Embers points to videos that populate so many For You pages on TikTok: the kinds of videos in which young people talk about going to bed at 9, being in their “protecting [their] peace era” and claim that they “don’t owe anyone anything” and “will cut people out” with a quickness the first time someone steps out of line.

Not compromising any element of yourself or your needs for the sake of being coupled is healthy, but if your goal is to one day have a relationship, eliminating yourself from the dating game probably isn’t the move, said Liz Higgins, a therapist and founder of Millennial Life Counseling in Dallas, Texas.

“Protecting your peace could also be shielding a fear of vulnerability or letting oneself experience the full spectrum of relational experiences,” she said. “Even good relationships aren’t perfect, and relationships are teachers.”

Higgins also thinks the aforementioned TikTok influencers can make it seem like boundaries need to be rigid and absolute.

Certainly, in some cases, we need to put up clear walls when there are instances of abuse or lack of safety, she said.

“But some people may close off too soon before the important work of moving through adversity, building resilience, learning to experience repair with others, can occur,” she said. “These situations are also pivotal to our mental and relational wellness; we must learn to do these things and cannot just play it safe through life.”

The true power of taking a break and “protecting your peace” lies in creating space for being clear-eyed and focused on what you want and who you are, said Clare Cui, a life coach who works primarily with women.

“It allows you to understand your baseline of peace, engage in deeper introspection, and truly identify what brings you happiness and joy outside of a relationship context,” Cui said.

But she’s also learned personally (and through her clients) that stepping away from dating isn’t always a magic cure-all for finding peace in dating or relationships.

“I found it can be a common trap many fall into, myself included, if the underlying issues aren’t addressed,” Cui said. “I initially believed that simply not dating would somehow make my problems ― poof ― vanish.”

It would never actually work out that way, though, she said. “When I’d take a break, I’d feel good on my own, but the same issues and challenges would always resurface when I’d start dating again because, low and behold, ‘Hi, I’m the drama. It’s me,’” she added.

“There really needs to be intentional self-reflection and awareness of our own wounds or defence mechanisms for ‘protecting your peace’ to work,” Cui said.

Jennifer Bartlett-Phelps, a 45-year-old from Indianapolis, dipped out of dating because it all felt sort of lopsided.

“In my experience, men require a ton of emotional energy from women but rarely give back at the same level,” Bartlett-Phelps said.

“I’m working a day job, running a business and building a YouTube channel,” she told us. “I don’t have the capacity to emotionally prop up someone who isn’t giving the same energy back.”

The only con she really sees is that she may be “alone” in her golden years, but “alone” is relative ― she has plenty of single friends she foresees spending time with, a la “The Golden Girls.”

“We are social creatures, so friendship is super important for most of us to thrive. But I don’t believe a romantic relationship is necessary for one to be truly happy,” she said. “I’ve been single for 10 years now and it’s the happiest I’ve ever been.”

Samantha Vigneau, a 33-year-old from Detroit, said you have to ask yourself if you’re truly protecting your peace.

“If you find yourself retreating from dating out of fear, insecurity or anxiety, this may be unconsciously sabotaging your dating life,” she said.

Vigneau thinks you also have to toss out the reductive belief that “no good men exist” and trust that you’ll find a worthwhile match.

“We attract what we believe, so I personally have this mantra of ‘there are plenty of great men out there’ and ‘the relationship that is for me will find me at the right time,’” she said.

The only con of taking a break is how habit-forming your alone time can be, said Bruna Nessif, a 37-year-old writer and life coach from Southern California.

“When your life is no longer intermingled with another, you get to call all the shots,” she said. “You don’t have to experience the triggers that can arise with dating. That can get addicting. It feels good, but it can also become a coping mechanism to bypass the unconscious fear of losing control.”

Sometimes, dating feels like gazing into an unforgiving mirror, Nessif said. Meeting new people ― seeing yourself through new eyes and knowing that they’re making a value judgment on you ― often leads to you reflecting on your place in the world, and what’s actually going on internally and emotionally for you.

“Sometimes, it’s just easier to not put yourself in a position to look,” she said.

Nessif has found a nice, happy medium, though. She’s single but open to “pleasant surprises.”

“The truth is, both men and women have been using relationships as a crutch to the pain they refuse to face within themselves, and it re-creates a cycle of harm until we decide to do something different,” she said. “I’ve learned that I can’t control other people, but I can control what I entertain and what I believe I’m worthy of.”