‘I Pooped In A Secret Way’: 27 Funny Tweets That Perfectly Sum Up Life With Toddlers

Life with toddlers is a real rollercoaster – one moment they’re telling you they love you, the next they’re mooing at you as you step out of the shower.

Fast forward two hours and they’re prostrate on the floor, screaming at you because you wouldn’t let them lick your shoe.

While they can be pretty harsh sometimes – and totally unreasonable – their brutal honesty and innocent outlook on life often brings plenty of laughs to the table, too.

These tweets sum up just how chaotic life can be with young children – and while we do love a moan as parents, we also know we wouldn’t have it any other way.

1. Where did you hide the poo?!

2. My child loves me… but also pizza.

3. Today in questions you never thought you’d ask yourself: Why is there a car under my back?

4. Hi sweetie. Please stop licking mummy’s face.

5. This parent was probably quite relieved they didn’t get to see their toddler’s carol concert IRL.

6. When your toddler is mad because they can’t do something (that also happens to be impossible)…

7. Get this toddler on The Apprentice.

8. Out of the mouth of babes (and all that).

9. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. But with the word penis.

10. This two-year-old ran the dishwasher undetected and empty for an entire hour.

11. Imagine being demoted from Your Majesty to Mom Face. Cruel cruel world.

12. Does anyone else’s toddler run like this?

13. Another reason why toddlers get mad: they can’t eat raw food.

14. This toddler wanted to go and buy some more milk for boobies. Then things got a bit dark.

15. Why do all toddlers line up toys like this?

16. Who doesn’t love getting sick 17 times a month?

17. This toddler requested their pear is cut into rectangles and nobody has time for this.

18. Feelings = hurt.

19. When you find out the nation’s favourite coffee chain doesn’t sell books.

20. We’re just wondering why any parent would do this to themselves?

21. WFH and looking after toddlers is a real hoot (said no one ever).

22. This tweet is perfection.

23. Two going on… 42?

24. Admittedly they can be cute.

25. But then in the next breath they can be stone cold.

26. This toddler is going places. (Mainly the steakhouse next door.)

27. We’ll just leave this here…

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Could ‘Space Karen’ Be One Of Twitter’s Last Great Moments?

Elon Musk being trolled as “space Karen” has spawned potentially the last great moment on Twitter – that’s if the dire predictions are to be believed.

On the day hundreds of Twitter employees were estimated to have quit the beleaguered company following a Thursday deadline from Musk that staffers sign up for “long hours at high intensity” or leave, someone across the street from the firm’s San Francisco headquarters projected a news-ticker style message on the building.

It included descriptions of the self-styled Chief Twit as “bankruptcy baby”, “mediocre manchild” and “petulant pimple” among others.

Gia Vang, an NBC Bay Area reporter, attributed the messages to an individual calling themself “a projection activist”.

It was “space Karen” – a reference to Musk’s inter-galactic ambitions and the archetypal woman with a fondness for asking to see the manager – that stood out.

Regardless of who was behind the prank, Twitter users were delighted.

If the doomsayers are right, it could be one the last hurrahs on the site.

Given the strife brought on by Musk’s arrival, Twitter users have been bidding farewell to the platform by way of comedy and memes following the mass resignations.

The trends #RIPTwitter, #GoodByeTwitter and #TwitterDown were among a number of hashtags and posts that users made to pay homage to the platform late Thursday and Friday morning.

And in a sign things really aren’t going well, Musk emailed Twitter staff on Friday asking that any employees who write software code report to the 10th floor of the office in San Francisco, Reuters reported.

The billionaire said in a follow-up email, “If possible, I would appreciate it if you could fly to SF to be present in person”, adding he would be at the company’s headquarters until midnight and would return Saturday morning.

It comes after the company had told employees it would close its offices and cut badge access until Monday, according to Reuters.

Musk’s first three weeks as Twitter’s owner have been marked by rapid change and chaos. He quickly fired Twitter’s previous CEO and other senior leaders and then laid off half its staff earlier this month.

Musk wrote on Twitter late on Thursday that he was not worried about resignations as “the best people are staying”.

The newest departures mean the platform is losing workers just at it gears up for the FIFA World Cup, which begins on Sunday. It’s one of Twitter’s busiest events, when tweet surges heavily stress its systems.

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Elon Musk Begins Mass Layoffs At Twitter

Mass layoffs have begun at Twitter, where reports suggest upward of 50% of the social media site’s jobs ― roughly 3,700 ― could be eliminated.

Employees received a message on Thursday evening notifying them that layoffs were beginning, according to The New York Times. They were told not to come to the office on Friday.

Twitter employees began tweeting about their experiences as some said their access had already been cut off, probably as a precursor to being fired.

The drastic cuts coincide with other HR-focused directives, including plans to scrap the company’s work-from-anywhere policy, which affects some 1,500 employees. Those unwilling or unable to relocate to a physical office will likely contribute to the job loss totals.

There’s already been a lawsuit filed over the job cuts. In a suit seeking class-action status filed Thursday in San Francisco federal court, workers say Twitter is conducting the layoffs in violation of federal and California law by not giving enough notice, Bloomberg reported.

Friday marks the end of Elon Musk’s turbulent first week running Twitter, where the world’s richest man has embarked on a frantic mission to cut costs and find new revenue streams to keep the company afloat.

Soon after he took over, Twitter cut off access to some content moderation and policy enforcement tools, curtailing employees’ ability to moderate hate speech and misinformation, Bloomberg reports.

The early chaos has unsettled advertisers, with major brands pulling ads from the site while they await a more coherent vision for what, exactly, Musk envisions ― and how he intends to moderate the platform.

In a tweet on Friday amid the mass firings, Musk blamed “activist groups” for the mayhem and the corresponding “massive drop” in advertising, and attempted to portray advertisers as enemies of free speech.

Musk’s acquisition deal saddled Twitter with $13 billion in debt (and made Saudi Arabia the company’s second-largest investor). As a result, the company, which has never regularly turned a profit, will now have to pay about $1 billion a year in interest expenses alone.

So far, potential monetisation schemes have included charging users a monthly fee to be verified and allowing users to charge for video content, which would effectively set up Twitter as an OnlyFans competitor.

It’s unclear how much money either approach might actually generate. Indeed, if poorly executed, the latter option could prove quite costly.

And many users who are already verified have balked at being asked to pay for the blue check mark. While verification has come to be viewed as a status symbol on the platform, its original (and far more important) purpose was to cut down on rampant misinformation.

Author Stephen King summed it up succinctly in an exchange with Musk himself this week.

“$20 a month to keep my blue check?” King tweeted Monday to his 6.9 million followers. “Fuck that, they should pay me. If that gets instituted, I’m gone like Enron.”

“We need to pay the bills somehow!” Musk responded. “Twitter cannot rely entirely on advertisers. How about $8?”

Remarkably, Twitter employees told The Washington Post they haven’t heard from Musk or received any form of official communication from Twitter leadership since the deal closed on October 27 ― even after Musk fired many of Twitter’s top executives, including CEO Parag Agrawal and the rest of the C-suite.

Somewhere amid the madness of the week, Musk also found time to spread a false conspiracy theory on Twitter about the assassination attempt on House Speaker Nancy Pelosi that left her husband with severe injuries. He quietly deleted the tweet hours later.

Liza Hearon contributed to this article.

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CORRECTION: No Evidence Of Change In Kanye West’s Twitter Account Status

CORRECTION:

A previous version of this story said that Ye, the rapper formerly known as Kanye West, regained control of his Twitter account Friday after it was suspended following antisemitic remarks he made on several social media accounts.

However, it remains unclear if the rapper has access to post on the platform, or if the account was ever listed as “suspended” (meaning the tweets were not visible).

As of Friday afternoon, there had been no new posts on the account since Oct. 8.

PREVIOUSLY:

Ye, the rapper formerly known as Kanye West, regained control of his Twitter account Friday after it was suspended following antisemitic remarks he made on several social media accounts.

Earlier this month, Ye threatened on Twitter to “go death con 3 on JEWISH PEOPLE.”

Ye later told Piers Morgan he was “absolutely not” sorry for his comments. His lifted suspension from Twitter comes within a day of billionaire Elon Musk taking control of the website.

“Welcome back to Twitter my friend,” Musk had previously tweeted to Ye on Oct. 8, the same day he posted the antisemitic tweet.

Following Ye’s remarks on Twitter, the rapper and fashion designer was dropped by several sponsors including Balenciaga, JPMorgan, Gap and Vogue. And just days after claiming he “can say antisemitic things and Adidas can’t drop me,” the shoe company ended its partnership with Ye, resulting in a $1.5 billion drop in his net worth and his removal from Forbes’ list of billionaires.

Hours before Ye’s Twitter account was reactivated, Musk tweeted “the bird is free” and “let the good times roll.”

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Elon Musk Offers To Buy Twitter For Second Time

Twitter has confirmed that Elon Musk has offered to buy the company for a second time this year.

The website said in a statement that it plans to agree to the offer at 54.20 dollars (£47.23) per share, the same price Musk previously put forward.

The total value of the deal would be 44 billion dollars (£38.3 billion).

A spokesperson for Twitter said: “We received the letter from the Musk parties which they have filed with the SEC. The intention of the company is to close the transaction at 54.20 dollars per share.”

Earlier this year, the SpaceX founder offered to purchase the company but pulled out in July.

Lawyers for Musk said it was due to the platform “not complying with its contractual obligations” surrounding the deal, namely giving him enough information to “make an independent assessment of the prevalence of fake or spam accounts on Twitter’s platform”.

Twitter said in response it was “committed to closing the transaction” and launched legal action.

A month later, in a published court document, Twitter accused Musk of “looking for an excuse” to get out of the deal, with the firm calling Musk’s accusations “factually inaccurate, legally insufficient, and commercially irrelevant”.

The stalled takeover was due to head to trial in the US later this month.

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Treasury Minister Dunked On For Premature Celebration Of Rising Pound

The chief secretary to the Treasury has faced online ridicule after celebrating the rise in the pound – just before it repeatedly dropped to a 37-year low.

Chris Philp, second in command to chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng, seemed thrilled as sterling rose against the US dollar briefly as his boss unveiled his mini-budget.

He tweeted: “Great to see sterling strengthening on the back of the new UK Growth Plan.”

But once the markets digested what amounted to tax cuts costing up to £45 billion annually, the currency went in reverse.

At its lowest point on Friday afternoon £1 could buy just 1.0896 US dollars – the worst exchange rate for Britons since 1985.

It was a drop of over 3%, and means the pound has lost more than 7% of its value against the dollar in just a month.

Twitter was in unforgiving mood.

Appearing on the BBC later, Philp said the markets will see that the government has a “credible and responsible” economic plan

He told BBC Radio 4’s PM programme: “I think when the chancellor sets out his medium-term fiscal plan, which includes getting debt to GDP falling, then I think markets and others will see that we have a credible and responsible plan.”.

He also insisted the government has a “plan” to drive up GDP by 1% on current forecasts every year.

“I have every confidence that the objective we set out, the extra 1%, will be delivered. We’re not hoping, we’ve got a plan to do it.”

Philp rejected the idea that the government has abandoned the cautious approach to the public finances taken by previous Tory administrations.

Using more than £70 billion of increased borrowing, Kwarteng on Friday set out a package which included abolishing the top rate of income tax for the highest earners.

He cut stamp duty for homebuyers, and brought forward a cut to the basic rate of income tax, to 19p in the pound, a year early, to April, as part of tax cuts costing up to £45 billion annually.

Kwarteng told the Commons tax cuts are “central to solving the riddle of growth” as he confirmed plans to axe the cap on bankers’ bonuses while adding restrictions to the welfare system.

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Nadine Dorries Stuns Twitter By Deleting Her Account

Nadine Dorries has stunned Twitter by appearing to delete her account.

The former culture secretary sparked numerous rows with controversial posts attacking her political opponents.

But visitors to her Twitter feed were today greeted with the message: “This account doesn’t exist.”

Nadine Dorries appears to have deleted her account.
Nadine Dorries appears to have deleted her account.

The surprise move comes just two weeks after the Mid Bedfordshire MP – a staunch ally of Boris Johnson – quit the cabinet.

New prime minister Liz Truss had offered her the chance to retain her digital, culture, media and sport brief, but she decided to leave the government amid speculation she could be made a peer in Johnson’s resignation honours list.

Dorries had earned a large Twitter following thanks her pugnacious approach to defending her political views.

In July, she sparked a full-scale Tory civil war over her attacks on Truss’s leadership rival, Rishi Sunak.

Attacking the multi-millionaire former chancellor’s expensive wardrobe, Dorries tweeted: “Liz Truss will be travelling the country wearing her earrings which cost circa £4.50 from Claire’s Accessories.

“Meanwhile…Rishi visits Teeside in Prada shoes worth £450 and sported £3,500 bespoke suit as he prepared for crunch leadership vote.”

It forced her Tory colleague Angela Richardson MP to respond: “FFS Nadine! Muted.”

The same month, she retweeted an image which showed Sunak as Brutus stabbing Boris Johnson as Brutus in the back in the back.

Dorries’s decision to delete her account drew astonishment from Twitter users.

Although others believe it may be linked to her impending elevation to the House of Lords.

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No, Boris Johnson Didn’t Advise Buying A New £20 Kettle To Save Money On Electricity Bills

Boris Johnson has finally spoken up about the cost of living crisis, although even his well-intentioned speech has not landed among his online critics.

But, the clip going viral on Twitter has been taken out of context.

Here’s what you need to know.

What happened?

On Thursday, during his final public speech as the prime minister, Johnson was praising the virtues of nuclear power.

He said he would be assigning £700 million funding for a new nuclear plant to improve the UK’s energy security, and tried to explain how it might seem more expensive now to install but it would pay off in the long-run.

He claimed that if Hinkley Point C nuclear power station (in Somerset) were running now, it would be cutting “our national fuel bills by £3 billion”.

He explained: “Nuclear always looks – when you begin – relatively expensive to build and to run, But look at what’s happening today, look at the results of Putin’s war. It is certainly cheap by comparison with hydrocarbons.”

He then made this analogy: “If you have an old kettle that takes ages to boil, it may cost you £20 to replace it, but it will save you £10 a year every year, on your electricity bill.”

However, this last sentence was taken out of context on social media, and was widely mocked for appearing like real, cost of living advice.

Why did people react so strongly to the clip?

Had this been real advice, it would have meant saving £10 a year – this is just 0.28% of the £3,549 energy price cap set to kick in for the average household from October 1.

This increase is set to exacerbate a crisis already gripping the UK, as it is an 80% leap compared to the already high current energy price cap of £1,971.

An extra three million people into poverty this winter as a result, according to the Resolution Foundation.

So, understandably, people weren’t keen on letting the prime minister – who has been accused of being missing in action since he resigned at the start of July – off the hook when they believed it was genuine advice.

Has Johnson been forthcoming throughout the cost of living crisis?

Well, not exactly.

Johnson has faced repeated scrutiny for not engaging with the cost of living crisis ever since he resigned back at the start of July.

The government also decided it would not be making any financial decisions for the rest of Johnson’s time in office, despite the speed at which the cost of living crisis is worsening.

Since he quit, the prime minister has gone on holiday twice, avoided essential Cobra meetings and moved to the grace-and-favour country home in Chequers.

In the meantime, iInflation has soared to 10.1%, the fastest rate of increase for 40 years, and could even jump beyond 18% according to forecasts from Citi investment bank.

Only last October, the prime minister had tried to quell any worries about inflation by claiming such fears were “unfounded”.

Neither of his potential successors, Rishi Sunak or Liz Truss, have outlined coherent plans to tackle the crisis.

But Johnson claimed on Thursday that further government help was on the way.

Speaking in Suffolk, the prime minister said: “We’re helping people now with the cost of living and of course there will be more cash to come, whoever takes over from me, in the months ahead – substantial sums, that’s absolutely clear.”

He claimed that it was “clear that come the new administration, there is going to be a further package”, because “we have the fiscal firepower to sort it out.”

So, what was he actually saying about nuclear power?

The energy crisis stems from Europe’s reliance on Russia’s supplies. Since Moscow launched its invasion into Ukraine, the west has been adding a growing list of sanctions against Russia and has been trying to wean itself off its oil and gas exports.

Russia has also been squeezing the amount of energy it sends to Europe to leverage the west over its continual support for Ukraine.

So, Johnson’s decision to back nuclear energy comes at a time when the UK desperately needs new energy sources.

His speech at the new reactor at the Sizewell site in Suffolk could power the equivalent of around six million homes once built.

However, as Johnson leaves office on Tuesday, it’s not clear if the building will go ahead. Downing Street has not provided any more details about the funding according to PA news agency and EDF energy company (meant to be in partnership with the plant) did not respond.

The total cost of the project could be around £20 billion, and would not start generating electricity until around the 2030s.

Still, nuclear is considered a feasible alternative to fossil fuels.

Johnson also took aim at previous governments (led by both Tony Blair and Gordon Brown) for not injecting funding into it sooner – even though the Tories have been in power for 12 years now.

“So no more national myopia,” he concluded. “No more short-termism, let’s think about the future, let’s think about our kids and our grandchildren, about the next generation.”

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24 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life

And somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.

Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 24 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

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Why Does Elon Musk Want To Buy Twitter?

Elon Musk, the richest person in the world, has offered to buy Twitter for more than 40 billion dollars (£30.5 billion) in a move that prompted the same question across the world: why?

The billionaire Tesla and SpaceX boss has proposed buying “100% of Twitter for $54.20 per share in cash”, valuing the company at $41.39 billion.

The 50-year-old, whose bid comes soon after he bought a 9% stake in Twitter and said he would join the board, believes changes are needed in order to help the site thrive and better support free speech.

In just ten days, Musk has gone from popular Twitter contributor to the company’s largest individual shareholder to a would-be owner of the social platform — a whirlwind of activity that could change the service dramatically given Musk’s self-identification as a “free speech absolutist”.

Who is Elon Musk?

Musk, 50, has an estimated $273.6 billion (£209.21 billion) fortune that makes him the wealthiest person in the world, worth $92.3 billion (£70.58 billion) more than runner-up Jeff Bezos. Musk was born in Pretoria, South Africa, to a Canadian mother and South African father and later attended the University of Pennsylvania, where he graduated in 1997.

With a stable of businesses ranging from electric cars to private rocket ships, Musk did not found Tesla, which he has led from 2008. But his insight that the firm’s electric cars should be high-performance machines with sophisticated, smartphone-style software revolutionised the global auto business, prompting established companies to try to catch up while spurring new, all-electric competitors. Wall Street values Tesla at more than $1 trillion – more than all three Detroit car makers, plus Toyota Motor Corp, combined.

At the same time, his company SpaceX, has upended the space launch industry by developing rockets capable of putting satellites into space and returning to Earth for re-use.

Perhaps more than any other person, Musk has helped bring bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies into the mainstream, with Tesla holding about $2 billion in bitcoin on its balance sheet and the company among the few to accept dogecoin as payment.

Musk and Twitter

Twitter helped Musk become a household name. He has 81 million followers and built a pop culture following large enough to help him earn a spot hosting the venerable US comedy TV show Saturday Night Live in 2021.

Musk has used Twitter to go after investors, and he posts on everything from Dad jokes to polls on what he should do with his gains from Tesla’s surging stock price.

<img class="img-sized__img landscape" loading="lazy" alt="Elon Musk speaks at the Tesla Giga Texas manufacturing "Cyber Rodeo" grand opening party in Austin, Texas.” width=”720″ height=”480″ src=”https://www.wellnessmaster.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/why-does-elon-musk-want-to-buy-twitter-3.jpg”>
Elon Musk speaks at the Tesla Giga Texas manufacturing “Cyber Rodeo” grand opening party in Austin, Texas.

SUZANNE CORDEIRO via Getty Images

While Twitter’s user base remains much smaller than those of rivals such as Facebook and TikTok, the service is popular with celebrities, world leaders, journalists and intellectuals. Musk’s followers rival pop stars such as Ariana Grande and Lady Gaga.

What’s been going on?

Musk began buying Twitter stock in earnest only a few months ago.

Earlier this month, it was announced he had bought a 9% stake and would join the board, only for Twitter chief executive Parag Agrawal to confirm that Musk had changed his mind just days later.

Now the billionaire entrepreneur has offered to buy the company outright.

In his offer letter to Bret Taylor, chairman of the Twitter board, Musk said he had invested in the social media platform “as I believe in its potential to be the platform for free speech around the globe, and I believe free speech is a societal imperative for a functioning democracy”, but added “since making my investment I now realize the company will neither thrive nor serve this societal imperative in its current form”.

He said the move was his “best and final offer” and if not accepted the billionaire “would need to reconsider my position as a shareholder”.

Twitter has confirmed it has received the offer and said it will now consider it.

How could Twitter look?

Much of Musk’s vocal criticism of Twitter over recent weeks has centred around his belief that it falls short on free speech principles. The social media platform has angered followers of Donald Trump and other far-right political figures who’ve had their accounts suspended for violating its content standards on violence, hate or harmful misinformation.

Musk also has a history of his own tweets causing legal problems. He has previously run into problems with US regulators at the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) over his own tweets, having been accused of breaching trading rules when tweeting about his business interests.

<img class="img-sized__img landscape" loading="lazy" alt="Elon Musk, second from left, on Saturday Night Live.” width=”720″ height=”480″ src=”https://www.wellnessmaster.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/why-does-elon-musk-want-to-buy-twitter-4.jpg”>
Elon Musk, second from left, on Saturday Night Live.

NBC via Getty Images

Musk has also been accused of tweeting misinformation about Covid-19 after posting in March 2020 that children were “essentially immune” to the disease.

The entrepreneur outlined some specific potential changes on Thursday — like favouring temporary rather than permanent bans — but has mostly described his aim in broad and abstract terms.

“I believe free speech is a societal imperative for a functioning democracy,” Musk said in the filing. “I now realise the company will neither thrive nor serve this societal imperative in its current form. Twitter needs to be transformed as a private company.”

Some believe a Musk takeover could mean a return to the platform for Trump and others, but reinstating those users would be a highly controversial move and could bring further scrutiny to the company and its approach to moderation, just as major new regulation for the sector is on the horizon.

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