Category Archives: mums

Mums Are Sharing When The Mental Load Peaks – And I’m Exhausted Just Thinking About It

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If you’re a parent, particularly a mother, you’ll likely be well acquainted with the mental load – or as UCLA Health describes it, the “behind-the-scenes, cognitive and emotional work needed to manage a household”.

Studies have found mums take on 71% of all household mental load tasks (in comparison to dads, who take on 45%), ranging from planning meals and arranging activities to managing household finances.

The impact of this unequal division of tasks, which can often go unnoticed, is not to be underestimated. “It can lead to stress, burnout and even impact women’s careers. In many cases, resentment can build, creating strain between couples,” political scientist Dr Ana Catalano Weeks said.

The weight of the mental load can vary dramatically over the years, depending on a range of factors including the age of your kids, their needs at the time and how many hobbies they have.

One parent took to Reddit recently to ask whether other mums felt there was an age where the mental load peaked.

“I have two kids, different school ages so in two different schools and schedules,” she said. “The mental load feels substantially larger than when they were smaller and only dealing with baby and toddler stages.”

The overarching theme was that there were two key peaks: the baby and toddler years; and then the tween years. But it turns out even university-age kids can come with their fair share of admin, too.

The baby and toddler peak

As a member of this camp, I can wholeheartedly say the mental load is exhausting – especially when you’re breastfeeding, as it’s not something you can technically “hand over”.

Similarly, keeping a child from harming themselves 24/7 (we’re currently in the climb everything and try-to-throw-ourselves-down-the-stairs phase of toddlerhood) is tiring.

Then there’s the sheer amount of sickness young kids have – and trying to juggle that around work, and who needs to take which day off to look after who, or who needs to be calling family members for backup childcare – as well as all the cleaning, weaning, and having to take the entire house with you when you go out anywhere for a significant period of time (aka more than 20 minutes).

One mum of four children aged 15, 18, 20 and 24 said the toddler years were “the worst” in terms of mental load.

Another parent noted they experienced “two mental load peaks” which had “very different flavours”, one of which was the baby and toddlerhood peak, “which was very much about keeping them alive and uninjured”.

They continued: “A lot of my mental energy was consumed by constant feeding, cleaning, and supervision of irrational creatures with no self-preservation instinct.” Told you.

But the tween years are also hard

The same mum added: “There was another mental load peak in the preteen years. This one was more about keeping everything on the rails. It was a combo of puberty issues like hygiene resistance and emotional meltdowns, and admin issues like keeping track of school schedules, projects, activities, trips, and social engagements.

“It started to settle down for us in high school, when the kids are more reliably handling their own personal, school, and social stuff.”

Another parent agreed that tweens require a lot of extra organisation: “As a parent of teens and tweens, I think there is more mental load for tweens. I’m still texting/arranging with other parents, still in charge of signing them up for things and transportation to/from everywhere, and still needing to support school a lot more.”

Older teens

Some parents did find that even with older children – we’re talking college-age kids and young adults – their mental load peaked.

“Mine are 17 and 22,” said a mother. “It’s peak emotional mental load. One is transitioning to adulthood after college and struggling to find a career. One is entering last year of high school and is anxious about the future. And I’m transitioning through perimenopause!!! It’s a very different mental load at this stage. It’s by far my worst time.”

Another parent agreed: “I can relate. I have an almost 19 year old and 21 year old. The 19 year old is starting college, and the twenty one year old has about a year and a half to go. And I am in menopause now, so my anxiety is high, and my sleep is all over the place.

“I feel like this is the hardest stage for me because they don’t listen as much to you.”

How to cope

Regardless of which stage you’re in, know that you’re certainly not alone.

If you’re struggling under the sheer weight of the mental load, UCLA Health experts have shared the following tips:

  • Speak to your partner about it and find a way to divide this invisible labour more equally. “Plan to meet weekly to review the mental labour for the upcoming week and assign those tasks,” experts suggest. There’s loads of advice on how to broach the topic here.
  • Make a daily or weekly to-do list so you can get them out of your head.
  • Set boundaries by saying “no” to things if it doesn’t work for you. Encourage older children to be independent – as the experts advise, “make them responsible for packing their own school and sports bags”.
  • Prioritise you time – that means taking rest where you can, exercising, eating well, and doing activities that fill your cup.
  • Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you’re struggling – whether that’s from your partner, friends and family members, or your GP or therapist.

Help and support:

  • Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
  • Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI – this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
  • CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
  • The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
  • Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.
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I Thought My Body Was ‘OK’ After Having 2 Kids – Then I Went For A Mummy MOT

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“I want you to squeeze 30%, then 60% and then 90% when I tell you to, OK?” said the physiotherapist, referring to my pelvic floor muscles.

“OK,” I replied, feeling a little overwhelmed. I’d walked into this appointment completely unsure of whether I knew how to do a kegel properly. Thankfully, we swiftly established that I could.

I focused as hard as I could and slowly, carefully clenched my pelvic floor muscles. I squeezed a little, then some more, and then as much as possible.

“Good,” said physiotherapist Maria Elliott. She then proceeded to tell me I was doing it properly, and my muscles were working well, but the muscle was weaker at the back than at the front.

This, she explained, is likely why I’m having occasional trouble with bladder control.

Don’t get me wrong, I can (usually) cough and sneeze and not have any problems. But ever since having two kids, if I’m physically sick, the evacuation of my stomach is usually accompanied by an evacuation of my bladder. Not ideal.

Maria Elliott founded The Mummy MOT in 2015. The specialist postnatal examination, for those who’ve had either vaginal or C-section deliveries, assesses how posture, pelvic floor muscles, and stomach muscles are recovering after childbirth.

The physiotherapist has since gone on to train around 900 practitioners so they can deliver the same service to new parents across the UK.

While I was lucky enough to attend a session with Maria for free for the purpose of understanding how they work, in central London, an hour-long consultation costs around £150 (the same price as a cut and colour at the hairdresser’s), while follow up sessions can be £200 each.

During pregnancy, it’s normal to attend multiple antenatal appointments (roughly seven to 10 depending on whether it’s your first baby or not), but once that baby is born, new mums can often feel like they’re left in the lurch.

Bar a few midwife and health visitor check-ups in the weeks after birth (usually focusing on your baby), a GP appointment at 6-8 weeks postpartum is pretty much all you get – and even that is tacked onto the baby check-up, so if the appointment runs over, you’re left with approximately five minutes to explain where your head, and body, is at.

And let’s face it, at almost eight weeks postpartum, you’re still very much healing and trying to figure out how you feel in your body and mind, all while existing on very little sleep.

I wasn’t really aware of any issues with my pelvic floor at eight weeks postpartum after my second child. It was only months later, when I caught a stomach bug, that I realised it wasn’t working like it should.

Around the same time I started noticing that if my bladder was fuller than usual, the odd sneeze would wreak havoc, too. Now I realise why a relative of mine always crosses her legs when she sneezes.

But we shouldn’t have to put up with this, stressed Maria.

I thought my pelvic floor issues weren’t that bad, and that other women had it far worse. I’ve interviewed women left with devastating bowel injuries after giving birth, so it seemed acceptable almost to just keep calm and carry on. But during my appointment, which took just over an hour, we addressed a handful of issues, spanning from sex to posture and continence.

Yasmine Ghadache, an osteopath, was also on hand to help. In a weird turn of events, the night before my appointment I somehow managed to pull a muscle in my back and was in a lot of pain – she explained it was likely as a result of me carrying my baby (now a two-stone toddler) repeatedly on one side.

She manipulated the area and within a couple of days, I was back to normal.

Both Yasmine and Maria were very knowledgeable and so passionate. Sitting with them, talking about women’s health, I dared to imagine a world where women got proper postnatal care.

The sessions are up-close-and-personal at points. To check how well my pelvic floor muscles were working, Maria popped a gloved finger into my vagina (she did ask first) and told me to squeeze – all while we had a friendly chat.

During the exam, she discovered I have a very tight internal pelvic floor muscle, which needs some follow-up work. (I’m going to be honest, I didn’t fully know what a pelvic floor muscle was before this session and now we are WELL acquainted.)

Both Maria and Yasmine made me feel incredibly comfortable throughout the process, though. It wasn’t painful at any point. I felt genuinely supported and cared for. These women clearly wanted to help me feel my best.

With a rapid national investigation into NHS maternity and neonatal services underway, it’s as clear as day that too many mothers and birthing people are not supported enough during pregnancy, birth and beyond.

Roughly one in three women experience urinary incontinence three months after pregnancy, around one in seven experience anal incontinence six months after birth, and one in 12 women report symptoms of pelvic organ prolapse.

All of these issues can affect a woman’s ability to work, as well as their sexual and social relationships, and their mental health.

Mums put everyone but themselves first, but we should also be able to stand up and say: I deserve to feel good about myself, too. If Mummy MOTs were available to every birthing parent on the NHS, well, I think we’d be unstoppable.

Alas, they’re not. But if you have had a baby – whether six weeks or six years ago – and you’ve been struggling with pelvic floor issues, or problems with separated stomach muscles or posture, I would recommend a consultation.

You deserve to have your body back – you’ve certainly given enough.

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Opinion: Karen Millen Called A Breastfeeding Mum ‘Selfish’ – Here’s Why She’s Wrong

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I’m breastfeeding my 1.5-year-old so naturally we’re probably both addicted to it and she’s going to be emotionally ruined. That’s according to Karen Millen’s logic, anyway.

In a bizarre segment on Jeremy, Storm & Vanessa On 5 this week, in which for whatever reason they thought it was OK to pass judgement on a mum’s choice to breastfeed her three-year-old, the fashion designer suggested the parent had breastfed for “far too long”.

“There’s no benefit, is there, for a child to be breastfed beyond six months really,” said Millen.

And she didn’t stop there. “I think it’s quite a selfish thing on the mother’s part,” she continued.

When Vanessa Feltz pressed her on why she thought that, Millen replied: “Well I just think, you know, that’s not good emotionally for that child.

“I mean, what does that child do later in life and the attachment and, like you said, it becomes an addiction – and an addiction for that child too because they only know the boob … and it’s just not normal is it?”

I’m no expert in breastfeeding but I have breastfed two kids and can safely say what a load of codswallop (and that’s putting it politely).

As the NHS says, breastfeeding has long-term benefits for babies, lasting right into adulthood: “Any amount of breast milk has a positive effect. The longer you breastfeed, the longer the protection lasts and the greater the benefits.”

Breastfeeding can reduce a baby’s risk of infections, and diarrhoea and vomiting (with fewer visits to hospital as a result), as well as sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), obesity and cardiovascular disease in adulthood.

The World Health Organisation adds that “breastfeeding is one of the most effective ways to ensure child health and survival”.

Not only does breastmilk provide all the energy and nutrients babies need for the first months of life, but in the second half of the first year – which is when Karen thinks we should stop whipping out the boob – it can provide up to half or more of a child’s nutritional needs.

Oh, and up to one third of their nutritional requirements during the second year of life. (But go off Karen about how there’s no benefit past six months.)

As for the emotional damage we’re inflicting, according to the American Academy of Family Physicians (AAFP) “there is no evidence that extended breastfeeding is harmful to parent or child”.

Whether a parent chooses to keep going, or stop breastfeeding, or feed their baby with formula milk, it’s ultimately their choice to do so – and they shouldn’t have to fear being shamed or slammed as “selfish” for doing so.

I’d argue that if you find it weird to see a kid breastfeeding, it probably says more about you and your feelings towards breasts than anything else.

The judgement emanating from that TV sofa – the suggestion it’s “selfish” to feed a child past a certain point, and “not good emotionally” for them – made me, as a breastfeeding mum, feel like a pariah. It was a gut punch – and I won’t be the only one who felt that.

The wrinkled noses, the scoffing, the wincing when a viewer called in and said they breastfed their child until the age of four… There is a huge stigma around extended breastfeeding. I’ve experienced it, I’ve written about it, I know it’s there.

And unhelpful – not to mention, incorrect – comments made on national TV simply add fuel to the fire. It’s yet another stick to beat mothers with. And honestly? I’m fed up of it.

If you’re not breastfeeding your baby, you’re shamed. If you are breastfeeding them past 12 months, you’re shamed. Honestly, you can’t win.

Millen has since apologised, saying: “I know I’ve upset a lot of your viewers and that was not my intention. The question was aimed at a three-year-old being breastfed and my thoughts on that and my answers reflected that, not the subject of breastfeeding…

“And as a woman to women, I do respect your choices and I do want to support you. So my apologies once again, I hope you forgive me.”

For those feeding their child and facing the comments – whether from relatives, friends or people on the TV who should know better – know that you’re not selfish, fuelling some weird boob addiction, or ruining your child emotionally.

Those who do manage to breastfeed past six months deserve a bloody medal, not the nation’s judgement.

Update: the article has been amended to include Karen Millen’s apology.

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6 ‘Invisible’ Household Tasks That Drain Mums’ Time And Energy

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Keeping a household running smoothly takes a lot of effort. There are the more obvious physical tasks like cooking meals, taking out the rubbish, folding laundry and picking the kids up from school. But it also requires a whole bunch of behind-the-scenes planning, organising, anticipating of needs, decision-making and delegating known as the mental load — an invisible kind of work.

In heterosexual relationships, most of these invisible tasks tend to fall on the mom’s shoulders, even when both partners work outside of the home. Men today may be taking on more hands-on domestic responsibilities than they have in the past, but women are still usually carrying the bulk of the mental load.

“Women aren’t just doing more labor, the labor they’re doing is mentally and emotionally taxing: anticipating and planning for how to meet the family’s needs,” Laura Danger, an educator who facilitates workshops on domestic labor, previously told HuffPost.

“When you consider, in cis-het couples, who is usually keeping the social calendar, signing kids up for summer camps and ensuring the grocery list is planned and prepared? It’s often defaulted to mom. Doctors, teachers and coaches often dial mom first. Even the vet usually calls mom before dad!”

Managing kids' clothes, for example, is a much bigger task than it might seem.

xavierarnau via Getty Images

Managing kids’ clothes, for example, is a much bigger task than it might seem.

These invisible tasks often take up way more time and energy than meets the eye. One example? Registering a child for kindergarten, which artist Mary Catherine Starr, the woman behind @momlife_comics on Instagram, just did recently for her son.

“What went into this registration was so much invisible labor,” she told HuffPost. “Keeping an eye out for when registration opened, going online to fill out all of the forms — which includes locating all sorts of paperwork and medical history— calling the registration office when a technical issue comes up on the website, booking a registration appointment to turn in the rest of the paperwork, scheduling a ‘kindergarten screening’ for the child, taking the child to said screening, texting normal child care provider about child being late to child care on registration day, and rearranging work schedule to accommodate kindergarten screening.”

“All of this takes three to five hours out of an already busy schedule, and if they’re not a part of it, their partner has no idea what went into this,” she continued. “It’s something you simply can’t understand unless you’ve lived it.”

We asked moms which invisible tasks on their plate are more taxing than they might appear. Here’s what they told us:

1. Staying on top of kids’ clothes

Lina Forrestal, a content creator and host of The New Mamas Podcast, said keeping her fast-growing baby and toddler’s wardrobes up-to-date with items that fit is a “huge challenge.”

“Everything from pants, shirts, socks and shoes,” she told HuffPost. “Then, there’s the load of having to purchase new things, and put away, donate or sell the old stuff that doesn’t fit anymore. It’s the biggest invisible time suck.”

Not only that, you also need to make sure the clothes are seasonally appropriate — i.e., ensuring you have the right-size bathing suits for summertime, and sweaters and pants that fit for the cooler months.

2. Meal planning

Caitlin Murray, the creator behind @BigTimeAdulting on Instagram, said that while there are a million items on her invisible labor to-do list, the most all-consuming one is figuring out what her family is going to eat every day. And that doesn’t just mean coming up with meal ideas, it also means finding balanced, nutritious and tasty options that all three of her kids will enjoy.

“I happen to love food, and I also care very much about the level of variety and nutrition my kids are getting. I’m not super strict ― we have plenty of treats ― but I am constantly struggling to think of new ways to get them to eat all the good stuff, too,” she told HuffPost.

“It’s also important to note that, if kids are not enjoying their food, meal time is going to be hell. I’m personally triggered when there are complaints and dissatisfaction with a meal, which is why it’s never as easy as just grocery shopping and cooking,” she added.

For comic artist Debbie Tung, it’s also taking time to carefully meal plan and create a grocery list so that she’s only buying items she knows they’ll use to avoid wasting food.

“Sometimes I prepare meals in advance if I know I’ll be very busy on a specific day,” she added. “I try to make sure my kid’s diet includes adequate fruits and vegetables daily.”

3. Keeping track of what household items are needed

This one may not seem like a monumental task on its face, but constantly staying on top of which things need to be replaced or replenished — like diapers, toiletries, cleaning supplies, snacks and pet food, just to name a few — requires a fair amount of mental work.

“Why is it usually Mom that knows what products or food items the family is running out of at any given time?” Renee Reina Grenon, host of “The Mom Room” podcast, told HuffPost. “Because, they are the ones packing lunches, making meals, packing the diaper bag, changing diapers, doing bath time, signing the permission slips for field trips, doing the laundry, doing groceries, etc. The list is never-ending.”

4. Managing school schedules, needs and communication

These tasks are just a fraction of the mental load that comes with motherhood.

LordHenriVoton via Getty Images

These tasks are just a fraction of the mental load that comes with motherhood.

For Starr, these school-related tasks entail “so much more than meets the eye.”

One example: reading all of the school emails and papers that get sent home and then taking action on anything that requires a response.

“For some of these items, that means checking my schedule to see if I can take time off of work to volunteer in a classroom or at a school event, or marking the schedule because it’s a half day or there’s a field trip or something we need to plan around,” Starr said.

“For other items that get sent home, it means making sure a child does the work associated with the handout, for example, reviewing spelling words each night or filling out a reading log that needs to be returned every Friday,” she added.

Other tasks include, but are not limited to, signing up for after-school activities, helping with school fundraisers, getting doctor’s notes for excused absences, and responding to questions or notes from teachers.

And don’t forget keeping track of special themed days or spirit weeks “ensuring that these days are on the calendar and remembered and planned for,” said Starr. “‘Is my tie-dyed shirt clean? Today is tie-dye day!’”

5. Making and keeping track of appointments

In writer and content creator CJ Kelsey’s house, she’s the one typically tasked with the scheduling and managing of appointments, she said.

“My husband will gladly take them, but I’m in charge of not only making my kids’ doctor appointments but now my parents’ as well,” she told HuffPost. “And it takes a lot of time to make the calls and a headache to keep them all organised.”

Not to mention other associated tasks like filling out the forms that may need to be completed prior to the appointment, and making sure the front desk has your up-to-date address and insurance information.

6. Attending birthday parties

Planning a birthday party for your kid can be a lot of work, but it’s a once-a-year event. However, you may be a guest at other kids’ parties a couple of times a month — or more.

“It doesn’t sound like it, but being a guest is a lot of work,” Forrestal said. “From remembering to RSVP, to buying a gift, the mental math of getting to the birthday party location on-time — usually on a weekend with other events going on.”

It’s Time To Stop Taking All Of This Domestic Labor For Granted

We shouldn’t just assume moms are going to be the default parent for virtually every facet of raising a family. Instead, let’s recognise their unseen, unpaid efforts and discuss ways to distribute tasks — especially the mental load — more equitably.

“When I was younger, my mother did so much for us while working a full-time job,” said Tung. “I never realised that or truly appreciated it until I became a mother myself and tried balancing my job, parenting, household chores and staying on top of my kid’s school work. It’s a huge mental load, and I never stop planning and thinking about what needs to be done.”

“I feel like my husband doesn’t share the same mental load,” she added. “But it would be great if more partners could see things from a mother’s perspective, and show more appreciation and willingness to help.”

“Our society loves to say that raising children is the most important job in the world — but it is never treated as such.”

– Renee Reina Grenon, host of “The Mom Room” podcast

Starr said when her husband handles a family management task that she has historically taken care of, he’ll often tell her he’s surprised it took so long to complete.

“He thinks, for some reason, that it doesn’t take as much time for me because I’m more ‘experienced’ or ‘better’ at handling these kinds of tasks, but the fact of the matter is that these tasks just take a lot of time, no matter who you are,” she said.

“And if you are carrying the entire task and all of the accompanying tasks that come along with it, managing a family and household takes a lot of time and energy. And this time and energy should not fall on the mom. It should be divided between the parents,” Starr added.

Reina Grenon said she wishes people valued the unpaid work of motherhood the way they do a paying job.

“Our society loves to say that raising children is the most important job in the world ― but it is never treated as such.”

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Ah Joy – ‘Mother’s Wrist’ Is A Painful Reality For Some New Mums. But Why?

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‘Mother’s wrist’ – or de Quervain’s tenosynovitis, as it’s more formally known – is a very painful, not to mention common, issue for new mums.

Yet unless you’ve suffered with it, you’ve probably never heard of it.

The ailment causes pain in the base of the thumb and wrist whenever you use your thumb. It can make activities like opening jars, unscrewing the lid of milk bottles, changing nappies and lifting your tiny tot utterly agonising.

Big Bang Theory’s Kaley Cuoco gave birth to her first child, Matilda, back in March – and took to Instagram in July to share a photo of herself wearing a compression bandage on her wrist. “They call it ‘mommy wrist,’” she wrote in the caption of the Instagram Story, later adding that she had it in both hands. Ouch.

“I’ve had this for the past nine months from my baby and it’s NO joke!” said one parent, after Entertainment Tonight shared photos of Cuoco’s wrists on Instagram.

“I had it with my third child, it was awful, I couldn’t pick her up,” added another mum. “I couldn’t lift anything, I got a steroid shot directly in my wrist and it went away within hours, never had an issue with it again.”

Kaley Cuoco pictured at Pacific Design Center on June 01, 2023.

Axelle/Bauer-Griffin via Getty Images

Kaley Cuoco pictured at Pacific Design Center on June 01, 2023.

What causes the issue?

According to the Health Service Executive (HSE), it could be caused by a combination of hormonal changes and increased pressure on the wrist tendons when lifting and holding a baby – which makes a lot of sense.

Women who breastfeed also have a higher chance of developing it, but it’s not clear why.

Symptoms

If you have ‘mother’s wrist’, you’ll certainly know about it. Symptoms include:

  • Pain on the thumb side of the wrist, which is aggravated by lifting the thumb or using scissors. The pain might travel up the arm.
  • Tenderness if you press on the site of pain
  • Swelling of the site of pain
  • Clicking or snapping of the tendons.

Experts at Bristol Chiropractic shared a handy way to know if you have the issue. Grip your thumb and gently pull it down and forwards away from you.

“If this causes pain, there is a good chance that this is the type of ‘baby wrist’ you are suffering with,” they explained.

Treatment

The good news is that milder cases of ‘mother’s wrist’ tend to go away in a couple of weeks – although sometimes this is more like months.

In the meantime, if you’re struggling, HSE recommends easing the pain with ice massages, stretches, painkillers (paracetamol) or even wearing a rigid wrist splint. These can usually be obtained from a sports shop or physiotherapist.

It can also help to relieve the pain by resting the hand – although that’s easier said than done with a baby.

If the pain doesn’t ease off, speak to your GP or book in with a physiotherapist.

Guidance from the British Society for Surgery of the Hand (BSSH) suggests a steroid injection relieves the pain in about 70% of cases. However, some thinning or colour change in the skin at the site of injection may occur.

In severe cases, some parents might require surgery, which typically sorts the problem out.

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5 Powerful Photos Of Breastfeeding Mums – And The Stories Behind Them

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What’s stopping new mums from breastfeeding? That’s the question photographer Ania Hrycyna set out to uncover when she gathered 15 mothers together for a candid festival-inspired photoshoot of them feeding their babies.

The UK has some of the lowest breastfeeding rates in the world with eight out of 10 women stopping before they want to.

Ahead of World Breastfeeding Week (1-7 August), the South London-based photographer and mother brought together a group of local women at a local airfield and asked them about the challenges they’d experienced in their breastfeeding journeys.

The photographer’s hope is that their stories – and gorgeous photos – will foster more empathy and understanding of the difficulties women face. And one theme that crops up time and time again is the lack of support new mothers face.

Here are some of their stories.

‘He struggled to latch and I received very little support from midwives at the hospital’

Gloria

Ania Hrycyna

Gloria

I started breastfeeding my firstborn in May 2017. He was tiny and very sleepy, really struggled to latch and I received very little support from the midwives at the hospital.

Once at home, he lost 13% of his birth weight. The home health visiting team were fabulous and helped me increase my milk supply and get onto an exclusively breastfeeding path which we followed for two-and-a-half years (until a couple of weeks before the birth of his little brother).

I thought after breastfeeding for two-and-a-half years it would be a doddle the second time around, but I guess I underestimated that my new little bundle had to find his way, too.

I managed to settle onto breastfeeding Hugo, who again I fed for two-and-a-half years. This time until I was about 30 weeks pregnant with my third baby, Max.

I have recently gone back to work after maternity leave so just learning to live in our new chaos and finding the right balance between expressing at work and co-sleeping so that he can get all his milk feeds.

I love the bond from breastfeeding my babies.

‘I never knew two breastfeeding journeys could be so different’

Clare

Ania Hrycyna

Clare

In 2020, I became a mother to our first child Lilah Ottalie. Breastfeeding was something I had set my heart on and it came so naturally to us both – born in water, she climbed up and latched on within moments, despite having a tongue tie.

She fed perfectly throughout my second pregnancy in 2022 and is still going strong today.

Our second child, Ottis Malachi, had a harder time learning to latch and feed. He was born very fast, he was tired and so was I – everything was a blur. He didn’t feed at all for the first 48 hours, he never got any of my golden colostrum. I felt very let down by the team at the hospital, I still do.

They wanted him to try formula as he couldn’t latch and he was losing energy. Lilah has a severe cow’s milk protein allergy that had her in and out of hospital for the first eight months of her life. I have been dairy-free for the last three-and-a-half years for this reason.

The hospital could only offer me cow’s milk formula for Ottis, which I had no choice but to accept. He reacted more or less straight away and I knew the symptoms so well that I declined the next feed. It was all on me.

Giving birth in lockdown meant my partner wasn’t allowed in to support me either, and it was the first time I had ever left Lilah, who was still breastfeeding and wasn’t allowed in to see us. I was heartbroken with a new baby that needed me.

We stayed in for four days until we were discharged with a feeding plan of me exclusively pumping to supply him with what he needed. Ottis had a lot of problems – we found out he also had a tongue tie and a high palate with a shallow latch.

At six days old he finally latched on his own for the first time. He really struggled to find his way to my nipple, so it was suggested at six weeks that we replicate being born and the newborn crawl to the boob. It helped and I was so emotional.

I had been told I wouldn’t be able to feed him and it was a long road but we got there in the end. He still wouldn’t latch every time and struggled a lot, he used to get very frustrated and chompy which had me in a lot of pain and tears. He also has low muscle tone making it hard for him to hold on when feeding.

I never knew two breastfeeding journeys could be so different. I have now been tandem feeding for a further year-and-a-half.

‘We need to be more open about the issues surrounding breastfeeding and where to go for support’

Kirsty

Ania Hrycyna

Kirsty

I knew I wanted to try breastfeeding, but also knew things might not work out and I didn’t want to feel too let down if I wasn’t able to. If anything I had almost convinced myself that I may not be able to because I was unable to harvest any colostrum before giving birth – despite my best efforts. I made sure to pack bottles of formula in my hospital bag.

With there being so much emphasis on ‘breast being best’ I did feel a bit guilty about being so comfortable with the idea of giving my baby formula straight away, like I had quit before starting – but now looking back I realise I had a lot of worries about breastfeeding in general with questions in my mind such as: Will I produce enough milk? Will it mean my body will never be my own again? Will my nipples be leaking milk all the time?

When I gave birth to my daughter, suddenly all of the feelings of anxiety and worry were quickly replaced with confidence as I watched her crawl up my stomach after birth, navigate her way to my boob and latch her little mouth – it was truly magical.

In this moment I fully understood and felt what my hypnobirthing teacher had meant when she said to trust your body and baby. Breastfeeding hasn’t come without the lows, though, and one of the things that surprised me was the pain – especially in those initial weeks when my daughter would cluster feed.

We’re told that breastfeeding should be a pain-free experience that will come naturally to us and our babies, which I don’t believe is true for the majority of women. I cried numerous times through the hard times in our journey, constantly thinking: why is this so tough when it’s supposed to be the most natural thing?

I think as a society we need to be more open about the issues surrounding breastfeeding and where to go for support, so that women can prepare themselves for the common issues and not struggle silently.

‘I felt like I was already failing as a mother, less than an hour after becoming one’

Ligia breastfeeding her baby.

Ania Hrycyna

Ligia breastfeeding her baby.

I always knew I wanted to breastfeed my children – my trouble was in having those children. After a good few years, I finally got pregnant thanks to the miracle of science, and then Covid-19 struck.

Serafina was born in September 2020. I tried to feed her in the minutes after birth, but she wouldn’t latch. I was devastated, especially as the breastfeeding nurses kept telling me it was because I have flat nipples. Hormones and tiredness didn’t help, but I felt that not only could I not conceive naturally, I couldn’t feed her naturally either. I felt like I was already failing as a mother, less than an hour after becoming one.

The following day, I was ‘allowed’ to express, so at least she was getting the good stuff… When I got home, I persevered with breastfeeding – my husband bought every contraption under the sun to try and help with my ‘flat nipples’ and the midwife who visited on day five tried to help me with positioning.

Serafina did start feeding, but I was in agony, kept getting blocked ducts, and had a baby or a pump attached to my boobs nearly 24/7. About six weeks after Serafina was born, I finally plucked up the courage to join a breastfeeding Zoom session. I was recommended a lactation consultant who arrived the next day and diagnosed a severe posterior tongue tie within two minutes of walking in the door and advised the stabbing, freezing pains I was feeling was vasospam.

A mere 10 seconds after the tongue tie was severed, Serafina latched onto my boob – and it felt amazing.

When we decided to try and have another baby, I was told I wouldn’t be able to start the hormone treatment until I’d stopped breastfeeding Serafina. After everything we’d been through to get to this point, how was I going to stop?! And why was I putting a potential future baby ahead of the real life baby girl I held in my arms?!

The guilt was crushing. But we eventually did it (with many tears!). Persephone was born in January this year and latched on and started feeding within minutes. It was a totally different experience. It still didn’t feel quite right, but it wasn’t painful. Tongue tie was discounted, so I just got on with it.

We were eventually referred to the tongue tie clinic because Persephone had green stools, and lo and behold, she had posterior tongue tie. To say I was annoyed is an understatement. But at six months old, she is now feeding much better. It has not been an easy journey, but I’m so proud of myself and my girls.

‘There is so much more to breastfeeding than just feeding a baby’

Helen breastfeeding her child.

Ania Hrycyna

Helen breastfeeding her child.

I always knew I wanted to breastfeed, so when my eldest daughter was born in 2013 I was delighted when it came quite easily to us both. When her younger brother was born 16 months later, it was a different story.

He had a tongue tie and feeding was really painful. I didn’t know how or where to access good support and believed the people who told me nothing could be done to make his feeding more comfortable.

I fed him for a year but it was a good three months before it felt comfortable. The same thing happened with his younger sister, born 18 months later and also with a tongue tie.

When my fourth baby was born and feeding was again painful, I knew a bit more about tongue tie and what to do. We found support, had her tie divided and feeding was so much easier from then on.

I decided to train as a breastfeeding counsellor, partly because I had always loved feeding my babies (despite the pain) and wanted to understand it more, and partly because I wanted to be able to offer others the support I had so desperately needed myself.

I spent two years completing a foundation degree and during that time my fifth and sixth babies came along, both with tongue tie. I recently gave birth to my seventh baby (again with tongue tie), who is in this photoshoot.

I find it so rewarding to be able to help people to work through difficulties and to be able to continue breastfeeding, where that is important to them. It has also been a huge help to my own breastfeeding journeys, which have not been without their difficulties, to understand how breastfeeding works and the impact that the various challenges can have.

I hear first-hand how valuable that support is for new parents and I am passionate about providing accessible support to anyone who needs it through drop-ins, free telephone helpline support and signposting to other services.

There is so much more to breastfeeding than just feeding a baby and I enjoy the constant learning that comes with working in breastfeeding support.

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‘My Body Is Craving A Break’: This Is What It Feels Like To Be ‘Touched Out’

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As a breastfeeding mother of three, Krystal Duhaney is no stranger to the sensation of being “touched out”. She describes it as “reaching the point where you just want a little breathing room from constant physical contact”.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love cuddling and snuggling with my little ones, but there are moments when I feel like I’ve had enough,” Duhaney, a registered nurse, lactation consultant and founder of MilkyMama, told HuffPost.

“Imagine having tiny hands tugging at your clothes, clinging to your legs, lifting up your shirt, and constantly wanting to be held. It can be overwhelming, especially when you add breastfeeding into the mix. Sometimes, all you want is a moment of personal space to recharge and gather your thoughts.”

This phenomenon is most often reported by mothers, but any parent or caregiver can experience it. Some have described it as a skin-crawling or claustrophobic feeling. For Duhaney, being touched out can make her feel “a bit irritable and impatient”.

“It’s like my body is craving a break from the never-ending physical demands,” she said. “It doesn’t mean I love my children any less. It’s just a natural reaction to the constant touch and sensory stimulation.”

Parents may feel touched out for any number of reasons. The near-constant physical contact when taking care of young children, especially, is a big contributor – think nursing, rocking, holding, cuddling, baby-wearing, co-sleeping, etc. Personal space and alone time are in short supply when you have a baby or a toddler.

“Breastfeeding demands, especially when coupled with frequent nursing sessions, can add to the feeling of being touched out,” Duhaney said.

“Sometimes, all you want is a moment of personal space to recharge and gather your thoughts.”

– Krystal Duhaney, mother and lactation consultant

Plus, there’s the “sensory overload from the combination of physical touch, noise and other stimuli,” which can be overstimulating to moms, she added. This may be especially pronounced for mothers with ADHD or other neurodivergent parents.

The heavy mental and emotional burdens of modern parenthood – like the pursuit of trying to “do it all” – likely play a role in feeling touched out, too, experts say.

“There isn’t much space left to think about yourself when you are worrying and thinking about your child, spouse, and all the other tasks you are responsible for,” marriage and family therapist Gayane Aramyan told HuffPost.

Naturally, all of this can take a toll on your relationship with your partner, too. Aramyan said her clients who are mothers often tell her they “literally don’t want to be touched anymore at the end of the day” and “just want their own space”.

“It’s really hard to make space for the family members who are not infants to have close intimate touching when you have an infant hanging off of you all day,” psychologist Louise Packard told Motherly.

If you’re feeling touched out, here’s how to cope

“Whether it’s enjoying a cup of coffee alone, taking a quick walk, or simply locking yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes of peace, those moments of solitude can work wonders," Duhaney said.

urbazon via Getty Images

“Whether it’s enjoying a cup of coffee alone, taking a quick walk, or simply locking yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes of peace, those moments of solitude can work wonders,” Duhaney said.

First, know that as unpleasant as this sensation can be, it is a very common experience and is in no way a reflection of your parenting abilities or the love you have for your family.

Mums often feel guilty for being touched out, but they shouldn’t: Bodily autonomy is a “normal human need,” psychologist Jessica Combs Rohr wrote in a blog post for Psychology Today.

“A fun thing about motherhood is you almost always feel like you are being a bad mother if you have a normal human reaction to difficult experiences,” she wrote in the story.

When you’ve reached your touch limit, communicate that to your family. Explain that you love them, but you need some time or space for yourself right now.

When you’re not so overwhelmed, have an honest conversation with your partner about what you’re feeling. That will help them understand what you’re dealing with and realise it isn’t personal.

“Set some boundaries and ask for support,” Duhaney said. “Your partner, family or friends can help share the load and give you some breathing room.”

Try to schedule some “me” time every day — even if a few minutes is all you can manage.

“It can be as small as 10 minutes before everybody else waking up,” Aramyan said. “Or taking 10 minutes during your child’s nap to not do anything but sit and read, or meditate. It’s important to fill our cup not just with girls’ nights or date nights or exercise, but to have something that happens daily for us to get something done for ourselves.”

Duhaney said it’s also important to give yourself permission to take breaks without feeling guilty about it.

“It’s OK to step away and recharge. Find moments throughout the day to steal some personal space,” she said. “Whether it’s enjoying a cup of coffee alone, taking a quick walk, or simply locking yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes of peace, those moments of solitude can work wonders.”

Connecting with other parents who understand firsthand what you’re going through can also help.

“Find online communities or local mom groups where you can share your experiences, vent, and get advice from moms who’ve been there,” Duhaney said. “Sometimes just knowing you’re not alone in feeling touched out can bring a sense of relief and validation.”

If your partner is the one feeling touched out, here’s how you can help

If you’re the partner of a touched-out mum, be supportive and understanding. Respect her boundaries, which may mean putting your desire for physical affection on the back burner temporarily.

“Show empathy and understanding by acknowledging her feelings and validating her experiences,” Duhaney said. “Let her know that you’re there for her and ready to help in any way you can.”

Make sure you’re pulling your weight when it comes to caregiving and other household responsibilities. See where you can do more to lighten her load.

“Offer to take over some tasks, such as feeding, diaper changes or bedtime routines, to give her a break,” Duhaney said. “By sharing the load, you’ll provide her with the opportunity to recharge and have some much-needed personal space.”

“Pay attention to signs of her feeling overwhelmed and step in to assist before she reaches her breaking point.”

– Duhaney

Be proactive about stepping up without always needing prompting or reminders from your partner.

“Anticipate her needs and offer help without waiting to be asked. Pay attention to signs of her feeling overwhelmed and step in to assist before she reaches her breaking point,” Duhaney said. “Proactively taking care of household chores or offering a listening ear can go a long way in easing her burden and making her feel supported.”

For the time being, sex may feel like yet another thing she has to do for someone else — but there are many other ways to foster intimacy. Maybe that’s getting a date night on the calendar once a month, setting aside 15 minutes at night to talk about stuff other than kids or household logistics, holding hands while watching TV or giving her a foot rub after a long day.

Encourage your partner to prioritize time for herself and help her make it happen.

“Support her in taking time for herself, whether it’s a relaxing bath, a solo outing, or pursuing a hobby she enjoys,” Duhaney said. “Offer to take care of the kids during those times, so she can fully focus on rejuvenating herself.”

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Do You Actually Forget The Pain Of Labour? This Mum Did Six Months After Giving Birth

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A mum has revealed how just six months after giving birth, she can’t remember the pain of labour. And it’s something many – but not all – can relate to.

“My husband thinks this is crazy. But I didn’t know if anyone else experienced this,” revealed the parent. “I gave birth almost six months ago and I don’t remember the pain.”

The phenomenon is not uncommon. Lots of women report not quite remembering the sensations of labour, even though they recall it was painful for them at the time.

“I vividly remember being in pain, and clutching the hospital bed rails with all my might, but the actual pain, [I] can’t recall it for anything,” said the mum, taking to Reddit.

“It blows my mind. Like I know I had contractions for hours, but I couldn’t even tell you what they felt like.”

Other parents were equally baffled and shared their own experiences of not remembering the sensations of birth. “I remember between (screaming through) contractions I said to my husband, ‘how do siblings exist?!’” said one.

“Two weeks later I’m picking out sibling names.”

But not everyone shared the reduced memory recall, as far as pain was concerned. “I can vividly recall every single pain and I’ve already decided to never do it again,” said one parent.

Another added: “Can’t relate. The pain haunts me daily.”

So, why is this?

Unsurprisingly it’s not a well-studied area, but one study of women’s memory of labour pain – from two months to five years after birth – found memory of labour pain did decline in a lot of women over a period of time.

But for those who had a negative overall experience of childbirth, the memory of labour pain didn’t decline. What’s more, women who had an epidural – suggesting they experienced extreme pain during birth – reported higher pain scores at all time points, suggesting that these women remember the ‘peak pain’ of labour.

In a piece for the Conversation, Monique Robinson, of the Telethon Institute for Child Health Research at The University of Western Australia, suggested lots of other factors can play a part in how a birth is remembered. So things like: satisfaction with care-providers, choice of pain relief, level of medical intervention, complications, outcomes for the baby, and other personal factors.

All of these would add up to either form a positive or negative birth experience. Positive experiences are less likely to be associated with pain, whereas negative ones are.

Discussing why some people might forget the pain of birth, Jennifer Conti, clinical professor of obstetrics and gynaecology at Stanford University, told Self her theory is that from an evolutionary perspective, the survival of our species could depend on women forgetting the pain of labour and birth.

“If you can’t remember how intense your [birth experience] was, maybe you’re more likely to do it again and reproduce,” she said.

“I often hear women say that they can remember that they were in pain during labour, but can’t actually recall the perception or intensity that well. On the other hand, there are women who swear they remember the event like it happened yesterday.”

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These Soothing Illustrations Are The Perfect Balm For Overwhelmed Mums

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Motherhood is full of conflicting emotions. It can be beautiful and joyful and fun, but it can also be demanding and confusing and overwhelming at the same time.

In artist and poet Azalia Suhaimi’s illustrations, the Malaysia-based mother of two offers comforting reminders to parents navigating these ups and downs.

Many of her illustrations, which she shares on her Instagram account, @azaliasuhaimi, begin with the words “Dear Mama.” But she said they apply to dads and other caregivers, too.

“My artworks are titled ‘Dear Mama’ as they mostly began as love letters to myself, like self-reminders on a bad day,” Suhaimi told HuffPost. “When I decided to share them with the world, I then began building a community of like-minded mothers, all of whom I have really loved connecting and exchanging stories with.”

Suhaimi started her Instagram account several years ago when she was “going through the postpartum blues.” At that time, she would share her own photography with poetic captions that talked honestly about motherhood.

“I scrolled through social media and saw all these picture-perfect Instagram photos of mothers enjoying their new babies,” she said. “I felt weird and alone and left out, like I was the only one struggling with these difficult feelings while every other mother out there seemed to be having the best time of their lives.”

Then, during the Covid lockdowns, she took a digital art course online and began creating illustrations for her posts.

In her work, she enjoys capturing the raw and real moments of parenthood, raising awareness of maternal mental health issues and offering solidarity to other parents in the thick of it.

Suhaimi’s kids are now ages eight and four. She said this is her favourite phase of motherhood so far.

“I can finally sit a bit and reflect on all the lessons I’ve learned from the struggles of early motherhood the past few years. And you can see these reflections on my artworks.”

As an artist, Suhaimi hopes to make parents feel less alone in their own journeys, whatever they’re going through.

“Parenthood is hard and messy as it is, so it’s nice to have solidarity, and a safe space where we can talk about the hard things without being judged and where our feelings are validated,” she says. “And I hope my artworks provide that safe space.”

Another important part of Suhaimi’s message is reminding parents to give themselves more grace.

“Some of my darkest moments of parenthood were really made darker simply because I wasn’t kind to myself,” she said. “I easily judged myself and concluded myself as a bad mom when what I faced was simply just a bad day.”

For Suhaimi, learning to practise self-compassion made “a whole lot of difference” in how she parents her kids and in her motherhood experience.

“So I hope that my artwork can help remind other parents and myself too – I still need the reminder – to practise self-compassion,” she says.

To see more of Suhaimi’s work, you can follow her on Instagram or visit her website. Below, check some of her heartfelt illustrations.

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I Thought I Had Flu. It Turned Out To Be Mastitis

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I lay in bed realising I’d finally succumbed. I had flu. The self-diagnosis made sense: our then 15-month-old had picked up her billionth illness of the year from childcare and was suffering with a high temperature and the kind of chesty cough that rattled her ribcage. Meanwhile, flu cases were on the rise in the UK.

I’d spent a sleepless night shivering in bed one moment, my teeth chattering aggressively, and sweating buckets the next. By morning, my body ached and I was so tired I was unsure I’d be able to move out of bed. Spoiler alert: I had to because, as we all know, toddlers do not stop. Even when sick.

I did a Covid test, and it came back negative. I spent the rest of the day trying to look after my daughter while feeling like I’d been hit by a ton of bricks. It meant back-to-back Hey Duggee and lots of reading – she’d fetch books and sit on top of me while I lay on the sofa, so I didn’t really have much say on the matter.

One of my boobs started to feel a bit tender as the day went on but I brushed it off. In over a year of breastfeeding I’d never had mastitis, so I presumed I wouldn’t develop it now – the stories I’d heard about it were always from those experiencing it in the few months after having babies.

Plus, there had been multiple occasions where my breast had felt a little bit sore due to engorgement but I’d always managed to clear the issue at home.

The following day I still felt awful and noticed that my tender boob now had a red patch on one side and, oh my word, the pain. It had progressed to the point where it hurt to even put a bra on. I strongly suspected it might not be flu that was causing my body aches, fatigue and shivering after all, so I called the doctor’s surgery and managed to bag an appointment that afternoon.

After a quick examination, with my GP exclaiming how hot and red the area was, she confirmed I had mastitis – where the breast becomes inflamed, usually as a result of an infection. This issue mostly occurs in those who are breastfeeding when there’s a build-up of milk in one of the breasts or a blocked milk duct hasn’t cleared properly.

The pain can be extreme. I now fully understand why Stacey Solomon once described it as feeling like her boobs were “on fire”.

The diagnosis made sense. I’d been reducing my feeds for a few weeks to try and wean my daughter off milk during the day, so she was only really having the odd feed at night.

Still, I was surprised I hadn’t developed an issue sooner, and that the pain had been secondary to my flu symptoms – but maybe I’d just become used to that dull ache that comes from not having your boobs emptied properly.

Symptoms of mastitis include:

  • a swollen area on your breast that may feel hot and painful to touch The area may become red but this can be harder to see if you have darker skin
  • a wedge-shaped breast lump or a hard area on your breast.
  • a burning pain in your breast that might be constant or only when you breastfeed
  • nipple discharge, which may be white or contain streaks of blood
  • flu-like symptoms such as aches, a high temperature, chills and tiredness

Antibiotics were prescribed (the go-to treatment for mastitis) and within a few days I was feeling right as rain again – no shivers, no shakes, and a very happy breast. Since then, I’ve had a few issues with blocked ducts, but I’m no longer complacent. Whenever I’ve felt a twinge of tenderness, I’ve promptly dealt with the issue to avoid it developing into mastitis again.

This has often meant putting a warm wet cloth on the tender area, or having a warm shower or bath. But the NHS also recommends continuing to breastfeed, starting feeds with the sore breast first to empty any backed up milk; expressing milk between feeds; and massaging the area of the breast where it’s tender.

It’s important to note that mastitis can occur in anyone, even men. When it’s not caused by breast milk building up, it may be down to: smoking, damaging the nipple, breast implants, having a weak immune system, or shaving/plucking hairs from around the nipples.

If you’re experiencing flu-like symptoms and breast pain which doesn’t go away after 24 hours, speak to your GP. Don’t struggle on or brush it off, as the sooner you get it treated, the sooner you’ll feel better.

And if you experience recurrent mastitis, it’s definitely worth speaking to a midwife, health visitor or breastfeeding specialist who can help you get to the bottom of why.

Help and support:

  • You can call the National Breastfeeding Helpline on 0300 100 0212 (9.30am to 9.30pm, daily)
  • Get breastfeeding support from La Leche League.
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