1 Thing You Should Never Force Your Kid To Say

Posted on 08/06/2024 by Boris Clair

Sometimes it’s another child at the playground, a friend at a birthday party or a cousin at a family gathering. Often, it’s a sibling. Your young child, who you know can be heart-meltingly sweet, gets upset about some slight — a toy they wanted, a turn on the swings — and they snatch something from another child’s hands, or shove or hit them.

“No!” you cry, hot with embarrassment that your child would behave this way. You run up to them, grab their hands, crouch down to look them in the eye. And then what? You can’t undo the hurt they’ve caused, but you have to do something, right?

So you say what feels like the appropriate thing, likely the same phrase that your parents used with you when you misbehaved as a child: “Go say you’re sorry.”

It’s a concrete thing for your kid to perform as a consequence, but is this the best way to deal with the situation?

The problem with forced apologies

In a recent Instagram post, therapist Deena Margolin of the “toddler expert” duo Big Little Feelings explains that the problem with forced apologies is “you’re not actually teaching them to feel sorry, to take ownership, to show compassion.”

We’ve all seen children giving inauthentic apologies — perhaps mumbled with eyes to the ground or belted out in a mocking sing-song.

Sure, you can make a kid say sorry — but can you make them feel it?

“Children who are let off the hook with a simple ‘I’m sorry,’ essentially get a free pass,” Suzanne Barchers, chair of the education advisory board for ed-tech company LingoKids, told HuffPost.

“Often, they aren’t sorry — with an altercation that involved hitting or taking a toy or being ‘sassy,’ the hurtful act is often calculated and perhaps a bit satisfying to the perpetrator.”

If your child seems to get some enjoyment from what they’ve done, and/or their false apology, don’t worry that there’s something wrong with them. Like most kids, they’re still figuring out what it means to see things from another person’s perspective, and shaming them won’t help.

In an email, Margolin and parent coach Kristin Gallant, the other half of Big Little Feelings, told HuffPost: “Forced apologies can leave your child feeling ashamed — like they’re a ‘bad kid.’ Here’s the thing: these feelings totally inhibit any real learning and growing!”

They also don’t guarantee that your child will arrive at an apology on their own the next time.

“Forcing an apology is quick and easy. However, it doesn’t get at the underlying issue,” Barchers said.

How to help kids feel empathy and genuinely apologize

If you want your child to feel sorry for what they’ve done so that their apology rings true, Margolin and Gallant suggest you try something along these lines:

“She’s crying right now. How do you think she feels?” (Pause to give your child time to respond.) “Yeah. Really upset. Hitting is never okay. Let’s go over and see how we can help her feel better and say sorry.”

Note that the ‘sorry’ is in there, but not without some groundwork to make it actually count.

Your child might not be able to see the other child’s perspective right away. Don’t worry about this too much, either, Barchers said. “Asking the child to describe the other child’s point of view is difficult because children are very egocentric for many years.”

You may have to give your child additional prompts, such as noticing that the other child is crying, or asking how your child would feel if someone hit them.

This way, when you approach the child who was hurt, your child will understand what it “feels like to take ownership of your actions and compassionately apologise,” Margolin and Gallant said.

Barchers added that you should “encourage the child to expand” beyond the word sorry, as in: “I am so sorry. I should have asked if we could take turns,” or “I am so sorry. Can we talk about why I got so frustrated that I yelled at you?”

If your child is little, or reluctant to speak, you can model what a genuine apology sounds like. Margolin and Gallant suggested that you say something like: “Are you okay? I see you’re feeling really upset. We’re sorry. Hitting is never okay. Is there anything we can do to help you feel better?”

Understandably, you may also want to apologise on your child’s behalf. This is okay, Barchers said, as long as it comes in addition to, not instead of, your child’s own apology. “Apologising on behalf of your child to the other misses a learning opportunity for your child. And it takes your child off the hook, indicating that they don’t have to take responsibility for misbehaviour.”

If there was a conflict between the two children, such as over a toy or whose turn it was, this could also be a moment for you to ask the children how they could’ve handled the situation differently.

Your example teaches them how to handle such situations. “One day, your voice will become your child’s inner voice,” said Margolin and Gallant.

This includes times that you need to apologise to them. Perhaps you lost your cool and yelled, or didn’t give them attention because you were distracted by something else.

To make your apology count, you need to go beyond “I’m sorry.”

“Putting the apology in context gives it more meaning,” Barchers said. She gave the following example: “I’m sorry I couldn’t play a game with you. I truly didn’t have time. I have an idea for tomorrow. I would like you to help me with the laundry. Then we would have time for the game.”

Margolin and Gallant offered another: “I’m so sorry that I yelled at you. That probably made you feel really scared. That probably made you feel really sad. I’m really sorry — you don’t deserve that. I’m going to work on not yelling when I have an upset feeling. I love you. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Note that here, you are acknowledging your child’s feelings and validating them.

When your child is apologising to you (or a sibling), it often makes sense to talk about the underlying issue and how to prevent it in addition to the apology. Barchers gave the following example: “I accept your apology. However, I want you to tell me how you are going to avoid forgetting to leave your shoes in the way because this isn’t the first time I’ve tripped over them. Let’s figure out a plan.”

Finally, there are some mistakes that even a heartfelt apology can’t smooth over. Barchers recalled, “My son wanted to hold a family heirloom — my great grandfather’s pocket watch. It was on display on a shelf. I told him he could hold it but not play with it. Later he was roller skating — with the watch in his hand — and he dropped it.”

The watch was irreparably damaged, she said. “I was angry. We had a long discussion about how some things can’t be undone — sorry doesn’t work. I had to learn to forgive him, but he had to work to realise he had deeply disappointed me.”

This conversation, as difficult as it was, still couldn’t resolve the situation — but that doesn’t mean their talk was without value, Barchers said. “As I think back, he never did something so foolhardy again, so perhaps it was useful.”

How To Raise Kids Who Actually Like Each Other

Posted on 25/05/2024 by Boris Clair

Sitting between his two older sisters, Rhys Tsiang, a 16-year-old from New Jersey, said, “They kind of just feel like I’m with my friends when I’m with them.”

The three siblings ― Rhys, Kobie Tsiang, 22, and Nori Tsiang, 20 ― often hang out together in Kobie’s bedroom, which she described as “our communal space.”

“I have a TV in here,” Kobie Tsiang said. “We’ll all come in here. We’ll talk, we’ll walk in without knocking, often. I’d say that we’re pretty close. I’d say that we hang out pretty regularly and probably more than other siblings do in general.”

The Tsiang siblings told HuffPost that they feel closer now than earlier in their lives, when they faced some of the typical sibling conflicts and resentments.

“I did find my younger brother to be slightly annoying,” Nori Tsiang admitted, speaking of her 11-year-old self. Today, the pair often spend time hanging out together with mutual friends.

“I don’t think we were that close when we were younger. I think it’s changed a lot, though,” Rhys said.

Having the space to build their own authentic relationships with each other, as well as having regular time to spend together, such as on annual family vacations, has helped shape the bond the siblings share today.

Building sibling dynamics can be difficult when you’re a parent. But there are steps you can take to ensure that your children have a strong relationship with one another.

We asked a couple of experts what parents can do to raise siblings who actually like each other.

Even kids who like each other will experience conflict sometimes.

Don’t confuse a good relationship with a conflict-free one

Liking someone doesn’t mean that you don’t ever fight with them.

“Expecting your kids to like each other is a reasonable goal. I think that’s different from expecting them to not fight with each other,” psychologist Janine Domingues of the Child Mind Institute told HuffPost.

Instead of worrying that your kids’ conflicts will damage their relationship, focus on helping them find a way to resolve the problem at hand. You don’t need to worry that a fight today will ruin their chances of being close to one another later in life.

Topsie VandenBosch, a 35-year-old from Los Angeles, said she and her 26-year-old sister, Pjay Togunde, had “sisterly fights and disagreements” while growing up. As they matured and became adults, their nine-year age gap became less of a divide, and VandenBosch now describes her little sister as “one of my best friends and my rock.”

Togunde agreed.

“My relationship with Topsie now is solid,” she told HuffPost.

Set high expectations

If you expect your children to get along with one another, they’re actually more likely to do so, Laura Markham, a psychologist and the author of several parenting books, told HuffPost.

“If you expect them not to get along, like if you had problematic relationships with your siblings, they are more likely to have more problems,” Markham said. “If you hold it as a family value that we’re family, we can get mad at each other, we can fight — we always work things out. We protect each other and support each other. That will be the value that kids learn about siblings.”

Markham said it’s important to not bring your own baggage from your sibling relationships to your kids, neither assuming that things will be bad nor trying to replicate a relationship you feel is perfect. In addition, you need to cultivate a strong relationship with each of your children individually.

“The research on this is that if you, the parent, have a positive relationship with each child, they’re much more likely to have a positive relationship with each other,” she said.

Kids need reassurance that you love and accept them just as much as their siblings — even when they’re being difficult.

“The most important thing you can do is really work on your relationship with each child, so that each child feels like no matter how much love you give their sibling, there’s more than enough for them,” Markham said.

One way to do this is to schedule special one-on-one time with each child, even if it’s only for five or 10 minutes. Children relish having your full attention.

Also, remember that the way you treat your children is likely the way they will learn to treat each other.

“If your discipline runs to the authoritarian style, you will see your kids be meaner to each other,” Markham said, and you may overhear them repeating phrases you’ve said, like, “Do what I say right now.”

But if you work on setting limits in a more collaborative way, your kids are more likely to follow suit.

“Your model around how problems get solved will communicate itself to your kids,” Markham said.

Praise the kind of behaviour you want to see

It’s easy to get caught up in stopping fights and unkind behaviours, but don’t forget to praise your kids when they display the kind of behaviour you want to see more of.

Domingues called this “label praising,” where you name the positive behaviour and give it your praise.

“Whether they’re playing nicely with each other or sharing together, or if they’re older and just watching something together or interacting together in a way that fosters good sibling togetherness, it’s really being able to praise that and sort of shout that out,” Domingues said.

With a young child, this might sound like, “Thank you for sharing your toy with your sister. That was wonderful of you to do,” she continued.

With an older child, you might say, “I really loved how you spent some time just talking to your sister. I think she really loved that,” or “Thanks so much for driving your brother to school this morning. It helps me, and I think he really loves it when you do that,” Domingues said. In these examples, not only is the parent praising the behaviour but also noting its positive impact on the sibling.

“The research shows that the more positive interactions kids have when they’re growing up together, the better their relationship with each other as adults,” psychologist Laura Markham told HuffPost.

Set up family routines that encourage closeness

“Having family traditions has a multitude of benefits,” Domingues said. This can include the traditional family dinner, but it could also be a special Sunday morning breakfast if that’s what works for your family schedule-wise.

“Start early and start young, so it’s baked into things that they actually look forward to and want to continue to do,” Domingues said.

Markham gave the example of having an older sibling read a bedtime story to a younger sibling every night. Her own children, she said, found that the activity they liked to do together was sword fighting.

The Tsiang siblings recalled family vacations to the Jersey Shore, where, without their friends around, they would do things like play volleyball together.

“The research shows that the more positive interactions kids have when they’re growing up together, the better their relationship with each other as adults,” Markham said, while noting that this does not mean they won’t fight sometimes.

VandenBosch and Togunde credit their parents for encouraging them to spend time together and stay in touch.

“On a typical Friday night, they would prefer for me to usually hang out with my sisters in the house or go see them at college rather than spend time with friends from school,” Togunde said.

“They consistently encourage us to call or text each other often,” she continued. “If I were to tell them that I went two weeks without talking to my sisters, they would be disappointed.”

Give kids space to express their feelings about having siblings

While there are some kids that simply rub each other the wrong way from the get-go, Markham said the most frequent reason she sees siblings don’t get along is because parents “don’t understand how to help the older child with the feelings that come up.”

Knowing that such feelings of jealousy are practically universal, parents may assume that they’ll subside in due time, but this may not be the case. And when they linger, it can sour the sibling dynamic.

“It’s really important to make sure that the older kid has the opportunity not just to spend one-on-one time with you but to tell you how they feel. If you notice that they’re not telling you, but they seem to be handling the new baby a little roughly or climbing on the table to get attention or whatever, you can say, ‘It must be hard sometimes to be the big sister,’” Markham said.

“What you can do is listen and acknowledge,” she continued, noting that parents may avoid the topic because it makes them feel defensive or guilty. But she has seen how allowing kids to have their feelings and talk about them can be an effective way to manage behaviour issues.

This doesn’t mean that you allow an older child to say cruel or unkind things to their sibling, but they can express this anger and jealousy when talking to you.

When one sibling says something negative about the other to you, you can use “part of” language to both validate their feelings and reaffirm your faith that their bond will be strong. Markham suggested using phrases such as, “I know part of you sometimes wishes that even though part of you loves your brother, part of you wishes that you could be an only sibling.”

With a parent’s support, kids can overcome periods of jealousy or not feeling close to each other.

As they look forward to graduations and the beginnings of their careers, the Tsiang siblings plan on remaining a presence in each other’s lives. Kobie and Nori Tsiang intend to even move into their first apartment together one day.

“Me and her are definitely going to stick together, and Rhys will still be around,” Kobie Tsiang said. “Our big American dream is to buy a plot of land somewhere rural and build a bunch of little houses for us and our family.”

Penn Badgley Gets Real About Being A Father And A Stepfather

Posted on 30/03/2024 by Boris Clair

Penn Badgley knows the many ways that one can be a parent.

The You star, who is married to singer Domino Kirke, shares a 15-year-old stepson, Cassius, with his wife. The couple also have a young son of their own.

Badgley opened up about parenting both in a candid episode of The New York Times’ Modern Love podcast, which was released Wednesday.

“I have an interesting situation where I have a biological son and a stepson,” the Gossip Girl actor said. “And my stepson is ― his father is very much in his life, so his father is his father, and I’m ― I’m something else. So I have two different parental roles.

“And then my biological son is only 3 1/2, so that’s a very different thing too. I’m going to need to be able to more consciously show him my vulnerability as he gets older in those years.”

From center left: Cassius Kirke, Penn Badgley and Domino Kirke attend the 2019 U.S. Open tennis championships on Sep. 3, 2019.

Badgley is one of a few celebrities who have recently spoken about their experiences not only as a parent, but as a stepparent.

Gwyneth Paltrow, who welcomed two children with singer Chris Martin before their 2016 divorce, became a stepmother in 2018 after marrying producer Brad Falchuk. Falchuck has two kids of his own.

The Goop founder said that she likes to talk about being a stepparent because it’s one of her “biggest learnings as a human being.”

“My area of growth personally came from the initial difficult relationship I had with my stepkids, and now they’re like my kids,” Paltrow said at an event earlier this month. She added that things were “really rough” at first.

“It’s almost like you have to embody the spirit of the sun and just give and not expect anything back,” the Oscar-winning actor explained. “I just learned to try to just keep shining like the sun and never keeping score.”

3 Ways To Make Ramadan Special For Kids That AREN’T Fasting

Posted on 04/03/2024 by Boris Clair

As Ramadan approaches, parents of young kids like myself are trying to find ways to teach our children about the Holy month.

With older kids, it can be easy to explain what the month means and how we can use it to minimise bad habits. But with toddlers and young children there needs to be a balance of making the time fun and exciting, alongside teaching them its importance.

As Muslims, children are obliged to fast once they hit puberty. Before this during Ramadan, kids will usually partake in family meals such as Iftar (opening of the fast), build the habit of praying five times a day and use the time to understand the importance of helping the less fortunate.

However, as the month places a huge importance on fasting for older children, younger kids might feel left out and want to do more to get into that Ramadan feeling.

So, here are some ways you can help to make the month special for young children that aren’t able to fast. These tips have been suggested by the creators of Salam Occasions, an online store where you can buy Islamic toys, books and decorations.

Decorate your home

Making changes in your home during Ramadan can really help kids differentiate the month of Ramadan from other months.

Children love to help out, so why not let them join in to put up some bunting? Salam Occasions have a range of balloons and acrylic decoration pieces that can transform your prayer space to make it even more exciting for the kids.

Do activities

Learning doesn’t have to be boring – when teaching your young children about Ramadan and what it means, bringing in colouring books can be a game-changer!

Alongside this you can even get your kids to have a healthy competition of designing a mosque, to teach them about the importance of praying together.

One of the three founders of Salam Occasions, Raheema, says: “My three-year-old would probably be able to tell you more about Ramadan than I would because of these books!

“A lot of people are turning to Islamic board books and colouring. As a parent I’ve introduced everything to my daughter from birth and by now she knows a lot more duas (prayers) and stories of Prophets than I did at that age!”

Countdown to Eid

Counting down to a special day definitely makes the month more exciting, building up towards Eid is a great way to get your kids involved.

Now that a lot more Muslim-owned companies are creating advent calendars to help children feel more connected, you can use these to teach them a lesson a day.

You can even DIY your own and tick off each day with a ‘moral of the day’ or ‘word of the day’ related to Ramadan. Alongside this you can even use the countdown to get your child to put £1 a day aside for charity.

This can really cement the idea that Ramadan is all about helping others and being a better person.

Either way, once it gets to Eid, the day where Muslims celebrate and mark the end of the month, your child will feel accomplished looking back at the past month!

At the end of the day, Ramadan is about learning how to be a better person. Whether it’s helping your kids break bad habits such as not fighting with siblings, or using the month to educate them about religion and morals — these tips are sure to get your young kids involved in wanting to learn more.

Is Period Underwear Right For Your Kid?

Posted on 10/01/2024 by Boris Clair

If you have a child who’s going to menstruate, it’s possible that they’ve started thinking about it before you have. Whether they’re excited to experience this rite of passage or anxious about the possibility of embarrassing leaks, tweens and teens today have more resources and options available to them than we did at their age.

One potentially helpful innovation is period underwear.

“Period underwear has been a great revolution, especially for young people,” Dr. Meredith Wise, an Ob/Gyn at the University of North Carolina, told HuffPost.

They’re discreet; they look like normal underwear, but have a highly-absorbent lining that holds liquid. They also generate less waste than pads and tampons, which appeals to young people who are concerned about the impact their choices have on the environment.

One of the first period underwear brands to come on the market was Thinx, which has a product line designed for teens. Of course, if you decide to go this route, your teen should wear whichever period underwear works best for them, regardless of how it’s marketed. Other brands include: Aisle, Cora, Proof, Rael, Saalt and The Period Company. Knix and Modibodi sell period swimwear in addition to period underwear.

Felicia Macdonald, VP of Strategic Communications and Public Affairs at Thinx, told HuffPost that their product is made with cotton and “can hold up to five tampons or two-and-a-half regular pads’ worth of flow.”

“They’re just as comfy as regular undies and can be worn alone or as back up with other period products for extra leak protection,” she continued.

If your child’s cycles are regular (note that irregular cycles aren’t abnormal), they can wear the underwear in anticipation of their period starting, or as often as they like.

The main disadvantage of period underwear is that it isn’t cheap. Of course, neither is a year’s worth of disposable menstrual products — but you don’t have to pay for all of those up front, and, increasingly, schools and other institutions are making them available for free in restrooms.

Depending on how many pairs you need per day and how often you’re able to wash them, building up a stash of period underwear costs considerably more than a 6-pack of briefs from your local big box store. Prices range from $12-39 per pair.

If your kid needs to change pairs midday to manage their flow, then they’ll have to carry a used pair around with them to bring home.

Some young people may not be too keen on taking care of clothing with different washing and drying instructions than their other clothes. And some parents may end up with a little more work added to their laundry duties.

To get the longest life out of period underwear, you’ll need to follow the manufacturer’s care instructions. Thinx recommends washing their underwear on a cold, delicate machine cycle, or by hand, using mild detergent, then hanging or lying flat to dry. When cared for properly, Thinx says their underwear will last for 40 washes, or approximately two years of use.

Some users also rinse their underwear in the sink or shower before washing. Avoid fabric softeners, bleach and the dryer. It’s okay to wash your underwear with other clothing — the blood won’t stain the other items in the washer.

If you do choose to buy period underwear for your child, it’s not a bad idea to also teach them how to do laundry. Ellen Friedrichs, health educator in Brooklyn and the author of “Good Sexual Citizenship: How To Create A (Sexually) Safer World,” says that the pre-pubescent years are a great time for this, if you’re lucky enough to have a washing machine at home.

This helps “to give them body privacy, not to help you out as a grown-up, but to gain privacy around things like periods and wet dreams,” said Friedrichs.

Every menstrual hygiene product has its own advantages and disadvantages.

Of course, there are also other options.

“Pads are traditionally the first go-to,” said Wise. “They’re easy to explain, they’re easy to get.” And they’re what the school nurse likely has on hand.

But some teens find pads uncomfortable. They may say it feels like wearing a diaper, or worry about others noticing the outline of the pad through their clothing.

“I like to reassure people that you normally can’t see a pad. But even if, psychologically, you think someone can see a pad through leggings,” said Friedrichs, period underwear “might give you that sense of comfort that nobody can see that this is happening.”

Tampons, cups and discs “can be useful for people with active lifestyles” and for swimming, said Wise. “But they do just take just a little bit more education and finesse.”

What else should your tween/teen know about menstruation?

Wise says that most people get their first period between the ages of 11 and 13, but it can also happen in the years before or after. A person usually has a first period two to three years after the first signs of breast development, “which can just seem like a little puffiness around the nipples,” said Friedrichs.

“It’s really hard to predict what a first period will look like,” Wise explained. Blood may be red or brown, flow light or heavy, and the person may or may not have other symptoms such as bloating or cramps.

“Sometimes people are nervous that it’s going to be like turning on a tap, and that you’re gonna have this rush of water, but it’s really, for most people, more like a drip,” Friedrichs said.

People can expect their periods to be irregular for the first year or two of menstruation. They may come 21-45 days apart, and may not be the same number of days apart each cycle.

“The hormones that the brain makes to tell the ovaries to make oestrogen and progesterone hasn’t found its rhythm yet,” said Wise. “Ovulation is not part of every cycle.”

While there is plenty of variety in what’s considered normal, Wise says there are several reasons to bring a tween or teen to the doctor:

No periods by age 15, or 3 years after breast development
Periods more than three months apart
Bleeding longer than seven days per cycle
Heavy bleeding that requires changing menstrual products every two hours
Any symptoms that interfere with their lifestyle or their quality of life

“Nobody should feel like they can’t go to school,” said Friedrichs, whether due to heavy bleeding, pain, or other physical or emotional symptoms they’re having with their cycles.

“For pain with periods, a lot of it is considered normal — but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s something that we have to put up with,” said Wise.

A doctor can recommend different options for treating period pain and other symptoms, and adults should remember that even if they lived with significant menstrual discomfort, that doesn’t mean a child needs to. (While many teens fear going to the gynaecologist, thinking it means they will need a pelvic exam, Wise said she performs “surprisingly few” of these exams on patients under 21.)

As for leaks and stains, Wise said “the most important thing is to anticipate it and to know that at some point it happens to everyone.”

“It’s a very normal experience. Especially those first few years, it’s hard to predict when you’re going to have your period,” she said.

Having back-up underwear and pants at school can help, but the old trick of tying a sweatshirt around your waist works just fine too.

Friedrichs tells her students, “most of us have had this happen if we’ve had our periods. And there’s a lot of uncomfortable things that happen when you’re going through life with the human body, and that’s gonna possibly be one of them. And doesn’t mean that you’re gross or dirty or bad.”

How To Teach Kids The Importance Of Accountability

Posted on 10/12/2023 by Boris Clair

We’re living in a time and place in which it often seems the people in charge have no sense of accountability ― whether it’s governors rejecting mask mandates and other public health measures aimed at keeping people safe, or leaders failing to own up to their role in big and small failures.

On an everyday level, many adults don’t understand the consequences of their actions and refuse to acknowledge when they’ve made mistakes. And as always, our children are watching. So perhaps now, more than ever, is the time for parents to focus on teaching kids about accountability.

“Accountability is a way to take responsibility for actions you’re in charge of,” Priya Tahim, a licensed professional counsellor and founder of Kaur Counseling, told HuffPost. “By teaching kids personal accountability, you’re teaching them that mistakes happen and when those mistakes happen, it’s important to learn to fix or grow from them.”

“It helps instill moral values of right and wrong, even when there is no one watching,” she added. “It also allows kids to see that it’s OK to make mistakes, and there are ways to move forward from those mistakes.”

So how can parents create a culture of accountability in their homes? Below, Tahim and other experts share their advice.

Start small.

“Parents are unsure sometimes about when to actually start asking their kids to be accountable,” Sheryl Ziegler, a psychologist and the author of “Mommy Burnout,” told HuffPost. “I feel like it starts when they’re toddlers, and it’s as simple as, ‘We can play with the puzzle but when we’re all done, we need to clean it up.’”

She noted that kids may wander off to play with something else or get a snack when the puzzle is finished, and too often parents resort to just cleaning it up themselves because it’s faster and easier that way. But it’s better to provide opportunities for kids to take ownership of their own little responsibilities.

“If you start early, you start setting the foundation that it’s important to be accountable: ‘Sure we can play with that now, as long as we clean this up,’” Ziegler said. “You can make it fun and have cute cleanup songs like they do in preschool, but bring it into the home to reinforce that this is how the world works.”

Give more responsibilities.

As kids get older, you can give them more things to be responsible for. The key is to make sure the tasks are developmentally appropriate, such as asking toddlers to pick up their toys and books at the end of the day.

“For kids that might be a little bit older, it could look like packing your own lunch, packing your own backpack, making your bed, or putting all of your dirty clothes in the hamper,” clinical psychologist and author Jenny Yip said. “Kids begin to understand that they do have responsibilities, and the choices they make ultimately have consequences. It also teaches them free will and how to be responsible citizens of society ― it’s ‘I do have a part in what happens in the world.’”

Responsibilities lead to opportunities for accountability. Cindy Graham, a psychologist and founder of Brighter Hope Wellness Center, advised allowing children to be Mommy or Daddy’s “helper” ― getting a diaper for their baby sibling, helping out in the kitchen or even picking up groceries when they reach their teen years.

“Kids are likely to continue on with actions they feel motivated to do and find highly rewarding,” Graham said. “Therefore, parents should also ask their kids for ways they would like to show how responsible they can be.”

Teach them about consequences.

“Accountability means taking ownership of the decisions and the choices you make, and accepting whatever consequences those choices come with,” Yip said. “It’s important for every young child to learn so that they understand cause and effect and how the choices they make have consequences, positive or negative.”

There are many everyday opportunities for kids to make decisions or take actions and then experience the natural consequences of those choices, said Amanda Gummer, a child psychologist and founder of The Good Play Guide.

“For example, I suggest don’t fight them if they don’t want to take a coat, but then when they moan about being cold or wet, simply explain that that is why you suggested taking a coat in the first instance, but that it was their decision not to bother. So they now need to put up with the discomfort that results,” Gummer told HuffPost.

“Perhaps they might not want to eat their lunch,” she added as another example. “There’s no need to start an argument or fight about it, but just make it clear there’s nothing else to eat until dinnertime and so if they are hungry, they will have to deal with it.”

Children should also understand that even when they experience negative consequences resulting from their choices, there’s always an opportunity to make things better or try again next time.

Parents should help their children understand the positive and negative consequences of their actions.

Offer positive reinforcement.

“Don’t forget praise at all age levels,” said Lea Lis, a psychiatrist who works with both children and adults. “Parents tend to notice when kids mess up, but when they are doing really well, they ignore it. Praise your child that is doing well with their accountability at all times, and catch them being good!”

Kids should learn that taking responsibility isn’t just about negative consequences, but about positive rewards as well. In addition to verbal praise, positive reinforcement can also come in the form of allowance for doing chores, gold stars for good behavior or a reward chart to earn prizes.

The important thing is to just acknowledge their accountability in some way, even with the little things.

“If they cleaned their room or made their bed on their own, you want to reinforce that,” Ziegler said. “You can say something like, ‘Good job this morning! I really appreciate how you made your bed, and I didn’t even have to tell you. That makes the morning so nice. Now we can get out of the house and go to the pool sooner.’”

Model accountability.

“I believe the primary way parents can teach their kids accountability every day is to model these behaviours,” Graham said.

She recommended that parents set an example by actively and openly practicing taking accountability for their actions. This can involve things like apologizing when they make mistakes, acknowledging when their behaviors or emotions are more extreme than a situation warrants, or identifying ways to make amends when they hurt others.

“Children are likely to repeat what they see others doing, so it is important for caregivers to be aware of the lessons kids are learning from them,” Graham said.

Parents can also use examples from their kids’ favorite shows and movies to talk about how the characters take accountability for their actions.

Show consistency.

“I would say consistency is the most important thing a parent can do while teaching their kids to be accountable ― consistency in how they handle times their child doesn’t take responsibility, or creating and following family rules,” Tahim said.

She recommended teaching children to follow a routine, such as waking up, brushing teeth, making the bed, showering, etc. Although parents are often exhausted, it’s valuable to make sure kids are adhering to these steps on a regular basis.

“As adults, we know that not brushing your teeth or not showering can not only have physical consequences, but social,” Tahim said. “So if you teach your child to follow a routine and they don’t follow through, it’s up to the parents to correct that action. In many cases, parents will often set rules but not follow through on the consequences once they set them. This behaviour promotes irresponsibility by teaching kids that their behaviour is acceptable and they don’t have to accept responsibility.”

Discuss the feelings involved.

Teaching a kid accountability can also help them learn how to process their feelings in an appropriate way, Tahim said.

Of course, everyone gets anxious, upset, angry and so forth. Being accountable involves learning to take charge of your emotions and process them in healthy ways, such as taking deep breaths, journaling or talking about how you feel.

“For example, discourage throwing things, hitting, biting, yelling as a form of anger release. Instead, try to have them release in a healthy way and be accountable for how they feel,” Tahim said. “Encourage them to explore what triggers their feelings and ways they can accept responsibility for those triggers.”

Be open-minded.

“The more open-minded a parent can be in teaching their kids accountability, the better,” Graham said. “Remember, kids will make mistakes. Parents should take care to self-regulate and not have large emotional displays when their kids struggle with accountability. This can lead their child to be less likely to want to talk about times where accountability is difficult for them.”

It’s also important for kids to understand the difference between the things they can and can’t control.

“Good mental health comes from correctly taking responsibility for things within their control ― for example, how hard they study for an exam ― while not taking responsibility for things they can’t control, like the disruption to schooling because of COVID, the lockdowns and home schooling,” Gummer said.

Parents can help their kids recognise the difference and ensure they don’t take responsibility for things they shouldn’t. Psychotherapist Noel McDermott emphasised that children often have an egocentric mindset in that they think bad things happening around them are their fault.

“A child might feel responsible for their parents’ feelings, so it’s important to model healthy boundaries around this,” he told HuffPost. “Mostly this will be achieved by, as parents, making it clear that your child cannot lose your love, and also by modelling and explaining when Mummy or Daddy is upset, it’s never because of them.”

Promote their independence.

“You want to build up an accountability system that eventually doesn’t rely on you,” Lis said. “For example, you might want to help them with their organisation skills or homework when they are in elementary school, but eventually, you want them to figure out how to check their assignments and organise their desks and rooms without your help.”

While you may reward your children for doing their homework when they’re young, consider longer stretches of time between such reinforcements as they get older (i.e. only rewarding bigger milestones like good report cards for teenagers).

Promoting their independence and sense of accountability also empowers kids to take ownership of their successes and failures.

“This reduces children blaming other people for things that go wrong and also helps kids feel good about themselves when things do go well, which also builds confidence,” Yip said. “Essentially, being accountable builds resiliency.”

Throwing A Mattress Out A Window, Burning Shoes … Are Shock Tactics In Parenting A Good Idea?

Posted on 07/10/2023 by Boris Clair

Arnold Schwarzenegger, 76, has filled many roles in his life — bodybuilder, actor, politician — and people have scrutinised his performance in these very different realms. Schwarzenegger is also a father of five, and he’s recently been opening up about some unconventional parenting tactics he used when raising his children.

Schwarzenegger shares Katherine, 33, Christina, 31, Patrick, 30, and Christopher, 26, with ex-wife Maria Shriver. He disclosed in 2011 that he fathered a son, Joseph Baena (now 26), with the family’s housekeeper.

In an appearance on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on Monday to promote his upcoming book, “Be Useful: Seven Tools for Life,” Schwarzenegger explained, “For the way I grew up, I was lenient, but I think for American standards I was probably strict.” He demanded that all of his children “make their own bed, scrub their own showers, they have to clean their own toilet and they have to wash their own clothes.”

One day, in response to his son repeatedly letting the nanny make the bed, Schwarzenegger said, “I opened up the doors, grabbed the mattress and threw it out the balcony down into the swimming pool.” Patrick then had to retrieve the mattress and pillows, which his dad had also tossed out the window.

The former Republican governor of California also reported that he threw his daughter’s shoes into the fireplace and burned them after she failed several times to put the shoes away properly.

He also said he taught his son to turn off the lights when he left his bedroom to conserve electricity by unscrewing one lightbulb each time he forgot — until his son was left in the dark.

“He was 5 years old, and he was freaking out going alone into his room at night when it was dark,” Schwarzenegger said. “I put the lightbulbs back, [and] from that point on he always turned off the lights.”

Though these incidents are unusual, every frustrated parent has had the thought, “Someone needs to teach that kid a lesson!”

Even if they’re effective, are shock parenting tactics a good idea? HuffPost asked child therapists to weigh in on the pros and cons of this approach to managing kids’ behaviour.

The Potential Effect Of Shock Tactics

Schwarzenegger related these incidents with pride, triumphant that they had been effective.

There are some advantages to an outsized reaction. “Shock tactics can get your child’s attention for sure. And it can be useful in breaking habits,” psychologist Jen Hartstein told HuffPost.

But there are a number of potential downsides, including damaging your child’s trust, increasing their anxiety and depression, and harming your relationship with them.

Though Schwarzenegger explained that he told his daughter he would burn the shoes if she left them in the wrong place again and then followed through on this promise, such a drastic move — particularly when unplanned and executed in the heat of the moment — might cause anxiety or lead a kid to conclude that a parent is unsafe.

A child might wonder, “If I do this, how’s my dad going to react?” said Jennifer Kelman, a licensed clinical social worker who is a mental health expert on JustAnswer. If your reactions are sometimes extreme, “that child learns to walk on eggshells,” she told HuffPost.

Hartstein pointed out that these kinds of tactics often rely on evoking shame in your child. “If your child becomes afraid of you or worried that they will be shamed for making mistakes, it will negatively impact trust,” she explained, which is “the basis of a child/parent relationship.

“It can also cause young people to have an increase in anxiety or depression due to being invalidated and taught through fear, not reinforcement and support.”

Alternative Ways To Encourage Kids To Change Their Behavior

A shock tactic might achieved its desired result: your kid changing their behaviour. But there are other ways to accomplish this that won’t involve risks to your relationship — or destruction of property, for that matter.

Kelman offered the example of explaining to your kid that if they leave their shoes out again, they will have to do some volunteer work with a community organisation. It’s a consequence but a less punitive and frightening one.

In the example of making the bed, Kelman suggested stripping the sheets from the bed and making the child wash them and remake the bed. This tactic would hopefully deter a child from failing to make their bed again and doesn’t pose any physical or psychological danger.

It’s important for parents to set boundaries, Kelman explained. These will be different for every family, but whatever boundary is set should be consistently enforced.

“There needs to be a consequence when time and time again, your child is crossing that boundary and not respecting it,” Kelman said.

“Setting your boundary, being clear on what the consequences are, if it’s not met, and then sticking to it without being harmful,” she continued, is a healthy way for parents to respond to kids’ behaviour.

However, it’s important to spend more time focusing on what your child is doing right rather than what they are doing wrong.

“Research suggests that punishment does not teach new behaviours,” Hartstein explained. Punishment can be important, but positive reinforcement is more effective in getting your child to change their ways.

“If you want to teach new behaviours or want your children to change behaviours, you have to reinforce the things you want while ignoring the things you don’t want,” Hartstein said, adding that children want attention and will try to get it any way they can, even when that attention is negative.

Positive reinforcement is the basis of systems like sticker charts, but it can also be as simple as consistent praise (“Great job putting your shoes on the shoe rack! Thank you!”)

Of Course, You Will Snap At Some Point — It’s What You Do After That Matters

Although few of us will pitch a mattress out the window, almost all of us will have an outsized reaction to our child’s behaviour. When our requests or reminders are repeatedly ignored, we eventually lose it — sometimes in a unique way but predominantly just by yelling.

“All of us are humans, whether we’re parents or children, and we do lose our minds. We do get our buttons pushed, and we may not always react well,” Kelman said.

In addition to scaring our children, yelling definitely qualifies as negative attention. It’s not the kind of positive reinforcement that is more likely to change their behaviour. It can also scare your child.

Such moments, however, actually offer you a chance to connect with your child and strengthen your relationship.

Kelman explained: “This is your opportunity to go back to child and say, ‘You know what? I was reflective on how Mommy handled it. I didn’t love how I handled it. I lost my mind. I’m so sorry if you were scared. I’m so sorry, and I want to do it better next time.’”

Doing this shows your child that you, too, are a fallible human. It also models for them “that you can go back and apologise and be expressive about your feelings” and teaches them “that you’re safe and that they can come to you when they lose their mind,” Kelman said.

“We should never just beat ourselves up” when we explode like that, she said. “We have to go back and be open and vulnerable. You’re teaching so much to your child. … We want them to be able to feel safe enough to come to us.”

I Quit My Job To Stay Home With The Kids — And It’s Not What You’d Expect

Posted on 22/09/2023 by Boris Clair

Simi Sapir immigrated to New York City from Israel when she was 10 years old and grew up watching her parents hustle, taking on multiple jobs to provide for their four children. Her mother worked in a day care and a supermarket, and her father, who had a master’s degree in engineering, took to driving a taxi at one point in order to bring in income.

By the time she was a teen, Sapir was spending her summers working as a camp counselor. Over the years, she worked at the same supermarket as her mother, a store and a pizza shop.

“I think immigrant mentality, especially growing up in Queens, New York, it was like, you work — and not only do you work, but it’s in your blood to work. And I think that was, from a very early age, instilled in me,” Sapir told HuffPost.

She carried this commitment to paid work and financial independence through college, at one point taking a semester off to work in order to be able to pay for school. After graduation, she headed at full speed into a career in business, and by the time she turned 30, she’d already overseen the acquisitions of two companies. Hers was “the perfect VP of sales resume,” she said, and she didn’t slow her pace when she became pregnant — even hopping on an airplane when she was eight months along in order to close a deal.

Simi Sapir left a successful, demanding career in business to care for her daughter full-time.

As planned, Sapir returned to her position 12 weeks after her daughter’s birth. The pandemic had hit, so she was working from home while a nanny cared for the baby. But working her usual long hours no longer felt manageable.

Every day, she said, felt like “a crazy grind.”

“I just felt like, ‘Why is my kid with somebody from 9 to 5, and I can’t go to my kitchen because if she sees me, she starts screaming [and] then I feel bad.’”

Early morning calls from her CEO, she found, now felt like “a sacrifice” and “intruding into my personal time.”

The tipping point came when her boss offered her a new job title that would come with more responsibilities and a salary increase — the sort of offer that Sapir would’ve jumped at earlier in her career. This time, however, she looked at the offer and said, “This is just not worth it.”

After 16 months of what she describes as the push and pull of this situation, Sapir quit. Yes, she was exhausted — but she didn’t leave because she felt incapable of continuing. Rather, she left because she felt confident that full-time mothering was the right move.

The company offered more flexibility, part-time work and increased compensation to try to convince Sapir to change her mind. But she was resolute.

What they didn’t understand, she said, was that “it’s not the money.”

“The idea that I want to jump into this new chapter in my life, which, by the way, is not — as I tried to explain to them — is not less important or more important; it’s equally a different chapter. Just like you focus on your career, you can focus on your family.”

“About one month back into work, I knew it was not going to work out.”

– Lisa Ziemba

Lisa Ziemba, a Colorado mom who is expecting her second child next month, had a similar experience after her daughter was born two years ago. When her maternity leave ended, she returned to her position as the manager of HR for a group of construction companies.

Ziemba was working from 8 in the morning until 5 or 6 at night, with a 40-minute commute each way. She was putting in additional hours after getting her daughter to bed as well. “I was getting like maybe an hour a day with her — which just did not feel right.”

Of her decision to leave her job, Ziemba told HuffPost, “I didn’t see it coming, going into my maternity leave. But about one month back into work, I knew it was not going to work out.”

As with Sapir, Ziemba’s superiors tried to dissuade her with offers of flex time and increased compensation.

“We kind of went back and forth where they were like, ‘What can we give you?’ And I was like, ‘I need time.’ They were like, ‘That’s the one thing we can’t give you.’”

Who are today’s stay-at-home mothers?

The decision to spend time with their young children at home is one that mothers like Ziemba and Sapir have made consciously. Having experienced life in both worlds, they decided to extend their time in the role of what we typically refer to as a stay-at-home mother.

It’s a bit of a misnomer, Sapir notes, “Because I’m literally never home.”

It’s also a far cry from the old June Cleaver image of a mom who never pursues a career or acquires any of her own income and dedicates any time she’s not with her children to cooking and housekeeping.

“I don’t even own an apron,” Sapir noted.

A recent report from Mother Untitled, a digital community for mothers “choosing to pause or shift [their] career to make room for family life,” reveals that, while they’re up against some of the same stereotypes, the lives of today’s full-time mothers and their expectations for the future are markedly different than those of their predecessors.

The report details a survey of 1,200 mothers who had left or were considering leaving their jobs for full or part-time stay-at-home motherhood. The mothers were between the ages of 25-54 and had bachelor’s degrees, children under age 18 at home and a minimum annual income of $25,000 (ages 35-34) or $35,000 (ages 35 and up).

In some cases, these mothers worked part-time or occasional hours, often remotely. They likely worked up until their transition to parenthood and anticipated returning to the workforce in some capacity in the coming years.

A majority of the mothers surveyed, 7 in 10, said that they “chose to pause their careers for parenthood.” In comparison, 1 in 10 felt forced out of their jobs, while 2 in 10 felt both that they chose and were forced.

Elizabeth Burdett didn't plan to become a stay-at-home mom. She said the opportunity "fell into my lap." — Elizabeth Burdett didn’t plan to become a stay-at-home mom. She said the opportunity “fell into my lap.”

If you’re wondering what that last category could possibly look like, Elizabeth Burdett’s story illustrates the way that an economy shifting toward gig work can push parents away from full-time employment. And some, like Burdett, find that they prefer the place where they’ve landed.

Burdett worked full-time from home writing content for a website and returned to this position (with the support of a nanny) once her maternity leave was up. Then, around the time she found out she was pregnant with her second child, the company was sold, and Burdett was laid off.

As she was both expecting a baby and preparing for a move, Burdett decided not to pursue another full-time position. She did freelance work before her second son was born and again between his birth and the arrival of a third child.

“Since having all three of them, I have dabbled a little bit in some freelance writing and copyediting work, but for the most part, I am home with my boys,” Burdett told HuffPost. “I do a little copyediting work, but 80-85% of the time, I’m a stay-at-home mom.”

“I didn’t at first intentionally say, ‘I am quitting my job, I want to stay at home,’ but it fell into my lap,” she said.

Still, she sees the arrangement as a choice her family made to suit its current needs. “We are making the decision to have me be at home and experience those early years. I want to,” she said.

“I’m well aware that I have the privilege to make that decision if I want to work or not,” she added.

Of course, there are also still mothers who have always wanted to stay at home with young children and simply follow through with that plan. Emily Holewczynski is a mother of five in the Chicago area who left her job as a marketing manager for a law firm when her first child was born.

Emily Holewczynski, a mother of five, always planned to be a full-time mother to her children.

“It sounds anti-feminist, but it’s what I’ve always wanted to do,” Holewczynski told HuffPost. “My mom stayed home with me, and I’m actually the oldest of five kids as well. It’s what I knew, and I was blessed and fortunate enough to have a wonderful childhood. And in my mind, a large part of that was because my mom was there every day with us.”

“I just knew that if I was lucky enough to be in a financial position where I could do that for my kids, that I wanted to be able to,” she added.

Holewczynski appreciates that staying home gives her control over the handling of her children’s needs.

“It gives me peace of mind to in knowing that some of those more delicate moments are being handled by by me — the person who loves [my daughter] the most,” she said.

Most mothers in the survey said their reasons for staying home included wanting to spend time with their child (83%) and not missing their child’s learning/developmental milestones (77%). In comparison, 62% cited the cost of child care as a reason for staying home.

Seventy-two percent said the loss of household income was worth the advantages of having a parent at home. However, their financial lives were not free from stress. They worried about having to rely on their partners for income (56%), not having enough money for leisure activities (52%) and not having enough money for emergencies (41%). The longer women had been in the workforce before deciding to stay home, the more likely they were to have financial worries.

The full-time mothers of today still face old stereotypes.

While today’s stay-at-home mothers are choosing to leave the workforce and see the benefits of their decision, they face a lot of the same challenges as women of generations past. Sixty-eight percent of those surveyed, for example, reported that they felt underappreciated.

The idea that mothers should put their children first and themselves last is also alive and well. When asked to select the different ways they measured their success from a list of options, 54% of the full-time mothers selected their children’s mental health. Thirty-one percent selected their kids’ physical health. Yet only 19% selected their own mental health — the same percentage that chose “If my home is clean and organised” — and a scant 4% selected their own physical health.

Full-time mothers understand that the work they’re doing is important and has a huge impact on their families. At the same time, they know that their unpaid labor is dismissed by society at large — and, as the report suggests, they often dismiss it themselves by neglecting their own needs.

When you’re a full-time, unpaid child care provider, for example, it can feel strange to pay someone else for a few hours of child care.

Ziemba says she is able to meet her child care needs by turning to local family members. She also belongs to a child care co-op, and this grants her a few hours a week to do work for a foundation she is involved in.

The survey found that grandparents were the child care providers that full-time mothers most often turned to, with 39% using this option. But for those without family nearby, there seemed to be few alternatives.

“I have a very hard time wrapping my head around asking for help, considering I am [a] full-time, stay-at-home [mom],” Burdett said. At the same time, she has seen how taking a little time away for herself has “rejuvenated” her and has value.

“Just because you’re home doesn’t mean you don’t need support — but it’s something I struggle with,” she said.

What will be the next chapter?

Most of the mothers in the survey and all of the mothers HuffPost spoke to plan to do paid work again at some point. Few, however, have their sights set on a typical 9-to-5 office job.

Mothers in the survey reported that the top things they would look for in their next job were: flexibility (85%), stress level (74%) and salary (71%). Those jobs probably won’t look like the full-time-plus corporate positions that Sapir and Ziemba once had — and they aren’t longing for that kind of work again anytime soon.

Motherhood has shifted their priorities and their perspective, they say, and their needs and desires have changed.

Ziemba doesn’t have plans to return to work until her youngest child is in preschool — and she and her husband still haven’t decided how many children they’d like to have. So work is years away, but she imagines perhaps working more for the foundation she’s involved in or setting up her own home organizing business.

No matter which avenue she pursues, she’s not currently feeling any rush to get there.

“I’m no longer driven by the fear of, ‘How long am I going to be out and is it going to ruin my career?’” she said.

“I was really fearful when I left that I was ending my career. And since then, I’ve met so many women who have also left to care for their young kids and have gotten back into the workforce and have found roles that are actually more interesting and engaging than the ones that they had before. And it’s shifted my mindset a lot,” Ziemba said.

Several of the mothers interviewed are interested in writing-related work, which can frequently be done on a freelance basis with flexible hours.

“The notions of stay-at-home and working mother are no longer black and white,” Neha Ruch, CEO of Mother Untitled, told HuffPost. “There’s a gray area.”

In contrast to what many people assume, full-time mothering no longer looks like it did in the 1970s. Today’s mothers, Ruch explained, are more educated, have more equal relationships with their partners, and are more digitally connected than any previous generation.

These mothers, she continued, want “to basically take a lot of the consciousness they brought to their career and bring it to the home for a period of time.”

In a post she made on LinkedIn to announce her decision to step back from her career, Sapir wrote: “Ultimately, if you are doing something you love with people you love in a place you love, you’re going to create something of great value to the world.”

This Mum Is Going Viral For Teaching Her Sons Life Skills Sans Gender Roles

Posted on 06/09/2023 by Boris Clair

Payal Desai is on a mission to make sure she’s raising boys who can take care of themselves and their emotions.

The teacher and mom from New Jersey is going viral on TikTok for sharing a series of life lessons that she’s giving her sons Carter, 7, and Dev, 3.

The videos ― which are soundtracked to Luniz’s 1995 hit “I Got 5 On It” and conclude with Desai deadpanning to the camera ― show the mom of two teaching the boys how to be non-dusty husbands to their future partners. (For the unfamiliar, “your dusty son” has become something of a meme lately; to be dusty is to exhibit an undesirable mix of laziness and general scrub-like behaviour.)

In one viral clip, she encourages Carter to make space for his feelings so he’ll know it’s normal to express what’s going on inside when he’s in a relationship. “Teaching my son to write down his feelings when he’s upset so your daughter won’t have to deal with his impulsive outbursts,” her caption reads.

Payal Desai/TikTok

“I want to equip my sons with tools in dealing with their emotions, but also let them know that there is always space for them, too,” Desai said.

In another clip, Dev watches as his mom gets rid of peach fuzz above her lip so he’s not weird about women having body hair. “Teaching my son that facial hair on a female is perfectly normal so he never thinks it’s ok to embarrass someone for it,” it reads.

Payal Desai/TikTok

Desai’s video about normalizing female facial hair is particularly popular. “I thank you for this from the bottom of my heart, from someone who was constantly bullied for her peach fuzz and hairy arms/legs,” one woman wrote in the comments.

In another, she reminds Carter it’s important to do an equal share of chores around the house. (You might think younger couples would be more egalitarian in their approach to household chores, but according to studies, you’d be wrong.)

“Teaching my son that dirty clothes go IN the hamper so your daughter doesn’t have to pick his underwear up off the bathroom floor every night,” she typed.

In an interview with HuffPost, Desai said that she and her husband are trying to raise boys who can take care of themselves and not bottle up their emotions.

“Too often boys are told to ‘suck it up’ and hide their true feelings, and eventually, to ‘man up,’” she said. “I want to equip my sons with tools in dealing with their emotions but also let them know that there is always space for them, too.”

Desai was inspired to create the series after watching a comedic TikTok series from Eric Taylor — @girldad_e, as he’s known online — about raising daughters who know their worth and can recognise and steer clear of people’s “dusty sons.”

“I told my sister I wanted to do this trend but from the perspective of a mom of boys, and the first video really took off,” Desai said. “I then realised there was so much ground to cover.”

Payal Desai/TikTok

In another clip, Desai washes dishes with her son so his future partner doesn’t have to “deal with a man who was catered to his whole life.”

Though most of the comments on the videos are supportive (“First boy mom on TikTok that’s not toxic, love to see it,” “Is it too late to send this to my mother in law?”), some have remarked that they found the videos problematic.

“Picking up your underwear, being able to make something to eat for yourself and self regulation are not a favour or a gift to other women or people for that matter,” one woman wrote in an Instagram repost of the videos. “It is the literal bare minimum parents should teach their kids irrespective of gender.”

Desai disagrees with that line of criticism.

“If it were ‘standard,’ then many more people would live their lives according to these lessons,” she said. “The problem is it is not standard, and these are issues of equity we have to start talking about. I know it makes some people feel uncomfortable, but change only happens in discomfort.”

Payal Desai/TikTok

In one video, Desai and her sons Carter, 7, and Dev, 3, watch women’s soccer so “they understand what it means to be an ally to women.”

She has acknowledged feedback about referring to her sons’ future partners, promising to use more inclusive language. By and large, though, the response to the videos has been positive.

“Over the course of a month, my following on the platforms have skyrocketed, and I am so thankful it’s sending this positive message to dispel traditional gender roles and norms,” she said.

Dev and Carter, meanwhile, got a kick out of appearing on “Good Morning Philadelphia” TV show last week while his parents discussed the viral clips.

“Carter especially really got it more after the morning show!” Desai said. “He has enjoyed the recognition and understands the weight it holds.”

To see all of her videos, head to Desai’s TikTok or Instagram page.

‘My Tween Is Ruining My Marriage’

Posted on 18/08/2023 by Boris Clair

You’re reading Between Us, a place for parents to offload and share their tricky parenting dilemmas. Share your parenting dilemma here and we’ll seek advice from experts.

Parents have a lot to juggle in their own lives, as well as their children’s lives. So it’s no surprise then that when tweens (and teens) start to act out, it can feel like you’re teetering on the edge.

Ripples are felt far and wide – on your own mental health, on your relationship – the whole situation can swiftly spiral.

Such is the case for one parent, who shared their parenting dilemma on Reddit this week:

“My child is ruining my marriage. My eldest is almost a teenager and this year has been tough on her. She’s lost a lot of friends in school, has had to deal with a new sibling taking our attention and she’s got a rare pain condition. We have tried so hard to be supportive. We’ve tried giving her advice, attention, space, support, solutions and bent over backwards to be kind to her. It’s been hard though because she’s responded with an attitude that stinks and acting like she doesn’t care.

“I’m honestly at a loss because I don’t know what to do and me and my husband have had so many rows about her and her behaviour. We’ve just had a huge blow up and I honestly don’t know if we can come back from this. He’s so angry that she’s gone to do nice things today after speaking to me like shit and I was cross too and things were said that blew up. I can’t stop crying. I feel awful. I’ve failed as a mother and a wife.”

So, what can they do?

1. Be kind to yourself

Counselling Directory member Jenny Warwick says that, first and foremost, parents in this position need to prioritise themselves. “You have not failed as a mother or wife,” she says. “This is the time when you need to be kind to yourself.

“Remember, you won’t be able to help others if you feel drained and exhausted. Taking breaks for self-care is not selfish; it’s necessary.”

Family Lives, a charity supporting families, recommends that parents take time to relax; treat themselves occasionally; talk about their concerns with friends, partners or online forums; and learn techniques for coping with low mood, sadness and depression or anxiety.

2. Know that the tween period is really hard for all involved

Research actually suggests the tween period – when children are eight to 13 years old – are the hardest years of parenting.

According to parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith, this is because they are much more emotionally exhausting, not to mention less rewarding than, say, the toddler years when your child still relies on you for so much and is learning a lot, too.

Warwick agrees that this period can be “particularly tricky” to manage for parents. “Part of being a tween is finding independence and forging their own path, resulting in a strong push away from their parents,” she explains.

“As far as you are concerned, this has come out of nowhere and feels personal. However, recognising this as a typical part of preteen development can make the emotional burden easier to bear.”

On top of that, she acknowledges it sounds like the daughter is going through a lot – navigating shifts in friendships, coping with a pain condition and a new sibling.

But while this might contribute to her behaviour, “none of this gives her an excuse to be rude”, adds the counsellor.

If your child appears to be particularly struggling mentally, it might be worth speaking to your GP or a mental health charity – like The Mix, YoungMinds and Relate – for further advice.

3. Remember: your daughter still needs you

When your child is pushing you away, it might be tempting to just let them – especially when their attitude towards you leaves little to be desired – but Warwick suggests the daughter needs her parents now more than ever.

That said, the way to offer support to her is very different at this stage in her life than when she was younger, she suggests.

“Helping her find solutions is much more effective than jumping in to fix things for her. This can be a hard change in approach for parents to make, but it is the way forward,” says Warwick.

At the same time, you need to prioritise yourself and help your daughter recognise that your life doesn’t revolve around her, suggests the therapist.

4. Carve out time to be with your partner

When you welcome a new child, your relationship can instantly be put on the back-burner – add wider family discord into the mix, and things get trickier.

It will undoubtedly put pressure on a romantic relationship. And, to top that off, children can sense any tension, which might prompt further behavioural changes.

“You and your husband need to be on the same page regarding parenting,” says Warwick. “It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, too, with a new child.”

Verywell Family recommends parents try the following tips to help get back on the same page:

Determine what the consequences are for your children breaking rules in your home and stick to them.
Create parenting rules together and if you don’t agree on some of them, talk it out. Then share these rules with the wider household.
Back each other up in front of the kids and don’t disagree with each other in front of them.
Listen to each other, compromise where you can, and remember you’re on the same team.

Warwick’s advice to this parent is to give the relationship some care, “as it’s much easier if you are in this together”. This means taking time to be together as a couple to maintain a connection.

“Doing this lets you devise a plan of action together and establish agreed-upon boundaries for your family,” she adds.

Help and support:

Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI – this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.