Tag Archives: grandparents

I’m A Grandma To 10 Kids – Here Are 4 Common Mistakes Grandparents Make

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Grandparents can have such a positive effect on family life – but sometimes, they might overstep, and things can swiftly turn sour.

Research from Michigan Medicine found almost half of parents have butted heads with grandparents over parenting choices, often involving discipline, snacks and screen time.

Yet when families get along, the benefits can be far-ranging – not only do studies show that grandparents who are actively involved in their grandchildren’s lives tend to live longer, but kids with close relationships to their grandparents often experience fewer behavioural problems.

Parenting expert Esther Wojcicki, who is a grandmother to 10 children, is a firm believer that successful grandparenting starts with “respecting your adult children’s parenting choices”.

The author of How to Raise Successful People and founder of the Parenting TRICK app, has walked us through four common mistakes grandparents make – as well as advice for building healthier, happier family dynamics.

Here’s what she had to say…

1. Overstepping parental boundaries

“Many grandparents instinctively feel they know what’s best, having already raised their own children,” said Wojcicki. “It’s natural to want to guide your adult kids in their parenting journey, but taking charge or telling them what they should or should not do can cause tension.” Remember, your child is an adult.

Solution

“Open, honest communication is vital. Parents and grandparents should discuss expectations and boundaries before issues arise. It can help to have the grandparents acknowledge – verbally or even in writing – that the parents are in charge,” she said.

“Agree not to undermine their authority or contradict their parenting decisions, especially in front of the children. If a misstep happens, address it promptly and honestly. Failing to do so can erode trust – one of the most crucial elements in any relationship.”

2. The problem with sweets and toys

The parenting pro said while it’s very tempting to show love with presents, showering grandchildren with sweets and toys – especially when parents disapprove – can create bigger problems. “While the intention is affection, it can feel like undermining the parents’ wishes and household routines,” she explained.

Solution

Her advice is simple: before bringing treats or gifts, check with the parents. “Ask if certain toys or foods are off-limits, and respect their decisions. A thoughtful note, an outing, or a shared activity can be more meaningful than material gifts, and they reinforce healthy boundaries and habits,” she added.

3. Encouraging secrets

It’s not unheard of for grandparents to let children break a rule with a wink and a “just don’t tell your mum or dad”.

“While it seems innocent – letting them stay up late or sneak an extra cookie – it teaches children that it’s okay to keep secrets from their parents, which is a dangerous precedent,” said the author.

Solution

She warns never to encourage secret-keeping, even over minor issues. “This can send mixed messages about honesty and can even risk children’s safety in more serious situations. Instead, focus on creating memorable moments you’d all be happy to share openly,” she added.

4. Criticism and undermining

And lastly, while it can be tough watching your child parent differently than you did – and even harder not to comment on things like snacks, screen time, or even clothing choices, Wojcicki said criticising your adult child’s parenting – or poking fun at your grandchild – can “hurt feelings and sow discord”.

Solution

Her advice is to aim for encouragement over criticism. “If you disagree with a parenting choice, share your thoughts privately and respectfully,” she said.

“Remember: unless a child’s safety or health is at risk, it’s the parent’s prerogative to make their own mistakes and learn, just as you did.”

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I Work With Grandparents Of Trans Kids. I’m Constantly Stunned By What I Hear Them Say.

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As a gender therapist, I’m used to seeing parents reach out in crisis, teachers struggle to find the right language, and young people vacillate between moments of quiet confidence and deep fear and uncertainty in the current landscape. But there’s one group that continues to surprise me in the best possible way: grandparents of trans youth.

When people imagine advocates for kids, they don’t usually picture these individuals. But week after week, these elders show up — choosing to learn, to grow, and to fight for a future they may not live to see.

TransGenerations began in 2023 as a small, educational support group that my colleague Dani Rosenkrantz and I hoped would meet a quiet need. To our surprise, it filled almost immediately. Within weeks, we had to add a second cohort, then a third, then a fourth. When our original partnership with the Union for Reform Judaism ended due to funding, the grandparents themselves urged us to keep the group going. They weren’t done learning — or loving.

While some of those original members are still with us, the group has grown into a vibrant interfaith, intergenerational community, united by one powerful desire: to show up for the young people they love. We welcome grandparents from all backgrounds and financial circumstances, thanks in part to a scholarship fund that helps make participation accessible to everyone.

In our group, grandparents speak openly about mortality — not with fear, but with clarity. They talk about the time they have left and what kind of world they want to help shape before they go. They know they can’t shield their grandkids from every injustice, but they show up anyway — determined to do everything in their power while they still can.

In a world where older generations are often written off as rigid or out of touch, these grandparents are rewriting the script. They are unlearning decades of assumptions, grappling with rapidly changing cultural norms, practicing pronouns, correcting one another gently, and even educating their adult children. They choose curiosity over certainty, growth over comfort.

There’s the 81-year-old in Florida who calls the group her “chosen family,” and another in Illinois who ends every Zoom call with, “I love you all.” A grandfather is dreaming of a cross-country documentary tour to share the grandparents’ stories of affirming trans youth. One grandmother in Los Angeles told us her teenage grandchild texted her, “Mommy said you’re in a support group for grandparents of trans kids. That made my heart grow 10 sizes.”

And then there are the harder stories — the ones that show how transformation really happens.

There’s one grandmother who says in nearly every session that she’s not sure her grandchild is really trans. She has tested my patience more times than I can count — something we now laugh about — but her doubts haven’t disappeared. What has changed is her willingness to stay present and talk through her feelings.

At first, I thought she wouldn’t return after I gently challenged her. But she did — and not only that, she had read the articles I sent her. She brought notes. She came back with real questions. Most importantly, she continues to be respectful and affirming toward her grandchild in person. The group has become a space where she can wrestle with her fears honestly and be lovingly held accountable by other grandparents who once felt just like her.

You can see her softening, session by session. It’s in how she works harder to use the correct name and pronouns, even when it doesn’t come naturally. It’s in how she reflects on her missteps without defensiveness. Recently, after pausing mid-sentence, she said with a wry smile, “I know I shouldn’t care about anyone’s parts — so now I know better than to ask!” The group chuckled — not at her, but with her. Another grandparent added, “That was hard for me too.”

She’s growing. And so are all of us.

One grandfather recently said, “Sometimes I think it’d be easier if my grandchild were just gay.” That comment opened the door to a powerful conversation. Many in the group lived through the AIDS epidemic — when being gay meant watching friends die, being disowned by family, and living with constant fear. “Thirty years ago,” he added, “I would’ve done anything to keep my grandson from that kind of pain. And now, I’m saying the opposite. That’s how much the world — and I — have changed.”

Others, especially among our original Jewish cohorts, carry the weight of family histories marked by persecution and forced assimilation. These grandparents know what it means to be othered — to be told that hiding who you are is the only path to safety. During one session, a grandparent reflected on how deeply that instinct to blend in had been passed down in their family. “We survived by making ourselves invisible,” they said. “But I don’t want that for my grandchild.”

As the group explored these intergenerational echoes, a theme emerged: the desire to break the cycle. Just as these grandparents would never want their grandchildren to feel they must hide their faith or ethnicity to stay safe, they don’t want them to feel they must hide their gender identity either. That understanding didn’t come from a textbook — it came from their own stories, their own bodies, and a shared sense of what it means to carry inherited fear and choose love anyway.

There’s something profoundly moving about watching a Zoom screen full of people in their 70s, 80s and even 90s — people who could choose comfort or disconnection, but instead, show up week after week with notebooks in hand, eager to learn. One grandmother put it perfectly: “What better reason for becoming a lifelong learner at an advanced age than to love and support our grandchildren?”

They reflect on the gender roles they were raised with. They unlearn language they never questioned. They practice saying “my granddaughter” or “my nonbinary grandchild” aloud, letting the words settle on their tongues like a promise they’re learning to keep.

Having lost my grandparents in recent years, facilitating this group has felt like gaining a room full of wise elders I didn’t know I still needed. They come to learn from me, but the truth is, we’re all learning from each other.

And their growth isn’t just meaningful — it’s potentially lifesaving.

More than 1 in 4 LGBTQ+ youths report experiencing homelessness or housing instability at some point in their lives — often as a direct result of family rejection. The stakes are painfully high. But the presence of just one affirming adult can change everything.

According to The Trevor Project, LGBTQ+ youth with at least one accepting adult are 40% less likely to attempt suicide. For trans youth, being called by their chosen name and correct pronouns leads to 71% fewer symptoms of severe depression and a 34% drop in suicidal thoughts.

That’s the power these grandparents hold — not just to grow, but to protect. Their affirmation can be the difference between isolation and belonging, between despair and hope.

It’s not that they don’t have fears. They worry about their grandchild’s safety. They’re devastated by the current political climate. But they don’t let those fears close their hearts. They keep asking questions. They stay in the room. They volunteer. They sign petitions. They join boards and send money to grassroots organisations. They act.

In a world that often dismisses older adults as immovable or irrelevant, these grandparents are showing what radical love looks like. They’re not just bearing witness to their grandchildren’s identities — they’re actively shaping the legacy they leave behind.

A legacy of compassion, not silence. Of courage, not fear. Of love, lived out loud.

They won’t be here forever — but what they’re choosing now will outlast them all.

Note: Some details have been changed to protect the identities of individuals in this essay.

If you’re a grandparent — or know someone who is — curious, questioning, or simply wanting to show up for a trans or gender-expansive grandchild, the next TransGenerations cohort begins in late June. No knowledge required — just a willingness to grow.

Rebecca Minor, LICSW, is a queer clinician, consultant and educator specialising in trauma, gender and sexuality. Rebecca is the founder of Prism Therapy Collective, offering therapy and coaching to parents and caregivers of transgender youth. She has authored articles on LGBTQ+ youth, contributed to textbooks, and is frequently quoted as an expert on gender-affirming care. Her internationally recognised consulting and coaching work supports organisations, schools and businesses in building cultural responsiveness and inclusivity. She is adjunct faculty at Boston University and the author of the forthcoming book “Raising Trans Kids: What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting This” (Row House, 2025).

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‘Where’s My Village?’: Millennial Parents Say Grandparents Are Missing In Action

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Venting to Mumsnet members, a site user expressed a sentiment many parents seem to relate to online: they are “sad about grandparents not helping [with] childcare,” and feel let down by their lack of a “village”.

In a separate TikTok video, a millennial mum asked: “What if childcare costs are so expensive because there is a lack of grandparents’ willingness to help watch the kids?”

Responding to that video, a Gen X grandmother argued: “It’s not that grandparents are unwilling to watch their grandchildren – it’s that grandparents are still working full-time.”

And according to gerontologist Athena Chan, she’s right.

Grandparenting looks “significantly different” nowadays

Speaking to HuffPost UK, Chan said: “Grandparenting in 2025 looks significantly different from what Baby Boomers experienced” ― not least because grandparents themselves aren’t, as older generations’ parents may have been, comfortably retired from a single-income home.

“According to the Grandparents Today National Survey by AARP, the youngest grandparent today is around 38 years old, and the average age for becoming a first-time grandparent is 50,” she said.

“Many grandparents today are still in their prime working years,” and that’s before you even take into consideration that retirement is happening later and later in life.

“This shift challenges the traditional image of grandparents as retired figures with abundant free time,” Chan said.

Baby boomers and Gen X “recall their grandparents as retired, financially stable figures who could indulge them,” she added, but can’t always say the same about themselves.

Then, there’s location to consider.

While “weekly visits remain a regular part of life” for those who still live close to their grandchildren, adult children increasingly live far away from their own mums and dads.

Proximity has declined more for mums than dads, too.

So, “with increasing geographic distance, Baby Boomers are turning to smartphones and video calls to stay emotionally connected,” Chan added.

Many grandparents are trying the best they can, the expert said

Of course, some grandparents might simply be uninterested in their grandchildren’s lives – that’s unfortunate and can feel very difficult.

But many are trying their best in the same difficult economy all of us are struggling through, Chan said.

Using a grandfather in his 70s as an example, Chan shared: “Despite still working part-time, he takes immense pride in supporting his granddaughter, particularly as she navigates life after her parents separated.

“He shared how he helped her purchase essential household appliances for her new home, eager to ensure she had what she needed to start fresh,” she added.

“This generational shift in grandparenting highlights the changing dynamics of family life. Baby Boomers grew up with grandparents who were mostly retired, financially secure, and had time to indulge in their lives.

“Today’s grandparents are more active and involved, balancing work, caregiving, and financial pressures. Yet, through it all, they remain deeply committed to their grandchildren’s well-being.”

She concluded: “The core of grandparenting hasn’t changed, what has evolved is how grandparents show up for their families.”

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This 1 Phrase Held My Mum Back Her Whole Life. Now I Worry It Will Impact My Daughter Too

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Before becoming a parent, I often heard from other mums about how self-aware you become when you have kids, but I never imagined how something as simple as a passing comment could ignite such deep reflection — and even make me fearful.

In early December, my daughter and I flew back to Colombia to visit my family. It was the kind of day I’ve come to cherish when raising a child abroad. But in the midst of all the warmth, I heard a phrase that made my heart sink.

“Don’t ask for too much; be grateful for what you have,” my grandmother said to my mum.

It wasn’t the first time I’d heard her say it. She had said it to me when I started many of my jobs, and she meant it with the best intentions of a caring grandma. In all of those instances, I didn’t think much of it. This time, however, it hit differently. This time, I pictured my 10-month-old daughter hearing those words one day, and the thought terrified me.

Beliefs like this one are not unique to my grandmother; many of us have them. However, working with female entrepreneurs to overcome financial trauma has taught me that phrases like these create a turmoil of mixed signals between pursuing what you want and staying where you are.

Why this phrase is so limiting

I’ve learned that every phrase reflects a belief system that makes sense for the season and context in which you grew up. For my grandmother, “don’t ask for too much” represented humility, gratitude and holding on to what she had accomplished with much effort. But it also discouraged her from taking further risks and continuing to nurture her ambition — and, consequently, my mum’s ambition.

I remember my mum once telling me how she had wanted to become a flight attendant when she was younger. Her face lit up when she talked about it.

Still, she never pursued it because, while deciding whether to stick with her current career — which offered security — or take a leap and pursue her dream, the phrase “don’t ask for too much; be grateful for what you have” echoed in her head.

How that phrase shaped me

I was only able to grasp the extent of how this phrase had shaped me when I left home at 19 years old and started living on my own. I started noticing the same patterns in my own life, and whenever I felt I wanted to reach for something different, aim higher, dream bigger, or ask for what I deserved, I had a little voice in the back of my mind that would make me hesitate to take the step. I’d feel as though I wasn’t being grateful enough or was asking for too much if, for instance, I wanted to ask for a raise.

This inner conflict only worsened when I started my business. I had to dream more significantly to create the kind of movement I wanted for female entrepreneurs and finances; I needed to ask for more. Although I had been very blessed to have already experienced things that nobody else in my social circle was experiencing — like traveling around the world — that inner hesitation made me question if I truly deserved and was capable of the career and lifestyle I was pursuing.

It wasn’t until much later — through my studies of financial trauma, therapy, self-reflection and the building of my frameworks for helping entrepreneurs achieve wealth — that I began to unpack how deeply ingrained those beliefs were.

Surrounding myself with ambitious, like-minded women also helped me see that those beliefs weren’t mine. They had been passed down, generation after generation, like an heirloom I never asked for.

Breaking the cycle for my daughter

Now, as a mum, I’m determined to rewrite what was once a subconscious narrative. I want my daughter to grow up with a mindset that supports her in her dreams and growth and encourages her to seek as many opportunities as she desires. I want her to believe — and genuinely know — that she can dream big, ask for what she wants and deserves, and take up space in any room she enters.

But breaking the cycle isn’t easy. It starts with unlearning my subconscious beliefs, so I don’t unintentionally pass them on to her. For instance, when she asks for something — whether it’s a new toy or a more significant goal down the road — resist the urge to say, “you don’t need that” or “you already have enough.” Instead, I try to understand her context, explore what she wants, and help her determine what makes sense in her environment.

It also means modelling what I preach. I can’t tell my daughter to be ambitious while shrugging off opportunities myself. So, I’ve made it a point to dream big and take risks, even when they scare me.

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The One Scientific Reason You SHOULD Spend Time With Your Grandchildren

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In fact, according to research, spending time with the little ones not only helps you stay social, it can also help with your mental health and some medical issues.

186 grandmothers took part in a study conducted by The Women’s Healthy Ageing Project in Australia, and researchers found that those who looked after their grandkids one day a week had a lower risk of developing Alzheimer’s and were more likely to offset dementia.

However, the research also found that looking after grandkids for more than five days a week could have a negative effect on cognition. So, while daily care could be burdensome, weekly visits had clear benefits.

An article looking into the impact of grandparenthood also found that grandchildren can make life “more fulfilling” and give grandparents a “new life purpose”. Because grandparents can find time with their grandkids so satisfying, the study noted that this can then potentially reduce mental health issues, improve cognitive abilities and physical strength – all of which can lead to a “better self-perceived quality of life”.

So there you have it, those blessed with grandkids and grandparents shouldn’t underestimate just how lucky they are. It’s not just a wholesome bond, it’s actually great for their health!

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How To Avoid An All-Out War When The Grandparents Disagree With Your Parenting Style

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When it comes to raising kids, everyone wants to share their two cents on what the best way to do it is – and that often includes grandparents.

And whether you’re a new parent who’s still finding their feet, or a seasoned pro who’s mastered the art of caring for multiples, it can be hard not to get upset when someone criticises what you’re doing, or goes against a particular way you want to raise your kids.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, disagreeing over parenting techniques is the most common reason why parents argue with their own parents (aka the grandparents), according to a survey by iHus, which specialises in multigenerational living.

“It is totally normal to have a different parenting style to your own parents,” therapist Siobhan Butt, who is a member of Counselling Directory, tells HuffPost UK.

“You are different people, living at a different time and have a different set of life experiences that inform how you decide to parent.”

The differences in how you parent can come out in all kinds of situations, she suggests, from what you choose to feed your children and how much screen time you allow them, to your political and religious ideology.

The C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital in Michigan asked parents of children aged 0-18 years old about disagreements with grandparents around their parenting choices. Most parents (89%) said their child saw at least one grandparent often or occasionally – and of these, 37% reported minor disagreements with grandparents about their parenting choices, and 6% reported major disagreements.

Two in five parents (40%) said disagreements arose because grandparents were too soft on their children, while 14% said they were too tough.

The most common areas of disagreement were over discipline, meals and snacks, and TV or screen time, followed by manners, health and safety, treating some grandchildren differently than others, bedtime, and sharing photos or information on social media.

If you are finding your parents are doing things that go against how you parent – or they’re making comments about your parenting style that are pretty negative – you’re probably going to have to sit down and have a chat with them about it. Otherwise the resentment is just going to pile up until someone blows a gasket.

“It is always best to have this conversation with them,” says Siobhan Butt, who runs Revive Relationships. “Be open, tell them how you are feeling, make it known that you respect them and appreciate that they have lots of life experience and wisdom to bring, but if you would like advice about a particular situation you will ask them for it.”

Likewise, if you see your parent saying or doing something to your child that you’re not happy or comfortable with – for instance, disciplining them in a certain way – don’t be afraid to pull them up on it.

“Boundaries are so important in this situation, like I said before talk to your parents, be open and honest and let them know what you are uncomfortable with and why,” says the therapist.

But be gentle with them, she warns, as it’s likely they aren’t trying to be malicious and they have the best intentions for you and their grandchildren.

“If you respond to their actions with hostility the situation could escalate and conflict can arise,” she adds.

If you do sit them down for a chat, you might want to remind them that while you respect them and value their input, you are uncomfortable with what they did – and then explain why, says the therapist. Finish the conversation by telling them you would appreciate it if they could not do this in the future.

Of course, sometimes this will fall upon deaf ears. Of those surveyed by C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital, 43% of parents said they’d asked a grandparent to change their behaviour to be consistent with their own choices or rules and while almost half (47%) found they did make a change, just over a third (36%) said the grandparent agreed to change their ways but didn’t, and 17% said the grandparent flat out refused.

“If it is a boundary that keeps being crossed, try being curious,” says Butt. “What is it that they find so difficult about keeping to this and how can you help them?”

With Christmas just around the corner and families coming together under one roof, tensions can run a little higher than normal – meaning the odds of a rift might be higher too.

Adene Sanchez via Getty Images

If you are feeling a bit tense because of something your parent has done or said to your child – or even about the way you parent – it’s important to recognise this and do something about it. “Just how we can recognise a song within a few seconds of hearing it, we can do this too with our own emotions,” says Butt.

“Before things feel like they are too much and your response turns into a reaction of hostility, take a deep breath, maybe remove yourself from the conversation or say you are feeling uncomfortable and you would appreciate it if the conversation could be changed.

“If difficult conversations normally end in shouting and upset think about the pattern of behaviours that normally happen: what role do you play and what can you do to help change this pattern?”

Grandparents are so important and often have so much to offer to your children – like they did to you when you were growing up (and still often do today). They are also, as writer Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett puts it, “the invisible glue holding our broken childcare system together”. Many will – and do – drop everything to get the chance to spend time with their grandkids.

That’s not to say that sometimes you won’t disagree with what they say or do – and vice versa – but after a heart-to-heart, you can often end up singing from the same hymn sheet. (Or at the very least, the same book.)

In cases where this doesn’t happen, ultimately it’s grandparents who lose out – 15% of parents said they limit the amount of time their child sees some grandparents, and these limitations were far more common when grandparents did not respect parenting choices.

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‘I Have Lost A Grandmother’: Prince William Pays Personal Tribute To Queen

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Prince William has issued a deeply personal statement about the late Queen Elizabeth II, saying just how much she meant to him and his family.

The new Prince of Wales, now first heir to the throne, said: “On Thursday, the world lost an extraordinary leader, whose commitment to the country, the Realms and the Commonwealth was absolute.

“So much will be said in the days ahead about the meaning of her historic reign. I, however, have lost a grandmother.”

On Friday, King Charles III confirmed that his first son would inherit his title of Prince of Wales, while his wife Catherine would now be Princess of Wales, a title not held since Princess Diana died in 1997.

“I have had the benefit of the Queen’s wisdom and reassurance into my fifth decade,” William said of his grandmother in his statement on Saturday.

“My wife has had twenty years of her guidance and support. My three children have got to spend holidays with her and create memories that will last their whole lives.”

In what could be seen as a references to his wedding to Kate and, possibly, to his mother’s death, he added: “She was by my side at my happiest moment. And she was by my side during the saddest days of my life.”

On Saturday morning, the Prince of Wales, together with Camilla, Queen Consort, was witness to the formal proclamation of his father as King Charles III.

The Prince said that while he grieves the Queen’s loss, he also feels “incredibly grateful”.

“I thank her for the kindness she showed my family and me,” he said. “And I thank her on behalf of my generation for providing an example of service and dignity in public life that was from a different age, but always relevant to us all.”

Echoing the words of his father, he said: “I knew this day would come, but it will be some time before the reality of life without Grannie will truly feel real.”

And as King Charles III did in his first televised statement to the nation on Friday, the Prince also spoke of love.

“My grandmother famously said that grief was the price we pay for love,” he said.

“All of the sadness we will feel in the coming weeks will be testament to the love we felt for our extraordinary Queen. I will honour her memory by supporting my father, The King, in every way I can.”

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