I Know A Lot About Toddlers, Here Are 5 Potty Training Mistakes Parents Make

Posted on 05/01/2023 by Boris Clair

Plenty of parents dread potty training – and for good reason. There will be rogue poos that find their way onto your favourite rug, there will be wee everywhere, and there will be tears (mainly from you).

But once the penny drops and things click into place, nothing can quite prepare you for that feeling of accomplishment. You will burst with pride – not just for your genius of a child, but for yourself. After all, if you can teach them how not to soil themselves, you can literally achieve anything.

For those yet to embark on the journey, or if you’ve recently started but aren’t having much success, there are some key things to know.

Potty training and toddler specialist Amanda Jenner – who is glamorously known by kids as “the wee and poo fairy” – has worked with hundreds of parents over the years, helping their children master the art of going to the toilet.

When asked what the perfect age is to start, she says there isn’t one as every child is different. “You know your child best,” she says, suggesting you might want to start the process “any time from around 2-4 years old”. When they’re showing signs of readiness (more on that later) and can communicate when they need to go, “then it’s the right time to give it a go,” she adds.

Here, the toddler expert talks us through the potty training mistakes that parents commonly make (we’re only human after all) – and how to rectify them.

1. Starting when your child isn’t ready

If you’ve started potty training, given it a good couple of weeks and your toddler is showing absolutely no interest and having lots of accidents, then they are simply not ready, says Jenner.

Children are able to control their bladder and bowels when they’re physically ready and when they want to be dry and clean. Every child is different, so some might be ready to start this sooner than others.

We know that by two years of age, some children will be dry during the day, but the NHS acknowledges this is still quite early. By three, however, most children are dry most days – although some will have the odd accident if excited or upset.

What to do instead: have a break for one or two months and then start fresh. Look out for them showing signs of readiness. These include:

stopping in their tracks when they are doing a wee or a poo,
becoming aware of their bodily functions,
insisting on a nappy change when it has been soiled,
hiding behind the sofa when they are doing a wee,
going longer periods with drier nappies,
understanding simple instructions and commands,
being able to communicate that they’ve done a wee or poo.

2. Getting started when there’s a change in circumstances

It’s not a good idea to start potty training if you’re experiencing some disruption to your lives right now. This could be because your toddler is feeling unwell, there’s a new baby in the family, you’ve moved house, your child has started or changed nursery, or there are any problems in the household, such as a separation or a death in the family, says Jenner.

What to do instead: wait until there’s less disruption in your lives and start the process again. Jenner recommends spending the week before you start potty training educating yourselves on the process and reading a potty training story book to your little one to help them understand what they have to do.

3. Getting frustrated with your child

Potty training can be unbelievably frustrating for both you and your toddler. Believe us, we know. But little ones don’t like to disappoint their parents, so try not to become cross with your child for accidents or not wanting to sit on the potty or toilet, says Jenner.

What to do instead: turn your frustration into lots of encouragement using upbeat and happy language. You could say: “mummy and daddy are so proud of you for trying” or “what a big boy/girl you are using the potty/toilet and wearing big girl/boy pants”.

4. Trying to nighttime potty train at the same time as daytime potty training

Trying to get your child to use a potty in the day and then go through the night without going to the toilet – and not wearing any nappies – is probably not going to work out like you’d hoped.

It usually takes a little longer for children to learn to stay dry throughout the night and although most learn this between the ages of three and five, around 20% of children aged five sometimes wet the bed.

Nighttime dryness involves different bladder control than the day and some children sleep deeper than others, which means they aren’t aware when they have a full bladder, says Jenner, which can then lead to bed wetting.

What to do instead: wait until they are dry in the day for a couple of months and then begin nighttime training. In the meantime, keep them in nappies overnight.

5. Forcing them to sit on the potty if they are refusing

If they won’t sit on the potty, don’t make them do it as this will only result in them associating the potty with a negative or fearful experience, says Jenner, meaning they probably won’t want to continue with potty training.

What to do instead: try using distractions and making it a more fun and positive experience – use bubbles, books and sensory toys. If they still refuse, then stop after a few days of trying and revisit again in a month or so. Continue to educate them in this break by using books, flash cards, watching videos and talking about it. Good luck!

How To Avoid An All-Out War When The Grandparents Disagree With Your Parenting Style

Posted on 09/12/2022 by Boris Clair

When it comes to raising kids, everyone wants to share their two cents on what the best way to do it is – and that often includes grandparents.

And whether you’re a new parent who’s still finding their feet, or a seasoned pro who’s mastered the art of caring for multiples, it can be hard not to get upset when someone criticises what you’re doing, or goes against a particular way you want to raise your kids.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, disagreeing over parenting techniques is the most common reason why parents argue with their own parents (aka the grandparents), according to a survey by iHus, which specialises in multigenerational living.

“It is totally normal to have a different parenting style to your own parents,” therapist Siobhan Butt, who is a member of Counselling Directory, tells HuffPost UK.

“You are different people, living at a different time and have a different set of life experiences that inform how you decide to parent.”

The differences in how you parent can come out in all kinds of situations, she suggests, from what you choose to feed your children and how much screen time you allow them, to your political and religious ideology.

The C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital in Michigan asked parents of children aged 0-18 years old about disagreements with grandparents around their parenting choices. Most parents (89%) said their child saw at least one grandparent often or occasionally – and of these, 37% reported minor disagreements with grandparents about their parenting choices, and 6% reported major disagreements.

Two in five parents (40%) said disagreements arose because grandparents were too soft on their children, while 14% said they were too tough.

The most common areas of disagreement were over discipline, meals and snacks, and TV or screen time, followed by manners, health and safety, treating some grandchildren differently than others, bedtime, and sharing photos or information on social media.

If you are finding your parents are doing things that go against how you parent – or they’re making comments about your parenting style that are pretty negative – you’re probably going to have to sit down and have a chat with them about it. Otherwise the resentment is just going to pile up until someone blows a gasket.

“It is always best to have this conversation with them,” says Siobhan Butt, who runs Revive Relationships. “Be open, tell them how you are feeling, make it known that you respect them and appreciate that they have lots of life experience and wisdom to bring, but if you would like advice about a particular situation you will ask them for it.”

Likewise, if you see your parent saying or doing something to your child that you’re not happy or comfortable with – for instance, disciplining them in a certain way – don’t be afraid to pull them up on it.

“Boundaries are so important in this situation, like I said before talk to your parents, be open and honest and let them know what you are uncomfortable with and why,” says the therapist.

But be gentle with them, she warns, as it’s likely they aren’t trying to be malicious and they have the best intentions for you and their grandchildren.

“If you respond to their actions with hostility the situation could escalate and conflict can arise,” she adds.

If you do sit them down for a chat, you might want to remind them that while you respect them and value their input, you are uncomfortable with what they did – and then explain why, says the therapist. Finish the conversation by telling them you would appreciate it if they could not do this in the future.

Of course, sometimes this will fall upon deaf ears. Of those surveyed by C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital, 43% of parents said they’d asked a grandparent to change their behaviour to be consistent with their own choices or rules and while almost half (47%) found they did make a change, just over a third (36%) said the grandparent agreed to change their ways but didn’t, and 17% said the grandparent flat out refused.

“If it is a boundary that keeps being crossed, try being curious,” says Butt. “What is it that they find so difficult about keeping to this and how can you help them?”

With Christmas just around the corner and families coming together under one roof, tensions can run a little higher than normal – meaning the odds of a rift might be higher too.

If you are feeling a bit tense because of something your parent has done or said to your child – or even about the way you parent – it’s important to recognise this and do something about it. “Just how we can recognise a song within a few seconds of hearing it, we can do this too with our own emotions,” says Butt.

“Before things feel like they are too much and your response turns into a reaction of hostility, take a deep breath, maybe remove yourself from the conversation or say you are feeling uncomfortable and you would appreciate it if the conversation could be changed.

“If difficult conversations normally end in shouting and upset think about the pattern of behaviours that normally happen: what role do you play and what can you do to help change this pattern?”

Grandparents are so important and often have so much to offer to your children – like they did to you when you were growing up (and still often do today). They are also, as writer Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett puts it, “the invisible glue holding our broken childcare system together”. Many will – and do – drop everything to get the chance to spend time with their grandkids.

That’s not to say that sometimes you won’t disagree with what they say or do – and vice versa – but after a heart-to-heart, you can often end up singing from the same hymn sheet. (Or at the very least, the same book.)

In cases where this doesn’t happen, ultimately it’s grandparents who lose out – 15% of parents said they limit the amount of time their child sees some grandparents, and these limitations were far more common when grandparents did not respect parenting choices.

How To Get Your Kids To Eat Vegetables – And Actually Gasp Enjoy Them

Posted on 19/10/2022 by Boris Clair

Is there such thing as a child who likes vegetables? Yes, there is. But they’ll often need a helping hand in getting there.

This is why a leading baby food brand is urging the government to consider adding sensory food play to the curriculum for young kids attending nursery.

Ella’s Kitchen has launched a nationwide campaign calling on the UK government to take urgent action to improve early childhood nutrition by encouraging more sensory food play – where kids can explore fruit and vegetables in a fun, engaging way that stimulates the senses – in early years settings.

The brand said poor nutrition is having a “devastating impact” on the health of the nation’s children, but this simple, low-cost intervention could play a role in alleviating this.

More than a quarter of kids (29%) aged five to 10 years old eat fewer than one portion of fruit or veg a day.

Yet evidence shows that sensory food play helps to build confidence and curiosity around fruit and veg, which can create a willingness among kids to try, and ultimately like, them.

While talk of implementing this kind of scheme in nurseries rumbles on, parents can start fuelling a better reception to vegetables at home, too.

It’s difficult to get children to eat tveg – every parent knows this. But why is it such a chore? “Babies are born with immature bitter and sour taste buds,” says Sarah Almond Bushell, a registered dietitian and weaning expert at The Children’s Nutritionist.

In contrast, their sweet taste buds are “very mature”, she says, meaning kids will always gravitate towards sweet foods. “It’s an evolutionary thing as it helps newborn babies seek out the breast because breastmilk is very sweet.”

Bitter and sour flavours therefore have to be learned, so exposure is a must – and this is where parents have to put the work in. But you’ll reap the rewards once you do.

1. Serve vegetables at every meal and make sure they see you eating them

It can be all too easy to get into a bit of a mealtime rut at home. We buy the same-old vegetables every week to accompany those same-old meals, because we know our kids will eat them and they won’t end up in the bin.

This might be the easy option, but – argues the dietitian – it is not conducive to getting your child to like a wider range of veggies.

“Children can’t learn to like to eat vegetables without being regularly exposed to seeing them on the dining room table,” she says. “But what’s even more important is that they need to see you eating them too.”

Research suggests it can take up to 10 tries for a baby to readily accept some foods, like vegetables – so keep trying. And an exposure doesn’t necessarily mean them devouring a whole carrot stick, either. The act of touching, smelling and even seeing the food can be enough to ‘expose’ them to a food, according to nutritionist Charlotte Stirling-Reed.

2. Presentation is everything

A bit of wilted cabbage on the side of your toddler’s plate isn’t exactly inspiring, so it’s time to embrace your inner artist and get creative.

“All food must look attractive if you want your little one to be intrigued by them,” says Almond Bushell. “Vegetables come in a rainbow of colours and so are easy to make look appealing.

“Pre-school aged children are influenced by how food is presented so get creative by cutting veggies into funny shapes or arrange them in smiley faces.

“Older children will visually appreciate foods that are presented on sharing platters, coloured or patterned plates, or even simply serving veggies in cupcake cases can instantly lift their appeal.”

3. Make them tasty

If your veg selection looks stellar but tastes like wet socks, then you’ve got a problem on your hands. So yes, the next tip is that veggies quite simply need to taste nice.

“Steamed veggies may be better in the healthiness stakes, but they don’t hold much flavour for developing taste buds,” says Almond Bushell.

“I’d encourage you to sauté your green beans in garlic butter, toss asparagus in soy sauce [you can buy low salt versions], roast your parsnips in honey [if your child is over one].”

She adds: “You can make a fab marinade for most veggies with ketchup, maple syrup and soy sauce, even adding a little salt to broccoli or Brussels sprouts can make a world of difference – and yes, it’s ok.”

While it might sound a little controversial, her thinking is that while these foods will be slightly higher in salt and fat, it will encourage your child to like them at least – “after all, it doesn’t count as nutrition unless it’s eaten,” she adds.

“Once the veggies become an accepted part of their daily diet then you can work on reducing the salt, sugar and butter to improve the healthiness.”

4. Let kids serve themselves

It can be overwhelming for your child if you’ve decided to wave a stick of cucumber in their face or thrust it into their mouth. Why not, instead, focus on letting your kids serve themselves?

Family-style serving involves placing all components of the meal individually in serving dishes in the centre of the table, says Almond Bushell. Then, children as young as toddlers can help themselves or indicate to you what they want, how much they want and when to stop.

“This puts them in control of the food on their plate and ultimately what goes into their body,” she says. “If your little one doesn’t want to have a certain veggie on their plate, that’s OK.”

If you do find they’re averse to certain veggies, set up a ‘learning plate’ next to their dinner plate, she suggests. There are 32 different sensory steps that children go through when they’re learning how to eat and they do this for every single food – so a learning plate can help them navigate this process.

“The learning plate is simply for looking at, sniffing, prodding, poking, licking, chewing or spitting out on,” she explains.

“It’s there just for learning all about the sensory characteristics of the new food.

“Having a learning plate helps move them up the 32-step ladder as the new food is closer to them, they have to look at it, they can smell it, and touching it even with a fork or spoon is a huge step forward.”

How To Check If You (Or Your Children) Have Had The Polio Vaccine

Posted on 23/06/2022 by Boris Clair

Polio, which was officially eradicated in the UK in 2003, can cause paralysis in rare cases and can be life-threatening. Public health officials have declared a national incident while the latest traces are being investigated.

Polio is caused by a virus that spreads easily when an infected person coughs or sneezes, according to the NHS. It can also be caught from food or water that’s been in contact with the poo of someone who has the virus.

So far, it’s unclear how many people may be affected by the new outbreak, but being fully vaccinated will protect you. Here’s how to check if you (and your kids) are up to date with jabs.

When do people usually receive the polio vaccine?

The polio vaccine is given on the NHS when a child is eight, 12 and 16 weeks old as part of the 6-in-1 vaccine. It is given again at three years and four months old as part of the 4-in-1 (DTaP/IPV) pre-school booster, and at 14 as part of the 3-in-1 (Td/IPV) teenage booster. The teenage vaccine is given routinely in secondary schools.

All of these vaccines need to have been given for a person to be fully vaccinated, though babies who have had two or three doses will have substantial protection.

Latest figures show that by the age of two in the UK, almost 95% of children have had the correct number of doses. However, this drops to just under 90% in London. When it comes to the pre-school booster, just 71% of children in London have had it by the age of five.

How to check if you’ve had the polio vaccine

All immunisation records are linked to your unique NHS number, which is assigned to you at birth.

You may be able to see your full health records (including your immunisation history) via the NHS app or NHS online portal, if you’ve already registered for full online access.

You’ll need to register with your GP surgery for online access to see your full record. If you only downloaded the NHS app to see your Covid travel pass, for example, the basic profile only shows your Covid vaccines, medicines and allergies – not your full medical history.

There’s a portal on the NHS website which details further instructions on how to register for full online access to your records. But something to note: this service works alongside GP surgeries and is not yet available in all areas of the UK.

If you’re having trouble accessing your records online, or your surgery does not offer this service, you’ll need to contact your GP to enquire about your polio records via email or telephone.

A polio vaccine will not be labelled as ‘polio’

When you do access your records, don’t panic: a polio vaccine is rarely labelled with the name ‘polio’.

On Twitter, GP and broadcaster Dr Ellie Cannon shared the labels to look out for:

We Love Pride, And So Do Our Kids

Posted on 19/06/2022 by Boris Clair

You’re never too young to go to Pride.

Don’t believe us? Ask mum-of-one Kate Everall, who’s taken her son since he was born, or mum-of-three Amie Jones, whose made wearing the family’s Pride-themed babygrow a rite of passage among her horde.

The fastest way to teach kids #LoveIsLove is by celebrating it in all forms from day one. Add in some rainbow flags, glitter and fun and they won’t question it one jot.

As writer Victoria Richards put it, explaining LGBTQ+ relationships to kids is actually very simple: “Try it: ‘Some men love men, some women love women and some people love both (or neither).’ Ta da.”

Pride is the perfect time to normalise queer love, to show kids that they don’t have to play “mums and dads” in the playground, and that they’ll be loved at home always, whoever they turn out to be. For LGBTQ+ parents, it’s also an opportunity for kids to see more families like their own.

We spoke to five families who enjoy Pride about what it means to them and their little ones.

‘Pride is a time to celebrate our queer family’

Kelly Allen with her wife, Zoey, and children George (12) and Molly (11).

“We take our children to Pride because we feel it’s integral to their future, and the future of other human beings, to be surrounded by a diverse community. We also feel Pride is a time to celebrate our queer family in a safe and fun way. It’s essential they are able to grow knowing they can be their true selves, and Pride is a time for us to really celebrate our diversity, amongst a community that accepts us for who we are.

“It’s become even more essential since Zoey came out as transgender, as the world can feel very bleak at times for the trans community. However, Pride gives us a chance to feel fully accepted and loved as the LGBTQ+ family we are.” – Kelly Allen, 40, who runs ourtransitionallife.com with her wife, Zoey

‘A great way to teach our boys what it means to be an ally.’

Amie Jones' two sons Dylan and Huw in the family Pride romper. — Amie Jones’ two sons Dylan and Huw in the family Pride romper.

“We have taken our three boys to our local Pride event in Chester since they were very young – and we even have a Pride inspired outfit for them to wear. The photos show my oldest son Dylan (now seven years) and my youngest son Huw (now two years) in the same Pride romper! Unfortunately, I don’t have any photos of us actually at Pride, as we are always having too much fun!

“As founder of Kind Kids Book Club – the UK’s first children’s book club with a focus on nurturing social conscience and sharing inclusive stories – Pride is an important celebration for our family and a great way to teach our boys what it means to be an ally. They always love the day – the atmosphere is brilliant, everyone is so friendly and there’s so much to see and do!” – Amie Jones, 37, Bagillt, North Wales

‘There’s no one way to be a family.’

Caprice Fox with her wife, Holly and three-year-old daughter, Honey

“We celebrate Pride month by attending our local Pride event and decorating at home. Pre-Covid we attended Pride as a family and they had Drag Queen Story Time, a children’s dance stage and a soft play area. We have diverse books out all year round, not just for one month, however we make a conscious effort to read these and encourage preschool to do the same!

“It is so importance for Honey to celebrate Pride and our family so that she realises just how diverse every family can be! There’s no one way to be a family and each one can look different, but it’s about showing that each one has something in common: love!” – Caprice Fox, 32 from Bristol

‘I want him to grow up enriched.’

“Pride is incredibly important to us as a family, which is why when our son came along we would continue our tradition of attending Brighton Pride.

“For us, Pride means ‘community’. It’s a time we feel less isolated and othered;. It also gives us an opportunity to meet up with other LGBTQ families – and making friends along the way, so that our son doesn’t feel as isolated as we were when growing up.

“Our son is currently seven, and we’ve been attending Pride events and celebrations since he was born. For us, it’s important that he sees himself seen and represented in society, not to mention witnesses what other families look like. I want him to grow up enriched; knowing that there’s no one way to be a family and that your family is often more than just blood.” – Kate Everall, Brighton, founder of Lesbemums

‘She would ask me when pride was happening again’

Vicky Warren's daughter, Matilda, loves attending Pride. — Vicky Warren’s daughter, Matilda, loves attending Pride.

“I have taken my daughter to Pride In London, Canterbury Pride and Amsterdam Pride. All of these events are different and I wanted to show her how different people celebrate Pride.

“To me, Pride means supporting people with their life choices, I grew up in a time when it was taboo (I am 49). It was frowned upon and I remember that it was always a scandal when an actor or singer announced they were gay. People that were transitioning into the opposite sex were laughed at and ridiculed. I did not want any of my kids to grow up without understanding and supporting people’s choices.

“Matilda was about six years old when I first went to Pride in London. We went by accident, but then she would ask me when Pride was happening again. Then in 2019 we decided to fly out to Amsterdam early one morning and attend Amsterdam Pride. Instead of the parade going through the streets, it was all on the canals in the city. It was awesome, a complete game-changer for Pride.

“When she was little she loved the vibrance of pride, she loved meeting different people who dressed up for Pride. As she got older, she learned the history of Pride, she wanted to support everyone more. She has held a sign up before offering hugs to members of the LGBTQ community and I am so proud of her.” – Vicky Warren, 49, Kent, who runs the blog Miss Tilly And Me

These Were The Most Popular American Baby Names Of 2021

Posted on 07/05/2022 by Boris Clair

For the third year in a row, Olivia remains the number one name for girls in the US after overtaking Emma in 2019. Meanwhile, Liam holds steady as the most popular name for boys for the fifth straight year.

The SSA compiles the annual list based on the names parents in the US gave their babies born in the previous year. Although the top name rankings usually don’t shift dramatically from year to year, there were a few interesting changes from 2020 to 2021.

James surpassed William for fourth spot. The only other change on the boys top 10 list is that Theodore made the ranking for the first time, coming in at number 10 and bumping Alexander down to number 13.

As for the girls, all of the names in the top 10 are the same ones from 2020, but with a few changes in the order. Charlotte is now the third most popular name choice for girls, continuing a steady rise that began in the 1990s. Amelia also jumped up the list from number six to number four.

Without further ado, here are the top 10 girls’ and boys’ names of 2021 as chosen by US parents.

What To Do If You Don’t Like Your Kid’s Friend

Posted on 01/05/2022 by Boris Clair

It’s an issue many parents will run into at one point or another: Your kid is hanging out with someone you’re not crazy about.

You might think this friend is a bad influence because of the language they use, the way they treat other kids or speak to adults, or their attitude toward school. Maybe this friend has been mean, controlling or otherwise inconsiderate toward your child.

Whatever the reason, it can be a tricky issue to navigate. Below, parenting experts offer advice on how to handle the situation.

Do some self-reflection.

First, take a little time to consider what exactly is rubbing you the wrong way about this friendship. Are your feelings warranted – or is it possible you’re bringing your own baggage to the table?

“Do you dislike the child because of your personal values, prejudice or opinion?” Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and author of The Me, Me, Me Epidemic, told HuffPost. “Your child may be benefitting from this friendship or have more in common with the child than you may realise — even if you wouldn’t choose this friend for yourself.”

Or perhaps your feelings toward this friend are misplaced. You think you don’t like the kid when really, it’s the parents you have an issue with.

“In today’s charged political and social climate, parents can be faced with interacting with families that don’t align with their views,” clinical psychologist Cindy T. Graham — founder of Brighter Hope Wellness Center — told HuffPost.

Ask your kid about the friendship

Put aside your preconceived notions for a moment and have a conversation with your kid about this friend. Ask why they like hanging out with them and what they enjoy doing together. Be curious and listen to what they have to say. This requires an open heart and mind, Graham said.

“Aside from being a great opportunity to connect with your child, it gives you the chance to learn about aspects of the friend’s personality, demeanour or circumstances that you may not have previously been aware of,” she said.

“For example, sometimes kids can present as immature or standoffish when under stressful situations,” Graham continued. “Moments that trigger anxiety ― such as meeting unfamiliar adults ― can lead to behaviours that may be perceived as disrespectful.”

Try also putting yourself in the kid’s shoes. Think about the struggles they — or their family — might be facing that could be affecting their behaviour.

“Take into consideration what they may be going through or have gone through,” McCready said. “Your own kid or family may be just what this child needs!”

Get to know the friend and their parents better

Spend some time with the friend and their family — it might show you a different side of them. Go into the experience hoping to see what your child sees in them.

“It’s also helpful for the parent to be willing to get to know the family on a few different occasions,” Graham said. “This will give everyone a greater chance of getting past the initial anxieties of making a good first impression to instead get to know one another.”

**Judge the behaviour, not the person**

If the friend in question does something you don’t like, it’s OK to tell your child that their behaviour concerned you. But resist making accusations or assumptions about the friend’s character because of it.

“You can comment on a friend’s behaviour that you disapprove of and help your child problem-solve why that behaviour may be something they shouldn’t mimic,” McCready said. “The bottom line: Judge the behaviour, not the person.”

“Friendships that are less-than-ideal aren’t necessarily a recipe for disaster or a path to trouble.”

– Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions

If you think the friendship is a danger to your child, step in

There’s a difference between not being particularly fond of your kid’s friend and feeling like this person could be a true threat to your child’s safety or well-being. If it’s the latter case, you should intervene immediately, McCready said.

“If you’re concerned, set limits – without prohibiting the friendship,” she said. “Keep a close eye on behaviours and offer your home as a hang-out spot to keep your eye on the kids, or set an earlier curfew when your child is hanging out with that friend.”

Look out for negative changes in your child’s behaviour that could indicate the friendship is an unhealthy one. For your child, that might mean a worsening mood, a sudden change in their grades or withdrawing from activities they once enjoyed.

If you notice any of these signs, “then parents would want to look into the social dynamics with the friend more closely,” Graham said.

Talk about what it means to be a good friend.

Use this situation as an opportunity to have conversations about what healthy friendships look and feel like. Discuss important qualities like trust, respect and standing up for one another.

“Highlight the differences in how you feel in a healthy friendship – inspired, accepted, safe, encouraged, hopeful, versus the emotions that come from unhealthy, toxic relationships – feeling anxious, disrespected, put out, pressured to do things you don’t want to do, or like you’re constantly in competition with your friend,” McCready said.

Try to remember what it was like to be a kid yourself

It’s normal for kids and teens to go through different phases as they try to figure out who they are.

“Many kids who may have seemingly off-putting personalities are going through a phase that many of us go through,” Graham said.

Consider this: When you were younger, perhaps you weren’t always the kind of kid your friends’ parents were thrilled about, either. Keeping that in mind “could help you to be more kind towards your kids’ friends,” Graham said.

Also, remember that your kids are growing up in a different time than you did.

“Often what was once considered unacceptable can change over time,” Graham added.

Keep things in perspective

Friends come in and out of our kids’ lives. Just because these two are buddy-buddy right now doesn’t mean they’re going to be inseparable forever (even if it feels that way).

“Understand that these may not be your child’s friends for life and statistically, they probably won’t be,” McCready said. “According to a study, only one percent of friendships formed in middle school are still going strong by the 12th grade.”

Agree to disagree

It’s a fact of life: you’re not going to like everyone your kid is friends with, and that’s OK. Sometimes an “agree to disagree” approach is the best thing for the health of your relationship with your child. (As McCready pointed out, trying to forbid the friendship could create a power struggle between you and your child — one that could push them away from you and closer to this friend.)

“There is a lot to be said for social relationships that allow a child to thrive and feel supported,” Graham said. “As long as the friend isn’t having a detrimental effect on your child, it may be best to accept that you may not always like your child’s choices, including their friendships.”

And remember: Even not-great friendships can turn out to be positive learning experiences for your kid. For example, it may help them figure out which qualities they value in a friend or teach them how to set and hold boundaries.

“Friendships that are less-than-ideal aren’t necessarily a recipe for disaster or a path to trouble,” McCready said. “With your open mind and willingness to offer counsel, your kids will navigate friendships with the proper support.”

This is part of a HuffPost Parents series called Enjoy the Ride. Read more here.

21 Little Milestones That Are Secretly A Big Deal For Kids

Posted on 23/04/2022 by Boris Clair

Rolling over. The first step. The first word. Parents often fixate on these classic developmental milestones, but doing so can lead to unhealthy comparisons and insecurity.

“Milestones are exciting, but also know that your child may not follow the ‘expected’ ages for specific actions,” said Christina Furnival, a psychotherapist who specializes in children’s mental health. “Each child is unique and special and wonderful, regardless of the standard milestones they reach and the age at which they reach them.”

Of course, if you have serious concerns about your child’s development, it’s important to talk to your pediatrician. But if you simply find yourself feeling worried about their progress and your ability as a parent, remember that there are so many milestones worthy of celebration, including more nuanced and subtle ones.

Below, Furnival and other experts share 21 interesting and insightful small milestones in childhood development.

Showing visual attention

“Visual attention is a very important early developmental milestone that is more difficult to measure in a concrete way,” said Lauren C. Shuffrey, a developmental neuroscientist. “At birth, infants already have the ability to visually distinguish different types of objects, such as human faces, and this skill continues to develop over time. Visual attention to social or nonsocial stimuli in the early life environment helps form the basis for more complex skills later in infancy, such as social communication and joint attention.”

Kristene Geering, director of content at Parent Lab, noted that she looks for and delights in seeing a baby express joint attention ― another big step in their visual attention development.

“This might be a child looking at something, turning back to the parent, then looking back at the object,” she explained. “Or it could be them pointing at something and checking to see if you’re looking, too. A lot of parents don’t realize what a big deal that is for both communication and cognitive development, but it’s huge!”

Dropping and knocking things over

It may seem annoying when your little one drops their toy every time you hand it to them, but Rachel Robertson, vice president of education at Bright Horizons, said this is another big sign of growth.

“Toddlers are really great scientists,” she explained. “They are exploring a lot of cause and effect: Like what happens when I drop my spoon once, twice, 10 times! How about if I dump this bucket of blocks? They are working on muscle control.”

Amanda Gummer, a child psychologist and founder of The Good Play Guide, noted that babies dropping things is a step toward understanding “that they can have an impact on their environment” ― thus making major strides in cognitive development.

“For example, splashing water, knocking over a pile of blocks, or pressing a button on a toy to set off lights and sound,” she added. “Toddlers and preschoolers will then progress from seeing the world in a very concrete way, to being able to use symbolic and logical thinking.”

Forming a strong attachment

“Has your infant around five months on become less comfortable with being passed around and a little more clingy?” said Noel McDermott, a psychotherapist. “They are forming attachments in a healthy way to a primary carer. Their neurological frontal lobe development ― the brain development crucial for language, social, thinking, executive decision making ― is happening.”

He explained that this mechanism allows them to develop bonds with others throughout their lives. While this can manifest as separation anxiety and pose challenges, it’s actually a milestone when your child shows a strong attachment to a parent or friend.

“Even when your preschooler cries at drop-off because they are so comfortable with you ― that’s a milestone to note,” Furnival added. “Also when they run into class without looking back.”

Playing peekaboo

“Peekaboo is another milestone that, while parents certainly enjoy it, they don’t often recognize as a sign of object permanence,” Geering said.

Object permanence is the ability to understand that items or people still exist even when you can’t see them. “There are several stages for object permanence, and recognizing that this is a milestone … can make a parent’s day.”

Smiling at and with you

When your baby smiles at and with you, that’s a powerful developmental milestone that fosters connection and communication. Pay attention to “social smiles.”

“Smiling is a way to bond with your child,” said Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, a pediatric psychologist and parent coach.

“It also helps them with their self-concept ― understanding who they are in relation to others,” she added. “It gives them reassurance that you love and care about them. It’s also a way for people to connect since so much of our communication is nonverbal and subtle.”

Eventually they will recognize themselves in the mirror and smile then as well, indicating an understanding of self.

Engaging in imaginative play

Playtime is an important part of child development, and the toddler years are when things start to evolve quickly.

“Your kid will start to play by themselves, and in their play space, objects can change and morph,” McDermott said. “Blocks can transform from one thing to another. A pencil may become a rocket. A toy car may become a submarine. Your kid is developing their literacy. This ability to imaginatively transform and maintain transformation in a creative internal narrative is the cognitive skill needed for reading.”

Kelly Oriard, a family therapist and co-founder of Slumberkins, an educational brand focused on emotional learning, said parents can get a glimpse into their child’s inner world by joining them during playtime. She noted that imaginative play fosters language development, relational interactions, problem-solving skills, and self-esteem.

“This magical milestone is such a fun one,” Oriard said. “Your child will begin to imagine and create their own little worlds for themselves and their toys. Through this milestone, children can better figure out their place in the world and their roles within their different systems. Another benefit of imaginative play is that kids can also explore their emotional identification and expression.”

Taking turns

“From ages 1-3 years, milestones can include sharing toys with friends or siblings and learning to take turns during play,” said Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist.

This milestone manifests earlier than many parents expect, so they might not recognize its importance.

“Of course, we want our kids to take turns on the playground, but when your toddler rolls the ball back and forth with you ― that’s also turn-taking!” Geering said. “And it builds not just the social-emotional skills we want our kids to have, it also helps in communication, that back-and-forth part of speech.”

Saying ‘no’

Hearing “no” from your toddler can get frustrating, but Robertson explained that it is not necessarily a bad thing.

“For toddlers, saying ‘no!’ means they are discovering their independence and exercising some control,” she said. “They are figuring out they have preferences and opinions, but don’t have a lot of words or methods of expressing them. It is worth noting when they start to be able to express their feelings like that, it is a sign of identity development. ‘Me do it’ or ‘I no want broccoli’ means they understand they are an individual who can express thoughts and have some autonomy.”

Matching objects

“It’s important to understand that one skill usually builds on another,” Geering said. “For example, while parents may think of reading as a milestone, it’s actually several milestones building on one another. One very early reading skill is being able to match two objects. A later stage would be matching that object to a photo, and then to an illustration.”

The smaller steps that build up to reading are important little milestones on their own. Parents can see that their child is making progress when they learn to recognize those incremental skills.

“If you see rows of patterned scribbles or shapes that sort of resemble letters, that means they are beginning to understand communication and that markings are symbols that represent words and ideas,” Robertson added.

Asking ‘why’ questions

“When you child is about 3, they start to ask ‘why’ questions,” said John and Kyle Hattie, co-authors of “10 Steps to Develop Great Learners.”

“This is a big deal as they are trying to understand the weird world they have come into. Things are happening that they want to begin to understand, see how their thinking about the world is true or not, and become genuinely curious.”

The authors noted that it’s important for parents to help their children find answers to their queries because during this time is when their child is developing a theory of the world around them.

“Children who do not get answers to the many ‘why’ questions begin to fall behind their peers, become less trusting in the world and people around them, and later in school struggle to make meaning,” they said.

Recognizing the urge to use the bathroom

“While parents often think of potty training as one thing, it’s made up of a lot of steps along the way,” Geering said. “It starts with the brain being able to even recognize the urge to go.”

During this time, kids are also “learning to coordinate their brains and bodies,” she said, for example, when they are figuring out how to pull their pants down and back up.

Starting daycare

“Entering daycare is a big milestone for toddlers and parents,” Lockhart said. “It introduces the concept of separation from primary caregivers, socializing and connecting with other adults and peers, independent play, gross and fine motor skills, and executive functioning skills, like problem-solving.”

She acknowledged separating from your little one can be nerve-wracking for many parents, but it’s a powerful and important developmental task.

Engaging in parallel play

“A stage of social development that’s easy to miss is when babies are playing next to other babies, but not together,” Gummer said. “They may be doing something completely different, watching the other child, or perhaps copying what the other infant is doing. This is known as parallel play and it will progress into playing with others as they get older.”

She emphasized that parallel play is a big first step toward collaborative play and making their first friend.

Experiencing humor

“The first laugh or even the first time your child understands humor and cracks a real joke ― should be noted and observed with greater frequency,” Oriard said.

She explained that a child’s displays of humor are joyful moments but also important social-emotional milestones to celebrate. Take note when you see your kid “get” a joke and laugh, relish in making other people laugh, or laugh at themselves when they do something silly.

Showing empathy

“Social-emotional milestones are being able to recognize emotions in themselves and others, and demonstrate compassion,” Robertson said. “Maybe they share something with a friend who is sad or offer you a hug without prompting. This shows you that they’re developing perspective and empathy.”

Acknowledge the first time your children show concern when someone is sad or hurt. Foster this empathy by helping them identify big feelings in themselves and others.

“Empathy is such a powerful skill, and throughout your child’s life, it can help create more robust and healthier relationships with others, including peers,” Oriard said.

Developing motor skills

“As a parent, point out those small skills your kids have now that they didn’t have a few months ago,” advised Deborah Farmer Kris, a parent educator. “Zipping up their jacket, putting on their socks, using a spoon, sorting their toys. Walking, talking, reading and writing aren’t events ― they are a cumulative processes.”

Furnival added that fine motor milestones may look like anything from using scissors to holding a pencil a certain way, while gross motor milestones can be going up the stairs one foot at a time or throwing a ball.

Seeing things as right and wrong

“Another important social-emotional milestone occurs around the ages of 4-5,” Oriard said. “At this stage, children begin to understand right and wrong and begin to conceptualize things from a moral viewpoint.”

Beginning to see things as right and wrong indicates that your child’s worldview is broadening, so they are better understanding how their actions can affect others.

“While moral development doesn’t happen all at once and is fine-tuned through many years, at this age, we begin to see it burgeoning into our children’s day-to-day interactions.”

Demonstrating emotional self-regulation

In addition to recognizing and expressing emotions, showing signs of emotional self-regulation is a significant milestone.

“When a child tries ― maybe doesn’t always succeed ― but tries to calm their own emotions, that is a really important sign of a critical life skill of self-regulation, being able to control emotions and actions,” Robertson said. “This is paramount in a classroom or a boardroom.”

Practicing complex and flexible thinking

An underappreciated sign of development is when a child demonstrates an ability to hold more than one thing in their mind at once and think flexibly. Robertson believes that this shows budding executive function control.

“Executive function is the most sophisticated set of brain functions and develops into a person’s 20s,” she explained. “It’s often compared to the CEO of the mind and includes working memory, self-control, and flexible thinking. If a child can remember three-step directions, or plan ahead and follow through even when distracted, or play a game like Simon Says, they are developing those very important abilities.”

Gummer pointed to another important step in the development of logical thinking and cognitive reasoning skills.

“Until around age 7, a child will believe that a tall, thin cup holds more liquid than a short, wide cup,” she said. “This is known as conservation. It can support a child’s math skills and along with other types of logic, can help children to problem solve in many different scenarios.”

Finding success at school

Parents often fixate on report cards as the most significant marker of a child’s development in an academic setting. But Joanne Frederick Washington, a licensed mental health counselor, believes there’s much more to it than grades.

“Other milestones that may not get recognized are kids waking up on their own every morning to go to school, their achievement of going into the next grade level, no days absent in a school year, not getting suspended, or having detention in a school year,” she said.

Overcoming a challenge

Going to school or participating in sports and other activities gives kids the opportunity to overcome a challenge or persevere after making a mistake.

“When they make a mistake, the big deal is what then happens next,” John and Kyle Hattie noted. “It’s learning that errors and failure are the learner’s best friends, and they are opportunities to learn.”

Challenges force kids to develop interpersonal skills, resilience, self-awareness, creativity and confidence.

“Going from frustration to satisfaction is the goal,” said Susan G. Groner, author and founder of “The Parenting Mentor.”

“We need to allow our kids to experience the frustration in order for them to figure it out and problem solve and then feel the satisfaction.”

She emphasized enjoying your time with your child and supporting them as they grow. “Observe the little things. Maybe we call them ‘inch stones,’ she said. “Hitting markers should be fun, rather than stressful!”

This is part of a HuffPost Parents series called Enjoy The Ride. Read more here.

The Power Of ‘Finishing Strong’ With Your Kids At Night

Posted on 12/04/2022 by Boris Clair

At the start of the pandemic, when my family was locked down in our 800-square-foot New York City apartment and reeling from the pivot to remote work and no school or day care, an Instagram post from Glennon Doyle saved my sanity.

Her post was primarily about how parents should embrace screen time as a survival tool. But she also offered a theory that sticks with me still, two years on: the idea that all parents really need to do is finish their days with their kids well. Doyle hatched her theory when she worked as a preschool teacher. She’d spend hours devising thoughtful activities and lesson plans to fill the kids’ hours, but ultimately what they remembered most was whatever came at the end of their days.

“This is my philosophy with all things children now. All you have to do is finish strong,” Doyle said in her video post.

I loved this advice then, and I love it still now because it feels like self-compassion. I remembered it last night when, after a day with my younger son that involved more tears and nagging than I’d like, we salvaged the day with a big bedtime hug and a chat about the relative merits of dump trucks versus forklifts. After a pretty blah parenting day, it was the reset we both needed.

Of course, Doyle isn’t the only one preaching the power of ending the evening on a high note. Here’s why the last thing you say at night can be so powerful — and how to work on “finishing strong” with your kiddo.

The Power Of Nighttime Routines And Rituals

Consistency is essential to children, parents are told time and again, because it’s true. Establishing routines with younger children can help strengthen the connections in their brains that help them make sense of their days. Research suggests that kids with strong family routines tend to be emotionally healthier than those without.

Bedtime routines help set clear expectations for behavior and (ideally) help make kids feel relaxed and primed for sleep. A good, consistent bedtime routine may help improve your relationship, if for no other reason than it will help ensure they’re getting enough zzz’s. (Reminder: Kids need substantially more sleep than adults.)

But nighttime rituals and routines serve a strong emotional purpose, too. Kids need to feel that they’re getting plenty of together time and love during their days. Making sure to emphasize connection at bedtime can help fill that cup.

“All kids are wired for positive attention and emotional connection from us on a daily basis,” said Amy McCready, founder of PositiveParentingSolutions.com and author of “The Me, Me, Me Epidemic.” “If they don’t get it proactively, they’ll act out in ways to get attention and power.”

Remember: Bedtime Battles Aren’t Inevitable

While I’m personally heartened by the idea that I can turn around a crappy day with a decent nighttime routine, sometimes that feels impossible. My preschooler excels at dragging out bedtime. Many nights, I’m a frazzled, grumpy shell of myself with little left to give emotionally.

That’s why I like McCready’s focus on what she’s dubbed “mind, body and soul time.” It is a simple strategy that can help minimize bedtime battles and give kids the sense of connection they so crave.

“Here’s how it works: Plan to spend 10 to 15 minutes of one-on-one time with your child at bedtime after they have gone through their to-do lists (teeth brushed, room tidied, etc.),” McCready said. “Minimize distractions — no cellphones, no TV blaring in the background, no mental to-do lists running through your mind! During this time, be fully present in mind, body and soul — and play or do something your child wants to do.”

That could be reading a book, playing a silly game, listening to some wind-down music, she said — what matters is that you let your kiddo call the shots.

“By doing so, you’re filling [their] bucket with the essentials to feel loved, safe, secure and valued — no matter what else happened that day,” McCready said. “What a great way to end each day and promote peaceful sleep, for them and you!”

Be sure to let them know this is something they can expect regularly, she added. Again, it comes down to establishing routines and rituals and fostering connection. McCready suggests saying something like: “Spending this time with you is the best way to end my day, and I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow.”

The Toxic Phrases We Need To Stop Saying To Kids

Posted on 26/12/2021 by Boris Clair

In the course of raising children, all parents say things that we’re not super proud of. Kids are remarkably good at getting under our skin, and we don’t always meet the moment with the kind of grace or compassion we’d like. (To wit: I looked straight in my preschooler’s eyes this morning and told him the police would arrest him for not putting his mittens on.)

Luckily, experts say it’s not only OK that parents say the “wrong” stuff sometimes; it’s universal. Parents shouldn’t feel shame or guilt about it, and it’s also important to keep in mind the bigger picture. Do kids feel safe and loved and like they can be themselves? Great. Some verbal misfires won’t change that.

Still, there are some phrases that parents and other adults in children’s lives tend to use habitually that could be more damaging than any of us intend. Here are five to be mindful of, and some tips on what to say instead.

1. “You’re OK!” or “It’s not a big deal.”

When a child falls down the playground, they’re inevitably met with a chorus of: “You’re OK!” Similarly, when a kid is in the midst of a problem that seems relatively benign — say, a friend takes a toy they were playing with, or an older child shares an off-handed comment from school that doesn’t seem all that serious — many of us parents respond with: “It’s not a big deal.”

That instinct is totally understandable, experts say.

“We often say [these phrases] to children in an attempt to help them feel better or calm them when they are feeling distressed or hurt,” explained psychologist Sarah Conway, founder of Mindful Little Minds. “We think that if we don’t make a big deal about it, they won’t either. However, when we say this to children, they feel dismissed and they feel unheard.”

If the child hears the message often enough, there’s a danger that they will feel like they can’t trust us with their difficult moments or emotions, Conway said. They might also start to feel like they can’t trust their own emotions. That’s why the similar phrase “stop crying” is also a problem. (It’s also ineffective. Reminder: tears and tantrums are developmentally appropriate for younger kids.)

The good news? The alternative to reflexively telling kids they’re OK or that whatever they’re grappling with isn’t a big deal is pretty easy.

“Instead, try ‘Are you OK?’” Conway recommended. “This sends a message to kids that we care about how they feel and that they can share their emotions with us.”

2. “You always… ” or “You never… ”

First and foremost, “always” and “never” are rarely true. But also, they can become self-fulfilling, particularly with children who are really figuring themselves out.

“When they hear these messages from us as their parents, they start to believe them. Then we see more of the behaviours that feed into this label they’re assigning to the definition of themselves,” Kimberley Bennett, psychologist and founder of The Psychologist’s Child.

To the extent it’s possible, shift your lens, she urged, and notice when they’re doing the opposite of the behaviour that you don’t like.

“For example, if we’re saying, ‘You’re always rough with your little brother,’” Bennett said, “notice the occasions when they’re gentle, loving and kind, and celebrate that with them.” It can also be helpful to let your child overhear you talking about them positively to other adults, she said.

And when they’re engaged in a behaviour you don’t like, invite them to try and solve the problem with you, Bennett said. Ask them questions like: “What can we do to stop this from happening?” Or, “What can you do the next time you feel that way?”

3. “It makes me sad/angry/happy when you do XYZ.”

“Many parents believe they are teaching their children about empathy when they use this phrase,” Conway said. “However, this sentence sends a message to kids that they are the cause of our big feelings and that they are responsible for managing them.”

Ultimately, children might start hiding things from the adults in their life for fear of upsetting them. Also remember: perspective-taking – i.e., the ability to see something from another side – isn’t something younger kids (like, toddlers, preschoolers or even younger elementary school-age children) are developmentally capable of.

Of course, none of that is to suggest that you shouldn’t draw – and hold – firm parental boundaries and intervene when your child crosses them.

“Save the lesson on empathy for another time and just stick to the facts. Acknowledge how they feel and then clearly state your boundary by starting the sentence with, ‘I won’t let you … (hit me, kick your brother, etc.),’” Conway said.

4. “Don’t be rude. Give so-and-so a hug.”

This one often comes up around the holidays when families are getting together, or right before bedtime when a parent urges their kiddo to give a grandparent or cousin a hug, even if their child isn’t into it. (I fully admit that I’ve had psychologists and therapists share this no-no with me for years now as I’ve worked on various parenting stories, and I still, every once in a while, encourage my totally hug-averse 7-year-old to hug his grandparents when he says goodbye.)

But what we teach our children in those moments is that their own boundaries don’t matter, said Ashurina Ream, founder of Psyched Mommy.

“When we force our kids to go hug somebody – or even apologise when they’re not ready – we teach them that they need to perform to please others,” she explained. “We’re also teaching them if their body feels uncomfortable hugging a relative, for example, and they do it anyway, that they need to ignore the signals their body sends them.”

This is a boundary parents really might need to hold firm for their children. Tell them it’s totally OK if they’d prefer to fist bump, blow a kiss or even just wave goodbye or good night. (Ask them: “What feels good to you?” Ream said.) Reassure your child – and the other adult in question – that they can still show respect and love toward others while listening to their own bodies.

5. “That’s not true!”

“I actually caught myself doing this recently,” Ream said. Her son told her that no one ever wants to play with him. “My instinct is to say, ‘That’s not true!’ Or maybe it’s a teen girl who says, ‘I’m so ugly’ and our instinct is to say, ‘That’s not true!’ because it hurts us deeply to hear our kids hurting.’”

But when they tell us something that’s bothering them, and our parental instinct is to immediately respond “that’s not true,” they hear that we don’t believe them, Ream warned. Or that their own instincts or read on a given situation are not to be trusted.

“Even if what they’re saying is silly, it’s their reality at the end of the day. It’s not our job to tell them they’re wrong. It’s really our job to hear them out,” Ream said. Instead, be curious. Ask questions like: What makes you think that?

Remember: Our job as parents is not to fix everything for our kids, as much as we might like to. Nor is it to have a perfect script all the time. (There isn’t one!) Our job is to make sure our children feel comfortable coming to us with all of their emotions — good ones and tough ones — for years to come, and to really listen when they do.