Student Raises Thousands For Lebanon After Completing 150-Mile Bike Ride

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Core of Play

While pondering an update to my mission statement, I was thinking about how to frame relationships, and this line popped into my mind:

My relationships are based on play.

My relationship with Rachelle fits this like a glove, and I think it’s why we’ve had 10+ happy years together. Same goes for my best friendships.

This applies to more than human relationships, like my relationships with work, creative projects, personal growth experiments, writing, speaking, courses, coaching, hobbies, etc. There’s a core of play when the flow is strong and healthy.

When a relationship loses its core of play, it seems to be on its way out and won’t endure, or it devolves into something not worth preserving.

What happens if you reflect upon past relationships with the lens of play? Any insights generated from that?

If you’re considering a transition in some area of life, could it be that the old path lost its core of play (or never had it to begin with)?

Consider the lens that a healthy relationship is really about play. I’m not saying that this is absolutely true. Just look at your past relationships through this lens, and see if it sparks any interesting realizations or reassessments. When you reflect upon the story arc of the relationship with respect to its changing level of playfulness over time, what do you see?

Also consider that you have a relationship with your work. When that relationship loses its core of play, does it ever work?

Consider the ripples that play generates – connection, caring, bonding, happiness, enjoyment, appreciation, respect, cooperation, etc. Those can be valuable in any relationship context – both in work and your personal life.

Injuries can still occur, but in a context of play (like a game), they’re quickly forgiven. When people lose sight of the play aspect, then an injury may be taken more seriously though.

What can be objectively accomplished with a frame of seriousness that can’t also be accomplished at least as well with a frame of play?

One way to think of play is that it maintains the intensity of seriousness but ditches the attachment. It lightens the experience of full engagement, allowing you to focus on the present moment activity without worrying so much about the outcome. The lens of play removes the clinginess without being forced to descend into goofiness.

I’ve always appreciated playful relationships more than others. That’s been true of romantic and sexual relationships, connections with colleagues, coaching or mentoring relationships, friendships, and even random acquaintances. Playfulness elevates the mundane, making it more stimulating but not stressful.

Play can be a tough value to respect unless you test it enough and see what it does for you. When you observe that investing in play generates strong results with good consistency, it’s easier to trust it. Also observe the results you get when you lose the connection to the core of play. Which results do you prefer?

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Immersion Days

I love immersion days. These are days when I focus on just one type of experience, project, or aspect of life for pretty much the whole day.

Immersion days can be personal or professional. Here are some examples:

  • A day of decluttering or cleaning
  • A day at Disneyland
  • A workshop day, either presenting one or attending one
  • A day outside in nature
  • A day running errands
  • A day of studying, learning, reading, or taking online courses
  • A day of learning new recipes and cooking up a storm
  • A day of changing a room’s configuration, like setting up a video studio
  • A day of writing, editing, recording, and publishing new material
  • A day out and about with Rachelle with no advance plan, doing whatever strikes our fancy moment by moment
  • A day of binge watching shows or playing a video game
  • A day of travel, especially involving multiple planes and countries
  • A day of relaxation
  • A day of total laziness
  • A day of reflection, meditation, and journaling
  • A day of making decisions, creating clarity, and planning ahead
  • A day of sensual experiences
  • A day of gardening
  • A day of exploration or sightseeing
  • A day wandering through a huge museum like the Louvre
  • A day of social hangouts
  • A day of skill building or practice

Immersion days may not be your default setting. It’s more common to have days that include lots of different activities. But what happens if you repeat those combo days too many times in a row? You may crave some variety.

I love the mono-focus of immersion days. They’re a great antidote for too much sameness and predictability. Too many combo days gets boring after a while.

While some aspect of your mind is going on overdrive during an immersion day, other parts of your mind get to rest. Even though an immersion day may seem intense, it’s also a major break. So don’t just think about the activity; also consider what you’re allowing to go inactive. Spend a day cooking, and you’ve spend a whole day not writing.

Immersion days can also create breakthroughs to move some area of life forward significantly. Imagine the impact of a full day of sorting, purging, and decluttering. Consider a day of deep study on a topic that interests you. What about investing a whole day in content creation, such as via batch blogging? (I’m doing this right now; I wrote this post on Friday along with several others.)

Immersion days and combo days are options for you. I encourage you to mix and match to discover what you like and what keeps you in a healthy and productive flow.

Stringing together too many combo days gets boring for me, but too many immersion days leads to overwhelm, so I like some of each. I don’t always like the same mix each week. Some weeks I prefer all combo days. Some weeks I’m in the mood for only immersion days. And other weeks I want some of each.

When you feel stuck or sluggish, consider flipping to the opposite modality for a nice change of pace. And remember that you’re not just changing what you’re doing; you’re also changing how you’re resting.

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Seeking the Final Straw

Here’s an interesting pattern: When people are heading towards a major transition, they often wait for a “final straw” incident before making a move.

In other words they wait until some arbitrary event happens that’s good enough to quality as the final reason that pushes them over the edge.

So an incident happens at work, and that becomes the reason for quitting. Or an event happens in a relationship, and that becomes the reason for breaking up. But of course those events are just catalysts for the transition, not the true reasons for moving on.

These inciting incidents serve as convenient triggers to finally take action to deal with a long-term misalignment. Such events may also be used for the purposes of explanation – to a boss, to a relationship partner, to coworkers, to friends and family members.

It’s hard to justify transitioning. You may feel you need a big enough reason to justify what looks like an extreme action. Otherwise you’ll seem unreasonable or crazy, like your announcement is coming out of the blue. Moreover, you need a reason not to feel guilty afterwards. You may feel better if you can point the finger at someone else for pushing you out and giving you no other option. Then the decision seems like it’s out of your hands – you had to act based on the inciting incident.

The incident can be big, but it doesn’t have to be. Sometimes people latch onto the most trivial of events to use for their final straw moments.

Some unwashed dishes left out could be the final straw that sparks a relationship breakup, but is that the real reason? Even the ensuing argument may not contain the real reasons for the breakup. The final straw event is just a convenience.

This is something to watch for within yourself. Is there any area of your life where you may be waiting for a final straw moment? Are you waiting for your boss, a friend, or a relationship partner to cross some arbitrary line, so you can finally cry foul and transition away from that connection? Is it possible that you’d even feel relieved if such an event occurred, like you finally had permission to move on without looking like the bad guy?

I’ve also seen this pattern come up when people are challenged working on some aspect of their lives. The struggle builds until they’re actively looking for a good enough reason to quit. They just need some kind of socially acceptable trigger moment to make it happen – an illness, a minor injury, a disagreement, a small failed project, an unexpected bill, etc. Then they can justify quitting, leaving, or transitioning.

What if people wait and wait, and a qualifying incident doesn’t come up? Then they’ll usually engineer one, often subconsciously. Have you ever seen someone go through a transition after an inciting incident, observing that they actually caused that incident and that it wasn’t something that anyone else actually did to them?

If you put a certain cause in motion, you’re basically baiting someone else to help you move closer to a transition.

I’d say the key lesson here is to be aware of this pattern and stay on the lookout for it, both in yourself and others. When you spot it in another person, encourage them to share their honest feelings and transition sooner without the need for an inciting incident. When you spot this pattern in yourself, question why you need an inciting incident to lean on and whether you can just be honest and change course.

The final straw event is a crutch. You don’t actually need it. When you realize that you’re waiting for a final straw event to occur, let that be your final straw right there – a clear enough signal that it’s time to make your move.

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How to Get Into Star Trek

This article idea was suggested by a Conscious Growth Club member. After a little reflection, I thought, why not?

I’ve seen every episode of every non-animated Star Trek series, including the original 1960s classic, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, Enterprise, Discovery, and the new Picard series. I’ve seen many episodes multiple times. I’ve seen all of the movies. I’ve been to a Star Trek Convention in Las Vegas. So I’m pretty well versed in Star Trek lore.

I met William Shatner (aka Captain Kirk) very briefly when I was in my 20s because we had the same lawyer for a while. That lawyer was helping me with a contract for my games business and Shatner with a book deal.

My ex-wife Erin got to be on the set of The Next Generation while they were filming the episode “Rascals,” and we bonded over Star Trek quite a bit in the early part of our relationship.

My favorite series is Star Trek: The Next Generation. Its seven seasons aired from 1987 to 1994, which was age 16 to 23 for me – a time of tremendous changes in my life, including losing my religion, moving out, getting arrested multiple times, some wild college experiences, and starting my first business. I watched the final episode of The Next Generation with my girlfriend Erin, who later became my first wife. I’ve never married a woman who isn’t into Star Trek – that’s a dealbreaker. If a woman doesn’t understand the essential communication building blocks that Star Trek references provide for a healthy, long-term relationship, we can’t be like Darmok and Jalad on the ocean.

Today my wife Rachelle and I still watch Star Trek often. Sometimes we play a “guess the episode” game, where one of us plays a random episode, and the other has to guess the exact title of the episode. Usually either of us can guess it well before the opening credits, sometimes within seconds. It’s a geeky game but fun for us.

A lot of my business and lifestyle decisions were actually influenced by my early exposure to Star Trek. One example was never having a job since The Next Generation ended – I decided to boldly go after meaningful work of my choosing and not to get trapped in hollow pursuits. Where did I get the idea to do so much personal exploration and experimenting? That’s my version of exploring the galaxy; for now I just have to do it without warp drive. Why is alignment so important to me? Because Star Trek helped me think a lot more deeply about how my values and decisions sculpt my character and how even small lapses can create big consequences.

The hardest part was realizing that the world I lived in didn’t match up very well with the values of the crew of The Next Generation. But I was happier when I didn’t give up, and I just kept reshaping my social environment to filter for a stronger values match there, full of people who value honesty, service, dedication, exploration, etc. I like people who take positive risks, not just for their own gains but for the benefit of others.

If you’ve never explored Star Trek before, in some sense I envy you. It can be an amazing journey once you get into it, one that really reshapes your character and your life path if you let it. It has affected my life more than any book I’ve read or seminar I’ve attended. Star Trek is probably the closest I come to having a religion.

To seriously answer the question about where to begin if you’ve never watched Star Trek at all, here’s my advice for dipping your toes in for an interesting taste of what it’s all about. Let me introduce you to it, if you’ll let me play that role for you.

In terms of series, I’d recommend starting with Star Trek: The Next Generation. It’s a very episodic show, so most episodes are meant to stand on their own. Some episodes, including many two-parters, carry a bit of a story arc, but for the most part there really isn’t a major story arc that carries through all the seasons. It’s not like Game of Thrones or Breaking Bad or other shows with a long story arc. The characters do change and evolve over time, but not nearly as much as you’re likely to see in more modern shows.

The nice thing about this is that you can watch just about any episode of The Next Generation as a one-off experience, and you don’t need the context of all the episodes around it.

There are just seven core characters on the show, so it’s not hard to keep track of everyone. The links go to the Wikipedia pages for the characters in case you want to see what they look like or learn more about them. They are:

  1. Jean-Luc Picard – He’s the captain of the ship. He loves Shakespeare, order, and structure and is awkward around kids. Many of the show’s most interesting values conflicts involve him. Generally he’s a very head-based character with well-developed reasoning skills, but he can get pretty fired up and passionate about his beliefs and values too.
  2. William Riker – He’s the first officer, second in command. He loves to explore, likes jazz, and has a playful, fun-loving vibe much of the time. He can be super serious and all business when the situation warrants though.
  3. Data – He’s the android character. He doesn’t feel emotion, can’t use contractions (except on some episodes where contractions slipped through), and often fumbles with humor. He’s also one of the kindest and most generous characters on the show. His journey includes exploring his “humanity” while the ship explores the galaxy. He has a cat named Spot (which during the series inexplicably flips from a male cat to a female one, so they can make it pregnant in season 7’s episode “Genesis”).
  4. Worf – He’s the Klingon character, a tactical officer and in charge of ship’s security, taking over this role when Tasha Yar dies in season 1. His #1 value is honor, and he loves to fight. Unfortunately he isn’t very good at his job since the ship incurs many serious lapses in security, but somehow he never gets fired. He also gets transplanted to Deep Space Nine as a regular on that show’s seasons 4-7, which further develops his character. Incidentally, the actor who played him, Michael Dorn, used to be a vegetarian, got prostate cancer, and then went fully vegan. I so wish he’d been able to realize his dream of a Worf-centric spinoff.
  5. Deanna Troi – She’s the compassionate ship’s counselor who can strongly sense people’s emotions. She’s half Betazoid on her mother’s side. Betazoids look human but are from a different planet, and they have the ability to use telepathy (with each other) and to know what the people around them are feeling. She often advises Captain Picard and helps comfort people who need it, like when someone is grieving a loss. She was previously in a relationship with Riker (which is explored in certain books like Imzadi), and sometimes there’s romantic or sexual tension between them. She loves chocolate even more than Rachelle.
  6. Geordi La Forge – He’s the chief engineer of the ship, mentally brilliant and highly competent but socially awkward around women he’s attracted to. He’s blind and wears a visor to help him see, albeit differently than people with normal vision. Think of him as the ship’s IT guy – same role as Scotty in the original series.
  7. Dr. Beverly Crusher – She’s the chief medical officer and mostly hangs out in Sick Bay, dealing with alien illnesses, phaser burns, and other ailments the crew encounters. She’s a sharp and compassionate healer and also knows how to dance. Note that in season 2 only, Dr. Crusher is replaced by Dr. Katherine Pulaski.

All of the characters are single, although Dr. Crusher is a widower.

Their starship is called the Enterprise, and their mission is to explore the galaxy and make friends. They try not to pick fights with anyone, but they often have to defend themselves.

There are other recurring characters too such as Miles O’Brien (transporter chief), Q (an omnipotent sadist), Guinan (a wise bartender), and Reginald Barclay (an engineer with social anxiety). One of Star Trek’s strengths is the great guest stars who add flair and style to many episodes – Barclay (played by Dwight Schultz, an actor I previously knew as Murdock from The A-Team) is among my favorites.

Compared to the original Star Trek from the 60s, The Next Generation uses subplots more often, and it tends to move faster pacing-wise. Of course it’s more modern, but its special effects are more modest than newer shows like Discovery and Picard. TNG focuses more on story, dramatic conflicts, and character interactions and less on flashy combat sequences. I also think it’s easier to figure out the characters if you’ve never watched this show before as they tend to be crisply defined. I think one of the most interesting aspects of the show is just watching the characters interact as they seek to make intelligent choices in challenging situations.

I’ll share a list of some of my favorite episodes that I’d recommend starting with. This will give you an interesting deep dive into the show for a minimal starting investment. If you like some of these episodes, then you can decide if you want to go deeper.

First off, I’d skip seasons 1 and 2 for the most part if you’re a newbie. In my opinion The Next Generation doesn’t really find its footing till season 3. I still find seasons 1 and 2 a bit hard to watch. The final episode of season 2 (“Shades of Gray”) is arguably the worst episode of all since they ran out of money and just threw it together from clips / flashbacks of earlier episodes, so the plot of that episode is super thin.

There are a few decent episodes in season 2, namely “Elementary, Dear Data,” “Measure of a Man,” and perhaps “Peak Performance,” but otherwise I’d recommend starting with season 3.

So here’s what I’d recommend watching (in order) to get your feet wet with Star Trek: The Next Generation:

  1. The Offspring (season 3) – I recommend starting with this episode for several reasons. It focuses mainly on just a few characters, and it’s easy to follow if you’re not familiar with the show. It’s one of the more tender episodes, so not a lot of action, but also with a bit of humor. It shows interesting sides of the main characters, especially Data and Picard. It’s one of the better episodes of the series and deals with a major values conflict that’s relevant today (state authority vs individual freedom). I’d say this episode does a good job of showing the heart of Star Trek that I appreciate so much. It also makes Rachelle cry every time we watch it.
  2. The Hunted (season 3) – If you prefer a more action-based episode to start with, I’d recommend starting with this one instead. Otherwise you can watch it after “The Offspring” even though it’s a bit earlier in season 3. This episode also deals with a similar values conflict but on a bigger scale. It has a fun, fast-paced beginning involving a prisoner transport gone wrong. It’s one of those “things are not as they initially appear” episodes that reveals more as it progresses. I wouldn’t say it’s one of the best episodes, but it’s a good one for getting familiar with some of the core characters like Data, Troi, and Picard.
  3. Remember Me (season 4) – This is an unusual episode that focuses mainly on Doctor Crusher (which makes it a really good one for getting to know her character). What I like about this episode is that it introduces a puzzling challenge that she has to figure out. It will also help you become familiar with different parts of the ship (Sick Bay, The Bridge, Engineering, The Observation Lounge, etc).
  4. Clues (season 4) – This is another mystery episode that involves more characters than “Remember Me.” It’s one of my favorites of the series. It’s a fun one where the crew has to work together to solve a puzzle. What I like about this episode is that a crew member still tries to do what’s right even when it creates major negative consequences for him.
  5. Half a Life (season 4) – This is a tender and thoughtful episode that addresses one of the many moral issues that Star Trek loves to tackle, in this case how to deal with an aging population that could be a burden on their children. Gene Roddenberry’s wife Majel Barrett plays one of the main characters in this episode. She also played Nurse Chapel in the original 1960s series, and she does the voice of the ship’s computer on The Next Generation.
  6. Disaster (season 5) – In this episode the ship is badly damaged, and different characters have to face challenges that push them outside of their comfort zones. It’s a good episode for becoming more familiar with the core characters and seeing how they deal with problems.
  7. Cause and Effect (season 5) – This is among my all-time favorite episodes. The Enterprise is caught in a time loop that’s slightly different each time through. The challenge is that once you know you’re stuck in a time loop, how do you escape it? What I like about this episode is how the crew must compare notes, learn from failure, and collaborate to find a solution.
  8. The First Duty (season 5) – This episode is a deep dive into a nasty values conflict between loyalty and honesty. How do you speak the truth when doing so would betray people you care about? It also takes us back to Starfleet Headquarters on Earth.
  9. The Inner Light (season 5) – This is another of my all-time favorites and Rachelle’s too. For many people it’s their #1 favorite. It’s very different than most episodes – a deep dive into Captain Picard’s character with a delightful ending. It aligns nicely with exploring subjective reality. Season 5 has a lot of good ones!
  10. Schisms (season 6) – This is one of the scarier episodes, about as horror-like as The Next Generation gets. It’s kind of fun though as the crew has to figure out what the heck is going on while many of them are being abducted. I especially like the Holodeck scene where they try to reconstruct their abduction experiences visually.
  11. Tapestry (season 6) – This is another Picard-focused episode, also starring John de Lancie as Q (an immortal pain in the ass who loves to teach the crew lessons). It’s about how experiences sculpt our characters. This episode aired about two years after my felony arrest, and it helped me make peace with some past mistakes. This is a good episode for anyone who’s afraid to push themselves.
  12. Frame of Mind (season 6) – I fell in love with this episode the first time I saw it. It aired in May 1993 while I was going through college in three semesters (near the end of my second semester). I remember returning to my dorm room to watch the VCR recording after a long day of classes. I found it so fun and intriguing that I watched it twice back to back. It focuses on the character of Riker and how he handles a deeply disturbing situation. It’s another great episode if you’re into subjective reality. How do you know what’s real and what isn’t?
  13. Parallels (season 7) – This episode focuses on the Klingon character Worf. It’s a “fish out of water” episode that sees him trying to solve a puzzle he doesn’t understand. It’s best to watch this episode after you’ve watched many others, so you have a baseline for spotting what’s out of place. It’s one of my favorites due to how it stretches the ship’s usual reality in different ways.
  14. The Pegasus (season 7) – This episode mainly focuses on a character conflict between Riker and two captains who outrank him, forcing him to pick a side in a difficult situation. It shows how past experiences and self-reflection shaped his values.
  15. Lower Decks (season 7) – This unusual episode juxtaposes the experiences of junior and senior officers, sometimes seriously and sometimes humorously. It offers a unique perspective on the ship’s culture and values. It’s a good one to watch after you’ve grown more familiar with the main characters.

So just start watching those in order, and see if you like it enough to make it through all 15. I would highly recommend that you push through and at least watch these 15 since it will give you a decent overview of what Star Trek is about, and it will give you much to chew on when it comes to pondering your values.

If you watch the above and like them enough to continue, here’s the second batch of 15 that I’d recommend next:

  1. Elementary, Dear Data (season 2) – This episode has a Sherlock Holmes theme and has some playful plots twists. IMO it’s just an okay episode, but it serves as the setup for a much better episode in season 6, “Ship in a Bottle.” You could watch these two episodes back to back if you like Sherlock Holmes, but it’s fine to watch them with some separation as well.
  2. The Measure of a Man (season 2) – Does a self-aware android have rights, or is it property? This episode explores AI rights from an interesting perspective. This episode should have warned us to start preparing for AI law decades ago, a field which will likely struggle to keep up with the rapid pace of ongoing development.
  3. Who Watches the Watchers? (season 3) – This is one of Rachelle’s favorite episodes, dealing with interactions between an advanced society and a primitive one. When Rachelle and I walk down a narrow sidewalk where there isn’t room to walk side by side, or if we’re practicing social distancing as we pass by other people, we often walk Mintakan style. This is one example of how our shared Star Trek knowledge enriches our lives, sometimes in small and playful ways, other times in much bigger ways. To share these insider experiences as part of a relationship journey is one of life’s most rewarding delights.
  4. First Contact (season 4) – In this episode Riker gets stranded in an alien hospital, and the aliens react much like humans probably would. When I watch this episode, it reminds me of how much further human society has to develop. It also includes one of the most playful scenes in the series.
  5. The Nth Degree (season 4) – Here’s a fun episode that focuses on a recurring character with social anxiety (Barclay). This episode reminds me of various gains we can make from investing in personal development, such as increased confidence, while also warning of the risks of disconnection.
  6. In Theory (season 4) – The android Data explores his first romantic relationship with a female crew member. It’s a sweet and endearing episode that Rachelle and I often quote, especially the “lover’s quarrel” scene.
  7. Darmok (season 5) – This ridiculously quotable episode tackles a difficult communication problem and shows how important it can be not to make erroneous assumptions about intent. It’s definitely a fan favorite.
  8. The Game (season 5) – This episode involves an addictive game and a conspiracy to take over the ship. Rachelle says I mainly like it because of my crush on Ashley Judd. She’s probably right. I also think it’s an interesting take on addictive behavior and how it sucks people in. Consider how many aspects of tech and society function like “The Game” today.
  9. The Masterpiece Society (season 5) – Imagine the ultimate master-planned community based on everyone doing what they’re meant to do. Would it be resilient enough to endure? I like this episode due to its interesting themes, characters, and exploration of values, especially the clash of Eastern and Western philosophies.
  10. Conundrum (season 5) – This is a fun episode to watch once you’re pretty familiar with the main characters. In this episode the whole crew gets amnesia, and it’s amusing to see how they behave when they lose their identities. How would you naturally behave if you lost the connection to your identity?
  11. Ship in a Bottle (season 6) – Only watch this one after you’ve watched “Elementary, Dear Data” since it continues the storyline of one of the Sherlock Holmes characters. It’s fun!
  12. Lessons (season 6) – I’d only recommend watching this one if you’ve seen “The Inner Light” first since there’s a connection between these two episodes. “Lessons” is a Picard-focused episode that explores the Captain’s character through a relationship lens.
  13. The Chase (season 6) – I really like this adventurous episode, and it’s one of Rachelle’s favorites too. It’s best to watch this one after you’ve seen many others. It connects the dots between the different races/species. I like how it makes me think about how we’re all connected, even when we fight and disagree. It also has some good humor.
  14. Rightful Heir (season 6) – This is a great episode for better understanding Worf’s character and Klingon culture. I love the character of Gowron, especially his intense eyes that could stare a hole in a bulkhead. This episode explores belief, faith, and leadership. It’s one of the most spiritual episodes of the series.
  15. Firstborn (season 7) – This is another Worf focused episode that shares more insights on Klingon culture and delves into regret, loyalty, and self-acceptance. Of all the episodes that feature Worf’s son Alexander, this is my favorite.

This will get you to 30 episodes, which is still only 1/6th of the show’s 178 episodes. And there are hundreds more episodes of the other series too. I think these 30 should give you a wonderful mini-dive into the show and the Star Trek universe. Think of it like watching 3 seasons of a show that’s 10 episodes per season.

Watching one episode per day would make for a great 30-day challenge, right? One month from now, you could be reasonably well-versed in some understanding of the Star Trek universe. Even though it may seem mundane, this little investment could enrich your life more than you expect.

There is so much more to the show and the Star Trek universe, but these episodes are a great way to get started.

After these 30 episodes, if you like the show and want to get into it more, then I’d recommend going back to season 1 and watching all the remaining episodes in order. Just don’t let seasons 1 and 2 get you down since the show gets much better from season 3 onward. I’d say that seasons 5 and 6 are the best.

From there I’d recommend watching Deep Space Nine next, then the original 1960s Star Trek, and then Enterprise. Deep Space Nine is a really good series that also suffers from a weaker first two seasons, but it really picks up when it gets into a long story arc involving the Dominion War, and even moreso when Worf joins in the show in season 4. Then after these you could join the modern world by catching up on Discovery and Picard. Personally I think The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine are the best Star Trek series of all, especially in terms of interesting stories and characters.

Enjoy and prosper! 🙂

P.S. If you actually do this, let me know what you think and how it impacts you. I’m genuinely curious to know. Other than the original 1960s show, I watched most of these shows when they first aired, then rewatched many episodes over the years afterwards. I wonder what it would be like for someone who hasn’t seen any episodes and just starts getting into Star Trek today.

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Fragile Habits

Some habits are more fragile than others.

Once established, some habits are very delicate. If you miss a day or try to alter them, it’s easy to knock them out of place completely and see them fade out.

Other habits are more resilient. You can push and prod them, change them in different ways, and they still stick pretty well. At the extreme they act like borderline addictions – it’s harder to stop doing them than to keep doing them.

For me early rising is a relatively fragile habit. I need to be strict with it to keep it in place. I can let myself sleep in a little later very infrequently, like a few times per quarter for an extra hour or two if I really want, but otherwise it’s an always-on habit seven days a week. If I start permitting exceptions even once a week, there’s too much chance of falling out of the habit. Knowing how fragile it is makes it easier for me to accept its fragility and thereby maintain the habit.

Daily exercise is a more resilient habit overall, but some aspects of it are more fragile, so I still have to be careful with it. The timing is sensitive; it usually works best if I do it first thing in the morning. The format is less sensitive, but I’m most consistent with running outside. The duration is very flexible since I can maintain this habit just as well whether I do 30 or 60 minutes or more. The frequency is semi-fragile. If I do 5-6 days per week, I’m good – I don’t need to do this every day to maintain it.

How do you know how fragile certain habits are and to what extent? You test, and you keep track of what you learned from testing.

When some people fail to install a habit or lose a good habit they’d previously gained, they see it as a personal failing. I think that’s a weak way to frame it. Look to the parameters of the habit instead. If those had been slightly different, you might have succeeded. Don’t beat yourself up when a habit doesn’t stick. Examine how you were approaching the habit instead. Where did you cross the line from consistency to collapse?

It’s good to experiment with your habit parameters to see where the fragility is and where you can count on flexibility and robustness. Which tweaks are risky? Which changes are pretty safe? You can discover these answers through experience.

When you lean where the fragile edges are, you can go right up to them when you want extra flexibility without crossing them. Granted these edges will usually be fuzzy, but you can still map out where the safe zones and danger zones are.

I recommend establishing a strict baseline for your habits that you know you can stick with first. This is why I like 30-day challenges as a good starting point. Start with solid consistency for a good month at least. Don’t even skip one day. When you feel confident that you could continue as-is, you can try tweaking the habit here and there to map out the fragile zones. Maybe back off to 5 or 6 days a week. Try doing the habit at a different time of day. Change the duration. Change the setting.

Learn where flexibility works and where it doesn’t. If a habit starts to break, and you catch it early, you can return to your previous baseline for another week or two before you experiment again.

If you totally lose a habit for a while, you can re-establish it with a fresh 30-day challenge. But remember how you broke it, and do your best to avoid making that same mistake again.

One reason I struggled to lock-in being an early riser is that I thought I could be semi-flexible with it, like it would be fine if I gave myself a “cheat day” once a week or so. From many years of emails and coaching calls with people attempting to adopt a similar habit, I can tell you that this is a super common mistake that holds many people back. Too many times I gave myself permission to stay up late, and I screwed it up and lost the habit. I learned from experience that I need to be strict with it to maintain it. That realization keeps me on track. It’s actually easier to get up at the same time daily versus only six days a week.

My recent food logging habit, on the other hand, seems very resilient. It would be hard to break it, partly because it’s so easy to keep going with it. This is also a simple habit to re-establish even if I did break it since it doesn’t require any significant willpower to pick up where I left off. So I’m gradually opening up to be less strict while still keeping to the core value it provides, which is awareness of what I’m eating. I’m starting to eyeball the quantities of more foods that I eat often and where the calories normally fall into tight ranges. One banana is only going to have so many calories, and I really don’t need to weigh a few olives each time. It’s not going to matter much if my estimates are off by +/- 50 calories at the end of a day, especially since my exercise and activity varies each day too. Doing this habit imperfectly still provides essentially the same benefits as doing it perfectly, as long as I don’t fall below some minimum standard of tracking.

If you struggle to adopt or maintain certain habits, consider that you may be dipping into the fragile danger zone with them too often. You may be trying to maintain a more casual and flexible relationship with the habit than it permits. But you may also be able to squeeze more flexibility out of a habit if you accept the necessity from stricter form on the most fragile aspects. For instance, I can choose different routes to run each day.

There’s freedom in strictness. It’s more peace-inducing to know where the boundaries are since then you know what it takes to maintain the habit. Know your minimum standard means that you can trust the habit to stick as long as you stay at or above that standard.

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Your Giant Pumpkin

One of my favorite business books is The Pumpkin Plan by Mike Michalowicz. It uses the analogy of growing giant pumpkins and applies it to building a business.

The basic idea is to figure out who your best customers or clients are, so you can specifically tailor your business to serving them well. Then ideally you’ll attract more people like them and build a thriving business that’s also a joy to run.

Here’s the key though: To grow a giant pumpkin, you need to pluck the smaller pumpkins off the vine – whichever pumpkins aren’t good candidates for eventually becoming giant ones. Ultimately you want all of the vine’s energy flowing into growing just one pumpkin – the pumpkin that will become your giant one.

Mike suggests actually firing your misaligned customers (i.e. your partial matches), even if it means letting most of your customers go. Then rebuild from whatever is left, even if you only have one or two clients left after purging.

Note that this is similar to Marie Kondo’s strategy of releasing whatever possessions don’t spark joy for you. You could regard The Pumpkin Plan as The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up applied to business. Keep what sparks joy. Let the rest go. Then make sure whatever else you add sparks joy too. It’s about raising your standards and then keeping them high.

When you develop higher standards for the customers you attract, you can focus on building long-term, win-win relationships with them. Such people are delightful to serve. They appreciate what you do for them.

Consider a company you love to deal with. Compare that with a company you hate dealing with. Now flip it around. For the first company, you’re probably an awesome customer, and they may have good reason to want to invest more in a relationship with you. Would you like that too?

For the second company, however, you may be a bad customer for them, and they may be better off repelling you because they can’t actually do a good job of pleasing you. But they may be able to please and delight a different kind of customer. Do you see how that might be possible? A company that sucks for you to deal with might actually be decent or even good for someone else. You may not be a good investment for them, but someone else might.

I think how far you take this frame depends on your type of business and how much work is needed to serve people. With my blog I can serve lots of people who never become paying customers, and I’m fine with that because the Internet makes this very efficient. But since we also offer courses and Conscious Growth Club memberships, I have to be careful about the incoming flow there. If we attract misaligned people into the courses and CGC, it could make the business a hell to run and really slow us down.

Fortunately the nature of my work does a pretty good job of attracting the right people. I’ve published more than 1550 blog posts, so that does a lot of filtering by the nature of the topics. Once they read enough free articles, people are generally pretty good at figuring out if we’re a good match or if we’d be better off going our own separate ways.

When I first started blogging in 2004, I didn’t think about this. But over time I realized that blogging serves to filter for aligned versus misaligned matches. It attracts a pool of people who want to keep investing in a long-term relationship together, and it (sooner or later) repels people who don’t want that.

Occasionally I write articles to deliberately repel certain types of people when it’s pretty obvious that we wouldn’t be good matches for working together long-term. Here are some examples:

  • 10 Reasons You Should Never Have a Religion – Highly religious people generally don’t make good matches for my business. I’m an ex-Catholic and don’t belong to any religion, and that bothers many of those people who see me as a heathen or heretic or some kind of demon. I know because in my early years of blogging, they used to send me long emails filled with Bible quotes telling my why I was doomed. So partly I wrote that 2008 article to deliberately piss them off and clear them out (which actually worked quite well). I want my business to be build upon mutual respect with the people I serve. People who are too religious don’t respect my open-mindedness and curiosity much, and I don’t have much respect for beliefs built upon layers of goofy nonsense (including the beliefs I was taught when I was younger). Moreover, having a head full of religious dogma really gets in the way of exploring many aspects of personal growth that require open-mindedness and framing flexibility. While I do believe you can be religious and still grow, I’d much rather work with people who’ve outgrown such training wheels and have the maturity to go faster. We don’t really know how this reality actually works at a base level, and we never will, and we need to deal with that intelligently. So I see getting past this clingy, false truth phase as an important prerequisite for getting into the much juicier aspects of personal growth. That said, I’m okay if such people want to keep reading my blog posts, and if a few do become customers from time to time, that’s okay too. But I don’t want my business to cater to their fictions. Some people have actually thanked me for how my work helped them overcome the constraints and limitations of misaligned religious beliefs, and I welcome more customers who want to take that journey too. So that article is also an invitation.
  • How to Be Vegan (and other articles on veganism) – I’ve been vegan for 23+ years, and my wife is a long-term vegan too. We’re ethical vegans, so we see it as unethical to treat animals and their bodies as products for human use. I wasn’t born vegan, so I know what it’s like to live with a very different values system as well. I’m fine having customers with opposing values in this area. But it’s important that they don’t have an issue with my being vegan because these values infuse my business too. For instance, if we did a live event and served food at the event, we’d make sure that are the meals were plant-based. To some people that will be attractive. To others it will be acceptable. But some would resist dealing with that kind of business. If people are too resistant to values that are really important to me, it will create friction in our ability to invest in each other long-term. We’d lose respect for each other. With an online business this friction is lower than it would be under different circumstances, but I still want people to do their part to self-select. If someone has an issue with veganism, they’re unlikely to be a strong long-term match. But someone could still be non-vegan and accepting of my lifestyle and values, and we could still invest powerfully in each other. I am used to interacting with people with different values, and I want to work with people who can handle this as well for our mutual benefit. Moreover, I love attracting fellow vegans as customers, so this filter works well both ways.
  • Please Begone From My Reality, Foul Trump Supporters – Trump supporters are quite possibly the worst mismatches for my business. One of our core principles is truth alignment because truth is a key growth accelerator, and such people are demonstrably far from it, not to mention Trump himself. The whole America First mindset obviously doesn’t mesh well with a global business that attracts readers and customers from all around the world. Imagine what it would do to this community if it were infected with lots of hatred, violent attitudes, ridiculous conspiracy theories, and so much other Trumpian nonsense. This isn’t about politics at all. It’s mostly about basic intelligence. So personally and professionally, I prefer to repel Trump supporters like infected zombies that might bite if they get too close. I don’t want customers that I’d feel inclined to punch (and that many current customers would want to punch too). If I did cater to Trump supporters, they’d eventually piss off many of my very best customers, much like you see certain customers fighting over masks at various retail stores like Costco or Target. I’d rather have a harmonious business that sparks joy. Trump supporters spark nausea.

I think you get the idea.

Since I’m very actively involved in the business (including writing the blog posts, creating the courses, and doing the coaching calls in CGC), it’s important that people are able to accept me personally too, at least well enough to feel good about being customers of my business. I think the best policy here is honesty and openness about what I’m into. So I don’t try to hide my personal interests, including those that will repel some people, like D/s play or open relationships.

Some people will try to make their businesses appeal to as many people as possible by following the rule “Thou shalt not take a stand.” I might be able to grow my business differently if I did that too, but I wouldn’t enjoy it as much. It wouldn’t spark as much joy. And I think my customers and readers would pick up on that too, and it would drag down our relationships.

Consider that if you hold yourself to a higher standard of customers who spark joy for you, you’ll very likely want to engage with and invest more in your business – because you like it. You’ll remove a lot of the friction that many entrepreneurs suffer from. It’s challenging enough to develop and evolve a business with the best customers. You don’t need to inject mixed feelings, doubt, worry, and procrastination to make it harder on yourself. Just think of what it would be like to run a business that attracts mostly Trump supporters, and you’ll get a better idea of how important this is.

Even after three years of doing group coaching calls in Conscious Growth Club, I still look forward to them. The reason is simple – the wonderful people we have inside and the cooperative spirit we create together. We still have our differences, including some hefty debates now and then, but deep down there’s enough alignment that we can work very well together to help each other grow.

A group like CGC is vulnerable and delicate though. It’s hard to create a group like this, and it would be easy to break it. I do my best to make sure that the stream that feeds it isn’t filling up with people who’d ruin what we’ve built.

I often frame my blogging work as writing for current and future CGC members. I primarily write for the giant pumpkins, and a big part of this involves pruning those who’d resist what we’re doing. As I see it, there’s no need for bad blood when that happens – the mismatches are simply someone else’s giant pumpkins.

My web traffic these days is significantly lower today than it was at its peak many years ago, yet my business is doing better than ever. We have zero debt, abundant cash, and solid and stable income streams. There’s a wonderful group of aligned customers who appreciate what we offer and who want more. That’s a really nice place to be, especially during a pandemic when many other businesses aren’t doing so well.

I think it was critical not to try to be all things to all people, such as by writing only fluffy articles that no one could object to. If you want to invite stronger alignment, you have to invite objection too. That’s true both personally and professionally. But the rejections are usually quick and painless. The long-term relationships you build can provide so much mutual benefit over time.

It’s really about impact. A business will be more impactful with some people than with others. If you get duped into dealing with too many mini-pumpkins, you probably won’t have the long-term impact that would really light you up and make you love going to work each day.

You may not really know who your giant pumpkin is when you start. I didn’t. That’s okay. When pumpkins start growing on a vine, you won’t immediately know which ones to prune and which one to keep. Give it time. Pay attention. Look for the serious misalignments, and prune them quickly. Then feed more energy into the candidate pumpkins till a clearer winner emerges.

More generally, pay attention to which aspects of your business spark joy, and invest more in them. And notice which aspects spark nausea, and prune them. This is especially important to do for your customers. Aligned relationships are good for all involved.

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Pre-Consent in Relationships

One of the most delicious phrases to hear in a sexual encounter is, “You can do whatever you want with me.” Mmmm!

That’s a form of pre-consent. In that case it’s perhaps overly broad, and there may be some hidden boundaries to discover along the way, but it really opens the door to less constrained exploration together.

Even when pre-consent is more limited, it can speed a connection along towards the more fun and interesting parts.

When you’re beginning to explore a new connection with someone, I encourage you to invite a conversation about what falls within the realm of pre-consent and what doesn’t.

Many people perceive the main risk of a new relationship to be moving too quickly and accidentally doing something the other person doesn’t like. That’s a valid concern. But another major issue is that you might move too slowly and miss out on good opportunities. What if the other person was willing to go further, and you held back? What if you go so slowly that the connection fizzles?

I’ve missed some good opportunities for connection when I held back by assuming boundaries that the other person didn’t actually have, which I later learned during a follow-up conversation.

One way to avoid missing out here is to talk openly about areas of pre-consent for anything that you’re curious or uncertain about. I’ve been surprised multiple times by how much someone is willing to explore early in a connection. I tend to underestimate people by assuming that they have constraints that aren’t there. A short pre-consent conversation can reveal the actual truth.

Not everyone feels comfortable having these kinds of conversations, but for those who do, it’s so refreshing. I definitely appreciate such conversations since it gives me clarity about where the person’s current comfort zone is. It gives me more confidence that I won’t accidentally cross a line – and also that I won’t overlook a really nice opportunity to connect, play, or have more fun together.

It’s really nice to get more clarity about which doors are really closed and which doors are actually open. It’s been my experience that the truth doesn’t always align with my expectations. However, after practicing this more, I found that my expectations improved to move further into alignment with truth. Experience helped to upgrade my intuition. So you may find such conversations more valuable when you have less experience; you may not need them as much as you gain relationship experience.

A pre-consent conversation can even be done via texting or email. And it can happen in any stage of a relationship – from before you meet to many years into a long-term relationship or marriage.

The point is simply to discover what the other person is okay experiencing with you without your having to ask each time. What can you just do without hitting resistance?

Here are some questions you can answer:

  • Can I hold your hand when we walk together?
  • Can I hug you? How often?
  • Can I kiss you? How often? Do you like French kissing?
  • Can I ask you deep personal questions?
  • How physical can I be with you?
  • Would you enjoy cuddling while we watch a movie? Cuddle sleeping together?
  • How far are you willing to go on our first / next date (even before it happens)?
  • Can I talk openly about what I’d like to do sexually with you? Or would that make you uncomfortable?
  • Can I tease you sexually? What kinds of teasing do you like?
  • Can I touch your breasts? As much as I want?
  • Can I give you oral sex? Will you give me oral sex?
  • Do you like D/s play? If so, what are you open to exploring?
  • Are you open to threesomes?

I wouldn’t ask all of these questions up front interview style, although I suppose you could. I think it’s better to do this in stages. Start with some of the easier ones. If you meet resistance there, you may want to pause to see if any of those closed doors open up later.

You may be surprised by the actual boundaries some people have. There is no ladder of sexual and emotional openness where everyone has a convenient spot on some particular rung, just as there’s no ladder of consciousness. (Power vs Force has an interesting ladder to read about, but it’s also nonsense in terms of practical reality… and basically the same one used by Scientology.)

Any wild fantasy you have, including ones that initially seem nonconsensual, can be made consensual if you just ask. What if the other person would enjoy having that experience with you? You may never know if you don’t ask.

I wonder how many people secretly fantasize or turn to porn regarding certain experiences they don’t have an outlet for in real life… that they actually could have if they just opened up and asked around to see who’s interested. It’s way more delicious to explore various desires for real. You just need consent. How do you get consent? Ask enough people.

A common issue here is being afraid of the no. But hearing a no early and up front is better than dodging the truth like Trump at a news conference. Avoiding a potential no will only build more fear and hesitation. The more truth you invite early, the easier it is to make aligned decisions and to find aligned partners.

If a no is temporary, it’s good to get it out early, so you know where you are. And if the no is permanent, then it’s an invitation to decide whether to explore with that person while honoring their boundaries or if you’d prefer to connect with someone more compatible. Don’t perceive it as a failure if you find that someone’s boundaries don’t match your own and that a connection isn’t going to work as you’d hoped. Instead, honor the other person as a unique individual, and then honor your own desires by seeking a good match.

This also depends on where your boundaries are and how comfortable you feel moving faster. In some areas I’m slower and more cautious, like in wanting to connect with people who have aligned ethical values. In other areas I like to move faster than most, like when it comes to physical touch and affection because I enjoy that so much.

A pre-consent conversation could reveal a yes that unlocks a lot of yumminess – emotional intimacy, affection, sexual pleasure, playfulness, laughter, fun, and more. I’m enjoying a 10+ year relationship that began with a playful pre-consensual conversation, and it’s exceedingly delightful. I appreciate it each day.

One thing I really like about this relationship is that we started out fast. I think that was important because we lived in different countries. If we had moved too slowly in the beginning during the limited number of days we had together in person, we might not have gone through enough open doors to bond as quickly and deeply as we did. We might have robbed ourselves of some really beautiful experiences and some fabulous early memories that set the tone for the future years of our relationship.

Don’t overlook the risk of moving too slowly. Holding back could lead to some of your biggest lifetime regrets. Fortunately you don’t have to violate someone’s boundaries to move faster.

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