There are so many things happening in children’s lives that are outside of parents’ control, so it’s understandable that parents can go a little bonkers over issues they can control, like food.

Some mums and dads worry so much about “proper” nutrition that they can suck the fun right out of one of life’s greatest pleasures – eating what we love.

Paediatric emergency room physician Dr. Dina Kulik said sugar, carbohydrates and processed foods, for example, trigger far more fear than they deserve. “In realistic amounts, and within an overall balanced diet, they’re not the villains they’re often made out to be,” she said. “The stress and restriction around these foods can be more harmful than the foods themselves.”

Many paediatricians are parents themselves, and they often have a more relaxed attitude about what their kids eat than you might expect. Here are some of the surprising things that show up at their dinner tables:

“We stop for fast food occasionally,” said Dr. Debra Langlois, a paediatrician at the University of Michigan Health C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital. “I’m a working parent; so when I get out of work late, and my children have an activity I need to get them to, they still have to eat. It’s important for all of us parents to remember that we’re doing the best we can. We need to give ourselves some grace as we strive to give children a healthy lifestyle that includes nutrition and physical activity.”

In a busy household, “some nights everyone just needs something quick and easy,” said Dr. Alicia Tucker, attending paediatrician at Children’s National’s obesity program called Improving Diet, Energy and Activity for Life (IDEAL).

“For us, chicken tenders fit the bill because they’re affordable, cook quickly and will always be eaten. I aim to balance this with easy, healthy sides that add some fibre and other nutrients, like putting them on top of a salad or serving them with apple slices or corn.”

“I do oven frying to use less oil, and I do use sweet potatoes sometimes,” said Dr. Tokunbo Akande, an integrative paediatrician. It’s a choice he feels just fine about: “A single food doesn’t determine a child’s health, so when the foundation is whole-food, plant-forward eating, occasional ‘fast foods’ don’t derail gut health, because the gut is more resilient.”

For Dr. Sara Hagan, a paediatrician at Oklahoma Children’s OU Health, frozen french fries are a welcome choice “on busy nights when we need something quick that our toddler will eat.” She went on to say that some parents worry unnecessarily about packaged foods and snacks. “While fresh foods are ideal, many packaged options contain added vitamins and nutrients that can support toddlers and picky eaters, and they can complement whole foods for a balanced diet.” Just remember that what your child eats isn’t a referendum on you, she said. “A child’s picky eating, preference for ‘treat’ foods or adventurous palate don’t reflect on a parent’s ability. The most important thing is raising a happy, healthy child.”

“My kids get barbecue or vinegar-and-salt chips as an occasional snack,” said Dr. Anisha Abraham, chief of adolescent medicine at Children’s National Hospital.

“As a teen health specialist taking care of adolescents with eating disorders, I know that strictly controlling what kids eat may increase anxiety around eating, lead to sneaking food, or contribute to disordered eating patterns later in life. Kids benefit from structure, including regular meals and snacks, but they also need independence and trust so they can develop healthy patterns as they become young adults.”

The crunchy treat also gets a nod from Dr. Adolfo Flores, a paediatrician at Children’s Health Dallas. “I have a 19-month-old, and she’ll occasionally enjoy some potato chips,” he said. “Although the amount of sodium and carbohydrates may give pause, it’s important that my daughter understands that a healthy diet looks like a diverse selection of foods, and that includes things like chips on occasion.”

Registered dietitian Katherine Shary leads paediatric obesity prevention efforts at Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta. “I let my kids have dessert with dinner a couple times per week,” she said. “That includes ice cream, cake, brownies, cookies or popsicles.” She offered a smart approach to offering sweets. “If your child asks for brownies, you might say, ‘Sure, we can have brownies with dinner,’ and then serve one brownie to each person. If they ask for more, you can respond with: ‘That’s all the brownies we have for this meal, but if you’re still hungry, there’s plenty of other food on the table.’ This sets a clear boundary without shame or making dessert feel off-limits.”

“Peanut butter chocolate ice cream is my son’s favourite sweet treat,” said Dr. Paulina Tran, a paediatrician and associate program director in the allergy and immunology department of paediatrics at Los Angeles Medical Center. “As an allergist, I’m very aware that peanut is a top allergen. We know from strong evidence that early and regular exposure to allergens like peanuts can help prevent food allergies in many children. Since I know my child can safely eat peanuts, I’m supportive of him enjoying chocolate peanut butter ice cream as part of maintaining that regular exposure.”

“I do allow my kids, who are school-aged, to drink soda when we’re on vacation or celebrating birthdays,” said Dr. Rebecca Carter, a paediatrician at the University of Maryland Golisano Children’s Hospital and an associate professor at the University of Maryland School of Medicine. “As parents, we feel that treating soda as a once-in-a-while treat is a fair compromise, so that foods don’t feel fully off-limits or forbidden.”

Tucker noted, “Research consistently shows that parental modelling of healthy eating behaviours has a huge impact on a child’s developing relationship with food. When kids see their parents eating a variety of foods, they’re more likely to do so as well.”

She had some practical tips for being a good food role model: “Put cucumber sticks or other crunchy veggies on the table for a pre-dinner snack while you’re cooking, and over time your kids are likely to pick up on the habit, too. And if you’re craving a cookie after dinner, remember to avoid comments about weight or body image or only getting to eat it because you exercised. Just let everyone take a cookie together and enjoy the evening.”

The biggest takeaway from the paediatricians we spoke with is that you set the tone around food, and it should be one of pleasure, enjoyment and nourishment.

“Most parents restrict treats because they care deeply about their kids’ growth and development – and that comes from a loving place,” Shary said. “If you’ve been using dessert only as a reward or bribe, you haven’t failed – you were doing what you thought was best. You can always try something new, like offering a small dessert with a meal or snack without strings attached. When dessert is treated as simply another food, kids build a healthier, more positive relationship with eating that can benefit them for life.”

Finally, remember the vibe at the dinner table can be so much more important than what’s being served. “Creating a positive mealtime environment where kids feel safe, heard and included often matters just as much as what’s on their plate,” Abraham said.

“Gut health is as much emotional as it is nutritional,” Akande reminded parents. “When we remove shame and pressure from eating, we support the nervous system and kids digest better. The most ‘integrative’ thing we can offer is a relaxed, joyful relationship with food.