A&E Doctors Share The Most Ridiculous Sex-Related Injuries They’ve Seen

Posted on 17/01/2026 by Boris Clair

Sex should be a fun and satisfying time – not something that puts you in the emergency room. And yet, it happens more often than you think.

Emergency rooms see it all – including what happens when sex goes sideways. From objects that disappear to injuries that require surgery, doctors say the biggest problem isn’t curiosity or experimentation. It’s waiting too long to get help because you feel ashamed.

“Most sex-related injuries are preventable, and none of them should be a source of shame,” Dr. Martina Ambardjieva, a urologist and ER physician, told HuffPost.

“What does cause problems is waiting too long to seek care because of embarrassment. If something feels wrong, pain, bleeding, swelling, or an object that refuses to come out, just come in. Trust me, we’ve seen it all.”

These kinds of injuries are quite common, according to doctors, but shame often keeps people from getting the help they need.

Two emergency physicians shared some of the most common – and most alarming – sex-related injuries they’ve treated, along with what people should know if something goes wrong.

Penile fractures are as dramatic as they sound

Ambardjieva said the “classic penile fracture” is one of the most urgent sex-related emergencies she sees.

“It’s exactly as dramatic as it sounds – a loud ‘crack,’ immediate swelling, and a lot of panic,” she explains. It most often happens when the penis slips out during thrusting and forcefully hits a partner’s pelvis.

“A penile fracture occurs when the tunica albuginea, the tough fibrous sheath surrounding the erectile tissue, tears,” she explains. “When the penis is erect, that tissue becomes thin and stretched, making it vulnerable to sudden bending or impact – even though there’s no bone inside.”

If someone delays seeking care, the torn tissue can heal improperly. “That can lead to permanent curvature, painful erections, or long-term erectile dysfunction,” Ambardjieva said. “This is the one sexual injury where time really matters.”

Objects that get ‘lost’

Ambardjieva said foreign objects getting “lost” in the body are a routine part of ER and gynaecology work.

“I’ve removed all kinds of items that weren’t designed to go inside the body – cucumbers, carrots, sprays – and I’ve also seen objects in the male urethra, like a pencil,” she said. “People are usually terrified and embarrassed, but it’s more common than they think.”

The problem often comes down to using objects without a flared base, smooth shape, or any kind of safety stop. That’s why you might run into this phrase: “If it has no flare, it shouldn’t go up there.”

Where something is inserted also matters. The vaginal canal is a closed space, so objects can get stuck but won’t travel deeper into the body. “The rectum, however, has no anatomical stop and creates suction, meaning objects can be pulled further inside,” Ambardjieva explains. “The urethra is narrow and delicate, making insertions particularly dangerous.”

If you’re embarrassed to come into the hospital because you’ve inserted something that’s become stuck, Ambardjieva hopes you’ll reconsider and not let the stigma keep you from getting care.

“It’s important to normalise this. We remove lost objects every week in the emergency and urology practice,” Ambardjieva said. “It’s a common medical issue – not something to be ashamed of.”

Vaginal tears and bleeding after sex

Small vaginal tears are another frequent reason for ER visits, especially among postmenopausal women or anyone dealing with vaginal dryness.

“Even a small tear can bleed more than people expect, which really scares them,” Ambardjieva said.

Friction, insufficient lubrication, or a tense pelvic floor can all cause micro-tears. She notes that water-based lubricants can dry out quickly, increasing friction, while silicone-based lubes stay slippery longer and can reduce tearing.

Bleeding, Ambardjieva said, becomes more concerning if it doesn’t slow, comes with large clots, severe pain, lightheadedness or difficulty urinating. In other words, head to the emergency room as soon as possible.

Testicular torsion during sex

While less common, Ambardjieva has seen testicular torsion triggered during intercourse. “It’s sudden, sharp testicular pain – and it’s an emergency until proven otherwise,” she said.

Torsion happens when the spermatic cord twists, cutting off blood flow. Without treatment within about four to six hours, the testicle can be permanently damaged or lost. Some men are more vulnerable because of anatomical variations that allow the testicle to rotate more freely inside the scrotum.

“Circulation is blocked due to the twisting of the spermatic cord,” Ambardjieva explains. “Without rapid treatment, usually within four to six hours, there is a real risk of permanently losing the testicle, because of lost lasting ischemia (insufficient blood flow).”

Condom mishaps

Broken condoms or condoms that get stuck inside are another source of anxious ER visits.

“These are usually very easy for us to remove safely,” Ambardjieva said, adding that problems tend to come from incorrect sizing, not enough lubrication, expired condoms, heat exposure, or using oil-based products that weaken latex.

Bruising from oral sex

Not all sex injuries come from penetration.

“I’ve seen bruising and swelling just from overly enthusiastic suction,” Ambardjieva said. “It’s usually harmless, but if the swelling is severe or the penis starts bending, get checked.”

Broken capillaries can leave marks that look alarming but usually fade within days. However, spreading bruising, significant pain, fever, difficulty urinating, or a bent penis should be checked out, which may indicate infection or deeper tissue injury.

When things go seriously wrong

Dr. Jared L. Ross, an assistant professor at the University of Missouri, has seen some extreme cases.

Several years ago in St. Louis, he said he treated a patient who inserted his pet gerbil into his rectum with lubrication: “He ended up in the ER with rectal bleeding. We were able to get the gerbil out, but unfortunately, the gerbil wasn’t so lucky; he had already suffocated.”

In December 2024, Ross said he treated two patients on the same Christmas shift whose wives were out of town.

“One had inserted a full-sized LED lightbulb into his rectum. It required anaesthesia and surgical removal,” he said. “Shortly after, another patient arrived with his wife’s vibrator lodged inside. Both myself and the other ER doc on shift tried again, but no luck, we had to call the surgeon back. I remember he remarked it was a pretty fancy one, rechargeable batteries. I can’t imagine how those conversations went when their wives got back in town.”

So it’s unsurprising that Ross encourages people to come to the ER if they run into an issue like this (or a less extreme one), but also to be more proactive about safety when it comes to the rear end. “If you’re into inserting things into your rectum, use devices designed for that so they don’t get lost,” he said.

The bottom line

Both doctors stress that shame is what causes the real harm, wacky hijinks aside.

“Sexual injuries and accidents are far more common than people realise,” Ambardjieva said. “Emergency clinicians truly aren’t judging. We’ve seen it all.”

Pain, bleeding, swelling, or an object that won’t come out are all signs to seek care – sooner rather than later.

“Bodies are vulnerable, sex is physical, and sometimes things go wrong,” she adds. “Getting help early is always the right, responsible thing to do.”

Ask A Sexologist: Why Don’t I Feel In The Mood For Sex Until My Partner Initiates?

Posted on 16/01/2026 by Boris Clair

Not all lust is the same, licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos, told HuffPost UK.

Sure, there’s the better-known spontaneous desire ― a sudden, proactive urge that can cause the spark that initiates sex.

But Roos said that though “many people have gotten the idea of the lust being something that ‘just should pop up’… this is rarely the reality”.

Instead, she explained, a lot of us experience “reactive desire”.

What is reactive desire?

For those with “reactive desire,” lust only, or mostly, kicks in in response to another’s expression of attraction.

That can be “someone taking the initiative to [create] closeness, physical touch and a flirty atmosphere,” she said.

Desire can kick in once those with “reactive desire” feel sexually wanted she explained.

There is nothing wrong with feeling this way, Roos added; it’s “common”.

How can I tell if I have “reactive desire”?

Roos gave three signs:

“Rarely spontaneously feeling that ‘I want to have sex right now’” urge,
Feeling desire ramp up “when your partner initiates kisses and physical touch,”
Worrying or feeling confused about your approach to sex, as while “you rarely [feel like initiating] getting intimate, still when you have sex, it’s pleasurable and feels good”.

How can “responsive desire” affect your sex life?

On the plus side, “responsive desire tends to make the sex more focused on the foreplay, the emotional connection and pleasure, not performance,” Roos said.

This is especially true if you’re both aware of your lust types.

But if you don’t communicate about your desires, the sexologist added, “A partner can also misread your lack of initiative as you not being interested or attracted anymore, or that you’re rejecting them”.

Additionally, “you can start doubting yourself and wonder if you actually want sex anymore, which can lead to pressure and stress that becomes a downward spiral”.

Your partner might have a responsive desire type too, in which case, “your sex life is at risk of slowing down”.

How can I have a better sex life with “responsive desire”?

Communication, as ever, is key.

“Explain that you not taking initiative isn’t is because you’re not interested in and attracted to your partner, and to set words on how your lust works, for example, by saying ‘I often get in the mood first when we already have started to get intimate, which makes it difficult for me to be the one who initiates intimacy,’” Roos told us.

Mention what gets you going, whether it’s your partner expressly communicating that they want to have sex with you or engaging in physical touch.

“Don’t forget to [affirm] your partner and show appreciation when they are taking the initiative… that will increase the chance of them keeping doing so!”

What if neither my partner nor I initiate sex, but love when we have it?

It’s “way more common than people might think” for both partners to have a responsive desire type, said Roos.

In fact, it’s sometimes “the reason behind a dead bedroom despite both of you actually being interested in sex.

“I recommend starting with relieving the initiative by deciding that it mustn’t mean ‘I want sex now,’ but instead is a way of saying, ‘I want to open up for intimacy.’”

Deciding to create low-pressure intimacy plans ahead of time or having romantic rituals that naturally build lust can help, too, she added.

“Get a table at a restaurant and go for a romantic dinner, decide on having a massage session at home this weekend, have a routine of showering together one day a week or go to sleep at the same time, and do so naked,” she suggested.

Lastly, she ended, “be curious instead of judging yourselves or each other. See the lust as something that can grow, develop and change with time.

“When two people with responsive desires work together as a team to find the ways that work for you, you can create a safe, playful, passionate and living sex life together!”

Try These Things To Improve Your Relationship In 2026

Posted on 03/01/2026 by Boris Clair

If you want to have a happier and healthier relationship in 2026, you don’t necessarily need a major overhaul of your love life. Just setting a simple, well-defined goal or two can make a big difference over the year’s course – though you’ll probably start seeing benefits much sooner than that.

We asked therapists to reveal the little things couples can do on a regular basis to make their relationship that much better in the coming year.

Put limits on your phone use

Designated screen time isn’t just for kids: Adults can benefit from setting some parameters, too. Indeed, one of the biggest complaints Roseville, California, therapist Kurt Smith hears from his clients is that their partners are constantly on their phones. This year, commit to unplugging for a set period of time each day, whether that’s before breakfast in the morning or an hour before bed at night.

“Make a joint resolution, not just an individual one, to set a time limit on social media and phone use when you’re together,” said Smith, who specialises in counselling men. “Challenge yourselves to make a list of fun, enjoyable alternative things you can do together instead of the isolating behaviour being on our phones brings.”

Designate time each day to connect with your partner

Just as you put doctor’s appointments and work meetings on your calendar, you should be just as intentional when it comes to making time for your partner. You can even use the 45-minute window you normally would have spent watching your Instagram stories to catch up and connect with your significant other IRL.

“Something as simple as trying out a new recipe or playing a board game can foster connectivity, improve communication skills and increase relationship satisfaction,” said Chicago-based therapist Anna Poss.

And sorry, sitting together on the couch binge-ing the latest season of The Crown doesn’t count. To make the most of this time, turn off distractions and tune into each other.

“Mindful time should prioritise bonding behaviours such as eye contact, touch and communication,” said Los Angeles psychologist and sex therapist Shannon Chavez. “Keep the conversation light by focusing on gratitudes, what has sparked joy in your day or things you are looking forward to in the week.”

Commit to doing something spontaneous together once a month

Keeping the spark alive in your relationship takes a bit work, but it's so worth it. — Keeping the spark alive in your relationship takes a bit work, but it’s so worth it.

For long-term couples, it’s all-too-easy to fall into the same ol’ humdrum routine. To counteract the monotony, Smith recommends thinking back to the fun, spontaneous things you did together in the early days of the relationship.

“My wife and I once jumped in the car at 10pm and drove 90 minutes through the snow to Lake Tahoe,” Smith said. “We sat in a diner for a couple of hours and then drove back. Got up the next day and went to work.”

As your responsibilities grow (e.g. parenting, paying bills, moving up at work), it may be harder to pull off last-minute grand adventures. But committing to spicing things up in small ways can still help keep the spark alive. That might mean scoring concert tickets the night of the show or walking by a pottery studio and deciding to pop in for a class.

Make a weekly sex date with your partner

When life gets busy, sex is often one of the first things to fall by the wayside. Scheduling sex may not sound all that sexy, but doing so ensures it will actually happen – even when you have a lot on your plates. Dedicating time for physical connection means reaping benefits like improved intimacy in the relationship, as well reduced anxiety and perhaps a stronger immune system, too.

“Let go of the goals around sex and set the intention of a time where you can give and receive pleasure with your partner,” Chavez said. “Making a regular sex date can take off the pressure around initiation and lower expectations around spontaneous sex.”

Schedule monthly money talks

According to a 2014 Money Magazine survey, 70% of married couples argue about money – making it a more common source of conflict than other fraught topics like household chores or sex. Too often, couples will put off having these conversations for too long or they avoid discussing finances altogether.

“After a couple of months splurging during the holidays, January is always filled with dread as the credit card bills come due,” Smith said. “Make a commitment to once or twice a month sit down for 15 minutes and talk about your financial lives together. Do this proactively rather than reactively and your relationship will definitely be better for it.”

Practice gratitude daily

Gratitude is strongly and consistently linked to greater happiness. And the benefits of a gratitude practice can positively impact everything from your own physical and mental health to your relationships.

“Make a resolution as a couple to express your gratitude more often and in meaningful ways,” Poss said. “Become more aware of the things your partner does to help you and your relationship thrive. Then let your partner know what it means to you and share your gratitude.”

That might mean remembering to say thank you for even the basic things your partner does, like taking the dog for a walk or packing your lunch. Or consider starting a gratitude jar or journal where you two can write down things you’re thankful for each day.

‘Tis The Season To Share The Mental Load – Keeping Christmas Merry, Not Messy

Posted on 13/12/2025 by Boris Clair

Every parent knows that the merriment and magic-making surrounding Christmas requires time, energy, and often more capacity than any of us have.

Upended schedules, school plays, non-uniform days, PTA events, parties, end-of-year work deadlines, gift-giving, cooking, baking, entertaining – the mental load, which is hard enough to juggle at the best of times, gets thrown into a pressure cooker.

And if one of you assumes the other is happy to manage everything, it won’t take long to reach breaking point.

It’s no wonder the first working Monday of the new year is often referred to as “Divorce Day”, when the strain over the holidays gets too much, and old wounds and buried resentments resurface.

For most couples, divorce isn’t on the cards. But the holidays can still churn up emotions we’ve managed to bury for most of the year; resentment and frustration can boil over and explode during this intensified time.

If you find yourself feeling withdrawn, short-tempered, unsupported, unseen and unheard – you’re not alone.

Take a step back and think about this while wearing your professional hat: would you ever host a major event without a detailed plan? Would you ever launch a new product without a communications campaign? And would you ever do the whole thing alone?

Think of your household as a mini organisation, and December is your biggest annual event. You need to come together as a team to make it a success.

So, set a time to sit down with your spouse or partner (and the kids if they’re old enough), and use the following questions as a guide. The end result is (hopefully) a smoother, happier, argument-free holiday season.

How to start sharing the load over Christmas

With a shared calendar, review all necessary events: school plays, worship services, Christmas parties, family gatherings.
In work settings we use the word ‘objective’. For the family, let’s stick to priorities. Take a deep breath, and each share your top two priorities for the holiday. (Use this opportunity wisely! These should be selfish. Maybe you don’t want to do dishes for two hours on Christmas night, or you want several hours on Boxing Day to do shopping, or you want to attend your work party and stay late without guilt.) Name what is truly important to you and respect each other’s wishes. It might help to add WHY these are important: maybe they don’t want to do dishes, not because they are lazy, but because they love the end-of-the-day snuggles with kids by the tree. Maybe shopping on Boxing Day is the alone time needed to get through the remainder of the school holiday. Maybe the work party is a way to get on the boss’s good side going into the new year.
If your kids are old enough, ask them their priorities as well! If the kids are still little, agree on three priorities you know they love.
Look at everyone’s priorities collectively and talk about how to keep those as the focus. Are any of them conflicting? Do you have the resources to make everything happen? If any priorities cannot be met, reset expectations now to prevent disappointment on Christmas morning. What are you going to let go of this year because it’s just too much?
Now it is time to make a mini action plan. Create a to-do list together, including everything that needs to happen to meet everyone’s expectations. Include deadlines, and decide who is taking responsibility for which task. Be careful to divide as evenly as possible (including all the gift lists) – one person should not be taking on 80% of the tasks. It’s good to discuss consequences too: what is going to happen if one of you drops the ball and doesn’t complete their list? What impact will that have on the family?
Finally, set follow-up meetings. Sit down together 1-2 times a week throughout the holidays to check in, troubleshoot, see where you might need additional help, and hold each other accountable.

It’s time to leave resentment in 2025 and let the holidays be the start of something new.

Rachel Childs is a parenting equity expert, founder of Parents That Work and co-host at Equal-ish, the parenting podcast.

A Sexologist’s 7 Rules For Great Sex During And After Menopause

Posted on 30/11/2025 by Boris Clair

Though you might associate menopause with hot flushes, that’s just one of 62 symptoms linked to the phase.

Menopause and perimenopause are also associated with changes to your sex drive and even differences in your vaginal and vulvar tissue.

And seeing as the entire menopausal process can last for decades, it seems unfair to expect people to navigate it without much guidance on their changing bodies and needs.

Which is why we spoke to licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos, about how to establish a healthy sex life during and after menopause.

Here, she shared her seven rules:

1) Accept changes to your lust levels

“During and after the menopause, your lust tends to change. Some people get less interested in sex, while others [develop] a [stronger] desire,” Roos said.

“It’s also common to experience a different or deeper and more emotionally based lust than before.”

As much as possible, the sexologist advised, try not to “panic” about these changes.

“See it as a chance to discover something new, rather than trying to go back to how things used to be… if you can accept that things won’t be the same, you also open up the door for better pleasure than pre-menopause.”

2) Lube is your BFF

Vaginal dryness can increase during menopause thanks to changes in your oestrogen levels. This “tends to make sex uncomfortable, which puts many in a negative loop where they get less interested in sex due to it not feeling as good anymore,” Roos stated.

“Therefore, take the help of lube, ideally a silicone-based option of good quality, and make sure to use a lot – this will be a saviour!”

3) Take more time to warm up

Some research suggests that menopause may mean some people take longer to “get going” in the bedroom, as hormonal changes lead to different levels of sensitivity.

“This means that you should invest more time in foreplay, and switch up how you do it,” advised Roos.

“Try a sensual massage, kiss and cuddle longer, focus more on slow touches that build up in intensity, and don’t be afraid to take the help of sex toys such as vibrators, which can help blood to flow [more easily] to the vagina.”

4) Rediscover masturbation

Partnered sex is only one side of the equation here. Roos said menopause is a great opportunity to work out how to offer your own body what it needs, too.

“Discover new ways of turning yourself on, for example, by reading sex novels or watching new types of porn… invest in sex toys, especially vibrators, use lots of lube, and build up the pleasure [over] a longer time,” she stated.

“Also, be open to adapting and changing the way you masturbate based on how things feel and what works, and don’t give up if it takes some time to find solo sex that feels as amazing as before… You will get there eventually.”

5) Communicate with your partner

If you have a partner, they may benefit from learning about any changing needs, too, Roos said.

“Try to have a good, honest and respectful communication around intimacy. Boundaries and needs get even more important when the body changes, so make sure to open up [about] what feels good, what doesn’t work as it used to, and what you’re curious about trying.

“Invite and help your partner to help you have good sex, and don’t keep it to yourself, as that often leads to stress and anxiety, which is a real killer for [your] sex drive. It’s the two of you in this!”

6) Try pelvic floor exercises

“I really recommend strengthening the pelvic floor as that helps manage many menopause symptoms, especially symptoms related to sex… it leads to higher sensitivity, more pleasurable intimacy, and a better ability to orgasm,” said Roos.

A 2022 paper found that Kegels and lube both improved sexual function in menopausal women, with Kegels potentially being the more effective of the two.

7) Stay playful

It sounds obvious, but Roos said that remembering sex is meant to be fun is key to a better connection with your body – whether you’re pre-, post-, or mid-menopause.

“Switch the mindset of sex being something you need to perform, to it instead being a moment of emotional and physical intimacy, playfulness and… pleasure.

“The less pressure, the easier it is to find your own lust and sexiness during and after menopause,” she ended.

Boundaries Are Fueling A New Wave of Queer Liberation

Posted on 29/11/2025 by Boris Clair

“I feel the most empowered when I say no,” says Venus Cuffs, an alternative lifestyle expert based in New York City. Cuffs, who once worked as a dominatrix, is part of a lineage of Black femmes who have used their positions to reclaim power — a strategy we’ll unspool post haste.

Mistress Velvet, the late Black femme domme who famously made her white clients read bell hooks, understood the same thing: the queer art of sabotage isn’t about tearing things down. It’s about survival in the form of refusal, boundary and redirection.

“Me saying ‘no’ has been met with like, ‘How dare you?’ My refusal to participate is offensive to people,” Cuffs says, recalling the backlash she faced for refusing race play in predominantly white kink communities. Her words point to a familiar script: the demand that Black femmes be endlessly available, compliant or grateful. Her refusal interrupts that script.

For Cuffs, refusal is the point. Rejecting race play meant rejecting the broader cultural script insisting Black women perform whatever role is demanded of them. “Race is nothing to play about,” she says. That refusal was sabotage. But walking away from the scene allowed Cuffs to stay aligned with her integrity.

Cuffs’ “no” became the foundation for something new. Leaving the scene didn’t just protect her; it opened the door to a creative and personal realignment that became political resistance.

“I broke off from the main scene and started my own dungeon,” she recalls. “I decided I don’t need to deal with this, and neither does my community.”

She founded Spread, a 4,000-square-foot Brooklyn dungeon where queer BDSM practitioners could host sessions and hold power dynamics safely. Spread quickly gained traction. The choice to open it was a declaration as much as a business move: fuck you to exclusionary spaces, fuck yes to something better.

“Refusal means refusing to follow the path we have been told to walk when our instincts tell us otherwise,” Madison Young, a filmmaker and sex educator in the Bay Area, tells me. Queer refusal, they say, looks like “refusing to be someone more palatable in an effort to not cause a disruption. Refusing to be risk-averse.”

Where Cuffs and Velvet confront the racialised demands placed on Black femmes, Young’s dissent takes another form. As a white queer filmmaker, their refusals reject industry scripts demanding palatability and compliance. For Young, refusal has meant creating films and performances that defy neat labels — queer family-making, kink, submission — all centred on authenticity. “I think this is the inherent nature of queerness,” they say. “To exist outside of the lines and boxes drawn for us and to instead follow the path our heart, gut, soul are guiding us toward.”

If refusal is saying “no,” sabotage is building “yes.” Queer sabotage refuses harmful systems not simply for resistance, but to open space for something authentically queer and joyful to emerge.

Young does this through filmmaking. On their sets, they hire predominantly women, nonbinary, and trans crew. “It shifts the dynamic on set when it is a room full of women and queers,” they say. “I can choose whose stories I’m elevating, who I’m collaborating with.” These choices build queer community and disrupt industry norms.

For Madison Young, refusal has meant creating films and performances that defy neat labels — queer family-making, kink, submission — all centered on authenticity.

For Tracy Quan, a former escort and author of Diary of a Manhattan Call Girl, sabotage operates more subtly. “I viewed my novels more as a kind of entryism,” she says. Quan smuggles radical ideas into mainstream publishing by infiltrating oppressive spaces from within.

She points to Nancy Mitford, the British novelist who wove antifascist politics into frothy social comedies. “She was a serious antifascist who made the British government pay attention to her fascist sister,” Quan says. “She wrote witty novels that looked fluffy but carried sharp politics.” For Quan, writing sexy books that secrete away radical ideas felt like inserting feminist critique into commercial publishing.

If refusal protects integrity, sabotage extends it. Refusal shuts the door on the status quo. Sabotage opens a new one and creates conditions for a new yes, a yes rooted in creativity rather than compliance.

While Cuffs and Velvet resist the racialized demands placed on Black femmes, Young’s yes shows up in the work itself. “My heart tells me to make a feature film or a TV series or start a queer art gallery, and I just can’t do anything else,” they say. “The calling is strong and defies all logic.”

Early in Young’s career, the call sounded like chaos. “Any time I would even attempt to plug into the matrix, I would sabotage the situation. I just couldn’t do it,” Young explains. What looked like self-destruction was queer self-preservation: an inability to do “normal” — not for money, not for fame.

For Quan, sabotage also meant restraint. For decades, she withheld certain details of her personal life as a deliberate constraint. Instead of confession, she leaned into omission. That discipline, she explains, sharpened her craft. “When you have limits, when you have this denial kind of situation, it can really force you to be more creative,” she told me. What others see as a restriction, she frames as power.

Creating our own boundaries is one of the ways we carve out space for queer joy in a world determined to tell us which boundaries we are allowed to have. “When we state a boundary and work with refusal, we are making room for what we want more of,” Young says.

A no to the wrong collaborator opens a yes to the right one. Setting limits is a prophylactic. “We can protect our collective joy, our queer joy, our relationships, and our connections by being clear about our expectations and needs,” Young says.

Quan echoes that sentiment, describing constraints as creative pleasure rather than deprivation. “To me, creativity is a kind of power, like that’s the kind of power that I enjoy,” she says. For her, withholding shapes a more authentic vision.

Cuffs locates joy in boundaries even more explicitly — in reclaiming time, body, and power. Saying no, walking away from money, setting terms that feel good — each is a reclamation. “I don’t have to show up for anyone when I can’t show up for myself,” she says.

In a political moment defined by rampant transphobia, book bans targeting queer literature, legislative attacks on bodily autonomy, and the ongoing criminalization of sex work, boundaries and refusals are not just private choices. They are collective, political strategies. Our joy is political.

Mistress Velvet knew this when she turned her domme sessions into lesson plans, insisting white submissives grapple with Black feminist thought to earn her attention. Cuffs, Young and Quan know it when they walk away from exploitation, infiltrate hostile industries, or reshape the spaces they inhabit. Sabotage isn’t nihilism. It’s survival. It’s creativity. It’s care.

Cuffs leaves us with a reminder: “Do what feels right for you. Don’t be influenced by the amount of money, the amount of power, what other people tell you it should look like. Slavery is over.”

Why You Sometimes Feel Sad After Sex, Even When It’s Good Sex

Posted on 22/11/2025 by Boris Clair

When he was in his early 20s, Los Angeles-based writer Brandon G. Alexander often felt an inexplicable sadness after sex, even when it was “good” sex with people he liked.

“The best way to describe the feeling is empty or sometimes shame, depending on my relationship and intention with the person,” the 30-year-old founder of the men’s lifestyle site New Age Gents told HuffPost.

“Our culture teaches men how to be physically connected to someone, but we ignore the truth that sex is highly emotional and spiritual. The idea that a man wouldn’t feel something before, during or after sex is unrealistic, but most have become so conditioned to think otherwise.”

What Alexander experienced years ago is what researchers call “post-coital dysphoria.” PCD, as they refer to it, is a condition marked by feelings of agitation, melancholy, anxiety or sadness after intercourse, even when it’s good, consensual sex. The condition can last between five minutes and two hours.

It’s also called “post-coital tristesse,” which literally means “sadness” in French. In the 17th century, philosopher Baruch Spinoza summed it up this way: Once the “enjoyment of sensual pleasure is past, the greatest sadness follows.”

Many studies have examined the first three phases of the human sexual response cycle (excitement, plateau, orgasm), but the resolution phase has often been overlooked.

That’s starting to change, though. In a 2015 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, almost half of the women surveyed reported experiencing PCD at some point in their lives, and around 5 percent said they’d felt it regularly within the past month.

A new study from the same researchers published in June suggests that PCD is almost just as prevalent in men: In an online survey of 1,208 male participants, around 40 percent of men said they’d experienced PCD in their lifetime, and 4 percent said it was a regular occurrence.

In excerpts from the survey, men admit to feeling a “strong sense of self-loathing” about themselves post-sex and “a lot of shame.” Others say they’d experienced “crying fits and full on depressive episodes” after sex that sometimes left their significant others worried.

“Men who may suffer from PCD think that they are the only person in the world with this experience, but they should recognize that there’s a diversity of experiences in the resolution phase of sex.”

– Robert Schweitzer, a psychology professor at Queensland University of Technology in Australia.

Despite the number of men who reported experiencing PCD, it’s challenging for researchers to study it because most men are reluctant to talk about it, said Robert Schweitzer, the lead author on both studies and a psychology professor at Queensland University of Technology in Australia.

“Men who may suffer from PCD think that they are the only person in the world with this experience, but they should recognise that there’s a diversity of experiences in the resolution phase of sex,” he told HuffPost.

“As with many diagnoses, it provides some relief to be able to name the phenomenon.” (Schweitzer is still collecting accounts of people with PCD for his ongoing research.)

As to why it’s so common in both men and women, a study of twins suggested that genetics may play some sort of role. PCD is also often linked with sexual abuse, trauma and sexual dysfunction, but that’s certainly not always the case; in this latest study, the majority of the men who reported PCD hadn’t experienced those issues and were in otherwise healthy, satisfying relationships.

More often than not, Schweitzer thinks PCD is a culmination of both physical and psychological factors. Physically, orgasms activate a flood of endorphins and other feel-good hormones, but the neurochemical prolactin follows, resulting in a sometimes intense comedown. Psychologically, the paper establishes a correlation between the frequency of PCD and “high psychological distress” in other aspects of a person’s life.

Sometimes, the psychological factors are compounded by the knowledge that no emotional connection exists with a sexual partner, said Kimberly Resnick Anderson, a Los Angeles-based sex therapist unaffiliated with the study.

“Some of my clients, especially males with sex addictions, report post-coital dysphoria because deep down, they know there is no bond between them and the person they are sleeping with,” she told HuffPost.

Other times, patients worry that their partners just weren’t that into the sex.

“If you believe your partner was just ‘taking one for the team’ and not genuinely interested in sex, it can lead to a sense of shame and guilt,” Resnick Anderson added.

What’s important to remember, she said, is that sex can mean different things at different stages of your life. And as these recent studies show, nuanced, complicated post-coital feelings are completely natural.

“We need to have more conversations about men and intimacy. The more we tell guys it’s OK to feel ― or protect your heart by waiting to sleep with someone sometimes ― the more we’ll change the old ideas around men and sex.”

– Brandon G. Alexander, lifestyle writer

There may be ways to curtail the negative feelings, too: For starters, stick around rather than high-tailing it out the door after a hookup session – or if you’re in a relationship, cuddle instead of heading to the living room to watch Netflix.

A 2012 study on the resolution phase of sex showed that couples who engage in pillow talk, kissing and cuddling after intercourse report greater sexual and relationship satisfaction.

And be honest about your emotions after sex, without assigning blame to yourself or your partner. As the growing research shows, men and women feel a full spectrum of emotions after sex, and that’s perfectly normal.

That’s something that Alexander, the writer who experienced PCD often in his 20s, had to learn on his own as he approached his 30s.

“As a guy, you shouldn’t numb out or try to deal with PCD in silence,” he said. “We need to have more conversations about men and intimacy. The more we tell guys it’s OK to feel – or protect your heart by waiting to sleep with someone sometimes – the more we’ll change the old ideas around men and sex.”

I’m Mortified By My Dad’s New Relationship. I’m Afraid To Tell Him The Truth.

Posted on 05/10/2025 by Boris Clair

Family Beef is our family advice column at HuffPost Family. Have a beef you want us to weigh in on? Submit it here.

Dear Family Beef,

My Dad’s (58) new girlfriend (28) is only two years older than me (F26). I want him to be happy but I can’t get over how creepy it is that she was in elementary school the same time I was, that she was still in diapers when he was changing mine. It’s just weird. He has had other girlfriends since divorcing my mom, but they were all in their 40s and 50s and felt more age appropriate. So I’ve never had a bad reaction like this.

He keeps asking me and my boyfriend to go to dinner with them and making comments about how we’ll “get along so well” and I keep finding excuses to avoid it. I find the whole thing embarrassing and don’t want other people in my life to see and judge him as a creepy old cradle robber..

Is this something I should talk to him about or ignore until it hopefully goes away?

— I Don’t Want A Sister Step Mom

Dear Sister Step,

Oh, you’re absolutely allowed to be weirded out. Validating the weird-out here. That’s not to say that their relationship itself is weird, though.

This is one of those situations where what you feel matters, but not nearly as much as what the two adults in a relationship feel about each other. But your ambivalence isn’t uncommon or necessarily irrational either. Two things can be true!

These days, so-called “age-gap” relationships get a lot of flak because, as you allude to in your letter, there’s a lot of judgment floating around. There are situations where the older partner may have more obvious power or sway over the younger partner (emotionally, financially, etc.), and the cartoonish stereotypes of older individuals perpetually chasing youth or younger people looking for a “sugar parent” to spoil them. These dynamics can happen and can be frustrating to watch from the sidelines — but, ultimately, it’s up to those two adults to decide what kind of relationship they want to be in and how they are with one another.

“An adult child has come to understand power dynamics and is used to a level of separation with their parents’ generation,” sexologist and couples clinician Dr. Lexx Brown-James, told HuffPost. “So having a parent dating someone of similar age can feel discomforting because we make the connection that a parent could be dating one of our friends or someone that we could even date.”

To me, it’s not a bad idea to take a little space while you figure out why you feel the way you do. Talk with some trusted neutral parties (friends! your partner! a therapist!) before engaging with your dad and this partner. You might need to purge the “WTF” feelings in a safe, non-toxic way. And that gives you a better chance at responding to the situation you’re actually in rather than just reacting to the scariest stories you’ve been telling yourself about the situation.

“Not meeting a parent partner first off is absolutely a worthwhile strategy and there are a few considerations,” Brown-James notes. “In the ’Ber months of the year, is this person coming to family functions especially? Also, is your parent being safe? There can be questions around health, technology, and other factors that some times elder generations are less savvy with, how much do you as the child want to be involved? Also, know that choosing not to meet the partner, may create some resentment or hurt in your parental relationship. That can cause grief for both of you.”

Avoiding the conversation entirely, though? That won’t be beneficial to any of these relationships. Sure, you may “luck out” and this relationship could go just a few weeks or months before fizzling out – but the T. rex method of “stand still until the scary, uncomfortable or awkward thing is gone” really isn’t ever as effective as we’d want it to be.

But, Brown-James does note that you might want to consider a few things before you initiate a conversation.

“Consider what your parent is looking for in bringing this to you. Are they looking for permission, are they just sharing, are they wanting feedback, are they wanting you to participate in a family structure? Once intentions are set, you can decide your boundaries and share them,” Brown-James said. “In less safe relationships, where maybe there is more expectation on a child to confirm or agree, there might need to be a further distance.”

Elizabeth DeVaughn, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship specialist, also adds that playing through the pain of this discomfort and having the conversation can serve to deepen your parent-adult child relationship in the long run.

“The discomfort she’s feeling could be a beautiful opportunity to connect with her dad authentically. She can name the discomfort she’s feeling while also expressing that she’s working through the details of the discomfort with a therapist or with friends,” DeVaughn said. “This way, she gives herself space to process while staying open to the fact that her dad may be building a great relationship with this new woman.”

I know I would be so morbidly curious enough to want to witness the pair together myself, to really understand if they have something special or if the May-December situation is actually as cartoonish as my nightmares. Some of these dynamics are actually just normal couples who make each other happy. But you won’t know what their situation actually is if you keep them at arm’s length and, if it is as bad as you fear, you can be an informed observer.

Now, if you do decide to power through the discomfort and have dinner with them, here are a few other ways to make that process a little bit easier on you:

Practice some radical acceptance

Ultimately, your dad is an autonomous person as is his 28-year-old GF. Whatever ride they are on together is theirs — and whether or not there’s a lasting love there (or if the age difference gets in the way) is something they need to find out for themselves.

So this is where you have to pull out the “radical acceptance” that therapists are always going on about: You’re not in their relationship, and you can’t make the call on what is “right” for them.

“Radical acceptance means acknowledging reality, rather than resisting the relationship,” Dr. Greg Gomez, Clinical Director at The Oasis Rehab in California “In this situation, it is recognising that the parent has chosen to remain in the relationship regardless of the age gap. This is beyond the child’s control.”

You can, however, have boundaries. You don’t need to want to hang out with him and his partner at this stage in their dating life. You can respectfully side-step the hangs for a bit longer until you get a sense of how lasting this relationship might be.

You can also use some of these tried-and-true strategies for first meetings to make this less of a “Four Seasons” eye-roll situation and more of a “short getting-to-know-you chat with a new person” situation:

Bring a buddy! Having your partner there with you or a trusted friend along as your wing-person could also be a helpful buffer to bring down the temperature of this meeting in your head.
Humanise the new girlfriend. Even if you don’t want to talk about your discomfort just yet, you can ask your dad to tell you more about this partner as a human being. What are her hobbies? What did they do on their first date? These little details can help humanise his new partner and help you connect. This keeps her from becoming a boogeyman in your head.
Build-in a hard out. The best part of going anywhere is leaving. Make a plan with a clear end time so you do not feel like you’re trapped. (I love a “let’s get lunch at 1, but we have to leave by 3.”) It sets expectations and offers you a little bit of a light at the end of the social interaction tunnel.

Try to be ‘happy for their happy’

A term that comes up a lot in non-monogamous and poly circles that might be helpful for you? Compersion. This means that you’re able to be happy for the happiness that you can feel over someone else’s happiness. (The Buddhist term “mudita,” or a sympathetic joy, is similar as well).

It’s a really lovely idea that can benefit all of your relationships when you put it into practice: You don’t need to love or cheer on every decision your loved one makes, but you can look to see if they are happy in this relationship — and try to access the part of you that is genuinely thrilled for that happiness.

“Radical acceptance can be hard,” Brown-James said. “Here is where compersion comes into play. Can you be happy for your parent’s happy? Isn’t that what really matters most?”

You said it yourself: You want your dad to be happy — and this relationship, even if you don’t understand it, might just be something that makes him feel that way.

Advice From Our Readers

Some of our Platinum HuffPosters offered up their own advice on this question. Here’s what they had to say:

“Let Dad have his fling.”

“I would say let the Dad have his fling.The longer she ignores him the more attractive the younger woman will seem to him. Maybe she should meet her & try to see what it is that he sees in her. It can’t hurt to try [and] it would make her Dad happy. Life is too short for this kind of drama.”

—Sue McCarthy

“Give Dad grace.”

“Did Dad ask for your opinion on his dating life? You want him to be happy, but you want him to make you happy, as well? Grow up. You’re not a child any longer and Dad’s a grown man. It’s not his job to make you happy, he doesn’t need to run his life according to your comfort level. Your entire complaint is about you, not Dad. You’re worried about being embarrassed for whom? Yourself? Dad doesn’t seem to be worried. Stop whining and judging and give Dad grace. If he’s happy, the problem is you, not him. Don’t run away and pout, have an honest conversation with Dad, share your feelings with love and compassion, keeping in mind that you do not have the right to define happiness for another person even if that person raised you and loves you. This lady may or may not be a temporary relationship for Dad, but the damage you’re doing to your own relationship with him may not be easily healed. The biggest question for you: is your selfishness really worth the price you might pay?

— Respectfully submitted for your consideration by Lynne M, a 74 year old woman with wisdom that’s come at a price.

“Speak with him.”

“As long as your dad dates this person, the issue will not go away. You should definitely speak with him. Hearing from you on how uncomfortable dinner would make you is respectful and necessary.”

— MADDEN

7 Sneaky Signs Of Resentment In Relationships

Posted on 20/09/2025 by Boris Clair

Over the course of a relationship, you’ll likely encounter complex and difficult emotions, from jealousy to grief to shame. All sorts of feelings can test a couple’s bond, but one of the more stealth yet destructive emotions is resentment.

“Resentment in a relationship can be toxic and harmful if left unaddressed,” Damona Hoffman, host of The Dates & Mates Podcast, told HuffPost. “It often builds up over time when one or both partners feel hurt, ignored or misunderstood.”

Often in relationships, there’s resentment around unequal division of labor or feeling unappreciated.

“It can begin to occur due to imbalances in your relationship, such as one partner carrying more of the mental load, whether it’s pressure to manage parenting, financial or domestic responsibilities,” said Samantha Burns, a couples therapist and relationship coach.

Resentment can manifest in subtle ways that aren’t always super apparent to your partner – or even to yourself. HuffPost asked Hoffman, Burns and other experts to share some of the sneaky signs of resentment in relationships.

Changes in communication

“Pay attention to shifts in communication and in how you express yourselves and react to one another,” said Tracy Ross, a licensed clinical social worker specialising in couples and family therapy. “Is there more sarcasm, more edginess or a negative tone?”

Take a look at what might be happening beneath the surface if you detect changes in the tone, frequency or style of your communication with your partner.

“Signs of resentment can be insidious and small verbal and nonverbal behaviours, such eye-rolling, sighing, criticising, a general lack of respect or value for your partner’s opinions or actions, and invalidation that overtime builds up and overtakes many of your interactions,” Burns said.

Passive-aggressive comments, subtle digs, scoffing and belittling what the other person says can all point to resentment. There could be a sense of moodiness or short closed-end statements that cut off actual conversation as well.

Keeping score

“Partners harbouring resentment may start keeping track of each other’s mistakes or past wrongdoings, using them as ammunition in future conflicts,” Hoffman said.

Sometimes this score-keeping is unspoken, while in other situations it might be more explicitly expressed.

“Someone might be bringing up past grievances frequently, focusing on tit-for-tat,” said Mabel Yiu, a marriage and family therapist and founding director of Women’s Therapy Institute.

There might also be a sense of tracking who is contributing more to keeping things running smoothly or working harder.

“You might feel as if you constantly have to sacrifice your own wants and needs,” said April Henry, a licensed marriage and family therapy associate at Millennial Life Counseling. “You lack empathy for them or their excuses.”

Avoiding spending time together

“It’s healthy for couples to have their own interests and friends they see separately, but if one or both partners seem to be finding excuses to avoid another or get out of spending solo time together, that’s a big red flag,” Hoffman said.

Ask yourself if you’re feeling withdrawn or emotionally disconnected from your partner. Maybe you aren’t interacting as much as you used to.

“Are you avoiding certain conversations or spending time together? Are you making excuses for being less available?” Ross said.

Criticism and blame

“According to Dr. John Gottman, criticism is one of the biggest signs of trouble in a relationship,” Hoffman explained.

Indeed, his “four horsemen” of a relationship apocalypse are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

“Are you feeling more critical of your partner’s family, close friends, work situation – and do you find yourself judging, complaining or nitpicking – or vice versa?” Ross asked. “Do you find yourself feeling superior – ‘what is wrong with him/her? I would never do something like that.’ Do you feel contemptuous instead of mildly annoyed when your partner is late, or doesn’t clean up, or any number of small things?”

Take note if the way you deal with conflict and differences has shifted to a more critical approach.

“Another sign of resentment is blaming – making the other person the scapegoat for their unhappiness,” Yiu said.

Complaining behind their back

In addition to frequently nitpicking or complaining to your partner about things they do, a sign of resentment might involve how you talk about your partner to other people.

“Do you find yourself complaining behind your partner’s back, assuming the worst instead of the best of a particular miscommunication or conflict?” Ross said.

A little venting to your friends here and there is fine, but pay attention if it starts to feel excessive. Are you only talking about your partner as though they’re a terrible person?

“Oftentimes when someone is resentful in a relationship, they may have less empathy for their partner,” said Rachel Needle, a licensed psychologist and co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes.

Resentment has a tendency to bubble to the surface in one way or another.

Emotional outbursts or coldness

“Resentment is clever in the way it masks itself as anger,” Henry said. “You may think you’re upset with your partner for not unloading the dishwasher, but soon realize the gradual build-up of unmet expectations has actually turned to resentment. Resentment may have crept its way into your relationship if you find yourself in a continuous loop of feeling increasingly irritable around them.”

Resentment can manifest in emotional outbursts or cold behaviour as those pent-up feelings are released. Resist the urge to boil these deeper issues down to pure anger or sadness.

“You may find an increase of conflict about small things that always seem to come back to a larger past issue, feelings of disgust and disdain and feelings of overwhelm and high stress,” said Alysha Jeney, a relationship therapist and founder of Modern Love Counselling.

“Oftentimes resentment is a reaction of being overly stressed – being in the fight, flight or freeze part of our nervous system – for an extended period of time and not knowing how to come back to the parasympathetic nervous system of rest and digest. We feel exhausted, stressed and need help, but sometimes don’t know how to get it.”

This can make us more easily angered or annoyed by our partners. We may even villainise them because we don’t feel seen, heard or supported, which could activate inner wounds from our past.

“You might begin to assume that your partner is intentionally trying to anger, annoy or upset you, instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt – which leads to you interacting defensively and perpetuating the negative dynamic,” Burns said.

A change in intimacy

“Resentment can affect physical and emotional intimacy, causing a decline in affection, sex, and emotional connection,” Hoffman said. “I find that couples who get to the point of resentment have actually had a slowing or lack of intimacy for months or even years.”

One or both of you might pull away both emotionally and physically and show less interest in intimacy.

“Ask, are you less interested in sex, affection, being close?” Ross said. “And of course all of this can be true in the reverse as well. Maybe you notice what you’re getting from your partner doesn’t feel quite the same – less tolerance, more distance, less connecting, less prioritising one another.”

Whether you’re experiencing a sense of physical and emotional distance, increased criticism or a temptation to keep score, just remember that resentment does not have to mean the end of a relationship.

“If you detect resentment in your relationship, talk about it as soon as possible,” Needle urged. “As soon as you sense an issue, communicate about it rather than let something fester or an issue go unresolved.”

In addition to fostering healthy communication, she recommended working on forgiveness, gratitude, compassion and finding a middle ground to deal with resentment. If resentment continues to affect your relationship, seek the help of a mental health professional.

A UK Boomer, Gen X, Millenial and Gen Z Man On Sex In 2025

Posted on 03/08/2025 by Boris Clair

Salt–N–Pepa might have famously sung the words ‘Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby’, but let’s face it, talking about our bedroom antics isn’t always comfortable, especially when it comes to sharing the nitty gritty details of what you like, how much you’re having and – scariest of all – your feelings about it.

Fortunately in 2025 conversations around sex have become so much more commonplace thanks to an ever-changing cultural shift that champions emotional openness, but according to new data, men are being left behind.

A survey on over 2,000 UK adults from Lovehoney, the UK’s leading sexual wellness brand, has uncovered the deep emotional disconnects around sex, intimacy and identity that the men of the UK are struggling with.

According to the stats, 40% of men worry about their sexual performance (compared to just 21% of women) and many still avoid honest conversations with their partner.

In fact, 10% of men want to talk more openly about sex with their partner, but don’t – that’s equivalent to over 2.25 million male adults.

And worries about sex is an intergenerational issue when it comes to men – the survey found that 79% of men have worries about sex, increasing to 86% of Gen Z men and 87% of Millennial men.

“It’s a finding that speaks volumes about modern masculinity,” GP and men’s health expert, Dr Anand Patel, who has teamed up with Lovehoney, tells us.

“We’re living through a time when men are under pressure to be everything at once; emotionally open, sexually confident, but still somehow ‘in control’. The result? Performance anxiety, miscommunication, and in some cases, total disconnect.”

So what do the men of the UK actually think about sex in 2025? And as the data has found generational differences when it comes to worries about sex, what are Boomers feeling versus fresh-faced Gen Zers?

Enter Gideon, Kian, Gill and Keith – a Gen Z, a Millenial, a Gen X and a Boomer who’ve shared their lived experiences of sex, dating, and identity in a bid to shatter stereotypes and give voice to real, often-overlooked male perspectives.

Here are their stories.

“It’s magic, not a miracle”: Gideon, 27, Gen Z

From a young age, Gideon Allen knew he was different.

“I just felt this spark within me,” he remembers. “I grew up obsessed with crystals and mermaids. It spoke to something in me.”

Now 27, Gideon is a gay actor and part-time witch living in Liverpool – a man who blends mysticism, kink and a no-BS approach to dating in equal measure.

“People ask me why I don’t magic up a boyfriend,” he laughs. “But it’s magic, not a miracle. You can only do so much.”

Despite his openness around kink and communication, Gideon is single and, frankly, unimpressed.

“People tend to over-promise and under-deliver in bed,” he says. “A lot of men brag about their sexual achievements – if you want to call it that – but when it actually comes down to getting dirty, they’re lacklustre. All bark and no bite.”

As a gay man, Gideon is also tired of being used as someone else’s experiment.

“One of my biggest gripes is straight-identifying men who flirt or make suggestive moves, then brush it off as a joke. It’s not flattering. It’s exhausting,” he says. “I become their secret, a way to explore without being seen. That secrecy isn’t just isolating, it’s emotionally draining.”

Gideon typically waits three days before sleeping with someone. Not because of prudishness, but because he believes intimacy should be intentional.

“In the gay community, there’s often pressure for immediate gratification. But I think a little waiting creates trust. It helps me feel emotionally and physically safe.”

While Gideon doesn’t claim to practice black magic, he admits some spells aren’t exactly squeaky clean.

“I have voodoo dolls in my lair, but I don’t stick pins in them,” he says, mischievously. “Let’s just say…people who cross me tend to have things go wrong. They fall down the stairs, lose a job, hairlines recede. Was it me? Who knows. But I like to think it was.”

Right now, though, the love life is on pause.

“Honestly, it feels like most men don’t know what they’re doing – emotionally, sexually or communicatively. Maybe it’s the ginger in me. We do have a higher pain threshold, after all.”

“People assume I’m a player – but I’m just honest about sex and what I want”: Kian, 29, Millennial

Kian’s not the type to play games. Despite being regularly labelled a player by women who make snap judgements based on his looks and style, he’s upfront about what he wants, both emotionally and sexually.

“I dress well and I get attention,” he says. “But I’m very introverted. I like to keep to myself. I’m not the guy who walks up to women in bars with cheesy lines. I just like a real conversation – if it flows, it flows.”

Right now, Kian’s happily single. He hasn’t been in a relationship for four years, his longest was at 18 and lasted four years and he’s not in any rush to settle down.

Instead, he’s enjoying the freedom of a no-commitment relationship.

“We’re friends first. Sometimes we’re intimate, sometimes we just watch a movie. There’s no pressure,” he explains.

“In regards to body counts I don’t tell anyone by number.

“Men will tell their friends the real number, but not women – because girls do judge. If the number’s too low, they think you’re inexperienced. If it’s too high, they think you’ve been around. Either way, you can’t win.”

When it comes to sex, Kian wants to make every woman feel attractive, no matter what.

“I’ve met women who are confident about their bodies, and others who are body shy and want to keep their top on during sex. I don’t judge. I’ll always tell them they’re attractive – inside and out. I want them to feel good. You are your own person. That’s what matters.”

Kian’s mum is one of his closest confidantes. “She gives the best advice – always honest, never judges me. I tell her everything. She just wants me to be happy and settled. That makes a huge difference.”

His dad passed away five years ago, and among his six siblings, some are in long-term relationships, while others are doing their own thing and in no hurry.

Whether it’s sex, commitment, or trust, Kian believes open communication is the key to everything.

“If a woman’s been hurt in the past, it can take a while for her to trust. But I’d rather we talked about it. That’s how relationships grow, rather than pretending everything’s fine.”

“We’re not monkeys in a zoo”: Gil, 46, Gen X

46-year-old Gil is sexually active, happily single, and refreshingly open about everything from erectile dysfunction to his experiences with sex work. However, the modern LGBTQ+ landscape looks very different from the one he grew up in.

And not all of the changes are positive.

For Gil, one of the biggest issues is how formerly gay-only spaces are now being “monopolised and misappropriated.”

“You get women who act completely normal in a straight bar,” he explains, “but they come to a queer bar, get their boobs out, dance up against you, and tell you: ‘I love gay men because they leave me alone.’

“I came here to be with other gay men, not to take selfies with straight women grinding against me. We’re not monkeys in a zoo.”

The same goes for Pride. Gil is blunt: “If you think Pride is just a party, I’m sorry –you’re not really welcome.

“London Pride is now super overcrowded. Half the people there are straight. I get it – be an ally. But understand why we have Pride. It started as a protest. People fought for our rights. That meaning has been lost.”

Gil is refreshingly candid about getting older and how that affects his sex life.

“I’m less active than I used to be – and that’s okay,” he shrugs. “Sometimes I rely on the little blue pill. Brewer’s droop is real, especially after a few drinks. That’s part of ageing. It doesn’t bother me.”

One topic Gil’s particularly passionate about is HIV education.

“I want people to understand that ‘undetectable’ means untransmittable. If someone is HIV positive but undetectable, they can’t pass it on. I’ve had safe sex with men who are undetectable and been absolutely fine.”

He credits organisations like 56 Dean Street and the Terrence Higgins Trust for their life-changing work: “There’s no excuse for outdated prejudice in 2025.”

Above all, Gil believes openness in relationships is key.

“I’ve always been an open book. And I think when you’re honest about sex, ageing, and insecurities, it helps others feel they can be too.

“There used to be so many taboos, but people are more open now and that’s a good thing. We’ve got to keep the conversations going.”

“You don’t stop having sex at 70 – but you do have to talk about it more”: Keith, 70, Boomer

Boomers aren’t exactly known for their sexual openness – they’re the generation where what happens behind closed doors, stays behind closed doors. But Keith is done with that stereotype.

The 70-year-old part-time actor and retired teacher from Hastings has been married to Heather, 61, for 25 years. He credits their lasting relationship to one thing – open communication, even when it’s uncomfortable.

From erectile dysfunction and dwindling libidos to keeping things spicy in their autumn years, Keith and Heather talk about it all.

“Men don’t talk about sex,” says Keith. “At least not properly. If they do, it’s all pub banter. We’re afraid of appearing vulnerable. You don’t want people to think you’re less than.”

It’s an attitude Keith has tried to challenge in his own marriage. When he noticed their sex life drying up, he didn’t brush it under the carpet – he brought it up.

“At first, the lack of sex caused tension. It became: ‘Not another headache.’ I started to feel rejected. I thought, ‘Just say you don’t fancy me anymore.’”

He soon realised it wasn’t personal. It was biological. Their once-great sex life had been sideswiped by the triple whammy of menopause, hormonal changes, and erectile dysfunction.

“I didn’t go to the doctor, I used to teach biology, so I knew it was the blood pressure meds. And I figured I’d rather be alive than take something that messed with that.

“Sexual intimacy doesn’t have to mean going all the way. There’s still a sense of grief, sure. But there are still things you can do for each other that feel good. You adapt.”

Keith also wants more couples to understand the biology of desire – and how changes in sex drive don’t have to spell disaster.

“So many relationships end because one partner thinks the other’s not interested anymore. But hormones change, especially for women. It’s not rejection – it’s just biology.

“You’ve got to talk. Talk when it’s not right. Talk when it is. If sex stops, it doesn’t mean the love has.”

His final piece of advice to younger generations?

“Talk to each other. Don’t be afraid to talk when things aren’t working – or when they are. Enjoy sex. Communicate. And never feel ashamed of it.”