Waste Styrofoam can now be converted into polymers for electronics

University of Delaware and Argonne National Laboratory have come up with a chemical reaction that can convert Styrofoam into a high-value conducting polymer known as PEDOT:PSS. In a new paper published in JACS Au, the study demonstrates how upgraded plastic waste can be successfully incorporated into functional electronic devices, including silicon-based hybrid solar cells and organic electrochemical transistors.

The research group of corresponding author Laure Kayser, assistant professor in the Department of Materials Science and Engineering in UD’s College of Engineering with a joint appointment in the Department of Chemistry and Biochemistry in the College of Arts and Sciences, regularly works with PEDOT:PSS, a polymer that has both electronic and ionic conductivity, and was interested in finding ways to synthesize this material from plastic waste.

After connecting with Argonne chemist David Kaphan during an event hosted by UD’s research office, the research teams at UD and Argonne began evaluating the hypothesis that PEDOT:PSS could be made by sulfonating polystyrene, a synthetic plastic found in many types of disposable containers and packing materials.

Sulfonation is a common chemical reaction where a hydrogen atom is replaced by sulfonic acid; the process is used to create a variety of products such as dyes, drugs and ion exchange resins. These reactions can either be “hard” (with higher conversion efficiency but that require caustic reagents) or “soft” (a less efficient method but one that uses milder materials).

In this paper, the researchers wanted to find something in the middle: “A reagent that is efficient enough to get really high degrees of functionalization but that doesn’t mess up your polymer chain,” Kayser explained.

The researchers first turned to a method described in a previous study for sulfonating small molecules, one that showed promising results in terms of efficiency and yield, using 1,3-Disulfonic acid imidazolium chloride ([Dsim]Cl). But adding functional groups onto a polymer is more challenging than for a small molecule, the researchers explained, because not only are unwanted byproducts harder to separate, any small errors in the polymer chain can change its overall properties.

To address this challenge, the researchers embarked on many months of trial and error to find the optimal conditions that minimized side reactions, said Kelsey Koutsoukos, a materials science doctoral candidate and second author of this paper.

“We screened different organic solvents, different molar ratios of the sulfonating agent, and evaluated different temperatures and times to see which conditions were the best for achieving high degrees of sulfonation,” he said.

The researchers were able to find reaction conditions that resulted in high polymer sulfonation, minimal defects and high efficiency, all while using a mild sulfonating agent. And because the researchers were able to use polystyrene, specifically waste Styrofoam, as a starting material, their method also represents an efficient way to convert plastic waste into PEDOT:PSS.

Once the researchers had PEDOT:PSS in hand, they were able to compare how their waste-derived polymer performed compared to commercially available PEDOT:PSS.

“In this paper, we looked at two devices — an organic electronic transistor and a solar cell,” said Chun-Yuan Lo, a chemistry doctoral candidate and the paper’s first author. “The performance of both types of conductive polymers was comparable, and shows that our method is a very eco-friendly approach for converting polystyrene waste into high-value electronic materials.”

Specific analyses conducted at UD included X-ray photoelectron spectroscopy (XPS) at the surface analysis facility, film thickness analysis at the UD Nanofabrication Facility, and solar cell evaluation at the Institute of Energy Conversion. Argonne’s advanced spectroscopy equipment, such as carbon NMR, was used for detailed polymer characterization. Additional support was provided by materials science and engineering professor Robert Opila for solar cell analysis and by David C. Martin, the Karl W. and Renate Böer Chaired Professor of Materials Science and Engineering, for the electronic device performance analyses.

One unexpected finding related to the chemistry, the researchers added, is the ability to use stoichiometric ratios during the reaction.

“Typically, for sulfonation of polystyrene, you have to use an excess of really harsh reagents. Here, being able to use a stoichiometric ratio means that we can minimize the amount of waste being generated,” Koutsoukos said.

This finding is something the Kayser group will be looking into further as a way to “fine-tune” the degree of sulfonation. So far, they’ve found that by varying the ratio of starting materials, they can change the degree of sulfonation on the polymer. Along with studying how this degree of sulfonation impacts the electrical properties of PEDOT:PSS, the team is interested in seeing how this fine-tuning capability can be used for other applications, such as fuel cells or water filtration devices, where the degree of sulfonation greatly impacts a material’s properties.

“For the electronic devices community, the key takeaway is that you can make electronic materials from trash, and they perform just as well as what you would purchase commercially,” Kayser said. “For the more traditional polymer scientists, the fact that you can very efficiently and precisely control the degree of sulfonation is going to be of interest to a lot of different communities and applications.”

The researchers also see great potential for how this research can contribute to ongoing global sustainability efforts by providing a new way to convert waste products into value-added materials.

“Many scientists and researchers are working hard on upcycling and recycling efforts, either by chemical or mechanical means, and our study provides another example of how we can address this challenge,” Lo said.

The complete list of co-authors includes Chun-Yuan Lo, Kelsey Koutsoukos, Dan My Nguyen, Yuhang Wu, David Angel Trujillo, Tulaja Shrestha, Ethan Mackey, Vidhika Damani, Robert Opila, David Martin, and Laure Kayser from the University of Delaware and Tabitha Miller, Uddhav Kanbur, and David Kaphan from Argonne National Laboratory.

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Impact of incarceration on youth health

Researcher Samantha Boch has studied the impact of incarceration on child and family health for more than a decade.

Her latest research examines the health records and health care use of youth, individuals under age 21, who likely have been involved or whose families have been involved in the justice system. The challenge was identifying youth who have been impacted by mass incarceration, as most health care systems don’t routinely ask about incarceration. Families may not disclose that information due to stigma, fear of child protective services involvement, or judgment.

“There are few, if any, large community-level studies about the health of youth affected by incarceration, or their family’s incarceration, using medical records,” explains Boch, an assistant professor at the University of Cincinnati College of Nursing. “Despite a lot of youth and families affected by incarceration, gaps remain in understanding its prevalence and consequences. There are numerous reasons for this, some include a lack of provider awareness, lack of curriculum in provider training, lack of funding for this research and lack of routine sensitive screening for exposure.”

Boch and her research team searched the electronic medical records for justice-related keywords such as “prison,” “jail,” “sentenced,” “probation,” “parole,” and others, to determine the impact of incarceration. The researchers used data from Cincinnati Children’s Hospital collected over an 11-year period.

Their study, published in Academic Pediatrics, found that of the more than 1.7 million records reviewed, 38,263 (or 2.2%) of youth seen between January 2009 and December 2020 likely had a parent incarcerated or faced some type of confinement as a juvenile. This small percentage was also responsible for a disproportionate number of physical and mental health diagnoses and health care visits at Cincinnati Children’s. They were compared against a socio demographically matched sample without a justice keyword and the total sample population of youth.

Nearly 63.3% of all behavioral health inpatient admissions, 23.7% of all hospitalization inpatient days and 45.5% of all foster care visits were attributed to the 2.2% of youth who had documented probable personal or family justice system involvement. The findings complement another study led by Boch, published in 2021 using data from Nationwide Children’s Hospital in Columbus, Ohio.

Youth with a justice keyword in their record had 1.5 to 16.2 times the prevalence of various physical and mental health disorder groupings studied compared to matched youth who didn’t have a justice keyword but do have similar socioeconomic backgrounds. They also had 428.2 more physical health diagnoses and 269.2 more mental health diagnoses per 100 youth than the matched youth.

According to the study, youth with a justice keyword made up a large proportion of all of those who were diagnosed with health disorders or conditions at Cincinnati Children’s from 2009-2020. This includes 42.9% of all schizophrenia spectrum and other psychotic disorders, 42.1% of all bipolar and related disorders, 38.3% of all suicide and self-injury disorders, 24.5% of all trauma and stress related disorders, 44.9% of all shaken baby syndrome cases, 13.9% of all infectious diseases, 12.5% of speech language disorders and 12.8% of all youth pregnancies.

Nationally, about 7% of U.S. youth have had a parent incarcerated. Findings at Cincinnati Children’s and Nationwide Children’s Hospital in Columbus grossly underestimate the number of youth affected by incarceration or confinement, says Boch.

“Our data reflects families who disclosed and health providers who documented,” says Boch. “Families who refrain from disclosing or whose information is not documented were not represented which is a key limitation. This study is an attempt to uncover the size of the impact of mass incarceration on youth health in Cincinnati. Our health care systems and correctional systems clearly overlap and impact the lives of children.

“Replication of these findings in other communities would strengthen the growing justification for decarceration efforts and other reforms, especially if we want all U.S. children and families to thrive,” says Boch. “We will continue to have health care disparities and lead the world with poor health outcomes if we continue to lead in incarceration.”

Other co-authors of the study include Joshua Lambert, PhD, University of Cincinnati; Christopher Wilderman, PhD, Duke University; and Judith Dexheimer, PhD; Robert Kahn, MD; and Sarah Beal, PhD, all of the University of Cincinnati and Cincinnati Children’s.

The research study of Cincinnati youth was supported by Boch’s awards, including the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality and Patient Centered Outcomes Research Institute (AHRQ/PCORI) K12 PEDSnet Scholars Learning Health Systems Career Development Program, internal funding from the University of Cincinnati College of Nursing Dean’s New Investigator Award, internal funding from the Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center James M. Anderson Center for Health Systems Excellence, and the NIH/NIMHD Loan Repayment Award for Clinician Scientists from Disadvantaged Backgrounds.

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Shining light on amyloid architecture

Amyloid-beta (A-beta) aggregates are tangles of proteins most notably associated with neurodegenerative diseases like Alzheimer’s. Despite its constant stint in the limelight, however, researchers have been unable to get a good understanding of how A-beta comes together and breaks apart.

“The way A-beta behaves in a variety of environments, including the human brain, is elusive,” said Brian Sun, an electrical systems and engineering alumnus of Washington University in St. Louis who is now an MD/PhD student in the School of Medicine.

“There’s an understanding of growth and decay that isn’t fully fleshed out,” he added.

That’s going to change, thanks to research recently published by Sun with colleagues in Associate Professor Matthew Lew’s lab at the Preston M. Green Department of Electrical and Systems Engineering (ESE) in WashU’s McKelvey School of Engineering. .

In first of its kind work, Sun and colleagues were able to make measurements of amyloid fibril beta-sheet assemblies, the underlying girders of the protein conglomeration, while they were changing. Previous high-resolution microscopy studies have only gotten static shots.

“We wanted to look specifically at dynamics of the underlying structure of A-beta that could be responsible for the changes we’re seeing, not just changes in the overall shape,” Sun said.

Lew uses Lego as an analogy, noting that current imaging technology shows you the full Lego building but not any look at how each individual brick is organized.

“The individual proteins are always changing in response to their environment,” Lew said. “It is like having certain Lego bricks causing other bricks to change their shape. The changing architecture of the proteins and the assembled aggregates together leads to the complexity of neurogenerative disease.”

The Lew lab has developed a new type of imaging tech that allows them to see the orientation and other minute details in nanostructures of biological systems that were previously invisible. Their technique — single-molecule orientation-localization microscopy (SMOLM) — uses the flashes of light from chemical probes to visualize the sheets of peptides underlying Aβ42, one kind of A-beta peptide.

Using SMOLM lets them look at individual orientation of the underlying beta-sheets to see the relationship between their organization and how that relates to the overall structure of the amyloid protein.

Multiple ways to remodel

Aβ42 is constantly changing, and step one is to try to find a method to the madness, a model or pattern of action to predict the protein’s behavior.

Now that the Lew lab can make these measurements, they made some intuitive observations and found some surprises hidden in the amyloid-beta architecture.

As can be expected, stable Aβ42 structures tend to retain stable underlying beta-sheetsgrowing structures have underlying beta-sheets that become more defined and rigid as the growth continues. Decaying structures exhibit increasingly disordered and less rigid beta-sheets. But they also found more than one way that Aβ42 can renovate.

“There are multiple different ways for Aβ42 structures to remain stable, or grow and decay,” Sun said.

The researchers also discovered that Aβ42 can grow and decay in ways that defy expectations. For example, Aβ42 can grow and decay in ways that preserve the underlying structure; sometimes there’s growth where the peptides just pile on, but the underlying beta-sheet orientations don’t change. In other cases, Aβ42 undergoes “stable decay,” where the opposite happens i.e. peptides leave, but beta-sheet structure remains. Finally, Aβ42’s beta-sheets sometimes reorganize and change orientations without immediate accompanying changes to the overall shape. These nano-structural reorganizations can predispose to future large-scale remodeling.

“Because SMOLM can track Aβ42’s underlying organization and not just its shape, we can see different kinds of subtypes of remodeling that aren’t visible to diffraction-limited, non-orientation imaging modalities,” Sun said.

If it all sounds a bit vague, keep in mind this is the first pass at even looking at these constantly shifting nanoscale structures. There were no previous works to compare notes, which makes it all the more notable that Sun crafted this work while juggling COVID-19 lockdown restrictions and his undergrad course load at WashU, which he completed in three years. It paves the way for him and others to start really getting a handle on amyloid architecture.

He’ll likely end up chasing more of these questions during the graduate phase of his MD/PhD training, where he plans to design nanoscale imaging systems and sensors that could reveal hidden mechanisms of difficult-to-treat diseases.

Sun credits WashU ESE department and the Lew lab for the rigorous training that made this study and academic trajectory possible, as well as WashU’s MSTP for supporting his continued research post-graduation. “I’m really glad I went through this journey,” he said.

Research reported in this publication was supported by the National Institute of General Medical Sciences of the National Institutes of Health under Award Number R35GM124858.

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Fish adjust reproduction in response to predators

Some species of fish can evolve their egg-laying habits in response to predators in the area in order to survive, according to new research from The University of Texas at Arlington.

It has long been observed that organisms modify their traits, including reproductive patterns, in response to changes in their environment. This type of evolutionary plasticity has been observed in many types of animals in different habitats and with varying predators.

“We knew that fish who laid their eggs externally often adapted depending on the predators in the area, but we did not know how quickly species could change to these externals pressures,” said biology Professor Matthew Walsh, who recently published a paper on the topic in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B.

For his research, Dr. Walsh and biology lab technician Christopher Roden studied a small type of fish called the killifish that lives on the island of Trinidad in the Caribbean. Ranging in size from about 2 to 6 inches, the killifish are ideal for evolutionary studies because they are highly adaptable to their surroundings. Some types of killifish are even known to be amphibious, able to live on land to avoid predators.

The researchers tested the differences in egg-hatching plasticity among killifish living in sites with and without predators. They then examined the reproductive habits of those two populations by measuring the rates of hatching when eggs were laid submerged in water versus outside water on the surface of moist peat moss. The timing, hatching and offspring growth rates between the two groups of fish were then compared.

“Our study found striking differences in egg-hatching plasticity among killifish living in different habitats,” said Walsh. “This research provides new insights into how aquatic organisms adapt and evolve to changes in their environment. These findings may be particularly important in predicting how species are able to adapt to external pressures, such as those caused by climate change.”

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New snake discovery rewrites history, points to North America’s role in snake evolution

A new species of fossil snake unearthed in Wyoming is rewriting our understanding of snake evolution. The discovery, based on four remarkably well-preserved specimens found curled together in a burrow, reveals a new species named Hibernophis breithaupti. This snake lived in North America 34 million years ago and sheds light on the origin and diversification of boas and pythons.

Hibernophis breithaupti has unique anatomical features, in part because the specimens are articulated — meaning they were found all in one piece with the bones still arranged in the proper order — which is unusual for fossil snakes. Researchers believe it may be an early member of Booidea, a group that includes modern boas and pythons. Modern boas are widespread in the Americas, but their early evolution is not well understood.These new and very complete fossils add important new information, in particular, on the evolution of small, burrowing boas known as rubber boas.

Traditionally, there has been much debate on the evolution of small burrowing boas. Hibernophis breithaupti shows that northern and more central parts of North America might have been a key hub for their development. The discovery of these snakes curled together also hints at the oldest potential evidence for a behavior familiar to us today — hibernation in groups.

“Modern garter snakes are famous for gathering by the thousands to hibernate together in dens and burrows,” says Michael Caldwell, a U of A paleontologist who co-led the research along with his former graduate student Jasmine Croghan, and collaborators from Australia and Brazil. “They do this to conserve heat through the effect created by the ball of hibernating animals. It’s fascinating to see possible evidence of such social behavior or hibernation dating back 34 million years.”

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Review says puberty blocker curb has not led to suicide rise

An independent review said the language used around the issue on social media was dangerous.

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Chemists design novel method for generating sustainable fuel

Chemists have been working to synthesize high-value materials from waste molecules for years. Now, an international collaboration of scientists is exploring ways to use electricity to streamline the process.

In their study, recently published in Nature Catalysis, researchers demonstrated that carbon dioxide, a greenhouse gas, can be converted into a type of liquid fuel called methanol in a highly efficient manner.

This process happened by taking cobalt phthalocyanine (CoPc) molecules and spreading them evenly on carbon nanotubes, graphene-like tubes that have unique electrical properties. On their surface was an electrolyte solution, which, by running an electrical current through it, allowed CoPc molecules to take electrons and use them to turn carbon dioxide into methanol.

Using a special method based on in-situ spectroscopy to visualize the chemical reaction, researchers for the first time saw those molecules convert themselves into either methanol or carbon monoxide, which is not the desired product. They found that which path the reaction takes is decided by the environment where the carbon dioxide molecule reacts.

Tuning this environment by controlling how the CoPc catalyst was distributed on the carbon nanotube surface allowed carbon dioxide to be as much as eight times more likely to produce methanol, a discovery that could increase the efficiency of other catalytic processes and have a widespread impact on other fields, said Robert Baker, co-author of the study and a professor in chemistry and biochemistry at The Ohio State University.

“When you take carbon dioxide and convert it to another product, there are many different molecules you can make,” he said. “Methanol is definitely one of the most desirable because it has such a high energy density and can be used directly as an alternative fuel.”

While transforming waste molecules into useful products isn’t a new phenomenon, until now, researchers have often been unable to watch how the reaction actually takes place, a crucial insight into being able to optimize and improve the process.

“We might empirically optimize how something works, but we don’t really have an understanding of what makes it work, or what makes one catalyst work better than another catalyst,” said Baker, who specializes in surface chemistry, the study of how chemical reactions change when they occur on the face of different objects. “These are very difficult things to answer.”

But with the help of special techniques and computer modeling, the team has come significantly closer to grasping the complex process. In this study, researchers used a new type of vibrational spectroscopy, which allowed them to see how molecules behave on the surface, said Quansong Zhu, the lead author of the study and former Ohio State Presidential Scholar whose challenging measurements were vital to the discovery.

“We could tell by their vibrational signatures that it was the same molecule sitting in two different reaction environments,” said Zhu. “We were able to correlate that one of those reaction environments was responsible for producing methanol, which is valuable liquid fuel.”

According to the study, deeper analysis also found these molecules were directly interacting with supercharged particles called cations that enhanced the process of methanol formation.

More research is needed to learn more about what else these cations enable, but such a finding is key to achieving a more efficient way to create methanol, said Baker.

“We’re seeing systems that are very important and learning things about them that have been wondered about for a long time,” said Baker. “Understanding the unique chemistry that happens at a molecular level is really important to enabling these applications.”

Besides being a low-cost fuel for vehicles like planes, cars and shipping boats, methanol produced from renewable electricity could also be utilized for heating and power generation, and to advance future chemical discoveries.

“There’s a lot of exciting things that can come next based on what we’ve learned here, and some of that we’re already starting to do together,” said Baker. “The work is ongoing.”

Co-authors include Conor L. Rooney and Hailiang Wang from Yale University, Hadar Shema and Elad Gross from Hebrew University, and Christina Zeng and Julien A. Panetier from Binghamton University. This work was supported by the National Science Foundation and the United States-Israel Binational Science Foundation (BSF) International Collaboration.

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So, This Is How Accurate Crime Shows Really Are

Nothing beats a good, cosy crime drama.

Following a detective as they retrace steps, interview suspects and wander into gruesome crime scenes without even a hint of hand sanitiser. All of that while having a cheeky late night cup of tea? Can’t beat it.

That being said, how accurate are these shows in depicting what actually happens during an investigation? We know that it’s not quite as glossy as it is on screen, but are the important details factual?

Well, not so much.

Digital Spy spoke with Sophie Harris, a forensic assistant apprentice who revealed that not only is most of it not factual, but for shows like Luther, even the premise is off.

Idris Elba as Luther
Idris Elba as Luther

BBC Studios

In a lot of crime and detective shows, there is one person fronting the investigation who not only does the paperwork, but gets their hands dirty in the nitty gritty of the crime scenes and is responsible for speaking to witnesses and suspects.

Harris explained that this isn’t quite so straightforward in the real world, saying: “On a lot of crime dramas, they show everything being done by one or two people, but that’s not true. You have a first officer attending the scene who alerts other people about what’s going on.

“After that, when forensics get involved, you’ll have a forensics scene investigator come, you’ll have crime scene coordinators, you’ll have all sorts of different people attending the scene.”

Another very satisfying plot point in many crime scenes is somebody being identified from a single fingerprint.

Usually, you’ll see one tech whizz sits in front of a screen, who scans the fingerprint and boom — we have our criminal.

Harris said: “On NCIS, I remember, they found a fingerprint and just popped it onto the system and then they got a suspect straight from that.

“But, you’ve got to be able to find a certain amount of characteristics on a fingerprint to be able to compare it to a mark, so it’s not that straightforward.”

Reality is, as ever, a little more admin-heavy than fiction.

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My Mum Knew I Was Having Suicidal Thoughts. Here’s How She Gave Me My Life Back.

“Everyone’s depressed,” my mother said when I told her about the sick dread and the lead in my legs that made taking a walk seem unbearable. At 32, I was living in the ice-encrusted city of Buffalo, New York, with its many shades of gray, slogging my way through a gloomy English Ph.D. program. The bed was my world, the only place where I could slip into the fleeting death of sleep.

“No, Mom,” I said. “I don’t think everyone is depressed.”

I’d seen evidence of this at a winter street fair: a man wearing a baby in a front holster close to his heart; the baby in a white snowsuit like a winter starfish; the way the man absentmindedly cradled her and kissed the top of her head; the pure blue water of peace in his eyes.

I knew the man was happy. At that moment, on that day, in that world, it was, for this man, good to be alive.

“They are depressed,” Mom insisted. “They just hide it.”

My mother, a high-strung Irish Bostonian, believed that life troubles should be endured without complaint. She had survived a bitter childhood where her stepfather had visited her room at night, and when she told my grandmother, my grandmother said: “You imagined it.” As an adult, my mother reasoned it was nothing to dwell on.

With me, she was softer. When I was a child and feeling low, she used to pour me some milky tea in a china cup and invite me to tell her my worries. The taste of her love soothed me. But even then, her impulse was to shoo feelings away. Nothing was as bad as it seemed, now was it? When tea time was over, one was meant to get on with one’s life.

“I don’t want to believe that everyone’s depressed,” I said.

“Well, it’s true,” she insisted.

But I shook my head. Hope was an amulet that I gripped to stay alive.

My trouble started in college at the University of Vermont. It came on me like a flu. One minute, I was trudging to classes in the bright snow and conversing easily with friends. The next minute, I was mute in bed in the foetal position. I slept for 20 hours at a time, rising only to ransack my roommate’s store of Cheetos and Ring Dings. My mother was so frightened that she called the dean of my college and demanded that he do something. I was put into counselling.

The sorrow returned as a low-grade haze of numbness in my 20s. My mother and I were sitting in a car watching a sunset over Lake Champlain. I stared at the streaks of pink and gold as if they were trapped behind a pane of glass.

“I think it must be beautiful,” I said. “But I can’t feel it.”

She sipped her tea from a thermos. “You can choose to feel it,” she said.

When I moved to Buffalo, it followed me. During sunless days of trying to write a dissertation in a drafty apartment, a drumbeat of a voice berated me: You are a loser and have always been a loser. You are so fat, you are hideous. You won’t be able to do it. You will be publicly humiliated if you try.

These thoughts were like little scorpions stinging my mind, and I would fantasise about opening up my skull and placing balm on my brain to soothe the pain. With the lows came brittle highs of tight-wire anxiety — an electrical hum — telling me that something catastrophic was on the verge of happening. Thoughts of death were constant. I considered the options carefully, taking bleak comfort in the planning.

But what about my mother?

“You are my life,” she first told me when I was 3 years old, and she repeated it so often that it became knitted into my consciousness. As an only child, I knew it was my duty to stay alive for her. I was to be the emissary of happiness.

“Maybe it’s our family,” I said to my mom at last. “Maybe just everyone in our family is depressed.”

I had thought about this before. Irish melancholy is romanticised, but in my family, it was a banal truth. Drink was the main antidote. Amid hilarious stories, wit and rowdy fun at weddings, there was a thread of sorrow running through us.

Each of us sought a cure: drugs, work, food. But not doctors or prescribed medications. Those were taboo — reserved for those locked up in Mattapan, one of the cruel asylums in Massachusetts that got shut down after an explosive documentary on mental institutions in the 1970s.

“Maybe.” My mother finally conceded the thread of darkness in our family.

Because she knew the roads. She knew the deadened agony of hanging the laundry when the black dog was at the door. In the 1960s, she bought a red Karmann Ghia. She used to drive too fast. What was she leaving behind in the rearview mirror? Was it her stepfather? My parents’ disappointing marriage? Her unrealised dreams of being a writer?

“Your problem is you have no problems,” she said when I was in Buffalo and repelled one of her pep talks. I was in a state of anguish, and I could see that she was afraid.

I stopped going to her for help. I sought out a psychiatrist, medication and meditation in my 40s. I was diagnosed as bipolar. This explained the mysterious bouts of euphoria when I’d buy 14 pairs of shoes online and hide them from my boyfriend in the closet. I suddenly understood sleepless periods when I would write all night and be convinced that I was writing the great American novel, but later found the pages rambling and incoherent.

The medication has helped. I started walking to the Brooklyn Botanical Garden every day in spring to watch the flowers bloom — first purple crocuses, then red and yellow tulips, then pink cherry blossoms, and finally the miracle of lilacs.

I went into recovery for an eating disorder that had plagued me since I was 14. I never spoke of my diagnosis with my mother. I was afraid of her reaction. In the conversation, I imagined, she’d shake her head and say, “Don’t be so dramatic.”

My mental illness is a balancing act that requires constant maintenance. I get good sleep; I walk every day; I reach out to friends; and I’m honest with my doctors. But sometimes I get tired of being vigilant, get out of my routine, and slip back down. It feels so familiar to drape the robes of my depression around me again, and I’ll take to my bed. For years, I kept a store of pills in my drawer — just in case.

One night, over a few glasses of wine, my mother and I relaxed into a state of truth-telling. Once I had stopped treating her as my therapist, our relationship had improved.

“I have one request,” she said slowly.

I had no idea what was coming.

“If you are ever set on doing it — if you have really made your mind up — I’m asking you for one last thing: I want you to call me.”

This was the first time we had spoken of such things in years.

“I know how bad it gets,” she said. “I want you to call me. And if, after we talk, you still want to do it, I won’t try to stop you. It is your life to do with as you choose.”

We sipped our wine.

At that moment, I felt a flood of relief. She was finally acknowledging that what I was going through — what I had always gone through — was real. By making this request, my mother was putting a phone call between me and death.

With those six words — “I want you to call me” — I felt she was giving me my life back. Worrying about what my death would do to her had often stayed my hand, but I had never developed the desire to live for myself.

This conversation changed me, but it could not change the dynamic of my relationship with my mother completely. I was still afraid to tell her about my diagnosis. I mentioned it in passing one day, and it was met with silence.

My mother still believed in the power of will to chase away bad thoughts. She came from a different generation where emotional struggles were to be borne alone. I had watched her bear the abuse of her childhood in silence. I had watched her muscle through her grief when my father left. And when dementia slowly took her mind, I watched her rage, but never cry. Her way was an idea of strength that would never seek help. Her way was not my way. But she broke the silence between us and spoke of the things we must never speak about. And that saved me. As I learned in my recovery, “We are only as sick as our secrets.”

My mother passed away three years ago. I no longer have a promise to keep. But in its place is a new promise to myself. I cling ferociously to life and sound the alarm whenever that resolve weakens. I learned how to sound the alarm on my own. The ability to be ferocious is something I learned from my mother.

Julia Anne Miller is a writer in New York City whose writing has appeared in the New York Times, Salon and Smithsonian. She has performed in such storytelling venues as “Stripped Stories” and “Speak Easy.” Her essay “Sharing a Cab and My Toes” was read by Greta Gerwig for the New York Times Modern Love podcast. She is working on a collection of essays entitled “My Life in Cake.” She can be found at https://julia-anne-miller.com.

Help and support:

  • Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
  • Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI – this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
  • CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
  • The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
  • Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.
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4 Signs You’re Not Compatible With Your Travel Partner

Traveling with another person — be it a friend, relative or romantic partner — has a way of strengthening or straining the relationship. When you have similar travel styles, the trip is generally more likely to go smoothly, bringing you closer together and deepening your bond. When you have differing travel styles, the vacation can become tense and stressful, driving a wedge between you.

So how do you know if your travel styles are aligned or not? We asked travel experts to share some of the telltale signs you might be incompatible in this area and offer advice on what to do about it.

1. One of you is a planner and the other is more spur-of-the-moment.

When one person loves having a well-thought-out plan and the other would prefer to fly by the seat of their pants, you’re bound to hit some turbulence on the trip.

“If you are someone who likes to have a flexible itinerary and be open to spontaneous changes in plans, while your travel companion prefers a more structured and organised approach, it can lead to resentment and conflict,” travel blogger Sean Lau of The Turkey Traveler told HuffPost.

“You may feel restricted and constrained by their need for a rigid schedule, while they may feel stressed and anxious in an environment that lacks clear plans and direction.”

2. One of you is an early riser and the other likes to sleep in.

Having conflicting sleep schedules can create friction when traveling together. The morning person may get up early, eager to get a head start on the day, while the night owl may want to skip morning activities to log some extra sleep.

“For instance, if you want to get up early and walk around the city but your companion is hungover from the night before, that could be a problem and a sign of incompatibility,” travel content creator Jen Ruiz, author of “12 Trips In 12 Months,” told HuffPost.

Similarly, when you and your travel partner have different energy levels, it can make it difficult to find a pace for the trip that suits both people, Lau said.

“If one person may want to do a lot of activities while the other may prefer a more relaxed pace, this can lead to disagreements and arguments,” he added.

“The idea that your romantic partner also needs to be your number one travel buddy is a myth,” says dating coach Damona Hoffman.

Charday Penn via Getty Images

“The idea that your romantic partner also needs to be your number one travel buddy is a myth,” says dating coach Damona Hoffman.

3. One of you is an adventure-seeker and the other prefers a leisurely trip.

Travel content creator Sam Cormier, the woman behind the @samanthas_suitcase Instagram account, said one of the most important factors to consider when choosing a travel companion is what you each enjoy doing on a trip. Some people want to pack their days with lots of action and new experiences, while others may be looking for more leisurely activities, for example.

“Are you an outdoorsy hiker who wants to get out into nature while your travel buddy wants to explore museums? Would you want to shop and sightsee until you drop, while the other person just wants to relax at the spa or by the pool?” she told HuffPost. “This will likely cause tension on what should be a fun vacation because neither of you are doing what you want to do.”

Having different levels of comfort when it comes to physical activity and nature can make it more difficult to find mutually enjoyable activities, Lau said.

4. One of you is a big spender and the other is a saver.

Having different priorities around money can be a major source of conflict when traveling. Issues tend to arise when one person is looking to splurge and have a more luxurious experience and the other person is looking to save a few bucks wherever possible.

“If you want to go to a high-end restaurant and stay in posh hotels while your travel partner wants to microwave something from a local gas station and stay in long-term rentals, one of you is going to be uncomfortable,” Ruiz said.

“Make sure your values around money are similar and that you’re prepared to have a budget and spending range that’s aligned with each other. Otherwise, one person feels stretched and worried about money, and the other can feel restrained in their ability to enjoy the destination how they’d like.”

What To Do When Your Travel Styles Don’t Align

“Planning the trip together so that you both have a say in activities, restaurants and accommodations is key in making sure both sides are heard,” says travel content creator Sam Cormier.

SimonSkafar via Getty Images

“Planning the trip together so that you both have a say in activities, restaurants and accommodations is key in making sure both sides are heard,” says travel content creator Sam Cormier.

Can you still travel together and have a good trip even if your travel styles are less-than-compatible? Cormier says it’s possible with two key ingredients: open communication and a willingness to compromise.

“Planning the trip together so that you both have a say in activities, restaurants and accommodations is key in making sure both sides are heard,” she said. “If you respect the other’s preferences but also set your own boundaries, you should be able to still have a great trip together.”

If you know (or suspect) that you and your travel partner have different vacation styles, Ruiz said her best advice is to book separate accommodations when you can.

“That way, everyone can retreat to their own space at the end of the day to let tensions defuse,” she said. “I have rented an Airbnb where everyone gets a different room, and that works well. Not always feasible for a hotel, but if possible I’d get separate rooms there, too.”

And keep in mind it’s totally OK to travel together but do some stuff on your own, too.

“You can also choose to spend some time apart, each doing separate activities, and come together for a specific meal or activity throughout the day that you both want to do,” Ruiz said.

As Lau said, “A trip together is about enjoying each other’s company and creating everlasting memories, but that doesn’t have to be every single minute of the day.”

“A trip together is about enjoying each other’s company and creating everlasting memories, but that doesn’t have to be every single minute of the day.”

– Sean Lau, blogger at The Turkey Traveler

And, of course, it’s OK to choose to travel with certain people less frequently (and in some circumstances, not at all) based on your differing personalities and preferences.

For example, you might feel pressure to always vacation with your spouse because, well, you’re married. But if your travel styles are incompatible, why not also plan some trips with your sister or your college roommate who may like to do things that are more your speed?

“The idea that your romantic partner also needs to be your number one travel buddy is a myth,” dating coach Damona Hoffman recently told HuffPost. “You probably have other friends with whom you do regular trips or who already like to travel your way. It’s more important to continue to value those friendships and carve out time for those trips than to force your partner to do everything you like to do the way you like to do it.”

No matter who you’re traveling with, clearly voicing your expectations ahead of time “especially around money, time, activities, and accommodations” will “limit surprises on the ground,” said Ruiz. When planning a trip with someone new, it’s a good idea to do a trial day trip with them first before you agree to something longer.

“Can you tolerate three hours in a car with this person before you commit to a cross-country or international flight?” she said. “Is there anything that bothers your partner during travel, like allergies, motion sickness, ear popping issues? This is good information to know because maybe they’ll be irritable or extra sensitive to these things, and that can help explain any shift in mood or behavior.”

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