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It Was Thrilling Being Mistaken For A Straight Guy. Here’s What Changed My Mind.

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It started innocently enough at an Olive Garden in Ohio.

“Would you and your wife like to start with something to drink?” the waitress asked casually.

“I’ll have a club soda and she’ll have a diet coke,” I found myself replying.

I was sitting across the table from my good friend Megan. Of course the server thought we were married. We’re roughly the same age, and we were both wearing wedding bands. Megan is like a beautiful, funny, younger Jessica Lange. Anyone would be thrilled to be married to her. But then again, my husband, Saul, is pretty awesome, too.

Saul and I had recently decided to relocate from New Jersey to Palm Springs. After traveling to California in February for what was supposed to be a two-month visit, we quickly fell for the community of gay men we discovered there after living in a wonderful but mostly straight small town in Jersey.

It took coordinated effort to move two cats, a dog and the two of us 2,600 miles to a new home. After Saul packed up the house and flew the animals west, I volunteered to drive a van with our most cherished possessions across the country with one of my best friends.

My sibling-like bond with Megan was formed through many years of long, gruelling days in television production before both of us got married and changed jobs. We’ve seen much less of each other in the last decade, but we knew we would easily fall back into our familiar friendship groove once we hit the road. But now, our relationship was taking a turn I didn’t expect.

When the waitress returned and placed our unlimited breadsticks on the table, I refrained from complimenting her fabulous multicoloured fake nails.

“I didn’t want her to think I’m some creepy husband flirting in front of his wife,” I explained to Megan a moment later.

“It’s more likely she would have wondered why I was married to a gay man,” she replied dryly.

Our ruse continued through Indiana, Illinois and Missouri. I started calling Megan “honey” in front of others and quickly grabbed the check at the end of each meal. I was determined to be the breadwinner in this fantasy hetero marriage.

I almost blew our cover at a gas station outside of Tulsa, Oklahoma, when a ruggedly handsome cowboy sauntered up to me at the pump.

“Are you looking for diesel?” he asked in a sexy, whiskey-rasped voice.

“It depends. Is your name Diesel?” I almost replied.

The author (right) in the Catskills with his spouse, Saul.

Courtesy of Keith Hoffman

The author (right) in the Catskills with his spouse, Saul.

But it wasn’t all fun. At a Taco Bell in Texas, we stood in line behind two rough-looking, solidly built women who looked like they didn’t bother to get out of their pyjamas anymore. They had wild bedhead and wore dark makeup over their angry eyes.

“I can’t understand a word anybody says in them damn masks!” one of them complained loudly, glaring at Megan and me. We were the only ones wearing the offending objects.

I had gotten used to the threats that come with being different, but I was definitely out of my comfort zone. I shifted a little closer to my faux wife.

When Megan stepped up to the counter and asked about Taco Bell’s gluten-free options, I went into high alert. I was convinced the women would start taunting us, but to my surprise, they left us alone. I’m not sure that would have been the case if Saul were at my side wearing one of his “I Love My Cats” T-shirts. Avoiding wheat was obviously less offensive than being in love with someone of the same gender.

By the time we got to New Mexico and sat in a tiny diner, happily making small talk with other male-female couples, my transformation was complete. I felt like Eddie Murphy in that classic “Saturday Night Live” skit in which he goes undercover to find out how white people really act when no Black people are around.

Was it wrong that I was getting a thrill out of being thought of as “normal” after a lifetime of internalising messages that gay wasn’t as good as straight and being made to feel like my queerness was, at best, a little weird, and often something much, much more terrible?

I still look for a slight reaction from a cashier when I tell them my grocery discount card is under my husband’s name. And I often think back to the day after my sister died, when an old friend called to tell me she was sorry for my heartbreaking loss before cheerfully adding, “Oh, and I want you to know I’m OK with you being gay!”

I’ve celebrated decades of Pride Months being “here and queer,” and I’ve participated in countless marches. I’ve stood up to homophobia at work, with my family, and in constant daily interactions ever since I came out at the age of 18.

Sometimes being proud is exhausting.

But now I realise it’s actually a luxury that I can “pass” as straight. That isn’t the case for everyone, and those people are often in danger everywhere they go. Being at risk starts early. LBGTQ youth are often targeted and bullied in grade and high school when they are at their most vulnerable. In fact, lesbian, gay and bisexual youth are almost five times more likely to have attempted suicide than heterosexual youth. A survey of trans and nonbinary youth conducted by the Trevor Project found that 60% had considered suicide in 2021.

“I realize it’s actually a luxury that I can ‘pass’ as straight. That isn’t the case for everyone, and those people are often in danger everywhere they go.”

What’s more, there are still so many forces at work trying to limit or roll back the rights of queer people ― especially those who identify as trans. State legislatures are continuing to advance bills targeting transgender and nonbinary people, including criminalising health care for transgender youth, barring access to the use of appropriate restrooms, restricting their ability to fully participate in school sports, allowing religiously motivated discrimination and making it more difficult to get ID documents with their correct name and gender.

These sobering facts make me realise how important it is that we don’t stop fighting. Sometimes that fight involves protesting, voting and speaking up and out about our identities. Sometimes fighting means coming out ― to the grocery cashier, the macho mechanic or the stranger sitting next to us on the plane ― because refusing to “pass” as straight and telling people who we are can be a radical act. It can change someone’s mind about who is queer and what it means to be queer, and that can have incredibly profound consequences. And because not everyone lives in a place or has a life where they’ll be safe if they do come out, it feels that much more important for people like me to do it if and when and as often as we can.

Many people have fought for generations for my right to say the words, “This is my husband, Saul,” and the fight continues. As Megan and I settle back into our own married lives with our respective spouses, one of the most powerful things I can still do is stay visible. So as much as I enjoyed my time in hetero land, it’s time to get back to work.

Keith Hoffman is finishing his memoir, “The Summer My Sister Grew Sideburns.” He has written for television shows such as “The Secret World of Alex Mack,” “Sister Sister” and the popular Nickelodeon cartoon “Doug.” He was a producer for the GLAAD Award winning series “30 Days,” and currently serves as executive producer for Animal Planet/Discovery, where he produced 10 seasons of “Finding Bigfoot.” His essays have appeared in HuffPost, New York Daily News and Grub Street Literary Journal. You can read his blog at TheRavenLunatic.com and find him on Instagram at @Keefhoffman and on Twitter at @khravenlunatic.

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Wondering Why Everyone’s Buying Skin Care With Niacinamide? Here’s Your Answer

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If niacinamide were a person, it would already have earned a Nobel Peace Prize. As a skin care ingredient, it can go pretty much everywhere, calm things down right away and get everything working well together. But until they start awarding global honours for skin creams (and really, why not?), mighty niacinamide continues to prove there’s little it can’t do for beleaguered, stressed and irritated skin.

What It Is And How It Helps Skin

Niacinamide is a form of vitamin B3, a water-soluble vitamin that’s a powerful antioxidant everyone needs to support a number of cellular processes. “It’s not produced naturally by the body, so you must use skin care products specifically formulated with niacinamide to experience the ingredient’s benefits,” Tom Allison, senior vice president and global head of professional marketing at CeraVe, told HuffPost.

It appears in products intended to alleviate fine lines and wrinkles, acne, eczema, discolouration, rosacea, large pores, oily skin and sun damage, among other things. If that seems like a tall order for one ingredient to address all those issues, niacinamide is up to the job, experts say.

Erin Greer, executive director of education and training at Alastin Skincare, explained that one of the ingredient’s superpowers is restoring the moisture barrier function of the skin. “As we get older, we can lose the lipid barrier that makes skin radiant and luminous. Niacinamide produces ceramides that help to restore that barrier, reduce dehydration and help skin look better.”

In a sign of our overstressed times, dermatologist Dhaval Bhanusali said, “In general, there’s a trend toward ‘calming’ ingredients. Niacinamide is a popular option since it’s so well-tolerated. It’s truly a star ingredient and one I recommend often.”

Good For Dry Skin, Oily Skin — Pretty Much Good For Skin In General

You knew we couldn’t get this far into a skin care article without talking about free radicals, those pesky molecules with unpaired electrons that can build up and cause oxidative stress, which harms other cells and speeds up aging symptoms like wrinkles. “As a true multitasker, niacinamide neutralizes free radicals and helps to address the slowing of skin aging through repair and rejuvenation,” dermatologist Melissa Kanchanapoomi Levin said. But wait, she said, there’s more: “Because it’s also been shown to regulate oil secretion and cell skin turnover, it’s recommended for both dry, sensitive skin and oily, acne-prone skin types, too.”

It might be hard to find a skin care ingredient that plays so well with others. “Niacinamide tends to complement and work well when layered with several other active ingredients that compose a typical skin care regimen,” said dermatologist Janiene Luke, co-chair of the Skin of Color Society technology and media committee and associate professor and director of the dermatology residency program at Loma Linda University. “It typically can be used in people who also use retinoids, salicylic acid and other chemical exfoliants, as well as hydrating ingredients such as hyaluronic acid.”

How To Get Started And When You’ll See Results

“Most people can tolerate niacinamide, but I’d suggest looking for concentrations that range from 2% to 10%, since higher concentrations sometimes can cause irritation,” Luke said.

“With my patients, I’ve seen them do well with up to 6% niacinamide,” Bhanusali said. “If it’s higher than that, you should spot treat first and make sure you tolerate well before applying all over.”

If you like the results you’re seeing on your face, try using it all over your body, Deanne Mraz Robinson, dermatologist and assistant clinical professor of dermatology at Yale New Haven Hospital, told HuffPost. “Look for it as an ingredient in body lotion, as well. It’s a helpful ingredient for dry, itchy skin.” She did note some caveats: “It shouldn’t be used simultaneously with skin care products that contain vitamin C. When combined with vitamin C, it turns into niacin, which can cause redness and irritation in sensitive skin.”

Once you begin regular applications, you’ll need to be patient. “Niacinamide typically takes eight to 12 weeks to work if you’re using it regularly,” dermatologist Ellen Marmur said. “But in some cases, you will see almost immediate improvement.”

And, as always, use common sense: avoid it if you’re allergic to it, of course. And go slowly. “Some people do get irritated by higher concentrations of niacinamide, so you can get too much of a good thing,” said Michelle Wong, the chemistry Ph.D. behind the Lab Muffin Beauty Science blog.

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8 Very Controversial Esther McVey ‘Common Sense’ Moments

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Esther McVey returned to the cabinet this week, in what was seen as an attempt by Rishi Sunak to reach out to the right-wing of the Tory party.

The MP for Tatton – known for her socially conservative views – has been given the job of ensuring “common sense” prevails across government, according to The Sun.

Richard Holden, the Conservative Party chairman, has praised his “plain-speaking” colleague.

But the new Cabinet Office minister has a long history of controversial statements.

She branded chancellor Jeremy Hunt “socialist” shortly after he had promised to make her deputy prime minister, questioning how “safe” the Covid vaccine was and spent thousands of pounds on a personal photographer.

Ellie Reeves, Labour’s deputy national campaign coordinator, said “common sense is a flower that does not grow in every garden.

“This string of evidence suggests Rishi Sunak might have again appointed someone wildly under-qualified for this job,” she said.

Here are eight eyebrow raising comments from McVey’s time in parliament.

1. Criticised describing the Covid vaccine as ‘safe’

Just last month, McVey attacked the government for having described the Covid vaccine as “safe”.

Speaking in the Commons, the then backbencher railed against “safe and effective” having become the vaccine “catchphrase”.

“It was repeated so many times over that couple of years. It cropped up everywhere: in government communications, in interviews with experts and across a media that was only too happy run with that covid slogan—safe and effective,” she told MPs.

“So ingrained did it become in the national psyche that to ever ask questions about the Covid vaccine became very difficult to do indeed.”

2. Spent £8,000 on a personal photographer

When serving as housing minister, McVey billed the taxpayer at least £8,000 in expenses for a professional photographer.

The spending was revealed as she mounted her campaign for the Tory leadership in 2019, a race ultimately won by Boris Johnson. She finished in last place.

3. Blasted ‘communist’ and ‘idiotic’ lockdowns

McVey also took aim at the government’s decision to impose lockdowns in an effort to fight the pandemic, damning Boris Johnson as “weak”.

Writing in the Daily Express earlier this month, she attacked “panicky civil servants and doomster scientists”.

“They should hang their heads in shame that they didn’t bother with any modelling on the downsides of lockdown on the nation’s children, their health and wellbeing, on mental health and on the economy,” she said.

’Instead, their collective panic, resulted in a communist style control over the public.

’Boris, whose instincts not to lockdown was right, was browbeaten and caved in to the elite establishment mob. Boris was weak and isn’t it ironic that Cummings – who prides himself on being anti-establishment – was the establishment enforcer for these idiotic lockdowns.”

4. Told Tory mayors they were a waste of time

On the eve of the last Tory conference, McVey dismissed regional mayors as “a waste of time and money”.

In her article she targeted Labour mayors Sadiq Khan and Andy Burnham. But there are also Tory mayors. Andy Street, the Conservative mayor of the West Midlands, was unimpressed.

5. Claimed benefit cuts were ‘fake news’

Back in 2018, McVey was work and pensions secretary. In a speech to party conference she said it was “fake news” to claim she was cutting benefits.

“If you were to believe everything you heard from Labour or read on social media you’d think we were somehow letting down the most vulnerable in society – especially disabled people,” she said.

“However, those who say we are cutting budgets are peddling fake news.”

At the time, most working age benefits had been frozen, a real terms cut in what people received.

6. Had to say sorry to MPs

The same year, McVey was forced to apologise in the Commons after claiming the National Audit Office (NAO) had asked for an accelerated rollout of Universal Credit. It had not.

“In fact, the NAO did not say that and I want to apologise,” she confessed to MPs.

7. Took a second job at GB News

In her 2019 Tory leadership campaign launch video, McVey said she wanted to be a public servant and represent the public’s views.

But having come last in the contest, she took on a second job as a presenter at GB News where she earned £58,650 in 2022, at an average of just under £900 per episode.

8. Called the Tory Budget ‘socialist’

In the 2022 Tory leadership campaign, Jeremy Hunt announced McVey would be his deputy prime minister should he win the contest. He lost but ended up as Rishi Sunak’s chancellor.

McVey then slammed his Budget as “Gordon Brown-esque in its devotion to a socialist paradise of tax and spend” and “a bad day for the Conservative Party”.

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24 Behind-The-Scenes Secrets You Probably Didn’t Know About The Crown

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The sixth season of The Crown upon us, drawing to a close one of the most internationally successful British dramas of all time.

Three casts of actors have played Queen Elizabeth II and her family since the show debuted in 2016, covering some of the most significant moments in recent history through the lens of the British monarchy.

As the Emmy-winning show returns to screens for the final time, we’ve looked back at The Crown’s seven year legacy to bring you the behind-the-scenes facts you never knew about the show…

1. It costs a lot to make

In January this year, Forbes reported that season five of The Crown became the most expensive instalment in the history of the show, with production costs reaching $143.3 million (£115.7 million) according to financial statements.

That brought Sony’s Left Bank Pictures (LBP) division, which makes The Crown, to a total of $504 million (£407.1 million) spent on royal drama since it premiered in 2016.

2. Olivia Colman really struggled with one detail when it came to playing The Queen

Queen Elizabeth II was famously stoic. Olivia Colman, on the other hand, is not. That meant she struggled to maintain a stiff upper lip in the more emotional scenes.

“My problem is, I emote,” Olivia told Variety. “The Queen is not meant to do it. She’s got to be a rock for everyone, and [has] been trained not to. We’ve discovered that I can’t do it. But I’ve come up with a little trick. It’s sort of shameful.”

But the team found a way around this so that, whenever Olivia had to react to a sad scene, they would give her an earpiece and play the shipping forecast – a BBC Radio broadcast of the weather and seas around the British Isles.

“I’m sort of not listening to what [the other actors are] saying. I’m trying so hard to tune into the shipping forecast and not cry,” she said.

3. Josh O’Connor and Emma Corrin had very simple tactics to get into character

The two actors portrayed younger versions of Prince Charles and Princess Diana, respectively, in season four of the crown. They revealed some effective strategies to snap into character while on The Graham Norton Show. Josh noted that he would replicate a body language sequence that he claimed the now King still did as of three years ago. He noticed when emerging from a car, Charles would touch both cufflinks of his sleeves, check his pocket square, then wave.

Emma’s trick to get into Diana’s voice was to speak with a certain rhythm where the tone always went down at the end. The specific word to help them get into the character was “alright”.

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4. Claire Foy, Matt Smith and Vanessa Kirby sometimes stayed in the accents on set

They may all have British accents, but speaking in the Queen’s English was a much more challenging task for Claire Foy, Matt Smith (Prince Philip) and Vanessa Kirby (Princess Margaret). To help ensure their voices remained accurate and convincing, the cast sometimes chose to just speak in the dialect on the set, as revealed by Vanessa in an interview with MTV.

5. Actors would watch silent clips of the royals to capture their mannerisms

As part of their preparations to step into their roles, the cast were instructed by supervising dialect coach William Conacher to watch video clips with no volume, in order to focus on their body language. “First thing I say is nobody needs to do an impression and I don’t believe anybody ever has on this show,” he told Reuters.

“It’s more about analysing what the face does, what the mouth does, what the head does, and then letting your voice come through that shape.”

6. Claire Foy was able to get into character with a single word

Claire Foy getting final touches before the scene
Claire Foy getting final touches before the scene

When Claire Foy needed to nail the cut glass English accent of a young Queen Elizabeth II, she would simply utter “one” with her lips turned down, she shared to MTV. It clearly worked, as the actor went on to win two Emmys and Golden Globe for her performance.

7. But she initially feared she’d made a terrible mistake joining the show

It’s no secret that The Crown features a huge variety of filming locations, including the royals’ Balmoral home in the Scottish highlands. It turns out this was a huge undertaking for new mum Claire Foy, who was still breastfeeding during filming.

“On the first day of filming, I found myself halfway up a Scottish mountain with engorged boobs and no way of getting down to feed my baby,” she told British Vogue. “I had to ring my husband and tell him to give her formula… as I sat in a Land Rover trying to get my broken breast pump to work, I felt I’d made the worst mistake of my life.”

The actor said it felt like someone had “stamped on my heart” when she realised she couldn’t properly feed her child. She also shared on the The Graham Norton Show that she felt she was “such a huge idiot” and a “lunatic” for going back to work four months after giving birth.

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