Look, no breakup is easy.
But “Banksying,” a dating trend which Dr Matthew Leahy, psychologist and the Director of Group Programming at Momentous Institute, describes as a kind of “emotional avoidance, spurred on by technology,” can be especially rough.
Speaking to HuffPost UK, Dr Leahy shared that the behaviour can leave people feeling lost and confused.
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Here’s what the term means, how to spot it, and why the psychologist thinks it happens.
What is “Banksying”?
Named after the graffiti artist Banksy, whose artworks often pop up out of nowhere, “Banksying” refers to a breakup that leaves one party completely blindsided.
Though the person who breaks up with the other person may have been planning it for months, they can stay loving, attentive, and kind while planning their exit. For the other person, it seems the relationship was fine one day, but over the next.
Dr Leahy told us, “Dating apps have changed the game… our technological lives have created distance in actual human connection. We condition ourselves to view ourselves as more important than others and look at others as pieces in a game.
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“We learn socialisation and dating etiquette in different ways now, and it’s become very easy to view others in a less empathetic and sincere way.”
This, he said, can lead us to avoid guilt and confrontation.
“Banksying,” the expert added, becomes a “mechanism to circumvent… having difficult conversations. ‘If I remove myself from someone, I don’t have to face their emotions,’ and ‘out of sight, out of mind’ kicks in.
“A big issue with this is that closure doesn’t occur. And that’s what has changed in the last 20 years. When I ghost, ‘Banksy,’ or vanish, the victim… is left to their own devices and thoughts to manage what happened and find meaning, which is often hard.”
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How can I spot “Banksying”?
The point of “Banksying” is that the other person plans their exit without giving you any hints at all, if possible. That can make spotting it difficult.
Still, Dr Leahy said, “Human communication is just as much non-verbal as verbal, and your brain will notice subtle changes in your partner… Maybe they sigh a bit more often when you go in for a hug, or perhaps they’re sitting further away on the couch when you watch a show.”
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A very rushed relationship can be a red flag, too, he added. “Often, a quick buildup means someone may try to exit quickly as well.”
Additionally, “Partners who quickly brush aside conflict or avoid discussions when issues arise may also be quick to leave or might already be wandering.”
Examine what happens when you two have disagreements. “Do they shut down until it goes away, or are they willing to face it and work with you?,” the psychologist asked.
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“Those who avoid conflict might be showing signs that avoidance is how they handle their relationships, which could mean a fast exit and avoidance of those emotions as well.”
How can I handle a breakup that came out of nowhere?
It’s not an easy situation to be left in – your mind can run wild if you’ve been “Banksied” as you scramble to work out what went wrong and why.
As hard as it may be, though, Dr Leahy said, “Don’t allow your mind to create its own stories. It’s always good to reflect on our own experiences, but don’t let your brain assume that you did something wrong.
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“Rely on trusted others, take a breath, and realise that people leave for many reasons.”
The most difficult step, he added, is accepting you may never know what went wrong. He says he spends many sessions working with people to embrace this.
“Brains want clarity with everyone and in every situation, and life doesn’t always work out that way. Learning to sit with uncertainty is a huge skill.”
Lastly, Dr Leahy said it’s important not to let “Banksying” affect your view of dating in the long-term.
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“Don’t allow yourself to shut off from future relationships and vulnerability! Don’t let avoidance take hold of you! Get back out there,” he ended.
