‘Dry Begging’ Is A Form Of Emotional Manipulation That Is All Too Common

Posted on 14/06/2025 by Boris Clair

Have you ever frustratingly mumbled to your partner that it “must be nice to have a partner who walks the dog” in hopes of them walking the dog more often? Or have you ever sighed that you’ll “just do the errands alone” even though you don’t want to? Turns out, you may be dry begging, a tool that people use in relationships of all sorts to get their needs met.

“Dry begging is when someone indirectly asks for something. There’s a need there, but they’re not stating it clearly,” said Aerial Cetnar, a therapist and owner of Boulder Therapy and Wellness in Colorado.

Instead of making a straightforward request or voicing a direct want, someone who is dry begging hints at a need or makes a vague complaint, Cetnar added.

So, instead of stating, “I wish we spent more time together,” someone who is dry begging may say, “Oh, I guess I’ll just stay home with the cat” — they’re hinting at their displeasure instead of addressing it.

“I’ll say it can come from a place of insecurity, fear or manipulation,” said Tori-Lyn Mills, a licensed clinical professional counsellor with Thriveworks in Columbia, MD. But it can also be something that folks grew up with and learned as a way to get their needs met, Mills added.

It’s also not an official psychological term that you’ll find in mental health literature, said Cetnar — “regardless, it’s very much a thing.”

While it can feel easier than directly asking for what you want, dry begging really isn’t meant for the long haul. Here’s why.

Dry begging weaponises emotion.

According to Mills, dry begging can weaponise emotion and empathy while also shifting responsibility in a situation. It can “even weaponise a person’s role as a partner, specifically in romantic relationships,” she said.

For example, in a romantic relationship, if one partner wants to have sex and the other doesn’t, instead of flat-out saying how they feel, someone who is dry begging may say something like “well, most people would be happy that their partner wants to have sex with them all the time [and] is attracted to them all the time,” Mills said.

This can put the other partner in a position where they feel guilty about not wanting to have sex in the moment. It can even put responsibility on them and make them think, “Oh, I should be happy about this,” Mills noted.

“It’s kind of like — I should be giving into this. That’s how dry begging can work,” she said.

If this sounds manipulative, it’s because it often is.

If it becomes a pattern, that’s a red flag for manipulation, Cetnar said. More, if the partner ends up doing things they don’t want to do without ever being clearly asked, it’s another red flag, she said.

“It’s not always manipulative — it certainly can be — but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. First, look at what’s the intention and is it a pattern,” Cetnar said. Once again, if it’s a pattern, that is not OK.

If it’s just an occasional happening, it probably isn’t a big deal, she said.

In some cases (but not all), it can be a narcissistic tendency.

Dry begging is often linked to narcissism, and while both experts said it certainly can be a tool narcissists use to get their needs met, not everyone who occasionally dry begs is a narcissist.

“With narcissism, there is a high level of entitlement. You may get a hint or a prompt, but you could get a lot more covert demands,” said Mills.

In the case of a narcissist and dry begging, they may explicitly try to elicit guilt in their partner when they dry beg or weaponise empathy to get their partner to do what they want, Mills explained.

“Narcissists are typically seen as manipulative. And so there can be an overlap,” Cetnar added. Narcissists are often needy, too, she said, and dry begging is definitively needy behaviour.

“I’m just going to continue to passively say something or ask for something in the hopes that people will just give me what I want,” Cetnar added.

You're setting yourself up for resentment if you don't directly ask for what you want. — You’re setting yourself up for resentment if you don’t directly ask for what you want.

It can lead to resentment.

Someone who engages in dry begging by saying things like, “Oh, it must be nice to have a husband who cooks” or “I guess I’ll just hang up these pictures alone” instead of directly asking for what they want may grow resentful of their partner when they don’t get the hints.

“Because they thinking that they’re asking for something, but they’re not,” said Cetnar.

“They’re not being very clear about it,” she added. Your partner may not understand that you’re asking for help with something or may even choose to ignore your passive statements.

People likely do this because they don’t know how to ask for what they want.

It can be uncomfortable to flat-out tell someone you want them to prioritize time together or need them to help around the house more, which can make dry begging a more comfortable way of dealing with the ask.

People who tend to dry beg may be doing it out of a place of insecurity, said Mills. They may not want to get their feelings hurt if they hear a “no” to their request or may even worry that they’re asking for too much.

For some people, this is, once again, a learned behaviour.

“It’s common that people are not really taught how to ask for things in a way that’s really clear and direct,” said Cetnar. “Sometimes they resort to dry begging because it feels like it’s a hint and they’d rather it be a hint that gets rejected than a clear ask to be rejected,” she noted.

In the end, dry begging comes from a place of needs needing to be met, Cetnar said, and is likely common in those who have trouble expressing their needs and vulnerabilities.

“This could be coming from a certain person who grew up in an environment in which maybe it was a bit uncomfortable to ask for things,” she noted.

Here’s how to deal with dry begging:

The first step to dealing with dry begging, whether it’s you doing it or your partner, is awareness. You can’t fix a behaviour if you don’t know it exists.

If you dry beg your partner, ask yourself how you can start implementing direct communication, said Mills, and consider what needs of yours aren’t being met before you make a passive comment.

If you feel lonely, consider how to ask your partner to spend more time with you instead of hinting at it, Mills noted.

You can even tell your partner you’re working on this so they know to expect more direct communication and direct asks from you, Mills said.

“That way, they can practice and they can have feedback and feel supported in trying to make a positive change,” she said.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is dry begging, start to notice it and acknowledge when someone is making a request by saying something like “Is this a request? It sounds like you are asking for something here,” Cetnar said.

This can open up the conversation and encourage your partner to explicitly state their needs so there is no guesswork or resentment.

If your partner isn’t willing to change and continues to manipulate you, it’s worth considering if the relationship is worth it. But, for someone who does this as a learned behaviour or because of difficulty expressing emotions, there is hope for change.

Is ‘Marital Hatred’ Really Normal? I Asked Experts

Posted on 01/06/2025 by Boris Clair

“What is ‘normal marital hatred’?” podcast host Tim Ferriss asked on his show recently.

Therapist Terry Real, who coined the term, explained: “The essential rhythm of all relationships is harmony, disharmony, and repair… when you’re in that dark phase, you hate your partner.

“That’s OK. It’s part of the deal… don’t sweat it. You can get through it.”

I have to confess, though I’m not married, I’ve never once felt I hated my long-term partner. I felt a little shocked by the term, but maybe I’m missing a trick?

So, I spoke to Dr Carolina Estevez, a clinical psychologist at SOBA New Jersey, and BACP-registered psychotherapist Daren Banarsë, who owns a private practice in London, about whether the term is as wild as I find it.

Hatred is a strong word, but flickers of frustration are normal

“You can love someone deeply and still have moments where you think, ‘Wow, you are driving me absolutely nuts right now,’” Dr Estevez said.

“That doesn’t mean your relationship is falling apart – it usually just means you’re two people who spend a lot of time together and deal with life’s stress side by side.”

Then, she explained: “There is also relationship OCD, where someone gets stuck obsessing over their relationship, like questioning if they love their partner or panicking when things are not perfect.”

It’s very intense and can be “distressing” – you should seek expert help if you suspect you have it.

Banarsë agrees that “momentary, intense frustration or anger towards a partner is surprisingly common and normal in healthy relationships,” adding he often sees couples “catastrophising” these moments.

“The myth of constant marital bliss can create unrealistic expectations, where any conflict is mistaken for evidence that something is fundamentally wrong,” he added.

How can I tell if my “marital hatred” is concerning?

Both experts agree that flat-out, long-lasting “hatred” is a red flag.

“If those negative thoughts start piling up or turning into constant resentment or emotional distance, that is when it is worth paying attention,” Dr Esteves shared.

″‘Marital hatred’ – if we are talking about those occasional flashes of annoyance or ‘I need five minutes away from you’ – can be part of a normal, functioning relationship [but] when those feelings take over or go unspoken for too long, they become a problem.”

For Banarsë, “the concerning threshold isn’t whether negative feelings occur, but rather their pattern, duration, and impact”.

He explains: “When contempt becomes the dominant emotion, criticism outweighs appreciation, or when negative thoughts lead to emotional withdrawal lasting weeks rather than hours, these are legitimate warning signs.”

So, while he wants to dispel the “myth of perpetual harmony” in marriage, he also suggested regular, overwhelming “hatred” for your spouse is not “normal”.

I’m A Sexologist – Here’s Why Sex Is So Much Better (And Wilder) On Holiday

Posted on 28/05/2025 by Boris Clair

With June just around the corner, Brits are about to head into peak holiday season.

And according to data from sexual wellness company LELO, 80% of us think some time away from home would reinvigorate our sex life, while 31% say going abroad makes them more adventurous in the bedroom.

We spoke to licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos, about why going on your hollibobs makes you so much more open-minded.

Part of it is plain ol’ free time

“We simply have more time” and fewer stresses on holiday, Roos says. This leaves us not only more able, schedule-wise, to engage in the horizontal tango, but also more open to be “inspired” (oo-er).

Then, there’s the fact that you’ll likely be in a better, more playful mood.

“We are the best versions of ourselves [on holiday], making it much easier to get passionate [and] wild and put in the energy in the sex that we normally don’t have the time or lust for,” the sexologist tells HuffPost UK.

We also reframe our relationship and our partner as we take in new sights, sounds, food, and even weather, seeing our beau and ourselves in a (sometimes literal) different light.

“We’ve got the sunrise and warmth making us feel better, we eat great food, are travelling and exploring new places,” Roos says.

This “creates a perfect storm that leads to great opportunities for feeling extra passionate, attracted and hornier – making the sex more fun, enjoyable and interesting!”

Can you recreate that at home?

Speaking to Yahoo Life, sex and relationship expert Natalia Baker from All Things Worn shares that you don’t need to wave goodbye to friskiness when you land back home.

Allocating relaxation time, planning spontaneous dates, choosing to carve out quality time together, and openly discussing your fantasies with one another can all help, she says.

“Being transparent about what you both enjoy and want to try can help recreate the excitement and anticipation felt on holiday,” she recommends.

I Found My Perfect Match With The Help Of AI. Here’s What You Should Know.

Posted on 24/05/2025 by Boris Clair

Subject: You have a match!

I wanted to share some exciting news with you – we’ve found a match I think you’ll find intriguing. He’s a disciplined and driven entrepreneur with a wonderful sense of humor. He has many interesting ideas and is an excellent conversationalist. Our AI models suggest this is a great match for you. The next steps are simple…

My eyebrows raised slightly in surprise. They’d found someone.

Like most young women, I have been through my fair share of dating ― lots of fun, but lots of frustration. So three months ago, I’d decided to begin working with a matchmaking service that claimed to leverage AI models to find your perfect match.

The AI model allegedly would be able to digest my questionnaire answers and interpret all my desires in a deeper, more science-based way than any simple dating site ever could. Lisa, my matchmaker, would partner with the model to provide a human touch, using her expert judgment to validate its findings. With an “all your boxes checked” guarantee, the service seemed foolproof.

The process was rigorous and far more in-depth than any dating app I’ve ever used. I worked through the seemingly endless, mostly invasive questions about my life ― what I valued, my relationship with my family, whether I was willing to leave New York. I submitted everything from my philosophies on the afterlife to personality test results, stopping just short of giving them my blood type and mother’s maiden name.

I thought I had answered it all until I reached a line that stopped me in my tracks: “Please upload photos of your ex.” I racked my brain, sifting through all the frogs I’d kissed. Did that one guy I’d met on a whirlwind night in London and then never spoken to again count as an “ex”? The memory of his deep-set eyes convinced me that yes, he totally did.

There was something that felt revolutionary about inputting all my fantasies into Lisa’s “build-a-man” factory. I didn’t have to just wander Fifth Avenue blindly, hoping to bump into whoever was out there. Here, I could “Weird Science” a man: give him Andrew Garfield’s eyes, Chris Evans’ arms and Chace Crawford’s glistening smile. So long as my dream man existed, AI would connect the dots and bring him to me.

Somewhere between listing out dealbreakers and sending in photos of celebrity crushes for AI analytics, I thought to myself, Maybe this is the future.

And if it wasn’t the future, well, maybe it was mine.

“OK guys, just close your eyes and tell everyone where you see yourself in five years,” my friend Lexi gushed to the rest of “the council” — the four of us girlfriends who had been joined at the hip since college. Lex closed her eyes and saw California, gentle coasts touched by the waters she grew up in. So, she packed up her entire life, a full decade spent learning in the heart of New York City, and headed home.

I’ll never forget closing my own eyes against the salt air at the pier. Perhaps I was looking for a place, like she was. But it wasn’t what came to me. I sat in the dark behind my eyelids and was overwhelmed with the bittersweet loneliness that comes from living in a place like New York. It is a place built on comings and goings, on the guaranteed peace in the knowledge that nothing is permanent and the sadness over the same.

When my eyes closed, I did not see a place. I saw a home. A sense of belonging, not with a specific skyline to anchor me, but a person. That sense of homecoming people talk about when they find the person they want to build a world with.

I opened my eyes against the sun.

Dylan had messy hair. It wasn’t the kind that said he’d just rolled out of bed; it was the kind that said he’d spent time in front of the mirror to make it look that way. A little scar over his eyebrow made him look tougher than he really was. His dark brown and sharply intelligent eyes sparkled with wit, enthusiasm and passion.

Two of my previous matches hadn’t materialised, either due to distance or lack of interest, but this one had snagged something in my chest the moment I’d looked at his profile. Our values matched everywhere that mattered, our interests overlapped when they needed to and diverged just enough to give us space to teach each other new things. He seemed, as the digital model had promised, built for me.

Walking up to the quaint little wine bar he’d picked, right in the heart of West Village, I was insanely nervous – something about science and a matchmaker telling you they’d found you “the one” laid the pressure on thicker than Hinge ever did. And in person, he did not disappoint.

I’d thought the foreknowledge would make things easier. We could sweep aside little nothings like, “So, what do you do for a living?” and dive right into each other’s hopes and dreams and fears. But my hands were slick with the immediate worry and thrill of intimacy that I’d never known could exist between two people who hadn’t had so much as a conversation.

I could look into his eyes and know what no one else in this bar knew. I knew he studied film and loved the outdoors; I knew his childhood pet’s name, his low preference for pizza (or gluten in general). I knew what kind of parenting style he planned to use one day and for how many kids.

That little twinkle people have, when they’ve been together for years? The kind that has them communicating secrets across a crowded room? We had it. We knew everything. I spent half the date trying to determine whether I was supposed to go all in or pretend I didn’t know anything about him. But he knew I knew. It was unclear what rulebook we were supposed to be playing by.

Regardless, I remembered: Somewhere, some digital force of omniscience had rubber stamped the date, guided by a human hand. We were supposed to be here, meeting each other. It was green flags all the way down.

It turned out, of course, that there was more to learn. A person is more than a collection of ideas on a profile. Dylan had grown up in New York, the eldest of three kids. He was well spoken in a way that pointed to his privileged background, with the wild spirit (and resources) that meant that he could — and did — try out every single hobby that had ever piqued his interest. Still, he was impossibly down to earth.

Not enough glasses of wine into the date to be tipsy, he looked at me with an arched eyebrow and confessed, “I actually scored really high on my SATs. I know it’s been over a decade, but sometimes, I still try to work it into first date conversations.”

A laugh bubbled out of me. A man coming out on the first date with the exact size of his SAT score was something that, if I didn’t like him already, I might have been put off by. But I did like him, so the dorky flex was endearing. So much about him was, and as the first date jitters wore off little by little, we started to relax into each other.

Date one turned into date two. Which turned into three, and, well, you know the story.

“You’re colour blind? How did you find out?”

“Well, the fluorescent pink pants I brought home from the mall in middle school were hint number one.”

“If you were to be stuck in a time loop and had to pick one person to tell about it, who would it be?”

“My sister. We’ve always been close; she’s incredible. I can just trust her with anything. She’d drop anything to … uh … help me out of a time warp. Honestly, I also think she’s my best shot at getting back to reality.”

He was everything I had asked for, everything I believed a man should be ― kind, smart, funny, thoughtful and protective … all handed to me by an algorithm.

I’d started dreaming already — not of electric sheep, but of digitally borne boyfriends.

On our last date before I left the country to spend a couple weeks in Asia, we went bowling. I am not a great bowler, but I’m never afraid to fail. This one, I wanted to win, because we’d decided to make it interesting. If I won, he’d write me the story of how we met from his point of view. If he won, I simply had to plan our next date.

I got one strike. The love letter was not to be.

But I’d started planning the date the second I’d seen the final numbers. After all, what’s the point of loving if you are afraid to dive in with gifts and plans that say, “I listen, I care, and I want you to feel special.”

He kissed me.

I dreamt about tomorrow.

I got on the plane.

The photo dumps came as we’d planned them — vibrant and fun and full of everything I’d started falling for Dylan over. This was a man who loved life and didn’t say no to new experiences. I responded in kind, with snapshots with friends, family, tasting exotic dishes and walking along the coast. Sets of images sent back and forth that reminded us of who we were and that we were in this.

I’m not sure exactly when the pictures started coming less often. Texts got sparse, fewer snapshots were traded from phone to phone, questions about the aforementioned special date went uncommitted to. The maybe embarrassingly detailed dreams I’d started having about tomorrows with him began to blur.

Things with Dylan died slowly, quietly, without fanfare or the need for hauntings. The modern solution I’d thought was going to revolutionise dating ― AI ― was eclipsed by another modern epidemic: ghosting. In the end, we were left with the substance of most ghost stories: unfinished business. But not the kind that needs to be tended to before each party can move on.

The connection with Dylan was gorgeous and real and temporary, like some things are. I suppose, when it comes to dating, when you’re not so worried about running into a match in a neighbourhood coffee shop or at a mutual friend’s party, it’s easy to just … log off. You don’t bid a website a lengthy farewell when you decide to stop playing; you simply don’t come back.

These days, it seems everywhere you turn, someone claims they have finally cracked the code, uncovered the hidden formula to our heart’s desire. The certainty is so contagious that for a fleeting moment, it feels like you can join them at the edge of some great revelation. But reality is their certainty is something we rent, not own, giving us a falsely fleeting sense of control in a world that remains stubbornly unpredictable.

I wonder, sometimes, if I’m wrong. Maybe my future won’t come to me generated by an all-knowing digital system. Maybe it will come via a chance meeting on the street, in line behind a stranger. Is it sillier to trust an algorithm or a fortune teller who claims they know the secrets of a chaotic universe? Or to trust the chaotic universe itself?

The tall man in front of me, with the lopsided grin, heather gray T-shirt, and worn paperback falling out of his bag, steps to the front of the line to order his coffee. He orders it the way I do.

My phone begs for my attention.

I look away from him and give it what it asks.

There’s an email in my inbox.

You’ve got a match!

We Talked To A Couple Into ‘Hot Husbanding,’ A Kink Where Sharing Is Caring

Posted on 25/04/2025 by Boris Clair

Sharing is caring. Or at least that’s how people who are into “hot husbanding” feel.

The kink got mainstream attention last month, when comedian Nikki Glasser went on “The Goop Podcast” and talked about “sharing” her on-and-off-again boyfriend, Chris Convy, with other women.

Glasser went on to liken her kink to “lending my friend a hairdresser.”

Glasser and Convy’s arrangement isn’t a two-way street; the comedian, who hosted the Golden Globes in January, has said in the past that she’s not looking to have sex with other men, though it “might be [her] thing someday.” If Glasser’s boyfriend was into “sharing” her, they’d be hotwifing. (The kink is also sometimes called “stagging.”)

What, exactly, is hot husbanding? There are myriad ways couples (and single) get their hot husbanding rocks off, so no one definition could encompass it all. But broadly speaking, “it’s putting the focus on a partner’s desire to show off their hot husband,” said Heather McPherson, a marriage and family therapist and sex therapist in Austin, Texas.

“A hot husband is someone that is so attractive and ‘hot’ they function almost like a status symbol for their partner,” McPherson said. “The partner may also take pleasure in sharing him with others as part of the experience.”

For some, it might just be talking about the idea with their partner that’s a turn-on. Others venture out and find other women to have sex with their partners.

“From the male’s point of view, it’s difficult to say, ‘hey, I’ve got a partner, but let’s go out and have a sexual encounter.’ Most women just think I’m out to cheat on my partner.”

– Chase, a 48-year-old “hot husband”

The dynamic exists in the same kinky universe as cuckoldry or cuckqueandom ― where a man (a cuckold) or woman (a cuckquean) takes pleasure in watching their partner have sex with someone else. (Or hearing details of their partner’s sexual intimacy with a third party or established partner.)

There’s consent and boundaries with both kinks, but they differ in one key way: Those into hot husbandry aren’t generally turned on by any humiliation aspect of being “cheated on” the way a cuckquean is, McPherson explained.

Oftentimes, partner swapping is about having subversion in safety, said Jess O’Reilly, a sexologist and host of the “Sex With Dr. Jess” podcast.

“With the support of a caring partner, you get to challenge monogamous norms and break taboos,” she told HuffPost.

Sitting back and watching while your boyfriend or husband does all the work can be kind of hot, too.

“If you’re the voyeur or supportive partner, you don’t have to be the center of participation or attention. You can relish in the erotic without physically articulating,” O’Reilly said.

It varies, but for most women into hot husbanding, they don’t want their partner getting emotionally involved.

That’s true for Glasser, who explained that an emotional connection is off limits for her boyfriend. That said, for her, she does feel some rivalry toward the other women: “I think it’s definitely the competition thing of like, ‘Ooh, maybe he will leave me for her. I gotta step it up.’ I kind of like that,” she said on the podcast.

"With the support of a caring partner, you can challenge monogamous norms and break taboos by engaging in erotic pleasure with a third party," said Jess O’Reilly, a sexologist and host of the "Sex With Dr. Jess" podcast. — “With the support of a caring partner, you can challenge monogamous norms and break taboos by engaging in erotic pleasure with a third party,” said Jess O’Reilly, a sexologist and host of the “Sex With Dr. Jess” podcast.

What it’s like to have ― and be ― a “hot husband”

To delve deeper into hot husbanding, we spoke to Chase, 48, and Scarlit, 43, a couple who’ve been together for 18 months and are exploring their kinky side. (Both asked to use pseudonyms to protect their privacy.)

Their desire to hot husband stemmed from them exploring threesomes together about six months into their relationship.

“I remember the specific moment when I was watching him with her. Don’t get me wrong, I loved being involved, but something about watching her reactions and his sexual fulfillment was mesmerizing,” Scarlit said. “Like he was my own personal porn star and I got to pick the partners.”

Scarlit said she felt intrigued, aroused and powerful in that moment ― and also a sense of compersion. (In the polyamory community, compersion is the pleasure you derive from your partner’s pleasure.)

“While I do sexually satisfy him, he also has the desire to see how he can make other women’s bodies react sexually,” Scarlit explained.

One thing Scarlit is not after is feeling like a cuck. Humiliation isn’t sexy at all to her, and the pair is careful about Chase potentially developing feelings.

“I just love watching the satisfaction he receives and provides,” she said. “I’m not at all interested in him having any relations with the female outside of the bedroom. Getting to know them on a personal level is a big turn-off. Even the thought of a date is very threatening to me.”

But watching another woman have the “the best sex of her life” and give thanks to Scarlit after? She’s definitely into that: “Mentally, it’s more ‘I allowed that, and you are welcome,’” Scarlit said. “It’s the power of my position. That I was able to provide that.”

Chase ― the hot husband ― admits that at first, hearing that his new girlfriend wanted to “share” him felt like a trap: He’d been asked to do something along the lines of cucking in the past, but in both cases, he suspected the women were prone to jealousy so he shied away from it.

“The difference between them and Scarlit is that she actively went out and pursued a third for us,” he told HuffPost. “So as we’ve explored it more, the more excited and aroused Scarlit has gotten. She’s been actively looking for cuckcake.” (That’s the term for the female partner the hot husband has sex with.)

Before hot husbanding, O'Reilly said to "talk more generally about what turns you on and off and be curious and open about concerns, hesitations and questions you may have." — Before hot husbanding, O’Reilly said to “talk more generally about what turns you on and off and be curious and open about concerns, hesitations and questions you may have.”

To find these women, the couple has engaged in dozens ― maybe hundreds — of conversations with people on Reddit, but very few have resulted in actual dates. They opened FetLife accounts (a social network for the kink community) but found that women wanting to be cuckcakes were few and far between.

“We attempted to open an account on Tinder, the app known for hookups, and it turns out they ban you permanently if you try to look for threesomes or cuckcakes,” he said.

And most women on Bumble are looking for relationships with emotional stability and longevity, not strictly sexual relationships, Chase said.

“From the male’s point of view, it’s difficult to say, ‘Hey, I’ve got a partner, but let’s go out and have a sexual encounter,’” he told HuffPost. “Most women just think I’m out to cheat on my partner.”

That said, he does have a date next week with a woman Scarlit gave the green light to months ago, she said, “only because she’s moving out of the country.”

As that statement suggests, there’s some potential for complications here.

“For Scarlit, the fear is from me deciding to move on with one of these trysts,” Chase said. “So she’s asked that I not attempt to independently engage in sexual activities with someone from my past because they have access to me outside of her.”

She’s also free to read his communications with other women if she feels jealousy or if a woman tries to message him behind her back with longer-term goals.

“The thought of the date makes me very jealous, not the sex,” she said. “But it’s also a boundary I’m wanting to push to expand our kink more.”

As Chase explained, “We’re only looking for partners for us ― for me, physically and for her, mentally ― together. ”

Some basic tips on hot husbanding (or otherwise partner swapping)

If you’re hot husband-curious, it’s worth sharing your fantasies with your partner, O’Reilly said. “Talk more generally about what turns you on and off and be curious and open about concerns, hesitations and questions you may have,” she said.

Be realistic about expectations, too, because they may not always be met. (We’re pretty monogamous-centric in this country, and even genuinely hot husbands get turned down. Take it from Chase.)

It’s also important to be mindful of treating third parties with care, O’Reilly said. Their desires, needs and boundaries are just as important as yours.

From personal experience, Scarlit advised people to only explore the kink if they have full trust and open communication with their partner.

“I think there has to be a level of emotional intelligence in both partners, and a lot of understanding,” she said. “The best tip I got was ‘only move as slow as the slowest person in the relationship,’ and so far, that’s worked for us.”

Though new to hot husbanding, she and Chase have already learned a lot about themselves and each other from it, which she credits to all the transparency required for a healthy wife or husband swap. (Talking about how you want to watch your boyfriend go down on someone has a way of opening up all communication floodgates.)

“I’m surprised how it’s seemed to change our dynamic all the way around and make talking about anything feel so easy,” Scarlit said.

Dealing With A Narcissist? You Need To Use This Genius ‘Grey Rock Method’

Posted on 14/04/2025 by Boris Clair

Dealing with a narcissist, or even any kind of antagonistic person, can be challenging to say the least. It’s hard to communicate effectively with someone who actually isn’t committed to conflict resolution.

Enter the “grey rock method.” This strategy offers a helpful way to protect your peace while navigating interactions with difficult people, particularly narcissists.

So what exactly is the grey rock method? Below, experts break it down.

What is the grey rock method?

“The grey rock method is a communication strategy intended to minimise conflict and drama from narcissists and other high-conflict people,” Virginia Gilbert, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told HuffPost. “Think of a simple grey rock that’s so nondescript-looking that it almost fades into the background. It doesn’t engender an emotional response from the viewer. Essentially, you want to ‘be’ that grey rock and communicate in a manner that’s as ‘boring’ as possible ― keeping things brief, sticking to facts and avoiding anything that comes across as emotional so you don’t unwittingly invite drama from your high-conflict person.”

People tend to try this method when they have to interact with someone who stirs up chaos and drama and blames them for things, whether it’s an ex-spouse, an emotionally immature parent or someone else in their life.

“Your responses include statements like ‘Yes,’ ‘No,’ ‘That’s interesting,’ or ‘We’ll see,’” said Chelsey Brooke Cole, a psychotherapist specialising in narcissistic abuse. “You don’t share about your ups and downs, or highs and lows. You don’t talk about your emotions, goals, dreams, hopes or aspirations.”

Basically, don’t give a manipulative person anything they can use against you in the future. Avoid providing “narcissistic supply” ― which is the attention, validation, emotional response, drama or anything that fuels their inflated sense of self and power. The goal is to be dull and unengaging.

“In some ways, it’s similar to how certain animals feign death to avoid being attacked by predators ― the predator loses interest when there’s no chase. Similarly, by presenting as unreactive and emotionally flat, the narcissist often becomes bored and may eventually stop engaging altogether,” said Hannah Alderete, a licensed mental health counsellor and the author of “Break Free From Narcissistic Mothers: A Step-by-Step Workbook for Ending Toxic Behaviour, Setting Boundaries, and Reclaiming Your Life.”

What are the benefits of using this method?

“If you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic person, you know how draining it can be,” said licensed marriage and family therapist Natalie Moore. “Implementing the grey rock method can help you take your personal power back in the relationship. If you’ve tried communicating your needs directly with the person or tried setting firm boundaries to no avail, the gray rock method can be a great last-ditch effort to create distance between yourself and the narcissist.”

When you stop allowing yourself to be used as narcissistic supply, they will likely disengage from you. “Grey rocking” is also a great way to de-escalate conflict and protect yourself in toxic or abusive dynamics.

“It can be especially useful in short-term or unavoidable interactions ― like a phone call, family gathering, or any situation where you sense manipulation or baiting,” Alderete said.

Keeping your responses to them short, factual and limited to the scope of what you need to discuss with a narcissist is also a form of boundary-setting in itself. Going grey rock creates emotional distance and minimises the amount of personal information you give the other person.

“This is important because narcissists use what they know about you to manipulate you more effectively,” Cole said. “For example, if a narcissist knows you’ve been betrayed in previous relationships, they’ll claim you have ‘trust issues’ when you call them out on their inconsistencies. Narcissists also love baiting you into long conversations because this is how they feel powerful and in control. Without grey rocking, you end up engaging, explaining and defending yourself a lot more than you wanted to, which only feeds their ego and feeling of superiority.”

“Grey rocking” is also a great way to de-escalate conflict and protect yourself in toxic or abusive dynamics.

By refusing to take the bait or display an emotional reaction, you limit their ammunition and ability to hit your pain points. Cole compared the narcissist’s new situation to throwing a dart with a blindfold on ― they might hit the bullseye, but their odds are significantly lower.

“The grey rock method is particularly useful in the early stages of separating from an abusive partner or during volatile exchanges. It can also be helpful with toxic coworkers or colleagues,” said Tina Swithin, author of “Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle.”

When you’re facing a conflict with someone at work or engaged in a legal dispute, the grey rock method can allow you to keep your correspondence civil ― which can be useful if it ends up in front of a judge or the HR department. You want to ensure you come across as reasonable.

“The other benefit is that, over time, it will relieve you of the toxic hope that anything you could ever say will give the high-conflict person in your life an epiphany, or get them to see your side of things,” Gilbert said. “Clinging to this hope can make you miserable, which can then lead you to fire off an overly dramatic email in a burst of frustration.”

Even just one angry email from you gives them something to point to as “proof” that you’re the bad guy and they’re the true victim, she added.

“Initially, you might feel that you’re placating the high-conflict person in your life by using the grey rock method,” Gilbert said. “But if using it over time helps you detach from their craziness, feel calmer and focus on people who are good for you, that’s a huge win for you.”

Are there any downsides?

“Grey rocking is not a sustainable long-term strategy, as it can become emotionally and psychically draining to dull yourself down repeatedly,” Alderete said.

She believes this temporary fix is best used sparingly, in time-limited interactions or as a last resort when you need to conserve your energy.

“Individuals who pride themselves in their own self-growth and healing journey may feel as though grey rocking is a Band-Aid solution versus actually addressing a deeper relationship issue,” Moore said. “You may need to consider a more complete plan to handle the narcissist, such as setting boundaries or disengagement.”

She added that implementing this method can also make some folks feel uncomfortable and inauthentic. People pleasers and fawners might experience guilt or anxiety.

“If you’re the type of person who is generally an open book and enjoys sharing themselves with others, it might feel very awkward or unnatural to be so ‘blah.’” Moore said.

Keep in mind that some narcissists might actually escalate their harmful behaviour in response to the loss of attention, validation and control they feel. So you’ll ned to feel prepared to deal with the aftermath and have additional strategies in your arsenal.

“While gray rock is helpful in theory, it can backfire in certain real-world contexts, especially in family court or co-parenting situations,” Swithin noted. “When someone appears cold, detached or robotic in written or verbal communication, it may be misinterpreted by judges, mediators or professionals as combative, uncooperative or emotionally unstable.”

Having seen how judges and other family court professionals view survivors who utilise grey rock, she developed a more adaptable, strategic communication style called “yellow rock.”

“Yellow rock helps individuals remain calm, polite and firm ― while also protecting their credibility in legal and professional settings,” Swithin said, adding that it combines “the emotional boundaries of grey rock” with a more pleasant and thoughtful tone.

If the gray rock method isn't right for a certain situation, you can also try the "yellow rock" approach. — If the gray rock method isn’t right for a certain situation, you can also try the “yellow rock” approach.

The goal is to bring a cordial, cooperative and more emotionally accessible vibe while still keeping engagement and unnecessary information minimal.

“This version allows for a bit more warmth, which can be helpful in contexts like co-parenting or social interactions where others are present,” Alderete said. “For example, instead of flat responses like ‘no’ or ‘oh,’ yellow rocking might sound like ‘no, thank you” or “oh, that’s interesting.’”

Cole similarly recommended pleasant yellow rock responses in co-parenting or work settings, with examples like “Thank you!” “The weather is great today!” “Yes, pickup is at 3 p.m. See you then!” or “I appreciate you getting that done.”

“Because gray rock excludes pleasantries like ‘please’ or ‘thank you,’ narcissists twist your communication and claim you’re being uncommunicative, difficult, rigid or bitter,” she explained. ”And at work or in custody situations, you need to come across as the kind, considerate person you are. Yellow rock allows you to bring you to the conversation, while keeping personal information, emotional reactions or sensitive topics at the door.”

How can you implement the grey rock method effectively?

“To use the grey rock method effectively, keep in mind that the purpose is to protect your emotional energy ― not to punish or retaliate against the narcissist,” Alderete said. “The goal is psychological safety through disengagement.”

She recommended offering short, emotionally neutral responses such as “Yeah,” “OK,” or “Oh,” and avoiding any attempt to explain or defend yourself. Cole similarly suggested vague grey rock replies like, “I hear what you’re saying, let me think about that,” “I’m not able to talk about that right now,” or “That’s interesting.”

These types of responses tend to extinguish a narcissist’s attempts to provoke or manipulate because they aren’t getting the reaction they crave.

“Avoid telling stories, sharing your emotional reactions to things or going into any detail,” Moore said. “Limit eye contact and keep your facial expressions as flat and neutral as possible.”

You can also adapt your gray rock approach based on the context. When composing an email or other correspondence, make sure you’re calm as you write and then as you send it.

“Wait 24 hours and reread the draft before you send it, making sure it’s not inflammatory,” Gilbert said, adding that you might also consider working with a mental health professional if you’re struggling with the method and engaging with this person generally.

Once you decide to implement the grey rock method, expect things to get worse before they get better. Grey rocking shifts the power dynamic in relationships, so the other person might feel thrown off when they’re no longer able to bait, trigger or manipulate you to respond how they want.

“It’s likely that initially, the toxic person will lash out in anger or act contemptuously by calling you names, mocking you or upping the ante,” Cole said. “Or the more vulnerable a narcissist is, the more they respond to grey rock with victimhood rather than anger. They might say something like, ‘Do you not even care about me now?’ ‘What happened to you?’ ‘I can’t believe you’re treating me like this,’ or ‘I thought you had a kind heart.’”

She compared the experience to setting a boundary with a child who hasn’t had any before.

“They push the limits until they see where the edge is,” Cole said. “Stay consistent, and stay boring. Eventually, the narcissist is likely to find a more interesting target.”

In the meantime, try to take deep breaths and remain committed, even if the method feels antithetical to your open, agreeable nature. Remember that grey rocking is reserved for antagonistic people looking to exploit and manipulate, not for those who genuinely want to connect with you. Don’t relent, or they’ll realise they can get the response they want if they push back enough.

“It’s like giving a toddler the toy they wanted after they throw a huge fit ― the next tantrum will be even bigger,” Cole said. “Keep using neutral responses, even if you don’t immediately get the results you want. Keep being consistent, and over time, they will likely lose interest and try to bait someone else instead.”

‘Orgasms Made Me A More Patient, Less Stressed Mum’

Posted on 05/04/2025 by Boris Clair

It was a typical weekday afternoon when Catherine S., a mother of four and part-time office clerk, decided to start taking her pleasure seriously.

“I was stressed, tired … and didn’t feel like making dinner,” she recalled. Glancing over her calendar, she felt even worse.

“It wasn’t that I didn’t love my life, because I did,” she added. “It was just becoming obvious that I needed to do something to feel a little better.”

So she started listening to spicy podcasts during her work commutes. Soon, she felt inspired to put her own erotic pleasure on her to-do list.

“My goal wasn’t to have orgasms, exactly, but I gave myself 15 minutes with my vibrator once a week, which is how I [climax] easiest,” she said.

Catherine nearly skipped her first session due to a headache. But when her phone alert sounded, she raced to her bedroom and went for it. “My headache was better after [my orgasm],” she said, “and so were my moods.”

Now, several months of weekly sessions later, she often anticipates the practice as much as her morning coffee. The most dramatic benefit, she said, came as a surprise: “Orgasms have made me a more patient, less stressed out, and more loving mum.”

Results like Catherine’s aren’t surprising to sexuality experts. While orgasms can’t alleviate all parenting-related challenges, they offer a range of advantages worth embracing.

More pleasure, less stress

Orgasms flood your system with feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin, explained board-certified sexologist and sex coach Lanae St. John.

“Basically, they’re a shortcut from wired and overwhelmed to calm and content,” she said. “If stress has you clenched up like a fist, an orgasm is the unclench … the kind that makes you think, ′Why don’t I do that more often?’”

If you do up the frequency, even better. “When orgasms become a regular part of your routine, they’re not just reactive stress relief – they’re proactive emotional maintenance,” she said.

“Think of it like watering your nervous system. Don’t wait until the plant’s wilted.”

Emotional regulation and patience

It makes sense that erotic releases help Catherine feel more patient with her kids. Beyond stress relief, orgasms can guard against a short emotional fuse.

“Orgasms help regulate the central nervous system, calming you down,” said Nicolle Dirksen, a sex and couples therapist and clinic owner at Clover Counseling. “This can help you respond to parenting challenges with a calmer, cooler head.”

Improved rest from orgasms may help your emotional health, too. A study using Fitbit technology showed that women who orgasmed before bed slept longer than women who didn’t.

Given that sleep loss interferes with the parts of your brain that regulate your moods, more sleep can mean fewer angry, anxious and irritable moods.

Modelling body positivity and self-love

While your little ones obviously won’t be around for your orgasms, they can benefit from any emotional strength they facilitate.

“Kids are sponges, soaking up all of the vibes you give off — even, sometimes, those feelings you hold about yourself,” Dirksen explained.

“Prioritising your own pleasure can help reinforce positive feelings about your body, which means you can model for your children self-love and a positive relationship with your body.”

Catherine feels that her orgasmic play is bolstering her body confidence, and that her kids reap benefits. She especially appreciates that her nonbinary teen, who recently went through appearance-related bullying, will increasingly see “someone who’s unafraid to be in their body … without looking like a model”.

Improved partner connection

If you’re co-parenting with a sexual partner, shared orgasmic forays may deepen your bond, according to Dirksen.

“Regularly orgasming with a partner increases and improves intimacy and connection, two things that [tend] to decline once you become parents,” she said.

“This increased connection can help remind you that you’re teammates, something that can be super important during those tougher days of parenthood.”

Catherine and her husband often feel like “sliding doors,” she said, given their contrasting schedules.

When she told him about her orgasm sessions, they decided to plan occasional pleasure dates. “We may or may not have sex,” she said, “but we make time, even 20 minutes, to connect … where we both get to have pleasure.”

When pleasure feels out of reach

Prioritising your pleasure can be challenging while child-rearing. And your mindset can play a big role.

“Parenting often comes with a lot of guilt … especially about anything we think might be self-serving,” Dirksen explained. “Self-pleasure feels like a luxury, saved only for the perfect circumstances: enough time, privacy, energy … things parents have very little of.”

To turn that around, she suggests a reframe: “Focusing on and prioritising your kids’ needs makes you a great parent. But making time for your own needs and pleasure is also a sign of a great parent.”

And when time runs scarce, incorporate delight into the mundane. “Wear something that makes you feel sexy or listen to music that moves you while you wash the dishes or do the laundry,” she said. “Savour your morning coffee, distraction-free.”

**Giving yourself grace (and pleasure)**

Lastly, don’t stress if sex doesn’t appeal to you like it used to, which is common during baby years and for mums (and any parents) who bear the brunt of caregiving. That may change as your kids gain independence or you gain support. Regardless, there’s no sexual epitome to strive for.

For many parents, it’s challenging to “switch seamlessly between the roles of caregiver and sexual being,” according to Jillian Amodio, a licensed therapist and author. “It’s OK to be exactly where you are, to explore the ‘why’ behind these changes, and, if desired, to take steps toward reconnecting with your sensual self in a way that feels authentic to you.”

What matters most, it seems, is prioritising personal pleasure of some kind, starting with whatever mental shift it takes to get there.

“Stop treating pleasure like it’s dessert, something you get after everything else is done,” said St. John. “It’s a resource…[that] helps you function, connect and recharge. Sometimes it’s three minutes of quiet. Sometimes it’s dancing in the kitchen. Sometimes it is a quick solo sesh before bed, because you know it’ll help you sleep.”

‘My Wife Wants Me To Become A Stay-At-Home Dad. Are My Financial Terms Fair?’

Posted on 22/03/2025 by Boris Clair

In a 2020 YouGov poll, 38% of mothers and 14% of fathers said they thought having kids hurt their careers.

That can take the form of reduced hours, taking fewer opportunities, and leaving the workplace entirely, respondents shared. “All of these factors tend to lead to stagnating or lower pay,” YouGov added.

In a now-deleted Reddit post, a site user asked members of r/AITAH (Am I The A**hole Here) whether that trade-off deserved financial compensation from their spouse.

So, we spoke to divorce lawyer and CEO of OW Lawyers Michelle O’Neil about whether the demands were fair.

A father wants a share of his wife’s property in return for becoming a stay-at-home dad

The post author said his pregnant wife, who makes substantially more money than he does, told him he was expected to become a stay-at-home dad when their first child was born.

The suggestion – which had not been discussed with the father beforehand – left the poster uneasy because he didn’t like how that might play out in the event of a divorce.

When he brought this up to his wife, he suggested she offer him a share of her property as a safety net in return for the career stagnation, lack of pay, and financial insecurity the lifestyle change could expose him to.

She didn’t seem comfortable with the arrangement, leading the poster to wonder whether or not his demands were unfair.

A divorce lawyer said his demand makes sense

O’Neil said that in her decades-long career, she’s seen firsthand “how decisions like this can create significant financial disadvantages for the spouse who steps away from their career”.

“While becoming a stay-at-home parent is a deeply personal decision, it must be made with full awareness of the long-term financial risks,” she continued, “particularly in the event of a divorce.”

Additionally, the divorce lawyer calls the discussion – or lack thereof – around the change a “red flag”.

“When one spouse dictates a major life change rather than engaging in a collaborative discussion, it often signals deeper power imbalances in the relationship which lead to bigger issues,” she told HuffPost UK.

“Decisions about career sacrifices, parenting roles, and financial security should be mutual, not unilateral.”

Explaining that staying home to look after a child can lead to a loss of earning potential, a smaller pension, a lack of asset equality, and financial dependence, O’Neil said the husband’s request for equity in the home is “a smart negotiation move”.

Though not everyone can offer a share of their home to mitigate those risks, the divorce lawyer advised: “Marriage is a partnership, and both spouses’ contributions – financial and otherwise – must be valued and protected.

“If one spouse makes a career sacrifice, the financial risks should be acknowledged and mitigated before the decision is made, not after.”

Does ‘Vabbing’ Actually Make You Irresistible To Men? I Asked A Sexologist

Posted on 18/03/2025 by Boris Clair

Ever heard of vabbing? No?

Well, nor had I until this morning (how I cherish my life before then).

Turns out the phrase refers to a social media phenomenon (it would be inaccurate to call it a trend, as most people seem appalled by it) that involves wiping vaginal secretions on your pulse points. Yes, really.

In a now-deleted TikTok video, a site user said: “I swear if you vab, you will attract people, like a date, a one-night stand. Or you’ll just get free drinks all night.”

“Elle Woods should have been teaching vabbing instead of the bend and snap – it’s more effective,” the TikToker added.

It’s important to stress that the practice, which is a portmanteau of “vagina” and “dabbing”, really hasn’t taken off – it seems to be more of a point of viral outrage than an actual trend.

Still, I thought I’d speak to sexologist, therapist, and author at Passionerad Sofie Roos about whether the original controversial clip had any merit whatsoever.

And?

Kind of, but not really, the expert said.

“A study published in 2020 found that heterosexual men can smell women’s sexual arousal, and one part of that is the vaginal secretions, especially the lubrication that’s produced when [women are] turned on,” the sexologist explained.

So, there might be a real appeal in the scent – but not in the context of “vabbing,” Roos reckons.

“Research published in Science Direct 2006 finds that female pheromones are very dependent on the social context to work, so wearing vaginal secretions as a perfume in any not-so-sexually-loaded situation will most likely have a disgusting effect,” she shared.

“In my opinion… it’s better to use a good-smelling perfume of high quality” if you want to attract a date, Roos continued.

Smelling of, er, secretions is just “unhygienic” in the wrong context.

Pheromones may actually matter, though

Obviously, there’s no need to “vab.” But speaking to TIME, Noam Sobel, a professor in neurobiology and smell expert, said that our partner’s BO might have more of a say in how much we fancy them than we realise.

“The underlying theory is that you somehow select immune compatibility in a mate” through scent, he told the publication.

Still, Gary Beauchamp, president of the Monell Chemical Senses Centre, told TIME that it’s hard to work out how much, say, sweat actually influences our attraction.

“There are so many things going on with humans, in terms of how you select somebody you want to be with or get married to or have children with… isolating the odour part to it has been very, very difficult.”

It’s far safer to bet that doing something like “vabbing” is a turn-off, don’t you think?

‘She Asked Me If I Wanted To Go Half On A Baby’: People Share Their WTF Dating Moments

Posted on 16/03/2025 by Boris Clair

If there is one thing that single people can tell you, it’s that not every first date is magical. Some are actually very far from it.

Take me, for example, I once turned up to a date with somebody I thought I liked a lot, only to be told by him that he hated animals and giving to charitable causes. He also wore a t-shirt saying: “I was sober once, worst hour of my life.” It’s safe to say, we were not a match.

However, after reading through a recent Reddit thread, I’m starting to believe that my bad date was actually, by most measures, pretty good – and I got off lightly.

Posting on /r/AskReddit, i_like_maps asked: “What’s the biggest ‘wtf?!’ moment that you’ve had a on a first date?”, and the responses they received were… interesting to say the least.

One person’s hobbies were a little… too much

User Addicus commented: “We met online, chatted a bit, and decided to meet. Now, this was not a hook up situation. We both were, and clearly stated that we were, looking for a long term situation.

“She was cute, seemed smart and reasonably funny. When we got to talking about hobbies and interests, I told her I liked to read, sail, was into motorcycles and playing music. She mentioned that she ‘enjoyed live music, the theatre and the occasional Saturday night gangbang’.”

Ah. Well. Good for her?

Another person had a bananas approach to snacking

Apprehensive_Flan88 recalled: “Took me back to her place asked me if I wanted a snack brought out two fully rotten black bananas and two spoons cracked hers open and started going to town on the compost banana goo kept looking up at me like expecting me to do the same.”

Bleugh. To each their own.

One single had no time to waste when it came to babies

DatboyTeedy revealed: “First Date with a woman about 7-8 years older than me. Convo was going fine at applebees but then she asked me if wanted to go half on a baby. Then she told me her clock is ticking and she wants a kid with me. Needless to say that was the only date.”

Who doesn’t love a woman who knows what she wants?

A little criminal damage got in the way of this date

Joyofresh had quite the first date journey. They recalled: “Met a girl in a cafe, agreed to [a] drink later that week. Day came she didn’t respond. Whatever.

“Later she reached out to me again saying she lost her phone and we started dating. After a month she told me actually the day we originally agreed to a first date she was in jail for breaking into her ex’s apartment…”

I’ve heard some excuses in my time but that one is new even for me.

A third party slithered into this first date, unnoticed

Korar67 said: “Went out on a date. At the end we started making out. Something felt weird on my ear. I pulled back and saw a snake sticking out of the sleeve of her sweater. It was her pet snake. It had been in there the whole time.”

Sure! Why not!