I’m Almost 30 And I’ve Never Even Had A Crush. I Finally Figured Out Why.

Posted on 18/10/2023 by Boris Clair

I turn 30 in less than two weeks and I’ve only been in one “relationship.”

I was 19 when I met Greg on Grindr. I understand now that the way I felt about Greg is the way I often feel about intimate partners: We enjoyed each other’s company, I found him physically attractive and I could be physically and emotionally intimate with him, but we lacked that “spark” I so often hear about when it comes to romantic partnerships.

I never had even had a crush on Greg; I just enjoyed his company and was excited to finally be in a relationship, this thing that so many people seemed to be after.

We were together for just shy of three months before he broke it off. Right before we split, my dad asked me if I loved Greg. I struggled with the question because it wasn’t something I had even considered. I wavered for a while before I finally said, “maybe … probably” — less because it was how I felt and more because it seemed like the correct answer.

I’ve tried dating a number of times since, but I could never find that warm, gushy feeling, the romance that I’d heard others describe as they pursued new relationships. I enjoyed talking with new suitors and was sometimes attracted to them, but the idea of being in a romantic relationship felt stifling and inauthentic.

Eventually, I realised I was aromantic, which means having little or no romantic attraction to others.

Romance, like gender and sexuality, can be understood as a spectrum. There are folks who fall hard and quickly, easily developing crushes on others, and there are people like me, who simply don’t gravitate to those feelings easily or at all. I am open to the possibility that one day I will have a crush or fall in love, but so far it hasn’t happened.

Not all aromantic people are asexual. I’m surely not. And aromantic people still have love in their lives; they just get it outside of romantic relationships. My life is full of love from my friends, family, even my intimate partners — it’s just not romantic love, that special bond that’s so difficult to put into words (especially as a person who’s never experienced it).

The fact that I have gone the entire decade of my 20s without being in a traditional romantic relationship is often met with a sense of confusion from my peers. This used to feel alienating, but today I know that it isn’t because of some personal fault. The traditional approach to committed relationships just isn’t for everyone.

Since I still crave physical intimacy and sex, I enjoy having partners I can explore those elements of myself with. But our relationships don’t come with many of the same feelings or tethers that a romantic relationship typically would.

I find it challenging to date in a traditional sense. In my mid-20s, after recognising that I was aromantic, I found the term “quasiplatonic relationship.” Quasiplatonic relationships are not romantic but still involve a close connection, often beyond what we may see in a friendship. They may or may not involve sex.

While these might not look like the “traditional” versions, some aromantic people have long-term partners. Some cohabitate and even get married. Seeking out this kind of relationship was a challenge for me, however. Trying to find another person who was a good fit, and who was also looking for a relationship that wasn’t traditionally romantic, started to feel just as restrictive as shooting for a committed romance.

Over time, the idea of seeking out and being with a single monogamous partner also began to feel extremely limiting. Nonmonogamy wasn’t really a conscious choice I made; rather, it eventually clicked that there was no other option for me. As an aromantic person with different relationship needs than most, having multiple partners who could offer me a number of different things felt most conducive to my identity as I was beginning to understand it.

Eventually, I stumbled upon the phrase “relationship anarchy,” which to me means my relationships have a more fluid structure, without hierarchical differentiation between sexual, romantic and platonic relationships.

After a decade of trying to fit inside one specific box society deemed “correct,” I’ve found solace in stepping outside of it and creating my own box, one that works for me.

Today, I have a number of relationships in which I embrace varying levels of intimacy. Some are mostly physical; others feel more like close friendships. We’re invested in each other’s lives, we hang out together ― some on a regular basis, and others simply when we can make it work ― and sometimes we share physical intimacy. I now understand that I operate best by simply letting things flow and figuring out naturally how a person fits into my life.

This year I started a relationship with a man who is in an open marriage. This dynamic feels comfortable for me, in that we can share a connection without there being broader romantic expectations — we aren’t necessarily aiming for anything bigger. We’re focused on the now, whatever we end up cultivating together. We talk intimately about our lives and goals. We do things that friends would do together. Sometimes we have sex, but it’s not an integral part of our relationship either.

I consider myself single, and I prioritise my relationship with myself first and foremost. After the one with myself, some of the most valuable relationships in my life are those I have with my platonic friends. Most of my spare time goes to my best friend, and my relationship with her often feels the most profound and connected.

As a queer nonbinary person who is attracted to folks of all gender identities, I’ve begun to see the idea that we are all meant to have a single romantic partner in our lives as outdated, part of a rigid cisheteronormative system that exists to uphold traditional family structure.

I don’t want children and I’m not sure I ever want to get married, so for me that concept has often felt fraudulent. There’s nothing wrong with preferring traditional monogamous relationships, but humans are complicated, and the idea that all 8 billion of us should treat relationships in this one limited way ignores how expansive our identities can be. It’s selling our species short to insist we all conform to such stringent guidelines, and it ignores history and culture to claim that this has always been the case.

I currently have no desire to date, as I pretty much have everything I need. I am always open to new relationships, but I don’t have guidelines for what they “need to” offer me. It’s simply up to me and that other person to decide what works best for us.

As I write this essay, I am preparing to fly to my home state of Colorado to celebrate the weddings of two longtime friends. I love to see those I hold close find what they need and affirm it. I think romantic love is beautiful, and I’d love to experience it for myself one day. I also accept that maybe it just isn’t in the cards for me.

I am open about my journey to give others like me, who have struggled with the standard relationship models, permission to venture out and explore their own paths. If there’s one thing my 20s have taught me, it’s that many of the rules and guidelines we have in society are arbitrary. I get so much validation from those in the younger generations who decided early on that they would go their own way, and from older folks who throw away the rulebook they’ve lived by for the majority of their adult lives.

I also admit that I don’t have it all figured out. I’ve settled on a dynamic that works for me today, but I leave myself open to any possibilities that present themselves as I journey through life, rather than comparing my experience to that of others. I can’t wait to see what lies ahead.

Yes, Really – Period Sex Is Good For You (And Here’s How To Do It)

Posted on 10/10/2023 by Boris Clair

The number one film on Netflix at the moment, Fair Play, is an erotic thriller where the two characters have to conceal their relationship due to work policy.

As the film progresses, tensions rise as one is promoted and their relationship takes a dark turn.

However, this tension isn’t actually what’s got people talking, it’s actually a scene featuring period sex. Once considered highly taboo, this scene has been praised by Men’s Health, GQ, and viewers on X.

Love that the first few minutes of Fair Play shows that sex can be messy too and a lot of things, like a sudden period, can go on. We’ve had enough of those always perfect wattpad sex scenes pls. ✋🏽

— Simi (@simikunleoni) October 8, 2023

While period sex is unexpected in the film, it can actually be incredibly beneficial and enjoyable for both parties as long as you’re both comfortable and consenting.

Additionally, according to a period sex survey carried out by the period experts at Bodyform, half of adults say that they’d ‘never’ have period sex but 39% of people that get periods say that during their period is when they’d be most inclined to have sex.

So, what are the benefits of period sex?

So, aside from being something that 39% of us just want to be doing on our periods, what are the actual health benefits of having sex during your period?

According to Healthline, the biggest downside to having period sex is just the mess. Blood can get on you, your partner and your bedsheets, especially if you have a heavy flow. But, when isn’t sex just a little messy? Isn’t that part of the fun? Just me?

However, when it comes to the benefits of period sex, it seems that they can make having a period… almost enjoyable which is huge news for the 80% of us that will experience period pain at least once in our lifetimes.

This is because when you have an orgasm, the muscles of your uterus contract and release, bringing relief from period cramps. Of course, sex also triggers the release of endorphins, which are “feel good hormones”.

Finally, if you’re a migraine sufferer that tends to experience attacks during your period, a 2013 study found that many of those who do have sex during their periods say it partially or entirely relieves their attacks.

Are there any risks to having sex during your period?

Regardless of where you are in your cycle, you should practice safe sex but during your period, you should take extra caution. According to Sherry A.Ross, MD and women’s health expert, “It’s possible to not only get pregnant during your period but also to contract an STI.”

How to have period sex

Basically, it’s up to you! According to the period experts at Clue, some people choose to have sex in the shower to reduce mess while others simply put a towel down and others just enjoy getting a little bit messy!

Your period and sex life are both individual to you so whatever you think you’d feel most comfortable doing is what matters. If you’ve never done it before, you may want to work your way up to doing it without the shield of a shower or towel but there’s no shame in diving right in and either way, your uterus will thank you!

Let’s hope that representation like on Fair Play helps to stop period sex stigma all together.

Do Opposites Really Attract? A New Study May Have Given Us The Answer

Posted on 17/09/2023 by Boris Clair

They say opposites attract, but a new study says, “Hold on a minute, maybe they don’t.”

Researchers at the University of Colorado Boulder analysed research that included millions of couples over more than a century and took into account over 130 traits. They found that, more often than not, we end up with someone similar to them.

“Our findings demonstrate that birds of a feather are indeed more likely to flock together,” said first author Tanya Horwitz, a doctoral candidate in the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience and the Institute for Behavioral Genetics (IBG).

According to the study published in the journal Nature Human Behavior, 82% and 89% of traits examined were similar among partners, ranging from political leanings and the age you lost your virginity to nitty gritty physical traits like whether people needed to wear glasses or their waist circumference.

Other areas where couples tended to be similar? Religious attitudes, level of education, how likely a person was to drink or smoke and some measures of IQ all showed particularly high correlations.

“I think that the biggest takeaway is simply that the process of choosing a partner is not necessarily random and that certain traits may play a larger role in partner selection than others,” Jared Balbona, a postdoctoral data scientist and co-author of the study, told HuffPost.

Importantly, though, results can’t tell us exactly why partners might be similar on a given trait, Balbona said.

“For example, it’s possible that people with similar political values are actively seeking one another out, but it’s also possible that partner similarity on political values is due, at least partially, to them living in the same geographic area, as political values tend to congregate within certain regions,” he said.

There were a handful of categories where couples weren’t exactly alike; extroversion, for instance, was one category with little correlation ― meaning an extrovert is just as likely to end up with another extrovert as with an introvert.

“The correlation we found for extraversion was technically statistically significant in the positive direction (.08) but very slight, particularly when compared to a correlation of .58 for political values or .87 for age, where correlations further from 0 are stronger,” Horwitz said.

“Our findings demonstrate that birds of a feather are indeed more likely to flock together,” said first author Tanya Horwitz.

The research isn’t just enlightening for understanding who we fall in love with; it has important implications for the field of genetic research.

“A lot of the standard models used in our field assume that ‘mating’ is random (i.e., that whether you smoke is completely independent of whether or not your co-parent smokes), but as we demonstrated, there are a lot of traits for which this just isn’t true in sample after sample,” Horwitz said.

How the researchers conducted the study.

For the study, the research team reviewed nearly 200 papers that studied trait similarities among millions of male-female couples, going as far back as 1903.

In addition, they looked at a set of data called the U.K. Biobank to study 133 traits across almost 80,000 opposite-sex pairs in the United Kingdom. (For instance, the data included many rarely studied traits, like whether someone was breastfed or not or played computer games.)

Same-sex couples were not included in the research. The authors are now exploring those separately since patterns may differ significantly.

Of the meta-analysis, Horwitz said there is “no compelling evidence” on any trait that opposites attract. However, in the U.K. Biobank sample, they found a small number of traits in which there seemed to be a negative correlation (albeit small).

Those characteristics included chronotype (whether someone is a “night owl” or a “morning lark”), hearing difficulty, having a twin, and handedness (whether your dominant hand is your right or left).

“I don’t think anybody has ever said, ‘I like them, but I just don’t know if I can see myself with somebody left-handed,’” Balbona joked.

A few aspects of people’s personalities and dispositions were uncorrelated, which surprised Balbona.

“For example, there was little evidence of partner correlations for irritability, nervousness, or being ‘high strung’ — characteristics which potentially could play an important role when deciding whether you want to enter into a relationship with somebody else,” he said.

One of the areas where there was little correlation? Whether someone was right-handed or left: “I don’t think anybody has ever said, ‘I like them, but I just don’t know if I can see myself with somebody left-handed,’” Balbona joked.

What are the social implications of the study?

Horwitz and Balbona said the study has far-reaching social and societal implications.

Epidemiologists may be interested in application for the studies on health and biological indicators, while couples therapists may be most interested in how partner resemblance may relate to relationship satisfaction and duration, Horwitz said.

The researchers said that economists may be interested to see how the findings tie into wealth distribution and the labor market.

“Significant partner similarity on things like income, education, and social status ― regardless of the underlying reason ― can lead to these resources being concentrated within certain groups, thus worsening economic, educational, and health disparities between groups and reinforcing existing social strata,” Balbona said.

Obviously, the solution to this problem is not to stop certain groups of people from being in relationships with one another, Balbona said ― that’s a question he’s semi-frequently asked when he discusses this study.

“Rather, I believe these implications can best be addressed by adopting policy measures that reduce discrimination, increase the accessibility of education/ healthcare to all individuals, and support mixed-income housing, among other things,” he said.

On the individual level, if we’re drawn only to those similar to us, Balbona said, “We can seek out more diverse representations in the media we consume and can actively try to maintain an awareness of our own biases when interacting with others.”

How To Write A Dating App Bio That Won’t Give Anyone The Ick

Posted on 19/08/2023 by Boris Clair

Dating apps are a minefield, especially when it comes to writing bios. Where do you start? What do you even say? How do you save yourself from the absolute terror of having your profile shared on social media for people to laugh at? How do you make a good impression? How do you get everything about you across in so few words? How do you resist the urge to uninstall the apps entirely and hope to meet somebody the old fashioned way?

Thankfully, the dating nerds at Tinder have worked hard to find out the best possible way to craft a bio so that you’re saying all that you need to say but without being too much or, god forbid, cringe.

How to write a great dating app bio

So, you are unique and individual and your profile should definitely convey that but there are still some rules to follow, according to research conducted by popular dating app Tinder.

So, first of all, word count. Keeping things succinct is difficult but Tinder found that the optimum length is around 15-45 words. Within these words, though, the dating gurus found that 45% of single 18-24 year olds prefer when their potential match is clear about what they want in their dating app bio.

Additionally, 40% of people that used the Relationship Goals feature said that they are looking for a long term relationship compared to just 13% that said they were looking for a short-term connection. Basically, you need to be clear about what you’re looking for and if you’re not sure – say that!

Moreover, 50% of young singles say those who share their hobbies and interests in bios are more likely to catch their attention. The research also reveals that 51% of young singles are more likely to consider a dating profile when the person has given an insight into their personality. It’s almost like if you show that you’re willing to put real effort into a dating app bio, chances are, you’re willing to put more effort into… other things. You know.

Experts at Tinder also recommend that when you’re getting started, you should use 4-5 photos that really show your personality and if you’re a fashionista – show it off! 40% of young singles would be more likely to match with someone with good dress sense in their dating app pics. Having a verified account also makes a huge difference; nobody likes a catfish!

Which is the best prompt to use on dating apps?

Finally, we have the minefield of prompts. How do you choose which one to go for? How do you show your most authentic self through a prompt? Well, according to research by Hinge, the best prompt to go for is “the way to win me over is”.

It’s thought that this is vague enough to give an interesting answer without asking people to try too hard to answer. The other favourites included ‘my simple pleasures’, ‘I go crazy for’, ‘together, we could’ and ‘my most irrational fear’.

Happy swiping!

If You Find Yourself Mostly Attracted To Strangers, You Could Be This

Posted on 19/08/2023 by Boris Clair

Do you often find that when you’re attracted to someone, they are a stranger to you and the more you get to know somebody, the less attracted you are to them, even if they haven’t done anything in particular to make you feel that way? You could be what’s known as, ‘Fraysexual.’

Fraysexuality is often described as being the opposite of demisexuality. Demisexual people can only get aroused with people who they have a deep connection with. Both demisexual and fraysexual sexualities fall onto the asexual spectrum.

Dr. Edward Ratush, Board Certified Psychiatrist, sex therapist, and co-founder of SOHOMD, explained that fraysexuality “falls under the umbrella of the asexual spectrum because of the specific aversion a fraysexual individual will have toward sexual contact with their most intimate partner. Simply stated, the more a fraysexual person is emotionally connected with their intimate partner the less they are inclined to have overt sexual desire for this partner.”

Though, it is important to note that fraysexual people don’t always necessarily identify as asexual and the term asexual is used as an umbrella one that fraysexual falls under.

Signs that you may be fraysexual

According to Dr Ratush, you might be fraysexual if:

You lose sexual interest with a long-term partner
You find yourself craving romantic stability and connection with a partner, despite the decline in sexual attraction
You have a high interest in new experiences
Your sexualinterest is unstable
You find maintaining sexual desire challenging
There is a disconnect between emotional and physical attraction

How to maintain a relationship if you’re fraysexual

Of course, in a monogamous, long-term relationship, this can be a tricky obstacle to get around but it doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed. Be honest with your partner about how you’re feeling and how you experience attraction.

Sex therapist David Lerman says that workarounds are possible and it sometimes just takes a little longer for fraysexual people to become aroused –”Just because we are not aroused initially does not mean we are unwilling to be stimulated and aroused.”

However he added that it can be difficult to be in a relationship with somebody that doesn’t necessarily feel sexually attracted to you, saying, “Feeling sexually wanted and attractive by our partners is a large emotional need for most humans, particularly those practicing monogamy.”

He added that fraysexual people practicing in ethical non-monogamy often find it helps keep their spark with their primary partner alive.

‘My Tween Is Ruining My Marriage’

Posted on 18/08/2023 by Boris Clair

You’re reading Between Us, a place for parents to offload and share their tricky parenting dilemmas. Share your parenting dilemma here and we’ll seek advice from experts.

Parents have a lot to juggle in their own lives, as well as their children’s lives. So it’s no surprise then that when tweens (and teens) start to act out, it can feel like you’re teetering on the edge.

Ripples are felt far and wide – on your own mental health, on your relationship – the whole situation can swiftly spiral.

Such is the case for one parent, who shared their parenting dilemma on Reddit this week:

“My child is ruining my marriage. My eldest is almost a teenager and this year has been tough on her. She’s lost a lot of friends in school, has had to deal with a new sibling taking our attention and she’s got a rare pain condition. We have tried so hard to be supportive. We’ve tried giving her advice, attention, space, support, solutions and bent over backwards to be kind to her. It’s been hard though because she’s responded with an attitude that stinks and acting like she doesn’t care.

“I’m honestly at a loss because I don’t know what to do and me and my husband have had so many rows about her and her behaviour. We’ve just had a huge blow up and I honestly don’t know if we can come back from this. He’s so angry that she’s gone to do nice things today after speaking to me like shit and I was cross too and things were said that blew up. I can’t stop crying. I feel awful. I’ve failed as a mother and a wife.”

So, what can they do?

1. Be kind to yourself

Counselling Directory member Jenny Warwick says that, first and foremost, parents in this position need to prioritise themselves. “You have not failed as a mother or wife,” she says. “This is the time when you need to be kind to yourself.

“Remember, you won’t be able to help others if you feel drained and exhausted. Taking breaks for self-care is not selfish; it’s necessary.”

Family Lives, a charity supporting families, recommends that parents take time to relax; treat themselves occasionally; talk about their concerns with friends, partners or online forums; and learn techniques for coping with low mood, sadness and depression or anxiety.

2. Know that the tween period is really hard for all involved

Research actually suggests the tween period – when children are eight to 13 years old – are the hardest years of parenting.

According to parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith, this is because they are much more emotionally exhausting, not to mention less rewarding than, say, the toddler years when your child still relies on you for so much and is learning a lot, too.

Warwick agrees that this period can be “particularly tricky” to manage for parents. “Part of being a tween is finding independence and forging their own path, resulting in a strong push away from their parents,” she explains.

“As far as you are concerned, this has come out of nowhere and feels personal. However, recognising this as a typical part of preteen development can make the emotional burden easier to bear.”

On top of that, she acknowledges it sounds like the daughter is going through a lot – navigating shifts in friendships, coping with a pain condition and a new sibling.

But while this might contribute to her behaviour, “none of this gives her an excuse to be rude”, adds the counsellor.

If your child appears to be particularly struggling mentally, it might be worth speaking to your GP or a mental health charity – like The Mix, YoungMinds and Relate – for further advice.

3. Remember: your daughter still needs you

When your child is pushing you away, it might be tempting to just let them – especially when their attitude towards you leaves little to be desired – but Warwick suggests the daughter needs her parents now more than ever.

That said, the way to offer support to her is very different at this stage in her life than when she was younger, she suggests.

“Helping her find solutions is much more effective than jumping in to fix things for her. This can be a hard change in approach for parents to make, but it is the way forward,” says Warwick.

At the same time, you need to prioritise yourself and help your daughter recognise that your life doesn’t revolve around her, suggests the therapist.

4. Carve out time to be with your partner

When you welcome a new child, your relationship can instantly be put on the back-burner – add wider family discord into the mix, and things get trickier.

It will undoubtedly put pressure on a romantic relationship. And, to top that off, children can sense any tension, which might prompt further behavioural changes.

“You and your husband need to be on the same page regarding parenting,” says Warwick. “It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, too, with a new child.”

Verywell Family recommends parents try the following tips to help get back on the same page:

Determine what the consequences are for your children breaking rules in your home and stick to them.
Create parenting rules together and if you don’t agree on some of them, talk it out. Then share these rules with the wider household.
Back each other up in front of the kids and don’t disagree with each other in front of them.
Listen to each other, compromise where you can, and remember you’re on the same team.

Warwick’s advice to this parent is to give the relationship some care, “as it’s much easier if you are in this together”. This means taking time to be together as a couple to maintain a connection.

“Doing this lets you devise a plan of action together and establish agreed-upon boundaries for your family,” she adds.

Help and support:

Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI – this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.

Yes Really – These Are The Most Popular Kinks And Fetishes Worldwide

Posted on 22/07/2023 by Boris Clair

One of the most fun things about sex and exploring our own sexualities is just how many things we can try. There’s no shame in having a kink and there’s so much joy to be found in accidentally discovering one.

Additionally, as with everything in life, you’re never alone in your kinks, no matter how strange you might think that they are. In fact, according to data provided by Joy Love Dolls and Google search trends, popular kinks can be anything from role play to mummification and what makes you click gets thousands of others’ heart rates going, too.

The most popular kinks and fetishes

So, what are the most popular kinks that we have? Well, Joy Love Dolls analysed a year of Google search trends and, excluding unsafe kinks, compiled them into a list of 10 worldwide favourites.

Sadism

With almost 10 million annual searches, this is by far the most popular kink around the world. If you don’t know what it is, sadism is when you inflict physical or psychological suffering on another person to stimulate sexual excitement and orgasms.

Masochism

So, very much related to sadism and in fact, combined into the acronym S&M with it, masochism is when you derive sexual gratification from your own pain, humiliation, or frustration.

CBT

CBT is commonly used as shorthand in the therapy world for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy but in the world of kink, CBT actually stands for Cock and Ball Torture. This is, well, it’s in the name, isn’t it? It is the application of pain or constriction to the penis or testicles for sexual gratification.

Claustrophilia

No, that isn’t a typo. We don’t mean the commonly known claustrophobia, we mean quite the opposite, instead of fearing small or confined places, claustrophilia is being sexually aroused or interested in being confined in small places.

Vicarphilia

We thought this might be when you’re into dressing up as a vicar but no, in fact, it’s becoming aroused by other people’s sexual stories, and living vicariously through them. We didn’t know that this had a name but it turns out that 3.6 million people search for this every year.

Humiliation

People who are into the humiliation kink derive pleasure or erotic excitement from the mixed and powerful emotions of being humiliated and demeaned.

Role Play

One of the more well-known entries on this list, role play involves indulging in fantasy based on any social role and could incorporate any kind of sexual fetish desired by the participants. Think nurse costumes, dressing up as fictional characters, etc.

Cuckolding

This is when one partner watches their lover having sex with somebody else and derives pleasure from it. There’s also ‘cuckqueaning’ which tends to centre cis females as the cuckold, as opposed to the traditional male being cuckolded.

Age Play

Age play is a form of role play performed by adults pretending to be a different age than they are, usually younger but any age fits the bill.

Impact Play

Impact play involves hitting or being hit with an object in a safe, consensual way to derive sexual pleasure and create or appreciate a sensation of domination.

Mummification

This is an extreme form of bondage that gets around 325,000 searches per year. In mummification, a person is wrapped from head to toe, like a mummy, and are rendered completely immobilised for sexual gratification.

Looking to introduce kink to your relationship?

Nothing can spice up your bedroom life like introducing something new and if you’ve been thinking about trying something out, it’s worth discussing with your sexual partner to see if it’s something they’d like to explore.

Sex and relationships expert, Melissa Stone says: “Cultivating a healthy understanding of fetishes within consensual relationships can hugely enhance intimacy and pleasure within your relationship.”

She added: ”As the search term ‘sex fetish’ has increased in searches by 132% over the past 30 days worldwide, it’s essential to approach fetishes with an open mind, respect, and clear communication between those involved.

“Remember, what may seem unconventional to some is a source of excitement and fulfilment for others.”

How Do I Tell My Partner That Our Sex Life Is Boring?

Posted on 06/07/2023 by Boris Clair

You’re reading Love Stuck, where trained therapists answer your dating, sex, and relationship dilemmas. You can submit a question here.

You feel like you’ve won the lottery when you think you’ve found that forever person. It’s rare to find someone who ticks all your boxes and makes you feel safe. So, when that happens you’ll do anything to ensure that your relationship lasts.

Even if that means ignoring some aspects of the relationship that aren’t perfect.

This week’s reader Matthew is sure that he’s found the one but there’s one part of the relationship that is lacking: the sex. “I love my partner but our sex life is boring,” he tells HuffPost UK.

“I’ve been with my partner for a year and a half now. I’m very much in love with her but this isn’t the best sex I’ve had in my life,” he says.

He continues: “We’ve spoken about opening up our relationship but I think I only suggested doing this because I’m not satisfied in the bedroom. The sex is good but it’s not amazing and it makes me wonder if you can have it all in relationships?”

It’s evident that Matthew wants to make it work with his partner but is he settling in his love life? Counselling Directory member Nina Jellinek is on hand to help.

How important is the role of sex in a relationship?

Jellinek thinks this is a bit of a tricky question.

“For some people, sex is actually not important at all, or they might actively prefer a non-sexual relationship (not always a preference that is easy to express),” she says.

However, some people really value sex. “Both viewpoints are natural; the issues tend to arise if your and your partner’s feelings are at odds with each other,” Jellinek explains.

Sex usually plays a big part in relationships as it can be physically fun and satisfying.

“But it can also go beyond the physical feelings, and, for many, it is part of the sense of intimacy in a relationship,” Jellinek adds.

So, she says that “when there is a mismatch in people’s feelings about physical intimacy, it can lead to feelings of frustration, guilt, or resentment which can build up over time.”

What should we do if we feel that our sex life is lacking in our relationship?

Jellinek wants Matthew to consider whether the lack of sex is a temporary thing or if things might settle by themselves.

“It is also worth considering whether we have reasonable expectations around sex,” she says. When the relationship is new she says sex may have that novelty factor which is just not realistic to expect to maintain forever.

“This does not mean that you can’t expect to have an exciting physical relationship, just that things do change,” she adds.

Over time, people do sometimes fall into a routine that might be comfortable, but the sex might not have the same thrill factor that you had before.

“However, the truth might also be that you and your partner might be emotionally compatible, but the physical compatibility might never have been at the same level,” Jellinek says.

This could be a trickier situation because you have to try to address it. “But you also have to consider what you would do if things never improved in the way that you want,” she adds.

What practical advice would you give this reader?

If you aren’t happy with your sex life, ask your partner whether they feel the same.

“If you both want to improve things, there is a lot of scope for change, but it is important that each of you communicates your needs,” Jellinek advises.

If Matthew’s partner doesn’t feel the same, it might be a harder conversation to have. Jellinek suggests having a discussion about potentially exploring new experiences together.

If things aren’t working, there is the possibility of opening up the relationship. “There is nothing inherently wrong with this, but it can certainly come with complications,” Jellinek adds.

She continues: “It’s only going to work if you are both genuinely OK with it and even then the impact might be unpredictable.”

She wants Matthew to know that if he is not happy with his sex life it can impact his relationship so it’s an issue that needs to be talked through.

Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.

I Want To Leave My Boyfriend Because He’s Depressed

Posted on 25/05/2023 by Boris Clair

You’re reading Love Stuck, where trained therapists answer your dating, sex, and relationship dilemmas. You can submit a question here.

Watching someone you love struggle with their mental health isn’t easy. You want to support and care for that person but they might be shutting you out or worse, it could be affecting your relationship.

This week’s reader Holly has found herself stuck between a rock and a hard place. “My boyfriend is depressed and it’s affecting our relationship,” Holly says.

“My boyfriend has suffered from depression for the majority of our relationship. I feel bad for saying this but it’s starting to affect me too. We live together and in the last few months the depression has really put a strain on our relationship,” Holly adds.

She continues: “His moods are always up and down, he rarely wants to go out and it’s making me question the relationship. Part of me feels like I want to leave but is that fair? What can I do?”

What should Holly do? Should she fight for her relationship and support her partner?

Co-Founder of So Synced and Relationship Expert Jessica Alderson wants Holly to practice compassion.

“While it’s important for the reader to empathise with her partner’s struggles, she should acknowledge that it isn’t easy for her, either, and she shouldn’t feel guilty about that,” Alderson says.

What would you say to this reader?

“Depression can be an all-consuming mental illness, and it’s understandable that it’s starting to affect the reader as well,” says Alderson.

It can be emotionally taxing to support a loved one with depression so anyone in this position should have someone to talk to.

“In addition, the reader should remember to practice self-care. This might include regular exercise, taking time to pursue hobbies, and spending time with friends and family,” Alderson adds.

She explains that if your partner is suffering from a mental illness, it’s important not to fall into the trap of trying to “fix” them.

“Providing support and understanding is very different from trying to cure someone’s depression. It can be a dangerous road to go down and may cause the “saviour” to end up with serious issues of their own,” Alderson says.

Trying to save someone in a relationship usually doesn’t work as recovery from mental illnesses such as depression or addiction often requires professional help and serious commitment.

Alderson tells Holly that “while supporting a partner is a natural and essential part of any relationship, it’s important that we recognise our own limitations and be aware of our own needs. There’s a fine line between compassion and self-neglect, and staying on the right side of it is key for your overall well-being.”

How can one person having depression affect a relationship?

Alderson explains that “When one person in a relationship is experiencing depression, it can have a significant impact on the dynamics and well-being of both individuals involved. Here are some ways in which depression can affect a relationship:”

Emotional strain: Depression often leads to persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and fatigue. The non-depressed partner may also experience feelings of helplessness, frustration, or guilt for not being able to alleviate their partner’s suffering. If it persists, both people can end up feeling disconnected from each other.
Communication challenges: Depression can impact people’s ability to communicate effectively. The person with depression may withdraw, have difficulty expressing their emotions, or struggle to engage in open and honest conversations. This can hinder effective communication and make it challenging for the couple to understand each other.
Reduced intimacy and sexual desire: Depression often causes a lack of interest in activities that people once enjoyed, including physical intimacy. One side effect of depression is a decreased libido, which can lead to less frequent sexual activity. In turn, this can cause feelings of rejection or inadequacy which can further strain the relationship.
Role imbalance: When one partner is dealing with depression, the other partner may need to take on additional responsibilities and support them, such as cooking, cleaning, or managing finances. This can result in an imbalance within the relationship, and the non-depressed partner might feel overwhelmed or neglected as they focus their energy on supporting their partner.
Social isolation: Depression can lead to social withdrawal and a reduced desire to engage in social activities. As such, the couple may end up going to fewer events together, which can leave both people feeling disconnected from their social network. The non-depressed partner may feel guilty about attending events without their significant other and may become socially isolated.

What practical advice would you give this reader?

This is clearly not an easy situation for Holly. “Deciding whether to stay with a partner who has depression is a deeply personal choice that depends on several factors,” Alderson says.

Holly should consider the impact that the depression is having on her own mental health. “There’s a clear distinction between finding a situation slightly challenging and feeling completely overwhelmed or unable to cope,” Alderson explains.

“One of the most important factors to consider is whether her partner is currently taking action to address his depression or is at least open to the idea,” she adds.

If her boyfriend is committed to making changes this massively impacts how likely it is that the situation will improve in the future. Holly should also consider how compatible they are as a couple on a fundamental basis.

“While depression can strain a relationship, it’s important that she evaluates whether there are other issues that go beyond the effects of depression. This includes factors such as mutual attraction, shared values, and aligned goals,” Alderson adds.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to whether you should stay in a relationship with a partner who has depression, as each situation is unique.

“Ending a relationship with someone who is in need of support can be a difficult choice to make. It’s ultimately up to the individual to weigh up all the various factors and decide what feels right for them,” Alderson says.

It may feel wrong to leave a relationship when someone is suffering from mental health issues, b01ut if it’s causing significant distress for you it isn’t selfish if it’s done for the right reasons and in the right way.

Here’s What Brits Think A First Date Should Cost

Posted on 20/03/2023 by Boris Clair

Drinking is a big part of dating culture. Most dates take place at bars or pubs because they’re the perfect place to meet and speak to someone. Additionally, you might be able to calm your first-date nerves with a drink or two – but the price of those drinks can rack up!

Brits spend almost £500 (£454) on first dates per year, according to credit card brand Aqua. This figure could be cut massively if you let go of the booze on your next dates. So much so, that 17% of those surveyed said they’re going to opt for cheaper coffee or lunch dates and 23% of British singles plan to stop dating completely!

When asked how much Brits believe should be spent on a first date, Aqua found that the average expected cost of a first date sits at £37.85.

However, it turns out that men have much higher expectations than women when it comes to first-date spending. The average response from men came in at £43.24, whereas the average response for women came in at £32.26, which is almost an £11 difference per date.

It appears that men are still quite traditional as only 15% of men believe the cost of a first date should be split equally. However, nearly 40% of women believe that the bill for a first date should be split equally.

But bills being at an all-time high, everyone is looking for ways to spend less money including dates.

Aqua has shared tips that will help singletons navigate their love life without worrying too much about their finances.

Have a movie night at home

This is probably one to do when you feel comfortable with the person you’re dating. So when you feel ready to welcome that special someone into your home, why not host your own movie night? With a few DVDs or a streaming subscription, you can recreate the magic of the cinema from the comfort of your own home without spending a load of money at the cinema.

Visit a free museum or gallery

Attending a free exhibition together is another great option as the only cost you need to cover is transport to and from the museum or gallery. The British Museum, The Tate Modern, and the National Gallery are a few London-based attractions offering free admission, but you’ll be able to find something to do wherever you’re based.

Find a local event to attend

There are plenty of free events like food markets, street fairs, or open mic nights advertised in local papers and on social media. More often than not, they’re free to attend and they provide a casual environment for you to get to know each other.

Go for a walk

With lighter evenings and longer days, it is now more pleasant to walk around outside – why not grab a coffee with your companion, go for a lovely woodland walk and enjoy the sunset? Better yet, make your coffee at home ‘to-go’ for a real budget-friendly date.