Tag Archives: Teens

‘My Tween Is Ruining My Marriage’

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You’re reading Between Us, a place for parents to offload and share their tricky parenting dilemmas. Share your parenting dilemma here and we’ll seek advice from experts.

Parents have a lot to juggle in their own lives, as well as their children’s lives. So it’s no surprise then that when tweens (and teens) start to act out, it can feel like you’re teetering on the edge.

Ripples are felt far and wide – on your own mental health, on your relationship – the whole situation can swiftly spiral.

Such is the case for one parent, who shared their parenting dilemma on Reddit this week:

“My child is ruining my marriage. My eldest is almost a teenager and this year has been tough on her. She’s lost a lot of friends in school, has had to deal with a new sibling taking our attention and she’s got a rare pain condition. We have tried so hard to be supportive. We’ve tried giving her advice, attention, space, support, solutions and bent over backwards to be kind to her. It’s been hard though because she’s responded with an attitude that stinks and acting like she doesn’t care.

“I’m honestly at a loss because I don’t know what to do and me and my husband have had so many rows about her and her behaviour. We’ve just had a huge blow up and I honestly don’t know if we can come back from this. He’s so angry that she’s gone to do nice things today after speaking to me like shit and I was cross too and things were said that blew up. I can’t stop crying. I feel awful. I’ve failed as a mother and a wife.”

So, what can they do?

1. Be kind to yourself

Counselling Directory member Jenny Warwick says that, first and foremost, parents in this position need to prioritise themselves. “You have not failed as a mother or wife,” she says. “This is the time when you need to be kind to yourself.

“Remember, you won’t be able to help others if you feel drained and exhausted. Taking breaks for self-care is not selfish; it’s necessary.”

Family Lives, a charity supporting families, recommends that parents take time to relax; treat themselves occasionally; talk about their concerns with friends, partners or online forums; and learn techniques for coping with low mood, sadness and depression or anxiety.

2. Know that the tween period is really hard for all involved

Research actually suggests the tween period – when children are eight to 13 years old – are the hardest years of parenting.

According to parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith, this is because they are much more emotionally exhausting, not to mention less rewarding than, say, the toddler years when your child still relies on you for so much and is learning a lot, too.

Warwick agrees that this period can be “particularly tricky” to manage for parents. “Part of being a tween is finding independence and forging their own path, resulting in a strong push away from their parents,” she explains.

“As far as you are concerned, this has come out of nowhere and feels personal. However, recognising this as a typical part of preteen development can make the emotional burden easier to bear.”

On top of that, she acknowledges it sounds like the daughter is going through a lot – navigating shifts in friendships, coping with a pain condition and a new sibling.

But while this might contribute to her behaviour, “none of this gives her an excuse to be rude”, adds the counsellor.

If your child appears to be particularly struggling mentally, it might be worth speaking to your GP or a mental health charity – like The Mix, YoungMinds and Relate – for further advice.

3. Remember: your daughter still needs you

When your child is pushing you away, it might be tempting to just let them – especially when their attitude towards you leaves little to be desired – but Warwick suggests the daughter needs her parents now more than ever.

That said, the way to offer support to her is very different at this stage in her life than when she was younger, she suggests.

“Helping her find solutions is much more effective than jumping in to fix things for her. This can be a hard change in approach for parents to make, but it is the way forward,” says Warwick.

At the same time, you need to prioritise yourself and help your daughter recognise that your life doesn’t revolve around her, suggests the therapist.

4. Carve out time to be with your partner

When you welcome a new child, your relationship can instantly be put on the back-burner – add wider family discord into the mix, and things get trickier.

It will undoubtedly put pressure on a romantic relationship. And, to top that off, children can sense any tension, which might prompt further behavioural changes.

“You and your husband need to be on the same page regarding parenting,” says Warwick. “It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, too, with a new child.”

Verywell Family recommends parents try the following tips to help get back on the same page:

  • Determine what the consequences are for your children breaking rules in your home and stick to them.
  • Create parenting rules together and if you don’t agree on some of them, talk it out. Then share these rules with the wider household.
  • Back each other up in front of the kids and don’t disagree with each other in front of them.
  • Listen to each other, compromise where you can, and remember you’re on the same team.

Warwick’s advice to this parent is to give the relationship some care, “as it’s much easier if you are in this together”. This means taking time to be together as a couple to maintain a connection.

“Doing this lets you devise a plan of action together and establish agreed-upon boundaries for your family,” she adds.

Help and support:

  • Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
  • Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI – this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
  • CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
  • The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
  • Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.
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Um, So Here Are 4 Things You Really Shouldn’t Say To Teens On Results Day

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The next couple of weeks will be a mixture of anxiety and excitement for teens (and their parents) up and down the country.

On August 17, A-level, AS-level and T-level results will be revealed, while a week later, on August 24, GCSE results will be announced.

It’s a huge moment for a lot of teens who, based on their results, may then decide to continue studying, try and get a job, or even consider resits.

So, says Dr Nihara Krause, a consultant clinical psychologist specialising in teenage mental health, “how parents engage at this time can help shape motivation and confidence moving forwards”.

It’s understandable that lots of teens will be more than a little anxious about how their parents will respond to their grades – so responding positively is key, even if the outcome is not what you or they wanted, suggests the psychologist.

While we want what’s best for our children, sometimes we can easily let our own disappointment show – and when your teen is feeling pretty pants, this isn’t really going to help.

Here, Dr Krause – who is working with Talking Futures, a toolkit which helps parents instigate career conversations with their kids – shares some phrases you definitely want to avoid uttering when they receive their grades.

What not to say on results day

1. You should have revised more

In short: not a helpful comment. “This suggests disappointment in the effort put into revision and that your child has fallen short of parental expectations,” says Dr Krause.

It’s going to leave your teen feeling pretty lousy.

2. If only you had spent less time on your phone

Whilst spending time on the phone is a very common parental concern, it’s more helpful to identify what difficulties or blocks there might be in a young person applying themselves to their studies rather than focusing on time spent elsewhere, suggests the psychologist.

3. What are you going to do now with these results rather than the ones predicted?

“Avoid indicating that there are no alternatives and painting a bleak future,” says the expert.

Instead, parents might want to do a bit of research themselves, looking into further education and career options available to their child following their exam results.

This way, they can steer their teen’s focus towards their futures, no matter their results.

4. How did everyone else in your class do?

If your child is feeling rubbish about their results, this focus on how other people did probably isn’t going to help.

“Opting for a judgmental question may affect self-esteem in terms of feeling less than or, if they’ve done better, to feel ‘better than’,” says the psychologist.

5. Exams were a lot harder in my day

It’s best to avoid turning the conversation into a comparison on sitting exams when you were young, as this “minimises their success”, she adds.

What to say instead

1. I’m so proud of the effort you put into your exams

Regardless of results, it’s important to acknowledge your child’s efforts and encourage them to think about the steps they have taken to get to where they are today.

“Encourage gratitude, discourage bragging, and focus your conversations with them around next steps in their future whilst motivation is high,” she suggests.

2. Let’s focus on your strengths, rather than comparing yourself to others – how your friends did won’t impact you or your future

“There is a mistaken belief that comparison generates ‘healthy competition’,” says Dr Krause.

But she suggests focusing on what helps a young person to gain their own personal best is far more effective than comparing, as it helps them identify unique qualities and improve on these.

It also helps generate self-acceptance and positivity, while avoiding complacency, the expert suggests.

3. Let’s consider your next steps together

A problem shared is a problem halved, after all.

“Be positive about alternatives and help build confidence by showing that you are there to support them,” says Dr Krause, “by doing this you can also motivate your young person to look ahead.”

Research from Talking Futures found 65% of 13-to-18-year-olds are most likely to say their parent is the number one person in their life that they would want to support and guide them on their chosen career path.

However good timing and using the right phrases are essential to ensuring this is done constructively.

“Depending on how the young person feels about the results they have received, now might not be the best time for parents to bring up the topic of the future and next steps,” says Dr Krause.

“And even if it does feel like it’s an OK topic to discuss, parents should approach conversations with extra care – mixed emotions and feeling overwhelmed is common for both parents and young people alike at results time, so let them settle first before constructive conversation can begin.”

Here’s to a positivity-filled results day, no matter the outcome.

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Nick Ferrari’s ‘Shocking’ Toothbrush Comments Have Left People Enraged

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As the cost of living crisis rages on, LBC presenter Nick Ferrari has left many angered and shocked after saying people shouldn’t become parents if they can’t afford to buy their children toothbrushes.

His comments were in response to figures released by the charity Beauty Banks and the British Dental Association, which found 83% of secondary school teachers said they or their school have given students toothbrushes or toothpaste.

Responding to this heartbreaking stat, Ferrari said: “If you are a mum – and/or a dad – and you haven’t got money to buy your child a toothbrush, you should never have become a parent in the first place.” Yes, you heard correctly.

The repercussions of oral hygiene poverty are huge and devastating for children.

The new report found one in two teachers said children isolate themselves because of oral hygiene issues, while one in four miss school because of it. One in three have witnessed bullying directly linked to a student’s oral hygiene issues.

Sali Hughes, co-founder of Beauty Banks which donates personal hygiene products to people living in poverty, branded Ferrari’s comments as “shocking”.

She told HuffPost UK: “Suggesting that women who find themselves poor should never have had children, at the very best fails to comprehend the unprecedented scale of financial difficulty for families since Covid, a global energy crisis, recession, and a cost of living crisis that has seen essentials like food and toiletries rise sharply – and unmanageably – in price.

“Circumstances have changed so dramatically for so many families that Beauty Banks has seen a 75% increase in product requests from food banks, hostels and schools, with toothpaste and toothbrushes now being the most asked for toiletries items.”

She concluded: “If Nick Ferrari can’t conceive of such poverty, then he is very fortunate. But this is the demonstrable reality for many modern Britons. I suggest that rather than belittling people living in poverty, and rubbishing frontline teacher testimony, he should listen, try to understand, and affect change.”

Many factors can contribute to people ending up in poverty, including rising living costs, low pay, lack of work, and inadequate social security benefits.

According to the Joseph Rowntree Foundation, around one in five people in the UK (20%) were in poverty between 2020-21. That’s 13.4 million people. (And this data was compiled well before the worst of the energy crisis took hold.)

It’s believed around one in four children in the UK are living in poverty and, according to the Child Poverty Action Group, 75% of these children have at least one parent in work.

After LBC shared a clip of Ferrari’s response to the report, hundreds of people – including TV host Carol Vorderman – had plenty to say about it, with the former Countdown star calling his language “humiliating”.

There were also plenty of reminders that not every parent is already living in poverty when they have children – and that circumstances can (and sadly often do) change.

Photographer and activist Misan Harriman, who is an ambassador for Save The Children UK, issued a video statement in response to the comments, which he branded “unacceptable”.

“We have to have a duty of care to the most vulnerable in our society and if a parent cannot afford a toothbrush, they are vulnerable. They need help, not criticism.

“As a nation we need to ask ourselves who we are – and I do not recognise any place where parents that are going through hell are stamped on. We have to be better than this.”

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More Than A Third Of Teens Worry Often About Body Image – Is Social Media To Blame?

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