‘Help! My Toddler Won’t Stop Peeing And Pooing In Their Cot’

You’re reading Between Us, a place for parents to offload and share their tricky parenting dilemmas. Share your parenting dilemma here and we’ll seek advice from experts.

Raising a toddler can be a wild ride. One moment they’re telling you they love you, the next you’re dislodging a small plastic sheep that’s been launched across the room from your head (just me?).

As they grow up and understand more of the world, they will test the water with all manner of behaviours – colouring on the floor; hitting; or even *checks notes* removing their nappy and pooing or weeing all over their bed.

Such is the case for one anonymous HuffPost UK reader, who shared their parenting dilemma with us:

Our toddler recently started taking their nappy off in the cot and then peeing or pooing all over their bed. We do a whole bedtime process including reading books, singing lullabies and then we will tell them it’s time to sleep and leave the room. In the past, they would go to sleep at this point, however just recently they’ve started to undress themselves and will pull their nappy off and then urinate or poo in the bed, including on the duvet, sheets and pillows. It’s happened at nap time and bedtime. What is the best way to respond to this behaviour? And how can we prevent it from happening, as it seems to be developing into a habit?

The good news is that this is pretty normal toddler behaviour.

“It is common for toddlers to exhibit behaviours that may seem challenging or unconventional as they navigate their development,” says Hendrix Hammond, systemic and family psychotherapist and spokesperson for the UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP).

First of all, the parent might want to ask themselves why the toddler might be doing this. What’s the motivation here?

“Your toddler might be exploring boundaries. In this case, removing the nappy and urinating or defecating in the bed might be a form of experimentation or a way for your toddler to exert independence,” Hammond tells HuffPost UK.

“Furthermore, your toddler might recognise that this behaviour elicits a particular response from you as parents, which serves them an unconscious need.”

So, what can they do?

1. Reconsider their clothing choices

One relatively simple solution could be to try bed-wear that’s more difficult for the child to remove, such as onesies with poppers at the shoulders.

This can act as a deterrent and make it harder for them to access and remove their nappy.

2. Try positive reinforcement

When the toddler goes through a nap time or bedtime without removing their nappy, the therapist recommends parents acknowledge and praise their behaviour.

“Positive reinforcement can help motivate them to keep the nappy on,” he adds.

3. Get them to help with cleaning up

If the toddler does happen to wee or poo in their bed as a result of removing their nappy, the therapist suggests involving them in the cleanup process.

“This helps them understand the consequences of their actions and fosters a sense of responsibility,” he explains.

4. Stick to routines

Familiarity can help reduce anxiety and unpredictability, which may contribute to this type of behaviour, so the therapist recommends keeping bedtime routines consistent.

5. Communication

Sometimes it can help to simply sit down with a toddler and talk about their actions simply and clearly. “Explain that nappies must stay on during sleep and that accidents can create messes,” Hammond suggests.

6. Speak to a GP

If the parent tries all of the above strategies and the behaviour persists, Hammond advises them to speak to a GP, who can assess whether underlying physical or emotional factors might contribute to their toddler’s behaviour.

7. Be patient

Easier said than done, we know, but Hammond notes that “with a combination of understanding, consistent guidance, and potentially seeking professional advice, you can work towards helping your toddler develop healthy habits”.

Here’s to a drama-free bedtime.

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Neuroscientist Shares 5-Step Guide To Help Kids Handle Life’s Challenges

If there’s one thing we all know about life, it’s that nothing is ever simple. We all make mistakes, things inevitably go wrong, so how is best to react when these issues do crop up? And how can we, as parents, help our kids navigate these tricky waters?

Caroline Leaf is a cognitive neuroscientist, mental health expert, and mum of four. She recommends something called ‘the Neurocycle’ which is essentially five steps for mind-management when things go wrong, that both parents and children can use.

Leaf, who authored the book How to Help Your Child Clean up Their Mental Mess, explains that the Neurocycle is a five-step process that harnesses the brain’s ability to change and can help children develop their mental resilience and manage their mental health.

“A great way to explain this process to your child is by telling them that the Neurocycle is like having a superpower, one that they can use throughout their life when they feel sad, when they’re mad or upset, or even when they are happy and just want to learn something new,” Leaf tells HuffPost UK.

It’s all about transforming negative or disruptive thinking patterns into healthy thoughts and habits.

“We all have ‘messy’ minds as we manage the daily struggles of life,” she says. The Neurocycle is a way to control that “mess” and “optimise resilience with brain-boosting strategies and practices like gratitude, joy and kindness”.

What are the steps?

1. Gather awareness

Gain a comprehensive understanding of how you’re feeling mentally and physically.

“Consider any warning signals that take shape through your behaviour, because this means your body is trying to tell you something important,” says Leaf.

2. Reflect

This bit is all about taking a step back and considering why you’re feeling the way you do.

3. Write, play or draw

Organise your thinking and reflections to gain insight.

“For adults and older kids or teens, write down your reflections. For younger children, it might make more sense to draw or play to bring subconscious feelings to light,” says the neuroscientist.

4. Recheck

Once you’ve created a clearer picture of how you’re feeling, accept the experience and think about how you can view it in a new light, so it no longer controls how you feel.

5. Active reach

This involves a thought or activity that distracts you from the negative emotions and keeps you from getting stuck with your toxic patterns.

How do I do this with my kids?

First, help your child gather awareness of how they are feeling by observing their warning signals more deeply. For example:

  • “I feel worried and frustrated” = emotional warning signal.
  • “I have an upset tummy” = bodily sensation warning signal.
  • “I want to cry and not talk to anyone” = behaviour warning signal.
  • “I hate school” = perspective warning signal.

Now, walk them through the reflecting stage, helping them consider why they feel this way, and then write, play or draw what they feel, which will help them better understand what their warning signals are pointing to.

During this stage you can encourage them to ask themselves questions like: Why do I feel sad and frustrated? Why is my tummy sore? Why do I want to cry and not talk to anyone?

The fourth step, recheck, requires parents to encourage children “to explore their feelings and thoughts and try to find a way to make what happened to them better,” says Leaf.

So, for example, if a child is worried about a bully, you could offer them another way to look at it. Leaf suggests you could say something like: “Maybe the bully is dealing with some issues at home, or maybe someone else is bullying them.

“All of their frightened energy is resulting in them treating you in an unkind way. That doesn’t make it right, but it may help you feel sorry for them and walk away without feeling bad about yourself.”

And lastly, active reach is a bit like taking a treatment or medicine each day to help their thinking and feelings get better.

“Help your child come up with ways they can do this when they are feeling overwhelmed or unwell,” suggests Leaf.

“This step is characterised by actions and things your child can do that are pleasant and happy, which stabilise what they have learned and anchor them in a peaceful place of acceptance.”

The last step is all about teaching children to try and look for solutions instead of getting “stuck in their emotions”, concludes the neuroscientist, which is important for building their mental resilience.

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‘My Adult Son Has Moved Home Again And I Desperately Want Him To Move Out’

You’re reading Between Us, a place for parents to offload and share their tricky parenting dilemmas. Share your parenting dilemma here and we’ll seek advice from experts.

With the cost of living crisis, rocketing bills, and soaring rent payments, a growing number of adult children – dubbed ‘boomerang kids’ – are moving back in with their parents.

In fact, as of 2021, there were 620,000 more adult children living with their parents compared to 10 years previous, census data found.

While lots of parents will enjoy the chance to spend more time with their grown-up children, having them move back in can also cause tension and rifts.

Such is the case for one anonymous HuffPost UK reader, who shared their parenting dilemma with us:

“Our adult son has moved home for the second time, and I desperately want him to move out. He came home after a highly toxic relationship breakdown during which time he had wiped out all of his savings. He reluctantly came home at my insistence, and said it would only be for 2-3 weeks, but never left, and never asked us if he could stay permanently.

“As such the ‘ground rules’ conversations never took place, although we’ve tried to have them several times since with no impact or improvement. Since moving home seven months ago, he has not changed his sheets, washed his towels, he’s doing nothing to improve his job prospects in order to earn a consistent living wage that would allow him to move out, he’s not doing what we suggest to save money to clear his debts quicker. He doesn’t routinely help out around the home – he’ll clean his own plate but won’t unload the dishwasher, for example. He’ll remove his clothes from the washing line but leave everything else in the rain.

“He pays us ‘rent’ weekly which is now consistent, but resents it. This is about a third of what it would cost him to live in a house-share where we live. We have tried to address all of the above issues many times, but nothing changes. I feel we have no choice but to ask him to leave, but I fear making him homeless.”

So, what can they do?

1. Sit down and talk

While the situation is clearly hard for the parent, therapists recommend they take a step back and consider that their son is probably struggling quite a bit at the moment, too.

“Are these current behaviours new, or are they out of character? I would want to know more about how your family have communicated in the past – do things get heated?” asks Counselling Directory member Octavia Landy.

She recommends setting a specific time for a family meeting and, in the first instance, talking with the son about what is happening for him. The parent needs to find out: how is he? Is he struggling at the moment? What would he like to happen in his life?

During this conversation, the parent can also talk to their son about how it feels for them when he is not pulling his weight, and how it’s impacting the rest of the family, she suggests.

This isn’t a finger-pointing exercise, so at the same time the parent can remind their son that they care – this could be as simple as asking him what he needs or figuring out how the family can work towards this goal together. Empathy is key.

“It sounds like he is feeling lost and needs to make some changes, perhaps he feels overwhelmed,” adds the therapist.

2. Be prepared to listen calmly

When things get heated – which they can in these scenarios – it can be easy to just storm off and not really hear each other out. But every effort needs to be made, on both sides, to properly listen.

“As the parents, you will need to model consistency and keep calm,” suggests Landy.

“Bring the conversation back to the matter at hand, reiterate what you need to change, but also listen to your son. It sounds like there is something deeper happening for him, and by connecting on a new level, you can support each other and work together.”

3. Set clear boundaries

“Boundaries and communication lie at the heart of this dilemma,” says counsellor Georgina Sturmer, addressing the parent directly.

“At the moment, it feels as if the lack of boundaries is leading to a sense of anger and resentment on your part. It sounds like it might be time for you to communicate more effectively, ‘adult to adult’, about how you want your relationship to be.”

The Counselling Directory member also suggests a bit of self-reflection on how the relationship with the son has changed since he became an adult.

“Consider what your boundaries look like,” adds Sturmer. “How do you communicate with him about what constitutes acceptable behaviour?”

It’s also important to figure out where the partner stands on all this, because if there’s disagreement over how is best to handle the situation, it could fuel the son’s behaviour further.

As there wasn’t really a clear cut establishing of boundaries when the son moved back in, now is the time to lay down the law and sweep any uncertainty under the rug.

“Work together to establish ground rules and a timeline for these to be reviewed. It will be important to check in with him on how things are progressing,” adds Landy.

4. Ask yourself what you need to feel happy in your home

Sturmer suggests the parent should ask themselves what they need in order to be able to feel happy and safe in their home – and the answer might be a difficult one to come to terms with.

“It might be that this means that you need to ask him to leave,” she says. “If this triggers fears about him becoming homeless, then address these fears directly.

“Perhaps you can find a way to work together on a timeframe for him to leave home. Or if you don’t feel able to ask him to leave, start setting stricter ‘ground rules’, based on what you might expect from an adult living in your home.

“This can shift the dynamic from ‘parent to child’ to ‘adult to adult’. Even though he may always be your baby, remember that he is an adult, and he deserves to have an opportunity to be independent.”

Ultimately, communicating clearly, really listening to each other, and setting firm boundaries (and timelines) will be key in making all of this work.

Landy concludes: “Change needs to happen, and whilst that can be scary, by working together you can hopefully support your son to stand on his own again, without having to ask him to leave.”

Help and support:

  • Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
  • Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI – this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
  • CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
  • The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
  • Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.
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Would You Know What To Do If Your Child Was Burned By A Hot Drink?

A mum and former nurse has shared the burns and scalds advice that she reckons plenty of parents don’t know, but definitely should.

Beki (@beki.guinta) recalled the mortifying moment her 18-month-old son pulled her hot tea – consisting of pure boiling water and no milk – down on top of him.

“I was standing right next to him, I did not think this would happen, I’m the most safe parent alive,” she said in a TikTok video which has been viewed more than 5.3 million times.

Beki explained how she used to be a registered nurse and worked in a children’s intensive care unit and therefore has “seen it all” and is “so safe” with her child. But noted these accidents still happen.

She then proceeded to tell other parents “exactly” what to do in the event that their child gets burnt.

“The lack of knowledge people have around what to do if a child gets burnt is astonishing,” she said.

So what’s the advice?

“The first thing you need to do is call an ambulance and then you need to take all your child’s clothing off, get them completely nude, and get them in a shower or under continuous cold running water for a minimum – a minimum – of 20 minutes,” she said.

“Not only does this aid in stopping the burn, this helps aid with the pain as well.”

The NHS shares similar advice for treating burns or scalds. Firstly, it advises to remove any clothing or jewellery from near the burnt area of skin, including babies’ nappies, unless – and this is important – the item of clothing is stuck to the burnt skin.

Then it says to “cool the burn with cool or lukewarm running water for 20 minutes as soon as possible after the injury”.

It warns parents to “never use ice, iced water, or any creams or greasy substances like butter”.

You’ll need to keep your child warm to help prevent hypothermia – “use a blanket or layers of clothing, but avoid putting them on the injured area,” reads the advice.

Beki said she used her body heat to keep her son warm while he was in the shower.

Next, cover the burn with cling film (laying the film flat over the burn rather than wrapping it around a limb) and treat any pain with paracetamol or ibuprofen, advises the NHS. It might also help to raise the affected area to reduce swelling.

Recalling the horrifying moment her son was burned, Beki continued: “My little boy was beside himself. I had to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star while I was sobbing, holding him in the shower just running icy cold water over his burn.

“His whole face, his neck, his torso, his stomach – everything was bright red. I’m talking like, a red that isn’t… you don’t normally see it. It was terrifying.

“I just thought instantly: he was going to be in the burns unit, he was going to be having skin grafts, he was going to have surgery and that would’ve 100% happened had I not done what I did that day.”

She said her son is now fine and “doesn’t even have a mark on him” – and she credits running cool water on him for 20 minutes as the reason why.

According to the NHS, you’ll need to go to A&E if your child is under 10, has a medical condition or weakened immune system and has a scald or burn.

You should also head to hospital if they have:

  • large burns bigger than the size of their hand,
  • deep burns of any size that cause white or charred skin,
  • burns on the face, neck, hands, feet, any joints, or genitals,
  • chemical and electrical burns,
  • any other injuries that need treating,
  • any signs of shock – symptoms include cold, clammy skin; sweating; rapid, shallow breathing; and weakness or dizziness.
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Jehane Thomas, TikTok Star And Mother-Of-Two, Has Died Aged 30

TikTok parenting star Jehane Thomas, whose videos of life with her young sons gained a devoted audience, has died at the age of 30.

Thomas had been plagued by migraines and “bouts of illness” recently, but her death on March 17 “was totally unexpected and we are all absolutely heartbroken,” a friend wrote on her GoFundMe page.

“Her two children, Isaac (3, almost 4), and Elijah (1), have been left without their mum,” Alyx Reast wrote.

Thomas, from Doncaster, England, said she was diagnosed with optic neuritis, in which swelling damages the optic nerve, months earlier.

Her recent TikTok videos documented going in and out of the hospital for migraines and other ailments, and her frustration that she wasn’t getting better.

In her last TikTok on March 15, she wrote of an impending surgery while she lay near-motionless in a hospital bed.

“I can’t lift my head up without wanting to be sick and I’m unable to walk. I need to be wheeled everywhere. That’s how bad this pain is.” She later expressed regret that her sons had “grown up” while she was away.

In her last clip of her with the boys on March 13, Thomas playfully rubbed gel into the hair of Isaac while she held Elijah as Ella Eyre’s “Together” played in the background.

Thomas’ videos about packing lunches and cooking advice for kids branched out into balancing parenthood with her budding printing business.

Yorkshire Live have featured several tributes from friends and viewers.

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7 Of The Most Common Things Parents Say About Their Adult Children In Therapy

Each new stage of parenthood comes with different joys and stressors. The problems that weigh heavily on a parent when raising a toddler or a teen are much different than the ones they face once their kids are grown up.

We asked therapists what issues parents of adult children most often bring up during their sessions. Below, they reveal the top concerns they hear again and again and offer advice on how to work through them.

1. “I’m concerned about what they’re posting on social media.”

A parent may know it’s unreasonable to expect an adult child to share all the details of their lives with mom or dad. Still, parents worry that their child may be secretly struggling with something while they’re kept in the dark, said Atlanta clinical psychologist Zainab Delawalla. These worries are often based on — or exacerbated by — what parents see on their kids’ social media profiles.

“Parents often try to ‘read between the lines’ and worry about if their kids are drinking too much, socializing too little or prioritizing the ‘wrong things’ all based on what they see their kids posting,” Delawalla said.

“I often advise these parents to think about what they see on social media as the ‘headline’ of a news article: It gives you some information about the content of the article but is rarely the full story.”

Here's what parents say about their adult kids in therapy.

NickyLloyd via Getty Images

Here’s what parents say about their adult kids in therapy.

The next step is to have an actual conversation with your kid to gather more information about the potential problem.

“The harder part, of course, is trusting that their kids will give them all of the necessary information,” Delawalla said. “And if they choose not to share a specific aspect of their lives with their parents, that they feel equipped to handle it without the parents’ help.”

2. “What if my kid never finds a partner?”

Some parents of adult children worry when their kid is single passed a certain age. Perhaps their son or daughter wants to be in a relationship but has no serious prospects. Or maybe their kid is quite happily single. In either case, the lack of a long-term partner can be distressing to parents when it feels like everyone else is settling down.

Winifred M. Reilly, a marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, California, often hears comments like these from her clients with adult children: “She’s 33, and the clock is ticking,” “He keeps meeting people who are afraid of commitment,” and “Maybe we weren’t the best role models for marriage. What if it’s our fault?”

“At best, as parents of adult children, we’re in the audience watching a play in which our children have the leading role,” Reilly, author of “It Takes One to Tango,” told HuffPost. “None of us enjoys the helpless feeling of being unable to control things or make things better. Especially when our children are struggling. It’s harder still when we take their difficulties personally.”

“None of us enjoys the helpless feeling of being unable to control things or make things better.”

– Winifred M. Reilly, marriage and family therapist

Reilly’s advice? Take a breath and leave it alone. Repeated questions about the status of their love life will only bug them or make them feel worse than they already do.

3. “Is our relationship too close? Or too distant?”

Navigating the closeness (or lack thereof) of the parent/adult child relationship is a common theme among the clients of Pasadena, California, clinical psychologist Ryan Howes.

“If their child is taking their individuality very seriously and not calling or visiting as much as they would like, the parent is wondering how they can foster more contact,” Howes told HuffPost. “And they may be questioning what they did wrong to make their child want to avoid them.”

He continued: “If their child is failing to launch, is still living at home, or seems dependent on them to make rudimentary decisions, they wonder how they can inspire their children to become their own person and are perhaps questioning what they did wrong to make their child so dependent.”

In either situation, the parent is looking for answers on what the “right” amount of independence or contact is for this stage of life and how to persuade their child to get on board.

Howes explained that there is no universal right or wrong amount of contact — only what works best for a given family’s dynamic.

“Now that their child is an adult, their job is no longer to tell their children what to do, but to have a conversation about it, adult-to-adult,” he said. “They need to start by clarifying what they want and hope for regarding the frequency and depth of contact with their adult children, and then ask their children what they want and hope for, and try to come to an agreement.”

4. “My child is too strict — or too permissive — with their kids.”

For some grandparents, the urge to butt in and voice their opinions on their kid’s parenting style can be hard to tamp down.

“Yep, it is really hard not to say something!” Reilly said. “And that’s exactly what you need to do. This issue is both a parenting and an in-law issue, which makes it extra-high voltage. Parents of young children have to find their way. And they usually find that way by trial and error. Sometimes parents don’t even agree about what’s OK and what’s not for the kids. The last thing you want to do is be taking sides.”

“Supporting them financially, materially and in other ways while they flounder and drift aimlessly is not what love looks like.”

– Kurt Smith, therapist specializing in counseling men

Reilly’s rule of thumb: If your kid asks for parenting advice, offer your two cents. Otherwise, be loving and supportive and keep your opinions to yourself.

5. “I feel like my kid has no direction in life.”

Parents come to Northern California therapist Kurt Smith, who specializes in counseling men, for help when their 20- or 30-something-year-old child doesn’t have consistent employment (even though they’re physically and mentally capable of holding down a job). He walks them through how to set healthy boundaries and helps them acknowledge the role they may have played in the child not being more motivated or independent.

“Supporting them financially, materially, and in other ways, while they flounder and drift aimlessly is not what love looks like,” Smith said. “Instead, it looks like being uncomfortable, child and parents, for however long it takes for the adult child to find their identity and turn that into a direction for their life.”

Also, these adult kids may live with their parents long-term until they’ve found steady employment and some financial stability (or perhaps longer). While this may be a fine — or even preferred — arrangement for some families, it can be a common pain point for others.

“Some recent parents I helped had their 47-year-old son living with them for more than 10 years. He moved back home after his divorce, lost his job, never got another one, and never left,” Smith said. “The biggest issue in these situations is helping the parents redefine what loving an adult child looks like, since most mistake love as still caring for them like they did when the child was an actual child.”

Eventually, these clients could set — and firmly hold — new, healthy expectations for their son. He was able to secure a job and move out on his own.

“He’s been out for a while now and just bought a house,” Smith said. “His parents are thrilled and so proud. He was capable of this the whole time — his parents just needed to get out of the way.”

6. “I worry my kid is making the wrong life decisions.”

Parents often have doubts about their kids’ big life decisions: whether it’s about how they manage their money, what career they pursue, or who they choose to date, Delawalla said.

In these cases, the goal in therapy is to help parents understand that the person best-equipped to make these decisions is the person whose life they impact the most, she said.

“Parents are one step removed from such decisions, and while they may have a different perspective, it is healthier for them to allow their children to have freedom of choice,” Delawalla said. “We discuss how to offer their opinion without imposing their will and not withdrawing their support, whether intentionally or unintentionally if their children’s decisions don’t align with their own.”

7. “I think my kid needs help. When should I intervene?”

This one encompasses several of the abovementioned issues: financial, career, relationship or other stressors can all fall under this umbrella. A parent sees that their child is struggling. Their instinct is to swoop in immediately and bail them out of trouble. While it’s understandable that they want to fix things for their child, this behavior may not be in anyone’s best interest in the long run.

Parents may have the resources, knowledge or experience to remedy the situation. They want to intervene but don’t know when or how to go about it. (And those who don’t have the means to fix things for their kid may feel guilty about it, Howes said).

When dealing with this issue, Howes said he defers to a school philosophy from his kids’ kindergarten days: “We don’t do anything for the kids they can do for themselves.”

“If they can tie their shoes, then the teachers won’t tie them for them,” he said. “If they can clean up after lunch, the teachers won’t clean up after them. This is a solid philosophy. Doing those tasks for them teaches them that 1) the world will take care of the things they don’t want to do, and 2) they aren’t competent, so someone better at the task should take over.”

This applies to young adults, too, Howes said.

“If they are able to figure out a budget, recover from heartbreak, and learn to take care of themselves, then they should have the opportunity to do that, which builds self-confidence and a sense of independence,” he said.

“If they are able to figure out a budget, recover from heartbreak, and learn to take care of themselves, then they should have the opportunity to do that.”

– Ryan Howes, psychologist

Swiftly jumping in to save the day sends the message that the adult child cannot handle the situation on their own and needs Mom or Dad to come to their rescue.

“Of course, there are exceptions” to this, Howes said. “If the adult child truly lacks the ability or resources to manage their own life, then parents and other family members may need to step in. But that is not as frequent as some parents think.”

In therapy, Howes asks the parents to consider why they’re intervening: Is it because their child needs them to? Or is it because they don’t like the uncomfortable feeling of knowing their kid is in a tough spot?

“If it’s about their discomfort,” he said, “then we have some important work to do.”

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What It’s Really Like To Parent When You Have ADHD

ADHD is one of the most common neurodevelopmental disorders in children. According to the charity ADHD UK, it’s thought to impact around 3.62% of boys and 0.85% of girls between the ages of five and 15.

As a result, there’s a lot of helpful research and literature to guide parents who find themselves raising a child with ADHD. However, less is written about parents who themselves have ADHD.

The demographic certainly exists. In fact, while some children no longer display signs of ADHD as adults, it’s estimated that 3.5% of adults in the UK experience ADHD. A small study published in 2016 also found that, of 79 children with ADHD, 41% of their mothers and 51% of their fathers also had the disorder.

To shed some light on the experience of parenting with ADHD, HuffPost spoke to experts about the challenges that parents with ADHD face as they raise children while trying to manage their own symptoms.

ADHD is underdiagnosed in parents.

“Parents are absolutely under or misdiagnosed, as are many adults in general, because there’s still this misunderstanding that ADHD is a ‘kid’ disorder,” said Michigan-based psychotherapist and ADHD coach Terry Matlen, who herself is a parent with the disorder.

Although the perception has been shifting, we still have a long way to go in giving parents and other adults better access to evaluations and treatments. A number of factors contribute to this issue.

“Many ADHD symptoms overlap with the common experience of parenting,” said therapist Rachael Bloom, who practices in Los Angeles. “All parents talk about dealing with being distracted, overwhelmed, overstimulated, etc. Parents who in fact do meet the criteria for a clinical diagnosis of ADHD often talk themselves out of seeking a diagnosis by telling themselves that what they’re experiencing is normal.”

“The executive function challenges of ADHD and the tasks of parenting are like a double whammy, a setup for overwhelm.”

– Dr. Lidia Zylowska, author and psychiatrist

Someone who grew up in the ’80s, ’90s or earlier was less likely to get a proper diagnosis when they were a child than kids are today. So over time, parents with undiagnosed ADHD likely learned ways to compensate for their symptoms or make themselves seem more “normal” to others.

“A lot of adults have learned to ‘mask’ their ADHD symptoms and often function ‘well enough’ on the outside to have symptoms overlooked,” said Billy Roberts, a therapist at Focused Mind ADHD Counselling in Columbus, Ohio. “In addition, ADHD is challenging to diagnose in adulthood, especially if someone is seen by a provider who does not specialise in adult ADHD. Commonly occurring mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety can mimic symptoms of ADHD and often a thorough testing process is needed to confirm the diagnosis.”

As a result, it’s quite common for parents to receive an ADHD evaluation after their child is diagnosed, as they often recognise their own struggles in their kid’s experience.

Parents with ADHD often don't receive a diagnosis until their children are evaluated.

Catherine Ledner via Getty Images

Parents with ADHD often don’t receive a diagnosis until their children are evaluated.

Parents with ADHD may feel like they have to work harder to hold it all together.

“Adults with ADHD can struggle with planning, organisation, prioritising, and focusing in the moment,” Roberts said. “However, for most parents, they find that there isn’t a day that goes by in which they do not need to plan, organise, or problem-solve at a moment’s notice. Consequently, adults with ADHD often feel like they have to work ten times harder to ‘hold it all together,’ as they must compensate for the frustrating parts of ADHD.”

People with ADHD generally have problems with executive function ― the skills related to planning, organisation, time management, decision-making and all the other things it takes to get stuff done.

“As all parents know, having children means managing not just yourself but also your children, often with increased stress or sleep deprivation,” said Dr. Lidia Zylowska, a psychiatrist with the University of Minnesota Medical School and author of “Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD.” “The executive function challenges of ADHD and the tasks of parenting are like a double whammy, a setup for overwhelm.”

In addition to feeling generally underwater, parents with ADHD may feel like they’re unable to pass on organisational skills to their children or teach other lessons.

“Parents tell me, ‘How in the world do I help my child if I can’t help myself?’” Matlen said. “That could include difficulties with their child getting homework done, paying attention in class, etc. The parents suffer the same problems but in a different setting. For example, a mom with ADHD may forget to sign her child’s permission slip for a field trip, while her child may forget to hand in homework.”

They may struggle with emotional regulation.

“The biggest challenge parents with ADHD face are challenges regulating their emotions,” said Cristina Louk, a clinical psychologist based in Washington state who also has ADHD.

She compared the experience to a snow globe. When your emotions run high, things are a bit like a snow globe that has been shaken.

“The image is hidden,” Louk explained. “You can’t see clearly. Things are cloudy. This is what it’s like for ADHDers to experience ‘overwhelm.’ When emotions are high, our brains get cloudy, we can’t see things clearly. This can be really challenging as a parent when we need to tend to our child who may be acting out or experiencing their own emotion dysregulation.”

Reaching this point of overwhelm means you struggle to be fully present and at full capacity. The situation is especially tough if you have a child with ADHD and you both experience this dysregulation at the same time.

“If the child is having a meltdown, the ADHD parent may lose patience quickly or join in the meltdown,” Matlen said. “Patience runs thin.”

“Many ADHD symptoms overlap with the common experience of parenting,” according to therapist Rachael Bloom, including feeling "distracted, overwhelmed, overstimulated, etc."

FG Trade via Getty Images

“Many ADHD symptoms overlap with the common experience of parenting,” according to therapist Rachael Bloom, including feeling “distracted, overwhelmed, overstimulated, etc.”

Sensory overload can be an issue.

“Another area where parents often struggle is sensory overload ― feeling overstimulated, ‘touched out’ ― experiences that are common for all parents, but the severity and impact on a parent with ADHD is much more significant,” Bloom said.

Researchers have started looking into the connection between sensory processing disorder and adults with ADHD. The conditions of living with children can present extra challenges to these adults.

“Many with ADHD are hypersensitive to noise and chaos,” Matlen said. “How does a parent with ADHD manage with a chaotic disorganised house with hyperactive, loud children?”

These struggles bring up feelings of guilt and shame.

“Parents often have a lot of guilt about how their ADHD impacts their children,” Bloom noted.

Being late to school drop-off or pick-up, forgetting to sign a field trip permission slip or otherwise not being organised can affect kids and make parents feel terrible.

“Parents with ADHD may find many aspects of parenting difficult and may not always meet the expectations of what ‘good parent’ is,” Zylowska said. “Such moments can bring up feelings of self-criticism, shame or blame for parents with ADHD and overall increase stress and negative emotions in the family.”

Parents with ADHD may have additional sleep challenges.

Parenthood isn’t typically associated with healthy sleep patterns, but ADHD can make it worse.

“Since I am a parent with ADHD of a now young adult child with ADHD, I can attest to the problems experienced in such families,” Matlen said. “I could write quite a bit about that, and my heart goes out to these families. It is exhausting, which brings me to another topic: sleep issues. We tend to see exhausted parents and children.”

Indeed, studies have suggested that adults with ADHD might be predisposed to sleep issues. They may have problems with the nerve pathways that regulate wakefulness and sleep-wake transitions or biological disruptions to their circadian rhythm. These issues can lead to trouble falling asleep, frequent waking in the night, difficulty waking up and other struggles.

Sleep issues are also common for parents with ADHD.

Davin G Photography via Getty Images

Sleep issues are also common for parents with ADHD.

Conflicts with partners might arise more frequently.

Parenthood presents a whole new set of obstacles for couples to navigate together. When one parent has ADHD, however, this new chapter can feel particularly complicated.

“Conflict over household responsibilities or different parenting styles can arise between the ADHD and the non-ADHD partner,” Zylowska said.

You may take different approaches that feel imbalanced or have trouble understanding your partner’s mindset at times. That’s why it’s extra important to have big conversations about parenting, your shared goals and values, and logistical approaches to raising children together.

Parents with ADHD aren’t always able to take their medication.

Many adults with ADHD have found that medication is an effective way to manage their symptoms and live a more well-balanced life. But this treatment generally isn’t an option for expectant parents.

“Most of that drugs that help people manage their ADHD are contraindicated for pregnancy and breastfeeding,” Bloom said. “So from the minute someone finds out that they’re pregnant, they have to stop taking the medication that they might’ve been on for years and figure out how to manage without any type of pharmacological intervention.”

If you suspect you have ADHD, here’s what to do.

“ADHD is a heritable condition. There is a 50% chance that one of the parents of a child with ADHD also has ADHD,” Louk said. “So, if your child was diagnosed, I would also consider getting an evaluation. I would also advise getting siblings evaluated.”

Even if your child doesn’t have ADHD, talk to your primary care physician if you suspect you might. Look at the signs of ADHD in adults and see how many feel familiar to you.

A full evaluation of your symptoms, family history and other relevant data, as well as psychological testing, can help lead to a diagnosis. And when it comes to ADHD, the diagnosis is a major step toward taking back control of your life.

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