Let me begin with a confession. I was, until yesterday, more upbeat than I had any right to be. Sure: the anti-trans were attacking us. Again. But we were protected. In depth. Like some WWI squaddie cowering in our trenches. First line the Gender Recognition Act (GRA). Second line, the Equality Act (EA). Third line, Human Rights (HR).
Only the enemy sliced through the lot, cutting, in an instant, through the Maginot line of trans hopes and fears. GRA? Boom! Gone. EA protections? Gone. HR. Hanging on by its fingernails – but unlikely to be much use in the short term.
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I wake today to a changed world. One in which I, as a trans woman, may soon find myself forced, when out and about, when staying in a hospital, when working, to venture into spaces populated by a demographic – cis men – that I know, from bitter experience, is dangerous and potentially wishes me harm.
How did we get here? It begins with yesterday’s decision, based on a tautology and, intended or not, a lie. The first, the tautology, is the much-touted claim that they have settled the question of “what is a woman?” Because a woman is defined by ‘biological sex,’ innit? It’s a good soundbite. It is not, though – however much the learned judges may claim otherwise – a definition. Do they mean chromosomes? Boobs? A (functioning) uterus? A birth certificate? They did not say. Though no doubt there will be many suggestions in the days and weeks to come.
Second, they assert that no trans people will be disadvantaged by this ruling. Funny that. For, the torrent of tears in my online feed yesterday, and the long line of trans folk turning up to declare themselves in despair, in pieces, and otherwise broken by this, suggests an entire community would beg to differ.
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“Would you rather spend £250k on defending the rights of an insignificant minority – or saving two more libraries?”
That decision, though, was an inevitability of sorts. Not because it is right. But because I think the strategy of the anti-trans all along has been to swamp the UK with money – dark money, far right money, evangelical money – to reverse what they see as the evil of “gender theory.” Which also includes gay marriage, and women’s rights: they’ll be back for those later.
In addition to funding a massive and professional anti-trans campaign, it also enabled a succession of legal cases. Rarely against trans people directly. Because, if an individual loses a case of this sort, there is always the fallback of arguing it up to the European Court of Human Rights.
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No. Their tactic was to go after bodies that gave expression to protections for trans people as a class. Attack the defender; and in these austere times, many crumbled. Because if you are a cash-strapped public body, would you rather spend £250k on defending the rights of an insignificant minority – or saving two more libraries? Too many fell at this first hurdle and the negative case law mounted up.
Where public bodies have stood their ground, as in the case brought against the Scottish government, the narrowness of British legal procedure means that all too often, trans people were excluded altogether from deliberations on their fate. Before ruling, the Supreme Court heard from the plaintiff, from several other organisations that might justifiably be considered anti-trans, and the Scottish government. And no trans people.
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This has been accompanied by a concerted – and calculated – campaign of misrepresentation across national media. Over the last six or seven years, thousands of stories, homing in, with laser precision on any aspect of transness that showed us in a bad light. From only reporting the “bad trans;” to skewing and shaping what stories came along; to minimising trans points of view and bigging up the slightest of “concerns.”
Meanwhile, press willingness to carry a trans reply to any one of these stories has dwindled from one-liner in the final par to… nothing. They’ve just stopped asking!
The UK press is toxic, and guarded by a watchdog – watchpoodle! – that is all about protecting individual reputation. Not so much on protecting minorities.
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Back in 2013, there was uproar when one well-known columnist referred to trans people as “bed-wetters in bad wigs” and “dicks in chicks’ clothing”. Some took our side. Many more took refuge in simplistic free speech defences. The writer was entitled to speak their mind. Trans people objecting to such language just wanted to control their speech.
Alongside this, we have seen malign politicians, and ineffectual ones. Theresa May unleashed a tidal wave of anti-trans sentiment by proposing a simplification of the gender recognition process in favour of self-identification. She did this without consulting trans people, and chaos in her government allowed a significant anti-trans narrative to gather steam.
She was followed by less well-intentioned actors, who weaponised “common sense.” The demands for opposition leaders to define “what is a woman?” scored points at PM’s questions. Though I am sure that if ever the questions were reversed, the asker would have been equally stumped. As stumped, one might suggest, as a wigs-worth of Supreme Court Judges.
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In this, the anti-trans rhetoric was propped up by a sort of reverse feminism. Demands for protection of “women’s spaces” were amplified, again through national media. Even though feminism historically has taken a much more nuanced view of such gender apartheid with many – the majority? – of early feminists being suspicious of or opposed to the idea.
I hesitated over posting the impact of this decision on trans people. Because I know that some who read this piece will rejoice. Because for them, cruelty is a key ingredient to the mix.
This all follows Trump (2016 version: the upshot of the 2024 version is too horrid to contemplate); plus Brexit. Plus social media, wherein free speech and the right to insult are now near synonymous. Take your pick from that list. Or, if you are a pessimist, tell me we (humans) were ever thus and I need new specs!
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Will this impact me? Probably not much. I am post-retirement, increasingly recluse. For a number of reasons, as much related to personal health as transness. There are few occasions when I venture into spaces impacted by this ruling.
Compared to younger trans and non-binary folk, I am lucky. On the other hand, I doubt this mess will be unpicked in what remains of my lifetime. And if I need extended hospital care in my dotage, I now expect to be forced to suffer the indignity of being placed on a male ward.
Serves me right, I guess, for my earlier excess of optimism.
jane fae is the director of TransActual and chair of Trans Media Watch.
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Help and support:
The Gender Trust supports anyone affected by gender identity | 01527 894 838
Mermaids offers information, support, friendship and shared experiences for young people with gender identity issues | 0208 1234819
LGBT Youth Scotland is the largest youth and community-based organisation for LGBT people in Scotland. Text 07786 202 370
Gires provides information for trans people, their families and professionals who care for them | 01372 801554
Depend provides support, advice and information for anyone who knows, or is related to, a transsexual person in the UK
It was almost the end of the day when I got the email from HR. They’d finished their investigation. The words were cold, clipped, and final: the rating would be upheld.
I stared at the screen, feeling the weight of that first-ever mark against my stellar, decade-long career. I didn’t cry or yell. I just sat there in stunned silence, trying to figure out how I went from a very strong performer to “mostly effective” in the span of three months.
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The very next morning, seconds after I logged in, I got a ping from my boss. She wanted to discuss my training of another department.
One of the complaints I filed with HR was the unreasonable ask my boss made of me to train another department. And she needed me to know that she knew, the moment I logged in, that nothing would be done, and my concerns weren’t taken seriously. She was revelling in my defeat.
That same day, she scheduled a meeting with the other department head to discuss next steps for me to train — ironically, the very team and department that were supposed to support me. Less than 24 hours later, I was in the emergency room.
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That hospital visit and the subsequent medical leave weren’t just about one email or one toxic boss. It was about everything I’d learned, quietly, painfully, about what it means to be a Black woman in corporate America. Years of shapeshifting. Contorting. Code-switching. High achievement. Overperforming. Constantly bracing for feedback that always seemed to have a double meaning.
Those final months before I called it quits felt like an unraveling. But really, they were a revelation. Because that’s when I started to understand the game I’d been playing all along. Not because anyone taught me the rules, but because I kept getting penalised for breaking them.
Rule #1: Nobody talks about playing the game.
During my medical leave that became my exit, I’d go on morning walks to clear my head before therapy. And it was on one of those walks that a memory hit me like a brick.
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I was in the hallway with a colleague, offering guidance on how to navigate a challenging dynamic she found herself in with our manager. I thought I was being helpful. She cut me off mid-sentence, smirked, and said, “I’m not like you. You know how to play the game, and you play it well.”
I remember chuckling in surprise, but inside, something cracked. That line came rushing back to me during that walk, and suddenly, everything clicked. She was right. We’re all playing a game, but no one ever says that out loud. And if you don’t know you’re playing, you’re bound to get played. Just like I did.
What she saw as gameplay, I saw as survival. I wasn’t scheming. I was assimilating. Shrinking. Smiling through meetings, I wanted to scream in. Rewriting emails three times to avoid sounding “aggressive,” even when I was calling out real issues.
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No one pulled me aside and said, “Here’s how it works for people like us.” There’s no onboarding guide for Black women in corporate spaces. But you learn. You learn when to speak. How to sound. How to disappear just enough to be non-threatening, but not so much that they forget your value. It’s a balancing act so exhausting that even your wins feel like survival, not success.
Rule #2: There are no spectators.
That memory was followed by another. This one was in a leadership meeting. After the meeting, I had my one-on-one with my boss, where she told me, “You don’t always have to have all the answers. You can let someone else speak, even if they’re wrong.”
Translation: It wouldn’t hurt you to be quiet.
So I did. I decided to fall back and give others space. I bit my tongue even when I knew the guidance being given was flat-out wrong. But then I got called out for that, too. “You don’t seem engaged,” was the feedback.
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It was like trying to find traction on a moving walkway. Step forward? Too much. Step back? Not enough. That’s when I learned: there are no spectators in this game. As a Black woman, you’re always performing. Even silence is seen as a choice, a signal, a strike.
Others could sit back and still be seen as thoughtful. I was expected to be brilliant without being bossy. Warm without being weak. Present but never overpowering.
There is no neutral ground for us. You are either doing too much or not enough. And both are equally punishable.
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Rule #3: Their best is your mediocre.
As I continued to walk, I thought back to when the department was restructured and I began reporting to the same boss, the one who thought I had “too many answers.” The dust had barely settled before the complaints about me started rolling in. People were upset because I was following the rules.
And it wasn’t lost on me that the complaints came from colleagues who didn’t look like me and had never been held to the same standard. They didn’t want accountability. They wanted shortcuts. And I wouldn’t give them that.
My boss began looping me in on the complaints. “I just want you to be aware of what’s being said,” she’d tell me. I’d ask, “Is this something I did wrong, or just that I’m following the process?” Her response was always the same: “I’m not saying I believe them. I’m just keeping you informed.”
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But she said it often enough that it didn’t matter.
Eventually, I started documenting everything. Missed steps. Skipped approvals. Backdoor decisions. And when I started clapping back at each complaint, withreceipts, her tone shifted.
“You need to stop worrying about what other people are doing. That’s just the peanut gallery,” she said.
I laughed. Not loud. Just the kind of laugh that bubbles up when you realize the game is rigged and nobody’s even pretending otherwise.
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“So when they report me, it’s accountability, but when I report them, I need to rise above?” I asked.
She didn’t flinch with her response: “You’re being held to a higher standard.”
Same title. Same pay grade. But I was the one expected to rise above it all even when I was right. Even when I was the one being targeted.
That’s what they don’t tell you. “Higher standards” don’t come with higher rewards. Just less room to breathe. And a constant, grinding reminder that your excellence will never be enough if it makes anyone else uncomfortable.
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Rule #4: There can only be one.
The sting of those memories reminded me of a deeper heartbreak. One I didn’t want to admit still hurt. Because the toughest rule for me to swallow didn’t come from white colleagues, it came from the only other Black woman in the room. When I joined this department, which was fated to be my last, I was cautiously optimistic. I was excited to learn I had a fellow Black colleague I’d be working with. She was already established: respected, trusted, technically sharp. I thought, maybe finally, I won’t have to be the only one. Maybe we can do this together.
At first, it felt like a possibility. But the more I contributed, the more I noticed the shift. Colder emails. Shorter replies. My ideas were dismissed or blocked outright. At first, I thought it was about process. But then I realised she didn’t see me as an ally, but as competition.
And that’s when I learned the next rule: There can only be one. If there’s one of us already in the room, there’s a quiet assumption that adding another is one too many. We’re taught to compete for scraps instead of expanding the table. To protect our place instead of inviting others in. Corporate culture trained us to guard our proximity to power like it’s a seat at a table that only ever has one chair.
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Photo Courtesy Of Nicole S.Palmer
The author ringing in her 45th birthday at a popular local restaurant.
Rule #5: The goalposts will keep shifting.
That painful memory made me think of another corporate constant: the endless shifting of what “good enough” looks like.
“You’ve done everything you need to do. The rest is up to us.”
That’s what every executive told me when I asked what it would take to get promoted. I had the metrics. The pedigree. The wins. So I waited.
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And then the goalposts moved.
Suddenly, I was “too direct.” “Not collaborative enough.” “Hard to manage.” “Unprofessional.”
I hadn’t changed. Their comfort with my success had. They loved me useful. But they couldn’t handle me shining too brightly.
That’s the lesson: The system will pretend to reward you, right up until the moment you actually start winning or surpassing the very people who were cheering you on in the first place.
Rule #6: Shade is inevitable.
Then I remembered another instance. After yet another 18-hour day, I met with my boss the following morning for a quick reconnect. I told her how people were amazed I was still upright. My go-to response to them was “sheer will.”
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“Well, given your Jamaican background and how your people are, I’m not surprised,” I was told by my boss in response.
I laughed, hoping it would mask how incredibly offended I was by her words. In that moment, I wasn’t a person. I was a trope. Strong. Tireless. Workhorse.
Shade doesn’t always come with bitter words or snide commentary. Sometimes it’s smiling. Sometimes it’s subtle. But it always reminds you that no matter how much you produce, you’ll still be boiled down to a stereotype.
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Rule #7: Ain’t nobody coming to save you.
As I headed home, I replayed the tape. I saw all the warning signs long before the ER visit. The quiet exclusions. The polite dismissals. The endless “feedback.”
But I stayed.
I stayed because I thought I could outwork the politics. That my loyalty would matter. That someone would see what was happening and step in.
They didn’t.
That final year was a slow burn of gaslighting and emotional erosion. And when I medically checked out, so did they. My decade of service meant absolutely nothing.
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I wish I’d known then what I know now: You are your own rescue.
Not HR. Not leadership. Not mentorship programs. Just you, deciding that the game isn’t worth your safety, your sanity, or your soul.
The day HR upheld that performance review didn’t break me. It revealed me. It showed me that my silence wasn’t protection, it was complicity. That my value didn’t come from how well I adapted to dysfunction. That believing I had to earn fair treatment was the most dangerous lie of all.
Now, when I look back, I don’t focus on what I could have done differently or regret I stayed. Well, not as much as before. Mostly, I see the lessons I learned. I see the awakening.
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And if naming these unspoken rules helps even one Black woman pull the ripcord before she reaches her breaking point, then I’ve done what the system never did for me.
Nicole S. Palmer is a best-selling author, founding partner of independent publishing company Delnic Media, and host of 5-star rated podcast Black Womaning in Corporate America™. When she isn’t writing, she’s speaking, and she’s usually talking about race, identity and equity.
“I believe autism shows up to everyone differently, no matter the gender,” TikTok star and body positivity advocate Miah Carter tells HuffPost UK.
Still, she says, “I 100% believe schools are still really unequipped when it comes to understanding autism. I think a lot of girls, like myself, mask their struggles really well. It can get completely missed.”
“Autistic women and girls may be better at masking their difficulties in order to fit in with their peers and have a more even profile of social skills in general,” they shared in their advice for teachers; autistic girls are diagnosed at a later age, on average, than autistic boys.
“For me, things like being overstimulated or shutting down were just seen as me being ‘dramatic’ or ‘too sensitive,’” Miah, diagnosed at six, continues.
“I wasn’t being listened to, I was being labelled. Teachers often dismiss signs as just being shy, rude, or moody, and that can be really damaging.”
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So, we thought we’d speak to experts about how schools might misunderstand signs of autism in general, and among autistic girls more specifically.
“Most don’t receive extensive training in neurodiversity”
Dr Erin Lamb, CEO and president of the Gateway School for students with autism, developmental disabilities, and communication disorders, says: “Teachers are often on the front lines of early developmental observation, but most don’t receive extensive training in neurodiversity or how autism can present differently from the traditional (and often male-centred) clinical profile.”
This can make autism hard to spot, she says, “especially in cases where the child is highly verbal, academically capable, or able to ‘mask’ their challenges – traits often seen in girls.
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“So while many teachers care deeply and observe thoughtfully, systemic gaps in training and awareness can lead to missed or delayed identification of autism.”
Meanwhile, Dr Ray Romanczyk from the Institute for Childhood Development at Binghamton University says: “You can’t make everyone an expert.
“And autism, especially in girls, is one of those things where the range of presentation can be from the very subtle to the very clear, and so to expect perfect identification by other than experts is really a hard goal to achieve,” he continues.
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So, while he thinks “we can do a lot more where education comes in,” the expert stresses that “so much pressure has been put on educators to identify everything.
“It’s very difficult, and the younger the child, the more subtle, the more difficult.”
It’s not about blame
Autistic therapist and founder of The Sensitive Empowerment Community, Julie Bjelland, says: “It’s not about blame – it’s about awareness. We can do better when we understand more.”
“Most teachers aren’t trained to see autism outside the classic presentation,” she adds. “And schools are overwhelmed.”
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Still, she recommends, “Don’t assume that quiet means OK. Or that good grades mean thriving. Many autistic students work so hard just to survive the school day. And when they get home, they fall apart from the effort of holding it all in.”
Miah tells HuffPost UK that improvements need to happen beyond the stage of spotting signs of autism.
“We need more training in schools, more patience, and way more understanding of neurodiversity,” she shares.
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As Dr Romanczyk says, it’s not always possible for teachers to diagnose and accurately spot every instance of autism; nonetheless, experts all seem to agree that increased patience and improved training can make the experiences of autistic people easier.
This week, Katy Perry and five other women, including broadcaster Gayle King, movie producer Kerianne Flynn and journalist Lauren Sánchez, were on the first all-woman space flight since 1963.
The flight has garnered a lot of criticism – not least because it only lasted 11 minutes – and for something that Katy hoped would be a moment for feminism, it falls flat in an era of rising misogyny and concerns of America becoming an oligarchy.
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Katy herself said in an interview with Elle: “Space is going to finally be glam. Let me tell you something.
“If I could take glam up with me, I would do that. We are going to put the ‘ass’ in astronaut.”
While it is hard to think of anything more ‘glam’ than space – it is literally filled with stars – most of us don’t have the capacity to even worry about being glam or even this surface-level feminism in the face of our current climate.
Why Katy Perry’s space flight does very little for feminism
The flight, which took place on a billionaire Jeff Bezos-owned Blue Origin rocket, is not cheap. While price of a ticket isn’t available as public knowledge a deposit for this flight comes in at around $150,000.
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When contrasted with the cost of living for many women in America, this is a little unfathomable.
According to the US Government Accountability Office: “Women are more likely to be concentrated in low-wage jobs, be responsible for caregiving, and experience sexual harassment and assault.
“Additionally, the United States has the highest rates of maternal death of developed countries, with U.S. maternal mortality rates increasing when rates have decreased globally.”
Both the financial and emotional burden of being a woman in America is staggering.
While Katy and her billionaire besties don’t represent us, they are also patronising us when touting their space tourism as anything other than a vanity project.
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Many people are criticising the flight
Author Emily Ratajkowski criticised the flight, saying on TikTok: “This is beyond parody.
“Look at the state of the world and think about how many resources went into putting these women into space. For what? What was the marketing there? I’m disgusted.”
Activist Nina Turner posted on X saying: “If Jeff Bezos can send Katy Perry into space, he can pay a wealth tax so every American has debt-free healthcare.”
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It appears that this flight hasn’t taken off with the average woman the way that Katy had hoped it would.
She said in an Instagram post: “I work hard to live my life that way still, and I am motivated more than ever to be an example for my daughter that women should take up space (pun intended).
“That’s why this opportunity is so incredible – so that I can show all of the youngest and most vulnerable among us to reach for the stars, literally and figuratively.”
“Runners,” a Redditor asked the members of r/london a couple of months ago, “Why are you all wearing running vests now?”.
The site user, who says they’ve noticed joggers donning the equipment for five and 10k runs, added: “I live in zone 2, it’s hardly the Alps.”
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They’re not alone. Women’s Health recently wrote about the “running vest police”: a small but vocal group of runners who feel that wearing the garment, which often contains water “bladders” or carb-rich gels, should only be used for “real” long runs or runners who speed along at what they feel is a decent pace.
I could mock their judgemental comments, but I’ll be honest; I am a recovering ego runner, who previously figured that the longer I could go without the addition, the more “serious” I was. Mind you, I am the definition of a hobbyist.
That mistake meant it took me far longer than it should have to complete my first marathon because I wasn’t hydrated enough to train beyond 20km, and was too embarrassed to bring adequate water for distances I didn’t feel were long enough.
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So, I spoke to experts about when you really need to wear a vest; and why you should be wiser than I was when ignoring the jogging jury.
“This decision is down to the runner”
Running coach and competitive runner James Rodgers says “when running for an hour or 90 minutes, most runners will benefit from having some water” and/or energy boosters, like gels.
“However, it is down to the individual,” the coach continues. Everything from the weather to your pace, sweat rate, and usual water needs affects that rate too.
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For him, “having an energy gel at the hour point of my 90-minute to two-hour long run has significantly helped with my recovery post-run.” He recommends experimenting to find what works for you.
Meanwhile running coach Alexa Duckworth-Briggs of We Run says: “Ignore running vest snobbery every person should feel comfortable wearing whatever they like for a run, whether it’s a short training run or a half or full marathon.”
After all, she shares, “staying hydrated when running is crucial, not only for health but also for performance.”
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“A quick rule of thumb for hydration is to drink to thirst; if you’re thirsty, you need to drink something, and if you’re not you probably don’t,” she adds.
However you feel, though, she doesn’t see the point of letting ‘anyone else’s judgement change what’s best for you.’
We might do well to curate our sources of running information a bit better
Etiquette pro and many-time marathon and triathlon participant, Jo Hayes of Etiquette Expert, says that she isn’t “part of any online running groups.”
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So, while she doesn’t like to wear a vest personally (opting for water stations instead), she adds: “I think people do well not to listen to half the chatter on the running advice groups/pages.
“It can put ideas in your head about what’s right or wrong, and really, it’s just one person’s opinion/perspective/experience. Again, everyone is different. If you feel you need a hydration pack, use one. If you don’t, don’t.”
If I’d listened to her advice sooner, I reckon I’d have more marathons under my belt by now…
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That might have got me down if I’d bought full-price electronics in the past nine years (I’ve wanted to gift my partner a PS5 for ages), but I haven’t, so it didn’t.
I have relied on second-hand sites like refurbished electronics company Back Market for ages now.
Not only are they cheaper, but they’re kinder to the planet; and Back Market, my favourite since about 2022, allows you to trade in your old tech for their verified refurbished tech too.
I have previously traded in an unwanted old phone to help me cover the (already discounted) cost of a laptop, for instance.
After all, the company has rigorous rules for their Verified Refurbished products. In the case of gaming consoles, that means they’re given a full reset and data scrub, checked to make sure they’re not stolen or locked, and tested by industry pros.
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So it’s no wonder my partner (who’s a sterner judge than me on this front) wouldn’t have known the console was second-hand unless I’d told him; and if he had noticed something off, he’d have been covered by the company’s Verified Refurbished one-year warranty and free 30-day returns policy.
That’s only one impressive tech deal, though. I’ve bought phones, the aforementioned laptop, my smartwatch, and even a hot air styler and coffee machine from the site before; discounts can run as high as 50% compared to new.
I like the fact that I can choose the condition my tech’s in (I wanted an “excellent” laptop, but was more than happy with a “good” smartwatch, for which I don’t have many demands).
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As someone who’s been all over refurbished tech pretty much as soon as I started buying my own electronics, though, the thing that keeps bringing me back to Back Market is the quality. I simply haven’t found anywhere else whose refurbished products are as reliably good.
So, whether you’re after beauty or gaming tech or just fancy an upgraded phone, I reckon you can’t save much more for a professionally refurbished deal.
“Boy, you almost did something really dumb,” I chastised myself when I logged off my computer one day last week.
I thought of all the people I read or hear about who fall for the grandparent scams or the one that goes something like, “We’re the FBI, and your account has been hacked. Withdraw the rest of your money, put it in a shoebox, and we’ll come and get it and keep it safe for you.”
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How could anyone not have heard about these scams, I‘ve wondered. They’re all over the news. And then I, too, almost fell for one ― a fake job offer.
I hadn’t read much about employment scams because, stupidly, I never thought I’d run into one. I just wanted one or two more part-time clients for my freelance writing business, and the Indeed job board frequently had some possibilities. Also, I had just deleted two early career positions to shave a few years off my age after seeing the suggestion in a magazine. So when I skimmed the subject lines of my incoming email that morning and saw a positive-sounding email about a position, my only thought was that revising my resume had worked. And so quickly!
I received confirmation messages whenever I applied to gigs, so I didn’t pay much attention to the subject line until I realised — thought — an actual company was getting back to me. I had been looking at part-time copy editing and proofreading jobs, and voila! a health care company was interested in my qualifications and just wanted me to take a proofreading test.
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The business name used was that of an actual company, but I had applied to so many health systems over the previous months that I didn’t think to check further into job titles at the company or email addresses, for example. I was tired of hunting for work, so I was multitasking that morning and not paying enough attention.
When I opened the email for the job, I met “Caroline,” a woman from HR who gave me the test and said she wanted to meet over Teams. No alarm bells rang. I use Teams all the time. I took the test, and later that afternoon she got back to me and reported I passed with flying colours. I didn’t find it as difficult as one I had taken for another health system — which I didn’t pass. Most of the questions were general and easy, like, “Why is proofreading so important when it comes to health system material?” I convinced myself that was an OK question, like the company might have wanted to know if candidates realised patients may be reading life-threatening medical directions, for example.
The HR woman then launched into more information, including about the company culture and benefits, and even sent me information on the latter and asked me to sign the form to indicate I’d read it and then send it back. I did send it, but not before I questioned her on the statement about full-time work, reminding her I wanted the part-time role also advertised. I asked to see the job post again — I couldn’t find it on Indeed anymore — and she said it had been taken down. Much later, I realised there likely had been no job post for this scam position.
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“About the full-time reference … everyone has to work on staff for the first three months,’’ she said.
“After that you can request a different arrangement. You’ll also start with five days of training, paid, of course,” she added.
Then she returned to spouting information, such as how my skills fit the job perfectly and that she’d introduce me to the supervisor I’d report to before we were done. She praised my experience again, and I complained to my husband that the process was taking too long. He asked, “Are you sure it’s not a scam?” I shot him a look that meant I was too smart to fall for that.
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On the second day of my onboarding, the woman asked if I had a certain model Mac, with very specific specifications, and at least six types of software I’d be using.
“No,” I told her, and I levelled with her. “I don’t think the job is for me. I don’t use a Mac, I don’t know how, and I’m not familiar with any of the software you mentioned.”
“That’s OK,” she answered. “You’ll learn it all in training. You might want to look at some of the tools tonight before tomorrow’s training.”
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“Wow, it starts right away?” I wondered. I wasn’t crazy about that.
“Now, we’ll have our vendors send you all this, and we’ll send you a check to pay them,” Caroline wrote.
BINGO. That’s a hallmark of many scams.
Now it all fell into place. I went back and checked the email from which she had written me a few times: caroline@healthcarecompanyus.com. (I’ve changed the name of the actual company.) The “US” on the end was a big clue that this was a scam. Then I looked more closely at her name and the supposed supervisor’s name. Caroline Brown and Linda Smith. Another big mistake on their part, using such generic names (except if you were oblivious, like me). Their names hadn’t even registered initially. My stomach dropped. I checked LinkedIn.
“Uh, Caroline, neither you nor Linda are on LinkedIn,” I interrupted.
She took a minute to answer. “Oh, I wiped everything from LinkedIn when my husband died,” she said.
“No … any top HR person and a supervisor at a big health company are going to have a profile on LinkedIn,” I responded, letting her know I was on to her.I stopped communicating with her after that.
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At that point the grammar in her text messages changed and someone with poor English took over. The new scammer offered me a signing bonus of $600 and said I’d receive an email the next morning with information on the items I’d be receiving along with strict instructions on how to deposit the paycheque to pay for them. A “paycheque” to pay for items made no sense. I deleted everything related to the scam, starting with what they said was their Teams account.
I had broken some cardinal rules I would find on the internet about employment scams and some that I realised myself. A few of these are:
Do not meet on Teams or in a chat room or the like. Get a valid company phone number.
Make sure you see the hiring manager’s face and talk to the person and hear their voice.
Check the person’s profile on LinkedIn.
Do not give banking or other personal information until you are further along in the hiring process and it makes sense to do so.
Be wary of excessive praise.
Never accept a check to pay for items you need for a job.
If something feels odd, trust your gut.
I emailed media relations at the real health care company and also an executive there that I found on LinkedIn. I thought they might want to know about these people and take it further, if possible. No one wrote back. I contacted Indeed as well, and an employee there emailed me and offered suggestions. The one that stood out was to call the police if I had lost money. Thank goodness I hadn’t. For as much as my ego was bruised, I can take solace in that.
These scammers groomed me for the better part of two days. I can count even more red flags in our conversations, but I would rather not rehash everything else I overlooked. It’s embarrassing. For example, remember the “Indeed Job Invite” subject line I mentioned? I seem to recall an exclamation point at the end of “Invite.” What actual company would include an exclamation point in such a message or even use that phrase? I can’t believe I breezed past it. And any mail should have come from the actual health care company.
I try not to beat myself up too much over this incident. I’m a perfect example of how people can be vulnerable in this economy, especially if they’re in a rapidly shrinking field (such as journalism, mine) or if they’re at an age where they’re worried about age discrimination.
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Still, I admit it, I felt stupid after escaping the con artists. Initially I thought I could never tell anyone about what I had done, and I was sure I would not want to write about it. Then I threw caution to the wind and thought, “What the heck. It happened, and I learned several lessons (like pay more attention when it comes to job hunting — duh).”
Because of my experience, I’m a little more humble about the truism “everyone makes mistakes.” Now that I’ve walked in the shoes of job hunters caught, or almost caught, in a scammer’s web, I better understand how someone can go down this path, besides the reasons I’ve already listed. The desire to work at home — or to continue to work at home when companies are calling people back to the office — can be a big one. Or, surely there is a good number of people who’d give anything to own their own business or be their own boss, as some of the scammers advertise. People who find themselves in a situation like this are not stupid. They are human, with human desires that have a big pull. Maybe my story can help others recognise this, also.
When Seeley Lutz, a 26-year-old from Alexandria, Virginia, feels overwhelmed — either in a social situation or by all she has to get done — she said she feels like her body starts to shut down.
“I often feel like there’s something heavy sitting atop my chest or blocking my airways, leaving me unable to breathe,” Lutz said. “It truly feels like you’re suffocating even when there’s plenty of oxygen available.”
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What she’s experiencing — and what many people experience — is called “air hunger.” John Scott Haldane and James Lorrain Smith coined the term in a 1892 paper. And it’s a common symptom of anxiety, although people rarely talk about how it feels ― or even know that it has a name.
Simply put, air hunger is the feeling that you can’t get enough air. From a medical standpoint, it’s referred to as dyspnea. When anxiety causes it, it’s tied to the “fight or flight” response.
“When we perceive a threat, whether real or imagined, the brain signals the body to enter fight-or-flight mode,” explained Gayle Watts, a clinical psychologist with Turning Tides Psychology. “This activates the sympathetic nervous system, which increases heart rate, tenses muscles and alters breathing patterns.”
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To the body, a threat isn’t always as primal or life-threatening as being chased by a bear. It can also be giving a presentation, experiencing a trauma trigger or anything in between.
When your sympathetic nervous system is activated, you may hyperventilate or breathe too quickly or shallowly. That’s where the feeling like you can’t get enough air comes in.
And unfortunately, what may feel instinctual can make matters worse. “Paradoxically, the more we focus on our breathing and try to ‘fix’ it, the more we reinforce the cycle of anxiety and air hunger,” Watts added.
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Anxiety and air hunger can become cyclical: You feel anxious, so you experience air hunger, and then struggling to breathe triggers more anxiety. You may then become anxious about, well, feeling anxious, rather than the original threat.
Kyle Elliott, a tech career coach who has anxiety disorders and lives in Santa Barbara, California, has experienced this firsthand. “The stress of the situation caused further anxiety and panic, which only made it seemingly more difficult to breathe,” he said. “I’ve never experienced something so scary before.”
What exactly is behind that? “Anxiety can amplify the perception of breathing difficulties by increasing attention to respiratory sensations, sometimes even when there is no actual physiological distress,” said Harry Cohen, a psychologist and author of ”Be The Sun, Not The Salt.” “The bottom line is that it appears very real to us and feels bad.”
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The good news is it won’t last forever. “Air hunger typically subsides relatively quickly,” said Jenelle Thompson-Keene, a licensed professional counsellor with Thriveworks in Champaign, Illinois, specialising in anxiety, coping skills and stress.
If it happens frequently, is intense, or lasts longer than a couple of minutes, or is accompanied by chest pain or nausea, she encouraged seeking help from a professional. Otherwise, the coping skills below should do the trick.
Ekaterina Goncharova via Getty Images
There are a few therapist-backed ways to manage air hunger and your anxiety.
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How To Manage Air Hunger
Several physical and mental techniques can calm your body in mere moments. Here are some examples the mental health clinicians shared:
Expose yourself to cold temperatures.
Going outside on a colder day, washing your hands with cold water, taking a cold shower and even dunking your face in a bowl of ice water can calm your anxiety. Thompson-Keene explained it can slow your heart rate. Basically — and at least in the case of dunking your face — you’re triggering the “dive reflex.”
Ground yourself with your senses.
Another way to manage anxiety — and therefore air hunger — is by getting in touch with your five senses with the 5-4-3-2-1 technique.
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“Try naming five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste,” Watts said. “This brings your awareness back to the present moment and helps disrupt anxious thought patterns.”
Change your posture.
Even in comfortable positions and when air hunger isn’t an issue, you may not be able to breathe as well. So, it’s especially important to be mindful of how you’re sitting during an air hunger “attack.”
“Sitting hunched over can create a sense of restriction, making air hunger feel worse,” Watts said. “If you’re struggling with breathlessness, try sitting up straight or standing and rolling your shoulders back to open up your chest.”
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Do a breathing exercise or technique.
As Watts mentioned, people may try to take deeper breaths when they’re experiencing air hunger — it’s only instinctual. And it can make symptoms worse.
“Instead, slowing your breathing and focusing on a structured pattern can help rebalance oxygen and carbon dioxide levels,” she said.
Watts encouraged the 4-7-8 technique: Inhale through your nose for four seconds, hold your breath for seven seconds, then exhale slowly through your mouth for eight seconds.
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“This helps activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which signals to your body that you are safe and can relax,” Watts added.
Cohen also suggested controlled breathing exercises, such as diaphragmatic breathing. Essentially, that technique is about taking deep breaths, feeling your stomach rise as you inhale and sink as you exhale.
“Studies show that focusing on breath patterns enhances respiratory stability and reduces the unpredictability that often fuels panic,” he said.
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Try cognitive reframing.
This cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) skill encourages changing your perspective to be more realistic and helpful.
In the case of air hunger, it might look like this: “Air hunger is a perception, not a true lack of oxygen.”
“By understanding the role of the brain in amplifying sensations, people can learn to reinterpret the experience as non-threatening, reducing the emotional distress associated with it,” Cohen explained.
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Repeat a positive mantra.
One Thompson-Keene suggested was “I’m safe and this will pass.”
She added, “It is a way to help ground your mind and body in the present moment.”
Practice mindfulness-based stress reduction.
This toolkit is similar to some of the other tips. In practice, it might look like breath awareness, body scans and mindful movement.
Its usefulness is research-backed, too. Cohen said it “has been shown to decrease anxiety by improving one’s ability to interpret bodily sensations accurately, reducing the tendency to catastrophise normal fluctuations in breathing.”
Further, a study in JAMA Psychiatry found it as effective as the gold-standard drug, escitalopram, for patients with anxiety disorders.
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Give yourself a ‘butterfly hug.’
This technique incorporates breathing and cross-body tapping, Thompson-Keene said, which many find helpful. She shared this YouTube video that explains how to do it. In short, put your left hand on your right arm and vice versa. Then, tap your arms, focus on breathing, and repeat positive mantras to yourself.
Lutz is a fan of this one. “I’ve found that butterfly hugs sometimes help with this feeling, which is great,” she said.
Whichever tip you use, and however long it takes to work, remember you will survive this, too.
“In a very short period of time, you should be feeling much better,” Cohen said. “Remember, what you’re feeling does feel unpleasant, but it will soon pass.”
Dealing with a narcissist, or even any kind of antagonistic person, can be challenging to say the least. It’s hard to communicate effectively with someone who actually isn’t committed to conflict resolution.
Enter the “grey rock method.” This strategy offers a helpful way to protect your peace while navigating interactions with difficult people, particularly narcissists.
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So what exactly is the grey rock method? Below, experts break it down.
What is the grey rock method?
“The grey rock method is a communication strategy intended to minimise conflict and drama from narcissists and other high-conflict people,” Virginia Gilbert, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told HuffPost. “Think of a simple grey rock that’s so nondescript-looking that it almost fades into the background. It doesn’t engender an emotional response from the viewer. Essentially, you want to ‘be’ that grey rock and communicate in a manner that’s as ‘boring’ as possible ― keeping things brief, sticking to facts and avoiding anything that comes across as emotional so you don’t unwittingly invite drama from your high-conflict person.”
People tend to try this method when they have to interact with someone who stirs up chaos and drama and blames them for things, whether it’s an ex-spouse, an emotionally immature parent or someone else in their life.
“Your responses include statements like ‘Yes,’ ‘No,’ ‘That’s interesting,’ or ‘We’ll see,’” said Chelsey Brooke Cole, a psychotherapist specialising in narcissistic abuse. “You don’t share about your ups and downs, or highs and lows. You don’t talk about your emotions, goals, dreams, hopes or aspirations.”
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Basically, don’t give a manipulative person anything they can use against you in the future. Avoid providing “narcissistic supply” ― which is the attention, validation, emotional response, drama or anything that fuels their inflated sense of self and power. The goal is to be dull and unengaging.
“In some ways, it’s similar to how certain animals feign death to avoid being attacked by predators ― the predator loses interest when there’s no chase. Similarly, by presenting as unreactive and emotionally flat, the narcissist often becomes bored and may eventually stop engaging altogether,” said Hannah Alderete, a licensed mental health counsellor and the author of “Break Free From Narcissistic Mothers: A Step-by-Step Workbook for Ending Toxic Behaviour, Setting Boundaries, and Reclaiming Your Life.”
What are the benefits of using this method?
“If you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic person, you know how draining it can be,” said licensed marriage and family therapist Natalie Moore. “Implementing the grey rock method can help you take your personal power back in the relationship. If you’ve tried communicating your needs directly with the person or tried setting firm boundaries to no avail, the gray rock method can be a great last-ditch effort to create distance between yourself and the narcissist.”
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When you stop allowing yourself to be used as narcissistic supply, they will likely disengage from you. “Grey rocking” is also a great way to de-escalate conflict and protect yourself in toxic or abusive dynamics.
“It can be especially useful in short-term or unavoidable interactions ― like a phone call, family gathering, or any situation where you sense manipulation or baiting,” Alderete said.
Keeping your responses to them short, factual and limited to the scope of what you need to discuss with a narcissist is also a form of boundary-setting in itself. Going grey rock creates emotional distance and minimises the amount of personal information you give the other person.
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“This is important because narcissists use what they know about you to manipulate you more effectively,” Cole said. “For example, if a narcissist knows you’ve been betrayed in previous relationships, they’ll claim you have ‘trust issues’ when you call them out on their inconsistencies. Narcissists also love baiting you into long conversations because this is how they feel powerful and in control. Without grey rocking, you end up engaging, explaining and defending yourself a lot more than you wanted to, which only feeds their ego and feeling of superiority.”
Johnce / Getty Images
“Grey rocking” is also a great way to de-escalate conflict and protect yourself in toxic or abusive dynamics.
By refusing to take the bait or display an emotional reaction, you limit their ammunition and ability to hit your pain points. Cole compared the narcissist’s new situation to throwing a dart with a blindfold on ― they might hit the bullseye, but their odds are significantly lower.
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“The grey rock method is particularly useful in the early stages of separating from an abusive partner or during volatile exchanges. It can also be helpful with toxic coworkers or colleagues,” said Tina Swithin, author of “Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle.”
When you’re facing a conflict with someone at work or engaged in a legal dispute, the grey rock method can allow you to keep your correspondence civil ― which can be useful if it ends up in front of a judge or the HR department. You want to ensure you come across as reasonable.
“The other benefit is that, over time, it will relieve you of the toxic hope that anything you could ever say will give the high-conflict person in your life an epiphany, or get them to see your side of things,” Gilbert said. “Clinging to this hope can make you miserable, which can then lead you to fire off an overly dramatic email in a burst of frustration.”
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Even just one angry email from you gives them something to point to as “proof” that you’re the bad guy and they’re the true victim, she added.
“Initially, you might feel that you’re placating the high-conflict person in your life by using the grey rock method,” Gilbert said. “But if using it over time helps you detach from their craziness, feel calmer and focus on people who are good for you, that’s a huge win for you.”
Are there any downsides?
“Grey rocking is not a sustainable long-term strategy, as it can become emotionally and psychically draining to dull yourself down repeatedly,” Alderete said.
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She believes this temporary fix is best used sparingly, in time-limited interactions or as a last resort when you need to conserve your energy.
“Individuals who pride themselves in their own self-growth and healing journey may feel as though grey rocking is a Band-Aid solution versus actually addressing a deeper relationship issue,” Moore said. “You may need to consider a more complete plan to handle the narcissist, such as setting boundaries or disengagement.”
She added that implementing this method can also make some folks feel uncomfortable and inauthentic. People pleasers and fawners might experience guilt or anxiety.
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“If you’re the type of person who is generally an open book and enjoys sharing themselves with others, it might feel very awkward or unnatural to be so ‘blah.’” Moore said.
Keep in mind that some narcissists might actually escalate their harmful behaviour in response to the loss of attention, validation and control they feel. So you’ll ned to feel prepared to deal with the aftermath and have additional strategies in your arsenal.
“While gray rock is helpful in theory, it can backfire in certain real-world contexts, especially in family court or co-parenting situations,” Swithin noted. “When someone appears cold, detached or robotic in written or verbal communication, it may be misinterpreted by judges, mediators or professionals as combative, uncooperative or emotionally unstable.”
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Having seen how judges and other family court professionals view survivors who utilise grey rock, she developed a more adaptable, strategic communication style called “yellow rock.”
“Yellow rock helps individuals remain calm, polite and firm ― while also protecting their credibility in legal and professional settings,” Swithin said, adding that it combines “the emotional boundaries of grey rock” with a more pleasant and thoughtful tone.
LaylaBird via Getty Images
If the gray rock method isn’t right for a certain situation, you can also try the “yellow rock” approach.
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The goal is to bring a cordial, cooperative and more emotionally accessible vibe while still keeping engagement and unnecessary information minimal.
“This version allows for a bit more warmth, which can be helpful in contexts like co-parenting or social interactions where others are present,” Alderete said. “For example, instead of flat responses like ‘no’ or ‘oh,’ yellow rocking might sound like ‘no, thank you” or “oh, that’s interesting.’”
Cole similarly recommended pleasant yellow rock responses in co-parenting or work settings, with examples like “Thank you!” “The weather is great today!” “Yes, pickup is at 3 p.m. See you then!” or “I appreciate you getting that done.”
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“Because gray rock excludes pleasantries like ‘please’ or ‘thank you,’ narcissists twist your communication and claim you’re being uncommunicative, difficult, rigid or bitter,” she explained. ”And at work or in custody situations, you need to come across as the kind, considerate person you are. Yellow rock allows you to bring you to the conversation, while keeping personal information, emotional reactions or sensitive topics at the door.”
How can you implement the grey rock method effectively?
“To use the grey rock method effectively, keep in mind that the purpose is to protect your emotional energy ― not to punish or retaliate against the narcissist,” Alderete said. “The goal is psychological safety through disengagement.”
She recommended offering short, emotionally neutral responses such as “Yeah,” “OK,” or “Oh,” and avoiding any attempt to explain or defend yourself. Cole similarly suggested vague grey rock replies like, “I hear what you’re saying, let me think about that,” “I’m not able to talk about that right now,” or “That’s interesting.”
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These types of responses tend to extinguish a narcissist’s attempts to provoke or manipulate because they aren’t getting the reaction they crave.
“Avoid telling stories, sharing your emotional reactions to things or going into any detail,” Moore said. “Limit eye contact and keep your facial expressions as flat and neutral as possible.”
You can also adapt your gray rock approach based on the context. When composing an email or other correspondence, make sure you’re calm as you write and then as you send it.
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“Wait 24 hours and reread the draft before you send it, making sure it’s not inflammatory,” Gilbert said, adding that you might also consider working with a mental health professional if you’re struggling with the method and engaging with this person generally.
Once you decide to implement the grey rock method, expect things to get worse before they get better. Grey rocking shifts the power dynamic in relationships, so the other person might feel thrown off when they’re no longer able to bait, trigger or manipulate you to respond how they want.
“It’s likely that initially, the toxic person will lash out in anger or act contemptuously by calling you names, mocking you or upping the ante,” Cole said. “Or the more vulnerable a narcissist is, the more they respond to grey rock with victimhood rather than anger. They might say something like, ‘Do you not even care about me now?’ ‘What happened to you?’ ‘I can’t believe you’re treating me like this,’ or ‘I thought you had a kind heart.’”
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She compared the experience to setting a boundary with a child who hasn’t had any before.
“They push the limits until they see where the edge is,” Cole said. “Stay consistent, and stay boring. Eventually, the narcissist is likely to find a more interesting target.”
In the meantime, try to take deep breaths and remain committed, even if the method feels antithetical to your open, agreeable nature. Remember that grey rocking is reserved for antagonistic people looking to exploit and manipulate, not for those who genuinely want to connect with you. Don’t relent, or they’ll realise they can get the response they want if they push back enough.
“It’s like giving a toddler the toy they wanted after they throw a huge fit ― the next tantrum will be even bigger,” Cole said. “Keep using neutral responses, even if you don’t immediately get the results you want. Keep being consistent, and over time, they will likely lose interest and try to bait someone else instead.”
I just got home from Prague and there were two huge revelations for me: homemade raspberry lemonade should be on every drinks menu, just as it is in the Czech capital, and tartar sauce goes SO well with chips.
I know, it doesn’t sound like it would fit and to be honest, when my partner and I were offered some for our sides, I politely declined. My partner didn’t, though, and I bravely pinched some for a sample.
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I am so glad that I did.
The hot, salty chips we were served combined with the tangy tartar sauce made for a taste sensation. It is a match made in heaven and I can only apologise to the great city of Prague for my oversight.
It did get me wondering though. am I missing out? And what do people around the world prefer to have with their chips?
What people have with fries around the world
Australia
In Australia, chips are often served with chicken salt. On their website, The Chicken Salt Co says this is a mainstay in Australian takeaways and has been for 50 years: “Originally developed in the 1970s by two Europeans living in Adelaide, chicken salt was used as a seasoning for rotisserie chickens to add flavour and colour.
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“Chicken shop owners would also add chicken salt to chips (known as hot chips) and it’s popularity spread to all corners of Australia.”
It’s surprisingly not made with chicken and is instead a blend of paprika, sugar, garlic and onion. It is DELICIOUS and I am fully obsessed.
Belgium
According to Belgian Smaak, which is a website and podcast about Belgian beer, Belgian culture, and Belgian beer culture, Belgians eat more fries per capita than any other nation and it’s the world’s biggest exporter of frozen fries.
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While Belgians also enjoy tartar sauce with their chips, Belgian Smaak explains they often have Andalouse sauce, which is “essentially mayonnaise made with tomato paste and mixed with crushed, roasted red bell peppers.”
Canada
Canada is home to poutine which is a delicious dish made of fresh-cut french fries topped with cheese curds and gravy.
It. Is. Incredible.
Iceland
According to Icelandic food store Topiceland: “This spice is absolutely essential on French fries. It’s also great in various potato dishes, gratins, sauces, and stews.”
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The popular seasoning includes MSG, onion, paprika, spice mix, herb protein and glucose syrup. Sounds amazing.
Netherlands
This one is a constant in our house.
Home cook Kinfolk Recipes explains: “In Holland we like to add fritessaus to our french fries. Fritessaus is a sort of mayonnaise. It is similar to mayonnaise, but with at most 25% fat, it is leaner and usually sweeter than mayonnaise.”
Ingredients include lemon, mustard, and chives.
Romania
In Romania, chips are most often enjoyed with mujdei: a creamy, very garlicky sauce.
According to Romanian food and folklore blog From Dill to Dracula, this sauce contains a whole head of garlic, sour cream, salt, pepper, and vegetable oil. Sounds delicious and utterly pungent.
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Scotland
Here in my home of Scotland, we have something called chippy sauce. Only sold on the east coast and very controversial to some people, this sauce is a mix of brown sauce and vinegar. The ratio of each part changes depending on where you are, but in Edinburgh, this tangy treat is available in every chippy and always piques the curiosity of tourists at the Fringe.
The rest of the UK
The UK takes condiments very seriously and in fact, preferences change from one region to another. A 2023 survey found that in northern England, ketchup is the preferred condiment with chips.
In Northern Ireland, people most often opt for gravy and in Wales, a good dousing of curry sauce does the trick.
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Vietnam
Food Republic reveals that in Vietnam, “it’s common to enjoy french fries, called khoai tây chiên, with an almost dessert-like dip made of a small scoop of butter with a side of sugar.
“People eat the sweet and buttery combo by dipping crisp fries into the softened butter and then granulated white sugar.”
