Cheating isn’t just limited to romantic partners, experts say – “financial infidelity,” or lying about or concealing money-related issues, can sting just as much.
It seems Redditor u/Hexylpuff is going through the latter struggle.
Writing to r/AITAH (Am I The Asshole Here), the 31-year-old asked: “AITAH for finding out I’ve been unknowingly paying rent to my husband and his mom for TWO YEARS?”
So, we spoke to William “Bill” London, a divorce attorney and partner at Kimura London & White LLP, about how to talk money with your spouse.
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The couple have been married for two years
The original poster (OP) says she married her husband “Brian” two years ago.
The pair moved into a flat supposedly rented at a discount from a “family friend” after their wedding, and have always split bills evenly. This includes both rent and utilities.
For the poster, this costs about £530 a month (admittedly an amazing deal for a rental).
But OP says that at a barbecue recently, she overheard her mother-in-law say, “It’s nice getting rent from Brian’s place” and “how smart they were to keep it in the family.”
On confronting her husband, OP says she found out her mother-in-law owned the flat and that Brian’s name is also on the papers.
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“He never told me. Just let me keep paying rent for two years like a clueless roommate,” she shares.
Apparently, he never told her because “she never asked.” Her husband said she was “overreacting” because the “rent” was so reasonable.
But the poster feels blindsided, saying, “It’s not just the money, it’s the secrecy.”
She ends: “I told him I won’t keep paying until we talk about a fair setup. Now he’s acting like I’m the problem.”
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“It crosses the line from privacy to deception”
London tells HuffPost UK that financial strain ends more marriages than most of us realise.
“While every couple sets their own financial boundaries, I believe that in a marriage – especially one involving shared expenses – full financial transparency is not just healthy, it’s essential,” he adds.
In this case, the lawyer thinks that, “When a partner consciously misrepresents important fiscal information to the other, as by pretending to have non-existent housing costs, it crosses the line from privacy to deception.”
This can destroy the trust needed for a healthy marriage, he continues.
“Married couples are expected to be transparent about important financial information,” he advises.
“This doesn’t mean total merging of their finances or the disclosure of all trivial expenses, but hiding ownership of a mortgage-free property and asking a spouse to share in imaginary financial burdens is manipulative behaviour needing a direct confrontation.”
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In other words, OP hit the nail on the head when she said the money isn’t the main issue – it’s about respect, trust, and honesty.
Today (May 1st) is the final day to decide to join us for Year 9 in Conscious Growth Club, and I felt inspired to share some insights about where I see the club flowing in Year 9 and beyond.
Every year the club evolves. This transition from Year 8 to Year 9 is a big advancement with some very powerful shifts opening up.
Leadership Dojo
Many members in CGC have been evolving in the direction of leadership. This has been showing up differently for everyone, but it’s fair to say that it’s not the stale old corporate or hierarchical version of leadership. It’s a much more personal and internal form of leadership. At least that’s where it begins.
This is about leading from within – knowing yourself, standing strong in your core essence, and radiating your light into the world around you, like I shared in this video several months ago: Fill Your Reality With Your Light.
When you step up and take charge of your own life powerful, other people are likely to notice. Those who appreciate similar values to yours will likely feel drawn to you. They’ll be attracted to your centeredness, your resolve, your clarity, and your sense of ease, lightness, and flow. You may end up attracting some sort of following without really trying.
For some members this shows up as a desire to build communities or their own, online or offline. A lot of members have been going through meaningful transformations of their social lives. They no longer feel in tune with their old circles, and it’s important to them to draw more people into their lives who really align with who they are now and who they’re becoming.
One reason this happens is that CGC itself is a model for this kind of social alignment. It’s a community centered around growth, self-development, and truly embodying our best selves. People who value this will find lots of like-minded people inside to connect with. Once they experience how delightful it is to make and have so many friends like this in one place, it can reveal a difficult contrast with their other social circles, which may not feel adequate anymore. Thus begins the journey into assuming more autonomy over one’s social life, and this eventually flows into some kind of leadership experience.
Seeing this aspect of CGC emerging over time has encouraged me to give it more attention and to invite new members into the club who see themselves flowing into an emerging leadership role. So this year I made that a key part of the invite.
That’s yet another reason we don’t invite Trump supporters to join us in CGC. That’s been our policy for years. Trump supporters carry follower vibes by definition. That’s the opposite of our direction in CGC.
There are lots of ways to step into leadership. In CGC we really focus on the inner journey, which involves getting clear about what we want to create and then advancing it into being.
Note that at the beginning of 2017, CGC was just an idea. I began sharing about the idea on my blog back then, inviting people to comment on it and share their feedback. Later that year we opened the doors with an early access phase while we were developing it. Today we’re starting our 9th year together, the club is thriving inside, and we clearly have a bright future together as we continue to advance together. This all began with a decision to step up and make it happen. Many hundreds of other decisions followed – and are still following – as the club continues to evolve.
Relating to People as Their Strong Selves
Since I have a lot of experience watching people grow and seeing how they evolve over time, I often pick up patterns in what’s unfolding for people before they see what’s emerging within themselves. I like to meet people where they are, but I also love to relate to them based on where they appear to be heading.
The better I get to know someone who’s very growth-oriented, the more I can help to hold the vision and the vibes of the stronger and more capable version of them that’s emerging.
For instance, I may interact with someone who’s a bit camera shy, but I can also see that they’re working on it, which may help me see that they’ll eventually get past it altogether. So I can start relating to them as the person they’re becoming, not who they’ve been.
Or I may be talking with a very head-based person, but I can also see they’re making good progress in developing their intuitive side and opening their heart, so I can meet in the the land of emotional expressiveness and keep relating to them as their emerging future self.
Sometimes this surprises people because they’ve never had anyone treat them as the person they’re becoming. Others have usually been treating them as who they’ve been in the past (or some skewed version of that).
I love doing this for people, but it’s definitely best when I get to know someone, so I gain a more specific understanding of where they’re heading.
Holding stronger visions of each other – and for each other – is becoming woven into the fabric of CGC. As more members bear witness to each other’s growth, they’re helping hold those new visions of themselves. That’s really lovely to see.
If you’ve never been in a social circle that holds you in high regard and begins treating you as your stronger and more capable future self, I sense you’d really love and appreciate this aspect of CGC.
Don’t think it’s easy though. The old parts of you may rise up to reject your new self-image – at first – so it can take some time to work through those old limits and release them.
Feeding and Fueling Our Strong Selves
As members have continued to invest in CGC, they’re clearly gotten stronger and more capable. More possibilities are opening up for them. There’s a sense of strength and stability in the core of the club, which is fertile soil for encouraging even more to emerge.
Back in 2018 when I first created the Deep Abundance Integration course, my motivation was largely driven by compassion for people who were struggling with scarcity. I wanted to provide a helpful resource to immerse people in abundance vibes, so they could really lock onto it and transition over, much like I learned to do back in 1999 (the year I went bankrupt).
In the early years of CGC, there was a lot of this helping-people-who-were-struggling mentality in the club too. That fit with the old coaching model, and many coaching calls involved helping people with various forms of stuckness. Today we are way beyond that old mindset and old approach.
Struggles can be endless and cyclical, especially if people keep recreating the same conditions that lead to struggle. Now we’re better at stepping back and inviting those weaker energies to depart, so something stronger and more engaging can emerge.
When this kind of powerful energy surges, many old struggles vanish. Either they become easy to solve because we become stronger, or they’re no longer seen as problems, or we stop creating the conditions that give rise to them. One way or another, CGCers learn to opt out of living in perpetual crisis mode.
Today’s CGC isn’t a good match for people who are mired in distracting problems. It’s a much better fit for people who want to engage with their lives from their core – their strong selves. Then keep building from there.
I like to think of this stronger part of me as my higher self. That’s the version of me that’s fearless, wise, caring, kind, creative, generous, and more. These days my own path of self-development is mainly about coming into greater alignment with this core version of me. I do my best to channel my deepest wellspring of insight and energy into my decisions and actions. That’s been working really well.
Even when I have mundane problems to deal with, I find that I can easily shred them when I’m attuned to my core strengths. Then I can be as patient, methodical, rational, and courageous as needed to solve problems definitively. These kinds of solutions are very satisfying, both during the solution process and afterwards. I know I did my best, so there are no regrets.
This kind of energy is emerging very strongly in the club now. I sense it will be a big part of Year 9 and beyond.
One specific way we’re supporting this energy is with the new Sense & Solve call format that we’re introducing this CGC year. We’re running it the first time on May 15.
High Trust and Intimate Teamwork
CGC is a very kind, intimate, caring group inside. It took some work to get there though, and I’m very protective of this aspect of our culture. In our early years, we attracted some members who were only into self-development for themselves – some prima donna types if you know what I mean. They came to CGC for the content and for their own gains and didn’t participate much in the community aspects, except for their own validation now and then.
We still did our best to serve those members, but I soon realized that we were better off without them. What we do in CGC really is a team effort, and we grow stronger by attracting good team players. So I’ve deliberately positioned the club to make it less palatable to people who aren’t interested in the team aspect.
We’ve come a long way since then, really focusing on attracting more genuine team players and serving them well. CGC has become a space where the givers tend to gain the most. Those who show up and participate and share their growth journeys surely learn a lot more and make bigger strides.
I see us investing even further in this teamwork direction in Year 9 and beyond. That includes involving other members in the live event we’ll be co-creating for April 2026.
All of our calls for Year 9 involve some form of interaction. They’re really not content-based. They’re all designed as group experiences that we share in and create together.
This morning, for example, we had our monthly Intention Infusion call. The call was very well-attended, with lots of members sharing all throughout. This included sharing our individual intentions for the month and also co-creating a group intention. The group intention we chose was limitless vitality, so we’re all pooling our collective intentional energy to intend limitless vitality for each other. This has been a normal rhythm in CGC for the past two years now. Every month we all hold positive intentions for each other’s well-being and advancement.
The core of this community is trust. When people open up and trust more, they tend to thrive in CGC. It’s not like sharing about your life on social media and wondering who will judge you for it.
It usually takes a bit of time for people to get used to a community like this. They come in with their well-developed masks from years of social media engagement. Then they gradually drop those old facades and let us see more of their real selves. That’s where they’re met with so much love, understanding, and connection.
Life really is different when you learn and grow as part of a kind and caring community that has your back. If you don’t get that from CGC, please find some place to get it – a space where you can fully open up and show all parts of the real you and be seen and acknowledged as the beautiful being you are. This includes letting others see your beauty even when you’re not seeing it yet yourself.
This kind of work really lights me up inside. Even after 8 years of serving CGC, I’m still abundantly enthusiastic about it. As I’ve said many times before, this is my forever project. That’s something I learned from Walt Disney because Disneyland was his forever project. The benefit of a forever project is that you have lots of time to keep improving it and optimizing it. You know to be extra thoughtful in making each decision because you’re thinking about how it might ripple out over decades.
Playfulness
I love that we’re so playful in CGC. I really resonate with making self-development lively and fun. I feel we’re landed in a really good range there. We take self-development seriously, and we have serious fun working on it together.
We often crack jokes on the live calls, but we also do our best to keep them light. I really think we bond very well through shared humor. Some members are really great at anchoring humor vibes into the club, and I would love to see even more people like this join us inside because we so appreciate what they bring to the experience.
We already have some great abundance in this area, but I say let’s keep going. Why limit ourselves? Good-natured humor folds really well into our group energy and values.
I sense that this light-hearted playfulness that so many of us share in CGC will be infused into our April 2026 gathering as well, which makes me look forward to it even more.
Range and Variety
I know of no other self-development group that covers as much range and variety as CGC does. We really do cover all aspects of self-development and more.
Take a look at our call types for Year 9. We have 18 different formats now, up from 14 last CGC year. And even within a given format, no two calls are the same. Each call is a unique experience.
In Bear Care we work on boundaries and self-care. In Contribution Café we focus on purpose and service. In Story Lab we use the lens of story to fuse the objective and subjective aspects of our lives into a cohesive plot that’s unfolding. Courage Forge’s theme ought to be pretty obvious. Same goes with Pure Imagination. Mating Call is a new format we’ve added this year to improve our sex lives. And Moonglow is all about receiving and allowing (and not blocking life’s gifts).
I actually drew a significant amount of inspiration from theme parks, particularly Disneyland itself, in designing and evolving CGC’s core structure. I’ve personally spent at least 100 days of my life at Disneyland, including going there with Rachelle for 30 days in a row, six months before we opened CGC. So you can definitely think of CGC as being like a self-development theme park. While our core focus is on self-development, the calls are all designed to be lively, entertaining, and enjoyable as well. I never want the experience for our members to become stale or boring.
The vast majority of our live calls are unrecorded too (only Reflections & Revelations is recorded), so that helps people open up and be more candid as well. I really noticed a positive shift in participation when we shifted from recorded to unrecorded calls a while back. I love that we have so many years to keep tinkering and fine-tuning to discover what works best for our members.
Learning From Each Other’s Growth Journeys
With the CGC forums as part of the experience, there’s even more variety because members can share and discuss anything of interest to them.
I especially love that our discussions and explorations are so focused on helping each other advance. There really isn’t much debating in CGC for the sake of debating. Politics and current events don’t have a big presence in the group. That’s all fair game for discussion, but most CGCers would rather not discuss that sort of thing, especially since they can do that elsewhere on social media all day long if they want.
In CGC the conversations are mainly about personal experiences and explorations as well as how members are figuring out solutions. People discuss their goals, action steps, and their progress a lot. They share the emotional side too, like how life is going and how they’re being affected.
Because we have our own private, members-only spaces, members are a lot more candid, and the shares are often deeper and more detailed than what you’d find elsewhere on the Internet. People share a certain depth in CGC that they wouldn’t trust to Instagram, Facebook, etc.
This is true for me too. While I’ve been very open about my life from 20+ years of blogging and also YouTubing, I share even more depth and detail in CGC. Most of what I share about my ongoing explorations these days is posted in CGC, not outside of it. I just feel drawn to share certain details more with the people I’ve come to know and trust very well. I’m still into sharing openly outside of the group, but with CGC as such a huge part of my life, I don’t feel drawn to share as much outside the club.
I maintain a progress log in the club myself and update it often. It looks like this in the forums and has hundreds of posts. It’s very interactive too since members can ask me anything about the various explorations I’m doing at any given time. Usually I update it multiple times per week. There is so much I’ve shared there that I haven’t shared outside of CGC, such as details about the 3-night ayahuasca ceremony I did in March and how it affected me – it was very powerful.
One experience that’s coming up this month is my first-ever San Pedro ceremony. I’ve never done it before and have been wanting to sit with it for years. I probably won’t blog about it, but I’ll surely share about what it was like in CGC.
Other members maintain progress logs in the club too, and this has consistently been a great way for us to keep tabs on what we’re all doing and how we’re progressing.
A High-Vibe Approach to Self-Development
When I first got into self-development many years ago, my mindset was very objective. I focused on productivity and time management a lot. I thought very algorithmically much of the time, always looking for useful processes and step-by-step approaches. Some of my favorite authors were Brian Tracy and David Allen – both very deliberate and methodical but also immensely head-based.
That was interesting and helpful for some years, but I soon ran into limits with that approach, especially with respect to certain types of goals and lifestyle desires. Some goals just would not budge.
I was able to use that old mindset to have some cool achievements though, such as running a marathon. That was all about showing up, putting in the training time, and being very methodical and tenacious till I crossed the finish line and got my finisher’s medal – done and checked off my bucket list.
But my most interesting breakthroughs did not arise from that type of programmer mindset. For that I really needed to stretch myself to explore more limitless ways of relating to life and reality. I documented that alternative approach very well in the Submersion course, which is based on relating to life far more subjectively. Since then I’ve layered in even more robust and expansive approaches to keep advancing in ways where an overly objective approach falls flat.
I’d say my #1 favorite gift from opening up and pursuing a different self-development path is my relationship with Rachelle. We’ve been together for 15+ years now, married for more than 7 years. She and I host the CGC calls together. I adore her deeply, and I love the life we share together. I also really love that she and I get to serve and support CGC together. We attracted each other from different countries (she’s Canadian) and flowed into a beautiful yet unconventional relationship. I don’t see anyway a relationship like this could have flowed into my life if I’d been stuck in an overly objective mindset. That old limit had to go, so I could open myself to new forms of allowing, inviting, and surrendering.
This type of energy is strongly infused into CGC. I’ve stopped being an apologist about it, and I’ve really gone all-in with a vibrational-first approach – because it works! It takes time for some people to warm up to it, but what keeps them engaged is that this gets results, especially in areas where an objective approach just isn’t moving the needle much.
The objective aspects of life are still important, and objective problem-solving tools are still useful, so we haven’t thrown that out. We do a tremendous amount of fusion in CGC, and that YES-AND approach woven into many of our group calls as well. Our problem-solving methods are part vibrational, part physical. They involve getting into harmony with the solution space and feeling our way into it to ramp up motivation and inspiration. Then we devise practical action steps and flow into them with greater ease.
In recent months I’ve been sharing in the club about using this approach to do various DIY plumbing and electrical projects around the house. I got clear about how I wanted to solve each problem on a vibrational level first, including how I wanted to feel throughout the experience and afterwards. As I locked onto those feelings, I flowing through a compelling action sequence that included watching how-to videos on YouTube, acquiring the needed parts and tools, and doing all the steps to get to completion.
This really taught me a lot about my own best pathways through problems I might otherwise put off. I didn’t want to deal with certain problems because I didn’t understand them well enough, and I didn’t feel very trusting about the prospect of hiring someone to do those projects for me. So I went to the vibe level first and crafted the solution there. For instance, I knew that education could solve the understanding problem, so I resolved to educate myself thoroughly first. I also saw solutions to the trust issue, so I worked through how to find a contractor I could genuinely trust, and I found and hired a fabulous plumber to do some bigger jobs. It all flowed beautifully at the action level once I solved these problems first at the vibrational level.
I can tell this kind of vibrational-physical fusion will be a big part of CGC Year 9 and beyond – again because it works. Problems are much easier to solve when we engage not just our minds but our hearts and spirits as well.
Lightness & Happiness
The energy in some earlier CGC years felt heavier to me. Today it’s a lot lighter feeling inside. There’s more happiness and optimism inside the club these days – and some genuine excitement too, especially since we’re starting a whole new year together starting today.
Years ago, some people were initially drawn to approach CGC like a therapy container – a space for working through unresolved trauma.
I gave it a lot of thought and took concrete steps to move the club well away from that direction. I know this bothered some people, but I’m certain that it was the correct decision. Even back then I knew we needed to move away from that.
I’m not a therapist, and I don’t intend to become one. I really don’t want to meet people in their misery and delve into the ache with them.
I know some great people who do work in the space of trauma, healing, PTSD, etc. Most of them work with plant medicines because that really moves the needle when nothing else will. I’ve seen a tremendous amount of positive changes unfolding for people who need to process and release old trauma.
But that isn’t my path. I know this. I’m not here to serve people while they’re still enmeshed in their trauma. I’m meant to work and live in limitless land. That’s very clear to me.
I’ve done multiple plant medicine journeys where I’ve looked into that space – with ayahuasca, mushrooms, and more – and they all tell me the same thing. I’m not traumatized and never have been, and I’m not here to help people with their trauma. One journey revealed a fun way of framing this, revealing that when I incarnated as a human in this life, I looked at the box to select my trauma for my human character, and I wrote in “Fuck no!” And so that wish was granted.
I’ve had plenty of challenges to deal with in this life, but none have ever traumatized me. That isn’t what I’m here to experience. And it isn’t how I aim to serve.
I am the opposite of traumatized. I’m ridiculously happy, and I thrive when working with other people who are at least pretty happy with their lives, and they want to unfold even more richness.
I work best with people who want to let go of old limits and stretch themselves. They want to grow stronger and become even more capable. They may not be traumatized, but letting go of old limits is still a great challenge, and this is where I most enjoy serving people.
This has also become a big aspect of CGC as well. We’re not here to meet you in your pain. We’re here to help you advance beyond old limits. If you have a lot of unresolved pain to work through first that’s holding you back from even focusing on richer and more expansive forms of self-development, I feel for you, but there are much better teachers and communities that focus on that. I have tremendous respect for them, and I’m friends with some great people in that space, but I definitely don’t aspire to be one of them. I’ve found where I belong and what I’m good at, and I do sense that this is a limit I want to keep because it serves me well, and it opens into a beautiful outlet for serving others very well too.
CGC’s energy is much lighter than what you’d find in trauma-informed spaces. The energy inside is typically very positive, encouraging, optimistic, and expansive. Members are usually very engaged with interesting projects and working on stretching themselves in various ways.
Even when someone is going through a major challenge, they’re met with positive support, not commiseration. This helps people remember their strong selves, which they can use to meet any problem.
Stepping Into Your Limitless Self
Hopefully this run-through gives you a clearer picture of what CGC is like inside now and how we’re continuing to evolve.
I’d say that our limitless vitality intention for May is a good container for our upcoming year in the club as well. This month we’re inviting more energy to flow through our bodies and our lives, so we can enjoy more capacity to investing in what we find most engaging.
If CGC appeals to you, I invite you to join us. There’s still time to come aboard and join us for Year 9 if you sign up today. Otherwise you’ll have to wait till April 2026 for another chance.
I’d recommend perusing the CGC FAQ, and then read through the CGC invite page as you reflect upon the decision (sign-up button is at the bottom of that page.
Lastly, feel free to drop me a message via my contact form if you have any further questions. We always see a lot of people join on the last day – even in the final hours – so I’m used to that!
Here’s an easy-going video about Conscious Growth Club Year 9 to give you a sense of the vibes and direction of the club and to invite you to join us inside. It’s only about 12 minutes, so please give it a watch now because I’m taking it offline when the enrollment ends.
CGC is our core inner self-development circle. It began in 2017 and has been going strong and evolving beautifully ever since. We only open for new members to join us during one short interval each year, always during the last week of April, and this is it! So please check it out and make the correct decision for you by midnight Pacific Time on May 1st. This is our only enrollment period for 2025, so our next opening won’t be till April 2026.
After you watch the video, read through the Conscious Growth Club invite page to see if you’re a match. It’s definitely not for everyone, but for the right people, CGC is a powerful long-term source of growth fuel and support. It transforms self-development from a solo effort to a team effort.
This is a fabulous year to join CGC because we’re having our first-ever CGC in-person gathering during this new CGC year, so we’ll all get to connect in person together for 4 days in Las Vegas in April 2026. I’m really looking forward to that!
Ever had a conversation that goes a little something like this?
Your conversation partner: “Have you been promoted recently?”
You: “What? No? You know I’m self employ–”
Your conversation partner: “I actually got promoted last week. I’ve become the vice-deputy manager-chair god-king of…” etc., etc..
If so, I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of a “boomerask,” a portmanteau of “boomerang” and “ask.”
The term refers to questions that only really exist to give the askers room to talk about themselves.
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The self-serving purpose hides under the guise of enquiring about the other person, which askers think leaves a good impression, a paper published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General says.
So, we spoke to etiquette expert Jo Hayes, founder of Etiquette Expert, and psychiatric mental health provider Dr Zian Omene from MyShilohHealth, about how to actually handle questions in conversation.
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“Boomerasking” can make you lose friends fast
“The research shows that boomerasking… can make people feel ignored and less fond of you,” Dr Omene told us.
It allows people to “hijack [an] answer to talk about yourself”; if you’ve got a story, she advised, “share it later, straight-up, like, ‘Oh, I tried that once too!’”.
The study bears this advice out. It found that people prefer a straightforward brag to a roundabout “boomerask.”
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“It’s about keeping it real and letting them shine,” Dr Omene added. “People love feeling understood, not upstaged.”
“People with good/healthy social skills know that the way to strike up a good conversation, and develop healthy relationships, is to show genuine interest in the other person,” Hayes agreed.
“Boomerasking involves asking such a question – but then answering it yourself. It’s a faux conversational skill, because it starts off right, but then quickly plummets into antisocial behaviour.”
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So, how should we ask questions?
“To ask questions that make others feel included, appreciated, and genuinely heard, I’d go with open-ended ones like, ‘What’s been the best part of your day?” instead of a flat ‘How’s it going?’”, Dr Omene shared.
“Then, really listen – nod, keep eye contact, and maybe echo back something like, ‘That sounds like a blast, what made it so fun?’”
Hayes’ recommendation is similar: “Simply ask the question, and then let the other person answer.”
“It’s all about focusing on the other, not yourself. The other person feels seen, heard, honoured, respected, valued… and naturally warms to you – the person demonstrating that respect,” she continued.
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“And the natural consequence of that is that they’ll be interested in finding more about you and hearing what you have to say – thus giving you ample opportunity to share your own thoughts/opinions.”
Lesson 11 of the free Engage course reveals 5 uncommonly powerful decisions for you to make today to get yourself onto a much stronger path of lifelong self-development.
You’ll find the rest of the Engage course videos in the Video section.
A 2011 meta-analysis of studies found that marriage doesn’t actually make couples happier ― if your relationship with your partner wasn’t great before the big day, their research says, it likely won’t become that way afterwards.
That’s why Evon Inyang, a licensed associate marriage and family therapist and the founder of ForwardUs Counselling previously told HuffPost UK that it’s important not to go along with a failing relationship for the sake of it.
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There’s no need to settle for unhappiness “just because invitations have been sent out, the dress has been bought and deposits have been paid,” she wrote.
Still, many of us struggle to recognise when our relationship is “off.” So it’s a good thing u/one-droplet recently asked the netizens of r/AskReddit: “What are the early signs of a failing relationship that most people ignore?”
Here are some of the most-upvoted responses:
1) “Not wanting to talk to them about things you find interesting because you feel their reaction will ruin it.”
11) “Feeling annoyed when you know you have to see them in the evening. Or when you hear them chewing.”
“Or when they start talking and you just wish they would stop soon. Feeling annoyed when they kiss or hug you or give you affection. You might not even know you are annoyed.
“You just get that heavy feeling in your chest when you have to be in their vicinity. You hear an ‘ugh’ go through your mind.”
Lesson 9 of the free Engage course delves into how to use visualization to attract and enjoy the experience of being in love with a delightful partner, including how to bypass a key mistake people make when trying to use the Law of Attraction to manifest loving partners.
Feel free to share your feedback in the YouTube comments as well.
This Tuesday through Friday, January 28-31, I’m hosting a series of four Zoom calls (one per day, 2 hours per call), and I invite you to join me.
It’s called Go Rogue, and the purpose is to help you honor and strengthen your relationship with your inner rogue – those parts of you that tend to be rebellious, resistant, and uncooperative with your other goals, plans, and desires.
Instead of trying to suppress your inner rogue, I invite you to discover a new way of relating to these aspects of yourself – so you can recapture the energy within and enjoy greater harmony and flow in your life.
Come join us and forge an empowering new relationship with your inner rogue. Reclaim, re-harmonize, and re-integrate this powerful source of motivation, drive, and energy within you.
This is a one-of-kind event, and you’ll get the recordings too. I’ll see you inside!
There’s something about dreams that feels more true and real than a daytime fantasy, isn’t there?
Maybe it’s got to do with the fact that you have no control over what you think ― and, because you’re asleep, no other stimuli to focus on when they’re happening.
All of which is to say: while I feel I shouldn’t be much affected by my dreams, I’ve been known to glare at my partner after they sinned in my slumbering mind or get emotional after seeing someone in my sleep.
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In an effort to find out why I’m so bothered by my brain’s own handiwork, I thought I’d reach out to the experts to ask what it means when you dream about someone.
HuffPost UK spoke to therapist Melissa Giuttari, who’s trained in Jungian dream analysis, psychologist Dr Leah Kaylor, and licenced sexologist Sofie Roos about the topic.
So… what does it mean?
Dr Kaylor told HuffPost UK that dreams often happen during the rapid eye movement (REM) stage of sleep, which she says is when “the brain processes emotions helping you work through the experiences of the day.”
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So, she argues, “Dreaming about someone may reflect that your brain is processing your emotions and interactions with them.” It may also have to do with the feeling you associate with that person, or what they stand for, she adds.
Guittari seems to agree, saying: “From a Jungian dream analysis perspective, we typically look at the people that show up in our dreams as symbols of different parts of ourselves (versus a literal representation of the dream character).”
She says that when someone in her practice keeps seeing someone in their dreams, she asks them to describe that person in three adjectives.
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“This begins our investigation into the unconscious meanings of the dream persona,” she explains.
For Roos, though, the nighttime appearances might be due to suppressed feelings.
“Seeing someone in your dreams often means that you think about them without really paying attention to how often you do it, or that you try to push the thoughts of them away even though they’re still there and that therefore needs to be processed in your dreams,” she suggested.
The sexologist says it can be “a common indicator that you’re actually really into them, even though you many times don’t want to admit it for your awake self.”
Does dreaming about someone mean anything about my relationship with them?
According to all three experts, the resounding answer is an absolute “maybe.”
Dr Kaylor commented: “Dreams have the potential to act like a mirror, reflecting your subconscious thoughts about the person or your relationship, even if you’re not fully aware of them.”
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But she continued, “It may also be less about the person and more about your emotional connection—your brain uses dreams to work through feelings or situations involving them.”
Guittari, meanwhile, sees nighttime cameos as a way to “uncover latent desires, wish fulfilment, or repressed fears, anxieties or conflicts of the dreamer’s psyche” ― a “way of the unconscious trying to bring messages and awareness to the conscious self.”
Roos, on the other hand, says “there’s often no better matchmaker than your [unsoncious] self when letting everything come to you without prejudice or filters.”
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If you’re “often seeing the very same person in your dreams, especially in romantic or sexual contexts,” there may be more to the connection, the sexologist suggests.
Still, Dr Kaylor says you should see dreams, including those about people you know as more of an ”‘emotional detox’ that leaves you mentally refreshed and ready to face new challenges” than as revelatory truth-tellers.
So if you’re worried about how you saw someone in your sleep, don’t be ― though they “serve an important purpose,” dreams have more to do with processing your emotions and “helping you make sense of your daily experiences” than they do setting you up with your soulmate, she says.
I know that socialising is good for us and is meant to be one of the best parts of the festive season, but I have to be honest with you: I can’t think of a worse time to face a chock-full social calendar.
Not only is the weather dark and rainy, but I’m constantly bloated from the endless festive treats, I have loads of little Christmassy tasks to complete, and ― like many of us in the UK ― seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is making my social anxiety even worse.
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So, I thought I’d speak to Dr Suzanne Wylie, GP and medical adviser for IQdoctor, about how to manage the added stress.
“During Christmas, these feelings can become heightened due to the increased social interactions, family gatherings, and heightened expectations of being cheerful and sociable,” she told HuffPost UK.
“The pressure to perform in a festive environment, combined with the potential for awkward encounters or family tensions, can make people with social anxiety feel overwhelmed and vulnerable,” she added.
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Here are her 10 tips for making the period more manageable:
1. Plan ahead
“Preparation can alleviate much of the stress associated with social events,” Dr Wylie shared.
She adds that it’s a good idea to set boundaries and say “no” to events you know you’re going to hate.
“Familiarise yourself with the location and attendees of each event, and mentally rehearse conversations or scenarios that might arise,” she shared.“Knowing what to expect helps reduce uncertainty, a common trigger for social anxiety.”
2. Practise mindfulness
Deep breathing and grounding exercises might sound a little woo-woo, but the GP says they can really help.
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“Before entering a social situation, spend a few minutes focusing on your breath or anchoring yourself in the present moment,” she advised.
“These exercises calm the nervous system, making it easier to engage with others.”
3. Take small steps
Ever let “current you” burden “future you” with endless engagements, only to realise to your horror that those are actually the same person?
Well, the doctor says what I wish I’d heard years ago; there’s no point stacking your calendar if you’re not usually interested in socialising too much.
“Start with smaller, low-pressure gatherings to build confidence,” she recommends.
“If large family events feel daunting, consider arriving early when there are fewer people, allowing you to acclimatise before the crowd grows.”
And don’t downplay your achievements: “Celebrating small victories, like initiating a conversation, can build momentum for bigger challenges,” the GP says.
4. Use a social buffer
A supportive friend or family member can make all the difference, Dr Wylie says.
“Alternatively, having a “safe zone” in mind, such as a quiet room, gives you a retreat when needed,” she told HuffPost UK.
5. Set realistic expectations
If you’re not a fan of the limelight, there’s no point pretending to be a social butterfly, the GP stated.
“Don’t pressure yourself to be the life of the party. Acknowledge that it’s okay to feel anxious and remind yourself that most people are too focused on their own experiences to scrutinise yours,” she commented.
“Giving yourself permission to be imperfect can lessen self-critical thoughts.”
6. Practise active listening
“If initiating conversation feels challenging, focus on listening,” Dr Wiley stated.
“Asking open-ended questions “can take the pressure off you and foster genuine connections, often reducing social anxiety.”
7. Limit alcohol and caffeine
You might think that that shot of Bourbon is your only possible path through your work Christmas ’do, but the GP advises against it.
“While alcohol may seem like a quick fix for nerves, overindulgence can worsen anxiety and impair judgment,” she said; “Similarly, caffeine can heighten symptoms like a racing heart.”
Dr Wiley says plain ol’ water might lead to less stress in the long run.
8. Use positive visualisation
Manifesting isn’t just for six-bedroom homes and a glizty job, the GP says.
“Spend time imagining yourself navigating social situations successfully. Picture yourself smiling, feeling at ease, and enjoying interactions,” she told us.
“This mental rehearsal can build confidence and counteract negative anticipations.”
9. Leverage technology
If you’re really dreading that meet-up, the doctor says you can set up a video call or online get-together instead.
“Video calls or group chats provide a way to stay connected without the intensity of face-to-face interactions,” she shared.
10. Seek Professional Support
If you’re seriously struggling, the doctor says speaking to a pro might be necessary.
“Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and other evidence-based approaches can equip you with tools to manage anxiety more effectively, ensuring you enjoy the festive season,” she told HuffPost UK.
She added that some signs you may need professional help include:
Avoiding all social situations, leading to isolation.
Persistent distress that doesn’t improve with self-help measures.
Physical symptoms, like panic attacks, that feel unmanageable.
A sense of hopelessness or a negative impact on mental health overall.
Help and support:
Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI – this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.
