My Christmas Doesn’t Look Like Your Christmas

Posted on 25/12/2022 by Boris Clair

With our quirks and personal traditions, no two Christmases are the same. And – at the risk of sounding like a cheesy Christmas ad – that’s what makes the holidays so special.

Ahead of this year’s festivities, we asked readers across the country to share what they’ll be doing come Christmas day.

Some of you are heading to church, others to the pool. Some are looking forward to family time, others will kick back with friends – or cats. And the food? If you’re uninspired by traditional turkey fare, how does cottage pie, chicken Kyiv, or a Zimbabwean feast sound?

However you’re spending the day, have a happy one.

‘I’m a working Santa, Christmas is my day off’

Michael Facherty, who’s 71 and based in Caversham, and has played the role of Father Christmas for nearly 40 years. On December 25th he’ll be having a well-deserved break.

“In the run up to Christmas a working Santa has many jobs. Among them is recording videos for clients, this year including a charity pop single, various corporate jobs including parties, and grottos. My favourite this year was being Santa on Hobbs of Henley Santa Cruises. Work with individual families includes Zoom calls and home visits.

“I often have a charity visit on Christmas Day but not this year, so I’ll have a lie in. The day starts with some presents and then I have my special Christmas lunch. My wife and son are vegans, but Matt makes me cottage pie with steak mince as a special treat. I’ll watch the Richard Attenborough version of Miracle on 34th Street at some point during the day. Boxing Day is my favourite day, because our grandchildren visit us.”

‘My British friends are now family.’

Nishtha Goel, the founder of sustainable brand Unnaaty, is 32 and based in London. She’ll be spending her fourth Christmas in the UK with friends, who she calls her “chosen family”.

“I am from India and have been living in the UK since 2018. I don’t have any family here, but have found a friend who is my chosen family and since 2019 it is has become a tradition that I spend Christmas at her place, with a few other friends. What could have been a lonely day is not, because my British friends are now family.

“I am a vegetarian so, while my friends enjoy turkey, they are thoughtful enough to cook a separate vegetarian meal for me, which includes vegetarian stuffing, peas, carrots, Brussel sprouts, to name a few things. I enjoy every bit of the traditional Christmas dinner, it is such a beautiful way of bringing families together.

“My favourite part of the day is late evening, when we play silly board/card games and just have a relaxed time with each other, full of smiles and laughter.”

‘It is my favourite park run of the year.’

Robin Barwick, aged 50, is the event director Royal Tunbridge Wells parkrun. On Christmas day he’ll be helping 200-300 runners start the day in high spirits.

“I will be run director at RTW parkrun this Christmas morning, for what has become one of our best attended fixtures. It is my favourite parkrun of the year.
Between 200 and 300 runners and walkers are likely to show up for our 9am start, along with around 35 volunteers.

“Christmas morning parkruns have a special atmosphere. Many come in
festive fancy dress, with anything from reindeer headbands, elf costumes, the full Father Christmas outfit or maybe a Christmas tree disguise.

“Runners can take the 5k run competitively if they want to but on Christmas Day most people treat it as an opportunity to get some fresh air and exercise with friends and family without worrying about their finish time. It is a very social occasion and as our cafe in Dunorlan Park will be closed many will bring their own refreshments to enjoy after their run. They are not always alcohol-free.”

‘I’ll sleep the whole way through Christmas day’

Marlene Bayuga, 59, lives in Morden, Surrey and works as a Marie Curie healthcare assistant in the community covering Southwest London and sometimes Kent.

“This Christmas I will be working throughout the night from 10pm until 7am. On Christmas day I will sleep during the daytime, and I will go for Christmas supper at my brother’s house, where we have roast turkey with all the trimmings. Then I will leave at 9pm to go to work and I will bring a mince pie and some Christmas pudding with me!

“When I arrive to my patients’ house I greet them with Christmas greetings and reassure their family that their loved one will be cared for, monitored, and supported during the night so that they can have a restful sleep. It can reassure them to know that someone is there with their loved one, so they won’t be alone overnight.

“I work during Christmas because someone in the community will always need my care at the end of their life, and because everyone deserves to have a good end of life experiences, both patients and their families. My family completely support and understand this. I know I’m there to give light during what can be a really difficult time for them.”

‘We go to church to celebrate Jesus’ birthday’

Nicole Bateman, 34 from Bournemouth, is a mum of two, author and owner of A Box Full of Joy. She’ll be celebrating Christmas by attending church and spending time with her family.

“We start the day with the kids coming into our bed to open their stockings, then we have gammon and eggs with orange juice for breakfast and then open our presents under the Christmas tree.

“We then go to our church to celebrate Jesus’ birthday and then head over to grandparents for Christmas lunch, then a walk after that.

“I have a daughter who is three and a son who is six, and my son has epilepsy. He was diagnosed in July 2020 and has yet to find a medication to control his seizures. Last Christmas, he had five seizures over the four-day period, so by keeping to familiar things (like waking up at our house and going to our church like we do on a normal Sunday) it keeps some routine and stability to the day, which hopefully limits seizures.

“Christmas time can sometimes cause sensory overload and seizures for our boy, so we have to get the balance between too exciting (excitement is one of his seizure triggers) but then still making it a fun day.”

‘I’m solo cat-sitting – and I can’t wait’

Charlotte Lingard, who’s 34 and based in Kent, is looking forward to spending Christmas with some feline friends.

Charlotte Lingard and two of the cats she's looked after this year. — Charlotte Lingard and two of the cats she’s looked after this year.

“I will be cat-sitting a cat called Lola in Blackheath over Christmas for a couple who are abroad for the Christmas holidays.

“I plan to spend my day eating all the festive party foods I enjoy, cuddling Lola and making sure she is spoiled; also exploring Blackheath and Greenwich, as it is not an area of London I am familiar with, but I have heard a lot of nice things about it.

“I have been doing cat-sitting on and off for nearly a year now. It started when my flat did not allow pets, and I was missing feline company whilst working remotely. I use two websites to find and apply for cat sits, I have had five star reviews so far.

“I am completely happy in my own company, so I am looking forward to it!”

‘I swim then cook the kids’ favourite: Chicken Kyiv’

Sue Bordley, who’s 51 and from the Wirral, writes swimming-related books and will be heading the pool for her daily dip on Christmas morning.

“On Christmas Day, I’ll get up at about 7.15 am and have a quick coffee before heading to the pool, which opens at 8am that day. It’s always nice to have a chat to Julie, Paula and Harry, my fellow die-hard swimmers who are there every morning.

“I’ll swim for an hour. Swimming got me over a breakdown six years ago. It’s my release, my lifeline – why on earth would I not want to have that on the day that’s supposed to be the best of the year?

“After my hour’s swim and a lovely relaxation boost in the hot tubs, I go home to spend the day with my husband Mark (48) and sons, Jack and Olly (15 and 12).

“While the boys play their new computer games, I prepare a (reasonably) traditional Christmas meal: I make the usual roast potatoes and vegetables, but we don’t have turkey, choosing roast pork instead and the boys are allowed to have their favourite Chicken Kyiv. At Christmas, everyone should have what they like – and it’s only one more dish to wash.”

‘I’m setting my own solo Christmas traditions’

Patience M. Chigodora, a 30-year-old spiritual life coach from Nottingham, is using Christmas to have some me-time.

“This year I’m doing things differently. My Christmas isn’t about being with family and friends; it’s about me. I actually want to rest, recover and feel replenished in the New Year which honestly last year I didn’t after spending a lot of my time travelling around the UK to be with family and friends.

“I am planning a few days filled with candle-lit baths, PJs, feasting on all my favourite Zimbabwean and English infused dishes paired with my fave red wine of course. Binging on my favourite Christmas movies and series (like How to Ruin Christmas series on Netflix), I might pop to the cinema to watch the new Avatar movie, go on walks and I’m allowing freedom for spontaneity and going with the flow.

“It’s really important to me this year that I celebrate Christmas how I want to – not how I am expected to. I will be seeing family and friends here and there, focusing on quality time rather than quantity, but 80% of the period, including New Year, will be spent basking within my inner-verse.”

‘We Zoom our families and celebrate online’

Viva O’Flynn, who’s 40 and based in Gloucester, enjoys spending a cosy Christmas at home with her husband, John. They’ll spend the afternoon on Zoom, celebrating with family abroad.

“Christmas Day starts with me waking up next to my husband, John. He cooks brunch for us, eggs florentine or eggs Benedict with salmon. Then, we head to our Christmas tree to open presents. I open each gift with a kiss, a ‘thank you’ and ‘I love you’. He does the same.

“It’s just the two of us celebrating Christmas in person, because his family are in Ireland, mine are in the Philippines. We log into Zoom and say our Christmas greetings to them, and we play some games with them online. Some of my cousins even sing Christmas tunes.

“There is nothing like being with family to celebrate in person: hugging them, kissing them on the cheek, holding their hands, eating meals with them. But it is the pandemic and flu season, and flights back home are doubly expensive. We’ll wait until after the holidays to reunite with them in person. The next best thing is seeing them, hearing their voices, and celebrating Christmas with them virtually.”

8 Things Therapists Do To Handle Stress Over Christmas

Posted on 24/12/2022 by Boris Clair

There’s no doubt that the festive season can be a stressful time, amid all the travel plans, family visits and present shopping.

These activities often involve an array of demands that take a toll on your mental health, such as cleaning, cooking and spending. So it’s totally OK to experience stress or anxiety among the festivities; even mental health professionals – who may seem like they have it all together – aren’t immune to these feelings.

HuffPost asked therapists for insight on how they feel joy and cheer amid the stress of the season. Here are their personal tips for decompressing and relaxing:

They set aside time for themselves

The festive season can be a busy time, especially if you are surrounded by friends and family. It’s normal to feel stressed and anxious about meeting up with people or hanging with relatives.

“I always make sure I set aside some time for myself to relax during the holidays and focus on my wellness needs,” says Michael Klinkner, a licensed clinical social worker in Arizona.

They scribble a few thoughts in a journal

Minerva Guerrero, a therapist who founded Mind Matters Mental Health Counseling in New York, says she often takes a journaling break to intentionally ground herself.

“I like to journal to get clear on what I’m hoping the holidays bring me and how I feel during this time,” she says. “This self-care activity really helps me destress and relax during the holiday season.”

They listen to music

Music therapy can evoke feelings of calmness and relaxation.

“I often create soothing and hype-me-up playlists, which help me move through my feelings,” says Naiylah Warren, a therapist and clinical content manager with mental health platform Real.

They focus on holiday events that give them joy

During one of the busiest times of the year, it’s important to set boundaries to take care of your mental health and wellbeing.

“I generally check in with myself in regards to what traditions or gatherings feel stressful to me and which ones bring me joy,” says Kama Hurley, a clinical counsellor and life coach in Idaho. “I prioritise what I love to do and say no to the things that make me feel anxious.”

Even therapists need some coping strategies to get through the holidays.

They make a self-care list

Hurley says she writes a self-care list when she’s anxious or stressed, as it gives her agency and lifts her mood.

“I write down activities that help me relax and make me feel good about myself that I can accomplish when feeling the intense emotions,” she says.

Having a go-to list that you can reference and change will help you identify which activities are sources of joy.

Madeline Lucas, another therapist and clinical content manager at Real, shared some self-care activities that help her feel less isolated in her holiday stress: taking long showers with music, applying sheet face masks, going on walks and stretching.

They sit in stillness for a few minutes

The art of meditation can be powerful in achieving a sense of calm and balance.

“I practise meditation exercises for a few minutes whenever I feel stressed,” says Regine Muradian, a clinical psychologist in California. When you feel that stress starting to creep up on you, take a moment to inhale deeply and focus on your breathing.

They plan ahead

Israa Nasir, a therapist who founded the mental wellness brand Well.Guide, said she plans ahead for the festive season, which helps her destress. “I make sure to take care of any client and associated work-related obligations fully when I take time off during the holidays,” she says.

Planning a schedule before you get too busy may feel comforting as it offers a sense of routine, with many decisions already made in advance.

They talk to their therapist

Many mental health professionals get help from therapists of their own to manage stress. If you feel that stress is inhibiting your ability to get through the day, consider connecting with a mental health professional now.

“If I anticipate a lot of stress prior to the holiday season, I’ll schedule a few extra sessions with my own therapist before they go on their holiday break to help process the feelings I’m having,” Nasir says.

No, Christmas Is Not The Time To Slide Into Your Ex’s DMs

Posted on 23/12/2022 by Boris Clair

It’s almost Christmas and work is finally winding down. Instead of using this time wisely to plan goals for next year or productively to wrap the presents under your tree, you’re doing what you do best: time-wasting on social media.

You scroll and scroll and – what’s this? – somehow you’ve made it onto your ex’s Instagram page (whoops!). It’s been a while since you last spoke so you think: let me just wish them an early merry Christmas. What’s the harm in that?

Because let’s face it, who hasn’t been contacted by an ex-partner or fling over the holiday season – or done a little festive messaging ourselves?

These dwindling days of the year are often a time for reflection and/or twiddling our thumbs. A time to think about the people you miss (or the ones you missed out on). And whether you’re single or in a relationship, it’s now we mull over who we really appreciate and want to keep in our lives. Or who we want back…

Chris*, 27, a product designer from Manchester received an interesting email just this Tuesday. The subject read “Hi Christopher.” It was his ex of a few years back reaching out to ask for forgiveness and apologise for past mistakes.

“I had forgiven her years ago so I was quite shocked when I saw the email,” Chris tells HuffPost UK. “She asked to meet up, but I replied and said this would be inappropriate. I think she’s still holding on to the past but I’ve moved on and hope she does the same.”

Sometimes the contact is not as chill. Savannah*, a 23-year-old doctor from London, only broke up with her partner at the start of 2022, but due to the nature of the relationship, it didn’t end on good terms.

Following their split, Savannah blocked the ex across several different platforms, but this didn’t stop him from trying to get in touch – and he recently attempted to contact Savannah through their joint Netflix account. She removed his profile, but he somehow logged back in and deleted her account entirely.

“He’s done that because he knows it’s the only way he can get through to me,” she says. “I would never want to get back to him again and he knows this, which is why he’s trying so hard.”

It’s not all unhappy endings, however. Laura*, a 29 year old writer from east London reached out to an ex-situationship fling last Christmas.

“We stopped dating a month before but, I really missed him so I texted him on Christmas morning. We live really close to each other so I wanted to press my luck to see if he would come and see me in the evening,” she tells HuffPost UK.

“Even though he didn’t visit me, we spent the whole day talking which felt nice and familiar. I have a small family so Christmas always feels a bit boring, I think I reached out to him so I could have some entertainment throughout the day.”

A few days later the former fling ended up visiting her. And spoiler alert: “We started dating again. So I guess you could say it worked,” she says.

Sliding into your ex’s DMs over Christmas ended up being a good move for Laura but is this really a time to be contacting past lovers?

Relationship and dating expert Christiana Maxion weighs in.

Why do people feel the need to message their exes during the Christmas holidays?

There’s usually a reason an ex tends to reach out during the holidays – and that reason might not necessarily be you, warns Maxion.

“It could be because they have ‘time’ on their hands whilst off work, stuck and bored within a family situation, or feeling nostalgic or maudlin,” she says.

“This will make them think about the potential for a new hook up or about a past love. They will then use any excuse to try and get back into your good graces. And they’re also hoping that the holiday cheer will erase bad memories and you’ll let them back in and engage with their contact.”

What if it’s you who gets the urge to message?

Maybe you’re like Laura and feel the pull to message someone you once dated? Maxion says it’s easy to remember the good times especially around Christmas, but an ex is usually an ex for a reason.

However, maybe your past relationship ended down to bad timing or a set of circumstances that have since changed.

Whoever makes the first contact again, Maxion advises asking yourself: “Do you still have feelings for this person? Are they [or you] trying to rekindle love or just seeking attention? Are they bored with family or actually interested in you?”

Being back home can conjuring up past feelings, she says, which can make you want to take a stroll down memory lane in other ways. “Let your answers inform you as to whether this is a truly good idea or not.” she recommends.

How should we respond if an ex reaches out to us?

“I would ignore an ex if you’re over them or in a new relationship. Silence speaks volumes!.” Maxion says. And if it feels like a sign to revisit things?

By all means, explore your feelings, “if you can be clear headed about it, disregarding the obvious ‘cheer’ and goodwill we fill ourselves with at Christmas.” But explore your motivations too, she adds.

“Make sure you ask yourself those questions – you’ll find your answer!”

* Surnames have been omitted to offer anonymity

Dating Expert Shares How To Get Over The End Of A Situationship

Posted on 22/12/2022 by Boris Clair

The famous saying may go “it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, but clearly poet Alfred Lord Tennyson had never been in a situationship.

Yup, a situationship, defined as “a romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established” can be absolute brutal when it comes to an end, but why?

Fortunately dating and relationship coach Sabrina Bendory has come to the rescue on TikTok to explain why it hurts so damn much and how to bounce back with your self-esteem still in tact.

“Getting out of a situationship can sometimes be harder than getting over a long term relationship because it’s the death of potential,” the pro explained to her 145k followers.

“Potential always looks so much prettier than reality and it also gives this added level of pain that [the other person in the situationship] didn’t even want to give it a real shot to see what was there.”

Sound familiar? You’re certainly not alone. But before you send that huge ranting text to the other person, Bendory has some steps to follow in order to move on with your head held high (even though everything hurts like hell).

1. Accept that they weren’t your person

It sounds cliched but Bendory really talks sense – the right person will want to be with you.

“You didn’t do anything wrong here, there just wasn’t enough in the first place and that’s not a loss – not everyone’s a match and that’s okay,” she urges.

2. Be kind to yourself

Yup, it’s really easy to start being hard on yourself and think you’re being OTT by being hurt but honestly, you’re only making things harder for yourself – you’re allowed to be sad.

Bendory explains: “I know you feel stupid for being so sad that it’s over, but your hurt is valid – this was a loss and loss is painful.

“You felt excited about something and then disappointed when it didn’t come to be – who wouldn’t be disappointed by that?”

And before you start blaming yourself for the end of the situationship, put the brakes on.

“It’s not what happens to us but the stories we tell ourselves about what happened that determines whether we suffer or whether we grow – if you say to yourself ‘well he left me because I’m not good enough’ then that will become wired in and that becomes part of your story,” she adds.

By repeating these thoughts and making it a part of your story, you’ll carry this narrative straight into your next relationship, Bendory warns, so rather than be mean to yourself, you can assert over and over that it didn’t work out because the person wasn’t right for you.

3. Ask yourself ‘what did I learn here?’

As painful as disappointment is, every time you’re faced with it, you’re given a chance to pause and reflect on what you’ve learnt.

“You felt an intense pull to the other person – but why? What did they represent to you, what needs did they fulfil?” asks Bendory.

“When we feel this intense magnetic pull towards someone else, it’s usually more than us than it is about the other person.”

Oooof – hard truths much?

4. Fill your life up

If you’re guilty of obsessively thinking about the other person now that the situationship has drawn to a close – that’s okay, but it’s time to help yourself.

Bendory explains: “Obsession grows in vacant space – if you keep obsessing over what went wrong, then you need to stop, you will just keep driving yourself crazy.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, there just wasn’t enough there to sustain a relationship. Instead of dwelling redirect your focus onto something else, think about something you’re excited about or something that brings you joy.”

Post-situationship self deprecation? We don’t know her.

Time Flies By As We Get Older. This Is Why It Feels That Way

Posted on 21/12/2022 by Boris Clair

For many people, 2022 went by in a blink – doesn’t it feel like it was just January? But for others, especially children, last year’s holidays may seem like eons ago.

There’s a reason why you may feel like the years moved slowly when you were a kid, but zoom by now. Experts say our perception of time greatly changes as we age, which makes certain periods feel like they go by quickly.

“Our perception of days, weeks, years and that kind of time seems to be especially influenced by our perspective: Are we in the moment experiencing it, or are we looking backward on time?” says Cindy Lustig, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan.

She added that the perception of time is also influenced by memory and how much you’ve experienced. For an eigh-year-old, a week is a big portion of their life. For an 80-year-old, a week is a much smaller portion of their life, which contributes to the feeling that it went by quickly.

Looking back on time plays into this feeling of acceleration

A day in the life of a retired 80-year-old may feel like it’s going by more slowly than that of an eight-year-old who is busy at school. However, when both people look back on a month or a year, that period of time will seem like it went by faster to the older person.

This is for a number of reasons. For the 80-year-old, their life probably doesn’t look too different than it did when they were 78 or 79, “so, in that case, they’re looking back on fewer events,” Lustig says. “When you’re looking back, the less rich your representation is, the more it’s going to seem like the time went by quickly.”

In other words, our brains lump time together when the days or weeks are similar. So for an 80-year-old who largely does the same thing every day, the year is going to blend together in their mind and feel like it went by quickly.

The new and exciting things in a day are what make the days and months feel different, and thus set them apart in our minds.

As you age, your perception of time changes, which is why years may feel like they fly by.

Changes to your routine can also affect how fast the years seem to go by

“Our brains are designed to record change,” says Adrian Bejan, a professor of mechanical engineering at Duke University and the author of the recent book Time And Beauty: Why Time Flies And Beauty Never Dies.

The many experiences young children have in a day (such as learning new things at school, going to ballet class or visiting a new friend’s house) contribute to the notion that time is more plentiful and more activities can fit into that time. Therefore, when looking back, time may feel slower.

This can apply to adults, too. When we look back on a time period that was filled with lots of new experiences, “we see [a] large expense of events and memories, and that makes it seem like time stretches out … and it feels very long,” Lustig says. If you’re not introducing new patterns into your life, time can feel like it’s going by much quicker overall.

Some experts think that how our brain absorbs images impacts our perception of time

How we process what we see can also influence how we view time, Bejan says. Our brains are trained to receive many images when we are infants. Because we’re absorbing so many new images as kids, it may feel like months and years are longer.

As adults, “the brain receives fewer images than it was trained to receive when young,” Bejan says. Therefore, we feel like time went by more quickly. In other words, there are physiological factors at play that influence our perception of time ― namely, the older we get, the faster it feels.

Trying out new things can help it feel like time went by more slowly.

While you can’t slow time, you can do things to feel like it’s moving a little slower.

Bejan says many older people ask him how they can slow down time, “because everybody wants to live longer [and has] the urge to do more and better things with the time that is available.”

He said one way to do this is to experience things that are new and out of your usual regimen.

This could mean picking up a childhood hobby (like dancing or violin), taking an overnight trip to a city you’ve never visited or signing up for a cooking class. Learning new things is another good way to make your time feel longer when you look back on your life, he said.

Bejan stresses the adage “variety is the spice of life”: you should get out of your routine and take advantage of the time you have, which will only help make you feel like your year had more time to fill, he says.

Living a routine-only life makes the year fly really fast, he adds.

Lustig notes that being fully engaged and “in the moment” can make those moments seem to last longer. In fact, laboratory studies show that mindfulness exercises can stretch our perception of time, she says. So don’t try to focus on multiple tasks at once. Instead, just focus on the experience at hand.

“None of us know how much time we have, but, interestingly, we do actually have a lot of control over how we experience that time,” Lustig says. “So I encourage everybody to make the most of the time that you’ve got.”

The Problem With TikTok Therapists

Posted on 18/12/2022 by Boris Clair

In the past few years we’ve seen mental health and therapy content explode online. As the stigma towards therapy decreases, people are using social media to share the beauty that can come out of sitting down with a professional and talking.

Among those sharing videos, are therapists and counsellors who want to reach a wider audience.

As someone who has been in therapy, being able to watch content linked to anxiety has helped and encouraged me to continue to do the internal work. And let’s face it, accessing therapy can be both arduous and expensive – especially if you’re early in your career or you’re facing long NHS waiting lists – so these videos are a way for people to start work on themselves today, without paying a hefty fee.

However, there’s been recent debate around how therapists are using social media. There’s a big difference between a therapist who shares five tips for coping with anxiety – and a therapist who retells their client’s life story for likes. (And no, I won’t be sharing examples of the latter).

slightly concerned about the amount of doctors, nurses, & therapists trying to go viral on tiktok & insta…can at least *one* segment of society be, like, healthy and grounded enough to maybe not need validation from strangers via 15-second clips with spongebob music

— Liz Arcury (@LizArcury) December 11, 2022

tiktok has become the worst place because you got people in the medical field and therapists sharing patients and clients private stories

— blue (@dumbsurferrr) December 15, 2022

I had some students confide in me that their THERAPISTS were making fun of them on Tiktok. They were so completely traumatized, and I’m not sure they will even regain the ability to trust people in authority again. I would never make fun of a student.

— Kerry Leigh Craven (@craven_kerr) December 13, 2022

Snatch the licenses from therapists that come on tiktok and talk about their patients next.

— Asanwa baby (@fleetwoodmacro) December 11, 2022

Increasingly, it feels like it’s becoming normalised for therapists to speak about their clients in their social media, which has made people wonder how ethical this is.

“Therapists are not supposed to be using their clients to become influencers,” one therapist (@QueeringPsych) said on Twitter.

“Sharing helpful info (without generalising or diagnosing strangers) is great. Making your clients wonder if you’re gonna talk about them affects the relationship,” he added.

Therapists aren’t the only ones using social media to speak about their profession. American nurses recently came under fire after sharing their patient ‘icks’ on TikTok.

No job is perfect and being a nurse is a demanding job. But where is the line between raising awareness of the challenges of your profession and speaking about real-life patients? Does it matter if they’re unnamed? Or does it still cross a line?

Vuma Phiri, who is a 25-year-old paralegal from Western Australia, thinks the content therapists make is starting to go overboard.

“There are certain client-facing careers that need to avoid speaking about the people who come to see them because they visit you at their most vulnerable. It’s unethical to use their vulnerability to go viral,” Phiri says.

However, she shares that she’s benefitted from therapy content but mainly the therapists who give general advice without mentioning their clients’ experiences.

“You can definitely reach your audience well by giving out advice based on your knowledge rather than specifically speaking on those who come see you,” she says.

Phiri also says she’d be angry if her therapist used her story for a viral video. “The security I feel signing a confidentiality agreement would be breached by you speaking about me online on an app as far reaching as TikTok, even if I was anonymised.”

Crystal*, who has been going to therapy for some years, understands how these videos can help others, but “when its explicitly prefaced and explained as the story of a particular person, I think it’s invasive and an informal violation of trust,” she says.

She explains that she would feel violated if her therapist shared her story online. “How can I be baring my soul and telling a professional things that even my close family and friends don’t know and they’re using it as gist online for engagement?” asks the 24-year-old painter from London. “Even though only I would know it was about me, I would feel quite exposed.”

She adds that she’s never found hearing people’s personal stories in this context helpful. “It feels like entertainment and the focus is always on how juicy the story is rather than the healing/resolution/lesson to be learned,” Crystal adds.

Caroline Jesper, who’s head of professional standards at the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy’s (BACP), believes social media channels can be a great way to connect and communicate with people, and for therapists, it can be a good way to network with other professionals.

“However, it’s important therapists keep in mind their ethical values and principles while doing so,” she tells HuffPost UK.

“They shouldn’t breach confidentiality or publish anything on social media which could identify a client. They should also be aware that even when anonymising aspects of their client work, a client may see this and recognise themselves in being said. This would be a breach of trust in the therapeutic relationship.”

Are therapists allowed to speak about clients online?

Counselling Directory member Jennifer Warwick shares that there’s been some healthy debate amongst therapists about how, or if, they should use social media.

“Some stay well away, while others see it as a way of connecting and engaging with people,” Warwick says. “It’s a way of showing ourselves as being human and relatable.”

Therapists in the UK are bound by ethical guidelines set out by the governing boards, such as the BACP, so in theory this should prevent people crossing a line.

“Client confidentiality and privacy are key, so we need to make sure that no information that might identify the client is used,” Warwick explains.

“The BACP even have specific guidance for its members, which includes how social media relates to its ethical framework, maintaining clients’ privacy and confidentiality, as well as appropriate boundaries.”

But if you’re viewing this kind of content on TikTok – or you’re in therapy yourself – how can you judge when a therapist has shared too much?

“It’s vital for therapists to tread very carefully around this and not to share any identifiable information about clients, past or current.” Warwick adds.

“Imagine seeing a post from your therapist and thinking ‘they’re talking about me!’ even without them giving a name or location.”

She emphasis on the the importance of a health relationship between therapists and clients. “It makes no sense to have a client or potential client feel that we might not be safe to work with when they see us posting about a current client.

“It can however be helpful to talk about general themes or issues on social media that we work with, as this helps clients find the right therapist for them.”

Should therapists ask their clients if they can speak about them online?

“It’s definitely good to set boundaries with clients around social media use, for example, not responding to DMs or accepting friend requests,” Warwick says.

“Ideally, this would be stated as part of the therapist’s social media and also as part of the agreements made when starting with a client.”

“It might be good to discuss with a client how we use social media, to be there to answer any questions they might have and put their minds at ease so they know we are bound by ethical guidelines in our work, which protects our clients’ privacy and confidentiality.”

If you have concerns about your therapist, the BACP advises trying to speak to your therapist first to try to resolve the issue directly with them. But if you think confidentiality has been breached, you can make a formal complaint.

Help and support:

Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI – this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.

Is There A Best Time Of Day For Therapy? Here’s What Therapists Say

Posted on 16/12/2022 by Boris Clair

There are a few crucial items to figure out when starting therapy – like finding a therapist who you trust, picking the best treatment modality, and figuring out a way to fit a session into your schedule.

When it comes to the latter, the time you choose may be more influential than you think. Is it a bad idea to do it during your lunch break? Should you try to have your session at the start of the week? Is there even such a thing as an ideal therapy schedule?

“The best time of the day to have a therapy session depends on a variety of factors, and it varies based on the individual,” said Kristen Casey, a clinical psychologist and insomnia specialist. “Every person has a different schedule, lifestyle and ways of coping with the emotional hangover from a therapy session.”

In other words, there isn’t a “one-size-fits-all” answer, and it may take some trial and error to find the time that works for you. With that in mind, here are some factors that you’ll want to consider when it comes to determining the best time of day to schedule your next therapy session.

Think about what you’re going to talk about

It’s pretty difficult to say with certainty what topics are going to arise during a session, but if you have an idea of the subject matter that you plan on talking about, then that can be helpful in determining what time to schedule your next appointment.

“If you are working on intensive trauma that leaves you drained after each session, it might not be the best to do a session right in the middle of the work day,” said Kristen Gingrich, licensed clinical social worker and certified drug and alcohol counsellor. “However, if the only time you can find is in the middle of the day between different tasks, it’s important to make sure that you schedule time to help regulate yourself to make sure that it is not going to impact your day.”

Consider what processing looks like for you

If you’ve had a therapy session during lunch at work and then had to hop on a meeting in the next hour, then you might have realized that you need more time to process your appointment since your mind is still actively churning thoughts. In those scenarios, you’ll want to try to schedule your therapy session for a time where you’ll have some time afterward to recollect yourself.

“Try to schedule a bit of a buffer before and after to make the most of your session and give yourself space to process what you’ve just worked on,” said Dr. Nina Vasan, the chief medical officer at Real, a mental health platform. “Otherwise it can feel jarring to jump back into work or daily life.”

It can be helpful to develop a post-therapy ritual if your schedule allows it to come down from heightened emotions. This can be as simple as taking a nap, going on a quick walk, reading your favorite book, mindfully drinking a cup of tea, or anything that helps ground you back into your daily routine.

When scheduling your sessions, think about when you'll have some downtime to process what you discussed with your therapist. — When scheduling your sessions, think about when you’ll have some downtime to process what you discussed with your therapist.

Think about when you’re most productive

After a long day at work, the last thing you might want to do is have another hour-long conversation. Even though it’s a voluntary activity, it can still be overwhelming for some people. If that sounds familiar, then the best time for a therapy session may not be at the end of the day.

However, if you’re a morning person, then a session before work may be more beneficial. “For example, maybe you’re distracted in the morning by the commitments you have for your day. In that case, an evening appointment could be better,” Vasan said. “For others, by the evening, energy is zapped which means meeting earlier in the day is more productive.”

Think about it: If you’re paying for a session, you want to make sure it’s at a time where it’s going to have your complete attention so you can focus entirely on your healing journey.

Discuss a good schedule with your therapist

Unfortunately, it isn’t always possible to schedule a therapy appointment at the time of the day that works “best for you.”

Since many therapists have full case loads, it can be a challenge to cater to everyone’s needs, said Kelly McKenna, a licensed clinical social worker and anxiety therapist. That’s not to say your therapist won’t work with you to find a time that is most beneficial, but due to the nature of the job and the schedule, sometimes it isn’t always possible.

In this instance, for example, you may want to find a therapist who works on a routine weekly schedule (ie. you see them at the same day and time every week). Not every therapist operates like this, so you may just have to succumb to one of the open slots they have left, but each case is different, so a conversation is definitely necessary to figure out a cadence that works for everyone.

‘My Boyfriend Is Great, So Why Do I Want Sex With Other People?’

Posted on 15/12/2022 by Boris Clair

You’re reading Love Stuck, where trained therapists answer your dating, sex and relationship dilemmas. You can submit a question here.

The feeling of finding your perfect match is something you can’t explain – like that person was handmade for you and can fulfil all your wants and needs. But what happens if you think you’ve met your soulmate, but still find yourself fancying other people, even wanting to stray.

This is Katie’s dilemma. “My boyfriend is super nice, so sweet, surprises me often, sex is amazing, it’s the first relationship I’ve ever been in that’s healthy but for some reason, I want to have sex with other people,” Katie says.

“I don’t think I love him as much as I thought I did. What do I do? He moved in with me after four months of dating and now I don’t want him there but he’s doing nothing wrong, it’s just me. What do I do?”

Counselling Directory member Ilia Galouzidi is on hand to give Katie her advice.

What is your initial response to this dilemma? What would you say to this reader?

Galouzidi says she thinks it’s great that Katie has found someone who matches her in several areas and that she considers it a healthy relationship. However, she says that “we may often think that once we form a relationship that feels healthy with another person, we automatically abandon the part of ourselves that gets attracted by other people or needs to be seen and feel wanted.”

And it doesn’t usually work this way, she adds.

“We may enjoy being attracted by others or being attractive to others and still run an honest loving relationship with our partner,” Galouzidi says. “This is mainly because the feeling of desire and the feeling of love are different things.”

Why might a person crave sex with others, even in a good relationship?

Galouzidi wants Katie to start by asking herself the following question: am I usually craving sex from being attracted to someone, or when someone is attracted to me?

“Responding yes might just mean you appreciate attractiveness to people and/or you have a high sexual drive. If you tend towards the latter, you may want to think about how important is to you to feel attractive,” Galouzidi says.

“Then in relation to your relationship: do you feel desired, and equally, how much do you desire your partner? Desire is usually about elements of mystery, playfulness, and unpredictability.

“So you may also want to ask yourself: what elements make someone desirable to me? Am I desiring my partner in this way?”

How can moving in together change the dynamic of a relationship?

Moving in with someone can be challenging for couples, says Galouzidi.

“Although it has its benefits and may bring closeness to the partners, it can also create a lot of changes to their lifestyles,” she explains. “Suddenly, people may lose their private space or need to claim their private moments.”

Katie might want to ask yourself: how has my lifestyle changed? Which changes are welcome and which are more challenging? The answers to these questions can help a couple set boundaries to make sure each party respects the other person’s space and lifestyle, says Galouzidi.

Then, there is the element of familiarity. “Moving in together may get us familiar with each other’s habits, preferences, and peculiarities, which on one hand may create a sense of closeness and intimacy, but on the other hand, may take away the “mystery” and excitement that comes with it,” Galouzidi explains.

What practical steps can this reader take to figure out what she wants and adjust her relationship accordingly?

Galouzidi suggests Katie does a bit of self-exploration and reflection by asking herself the questions above to gain a deeper understanding of her personal needs and non-negotiables in the relationship. She may then want to share her findings with her partner in a non-judgmental way.

“Remember, a healthy relationship also means being able to put clear boundaries and feel heard and respected,” says Galouzidi. “You may find it helpful to pencil down time in your calendars when each of you can have some privacy at home. Also, you may want to try different sex games with your partner to ignite mystery and playfulness in the bedroom.”

She also wants Katie to ask herself how close to enacting her sex cravings she is. “Does it require effort from your end to be loyal to your partner? You are not a bad person if you answered: very close or very effortful. I am sure you respect your partner’s feelings and your intention is to be truthful to him.

“However, maybe clarifying your needs at the moment is crucial, so you can show up to yourself and your relationship with honesty.”

Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.

How Sleep Experts Get Through The Day When They’re Sleep-Deprived

Posted on 12/12/2022 by Boris Clair

If you’ve ever pulled an all-nighter or spent the night tossing and turning, you know how awful it can feel to be sleep-deprived.

Your body might ache, you may struggle to pay attention and your mood will most likely take a hit. This is because sleep is linked to nearly every important bodily function — it affects our immune system and our appetite, our stress hormones and our metabolism, our blood pressure and our cardiovascular system. Even a single night of poor sleep can trigger a wide range of health effects (which is why you may feel so crummy after that late night out).

Most of us need between seven and eight hours of sleep a night to feel alert and healthy the next day. But for whatever reason, that’s not always possible. In fact, a study recently published in JAMA Network Open found that nearly half of Americans are sleep-deprived on a regular basis.

The best way to combat sleep deprivation is ― well, to sleep. There’s really no quick fix, but there are a handful of tips and tricks that can make the day more bearable. We asked a few sleep specialists to share how they cope when they’re sleep-deprived. Here’s what they said.

Don’t stress about it

This is easier said than done, but it’s helpful not to get fixated on the fact that you’re sleep-deprived.

When Fiona Barwick, the director of the sleep and circadian health program at Stanford Health Care, is low on sleep, she reminds herself not to worry about it because she knows her body will do what it takes to get back on track.

Our sleep drive is a self-correcting system that naturally tries to keep the sleep-wake cycle in balance. “If we don’t sleep well one night, we’ll sleep better the next night. If we worry about it, however, our sleep will be worse,” Barwick said.

Expose yourself to light

Barwick also makes a point to expose herself to some bright light first thing in the morning. Our sleep-wake cycle is heavily dependent on light — daylight sends a signal to our brain that it’s time to get up and be active, while darkness sends the cue that it’s almost time to go to bed.

Exposing yourself to light when you first wake up “suppresses melatonin, which increases alertness and boosts mood,” Barwick said. It’ll also help keep your circadian rhythm in check, which should help you sleep more soundly at night.

Have some caffeine (but not too much)

It might seem obvious, but yes: Coffee helps. This is because caffeine blocks adenosine, a chemical in our body that increases the need for sleep. As a result, caffeine makes us feel less sleepy and improves learning and decision-making if you’re sleep-deprived, according to Dr. Andrey Zinchuk, a sleep medicine doctor with Yale Medicine.

But while it may be tempting to keep refilling your mug, it’s important to be mindful of how much caffeine you consume.

“I don’t have too much caffeine, as I want to avoid the crash that occurs when its alerting effects eventually subside,” Barwick said.

Dr. Wissam Chatila, a pulmonologist at Temple Lung Center and professor of thoracic medicine and surgery at the Lewis Katz School of Medicine at Temple University, advises against having that late-afternoon cup of coffee.

“If taken at the wrong time — e.g. late in evening — then they will interfere with sleep later on,” he said.

A little caffeine can go a long way after a night of poor sleep.

Take a catnap

If you’re able to squeeze in a 30- to 60-minute catnap, go for it. A short nap can improve alertness, sleepiness, memory and exercise capacity.

On the flip side, a lengthier midday snooze can actually impair cognitive function, Chatila said, and potentially make it even harder to complete tasks. Make sure to set an alarm so you don’t overdo it.

“I keep the nap relatively short so that I don’t use up too much sleep drive, as I want to save most of it for the coming night,” Barwick said.

If you’re not a napper, even getting some deep rest can be beneficial, Barwick said. Ten to 30 minutes of yoga nidra, a meditative yoga practice that involves deep relaxation, can help you feel refreshed and more attentive.

Go for a walk

When Barwick can’t nap, she tries to go for a walk outside. Even a 10-minute walk can significantly reduce stress, boost your mood and increase alertness, research shows.

Plus, it can build up your sleep drive, which should help you doze off at night.

“That helps to further ensure I will get better sleep the coming night,” Barwick said.

Know that your body is resilient

Lastly, don’t beat yourself up. Our bodies are incredibly resilient, which is why we’re still able to function even when we’re sleep-deprived. (Think about all you’ve been able to accomplish on those days when you didn’t get enough sleep.)

Don’t assume the day will be a wash just because you didn’t get the sleep you needed, Barwick said. Go easy on yourself, and listen to your body.

“I don’t cut back on what I planned to do, but I also don’t beat myself up if I get less done than I wanted,” she said.

Feeling Drained? You’re Probably Dealing With ‘Energy Leakage.’ Here’s What To Know.

Posted on 07/12/2022 by Boris Clair

When thinking about the ways you spend your energy, what comes to mind are likely the things that are commonly known as “draining” — work, commuting, running errands, the list goes on.

But there are smaller, everyday moments that can be just as depleting. Those are what Melissa Urban, the co-founder and CEO of Whole30 and New York Times bestselling author of “The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free,” calls “energy leakages.”

According to Urban, energy leakage — while not a clinical phrase — is “the invisible ways that we spend energy throughout the day that leaves us feeling drained.”

She noted that “every interaction you have, whether you’re meeting your mum for lunch or replying to a social media comment … is an energetic exchange and sometimes those exchanges can leave you feeling really invigorated and positive and restored … but, in other times … you just feel depleted, you feel anxious, you feel overwhelmed, you feel frustrated.”

In other words, interactions that result in energy leakage are those interactions that consume “more energy than they’re giving back,” Urban said.

So, if you are dealing with a friend who always treats you like a therapist or are getting upset when scrolling through photos of an ex, you may be dealing with energy leakage.

Here are some unexpected ways you’re draining your energy and what to do about it.

Your phone and social media are huge sources of energy leakage.

According to Urban, your phone and social media are major culprits of energy leakage. “It feels effortless to just lie in bed and scroll and post or leave a comment or follow comments down the rabbit hole,” she said but “that is an energetic exchange.”

And, most of the time, you are not getting any energy back after looking at social media — especially when you’re comparing your life to someone else’s on Instagram, checking a toxic social media account or reading hateful comments.

Think about it: Do you ever feel better after social media stalking? Probably not.

Kids can be draining, too.

As wonderful as they are, kids can be a reason for energy leakage, too, Urban said.

“Kids are needy, they need things all the time, and they don’t have the processing for you to be like, ‘Dude, I need a minute,’” she said.

When kids need something, they need something. And that’s OK (you can’t exactly tell a 4-year-old to make their own dinner), but there are ways you may be adding to this energy leak.

You may be expending extra energy on your child (like many parents can’t help but do) — for example, frequently checking in with your child when they’re quietly playing, or asking if they need a snack or water when they’re content, Urban noted. In the end, you’re putting more pressure on yourself in this moment when, really, your child is just fine.

Beyond kids, specific people in your life can be ‘energy vampires.’

“I think everyone knows what it feels like to leave a conversation with that person who is an ‘energy vampire,’” Urban said. “You just feel like they sucked all the life out of you.”

These could be colleagues who constantly complain to you about work or family members who need a lot of support (but don’t give any support back).

There’s probably someone in your life who fits the “energy vampire” mould; signs include leaving an interaction completely depleted or exhausted.

Urban noted that this can be especially tough for those who have people-pleasing tendencies. You may feel like it’s extra hard to deal with energy vampires because they just take and take and take.

Staying angry about things that should be left in the past is another culprit.

How many times have you been cut off in traffic and let it ruin your entire afternoon?

This, Urban said, is another major driver of energy leakage: “That’s energy you are spending on something that isn’t even real anymore” — it happened in the past.

The same goes for holding grudges along with anything that puts our energy in the past or future, she noted, so things like rehearsing disaster and negative self-talk, too.

Certain people in your life may unknowingly drain your energy.

Energy leakage is related to a feeling of mindlessness.

Alayna L. Park, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Oregon, told HuffPost that the concept of energy leakage reminds her of mindlessness — the opposite of the popular practice known as mindfulness, which she defined as “paying attention to the present moment.”

Mindlessness is what Park describes as going on autopilot.

“Going on autopilot isn’t always going to drain your energy,” but a lot of the reasons we experience energy leakage — checking our phones, scrolling social media, agreeing to an event you don’t want to attend — happen because our minds are on autopilot, she added.

“We’re just kind of going through our day without always having an intention in mind,” Park said, and that can be particularly damaging when it comes to activities that exhaust you.

There are ways to help combat this feeling.

“If you know you’re about to do something that’s draining, [give] yourself a small reward afterward,” Park said. This way, you’ll have something to look forward to during a draining activity or interaction.

The reward doesn’t have to be huge. It can be something simple like going for a short walk after a meeting with someone who drains your energy or rewarding yourself with a piece of chocolate after going through a situation that led to a feeling of energy leakage.

Park also suggested setting a timer for activities that lead to energy leakage. For example, if you want to scroll social media but know it depletes your energy, you can set a time limit so you won’t just be endlessly scrolling.

Or, if there’s someone in your life who depletes your energy (and you still have to see them … like a colleague, for example) you can limit your meetings with this person to 30 minutes and remind yourself that “I can do anything for 30 minutes, even if it’s unpleasant,” Park added.

But, how much time you need to restore your energy will vary.

Urban said it’s important to know where you draw your energy from — if you’re introverted (meaning you recharge from time alone) or extroverted (you gain energy from spending time with other people) — in terms of handling your energy leakage.

If you don’t know if you’re an introvert or extrovert, “you can use Susan Cain’s super simple introvert-extrovert model,” to determine how you get your energy, Urban added.

“If you’re extroverted where being around other people makes you feel energised, you might need less quiet or alone time to restore energy leakage,” Urban said, “and you might want to choose to spend time specifically with the people who you know make you feel energised.”

For those who are introverted, you will likely need a lot more alone time to restore your energy, she noted.

Keep track of what makes you feel this way.

You may not know exactly what drains your energy, and that’s OK, Park said. If you notice you are dealing with this feeling of energy leakage at the end of every day, make a point to take note of your actions in the days to come.

To decipher what is making you feel this way, pay attention to your actions, emotions and physical sensation, she said.

When it comes to emotions, when we are on the path to feeling drained, “we might notice we’re a little more irritable than usual, or down or anxious,” Park said. Additionally, you may notice that your heart is racing or your face feels hot, she said.

Another major sign? If you’re going about your day and not doing necessary self-care tasks like working out or keeping your home in order, you may be dealing with energy leakage, too.

If any of this rings true, take a step back and think about the tasks or interactions in the day that could have led to this moment.

“An issue I see a lot it almost seems like this all or nothing — you’re fine and then you notice, ‘Oh, I’m really drained right now,’” Park said, “It can be helpful to catch before you hit the ‘I’m completely drained right now.’”

It’s important to set boundaries.

“Setting boundaries is a huge and important factor in energy leakage — you want to set boundaries with friends, family members, co-workers or co-parents who are overstepping your capacity,” Urban said.

This can include telling someone that certain topics are off-limits, that you don’t want to take part in gossip or that you will leave a conversation if it turns mean.

Boundaries look different for everyone and should address the need that your energy leakage is trying to show you — so if something makes you feel drained or anxious, you probably need to establish some boundaries.

While boundary-setting can be tough, setting boundaries is “immediately going to allow you to reclaim some of that energy,” Urban said.