Prince William Worries About His Grandparents But Is Keeping In Touch With Video Calls

HuffPost is part of Verizon Media. Click ‘I agree‘ to allow Verizon Media and our partners to use cookies and similar technologies to access your device and use your data (including location) to understand your interests, and provide and measure personalised ads. We will also provide you with personalised ads on partner products. Learn more about how we use your data in our Privacy Centre. Once you confirm your privacy choices here, you can make changes at any time by visiting your Privacy dashboard.

Click ‘Learn more‘ to learn and customise how Verizon Media and our partners collect and use data.

Share Button

99 Little Things We Cannot Wait To Do When This Is All Over

HuffPost is part of Verizon Media. Click ‘I agree‘ to allow Verizon Media and our partners to use cookies and similar technologies to access your device and use your data (including location) to understand your interests, and provide and measure personalised ads. We will also provide you with personalised ads on partner products. Learn more about how we use your data in our Privacy Centre. Once you confirm your privacy choices here, you can make changes at any time by visiting your Privacy dashboard.

Click ‘Learn more‘ to learn and customise how Verizon Media and our partners collect and use data.

Share Button

Your Most Daunting Open Loops

An open loop typically refers to an unfinished project, task, or assignment. Sometimes people will extend the definition to include their major goals as well.

I’ve been finding a lot of value in extending this concept to include anything that pops into my mind where I don’t feel that I’ve achieved sufficient closure. If my mind is dedicating some internal processing cycles to a thought pattern that isn’t aligned with what I’m doing in the moment, that’s a distraction. And many of those distractions come from unresolved open loops.

These open loops could be little things, like a past memory that pops up. Or they could be significant concerns, like trying to get clarity on the coronavirus situation.

So instead of just thinking of an open loop as an incomplete item on my to-do list, I think of it as any thought pattern that pulls my mind away from what I’m doing.

Resolving Open Loops

There are multiple ways to handle an open loop:

  • Fully complete it, so it’s 100% done.
  • Make a plan for how you’ll complete it.
  • Schedule on your calendar when you’ll plan it or complete it.
  • Push it down to a Someday / Maybe list to consider later, in which case you also need a routine for regularly reviewing that list, like once per calendar quarter.
  • Delegate or outsource it to someone else, in which case you still need to follow up to make sure they finish it, so it remains an open loop for you till they get it done.
  • Let it go if you can do that, which may include forgiveness, especially forgiving yourself.

When I extended my definition of open loops to include more than just action items, I found that these solutions generally applied as well. I just needed to be more creative in how I resolve different types of open loops.

Suppose I have a past memory that bugs or disturbs me. Maybe I have some trauma associated with it. That’s an unprocessed open loop. If I don’t resolve my feelings about the memory, it could continue disrupting me for years to come. Do I really want it to do that? Probably not. Is this a problem that can be solved? Yes. It’s a mental pattern, and mental patterns can be changed. Sometimes it takes a deep and serious effort to change an entrenched mental pattern, but as with many skills, the more you practice, the more you can lean on this skill when you need it. The Stature course in particular goes deep into these skills and practices.

One approach that almost universally fails with open loops is trying to resist them. If you try to resist a memory, that doesn’t work any better than trying to resist a project. The memory or the project will remain, patiently haunting you till you deal with it more proactively.

I’ve found that if I’m flexible and creative in my approach to processing just about any kind of open loop, I can bring it to resolution over time and feel that I’ve finally closed it. When the loop feels resolved and closed, my mind can relax a little more in that one area, and I’ve freed up some otherwise stuck mental energy.

Unresolved Open Loops

Here are some types of open loops that can be resolved if you invest enough in bringing them to closure:

  • Do you have an aligned morning routine that consistently gets you off to a strong start to each day? The lack of a good morning routine is an unresolved open loop. Same goes for a decent morning routine that’s inconsistently maintained.
  • Have you figured out how to consistently eat and exercise so that you feel good, have abundant energy, and don’t fight with your health habits? If not, that’s an open loop.
  • Do you have any chronic health conditions that are probably reversible? Do you know if they’re reversible or not? Have you done whatever it takes to fix them? This may require major lifestyle and habit changes. Is it possible though? If it’s possible to solve these problems and you haven’t solved them yet, that’s a significant open loop that could distract you. Imagine if you permanently solved these problems and could finally let them go for good. Alternatively, you could deeply welcome and accept them as-is. But if you still feel some resistance towards them, that’s an open loop.
  • Are you in a misaligned relationship? Or are you single and feeling misaligned with that? If you’re not feeling good about your relationship situation, that’s an open loop. It won’t go away on its own. It will just keep nagging you till you properly address it and finally solve it. Is this a solvable problem? Yes. You may need to do a ton of inner work, but many other people have done that, and they enjoy happy relationships as a result. Knowing that other people have already created situations that you desire could nag at you endlessly till you finally close this open loop for yourself.
  • How are you handling the current coronavirus situation? Are you able to handle the uncertainty regarding what will happen next? If not, then you haven’t processed the situation well enough yet. You may still need to do some reframing till you’ve come up with a flexible and adaptable strategy. If you’re feeling off balance, that’s an open loop. It’s possible to feel balanced and grounded amidst major changes and uncertainty.

Self-control

You may see a common pattern here. All of these require great self-control and self-discipline. There’s no getting around that.

Resisting the need for self-control is itself an open loop. If you try to fight the obviousness of this, the open loop will just keep staring at you. And you’ll keep spending more mental processing cycles thinking about it again and again. And again!

Another problem is that low self-control tends to create more open loops. If you don’t muster the resolve to close these open loops, they’ll eventually pile up, which can start to feel overwhelming. Then the temptation is to sink into constant self-distraction to avoid having to deal with them. A better solution is to recognize and admit the tremendous need to work on one’s self-control, and then train yourself to build that muscle.

Many open loops look smaller and less daunting when you build your self-control. The first step is just deciding that this matters to you and that you’ll need to invest in this for life.

Putting a good plan in place can help to quiet a pesky open loop, even if the plan isn’t very good and won’t actually work. But when you create a thorough plan that you truly believe can work, the effect is even stronger.

Our lives are filled with solvable problems that we haven’t actually solved, troublesome memories that we haven’t fully integrated, and relationship troubles that we haven’t fully forgiven or released. These are open loops.

A simple realization is that if you can develop better self-control, you can close more open loops because you’ll have more capacity to do so. But how do you build more self-control? You can build self-control by closing open loops.

Start by closing the easier open loops. Don’t just settle into busywork each day. Pick some open loops that you can fully close. Then close them. It’s like training with lighter weights before you move to heavier weights.

Closing Open Loops

This is how I like to flow through my workdays. I identify open loops that I’d like to close that day. Maybe I list a bunch of smaller open loops. Maybe I decide to tackle one big open loop. Or maybe I pick an open loop that’s a meaningful slice of a larger project. Then I prefer to work single-mindedly to close these loops one by one.

Having an article idea pop into my mind is an open loop. So to close that loop, I have to write and publish the article. I prefer to do that in one sitting when possible. I virtually never outline an article one day and then write and edit it the next day since that would leave an open loop overnight. If I’m going to give my attention to an open loop, I want to bring it to some form of closure before I move on to the next task or project.

It feels much more rewarding to me to close a few open loops during a day than it feels to chip away at a bunch of projects and not fully close anything. Driving tasks to full completion is often difficult and requires great tenacity sometimes, but nothing beats the feeling of getting to 100% done.

Processing the Coronavirus Open Loop

If you were reading my blog last month, you may have noticed that I focused intently on the coronavirus situation for a while, writing many articles about it. The virus introduced a major unresolved open loop to my life and to the lives of my readers, and I wanted to give it sufficient attention to fully process it until I could achieve some form of closure with it. Every day I tried to advance my understanding of the situation, make reasoned predictions, assess the risks, and make aligned decisions for how to proceed. I couldn’t just ignore that giant open loop and stick it on the back burner.

I found this extremely helpful. It allowed me to get up to speed quickly with the new reality. This helped me determine if I needed to make any course corrections or adaptations. For instance, I decided to drop the plan to do a new workshop in the Fall. There was too much uncertainty over the viability of that idea. So that was an open loop of uncertainty that I had to resolve and close. I can always add that project back when it becomes viable again, but I find it better to close that loop for now by taking it off my plate. That way I’m not dwelling on it in the back of my mind, and I can free up that mental energy for other projects.

Like many people, I also had to do some extra processing on Trump’s depths of lying, stupidity, incompetence, and utter ridiculousness in handling the virus situation. Pretty much every day, the news headlines is some form of, “Yup… Trump is still behaving like a toddler.” Sadly I’m not joking. I have to factor in how having a moron for a President could affect my life. That’s an open loop that takes some processing to resolve, so I don’t feel knocked off balance by his endless acts of idiocy. Interestingly, this actually lead me to feel more grateful and appreciative of sane, intelligent, and honest people.

Eventually I felt that I grasped the possibilities of the coronavirus situation well enough, and I’d done what I could to practice and promote the importance of social distancing early on (when it matters most). So this no longer felt like a major open loop in my life. While it’s still an ongoing and evolving situation, I’ve settled into a way of keeping up to date that feels balanced and doesn’t distract me while I’m working on other projects. Until the situation changes in some way I didn’t already factor in, I don’t feel that it needs as much direct personal attention anymore.

Growing Stronger

If you broaden your definition of open loops, what do you see? What still needs more processing to bring those open loops to full resolution? What thoughts and feelings still nag at you?

A good test is whether you feel chill about a situation. If you still feel some tension and your mind can’t relax, there’s more processing to be done to close the loop.

I find a lot of benefit in just asking: What would it really take to fully close this loop for the rest of my life?

Then I try to be deeply honest with myself. The answer may initially seem like it would take a Herculean effort, but it only seems so relative to my current strength. If I had Hercules’ strength, then a Herculean effort would seem pretty normal. Oh… it’s another Hydra… no problem! Then I see it as a character sculpting challenge to build the necessary strength, however long it takes.

This is my preferred way to frame persistent open loops that are extremely difficult to close. They’re character sculpting challenges, inviting me to grow into a smarter and more capable human being, so I can finally close them. If I don’t accept and commit to the growth challenge, I can never hope to close those open loops, and they’ll pester me for the rest of my life. Accepting the growth challenge is the wise choice then.

Even when it’s really difficult to do so, reaching the point of full closure of a persistent open loop can be so rewarding that it’s worth pursuing. The greatest reward is to experience the character you created in order to finally close those loops.

Share Button

Consistent Awakening Times

One challenge that can make it difficult to create a consistent daily flow is getting up at inconsistent times throughout the week. If I get up at different times that could diverge by an hour or more, I find it difficult to have a consistent morning routine.

Initially I thought it shouldn’t make a big difference if I get up at 5am, 6am, or 7am. As long as I get enough sleep, I can run through my morning routine when I first awaken.

But for some reason, it does make a difference. I find it much harder to get my mind to follow the same morning routine if I try to run through it at different times of day. That could be because the cues are different, especially if I sometimes get up before dawn and sometimes after.

Another factor is how I feel about my awakening time emotionally. Getting up at 5am feels good to me. I feel more disciplined. I love being up before dawn and already gliding through the flow of my morning when the sun greets me.

If I don’t get up till after dawn, I start my day feeling slightly disappointed. The sunlight reminds me that I blew it. I feel that I’ve missed out on that serenely beautiful pre-dawn time that anchors me to my day. If the sun catches me in bed, it means I’ve missed the boat for that day. It corrupts how I feel about the day as a whole, even if I still have a pretty good day overall.

If I sleep in late, like till 6:30am or 7am, it throws off my rhythm. I feel out of sync with what I’m supposed to be doing. When I go downstairs and it’s already light in the kitchen, I feel a bit more confused about what to do. My internal and external cues aren’t the same. I can still generally flow through a decent routine, but it’s more effortful because I have to consciously think about each step. And some part of my mind is wasting energy processing thoughts like, “I should have gotten up at 5am,” or “If I’d gotten up at 5am, I’d already have a new article published by now, which would have been lovely, but now I’m stuck in the quantum universe where I slept in late.”

For these reasons I find that the ideal solution is to awaken at a fixed time each day. That one habit anchors my day. I’ve been doing that consistently lately, and I find that it adds such a beautiful flow to my days. Every day starts with a wondrous gift.

I absolutely love getting out of bed when it’s still dark. I like knowing that I got a few things done while the rest of the world is slumbering. When I write and publish a new article early in my day, it feels like I’m making a personal development breakfast for people to gift them with when they’re ready.

I find it best to do this seven days a week. Taking a day off here and there doesn’t feel like a reward or an easing of discipline. It feels like I’m denying myself the gift of the pre-dawn time that I love so much.

This simple daily discipline is a friend. It’s a trainer. I used to resist it and fight with it a lot, especially when I was younger. I’d rebel against the need for it. And I missed out on many of life’s gifts. Now I’m in tune with the flow of those gifts, and it’s a wonderful place to be.

I like to awaken with an alarm each day. It’s my gentle invitation to begin a fresh, new day. It’s not jarring or unpleasant. It’s the wrapping paper that contains the beautiful gift of that magical morning time. I never use the snooze feature; to do so would be like pushing the gift back in someone’s face.

What’s the first gift you could give yourself to begin each day? How do your best days typically begin? What would happen if you consistently gave yourself that gift every single day?

Share Button

All 65 Stature Lessons Complete

Yesterday I finished creating and publishing all of the lessons for the co-creative Stature character sculpting deep dive.

The full course is 16 hours and 20 minutes of audio, with the average lesson being 15 minutes. I wanted to keep the lessons for this course very focused and tight.

There’s also a 138-page workbook to accompany the audio lessons, including a one-page summary for each lesson and exercises to apply each lesson. That’s complete as well.

Additionally we have full text transcripts published for most of the lessons now, and the remainder will be done within the next several days.

And next up there are several more bonuses to create for the course as well, so we’ll add those as soon as they’re ready.

Here’s the full list of published audio lessons:

Module 1: Awareness

  1. Introduction
  2. The Airing of Grievances
  3. The Airing of Commendations
  4. Who Do You Think You Are?
  5. Impossible Invitations
  6. Summoning Your Power
  7. Avoiding Your Power
  8. To the Pain
  9. To the Love
  10. Backstory
  11. Personal Trainers
  12. Self Sculpting
  13. Your Origin Story

Module 2: Harmony

  1. Choosing Harmony
  2. Ridiculous Ridicule
  3. Stepwise Character Growth
  4. Aligned Income
  5. Expressive Alignment
  6. Expressive Commitment
  7. Family
  8. Making Progress
  9. Sweet Surrender
  10. Character Care
  11. Immortality

Module 3: Desire

  1. Opinionated You
  2. Pointers to Desire
  3. The Child Inside
  4. Wanting
  5. Inner Demons
  6. Chorus
  7. Pretending to Care
  8. Spontaneity
  9. Decision Rituals
  10. You Are So Lovable

Module 4: Courage

  1. The Voice of the Heart
  2. Trust
  3. Dancing with Fear
  4. Edginess
  5. Directness
  6. Adaptability
  7. Don’t Get Stuck
  8. Opening the Heart
  9. Courage Training
  10. Defending Your Character

Module 5: Will

  1. Responsibility
  2. The Source of Power
  3. Investment
  4. Balance
  5. Fame
  6. Reputation
  7. Dreaming Sideways
  8. Character in Crisis
  9. Wireframing
  10. Defining Your Core
  11. Fire

Module 6: Voice

  1. Memories
  2. Sculpting the World
  3. Embodiment
  4. Mortality
  5. Experiences
  6. Authority
  7. Self-control
  8. Developing Discipline
  9. Releasing
  10. Journey’s End

While I could say that this was a 3-1/2 month project since I’ve been designing and recording lessons for it since December, it was actually a multi-year project since I’ve been engaging with these ideas and developing this course in some fashion for a few years.

Originally this was going to be conceived as a course on clarity, then it evolved into one on goal setting. But I realized that in order to do those topics justice, we have to get to know ourselves very deeply. In order to set aligned and intelligent goals, we have to know who we are and what matters to us. In order to have clarity about anything else in life, we must create sufficient clarity about ourselves.

Without this depth of self-understanding, it’s very difficult to set meaningful goals and work towards them consistently. If you’ve ever set a goal and then lost sight of it within a few weeks or months, then you’re already familiar with that experience.

To do such deep work into personal awareness, we need ample courage too, so that’s a major part of the course with a whole module being dedicated to it. Sometimes the most courageous acts involve looking deeply into the parts of ourselves that most disturb us.

I’m delighted that many of the lessons were co-creatively inspired by feedback and suggestions from course participants who signed up during the first quarter of the year. Some people provided some really great seeds of ideas that were developed into full lessons or parts of lessons. For instance, I recall that lesson 2.2 on Ridiculous Ridicule (i.e. your inner critic), lesson 3.5 on Inner Demons, lesson 5.5 on Fame, and lesson 6.9 on Releasing were all created because of suggestions received.

I’m absolutely delighted with how this course turned out. It’s been a tremendous amount of work and a huge focus of my life for so long. I’ve been publishing each lesson as soon as it’s ready, so new lessons have been getting added every week since we started in early January. Hundreds of people signed up for Stature in January and have been going through it. Some are going slowly, still on Module 2 or 3. Others are close to finishing Module 6.

I feel pretty happy now that the long journey of creating the core lessons for this course is complete. I have this nice warm feeling in my heart this morning. Even though many of us are in some form of lockdown right now, I feel a strong sense of connection with the people who’ve been going through the course, like we’ve been communicating energetically from a distance. I also feel that what we’ve co-created together is really beautiful and magnificent.

Creating this course is easily one of the top five projects of my life, largely due to the decades of experience it took to create it. It feels amazing to share this unique creative contribution with people.

It’s been transformational for me to engage with these ideas so deeply for so long. I feel that I’ve emerged from this process a different person, especially in terms of my ability to focus well and maintain good self-control. Developing this course refactored my previous ways of connecting the dots among ideas, so now I mentally and emotionally link ideas together in ways that feel fresh and exciting. It felt like going through a gradual rejuvenation process, and some aspects of life feel easier as a result.

While the world is undergoing major shifts right now, I feel grounded and safe in the midst of the chaos. Somehow this course gave me a deep sense of inner peace. That may also be because I’ve improved many of my habits and reworked my entire daily routine along the way.

It’s especially satisfying to know that since this is a timeless course, people can be benefitting from it for decades to come.

A huge thanks to my wife Rachelle as well for helping with the course creation, including compiling and editing the lesson transcripts, many discussions of ideas, and abundant cuddle breaks to recharge along the way. ❤️

Share Button

Baking Ingredient Swaps You Need To Know For Easter Weekend

HuffPost is part of Verizon Media. Click ‘I agree‘ to allow Verizon Media and our partners to use cookies and similar technologies to access your device and use your data (including location) to understand your interests, and provide and measure personalised ads. We will also provide you with personalised ads on partner products. Learn more about how we use your data in our Privacy Centre. Once you confirm your privacy choices here, you can make changes at any time by visiting your Privacy dashboard.

Click ‘Learn more‘ to learn and customise how Verizon Media and our partners collect and use data.

Share Button

Using Paper Tools

While digital tools can be nice for productivity because of their features, they also have many drawbacks:

  • Digital tools tether you to using a digital device, which can be full of highly accessible distractions.
  • Software still tends to be rigid, limited to the capabilities that are actually implemented by the developers.
  • Software tools have a learning curve. The more tools you use, the more learning time you have to invest. For some software it could take a full day or longer just to become modestly productive with it.
  • Software tools often drag you into dealing with upgrades, add-ons, and security and privacy issues.
  • The more software tools you use, the more complicated your tech life becomes, and the more tech issues you’re likely to have.
  • Software tools often have a useful lifespan that’s limited to a few years unless you keep upgrading. Many tools don’t endure for a decade.
  • For each software tool you use, you may get more email because of it – for support, tips, upgrades, privacy policy updates, etc.
  • If you stop using the software, you may not even be able to access what you’ve created with it. You might be locked into years of upgrade cycles, even if you don’t use it that much.
  • Software tools sometimes break and don’t work, so you may have to seek support or search for solutions online, which chews up time.

While there are many benefits to using software tools, there are many hidden costs as well. Consider all the time you’ve spent researching, learning, evaluating, upgrading, and maintaining various software tools. Are you getting a good payoff for your investment when you consider the total time you’ve had to invest?

Now add the additional time you may have lost from digital distractions when you use software tools, especially on an Internet connected device. How often did you break away from using a genuine productivity tool to check email or social media or to look something up online?

I tend to be wary of over-relying on software tools when I think about the total cost of using them. I like using a relatively small number of tools, especially highly flexible ones like Scrivener. I lean towards minimalism in this area, so I don’t have to maintain such a large collection of tools. I also unsubscribe from nonessential emails related to the software I use, so they don’t distract me. I know I can look something up online when I need it.

Often I prefer to turn towards tactile, low-tech tools such as plain paper, spiral notebooks, index cards, file folders, sticky notes, pens, markers, and a marker board. Such tools can be impressively good for productivity.

Here are some of the benefits of working with such tools:

  • It’s easier to get into a deeper, zen-like focus with paper tools. There’s nothing to click on. There are no icons to distract you.
  • The interface is clean and simple. Pick up a pen or marker and put ink on a surface.
  • Such tools are still immensely flexible. You can write or draw anything you want. You can write lists, sketches, and mind maps on a single page if you want, all with the same tools.
  • Writing by hand forces you to slow down. This makes you think more carefully about what you’re creating. It may feel uncomfortable at first if you’re enmeshed in the digital world, but it’s really nice when you get used to it.
  • The simplicity of the tools enables your mind to flow more energy into emotional awareness while you work. This can be really helpful for spotting problems in your ideas early.
  • If you’ll eventually create something in a digital form, you know that the paper version isn’t final. This can take the pressure off and reduce perfectionism. You have space to play with the ideas and see what emerges.
  • Paper tools have no built-in clocks, so you can work more timelessly and really get into the zone. You can always set a digital device to remind you about appointments if necessary. Or work facing a window (or outdoors), and reconnect with the patterns of sunlight.
  • You can lay out a large amount of information at once, easily moving pieces around. Index cards are especially easy to rearrange and reorder.
  • The interface of using your hands with pen, paper, and other offline tools can be more pleasing and enjoyable than using less flexible digital interfaces.
  • Offline tools require no electricity or Internet access. You can use them anywhere.
  • There isn’t much of a learning curve for such tools. You probably already know how to use them. And you may discover new ways to use them with practice.
  • You don’t have to deal with more emails or tech support.
  • When working offline, and you feel tempted to look something up online “real quick,” you may not bother to do so if your digital devices are out of reach. Much of the time those quick lookups aren’t even necessary and would only lead to other distractions anyway. You can maintain a separate paper side list of items to look up later, so you can stay on task.
  • Whatever you create on paper will likely endure for your lifetime if you want it to last that long.
  • You knowledge of how to use paper tools could still be relevant for decades. You don’t need to worry about retraining yourself when they get upgraded. So you can really invest in depth with these tools over time, and they won’t leave you behind.
  • You can still convert anything you create on paper or a marker board into a basic digital form just by photographing it.
  • Time seems to pass more slowly when working offline. You may feel like you have 50% more time to get your work done, especially without the distractions of the digital world.

I especially love index cards for working out ideas, doing deep planning work, and for recording short routines. I use index cards for recording simple processes and checklists too. My morning routine is written on an index card.

I often use index cards to plan my days. I have stable cards that I use for recurring tasks, and I can make new cards for novel tasks. Then I just arrange them in the right order, and there’s my plan for the day. If I don’t finish everything, it’s easy to bump cards to the next day. If I want to rearrange tasks mid-day, I just reshuffle the cards.

I love keeping supplies well-stocked, so I never feel a sense of scarcity when using such tools. I have almost 2500 index cards in my office closet, some thinner and some thicker. I have dozens of pens and markers, so if one runs out, there’s always a backup.

I also like using a 4′ x 3′ marker board on wheels. Then I can move it wherever I want it. I often use it to hash out ideas when I feel like standing and moving around while I think.

My goals for the quarter are written on a piece of paper, and I review them every morning just by looking at the paper. This helps me get focused on my day and think about how what I’m doing today is moving my larger goals forward.

Many plans and ideas for future courses and for Conscious Growth Club are written on paper and filed neatly into file folders. I use a 5-drawer flat file cabinet to store my most accessible files on their sides, so they’re very visible and don’t get buried in a vertical file cabinet. Sometimes I’ll use a drawer to lay out ideas for a project on index cards, and then I can slide the drawer closed when I’m done. It’s like having an extra table top surface, but there’s no visible clutter when the drawer is closed. I’ve layered the bottom of each drawer with a thin rubbery mat, so the cards don’t slide around when I open and close the drawer.

Paper and digital tools aren’t mutually exclusive. I use both. I don’t write blog posts on paper. But I did outline my book by organizing sticky notes into columns on a large sheet of paper. Each sticky note contained a key idea I wanted to include in the book. Each column of sticky notes became a chapter of the book. Laying out the sticky notes in an intelligent order was a nice way to visually organize the book. Then I used software to do the actual writing.

Another thing I like about paper tools is that they help me feel connected to a sense of history. Sometimes when I’m working on paper, I like to light a candle nearby and imagine what it was like for various historical figures to work with simple creative tools. When reading books written hundreds of years ago, I’m often in awe of the writing style and the creativity expressed without the benefit of digital tools. This helps me realize that I don’t need fancy digital tools to do my best creative work.

Share Button

Should You Be Going To A&E During Lockdown? What You Should Know

HuffPost is part of Verizon Media. Click ‘I agree‘ to allow Verizon Media and our partners to use cookies and similar technologies to access your device and use your data (including location) to understand your interests, and provide and measure personalised ads. We will also provide you with personalised ads on partner products. Learn more about how we use your data in our Privacy Centre. Once you confirm your privacy choices here, you can make changes at any time by visiting your Privacy dashboard.

Click ‘Learn more‘ to learn and customise how Verizon Media and our partners collect and use data.

Share Button

How Self-Development Protects You

We often think of self-development as a pursuit that builds positive capabilities such as courage, ambition, or a success mindset. And of course it can generate many positive results if we truly invest in it, such as loving relationships, a meaningful and lucrative career, and a rewarding lifestyle.

But we can easily overlook just how beautifully self-development protects us from major problems in life, including serious but common problems that drag many people down for years, if not decades.

Preventing Self-Destruction

I originally got into self-development as a path away from self-destructive behavior when I was younger. I turned my efforts towards personal growth largely because I wanted to shift away from who I was and towards becoming someone better.

If I hadn’t done this, I could very well have spent much of my 20s in and out of jail. Later in life I met someone whose story started out similar to mine, and he did just that, spending eight years of his life behind bars.

Instead of letting my life continue to slide in that direction, I started reading books and listening to audio programs. I built up my self-control and discipline, went back to school, and earned two degrees in three semesters. Self-development invited me to invest my energy in a constructive direction, and I’m grateful for that. It saved me from many problems.

While some people may take this for granted, sometimes I find it gratifying just to count how many years it’s been since I was last arrested – more than 29 years and still going. There was a time in my life where just staying out of jail was a pretty meaningful benefit of self-development, and I still like to pause to appreciate this from time to time.

Preventing Addictions

If self-development work prevents even one addiction, that’s a huge payoff, especially since any addiction will weaken your self-control, which drags you down in other areas of life.

I’ve never had to deal with a nicotine addiction because I’ve never tried cigars or cigarettes. I don’t have to deal with alcohol addiction. The worst I’ve had to deal with addiction-wise was shoplifting, which I got over decades ago; and caffeine, which isn’t as hard to give up as some substances. I’m currently caffeine-free (and chocolate-free too since that’s a stimulant as well).

When I see the depths that people struggle with serious, long-term addictions, such as smoking – stealing many years from them, wasting so much money, and boxing in their social lives – I feel grateful to have avoided such a trap. I poured a lot of energy that could have been invested in various addictions into learning, reading, travel, relationships, and other beneficial experiences.

Preventing Loneliness and Depression

Think of how much time and energy people lose to loneliness and depression, including all the side effects such as more sick days, lower performance at work, and various relationship problems. If your investment in self-development helps you prevent or overcome such issues, that’s a huge (yet often invisible) gain.

I wasn’t the happiest person when I was younger, but I’ve learned to become happier over time by investing in habits that make depression unlikely and happiness more likely: a vegan diet with lots of raw foods and whole foods, regular exercise, lots of human touch and cuddles, doing meaningful work, and building good problem-solving and coping skills. I couldn’t just access those habits immediately. It took many years of working on myself to get my behaviors to align with creating happier results.

A lot of depression is caused by physical imbalances. The brain does something we don’t want it to do. If we can study and understand those patterns better, we can steer the brain towards better balance. Cardio exercise, for instance, is among the most effective mood boosters.

Preventing Health Problems

Lifestyle illnesses are commonplace these days, and many are highly preventable with sufficient investment in self-development. If you live a long and healthy life without having to deal with cancer, heart disease, type 2 diabetes, or other lifestyle illnesses, you may be tempted to take that for granted, but realize that most people do not prevent such illnesses and eventually die from them.

You may not be able to control even aspect of disease, but you can control many inputs that can prevent or reverse disease, assuming you build your self-discipline to the point where you have enough conscious control to especially healthy, long-term habits.

Imagine how many drugs, surgeries, and other medical interventions could be prevented if we all invested more in self-development. We might reduce the need for such interventions by 90% or more. Lack of investment in self-development creates not just a huge individual burden but also a huge societal burden. And which is easier and more accessible? To invest more time and energy in personal growth and encourage others to join us… or to fix the healthcare system?

Imagine also how many problems we prevent when one person who might otherwise decide to start another junk food business, pauses and reflects on her life purpose before making that decision, choosing instead to open fitness studios with plant-based food and juice bars, thereby helping people to raise their standards and build more self-control. More self-development investment means more socially responsible businesses.

Preventing Major Setbacks

Setbacks happen, but many are preventable or predictable. It’s predictable that surprises will happen in life. We just don’t know what the surprises will be till we experience them, but the existence of surprises points to the need for preparation.

When you prepare well, a potential setback becomes an opportunity, or at least it’s just a pivot. You roll with whatever life throws at you, and you keep flowing your energy in the direction of growth. You learn to maintain a growth mindset instead of wallowing in a fixed (or victim) mindset.

You may not even realize how valuable self-development work is till you notice how well you’re managing a challenge that would have stifled you in the past, but now you’re able to handle it with grace and poise by developing qualities such as preparedness, resilience, and trust.

Preventing Stagnation

How many years of our lives could we lose to stagnation if we’re not careful? How many years have you been stuck in a misaligned job or relationship? It’s hard not to think about what more could have been created with those years.

A key aspect of self-development is awareness. You learn to look at many parts of your life to seek out areas of stagnation, bring them into the light, and work on them till you get unstuck and start progressing again.

Imagine what a little more awareness and a little more courage can do for you in terms of preventing stagnation. This could potentially save you from decades of being stuck in a misaligned situation.

Self-development can also help with defining your purpose, so you don’t stagnate due to a sense of meaninglessness. You can develop yourself into a person with a rich and meaningful life instead.

Preventing Clutter

Sometimes the benefits of self-development are simple and right in our faces. Do you get to live and work in clean, clutter-free environments? If so you probably have self-development to thank for it, either yours or someone else’s.

When clutter piles up, it’s due to a lack of skill, a lack of attentiveness, or both. Organizing skills and attentiveness can both be trained up.

While the achievement side of self-development may seem sexier, it’s important to acknowledge just how much misery and struggle you may be saving yourself by investing in a lifelong journey of personal growth. Even a modest investment could save you decades of difficulty by helping you lean away from a single bad decision. Consider the value of never smoking that first cigarette.

Sometimes I like to pause and consider the many preventative blessings of this path. I’m not addicted to drugs. I don’t need any medications. I’m not depressed or lonely. I don’t have heart disease, cancer, or diabetes. And I got to write this article in an uncluttered office by candlelight in the early morning time, which is way nicer than trying to write from jail.

I started getting into self-development about 29 years ago. I like that because of that investment, each decade of my life keeps getting better, and more delightful memories are being accumulated. It’s not about the quick fixes. Very little changes over the span of weeks or months. But with years and decades of investment, the benefits really add up when you consider all the problems you successfully dodged. What really drives this home is when you see people your own age still struggling with the consequences of problems that you avoided but they didn’t.

And of course another benefit of self-development is that many problems that you didn’t actually prevent can be remedied after the fact. Focus on developing the personal qualities you need to create better solutions. Do you need more courage? More self-discipline? A deep dive into self-awareness through character sculpting? Where would a long-term investment pay off for you? You may as well start today. Starting anywhere is better than not starting.

Share Button

Finding Cuddle Partners

In Conscious Growth Club, there was a recent discussion about finding cuddle partners – i.e. someone to physically cuddle with when you want – so I thought I’d turn what I shared about this into a blog post with some tips on finding cuddle partners. Obviously this will be more useful when you’re not under a virus lockdown. 😉

Basically what I shared in CGC was a list of tips for increasing the chances of finding a cuddle partner. Here’s a refined version of that:

  • Hang out with cuddle-friendly and touch-friendly people more often. Spend more time around the hugger types. This helps a lot in picking up the vibe and getting more comfortable with people offering various forms of touch.
  • Spend less time with touch-avoidant people in person, so you can do more of the previous item. Don’t invest as much time and energy in the non-hugger types of people; if you do it will probably just hold you back. You need to move away from that mindset / vibe.
  • Ask for advice from the most huggy and touchy people you know, especially if you find someone who didn’t start out that way. I definitely didn’t start out that way, and it helped to just hang out and talk to people who had touch-abundant lives. At first it seemed they had skills and experiences that were far beyond my reality, but eventually I came to see that this was an invitation to a personal growth journey.
  • Be patient with yourself, but keep leaning into this if it’s what you want. You can get there. It will just take time. You probably have some misaligned behaviors and attitudes to overcome.
  • Tell the hugger types you know that you want the most truthful feedback they can give you, so you can raise your awareness of your problematic behaviors and attitudes that could repel what you want. They probably won’t tell you truths like “you have a put-offish attitude” or “you hug like a dead bird” or “you’re coming on too aggressively” unless you invite this level of honesty from them. Then take these hard truths as invitations to grow, not as personal attacks.
  • Invite people to cuddle when you feel they might be up for it. Do this in person ideally. Commence cuddling immediately if the answer is positive. I’ll share examples of cuddle invites after this list.
  • Publicly write, speak, and share about this pursuit, so people will know you’re into in it. Don’t hide if you want different results. If anyone gives you serious flak for it, I suggest dropping them from your social circle. Who needs that kind of friction? Purge the unsupportive social riff-raff. It’s challenging enough to have growth experiences with good social support from people who respect your goals and desires. Sharing human touch is beautiful. Own that desire fully.
  • If you think there’s something wrong with cuddling or with wanting a touch-abundant life, then journal the heck out of those false beliefs till you’re ready to replace them who a more empowering frame. Note the many benefits of cuddling, including better health and happiness, you’ll understand the point of offering cuddle invitations. There are lots of people who like and appreciate cuddling, and their mindsets are aligned with experiencing it. This isn’t just about meeting your needs. You’re helping someone else meet their needs too. Cuddling is to gift to yourself and to another person.
  • Be on the lookout for more cuddle opportunities like cuddle parties or cuddle meetup groups. Ask around to see if anyone knows of one happening soon. I think one-on-one invites are much better, but cuddle parties could be a good way to get started if you think that inviting a specific person takes too much courage. You may even find a cuddle meetup group in your area.
  • If you want a super cuddly long-term partner, don’t bother investing too much time in connections with people who aren’t into cuddling, at least not while you’re interested in finding a good match. Focus on what you want, and don’t settle for partial matches. There are lots of cuddle-friendly people out there, so there’s not need to try to convince someone to stretch themselves to be into it. If you meet someone who isn’t into it, move on quickly.
  • Visualize enjoying cuddles, and smile. You can cuddle a blanket, pillow, or teddy bear for practice. Feel what you think it would feel like to be enjoying this for real.
  • Realize that there are lots of people out there who’d love more touch, so the odds of finding matches are great if you just make enough invitations.
  • When you’re ready for it, push your cuddle skills higher by cuddling two people at once, one on each side. It’s super yummy but can get a bit hot in the middle if it’s overnight, so make sure the room is cool.
  • Remind yourself that as with many other personal growth pursuits, if you just keep investing in exploration and growth, some form of abundance is likely. It’s just a matter of time.
  • A key behavioral change to focus on is making cuddle invitations. The more you invite, the more you get to experience. You can make such invitations through any medium you like: in person, phone, text, email, social media direct messages, etc.
  • With enough practice you’ll get locked into the vibe of having these experiences, so making more cuddle invitations becomes pretty natural and easy. Experience builds confidence. There’s no need to fake confidence before you have experience. It’s totally fine to be a beginner. Just be a growth-oriented beginner, and keep nudging yourself to lean into action.
  • If you’re cuddling someone who’s inexperienced with cuddling, try to be extra kind and sensitive to their needs and concerns. Also help them discover what they like. Do your part to give others a good experience, so they can feel more confident in continuing their journeys as well.

Cuddle Invites

Cuddle invites are actually very simple and may go something like this:

Me: You look super cuddlable by the way.

Her: Oh how observant you are. I’m actually one of the best cuddlers in the world!

Me: Well I’d love to cuddle you right now.

Her: That sounds yummy, but the experience might spoil you, and then you’d feel sad cuddling anyone else.

Me: You’re that good, eh?

Or…

Me: If you feel like cuddling sometime, just know that I’d definitely be up for it.

Her: Hmmm… I think that would be nice.

Me: How about right now?

Her: Okay, why not? How should we do it?

And sometimes it’s the other way around, partly due to sharing about this openly…

Her: By the way… I’ve been reading your blog for many years, so I know you really like to cuddle. I like cuddling too.

Me: Would you like to cuddle right now?

Her: Yes, that sounds really nice.

In this last scenario, it’s also common for the woman to make some comment that lets me know she’s available too. For instance, she may note that she doesn’t have a current partner, that she just went through a recent breakup, or that she’s currently in an open relationship.

Usually we’d cuddle on the spot if the invite was done in person. Or if it was online, then it would happen later of course. I was surprised that my cuddle invites resulted in about 95% yeses. I didn’t think it would be so high. But I think that’s mainly because of what I’ll share in the next section.

Playfulness

Conversations don’t normally start out like the snippets above. There may be a lot more chatting before that, usually at least 15 minutes.

This little pieces of dialog assume that we were already having a bit of a playful banter beforehand, so we already created a nice connection with some laughter.

Sharing laughs, I would say, is one of the best precursors to a cuddle invitation. Laughing together builds trust and connection. I tend to think of cuddling as rather playful too, so when there are laughs and smiles, it tends to lead nicely into cuddling if there’s mutual interest.

I remember one time I got a gentle no for a cuddle invite, and there were no laughs in our conversation beforehand. It was too serious, which made the invitation not feel as natural. And I think the lack of laughter was a sign that the connection and rapport just wasn’t there.

If a conversation is very mental, such as talking about work or business ideas, I think it would be pretty awkward to turn that towards a cuddle invitation. The vibe just isn’t proximate enough.

If you can’t be playful, it’s likely because you’ve got a clogged and crusty heart-brain connection. A poor diet is one of the main culprits there. It takes emotional energy to be playful, and the body won’t generate much emotional energy if it’s overburdened with various other problems to deal with. Hence poor health habits can indeed be a barrier to feeling playful enough to invite cuddle experiences.

Cuddle Abundance

For some people it can be a long journey to cuddle abundance. It certainly was for me. What feels natural to me now was nothing of the sort many years ago.

I think the challenge of the journey just creates extra gratitude later on though. Thanks to a super cuddly wife who loves sharing touch, I rarely go more than a few hours without some kind of touch, cuddling, or affection in each day, which is especially nice to have while under virus lockdown. I think this is probably why we don’t mind it so much.

The key is simply not to give up. It may take years to create the experiences you desire, but the time will pass anyway, so you might as well invest in growing in this area. Lean into behavioral changes such that the passage of time shows you how much progress you’ve made.

Share Button