If you’re a parent, particularly a mother, you’ll likely be well acquainted with the mental load – or as UCLA Health describes it, the “behind-the-scenes, cognitive and emotional work needed to manage a household”.
Studies have found mums take on 71% of all household mental load tasks (in comparison to dads, who take on 45%), ranging from planning meals and arranging activities to managing household finances.
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The impact of this unequal division of tasks, which can often go unnoticed, is not to be underestimated. “It can lead to stress, burnout and even impact women’s careers. In many cases, resentment can build, creating strain between couples,” political scientist Dr Ana Catalano Weeks said.
The weight of the mental load can vary dramatically over the years, depending on a range of factors including the age of your kids, their needs at the time and how many hobbies they have.
One parent took to Reddit recently to ask whether other mums felt there was an age where the mental load peaked.
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“I have two kids, different school ages so in two different schools and schedules,” she said. “The mental load feels substantially larger than when they were smaller and only dealing with baby and toddler stages.”
The overarching theme was that there were two key peaks: the baby and toddler years; and then the tween years. But it turns out even university-age kids can come with their fair share of admin, too.
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The baby and toddler peak
As a member of this camp, I can wholeheartedly say the mental load is exhausting – especially when you’re breastfeeding, as it’s not something you can technically “hand over”.
Similarly, keeping a child from harming themselves 24/7 (we’re currently in the climb everything and try-to-throw-ourselves-down-the-stairs phase of toddlerhood) is tiring.
Then there’s the sheer amount of sickness young kids have – and trying to juggle that around work, and who needs to take which day off to look after who, or who needs to be calling family members for backup childcare – as well as all the cleaning, weaning, and having to take the entire house with you when you go out anywhere for a significant period of time (aka more than 20 minutes).
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One mum of four children aged 15, 18, 20 and 24 said the toddler years were “the worst” in terms of mental load.
Another parent noted they experienced “two mental load peaks” which had “very different flavours”, one of which was the baby and toddlerhood peak, “which was very much about keeping them alive and uninjured”.
They continued: “A lot of my mental energy was consumed by constant feeding, cleaning, and supervision of irrational creatures with no self-preservation instinct.” Told you.
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But the tween years are also hard
The same mum added: “There was another mental load peak in the preteen years. This one was more about keeping everything on the rails. It was a combo of puberty issues like hygiene resistance and emotional meltdowns, and admin issues like keeping track of school schedules, projects, activities, trips, and social engagements.
“It started to settle down for us in high school, when the kids are more reliably handling their own personal, school, and social stuff.”
Another parent agreed that tweens require a lot of extra organisation: “As a parent of teens and tweens, I think there is more mental load for tweens. I’m still texting/arranging with other parents, still in charge of signing them up for things and transportation to/from everywhere, and still needing to support school a lot more.”
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Older teens
Some parents did find that even with older children – we’re talking college-age kids and young adults – their mental load peaked.
“Mine are 17 and 22,” said a mother. “It’s peak emotional mental load. One is transitioning to adulthood after college and struggling to find a career. One is entering last year of high school and is anxious about the future. And I’m transitioning through perimenopause!!! It’s a very different mental load at this stage. It’s by far my worst time.”
Another parent agreed: “I can relate. I have an almost 19 year old and 21 year old. The 19 year old is starting college, and the twenty one year old has about a year and a half to go. And I am in menopause now, so my anxiety is high, and my sleep is all over the place.
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“I feel like this is the hardest stage for me because they don’t listen as much to you.”
How to cope
Regardless of which stage you’re in, know that you’re certainly not alone.
If you’re struggling under the sheer weight of the mental load, UCLA Health experts have shared the following tips:
- Speak to your partner about it and find a way to divide this invisible labour more equally. “Plan to meet weekly to review the mental labour for the upcoming week and assign those tasks,” experts suggest. There’s loads of advice on how to broach the topic here.
- Make a daily or weekly to-do list so you can get them out of your head.
- Set boundaries by saying “no” to things if it doesn’t work for you. Encourage older children to be independent – as the experts advise, “make them responsible for packing their own school and sports bags”.
- Prioritise you time – that means taking rest where you can, exercising, eating well, and doing activities that fill your cup.
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you’re struggling – whether that’s from your partner, friends and family members, or your GP or therapist.
Help and support:
- Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
- Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI – this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
- CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
- The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
- Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.
