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I’m A Writer Who Is Beginning To Lose Her Words. I’m Terrified Of What Will Happen Next.

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I should’ve known it was coming for me – the fog, the forgetting, the cognitive impairment. My father, his brother, their mother, their grandmother all had it… I just didn’t expect how it would come for me.

At 54, it seems my forgetting is linked to a neurodegenerative disease. But even before my own memory and language issues began, I’d written about and wondered what my own neurological inheritance might be.

In 1981, I spent several afternoons in the peacefully lamp-lit office of an elderly, retired professor and child psychologist and underwent a variety of aptitude tests and personality assessments. It turned out I was a “highly sensitive” 5th grader with the vocabulary of a high school senior.

While most of the kids in my Midwestern neighbourhood rode their bikes, played flag football and Frogger, I was tucked away reading book after book. When I ran out of books, I’d spend entire afternoons seated cross-legged on the floor, poring over the pages of a set of hand-me-down Encyclopedia Britannicas. I dog-eared pages. I made notes in the margins on the Dalai Lama, the Great Alaska Earthquake of 1964 that registered a 9.2 on the Richter scale, and gladiolus — one of August’s (my) birth flowers that my paternal grandmother grew in her 4-H award-winning garden.

I’ve loved and collected words like treasures for as long as I can remember.

In March 2023, I started experiencing marked muscle weakness in several areas, most noticeably my left forearm. With any exertion, the muscles rippled beneath the skin, and my finger strokes on the keyboard weren’t landing as efficiently as they once had. Words were missing letters: Knoledge. Languge. Mariage.

My struggle with short-term memory increased. I mixed up words in conversation, and it felt like words I’d used frequently had been stowed away on shelves in my brain that I could no longer reach. Then came things like walking out of the kitchen with the faucet running, leaving the refrigerator door open, forgetting the stove burners were on and, recently, putting a container of yogurt in the drawer with my Pyrex lids.

The next few months brought resting tremors and trouble swallowing. My speech grew sluggish in the evenings when I was most fatigued. Now, I’m also experiencing more consistent, significant autonomic dysfunction, with a myriad of other symptoms.

In May 2024, almost exactly two years after I’d completed my midlife MFA in creative writing at 50, I was diagnosed with mild to moderate cognitive impairment. This brain – which I’ve filled with 10 years of study in higher education, ideas for essays, books yet to be written, language, memories of my children, their children, my parents when we were all much younger – is forgetting.

"This photo is from my hooding ceremony when I received my first masters degree in my 40s."

Courtesy of S.C. Beckner

“This photo is from my hooding ceremony when I received my first masters degree in my 40s.”

The first results read something like, “On the WMS-IV Logical Memory Subtest, immediate recall for two short stories was in the low average range. Delayed recall was impaired. Retention of information was impaired. On a 15-word list-learning task (RAVLT), she demonstrated a fluctuated learning curve and an impaired total learning score. Immediate recall was impaired. Delayed recall was impaired. Phonemic verbal fluency (FAS) was impaired. Semantic verbal fluency was impaired.” Impaired. Impaired. Impaired. Where did my words go?

The most recent results revealed “frontal subcortical dysfunction likely consistent with Multiple System Atrophy” – the neurodegenerative disease I was diagnosed with late last summer. Multiple System Atrophy, or MSA, is like if the worst forms of Parkinson’s Disease and ALS bore offspring. There’s no cure, and little treatment. It’s considered a terminal diagnosis with a life expectancy of five to eight years from symptom onset, maybe 10 if you’re… lucky? I’ve been told and read that every patient progresses differently. I’m nearing the three-year mark since my initial symptoms started.

I rebel against the forgetting, rebel against the losing – when I remember to. I pray. I meditate. I play word games on my cell phone well into most nights, as I’ve lost the ability to sleep for more than an hour or two in a stretch. Scrabble. Wordle. Words with Friends. Word Stacks. I work to sharpen the edges of my dulled memory, preserve what’s still firing in my brain, and search for the words that have already been wiped clean from the slate of my brain.

How many words could I spell with the letters V O I D E N? Void. Vine. Vino. Din. Dive. Ion. Dove. Done. Nod. Id. End. I plugged the letters into allscrabblewords.com to see how many I’ve missed. The site lists 55 words for that letter combination. I found 11.

Everything is different now. Each day arrives with some measure of frustration and fragility. When I have the capacity, I make lists of words that I most want to remember: Fecund. Cacophony. Loquacious. Serendipity.

My words, thoughts, and ideas are now submerged deep in a vat of midnight dark molasses and some days I can no longer retrieve them. They’re buried so deeply, and I am tired – brain thick with fog, limbs heavy as though they’ve been dipped in concrete. I know the words are still there – they have to be. I’ve studied and loved them for so long.

As a writer, storyteller, teacher, and someone who loves to be in conversation, the idea of losing those things is almost unbearable at times. In 20 years of marriage, I’ve written letters to my husband. In the beginning, letters of love and wanting, and more recently, letters of apology, request, and reflection.

I’m sorry you ended up with a sick wife.

The fear of the future washes over me and I can’t imagine the language and words that have made me who I am will be gone.

The author at her desk in 2022.

Courtesy of S.C. Beckner

The author at her desk in 2022.

In recent months, I’ve felt like the light of who I am is maybe starting to dim. I know that sounds dramatic, but I don’t know how else to describe it. I continue to try to write something every day, each word, every cohesive sentence – another rebellion. Whether it’s working on bits and pieces of a new essay or article I’ve had an idea for, trying to write new copy for a work project, or a journal prompt, I tell myself I have to keep writing. My desk houses stacks of Post-it notes and shards of scrap paper with scrawled notes, ideas, and words I don’t want to forget.

Some days, a paragraph might take several hours. Other days, I crank out sentence after sentence, only to return to the page to find missing words and ideas that don’t quite make sense or a story told out of order. Losing language, intellect, and what I’ve worked so hard to learn is like losing pieces of the woman I’ve worked so hard to become post full-time motherhood – a part of who I’ve always been, yet only recently had the opportunity to discover.

I hold onto my language, cradle the words I still have close to my chest like I once held my children, now long grown and living all over the country. I hold the words close like I once held those encyclopaedias while I read, then returned to them again and again. Alongside the words, I think of the faces of my children and their children. I imagine them older. In my own forgetting, I hope not to be forgotten, so I leave pieces of myself behind on the page.

S.C. Beckner is a freelance copywriter, essayist, and editor. Her work can be found at Salon, Business Insider, NBC Think, as well as other platforms and literary publications. S.C. is currently working on her memoir in essays. She lives in coastal North Carolina with her dog.

Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking for here and send us a pitch at pitch@huffpost.com.

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Trevor Phillips Rips Into Labour’s Response To Trump’s Venezuela Action

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Sky presenter Trevor Phillips has torn into Labour’s lacklustre response to Donald Trump’s military action in Venezuela.

The US seized Venezuelan president Nicolas Maduro and indicted him on narco-terrorism conspiracy on Saturday.

Trump has declared that the States will “run” Venezuela until there can be a safe transition of power – and insisted the US will be “very strongly involved” in the country’s oil industry.

Keir Starmer has already refused to describe Trump’s moves as a breach of international law, insisting the government “sheds no tears” for the end of Maduro’s autocracy.

But concerns about what this means for the world order remain.

On Sky News, Phillips told chief secretary to the prime minister Darren Jones that Trump’s decision to seize Venezuela sounds rather like “colonialism”.

He added: “Are we now in favour of colonialism?”

“We’re not in favour of colonialism,” Jones replied, adding: “We’re not entirely clear yet what president Trump meant by those comments yesterday.”

Phillips said: “The president’s been pretty clear: he said we are going to run Venezuela. We will decide when we can stop running Venezuela and pass on power in a ‘judicious’ way. It’s pretty clear.

“We must have a view on that, surely.”

Jones said the UK does not know the “details” of what is happening yet, adding: “It would be wrong for government ministers to try to make assumptions or to comment on hypotheticals about the future.”

He continued: “We should understand what is happening before we comment, that’s what the public would expect a grown-up professional government to do.”

Phillips said: “I don’t think so. I think the public would expect a grown up government to be consistent.”

He claimed that if it had been any country other than the US – like Russia – the government would have condemned it.

“Is it OK for allies to march in and snatch someone every time they think they’ve done something naughty?” The presenter asked.

Jones said: “The UK respects international law and the rules-based order. We are an advocate for it, we conduct ourselves on that basis, and we expect other countries to do so as well. There’s no question about that.

“What happened in Venezula has happened. We now need to move as quickly as possible.”

Jones also insisted that the UK has not been involved with the US’s attacks on Venezuela at all, but that Britain does support a peaceful transition of power.

Asked about whether it was a breach of international law, Jones said: “It’s for the Americans to set out the legal basis for their operation, not Nato, not ours in any way, I don’t think the Americans have done that yet, but I’m sure they will do in due course.”

Phillips pointed out that the government made a judgement that Putins’ invasion of Ukraine was unlawful, but Jones replied: “It’s not for me or any opposition politician to make a judgement on that.”

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Try These Things To Improve Your Relationship In 2026

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If you want to have a happier and healthier relationship in 2026, you don’t necessarily need a major overhaul of your love life. Just setting a simple, well-defined goal or two can make a big difference over the year’s course – though you’ll probably start seeing benefits much sooner than that.

We asked therapists to reveal the little things couples can do on a regular basis to make their relationship that much better in the coming year.

Put limits on your phone use

Designated screen time isn’t just for kids: Adults can benefit from setting some parameters, too. Indeed, one of the biggest complaints Roseville, California, therapist Kurt Smith hears from his clients is that their partners are constantly on their phones. This year, commit to unplugging for a set period of time each day, whether that’s before breakfast in the morning or an hour before bed at night.

“Make a joint resolution, not just an individual one, to set a time limit on social media and phone use when you’re together,” said Smith, who specialises in counselling men. “Challenge yourselves to make a list of fun, enjoyable alternative things you can do together instead of the isolating behaviour being on our phones brings.”

Designate time each day to connect with your partner

Just as you put doctor’s appointments and work meetings on your calendar, you should be just as intentional when it comes to making time for your partner. You can even use the 45-minute window you normally would have spent watching your Instagram stories to catch up and connect with your significant other IRL.

“Something as simple as trying out a new recipe or playing a board game can foster connectivity, improve communication skills and increase relationship satisfaction,” said Chicago-based therapist Anna Poss.

And sorry, sitting together on the couch binge-ing the latest season of The Crown doesn’t count. To make the most of this time, turn off distractions and tune into each other.

“Mindful time should prioritise bonding behaviours such as eye contact, touch and communication,” said Los Angeles psychologist and sex therapist Shannon Chavez. “Keep the conversation light by focusing on gratitudes, what has sparked joy in your day or things you are looking forward to in the week.”

Commit to doing something spontaneous together once a month

Keeping the spark alive in your relationship takes a bit work, but it's so worth it.

Selvar Nguyen / EyeEm via Getty Images

Keeping the spark alive in your relationship takes a bit work, but it’s so worth it.

For long-term couples, it’s all-too-easy to fall into the same ol’ humdrum routine. To counteract the monotony, Smith recommends thinking back to the fun, spontaneous things you did together in the early days of the relationship.

“My wife and I once jumped in the car at 10pm and drove 90 minutes through the snow to Lake Tahoe,” Smith said. “We sat in a diner for a couple of hours and then drove back. Got up the next day and went to work.”

As your responsibilities grow (e.g. parenting, paying bills, moving up at work), it may be harder to pull off last-minute grand adventures. But committing to spicing things up in small ways can still help keep the spark alive. That might mean scoring concert tickets the night of the show or walking by a pottery studio and deciding to pop in for a class.

Make a weekly sex date with your partner

When life gets busy, sex is often one of the first things to fall by the wayside. Scheduling sex may not sound all that sexy, but doing so ensures it will actually happen – even when you have a lot on your plates. Dedicating time for physical connection means reaping benefits like improved intimacy in the relationship, as well reduced anxiety and perhaps a stronger immune system, too.

“Let go of the goals around sex and set the intention of a time where you can give and receive pleasure with your partner,” Chavez said. “Making a regular sex date can take off the pressure around initiation and lower expectations around spontaneous sex.”

Schedule monthly money talks

According to a 2014 Money Magazine survey, 70% of married couples argue about money – making it a more common source of conflict than other fraught topics like household chores or sex. Too often, couples will put off having these conversations for too long or they avoid discussing finances altogether.

“After a couple of months splurging during the holidays, January is always filled with dread as the credit card bills come due,” Smith said. “Make a commitment to once or twice a month sit down for 15 minutes and talk about your financial lives together. Do this proactively rather than reactively and your relationship will definitely be better for it.”

Practice gratitude daily

Gratitude is strongly and consistently linked to greater happiness. And the benefits of a gratitude practice can positively impact everything from your own physical and mental health to your relationships.

“Make a resolution as a couple to express your gratitude more often and in meaningful ways,” Poss said. “Become more aware of the things your partner does to help you and your relationship thrive. Then let your partner know what it means to you and share your gratitude.”

That might mean remembering to say thank you for even the basic things your partner does, like taking the dog for a walk or packing your lunch. Or consider starting a gratitude jar or journal where you two can write down things you’re thankful for each day.

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The Science Behind When You’re Too Old To Be A Runner

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Every New Year, many of us make the resolution to take up exercising more often and what could be more accessible to us than running. Simply throw on some trainers and go, right?

Then the year goes by, the resolution slowly goes down the drain and uh, maybe next year will be the time that we’re running 10k’s and eyeing up the London Marathon ballot.

However, is there an age when we’re simply too old to be trying to take up this sport? Isn’t it going to be rougher on our knees as we age?

Isn’t running bad for the knees?

Writing for The Conversation, Hunter Bennett, a Lecturer in Exercise Science, University of South Australia argues that actually, running could help our knees as we age.

One way to think of this is to not think of our body as something that decays over time. Bennett explains: “Your body isn’t simply a pile of bones and cartilage that gets worn down with every step. It is a living dynamic system that grows and adapts in response to the loads that are placed upon it.”

With this in mind, he says that the more we use our knees, the more benefits we’ll experience.

He says: “Your knee joint is incredibly strong and designed to move. The cartilage inside your knee is a strong, flexible, connective tissue that cushions and protects the bones of your knee joint.

“There is good evidence to show when someone’s load is removed – for example, during prolonged bed rest or immobilisation – their bone and cartilage begins to deteriorate.”

This makes perfect sense.

So, when are we too old for running?

Bennett says: “Unfortunately (at least to my knowledge) there is no strong evidence examining what happens when you pick up running later in life. However, other lines of research do suggest it is likely safe and effective.

“A 2020 study demonstrated that older adults (65 years and older) who start high intensity jump training (known as “plyometric” training) not only see improvements in strength and function, but also find it safe and enjoyable.”

He went on to explain that these types of training lead to higher joint loads than running, giving us a fair indication that running later in life is safe.

How to get started with running

Bennett advises: “Like any type of exercise, your muscles and joints need time to adapt to the new load that is being placed upon them.

“With this in mind, it’s best to start with intervals where you walk for a short period, then jog for a short period. Then you can gradually increase your running distance over time, giving your body time to adapt.”

The NHS Couch to 5k plan is ideal for this.

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You’re About To Feel Old – 20 Songs That Are Turning 20 in 2026

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2006 was a hell of a year for music. Looking back on the songs that came out … 20 years ago … filled me with nostalgia for a simpler time in life but also made me realise how many BOPS came out in a relatively short period of time.

After all, this was the time that Sandi Thom wished she was a punk rocker with flowers in her hair, when Gnarls Barkley was Crazy and when Girls Aloud saw the year out with pop banger Something Kinda Ooh.

Let’s look back in time at this incredible year…

Songs turning 20 in 2026

LDN & Smile by Lily Allen

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Now that we are officially in a Lily Allen era once again, it’s worth looking back to 2006 when the storytelling singer released two of her biggest tracks: LDN and Smile, the latter of which reached number one in the charts.

Gnarls Barkley – Crazy

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","type":"video","meta":{"author":"Gnarls Barkley Official","author_url":"https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6qCqY_Aftl3i6jA5Ynx0Yw","cache_age":86400,"description":"Released in 2006 on the album St. Elsewhere, Crazy by Gnarls Barkley features the vocals of CeeLo Green and the production of Danger Mouse. Crazy became one of the most recognized singles of the decade, reaching #1 in the UK and #2 in the US.\n\nThe official video for Crazy, now available in 4K remaster, includes Rorschach-style imagery that matches the song’s theme. Crazy remains the most successful track by Gnarls Barkley and continues to define the album St. Elsewhere.\n\n🔔 Subscribe to the Gnarls Barkley channel and experience more timeless hits: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6qCqY_Aftl3i6jA5Ynx0Yw?sub_confirmation=1\n\nLyrics:\n\nI remember when\nI remember, I remember when I lost my mind\nThere was something so pleasant about that place\nEven your emotions have an echo in so much space\n\nAnd when you’re out there without care\nYeah, I was out of touch\nBut it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough\nI just knew too much\n\nDoes that make me crazy?\nDoes that make me crazy?\nDoes that make me crazy?\nPossibly\n\nAnd I hope that you are having the time of your life\nBut think twice, that’s my only advice\nCome on now, who do you, who do you, who do you\nWho do you think you are\nHa ha ha, bless your soul\nYou really think you’re in control\n\nI think you’re crazy\nI think you’re crazy\nI think you’re crazy\nJust like me\n\nMy heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on the limb\nAnd all I remember is thinking I want to be like them\n\nEver since I was little\nEver since I was little it looked like fun\nAnd it’s no coincidence I’ve come\nAnd I can die when I’m done\n\nBut maybe I’m crazy\nMaybe you’re crazy\nMaybe we’re crazy\nProbably\n\n—\n\nAbout Gnarls Barkley\n\nGnarls Barkley is the Grammy Award–winning duo of CeeLo Green and Danger Mouse. Their debut St. Elsewhere (2006) produced classics like Crazy, Smiley Faces, and Gone Daddy Gone, while their follow-up The Odd Couple (2008) included Run (I’m a Natural Disaster), Going On, Who’s Gonna Save My Soul, Who Cares?, Go-Go Gadget Gospel, and Mystery Man.\n\nOutside of the duo, CeeLo Green achieved solo success with hits like Forget You (F**k You), Bright Lights Bigger City, Closet Freak, I Want You (Hold On to Love), and Music To My Soul.\n\nGnarls Barkley – Crazy (Official Video) [4K Remaster]\n\n#GnarlsBarkley #Crazy #4KRemaster #StElsewhere #OfficialVideo","options":{"_cc_load_policy":{"label":"Closed captions","value":false},"_end":{"label":"End on","placeholder":"ex.: 11, 1m10s","value":""},"_start":{"label":"Start from","placeholder":"ex.: 11, 1m10s","value":""}},"provider_name":"YouTube","thumbnail_height":720,"thumbnail_url":"https://i.ytimg.com/vi/-N4jf6rtyuw/maxresdefault.jpg","thumbnail_width":1280,"title":"Gnarls Barkley – Crazy (Official Video) [4K 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