My Children Are Autistic, Here’s How We Make Christmas Wonderfully Unique

The festive period can be overwhelming for lots of people, but for autistic children it can be a particularly fraught time of year.

The disruption to their routine, sensory overload, and overwhelming influx of new information can be stressful and sometimes even distressing, says Michelle Myers, who works for Great Minds Together, a charity supporting young people with special educational needs and disabilities (SEND).

Myers – who is an autistic woman and mum to autistic children – suggests all of this can add up to trigger episodes of increased levels of anxiety, fluctuation of needs and different behaviours as children process these changes.

“It can be a really difficult time,” she tells HuffPost UK, “but there are steps that parents can take to better support them and reduce the overall stress of the festive period.”

Here are her tips for navigating the festive period if your child is autistic or has additional needs.

Don’t be afraid to create new traditions

“Be unapologetically you and do what brings your family peace and joy this Christmas,” says Myers.

Whether it’s leaving presents unwrapped under the tree because your child has a sensory sensitivity to wrapping paper, or you let them eat their favourite pizza instead of Christmas dinner, her main piece of advice is to “do what works for you”.

“Create new traditions,” she suggests. “Neurodiverse families are wonderfully unique so it makes sense that our Christmas should be just as wonderfully unique as we are.”

Do plan ahead

Sticking to daily routines can be so important for autistic children (and adults!), so Myers advises keeping as many routines in place as possible over the festive period – and that includes Christmas Day.

“Some routines for autistic people are as essential to us as breathing,” she says, “so to have too many changes can really impact us.”

When things do have to change, it’s important to plan as far in advance so you can give your child as much warning as possible – “and don’t change too many things at once,” she adds.

Don’t say ‘yes’ to events you know will be stressful

It’s so important to advocate for the needs of your child – and that means saying no to events that you know will be stressful.

“Tell Aunty Irene that hugs are a no-go. Ask school for a timetable of events. You owe no explanations to anyone,” says Myers.

She says autistic people deserve to have their “often-hidden needs accepted and respected”, otherwise they can fall into the trap of feeling the pressure to conform, which can lead to masking, she adds, “which is never a good thing for anyone”.

Masking is where a person hides or disguises parts of their selves in order to fit in. According to the National Autistic Society, it might involve suppressing certain behaviours autistic people find soothing, or mimicking the behaviour of other people in order to get by in social situations.

Do use visual supports

Visual supports such as lists, calendars, text messages or even photos can help autistic people prepare for new experiences, suggests Myers. So don’t be afraid to roadmap what Christmas – and the following days – will entail.

“It helps us to process time, sequence activities and even reduces our anxiety,” she says.

Any kind of visual support you can provide will act as a sat nav to their day. This helps them see the steps they need to take, prevents them from getting lost, and maps out the time it will take (so they can see it will end eventually).

All of this can contribute to preventing them from getting overwhelmed.

Do remember to schedule time for them to recharge

“Imagine we all have a battery inside us. Some things we do drain our battery, and some things we do charge our battery. December brings with it lots of things that can quickly deplete autistic children’s batteries,” says Myers.

Whether it’s the carols, the flashing lights, the social interaction with family members you haven’t seen since this time last year.

“We need to remember that their little batteries may need more opportunities to charge at this time,” says Myers. So do schedule time for your family to rest amid the mayhem of the festive period – even on Christmas Day.

“Take a sensory bag, ear defenders, a dark den, their favourite snack or blanket, whatever works for them,” she adds.

Don’t be too hard on yourself

One thing it’s important for parents to remember is that it’s ok if things don’t turn out perfectly at Christmas. You’re doing the best you can.

Myers recalls how one year her Christmas tree collapsed and thousands of pine needles fell off it. “I was devastated,” she recalls. “I cried so much I convinced myself that Christmas was over.

“But then my son came bounding down the stairs and proceeded to swish through the dry dead pine needles like fallen autumn leaves – my tears turned to hysterical laughter streaming down my face.

“All was not lost, right there in that moment we found joy and laughter. We shared such a moment together in the chaos of my fallen tree that I realised that for us, Christmas was always going to look a bit different to everyone else’s – and that was OK.

“In fact, it was more than ok, it was amazing.”

For more information on supporting children with SEND including informative blogs and podcasts visit www.greatmindstogether.co.uk.

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12 Tales Of Play Dates Gone So, So Very Wrong

There’s a bit of a wild-card element to every play date. You can control your own behaviour, and you may have attempted to teach your child how to behave as a guest in someone else’s home – or as a host in their own – but you can’t guarantee that your kid won’t spontaneously decide that today is the day to break all the rules.

The children may wander off while you’re attempting to make polite conversation with another parent, and just when you think how nice it is that they are playing together quietly, you suddenly realize that things have gotten too quiet.

We asked for tales of play dates gone wrong on HuffPost Parents’ Facebook page and elsewhere. Here are some of the wildest stories, lightly edited for readability.

A leaky situation

New York mum Kimberly Schwartz and her husband went to pick up their three-year-old from an after-school play date at a friend’s house. After they arrived, the adults chatted in the kitchen while the kids played upstairs. Then, “my husband pointed out a leak coming from the ceiling. The wall was yellow where it was leaking,” said Schwartz.

“My daughter was having so much fun she decided to opt out of using the bathroom and had wet herself in the exact spot upstairs where there was a gap in the molding. She had made it rain urine in their house. And now it’s all I can think of when I visit.”

An eerie glow

When Tammy Greenwood-Stewart of San Diego arranged a play date for her youngest child, then six, she bought glow sticks for entertainment. It worked, but “the two kids chewed the glow sticks,” Greenwood-Stewart said, “and their mouths, tongues, stuffed animals and bedding were all luminescent for hours.”

She said that the parents “Googled like crazy” but the kids were unharmed, adding that her child has since grown into an 18-year-old adult.

Playing referee

When her boys were 10 and eigh years old, Suzanne Brown of Austin, Texas, invited two brothers at those same ages to their house for a play date — but things quickly turned violent.

“Our guests got into such a horrible physical fight with each other that my husband actually had to physically separate them,” said Brown.

“The only way we could keep things from restarting was to move the younger boys to a different part of the house and keep them there.”

When Brown and her husband explained to the guests’ mother what had happened, she responded nonchalantly, “Oh, they get rowdy sometimes.”

Is that a wipe?

Lauren Woods of Washington agreed to babysit a friend’s three-year-old son at the boy’s house. Her own daughter was two at the time.

“He went to the bathroom by himself and said he didn’t need help, and naive person that I was, I believed him,” said Woods.

Later, when she entered the bathroom, Woods discovered that her charge had “gone number two and reached into his mom’s makeup to wipe himself.” When her friend texted to see if everything was going okay, Woods responded, “Yes, but I’m throwing your mascara away — please don’t try to retrieve it.“

Wisely, her friend texted back, “OK, I don’t want to know!”

When a play date is not a play date

Ashley Austrew of Omaha, Nebraska, once brought her kids to another family’s home for what she believed was a play date. She was invited to stay, but while the kids had fun playing, Austrew was subjected to what she generously called “a surprise MLM sales pitch.”

“I had to sit through a presentation about this mom’s multilevel marketing company and get pressured to buy things from her. I’m extremely introverted and really don’t know how to remove myself from awkward situations, so I just politely faked interest,” said Austrew. “It was painful.”

When the kids are playing together quietly, it's not always a good sign.

Paul Biris via Getty Images

When the kids are playing together quietly, it’s not always a good sign.

A dress-up surprise

Sarah Zimmerman of California was chatting with other parents in her living room when she realized that they hadn’t seen their children for a bit, and things were suspiciously quiet.

Then, “my kid came out from the back of our house wearing my teddy,” she said. “It had been in a nondescript gray bag on the upper shelf of my closet. Delightful.”

Keeping everybody safe

Leah Cate of Portland, Oregon, recalled that shortly after her two boys were placed with her home as foster children, the family learned that the pair had two sisters also in foster care.

“We invited the girls over for a play date as soon as possible,” said Cate. This meant four children in the house, ages 6, 4, 3 and 2.

In what Cate described as “the happy chaos of reuniting,” the children “locked us out of the house in front of their social worker, who had come by to check on us. She found us panicking on the porch.”

But the story has the happiest of endings. “We all coached the kids about how to unlock the door, the worker had a great sense of humour, the girls soon came to live with their brothers, and after being in care for six years we adopted them all,” said Cate, who added, “I’m tired just remembering.”

Feelin’ free

Keaton Erin Buster hosted a get-together at her home when her son was preschool age.

“It was summer, so we were all hanging out on the back deck enjoying a barbecue,” she remembered.

“My son announced that he needed to go to the bathroom. I told him ‘OK’ and thought nothing of it. The next thing I know, he’s dropped his pants and is peeing off the deck in front of everyone!”

Buster says she yelled: “Nooo! Not there!”

He son gave her a bewildered look and said: “Why?? You always let me do it!”

“I died of embarrassment twice in the span of about eight seconds,” said Buster.

What happens in the woods…

Canada-based Ashley Owens recalled a celebration for the end of the school year where her son “pooped in the woods instead of going inside to do his business.”

The act might have remained secret, but “one of his friends put it on the end of a stick and chased other kids around with it,” said Owens.

Don’t drink that!

HuffPost reader Rai Mitchell’s daughter was in elementary school when she hosted a sleepover with one of the girl’s friends.

“I walked around the corner to see the child mixing a ‘potion’ concoction consisting of cough medicine, mouthwash and soda that she had intended to give to my child to drink,” she said.

Mitchell was shocked; she had figured that the girls were old enough to know to stay out of the medicine cabinet. But while they had the know-how to open all the safety caps on the bottles, they lacked the wisdom to understand that actually consuming the potion was a bad idea.

Unfortunately, the evening ended badly when Mitchell called off the slumber party. The friend “went fully feral, lashing out and refusing to comply,” said Mitchell, who eventually calmed the child down and drove her home.

It’s the thought that Counts?

Daniela of Cambridge, England, shared that she took her two daughters, ages five and three, to a play date with several other girls.

“At the end of it, the mum who hosted us gave the guests … Christmas presents. My girls received one present to share,” she said.

“It was a present for the ‘family.’ A big drama followed by. My 3-year-old could not understand that it was a shared present, and my oldest wanted to carry it home by herself. They both cried all the way home.”

Me want cookie!

Another parent from Portland shared the story of an “impromptu” outdoor play date with their children, ages five and three, and a neighbour’s 3-year-old. One of their kids asked for a bite of the cookie that the neighbour child was holding — “and accidentally bit his thumb in the process. There was a little bit of blood.”

Of course, “the other mum was understandably upset,” perhaps not believing that the reader’s child had asked for the bite of cookie.

There were no further play dates between the families.

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How To Get Your Kids To Eat Vegetables – And Actually *Gasp* Enjoy Them

Is there such thing as a child who likes vegetables? Yes, there is. But they’ll often need a helping hand in getting there.

This is why a leading baby food brand is urging the government to consider adding sensory food play to the curriculum for young kids attending nursery.

Ella’s Kitchen has launched a nationwide campaign calling on the UK government to take urgent action to improve early childhood nutrition by encouraging more sensory food play – where kids can explore fruit and vegetables in a fun, engaging way that stimulates the senses – in early years settings.

The brand said poor nutrition is having a “devastating impact” on the health of the nation’s children, but this simple, low-cost intervention could play a role in alleviating this.

More than a quarter of kids (29%) aged five to 10 years old eat fewer than one portion of fruit or veg a day.

Yet evidence shows that sensory food play helps to build confidence and curiosity around fruit and veg, which can create a willingness among kids to try, and ultimately like, them.

While talk of implementing this kind of scheme in nurseries rumbles on, parents can start fuelling a better reception to vegetables at home, too.

It’s difficult to get children to eat tveg – every parent knows this. But why is it such a chore? “Babies are born with immature bitter and sour taste buds,” says Sarah Almond Bushell, a registered dietitian and weaning expert at The Children’s Nutritionist.

In contrast, their sweet taste buds are “very mature”, she says, meaning kids will always gravitate towards sweet foods. “It’s an evolutionary thing as it helps newborn babies seek out the breast because breastmilk is very sweet.”

Bitter and sour flavours therefore have to be learned, so exposure is a must – and this is where parents have to put the work in. But you’ll reap the rewards once you do.

1. Serve vegetables at every meal and make sure they see you eating them

It can be all too easy to get into a bit of a mealtime rut at home. We buy the same-old vegetables every week to accompany those same-old meals, because we know our kids will eat them and they won’t end up in the bin.

This might be the easy option, but – argues the dietitian – it is not conducive to getting your child to like a wider range of veggies.

“Children can’t learn to like to eat vegetables without being regularly exposed to seeing them on the dining room table,” she says. “But what’s even more important is that they need to see you eating them too.”

Research suggests it can take up to 10 tries for a baby to readily accept some foods, like vegetables – so keep trying. And an exposure doesn’t necessarily mean them devouring a whole carrot stick, either. The act of touching, smelling and even seeing the food can be enough to ‘expose’ them to a food, according to nutritionist Charlotte Stirling-Reed.

2. Presentation is everything

A bit of wilted cabbage on the side of your toddler’s plate isn’t exactly inspiring, so it’s time to embrace your inner artist and get creative.

“All food must look attractive if you want your little one to be intrigued by them,” says Almond Bushell. “Vegetables come in a rainbow of colours and so are easy to make look appealing.

“Pre-school aged children are influenced by how food is presented so get creative by cutting veggies into funny shapes or arrange them in smiley faces.

“Older children will visually appreciate foods that are presented on sharing platters, coloured or patterned plates, or even simply serving veggies in cupcake cases can instantly lift their appeal.”

3. Make them tasty

If your veg selection looks stellar but tastes like wet socks, then you’ve got a problem on your hands. So yes, the next tip is that veggies quite simply need to taste nice.

“Steamed veggies may be better in the healthiness stakes, but they don’t hold much flavour for developing taste buds,” says Almond Bushell.

“I’d encourage you to sauté your green beans in garlic butter, toss asparagus in soy sauce [you can buy low salt versions], roast your parsnips in honey [if your child is over one].”

She adds: “You can make a fab marinade for most veggies with ketchup, maple syrup and soy sauce, even adding a little salt to broccoli or Brussels sprouts can make a world of difference – and yes, it’s ok.”

While it might sound a little controversial, her thinking is that while these foods will be slightly higher in salt and fat, it will encourage your child to like them at least – “after all, it doesn’t count as nutrition unless it’s eaten,” she adds.

“Once the veggies become an accepted part of their daily diet then you can work on reducing the salt, sugar and butter to improve the healthiness.”

4. Let kids serve themselves

It can be overwhelming for your child if you’ve decided to wave a stick of cucumber in their face or thrust it into their mouth. Why not, instead, focus on letting your kids serve themselves?

Family-style serving involves placing all components of the meal individually in serving dishes in the centre of the table, says Almond Bushell. Then, children as young as toddlers can help themselves or indicate to you what they want, how much they want and when to stop.

“This puts them in control of the food on their plate and ultimately what goes into their body,” she says. “If your little one doesn’t want to have a certain veggie on their plate, that’s OK.”

If you do find they’re averse to certain veggies, set up a ‘learning plate’ next to their dinner plate, she suggests. There are 32 different sensory steps that children go through when they’re learning how to eat and they do this for every single food – so a learning plate can help them navigate this process.

“The learning plate is simply for looking at, sniffing, prodding, poking, licking, chewing or spitting out on,” she explains.

“It’s there just for learning all about the sensory characteristics of the new food.

“Having a learning plate helps move them up the 32-step ladder as the new food is closer to them, they have to look at it, they can smell it, and touching it even with a fork or spoon is a huge step forward.”

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For Parents, It’s A Summer Of Hardship And Impossible Choices

We’re at the half way point of the UK summer holidays, a time that is always testing to parents’ patience and bank balances. But when it comes to keeping children happy and occupied amid the escalating cost of living crisis, many families are feeling the pinch like never before this year.

Sally Worrall, 31, has seen a drastic change in her circumstances.

“I can’t get through the month now without borrowing money,” says the Hampshire-based mum of four.

As a single parent to Chester 11, Rory, eight and twins Jenson and Molly, six, the self-employed painter and decorator says that she has to borrow money from her mother each month just to get by.

“I don’t have an extravagant lifestyle, I don’t smoke, drink, or have Sky. I have the cheapest mobile package and the most basic broadband service. But I really struggle,” she tells HuffPost UK.

“Food is especially a big thing. It’s gone up by about £50 a week for me and the children. It’s really difficult. I try not to think about it because the reality is after a shop, I’ve only got about £20 a week to live on,” says Worrall.

Even before schools broke up for the summer this year, the national poverty charity, Turn2US, warned that the financial squeeze was having a stark impact on many families in the UK.

The charity surveyed 2,730 of its service users in June and found that soaring food costs were pushing many into debt as they struggled to put food on the table. Almost half of the charity’s users reported they were left with nothing to live on each week after weekly food costs.

The survey also found that that over half of respondents planned to use the first £326 instalment of the government’s cost-of-living rescue package to help pay a debt for utility bill arrears – and with food and fuel prices only set to rise this autumn and winter, there is concern for how many will be plunged into poverty.

FatCamera via Getty Images

Michael Clarke, head of information programmes at Turn2us, said: “Every day we see more people struggling to afford life’s absolute basics as the cost-of-living continues to push millions of people onto the edge of a financial crisis.”

He added: “We are hearing from parents who are skipping meals to try and keep their children fed, or who are making impossible choices between paying rocketing energy bills or rent. This isn’t right.

“Many people using our services come to us when they are at their most desperate and we fear the worst is yet to come over the coming months.”

These statistics don’t surprise mum of two Kelly Williams, who lives in east London with her husband Marcel and six-year old son Quincy.

“It’s the world in which we now live in,” she tells HuffPost UK. “Everything has gone up and it’s simply not sustainable. I don’t understand how there is such a high rate of inflation and the salaries have not risen to coincide with that.”

Williams, who works as an accountant, added: “It’s creating a huge gap in the cost of living and people have got to find ways to survive.”

“We fear the worst is yet to come over the coming months.”

– Michael Clarke, Turn2Us charity

Certainly, it’s affecting middle-income families, too. “Since the crisis my husband and I are much more conscious of what we do now in terms of managing our money and one of the biggest changes we found was that we don’t go out as often as we used to,” says Williams.

The family are trying to change spending habits with as little impact on their son as possible. “We are both aware of how important it is to our wellbeing that we go out as a family and spend quality time together,” she says.

Williams is focused on giving Quincy a good summer holiday while staying within budget – even if that means a major juggle with work.

“I’m taking advantage of my working from home days. By being at home, I will not have to pay out any extra money to summer camps,” says Williams, who is making the most of free activities and vouchers provided by her local council.

“Picnics and play dates!” she says, citing her summer mantra. “This will just allow me to let my money stretch further.”

SolStock via Getty Images

When it comes to the food shop, Williams freely admits she’s no longer loyal to a particular supermarket and that her main quest is to get value for money.

“I’m loyal to brands, but not to supermarkets,” she tells HuffPost UK, adding that one of her biggest hacks is getting her petrol at supermarkets.

“When filling up, I tend to use supermarket petrol stations that offer loyalty rewards. Here you can transfer the reward points into vouchers for food. I’ve made huge savings by doing this,” she says.

Worrall, meanwhile, has started doing all her shopping at budget stores.

“I started shopping at B&M because it is so much cheaper than the larger supermarkets,” she says. “I’ve also had to shop at the Local Pantry.”

The Local Pantry, which operates in 70 neighbourhoods around the UK, sells on reduced items that supermarkets would normally throw in the bin. Shoppers using a branch pay £5 a trip, and receive £20 worth of food and groceries.

“Being in a single income household makes a hell of a difference to what we do when it comes to the summer holidays.”

– Catherine

“They have a coloured sticker policy,” explains Williams. “You get five red item stickers, which are meat and cheese and frozen fish. Then you get ten blue items, which is your pasta and tins of beans, etc, and toiletries. Then you get three items that are fruit, vegetables and bread.

“It’s a really good thing, but for a first world country nobody should be in this situation.”

Single parent Catherine Gilmore, who is mum to Arthur, six, says she’s been obsessing about how to stay within budget and keep her son occupied for the length of the summer holidays – and the worry starts earlier each year.

“Being in a single income household makes a hell of a difference to what we do when it comes to the summer holidays,” says the publishing assistant from Leyton, east London.

“Because of the financial squeeze, what I have had to do to ensure that Arthur gets to enjoy the summer is to save all year round, because, come July, financially it hits you hard.”

Meanwhile, hybrid worker Catherine, who preferred not to give her surname, says that in order to save money she is splitting the summer between her home in London and Derbyshire, where her mother lives.

“I get six weeks of holiday and I need to find childcare for four weeks of that time. So to keep costs down. I spend three weeks in London and then it’s up to Derbyshire for two weeks.”

Even factoring in travel costs, this hack makes life a lot easier, she says. “It’s cheaper up there, I pay between £35-£55 per week [on summer clubs] in London and in Derbyshire it’s between £20-£25 per week.”

One of the biggest problems Catherine found when looking for clubs in London was how quickly spaces got filled. In applying for cheaper camps and council-run activities, she said her son was often overlooked in favour of families in receipt of Universal Credit.

“It’s definitely is not a bad thing that families on benefits get priority, but there should be more available for middle-income families who are struggling to keep their families occupied during the summer,” she tells HuffPost UK.

Sally Worrall says she has taken advantage of similar provision in Hampshire to keep costs down and her kids occupied and happy throughout the holidays.

Her children’s school offers means-tested pupils the chance to attend a free summer camp, which runs during school hours. Each pupil enrolled on the camp is also given a free lunch and snacks throughout the day.

“I’ll only be using it three times a week to help me with food more than anything,” she says. “It also means I can work and I won’t have to worry about paying for childcare costs.”

Worrall has also been in touch with Gingerbread, a nationwide charity that offers support and help to single parent families. She says their team has been extremely helpful to families like hers, who are also struggling in the crisis.

“They have been great at bringing people together,” she says. “It has been nice to connect with families who are in similar situations. They have really great groups that you can lock in with.”

And despite all the challenges facing her family of five, she’s intent on giving her children a great summer. “I’m lucky because I live near the sea and near woodland. The days that I am not working we will spend them either on the beach or in the woods exploring and enjoying natural resources,” she says.

“We’ve just moved into a house from a flat so we will be spending a lot of time outside and taking advantage of the outdoor space. The garden is definitely a huge plus!”

Gingerbread runs a dedicated support service for single parents families – visit its website or call 0808 802 0925.

For further information on support and resources, visit the Turn2us website.

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What To Do If You Don’t Like Your Kid’s Friend

It’s an issue many parents will run into at one point or another: Your kid is hanging out with someone you’re not crazy about.

You might think this friend is a bad influence because of the language they use, the way they treat other kids or speak to adults, or their attitude toward school. Maybe this friend has been mean, controlling or otherwise inconsiderate toward your child.

Whatever the reason, it can be a tricky issue to navigate. Below, parenting experts offer advice on how to handle the situation.

Do some self-reflection.

First, take a little time to consider what exactly is rubbing you the wrong way about this friendship. Are your feelings warranted – or is it possible you’re bringing your own baggage to the table?

“Do you dislike the child because of your personal values, prejudice or opinion?” Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and author of The Me, Me, Me Epidemic, told HuffPost. “Your child may be benefitting from this friendship or have more in common with the child than you may realise — even if you wouldn’t choose this friend for yourself.”

Or perhaps your feelings toward this friend are misplaced. You think you don’t like the kid when really, it’s the parents you have an issue with.

“In today’s charged political and social climate, parents can be faced with interacting with families that don’t align with their views,” clinical psychologist Cindy T. Graham — founder of Brighter Hope Wellness Center — told HuffPost.

Ask your kid about the friendship

Put aside your preconceived notions for a moment and have a conversation with your kid about this friend. Ask why they like hanging out with them and what they enjoy doing together. Be curious and listen to what they have to say. This requires an open heart and mind, Graham said.

“Aside from being a great opportunity to connect with your child, it gives you the chance to learn about aspects of the friend’s personality, demeanour or circumstances that you may not have previously been aware of,” she said.

“For example, sometimes kids can present as immature or standoffish when under stressful situations,” Graham continued. “Moments that trigger anxiety ― such as meeting unfamiliar adults ― can lead to behaviours that may be perceived as disrespectful.”

Try also putting yourself in the kid’s shoes. Think about the struggles they — or their family — might be facing that could be affecting their behaviour.

“Take into consideration what they may be going through or have gone through,” McCready said. “Your own kid or family may be just what this child needs!”

Get to know the friend and their parents better

Spend some time with the friend and their family — it might show you a different side of them. Go into the experience hoping to see what your child sees in them.

“It’s also helpful for the parent to be willing to get to know the family on a few different occasions,” Graham said. “This will give everyone a greater chance of getting past the initial anxieties of making a good first impression to instead get to know one another.”

Judge the behaviour, not the person

If the friend in question does something you don’t like, it’s OK to tell your child that their behaviour concerned you. But resist making accusations or assumptions about the friend’s character because of it.

“You can comment on a friend’s behaviour that you disapprove of and help your child problem-solve why that behaviour may be something they shouldn’t mimic,” McCready said. “The bottom line: Judge the behaviour, not the person.”

“Friendships that are less-than-ideal aren’t necessarily a recipe for disaster or a path to trouble.”

– Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions

If you think the friendship is a danger to your child, step in

There’s a difference between not being particularly fond of your kid’s friend and feeling like this person could be a true threat to your child’s safety or well-being. If it’s the latter case, you should intervene immediately, McCready said.

“If you’re concerned, set limits – without prohibiting the friendship,” she said. “Keep a close eye on behaviours and offer your home as a hang-out spot to keep your eye on the kids, or set an earlier curfew when your child is hanging out with that friend.”

Look out for negative changes in your child’s behaviour that could indicate the friendship is an unhealthy one. For your child, that might mean a worsening mood, a sudden change in their grades or withdrawing from activities they once enjoyed.

If you notice any of these signs, “then parents would want to look into the social dynamics with the friend more closely,” Graham said.

Talk about what it means to be a good friend.

Use this situation as an opportunity to have conversations about what healthy friendships look and feel like. Discuss important qualities like trust, respect and standing up for one another.

“Highlight the differences in how you feel in a healthy friendship – inspired, accepted, safe, encouraged, hopeful, versus the emotions that come from unhealthy, toxic relationships – feeling anxious, disrespected, put out, pressured to do things you don’t want to do, or like you’re constantly in competition with your friend,” McCready said.

Try to remember what it was like to be a kid yourself

It’s normal for kids and teens to go through different phases as they try to figure out who they are.

“Many kids who may have seemingly off-putting personalities are going through a phase that many of us go through,” Graham said.

Consider this: When you were younger, perhaps you weren’t always the kind of kid your friends’ parents were thrilled about, either. Keeping that in mind “could help you to be more kind towards your kids’ friends,” Graham said.

Also, remember that your kids are growing up in a different time than you did.

“Often what was once considered unacceptable can change over time,” Graham added.

Keep things in perspective

Friends come in and out of our kids’ lives. Just because these two are buddy-buddy right now doesn’t mean they’re going to be inseparable forever (even if it feels that way).

“Understand that these may not be your child’s friends for life and statistically, they probably won’t be,” McCready said. “According to a study, only one percent of friendships formed in middle school are still going strong by the 12th grade.”

Agree to disagree

It’s a fact of life: you’re not going to like everyone your kid is friends with, and that’s OK. Sometimes an “agree to disagree” approach is the best thing for the health of your relationship with your child. (As McCready pointed out, trying to forbid the friendship could create a power struggle between you and your child — one that could push them away from you and closer to this friend.)

“There is a lot to be said for social relationships that allow a child to thrive and feel supported,” Graham said. “As long as the friend isn’t having a detrimental effect on your child, it may be best to accept that you may not always like your child’s choices, including their friendships.”

And remember: Even not-great friendships can turn out to be positive learning experiences for your kid. For example, it may help them figure out which qualities they value in a friend or teach them how to set and hold boundaries.

“Friendships that are less-than-ideal aren’t necessarily a recipe for disaster or a path to trouble,” McCready said. “With your open mind and willingness to offer counsel, your kids will navigate friendships with the proper support.”

This is part of a HuffPost Parents series called Enjoy the Ride. Read more here.

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The Most Important Phrases You Should Teach Your Kid From A Young Age

As parents, we want to raise good kids — ones who are curious, confident, empathetic, resilient and respectful.

What we say to (or in front of) our children, the way we say it and the behavior we model help shape the people they’ll become.

We asked experts to share some of the most important phrases we can teach our kids from a young age. Many of them are simple yet make a “surprisingly big impact on children’s abilities to thrive,” said educational psychologist Michele Borba, author of “Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine.”

1. “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.”

Little kids love asking questions — sometimes nonstop from the moment they open their eyes in the morning to the time their head hits the pillow at night. All that curiosity is great, but it can also be exhausting for parents and caregivers.

“Sometimes we inadvertently deflect our children’s curiosity because it can be overwhelming,” psychotherapist Mercedes Samudio, author of “Shame-Proof Parenting,” told HuffPost. “But teaching our children that there is nothing wrong with being curious and even teaching them how to seek out answers from others can be a helpful trait to cultivate in children from a young age.”

Encouraging their inquisitiveness and helping them feel confident enough to speak up when they’re unsure about something will serve them well for years to come.

2. “I got this!”

We want our kids to adopt a “growth mindset,” a term coined by Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck, which describes the belief that talent can be developed with hard work, determination and help from others. Those with a fixed mindset, however, believe their intelligence and skills are innate and therefore unlikely to be improved upon.

“When kids (or adults) are in a fixed mindset, difficulty makes them feel inadequate — their fixed ability feels deficient — and their confidence becomes shaky,” Dweck told Stanford News. “But when they are in a growth mindset, difficulty is a natural part of learning, so they are more likely to take it in stride and find new strategies that work better.”

Phrases like “I got this!” can help kids feel more confident as they attempt new and difficult things.

Maskot via Getty Images

Phrases like “I got this!” can help kids feel more confident as they attempt new and difficult things.

Borba recommends encouraging your child to use phrases like “I got this” or “I can do this” to bolster their belief in themselves when challenges arise.

“Our children must develop growth mindsets — a sense of personal efficacy or agency — especially in today’s uncertain world,” she said. “Resilient children are tenacious — they don’t stop! And they don’t wait to be rescued.”

3. “Hi, my name is X. What’s yours?”

Between schools being closed and many activities and events being canceled, the coronavirus pandemic limited kids’ opportunities to socialize with their peers. Now that things are opening up again, we can encourage kids to get back out there and introduce themselves to new people and, hey, maybe even make a new friend.

“Two years of physical distancing has caused a lot of children to be socially anxious,” she said. “They haven’t exercised their social skills — and they’re easy to learn if we model them.”

4. “It’s OK to make mistakes. Just be honest about it.”

Making mistakes is an inevitable part of life. When we teach our kids this, we send a message that messing up is only human. It’s how we handle those blunders that matters.

“Honesty is a trait many parents want to cultivate in their children, and the best way to do that is to make sure that it’s OK to make mistakes in your family,” Samudio said. “From a young age, we can teach children that the best way to develop honesty is to be supported through mistakes — which moves children away from lying to get out of trouble, because mistakes don’t bring punitive responses.”

5. “Thank you.”

Gratitude is a learned behavior. As parents, it’s our duty to help instill in our children the importance of being thankful for what we have — and expressing it. Research has shown that practicing gratitude is strongly and consistently linked with greater happiness, as well as better health and relationships.

Saying thank you often increases gratitude — “a known and simple happiness booster,” Borba said.

You might model this to your child by expressing to them how grateful you are for their thoughtful or helpful acts, said Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions.

“Be specific about how they made a difference for you: ‘Thank you for playing with the dog while I had my conference call. I really appreciate how you kept him occupied so I could concentrate on the meeting.’” she previously told HuffPost. “Being the recipient of gratitude will encourage your kids to want to pass it on.”

Let them also see you share your appreciation for others in your day-to-day life.

“From the cashier at the grocery store, to the dry cleaner to their teachers,” said McCready. “Your kids are watching and listening.”

6. “It’ll be OK.”

Helping our kids learn to stay optimistic through difficult times can put them in a better position to weather life’s challenges.

Language like “It’ll be OK,” “I’ll get through it” and “Things will get better” can be powerful in achieving this.

“Let’s teach kids simple statements to keep hope alive and pessimism down,” Borba said.

According to Aha! Parenting, “Research shows that optimists, who believe they can achieve success, are in fact more able to do so. They are less likely to get depressed, get fewer illnesses, have longer relationships, and live longer.”

Teach your child that they have the power to perceive setbacks any way they choose. When they’re catastrophizing, remind them that many problems are temporary and often within their power to fix — or at least improve.

This is part of a HuffPost Parents series called Enjoy the Ride. Read more here.

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21 Little Milestones That Are Secretly A Big Deal For Kids

Rolling over. The first step. The first word. Parents often fixate on these classic developmental milestones, but doing so can lead to unhealthy comparisons and insecurity.

“Milestones are exciting, but also know that your child may not follow the ‘expected’ ages for specific actions,” said Christina Furnival, a psychotherapist who specializes in children’s mental health. “Each child is unique and special and wonderful, regardless of the standard milestones they reach and the age at which they reach them.”

Of course, if you have serious concerns about your child’s development, it’s important to talk to your pediatrician. But if you simply find yourself feeling worried about their progress and your ability as a parent, remember that there are so many milestones worthy of celebration, including more nuanced and subtle ones.

Below, Furnival and other experts share 21 interesting and insightful small milestones in childhood development.

Showing visual attention

“Visual attention is a very important early developmental milestone that is more difficult to measure in a concrete way,” said Lauren C. Shuffrey, a developmental neuroscientist. “At birth, infants already have the ability to visually distinguish different types of objects, such as human faces, and this skill continues to develop over time. Visual attention to social or nonsocial stimuli in the early life environment helps form the basis for more complex skills later in infancy, such as social communication and joint attention.”

Kristene Geering, director of content at Parent Lab, noted that she looks for and delights in seeing a baby express joint attention ― another big step in their visual attention development.

“This might be a child looking at something, turning back to the parent, then looking back at the object,” she explained. “Or it could be them pointing at something and checking to see if you’re looking, too. A lot of parents don’t realize what a big deal that is for both communication and cognitive development, but it’s huge!”

Dropping and knocking things over

It may seem annoying when your little one drops their toy every time you hand it to them, but Rachel Robertson, vice president of education at Bright Horizons, said this is another big sign of growth.

“Toddlers are really great scientists,” she explained. “They are exploring a lot of cause and effect: Like what happens when I drop my spoon once, twice, 10 times! How about if I dump this bucket of blocks? They are working on muscle control.”

Amanda Gummer, a child psychologist and founder of The Good Play Guide, noted that babies dropping things is a step toward understanding “that they can have an impact on their environment” ― thus making major strides in cognitive development.

“For example, splashing water, knocking over a pile of blocks, or pressing a button on a toy to set off lights and sound,” she added. “Toddlers and preschoolers will then progress from seeing the world in a very concrete way, to being able to use symbolic and logical thinking.”

Forming a strong attachment

“Has your infant around five months on become less comfortable with being passed around and a little more clingy?” said Noel McDermott, a psychotherapist. “They are forming attachments in a healthy way to a primary carer. Their neurological frontal lobe development ― the brain development crucial for language, social, thinking, executive decision making ― is happening.”

He explained that this mechanism allows them to develop bonds with others throughout their lives. While this can manifest as separation anxiety and pose challenges, it’s actually a milestone when your child shows a strong attachment to a parent or friend.

“Even when your preschooler cries at drop-off because they are so comfortable with you ― that’s a milestone to note,” Furnival added. “Also when they run into class without looking back.”

Playing peekaboo

“Peekaboo is another milestone that, while parents certainly enjoy it, they don’t often recognize as a sign of object permanence,” Geering said.

Object permanence is the ability to understand that items or people still exist even when you can’t see them. “There are several stages for object permanence, and recognizing that this is a milestone … can make a parent’s day.”

Smiling at and with you

When your baby smiles at and with you, that’s a powerful developmental milestone that fosters connection and communication. Pay attention to “social smiles.”

“Smiling is a way to bond with your child,” said Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, a pediatric psychologist and parent coach.

“It also helps them with their self-concept ― understanding who they are in relation to others,” she added. “It gives them reassurance that you love and care about them. It’s also a way for people to connect since so much of our communication is nonverbal and subtle.”

Eventually they will recognize themselves in the mirror and smile then as well, indicating an understanding of self.

Engaging in imaginative play

Playtime is an important part of child development, and the toddler years are when things start to evolve quickly.

“Your kid will start to play by themselves, and in their play space, objects can change and morph,” McDermott said. “Blocks can transform from one thing to another. A pencil may become a rocket. A toy car may become a submarine. Your kid is developing their literacy. This ability to imaginatively transform and maintain transformation in a creative internal narrative is the cognitive skill needed for reading.”

Kelly Oriard, a family therapist and co-founder of Slumberkins, an educational brand focused on emotional learning, said parents can get a glimpse into their child’s inner world by joining them during playtime. She noted that imaginative play fosters language development, relational interactions, problem-solving skills, and self-esteem.

“This magical milestone is such a fun one,” Oriard said. “Your child will begin to imagine and create their own little worlds for themselves and their toys. Through this milestone, children can better figure out their place in the world and their roles within their different systems. Another benefit of imaginative play is that kids can also explore their emotional identification and expression.”

Taking turns

“From ages 1-3 years, milestones can include sharing toys with friends or siblings and learning to take turns during play,” said Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist.

This milestone manifests earlier than many parents expect, so they might not recognize its importance.

“Of course, we want our kids to take turns on the playground, but when your toddler rolls the ball back and forth with you ― that’s also turn-taking!” Geering said. “And it builds not just the social-emotional skills we want our kids to have, it also helps in communication, that back-and-forth part of speech.”

Saying ‘no’

Hearing “no” from your toddler can get frustrating, but Robertson explained that it is not necessarily a bad thing.

“For toddlers, saying ‘no!’ means they are discovering their independence and exercising some control,” she said. “They are figuring out they have preferences and opinions, but don’t have a lot of words or methods of expressing them. It is worth noting when they start to be able to express their feelings like that, it is a sign of identity development. ‘Me do it’ or ‘I no want broccoli’ means they understand they are an individual who can express thoughts and have some autonomy.”

Matching objects

“It’s important to understand that one skill usually builds on another,” Geering said. “For example, while parents may think of reading as a milestone, it’s actually several milestones building on one another. One very early reading skill is being able to match two objects. A later stage would be matching that object to a photo, and then to an illustration.”

The smaller steps that build up to reading are important little milestones on their own. Parents can see that their child is making progress when they learn to recognize those incremental skills.

“If you see rows of patterned scribbles or shapes that sort of resemble letters, that means they are beginning to understand communication and that markings are symbols that represent words and ideas,” Robertson added.

Asking ‘why’ questions

“When you child is about 3, they start to ask ‘why’ questions,” said John and Kyle Hattie, co-authors of “10 Steps to Develop Great Learners.”

“This is a big deal as they are trying to understand the weird world they have come into. Things are happening that they want to begin to understand, see how their thinking about the world is true or not, and become genuinely curious.”

The authors noted that it’s important for parents to help their children find answers to their queries because during this time is when their child is developing a theory of the world around them.

“Children who do not get answers to the many ‘why’ questions begin to fall behind their peers, become less trusting in the world and people around them, and later in school struggle to make meaning,” they said.

Recognizing the urge to use the bathroom

“While parents often think of potty training as one thing, it’s made up of a lot of steps along the way,” Geering said. “It starts with the brain being able to even recognize the urge to go.”

During this time, kids are also “learning to coordinate their brains and bodies,” she said, for example, when they are figuring out how to pull their pants down and back up.

Starting daycare

“Entering daycare is a big milestone for toddlers and parents,” Lockhart said. “It introduces the concept of separation from primary caregivers, socializing and connecting with other adults and peers, independent play, gross and fine motor skills, and executive functioning skills, like problem-solving.”

She acknowledged separating from your little one can be nerve-wracking for many parents, but it’s a powerful and important developmental task.

Engaging in parallel play

“A stage of social development that’s easy to miss is when babies are playing next to other babies, but not together,” Gummer said. “They may be doing something completely different, watching the other child, or perhaps copying what the other infant is doing. This is known as parallel play and it will progress into playing with others as they get older.”

She emphasized that parallel play is a big first step toward collaborative play and making their first friend.

Experiencing humor

“The first laugh or even the first time your child understands humor and cracks a real joke ― should be noted and observed with greater frequency,” Oriard said.

She explained that a child’s displays of humor are joyful moments but also important social-emotional milestones to celebrate. Take note when you see your kid “get” a joke and laugh, relish in making other people laugh, or laugh at themselves when they do something silly.

Showing empathy

“Social-emotional milestones are being able to recognize emotions in themselves and others, and demonstrate compassion,” Robertson said. “Maybe they share something with a friend who is sad or offer you a hug without prompting. This shows you that they’re developing perspective and empathy.”

Acknowledge the first time your children show concern when someone is sad or hurt. Foster this empathy by helping them identify big feelings in themselves and others.

“Empathy is such a powerful skill, and throughout your child’s life, it can help create more robust and healthier relationships with others, including peers,” Oriard said.

Developing motor skills

“As a parent, point out those small skills your kids have now that they didn’t have a few months ago,” advised Deborah Farmer Kris, a parent educator. “Zipping up their jacket, putting on their socks, using a spoon, sorting their toys. Walking, talking, reading and writing aren’t events ― they are a cumulative processes.”

Furnival added that fine motor milestones may look like anything from using scissors to holding a pencil a certain way, while gross motor milestones can be going up the stairs one foot at a time or throwing a ball.

Seeing things as right and wrong

“Another important social-emotional milestone occurs around the ages of 4-5,” Oriard said. “At this stage, children begin to understand right and wrong and begin to conceptualize things from a moral viewpoint.”

Beginning to see things as right and wrong indicates that your child’s worldview is broadening, so they are better understanding how their actions can affect others.

“While moral development doesn’t happen all at once and is fine-tuned through many years, at this age, we begin to see it burgeoning into our children’s day-to-day interactions.”

Demonstrating emotional self-regulation

In addition to recognizing and expressing emotions, showing signs of emotional self-regulation is a significant milestone.

“When a child tries ― maybe doesn’t always succeed ― but tries to calm their own emotions, that is a really important sign of a critical life skill of self-regulation, being able to control emotions and actions,” Robertson said. “This is paramount in a classroom or a boardroom.”

Practicing complex and flexible thinking

An underappreciated sign of development is when a child demonstrates an ability to hold more than one thing in their mind at once and think flexibly. Robertson believes that this shows budding executive function control.

“Executive function is the most sophisticated set of brain functions and develops into a person’s 20s,” she explained. “It’s often compared to the CEO of the mind and includes working memory, self-control, and flexible thinking. If a child can remember three-step directions, or plan ahead and follow through even when distracted, or play a game like Simon Says, they are developing those very important abilities.”

Gummer pointed to another important step in the development of logical thinking and cognitive reasoning skills.

“Until around age 7, a child will believe that a tall, thin cup holds more liquid than a short, wide cup,” she said. “This is known as conservation. It can support a child’s math skills and along with other types of logic, can help children to problem solve in many different scenarios.”

Finding success at school

Parents often fixate on report cards as the most significant marker of a child’s development in an academic setting. But Joanne Frederick Washington, a licensed mental health counselor, believes there’s much more to it than grades.

“Other milestones that may not get recognized are kids waking up on their own every morning to go to school, their achievement of going into the next grade level, no days absent in a school year, not getting suspended, or having detention in a school year,” she said.

Overcoming a challenge

Going to school or participating in sports and other activities gives kids the opportunity to overcome a challenge or persevere after making a mistake.

“When they make a mistake, the big deal is what then happens next,” John and Kyle Hattie noted. “It’s learning that errors and failure are the learner’s best friends, and they are opportunities to learn.”

Challenges force kids to develop interpersonal skills, resilience, self-awareness, creativity and confidence.

“Going from frustration to satisfaction is the goal,” said Susan G. Groner, author and founder of “The Parenting Mentor.”

“We need to allow our kids to experience the frustration in order for them to figure it out and problem solve and then feel the satisfaction.”

She emphasized enjoying your time with your child and supporting them as they grow. “Observe the little things. Maybe we call them ‘inch stones,’ she said. “Hitting markers should be fun, rather than stressful!”

This is part of a HuffPost Parents series called Enjoy The Ride. Read more here.

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The Toxic Phrases We Need To Stop Saying To Kids

In the course of raising children, all parents say things that we’re not super proud of. Kids are remarkably good at getting under our skin, and we don’t always meet the moment with the kind of grace or compassion we’d like. (To wit: I looked straight in my preschooler’s eyes this morning and told him the police would arrest him for not putting his mittens on.)

Luckily, experts say it’s not only OK that parents say the “wrong” stuff sometimes; it’s universal. Parents shouldn’t feel shame or guilt about it, and it’s also important to keep in mind the bigger picture. Do kids feel safe and loved and like they can be themselves? Great. Some verbal misfires won’t change that.

Still, there are some phrases that parents and other adults in children’s lives tend to use habitually that could be more damaging than any of us intend. Here are five to be mindful of, and some tips on what to say instead.

1. “You’re OK!” or “It’s not a big deal.”

When a child falls down the playground, they’re inevitably met with a chorus of: “You’re OK!” Similarly, when a kid is in the midst of a problem that seems relatively benign — say, a friend takes a toy they were playing with, or an older child shares an off-handed comment from school that doesn’t seem all that serious — many of us parents respond with: “It’s not a big deal.”

That instinct is totally understandable, experts say.

“We often say [these phrases] to children in an attempt to help them feel better or calm them when they are feeling distressed or hurt,” explained psychologist Sarah Conway, founder of Mindful Little Minds. “We think that if we don’t make a big deal about it, they won’t either. However, when we say this to children, they feel dismissed and they feel unheard.”

If the child hears the message often enough, there’s a danger that they will feel like they can’t trust us with their difficult moments or emotions, Conway said. They might also start to feel like they can’t trust their own emotions. That’s why the similar phrase “stop crying” is also a problem. (It’s also ineffective. Reminder: tears and tantrums are developmentally appropriate for younger kids.)

The good news? The alternative to reflexively telling kids they’re OK or that whatever they’re grappling with isn’t a big deal is pretty easy.

“Instead, try ‘Are you OK?’” Conway recommended. “This sends a message to kids that we care about how they feel and that they can share their emotions with us.”

2. “You always… ” or “You never… ”

First and foremost, “always” and “never” are rarely true. But also, they can become self-fulfilling, particularly with children who are really figuring themselves out.

“When they hear these messages from us as their parents, they start to believe them. Then we see more of the behaviours that feed into this label they’re assigning to the definition of themselves,” Kimberley Bennett, psychologist and founder of The Psychologist’s Child.

To the extent it’s possible, shift your lens, she urged, and notice when they’re doing the opposite of the behaviour that you don’t like.

“For example, if we’re saying, ‘You’re always rough with your little brother,’” Bennett said, “notice the occasions when they’re gentle, loving and kind, and celebrate that with them.” It can also be helpful to let your child overhear you talking about them positively to other adults, she said.

And when they’re engaged in a behaviour you don’t like, invite them to try and solve the problem with you, Bennett said. Ask them questions like: “What can we do to stop this from happening?” Or, “What can you do the next time you feel that way?”

3. “It makes me sad/angry/happy when you do XYZ.”

“Many parents believe they are teaching their children about empathy when they use this phrase,” Conway said. “However, this sentence sends a message to kids that they are the cause of our big feelings and that they are responsible for managing them.”

Ultimately, children might start hiding things from the adults in their life for fear of upsetting them. Also remember: perspective-taking – i.e., the ability to see something from another side – isn’t something younger kids (like, toddlers, preschoolers or even younger elementary school-age children) are developmentally capable of.

Of course, none of that is to suggest that you shouldn’t draw – and hold – firm parental boundaries and intervene when your child crosses them.

“Save the lesson on empathy for another time and just stick to the facts. Acknowledge how they feel and then clearly state your boundary by starting the sentence with, ‘I won’t let you … (hit me, kick your brother, etc.),’” Conway said.

4. “Don’t be rude. Give so-and-so a hug.”

This one often comes up around the holidays when families are getting together, or right before bedtime when a parent urges their kiddo to give a grandparent or cousin a hug, even if their child isn’t into it. (I fully admit that I’ve had psychologists and therapists share this no-no with me for years now as I’ve worked on various parenting stories, and I still, every once in a while, encourage my totally hug-averse 7-year-old to hug his grandparents when he says goodbye.)

But what we teach our children in those moments is that their own boundaries don’t matter, said Ashurina Ream, founder of Psyched Mommy.

“When we force our kids to go hug somebody – or even apologise when they’re not ready – we teach them that they need to perform to please others,” she explained. “We’re also teaching them if their body feels uncomfortable hugging a relative, for example, and they do it anyway, that they need to ignore the signals their body sends them.”

This is a boundary parents really might need to hold firm for their children. Tell them it’s totally OK if they’d prefer to fist bump, blow a kiss or even just wave goodbye or good night. (Ask them: “What feels good to you?” Ream said.) Reassure your child – and the other adult in question – that they can still show respect and love toward others while listening to their own bodies.

5. “That’s not true!”

“I actually caught myself doing this recently,” Ream said. Her son told her that no one ever wants to play with him. “My instinct is to say, ‘That’s not true!’ Or maybe it’s a teen girl who says, ‘I’m so ugly’ and our instinct is to say, ‘That’s not true!’ because it hurts us deeply to hear our kids hurting.’”

But when they tell us something that’s bothering them, and our parental instinct is to immediately respond “that’s not true,” they hear that we don’t believe them, Ream warned. Or that their own instincts or read on a given situation are not to be trusted.

“Even if what they’re saying is silly, it’s their reality at the end of the day. It’s not our job to tell them they’re wrong. It’s really our job to hear them out,” Ream said. Instead, be curious. Ask questions like: What makes you think that?

Remember: Our job as parents is not to fix everything for our kids, as much as we might like to. Nor is it to have a perfect script all the time. (There isn’t one!) Our job is to make sure our children feel comfortable coming to us with all of their emotions — good ones and tough ones — for years to come, and to really listen when they do.

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Yup, End-Of-Summer Tantrum Season Is Here, And It’s No Fun

For so many kids, summer really is bliss. There’s the initial joy of school being over that soon gives way to sunshine-filled days, later bedtimes, and generally loosened-up routines.

But as summer slips away, things tend to go south. Kids who just a month or two ago couldn’t believe how lucky they were to spend an afternoon at the beach turn into tired, entitled monsters, freaking out when you ask them to do anything, or yelling about seemingly little stuff.

And depending on when school starts where you live, you’re likely deep into end-of-summer-slash-start-of-school tantrum season, when kids seem to collectively lose their minds.

So why does it happen? And what can you do about it? Here’s what parents need to know about navigating this short (but intense!) stretch of time.

Spending time out of routines eventually catches up with kids.

Yes, kids love how unstructured and fun summer is. But being out of their routines for several months eventually catches up to them, especially if they’ve spent week after week soaking up lots of sun, staying up late and not necessarily eating all that well.

“We know that kids thrive when there is structure in their routines, and not having that is chaotic,” said Dr. Candice Jones, an American Academy of Pediatrics spokesperson and author of High Five Discipline: Positive Parenting for Happy, Healthy, Well-Behaved Kids.

Jones, who is a mum herself, certainly doesn’t think that kids and families have to stick to a strict schedule during the summer. But it can help to just remind yourself that your kid isn’t melting down because they’re trying to push your buttons; they’re melting down because the happy chaos of summer may finally be catching up to them.

Day-to-day, make sure you’re doing what you can to prevent tantrums by “managing their environment” and making sure your kids are getting enough food and that they’re relatively well-rested, Jones said. Sometimes on long, hot, end-of-summer days simply making sure a kiddo gets a nap and a few good snacks can do wonders for their overall behaviour.

Reminding kids of parts of school that they really like can help ease end-of-summer tantrums. 

Reminding kids of parts of school that they really like can help ease end-of-summer tantrums. 

Remember: transitions are tough, especially this year.

As you navigate the summer/fall back-to-school tantrum season, it’s also helpful to remind yourself that transitions are difficult, especially when many kids are heading back to the classroom full time for the first time in 18 months.

“It’s hard for children and parents to go through,” Jones said.

If your child’s school hasn’t started yet, it can be helpful to reinstate some routines beforehand and practice what it’s like to all get out the door in the morning, she urged. Ideally, about two weeks or so before they head back, you’d start to institute a more regular bedtime and wake time, for example. Block off time for them to read, or for you to read together, so they get a bit of practice learning again if they’ve taken a bit of a break.

Then just try to be gentle and patient with yourself and with them, Jones urged.

Try this ‘active ignoring’ technique.

Tantrums may be developmentally appropriate for younger kids, but that doesn’t necessarily help you stay calm in the moment. So Jones is a big fan of taking a few moments to step away from a toddler who is melting down, provided it’s safe to do so.

“One of the strategies that works is the removal of your attention. Don’t argue with the child. Don’t beg and plead. Just kind of calm yourself down, and remove your attention, and once your child starts to settle … then you can acknowledge their feelings by saying something like, ‘What’s going on? What’s wrong?’” she said. (Some kids really benefit from someone holding them close while they’re in the middle of a tantrum, Jones added, and you can absolutely still give them that kind of close physical support while not giving into their demands.)

The Child Mind Institute calls this strategy “active ignoring,” and notes that it’s very important to give positive attention as soon as the behaviour you’re looking for starts.

Give older kids plenty of opportunities to talk about their feelings.

There’s ample evidence that children of all ages had a tough time emotionally over the past 18-plus months, so now more than ever it’s important for parents to give their children time and space to open up about what they’re experiencing as the summer winds down.

Also, don’t be surprised if older school-age children suddenly seem to be having meltdowns or regressing, which has been happening throughout the pandemic.

With kids who aren’t necessarily big sharers, it can help to back into the conversation a bit by asking how they think their friends are coping with this current moment of transition, for example, or by telling them a bit about how you’re feeling right now. (Here are some other creative ways real parents have found to get a sense of their children’s pandemic-related feelings, which may work for the end-of-summer/back-to-school stretch.)

Don’t forget to get them excited about school as well, Jones said. Let them help you with back-to-school shopping, she suggested. Remind them of friends they’ll see or activities they love that they’ll get to do again.

“Check in, see how they’re doing, and talk to them,” Jones said. “Let them know you’re there for them.”

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Help, My Kid Is A ‘Whiteatarian’ Who Only Eats Beige Food

It was parents’ weekend at my daughter’s college, and we were treating her to dinner at an off-campus bistro. The waitress arrived, and she gave her order: “I’ll have the baked salmon with a side of sauteed spinach, please.”

I dropped my menu, my jaw and the mistaken notion that I knew what this kid had been up to since we’d dropped her off a couple of months ago. I had spent most of the past 18 years trying to nudge her – sometimes gently, sometimes with growing desperation º into eating something, anything, other than noodles with butter and salt, half a bagel with plain cream cheese or – her true love –Rold Gold Tiny Twist pretzels.

The idea of fish had always made her shudder. The mere mention of “green things” like spinach could lead to tears. So what was up with her dinner order tonight? She shrugged. “They serve salmon in the dining hall sometimes, and my friends all eat it. Everybody at school likes spinach, too.”

I feigned disinterest and changed the subject, but inside I was doing the parental equivalent of a victory dance. I had relinquished my title as mother of the world’s most adamant whiteatarian, all for the low, low cost of tuition at a liberal arts college that was 1,000 miles away from home.

Your kid is hardwired to act like this

Before I do any more gloating about the sight of my beloved progeny actually putting spinach in her mouth, let’s take a step back to those early years, when I was driven to frustration by a girl who refused anything that wasn’t white. What made her act that way, anyhow?

Well, mums and dads, you already know that children are annoying for lots of reasons, including a tendency toward tantrums, a love of pre-dawn wake-up times and, of course, picky eating. Would it help if I told you that their eating preferences are pretty much hard-wired into their sweet-smelling little noggins?

Look familiar?

Look familiar?

The National Institutes of Health says infants have an “innate preference for sweet and salty tastes and tend to reject sour and bitter tastes.”

And, guess what, it gets worse. “After the age of one, vegetables begin to taste very bitter to children,” Alisha Grogan, a paediatric occupational therapist who specialises in picky eating and sensory processing, tells HuffPost.

“When humans had to forage in the wild, children’s sensitive taste buds prevented them from eating anything poisonous.”

Some kids remain loyal passengers of the S.S. Sweet And Salty even as they get older, often to the exclusion of any food that might actually provide, you know, some nourishment. A range of different studies have reported that, by the time they reach age 3, between 6% and 50% of kids are described as picky eaters by their parents.

And if you think they’re doing this just to piss you off, you’re right, at least when it comes to the younger set. “Toddlerhood is when many kids start to exert their autonomy and push boundaries with parents,” paediatrician Dina Kulik tells HuffPost. Not only do they get to remind you who’s boss, they also literally make themselves happy with each bland, beige bite. “Simple sugars are easy to eat, they taste good and they provide a quick dopamine hit, much like other stimulating drugs,” she says.

Can your kid live on beige food alone?

Is a diet of pasta and bread sustainable for health? Kulik said there are concerns. “The risk of iron deficiency, especially, is high on a very starchy diet,” she says. Even though many manufactured grain-based products are supplemented, she said, kids following the whiteatarian plan are often low in iron, vitamin D, calcium and B12.

Think this bagel with cream cheese looks plain enough? Think again – those sesame seeds could even be too much for a picky eater.

Think this bagel with cream cheese looks plain enough? Think again – those sesame seeds could even be too much for a picky eater.

In the short term, anyway, the nutritional prognosis is not totally dire. One study said that, while picky eaters did tend to have lower levels of zinc and iron, their overall macronutrient intakes were not severely reduced. And many of us know at least one adult who still lives on a mostly white diet and seems to survive, if not thrive.

“Many kids can survive on white carbs alone, as long as they’re eating enough of them,” Grogan says. “Carbs often are fortified with all sorts of vitamins and nutrition. However, depending on how limited a child’s diet is, they could have some nutritional deficiencies.”

The only thing you have to fear

In the comedy special John Mulaney & the Sack Lunch Bunch, a boy named Orson Hong sings an ode in which he declares that “a plain plate of noodles with a little bit of butter is the only thing I’ll eat.” His heartfelt song is more a lament than an homage, and it’s clear that his character is anxious and fearful about ingesting anything but this classic whiteatarian meal.

Fear is a big part of what’s going on, said Amanda Smith, a programme director at Walden Behavioral Care, and it’s important for both kids and parents to acknowledge that. “Some kids might be afraid of different textures, or they might fear that a food will make them choke or vomit,” she tells HuffPost. “It can be overwhelming, scary and hard, so it’s important for parents to try to understand that.”

“Short-order cooking and pressuring a child to eat during meals can lengthen the time a child is selective about what colour foods they’ll eat.”

– Alisha Grogan, paediatric occupational therapist

Keep in mind that once they’ve passed toddlerhood, this eating pattern is about them, not you. “If an older child is still eating only white foods, they aren’t trying to punish their parents or stress them out,” Grogan says. “Eating is hard for them. One way to help is to neutralise the topic, and to avoid labelling foods as good and bad or healthy and not healthy.”

Here’s what you can do

“I suggest not fighting or negotiating,” Kulik says. She suggested an attitude of: “Here’s the plate of food. If you want it, great.” Then, she advises, “If not, don’t start a battle. There is evidence kids need to try a food more than a dozen times to realise they like it. When you simply give in and offer the carbs, they don’t learn to try anything new, and the fear and pickiness persist.”

“Short-order cooking and pressuring a child to eat during meals can lengthen the time a child is selective about what colour foods they’ll eat,” Grogan adds.

In extreme cases, a child might have what’s known as Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder or ARFID. The disorder, Kulik explains, is characterised by “very selective eating habits or disturbed feeding patterns.”

She cites estimates that anywhere between 5% and 14% of children in inpatient eating disorder programs, and up to 22% of children in outpatient programs, have the disorder. “It’s important to note that this is a true mental disorder, and the vast majority of kids who are whiteatarians don’t have it,” she says.

Don't forget about tan foods, the close cousin to white foods.

Don’t forget about tan foods, the close cousin to white foods.

“If you have concerns, start with a visit to your child’s medical provider,” Smith suggests. “They’ll be able to assess any medical factors that could be playing a role, and they can check your child’s growth progress, weight and vital signs, and then run some lab work.”

You’ll also want to pay attention to patterns that develop at mealtimes. “If kids are having emotional tantrums or breakdowns over new foods being near them or on their plate, or if they’re gagging or throwing up when new or other-colored foods are near them, then it could be something more serious,” Grogan says.

“If your child is limiting intake to fewer than 20 foods, or you’re noticing physical symptoms relating to their diet, consulting with a health practitioner is advised,” says Sarah Appleford, a registered clinical nutritionist with an interest in children’s health, including fussy eating and gut issues.

“It’s more than just a phase if they’re refusing food at most meals, exhibiting anxiety or stress, have undeveloped eating skills or sensitivities based on texture, colour, appearance, noise or smell at the table and away from the table. Physical symptoms can include slow growth, fatigue, pallor of the skin or complaints of tummy pain or gastrointestinal upset such as constipation.”

Look to the rainbow

Along with every other awful thing, this issue is on the rise, according to the experts. “We’re seeing a growing number of kids with anxiety disorders, and extreme fussy eating behaviour is often a component,” Appleford says. But there is some good news, she adds: “Most children will naturally grow out of fussy eating as they gain more skills and confidence around food.”

“Parents can find it to be very stressful to have a child who only eats white foods, because it’s difficult to go to parties or even pack a lunch,” Grogan says. “But kids — even the pickiest — can learn to eat a variety of different coloured foods.”

In the meantime, listen to the experts and try to cut yourself (and your child) a little bit of slack. You might also want to start saving for that liberal arts college experience that will liberate their taste buds and turn them into rainbowtarians, just a few long years from now.

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