Why Socialize at All?

How do you get motivated to reach out and connect with people? What gets you to overcome inertia? What makes you want to risk rejection? Is it worth it to keep sifting through so many mismatches and partial matches? What makes you exert the effort to engage with people socially? What’s your why?

I brainstormed the following list in Conscious Growth Club yesterday in a discussion thread about the motivation for doing anything of a social nature – like connecting with people online or offline, joining groups, maintaining friendships, and doing shared activities. I thought it would be worthwhile to share it here too.

Here’s a personal list of motivations for being social. See if any of these strike a chord with you.

  • because I think it will be fun and interesting
  • because the people in that group have abilities or understandings that I lack, and I’d like to learn from them
  • because I like the people (or think I might like the people) and want to spend more time with them
  • because I can often advance faster in a new direction with more social support (I’ll take more action)
  • because I want to keep in good practice with my social skills
  • because I enjoy the activities
  • because I often create more interesting memories with people than without
  • because I grew up shy and introverted, and I love stretching myself to explore extrovert mode
  • because I find great benefit in following the “embrace the new” heuristic, and connecting with new people is one way to do that
  • because even when I don’t connect so well with a group, I’ve processed that energy that made me wonder about them, and I can let it go and invite something more aligned, so I gain clarity either way
  • because there are a lot of interesting people in the world, and it’s a fun gamble to take a risk that I could meet someone who changes the course of my life
  • because I sometimes enjoy the experience of “hiding” in a new group and seeing how long it takes for someone to recognize me and call out something like, “Hey, wait a minute… you’re that blogger guy, aren’t you? I remember reading about that polywhatsit sleep experiment you did back in the day.”
  • because it will stretch me if I choose the right groups, and it’s not a big loss if I temporarily choose a mismatch
  • because women will be there, and they’re fun creatures to connect with
  • because I’ve noticed that I’m generally happier after hanging out with growth-oriented people, even if I don’t always feel motivated to do it beforehand
  • because I keep getting better at finding quality matches, like learning that paid groups are usually vastly better than free ones (free Facebook groups are mostly dreadful compared to their paid equivalents)
  • because socializing in positive ways is better for my health and the health of others, adding years to our lives and reducing many risks (COVID times are different though)
  • because I like the positive surprises, interesting invitations, and variety that friendships add to my life (such as going to Costa Rica for a week of ayahuasca ceremonies with about 15 friends)
  • because I like seeing my friends learn and grow, especially over 10+ years
  • because I tried the opposite, and that ran its course for me and became boring
  • because I want to enjoy rich and meaningful friendships during my later years as I get older
  • because I enjoy and appreciate my alone time even more when it’s balanced with social time
  • because I’m not the jealous or envious type, and I take pleasure in other people’s successes (compersion)
  • because I get to wear clothes from the other side of the closet
  • because interacting with people helps me sculpt my character
  • because I struggled in business for years before I reached out and got involved with a nonprofit association, and that decision really transformed my life and business for the better
  • because I went bankrupt trying to figure everything out on my own
  • because I learned from someone else how to quickly recover from bankruptcy (his advice worked)
  • because humans don’t thrive in isolation
  • because I wouldn’t have met either of my wives if I didn’t reach out socially (I met Erin on an online forum and Rachelle at the first Conscious Growth Workshop)
  • because I wouldn’t have gotten a book published by a major publisher so easily if I hadn’t stretched myself socially
  • because I would have far fewer hugs and cuddles in my life if I held back
  • because I wouldn’t have seen the opportunity to get into blogging as early as I did (I learned about it from a game developer friend that I connected with online and at in-person conferences – Thanks, Tom!)
  • because other people frequently challenge me to stretch in different ways, and I wouldn’t grow nearly as much without them
  • because this life journey is fun and rewarding to share
  • because investing in people has made me feel less fearful and more at home here
  • because interacting with people helps me explore, deepen, and improve my relationship with life
  • because I used to avoid and mistrust people a lot, and I like that I developed the ability to feel a lot more comfortable around them (it’s lovely to enjoy the fruits of this transformation)
  • because compassion and caring are strong motivators for me
  • because I’d much rather spend 30 days at Disneyland with my best friend, lover, and life partner than alone
  • because many experiences are so much richer and more memorable when shared with one or more people
  • because it’s wonderful to be married to a woman whose cooking skills greatly exceed my own (and who likes to cook, including making yummy raw food)
  • because this is a part of my reality that isn’t going away anytime soon, and if I didn’t accept the invitation to explore it, I’d always wonder if I should have invested in a deeper social explorations
  • because the influence of other people got me traveling internationally, which has enriched my life tremendously
  • because I wouldn’t have otherwise discovered that I really like Canadians
  • because I wouldn’t have otherwise discovered independent theater (I’ve see 200+ plays from independent performers)
  • because most of the value that I give and receive in life flows through people
  • because Conscious Growth Club wouldn’t exist otherwise
  • because I’d never have done any live events otherwise
  • because I’d still otherwise be wondering “What if I had invested in this?” during every remaining year of my life
  • because game developers still keep cranking out the same drivel, and people remain more interesting for now… except Zelda: Breath of the Wild… that game is a bit better than most human interactions, but at least it ends
  • because a common regret of the dying was that they let their friendships fade away
  • because this life and all of our lives are temporary experiences
  • because I like being in love, and I want to spend most of my years that way
  • because The Princess Bride was a labor of love, created by people who enjoyed working together and who had a lot of fun along the way (listen to Cary Elwes’ As You Wish audiobook for some delightful stories about the making of the movie)
  • because if I don’t let myself engage with people, despite the risks, I’ll regret it
  • because many people are socially scared or anxious, and a lot of them secretly appreciate when someone takes the initiative and reaches out to connect
  • because many people feel socially awkward, and it benefits them when someone reaches out to help them practice while accepting them as they are (they still want and need to connect)
  • because socializing teaches patience like nothing else does
  • because social risks add spice to life
  • because rejection isn’t such a big deal once you get used to it
  • because one juicy connection makes it all so worthwhile
  • because we can help each other
  • because the world is facing many problems we cannot solve individually but we can solve collectively
  • because it took me many years to learn how to get in touch with the part of myself that cares, and I’ve invested way too much in that to turn my back on it (it lights me up inside)
  • because I want a life rich in emotional depth, and dealing with growth-oriented people sure stirs up plenty of emotion
  • because if I didn’t invest in this part of life, I’d be living out my days in a much smaller reality without realizing just how small it was
  • and dozens more reasons if I want to keep writing…

Instead of looking for one big why, you could consider the totality of many different whys. See how those stack up against your objections.

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Hard Cares

What do you care about?

Go ahead and rattle off your initial list – the people you know, doing a good job at work, making a positive difference in the world, etc.

Then dig deeper.

What are your high-risk cares? What do you care about internally but never share because you might be judged for it? What are your unusual cares?

Once you go beyond the the easy-breezy cares, what are the harder cares that require more investment or risk?

Here are some of mine:

  • I care about the long-term future of humanity and where it’s heading.
  • I care about politics. I respect and admire good leadership and intelligent decision making. I find the opposite deplorable.
  • I feel a connection with people who are feeling alone right now, not getting their needs met, wondering if they’ll ever find someone to share their life with or if they’ll even pull out of the slump they’re in. I care about helping them. I like playing the role of being a stable, positive presence in their life, someone who will keep encouraging them with limitless patience.
  • I care about the people who are in hospitals right now, many dying from COVID, especially those wishing they had more time to live. Sometimes I imagine what it’s like to not be able to breath.
  • I care about my relationship with this reality. This is a wondrous dimension of existence. I want to keep this relationship rooted in trust. I want to keep making this relationship stronger as I grow older.
  • I care about my wife. I want her to have a fabulous life full of delightful experiences, playful adventures, warm cuddles, sensual pleasures, inspiring challenges, and cherished memories. I love seeing her stretch herself as we grow together. I love that we are each other’s best friends.
  • I care about death. I want its presence to keep reminding me to live fully and not to settle for partial matches. I like that it keeps me aware of the potential pain of regret, sometimes with gentle reminders and sometimes with powerful ones.
  • I care about animals, especially those in the factory farming system that suffer daily in ways that would be unimaginable to humans. I would love to see humanity graduate to a more caring relationship with animals.
  • I care about technology. Its evolution fascinates me. I love seeing how my relationship with tech has evolved since the 1970s. It’s fun to think about how it will continue to evolve and what possibilities are just over the horizon.
  • I care about my character. I want to look within myself and like and appreciate what I see. I want to delve into the darkest regions of myself and replace shame, fear, and guilt with love, forgiveness, appreciation, and warmth. I want to live as a fully integrated being, not as a collection of parts arguing amongst themselves.
  • I care about my relationship with time. I want it to be my friend and ally, not my enemy. I want to look forward to my later years with positive anticipation and pre-appreciation, not with worry or angst. I want to look in the mirror and smile as I watch myself getting older.

Some of these cares led to major changes in how I live my life or how I run my business.

Hard cares are very motivating, but they’re difficult invitations to accept. It’s challenging to move beyond the easy-breezy cares and to admit that they just aren’t giving you enough motivational juice.

When I imagine doing things that other people seem to care about, like showing up to a corporate job each day, they just seem demotivating and pointless… like why would I want to waste my precious life on that, even for one day?

But I can easily get myself to spend days on end delving into esoteric aspects of personal growth that few people who like corporate jobs would understand or care about, but these explorations matter to me.

If I want to experience a life that flows with lots of motivational juice, I have to pursue and explore what I truly care about, not what society expects me to care about. This includes accepting that my cares are good and that they’re mine to explore and understand.

One care that’s been fascinating me a lot lately is my relationship with aging. I turn 50 in a few months, so knowing that I’m about to enter a new decade of my life is pushing this idea to the front of my mind. Society in general has a tremendously negative relationship with aging. I want to create a vastly more positive relationship with this aspect of life.

My hard cares are mostly relationships with different aspects of life. I care about making those relationships healthy, positive, and rich in appreciation. When I spot a relationship that isn’t working, I ask myself if I truly care about that relationship, and then I think about what changes I’ll need to make to invest in long-term improvement.

Investing in hard cares, especially by defining them as relationships, works very well.

I found it difficult to care about money, but I was able to care about my relationship with money. I didn’t want that relationship to be full of stress and angst. I wanted it to be full of abundance, playfulness, trust, creativity, and fun. I still don’t care much about money, but I love that I’ve been able to create this kind of relationship with money. I appreciate the relationship way more than the money itself.

I found it difficult to care about business, but I definitely care about my relationship with my business. I want this relationship to be rich in exploration, variety, connection, purpose, positive ripples, creative flow, and inspiration. I also want my relationship with my business to be light, playful, and flexible, not so heavy and controlling. I never want to feel trapped by my business. I want to feel engaged and uplifted. The desire to have this kind of relationship led to some careful decisions, including avoiding many “opportunities” that could easily turn the experience into a stressful trap. I love my business, and I want to keep that relationship happy and healthy for many more years.

I encourage you to take a hard look at the relationships with parts of your life that aren’t working so well. Describe the current relationship based on how you feel about it. Then describe how you’d like that relationship to be. Recognize that these are your hard cares, and to get aligned with them, you’ll need to make some hard decisions.

Be willing to say no to relationships that aren’t working for you. Elevate your hard cares from “nice to haves” to the level of “must haves.”

Many years ago I tolerated partial matches in my professional and personal life. I treated my hard cares as soft cares. That was very unsatisfying.

It was tough to go against the social grain and to demand better relationships from life. It was hard to admit the truth that these relationships really do matter a lot to me, and I’m not willing to sacrifice what I want to live up to someone else’s expectations.

It was hard to say, “No, I’m not just going to suck it up and suppress my feelings.”

It was hard to leave… again and again… till I got these relationships right.

But oh it was so worth it.

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Secure Attachment and Investment

In psychology there are three general ways to relate to other people, depending on how you interpret and manage emotional risk.

  • You can avoid deep emotional investments in people (avoidant attachment).
  • You can try to control other people (anxious attachment).
  • You can intelligently bond with people and invest in secure relationships (secure attachment).

You can generalize these dispositions to consider how you relate to different areas of life. Are you hiding? Are you over-controlling? Or are you securely investing?

There’s really a spectrum here for different aspects of life and for relating with different types of people, so in practice there are a lot more than just three options.

Your root relationship is your relationship with reality itself. That’s the most important one to get right because it’s the one from which all other relationships flow. All of your relationships are a part of your reality, so if your base relationship with reality is shaky, that will negatively affect all the others. This relationship is so important that I created the full 60-day Submersion course to help you explore, improve, and invest deeply in this core relationship to make it stronger and healthier. Do you feel grounded and secure in this life? That answer needs to be a yes.

Another relationship that’s critical to get right is your relationship with yourself. This is what the 65-lesson Stature course delves into in tremendous detail. It’s the deepest and most thorough self-exploration course that I’m aware of. The purpose is to help you face the full-spectrum truth about yourself and and to develop a healthy and empowering lifelong relationship with all aspects of yourself, including your inner critic, your inner child, and more.

From here you can consider relationships with people and with other aspects of life.

Our next deep dive (for the first quarter of 2021) will be about creative productivity. This new course will help you develop a healthy and secure relationship with your own creative flow. This doesn’t just mean doing creative work like writing or game development. It means managing the creative flow of your entire life as well. What kind of life are you creating? Do you like the direction your life is going? Are you over-steering or under-steering? How can you intelligently manage this flow on each time scale, hour by hour, year by year, and decade by decade, especially with an increasing rate of change?

For many years I’ve enjoyed a secure and healthy relationship with my creative flow, but I didn’t always have that kind of relationship. I had to work through issues like procrastination, selecting projects for the wrong reasons, seeing too many projects die on the vine, feeling too anxious about certain modes of expression (public speaking, being live on camera), overplaying the importance of money, etc.

I continue to invest in improving this relationship, which is really a collection of many different relationships. This year I discovered more depth and nuance in my relationship with creative output through the 365-day blogging challenge. If I wasn’t securely bonded in this relationship, it could have been a difficult year requiring a lot of discipline. But I was exploring a relationship that was already very healthy and positive, so I found the overall experience to be beautiful, warm, and relaxing.

Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries connects with these ideas as well. We can’t deeply invest our time and energy in relationships with everyone and everything. Do you know which relationships you want to deepen and which relationships you’d prefer to avoid? Do you know where you want to plant your social and emotional flag? Is that flag securely planted where you want it to be?

I especially love the depth of exploration that comes from secure bonding, so I can really invest long-term.

One of my personal flags is securely planted in a vegan lifestyle and vegan ethics. I’ve invested almost 24 years of my life in this path, and I want to keep investing for the rest of my life. I love being vegan, and my relationship with veganism keeps growing stronger and deeper. Next year I want to deepen this relationship even more by investing in a full year of a raw foods lifestyle.

I also really enjoy the secure bonding I have in my relationship with Rachelle. Lockdowns and social restrictions seem almost trivial when I get to spend each day with her. I never tire of spending time with her. Day after day I always look forward to even more time with her – hours, days, weeks, months, and years ahead. I love investing in our relationship.

Here’s the key that I struggled with for a long time: the notion of settling. I got stuck for so long by trying to settle for less than I really wanted.

The problem with settling for a partial match is that you don’t feel good enough about the relationship to full invest in it. Some part of you always holds back. The thought of investing may even give you a queasy feeling.

That was me in my first business. I liked many aspects of game development, but I too often felt like I was falling short when it came to contributing, making a difference, and really caring about people as much as I could. There was a certain coldness to the work, and I wanted to invest in more warmth. It was always going to be a partial match for me, so I could never unlock 100% of my desire to invest. Some part of me was always going to have doubts, wondering if maybe I should be doing something else.

My first marriage followed a different trajectory. I did feel very invested in it in the early years, but eventually incompatibilities grew, and it became clear that each of us wanted to invest in different directions. Looking back I do feel good about investing in that relationship while it lasted. I also see that it was best for us to move on when we could no longer truly invest in building a life together going forward.

What I love about my life today is that I feel securely bonded with people and aspects of life with which I’m can really invest long-term.

I can also see where I’m not investing as a sign that I may be dealing with a partial match, in which case the solution isn’t to settle but rather to find a full match where I can really invest.

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How to Commit to a 365-Day Challenge

One way to pick a good 365-day challenge is to think about what would permanently transform your relationship with some aspect of life if you live that one year of your life a bit differently.

Even though you’re just doing some specific action or behavior each day, keeping that up for a full year will change you, often in ways you don’t expect. When you complete even one 365-day challenge, your life will never be the same again. Even if you only do one of these in your entire life, it changes you forever. You won’t be the same person on Day 365 that you were on Day 1. You also won’t be the same person on Day 3650, even if you stopped after 365.

Doing a 365-day exercise challenge in 1997 permanently changed my relationship with exercise. This year’s daily blogging challenge permanently changed my relationship with creative expressiveness and writing from inspiration.

You also gain a lifetime memory that no one can take away from you. If you do anything daily for a year, you’ll always be the person who followed through and didn’t quit. That’s a powerful reference experience you can always lean on in future years. It changes your self-concept.

I’ve only run one marathon in my life, 20 years ago. That one achievement permanently changed my relationship with running, exercise, and my own sense of potential. Every 365-day challenge is at least as transformational.

It takes a pretty strong why to commit to a 365-day challenge and complete it. Knowing that the payoff goes well beyond that year, even if you stop after a year, is good framing to finish the full year. It’s helpful to know that you’ll still be reaping benefits from the exploration 10 years later, 20 years later, and beyond. It’s not just about that one year.

This realization also makes the cost of quitting exceptionally high – too high to even consider once you’ve invested beyond a certain point. One bad decision during one moment of weakness, and you’re killing off decades’ worth of benefits. You’re doling out an extremely harsh punishment on your future self, which is dreadfully cruel – a lifetime of regret, always wondering how your life might be different if only you’d followed through. Even 20 years later, you’ll still look back and regret the moment you quit. So there is no quitting; that just isn’t an option.

I like to frame the challenge in such a way that the pain of quitting is so real to me that there’s no way I’ll ever seriously consider it after I’ve begun – unless I feel that the challenge has become unsafe like there’s a significant health risk from continuing.

I also like to think of a 365-day challenge as a gift to my future self. It’s rooted in compassion, caring, and hopefulness. I want my future self to have an even better life than I do now. I want him to have knowledge and experience that I currently lack. I want him to have amazing memories that I don’t yet possess. I want him to be happier and healthier. I want him to enjoy positive relationships.

This framing goes back 30 years to when I was 19 years old, sitting in jail for a few days after being arrested for a felony. My life was a mess at the time. While I was in that cell, cycling through boredom, fear, and regret, I realized that my future did not have to be like this. I was in that cell because of my past decisions. A long chain of bad decisions going back for about 18 months had led me there. I was just experiencing the consequences of causes that I’d set in motion over an extended period of time. I accepted that I was going to have to deal with the consequences of those old decisions for a while longer and that it wasn’t realistic to expect that I could turn everything around immediately. But I could turn my life around eventually by making different decisions, and that gave me hope.

Regardless of how awful my short-term outlook was, I could always be hopeful about the future if I keep leaning towards decisions that would set up my future self for a better life. So I began making different decisions, starting while in jail, and that really did change my life forever, making each decade better than the one before. I’ve been feeling happier and more appreciative as I age. The alignment between what I want, what I’m capable of, and what I’m experiencing keeps increasing.

The core of a a 365-day challenge is hope. By committing to such a challenge, you are making your hopes and dreams for the future a lot more solid and real. You’re turning hoping into doing, experiencing, enjoying, and appreciation. Always know that when you pick a good 365-day challenge and complete it, you’re going to appreciate that accomplishment for the rest of your life. You’ll be forever grateful to your past self for following through.

Can you tune into this flow of gratitude and appreciation, flowing backwards in time from your future self, streaming into your heart right now? Can you receive the energetic thank you from your future self if you listen for it? Can you also unwrap the please do this within that thank you?

If a 365-day challenge is purely on a mental level, the why isn’t there. Keep working on the framing until it burrows into your timeless soul.

A good challenge chooses me. It courts me. It teases me. It seduces me. Initially I may try to reject it or shake it off, but the idea persists till it persuades me to finally say yes. It takes time for me to fully surrender to the idea. It’s not an immediate yes. It takes a while for all parts of me to get onboard. I may even dance with the idea for years before I finally commit to it.

Before I’m really able to say yes to such a challenge, I reach the point of realizing that I cannot in good conscience say no to it. Another way of stating this is: My heart and spirit always says yes to it before my mind is fully on board. My heart and spirit say, “We have to do this.”

My mind then goes through stages of saying: “No, not this year. It’s too big of a commitment,” then “Maybe there’s a way… those are some nice benefits,” followed by, “Heart and spirit, you guys are evil! Can’t you just let this go? Why does it have to be now?” and finally, “Alright, fuck it! I surrender. I’m in. Let’s do this.”

Technically I’ve already completed my 365-day blogging challenge since I started on December 24, 2019, and 2020 is a 366-day leap year, but I always intended to blog through the end of 2020, and it’s a breezy coast to the December 31st finish line from here.

I’ve never done back-to-back one-year challenges, but I’m going to do that this time with a 365-day raw foods challenge for 2021, starting on January 1st and going through December 31st, 2021. So as one challenge ends, another begins.

This is also in addition to lots of 30-day challenges that I do with other Conscious Growth Club members. We start a new one on the first of each month, each time with a different theme like productivity, fitness, sleep optimization, decluttering, sill building, etc. I don’t do all of those, but I probably do about half of them each year as well.

I remember when I used to see 30-day challenges as a huge deal, like an enormous weight to lift. But once you’ve done a 365-day challenge, the 30 days ones seem so much lighter – no big deal at all.

For 2021 I’m doing a one-year raw foods challenge, meaning that I’m going to make eating raw vegan food my baseline diet for the year. I want to know what it’s like to be a raw foodist for a solid year, experiencing this lifestyle through all four seasons.

I know that my future will be permanently different if I do a one-year deep dive into raw foods. Even if I don’t continue beyond that year, that year will benefit my future self in many other ways. So it’s not a discipline challenge. It’s a gift. The framing of this challenge is rooted in hope and gratitude.

I have less than 4 months left to go in my 40s since I turn 50 in April 2021. My 40s have been the best decade of my life thus far, thanks in large part to personal growth investments made during my 20s and 30s that keep paying dividends (such as going vegan when I was 25 years old and beginning a wonderful relationship with Rachelle when I was 38).

I want the next decade of my life to be my best ever. The setup for this includes planting seeds for better health, relationships, happiness, creative flow, and more while still in my 40s. One of those gifts is to give my future self a cleaner and healthier body and mind who knows what it’s like to be a raw foodist for a solid year. I want my 50s to be the healthiest and most physically, mentally, and emotionally vibrant decade of my life.

I share this much detail, so you can better understand the depth of framing that goes into a 365-day challenge. When you extend the roots of your why deeply enough, you can feel certain that you’re going to finish the year without quitting. And then you can truly experience that year as a gift as you live through it.

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