One of the writers behind Sandie Shaw’s Puppet On A String has given the thumbs up to former Little Mix star Jade Thirlwall’s use of the song on her debut solo single.
Phil Coulter co-wrote the hit with Bill Martin, eventually scoring the UK its first of five wins at the Eurovision Song Contest back in 1967.
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Last week, Jade debuted her new song Angel Of My Dreams, which opens with a distorted version of Puppet On A String, which is then sampled throughout the song.
Reacting to the news, Phil told BBC News NI he was “thrilled” at his song’s inclusion on Jade’s single.
Sandie Shaw performing Puppet On A String in 1967
ullstein bild Dtl. via ullstein bild via Getty Images
“I would love to tell you that I’m on speed dial with Little Mix and all of those hot producers, but in fact I was completely unaware until one of my kids and grandkids told me,” he joked, revealing his family assured him Jade’s song was getting “[good] reviews left, right and centre” and is “going to be the song of the summer”.
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Phil continued: “I made a point of listening to the song. I am delighted and very flattered and flabbergasted and surprised that I am part of this whole operation.”
“It’s very unusual. I have six kids – it didn’t happen too often that they would bask in the glory of their dad having music in the charts, in fact they would have been embarrassed, they would have preferred if I was an accountant,” he admitted.
“At this stage, if this does become the big hit of the summer, I am in grave danger of becoming cool. Secretly they might have been pleased but they didn’t express that too often, so I suppose now at this advanced stage for me to be seen to be trendy and cool, is something that I embrace.”
Puppet On A String was previously sampled by Lily Allen on her hit Alfie.
Puppet On A String co-writers Bill Martin and Phil Coulter
Bob Baker/Redferns
Jade revealed to Audacy last week: “Originally, the chorus [of Angel Of My Dreams] was me singing [Puppet On A String]. And then we re-wrote a chorus to go on top of it.
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“It probably did sound quite different initially, but the kind of chaos of it was always there. We knew that’s what we wanted to do… I wanted it to feel like there was a lot going on.”
She previously claimed she’d been trying to sample Puppet On A String on a track “for years”, and revealed: “In the beginning of our career you do think you are this puppet, but at the same time it isn’t true – we wrote a lot of our songs, and we were behind a lot of what we put out there I resented that as a statement.
“So it felt natural to take that and show that it can be true and untrue at the same time.”
The Official Charts Company revealed on Sunday that Angel Of My Dreams is currently on track to chart at number two in this weeks UK singles chart.
Check out the song for yourself in the video below:
Conservative mayor Lord Houchen called for “civility” in the upcoming Tory leadership contest, shortly after Suella Braverman’s made some eyebrow-raising comments about the party’s direction.
The former home secretary and current backbencher – who is expected to run as Conservative leader – criticised people who lean further to centre over the weekend.
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She told The Telegraph: “If we don’t recover the votes we deliberately, and arrogantly, spurned, we will turn the Conservative Party into the 21st Century version of the 20th Century Liberal Party.
“We can do better than being a collection of fanatical, irrelevant, centrist cranks, who make it our business to insult our should-be voters for not being as smug and self-righteous as we are.”
Asked what he made of these comments on Sky News on Sunday, Houchen said the Tory party leadership should not be based on the past, but the future.
He also there should not be any “blue-on-blue attacks”.
Houchen added: “If we want to spend the next two, three, four, five months fighting with each other that goes to the cause of the election defeat just two weeks ago.
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“And I would implore Suella, as well as every other leadership contender, to conduct this leadership contest with civility. Let’s come together and let’s offer a positive option to the country.”
He said voters “want a party that isn’t going to fight like cats in a sack”, adding that the electorate thought the Tories cared more about “in-fighting and positioning within the Conservative Party and within the government than caring about our country”.
The mayor suggested any future Tory leader needs to rule out working with Reform too, as they are a “symptom not a cause” of the problem.
But Braverman called for a deal with the populist party only a few weeks ago.
Speaking to GB Newsearlier this month, she said there was “only room for one Conservative Party on the right of British politics”.
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The backbencher said: “There’s very little I disagree with when it comes to Nigel Farage and I met thousands of people throughout this campaign, and many, many people said to me, I’m a lifelong Tory voter, but I’m going to vote Reform.”
“They are feeling betrayed. They feel let down. They feel politically homeless because of our failures,” she added.
“So we have to address the issue of Reform. I’m not really interested in the form of what that takes, but we need to find an accommodation with Reform, with Nigel Farage, so that we can take the fight to Labour and win the next election.”
Before the exchequer’s secretary James Murray was elected to parliament, he was the deputy mayor of London under Sadiq Khan.
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He held this role from 2016 to 2019 – meaning he was in office when his boss Khan allowed a six-metre high cartoon baby blimp of the then-US president to float across the capital.
It was part of a wider protest against the divisive politician’s first formal visit to the UK in 2018.
Phillips recalled the famous blimp on his programme this morning, asking Murray: “Do you now wish you hadn’t chosen to insult him in this way?”
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The minister replied: “Look there’s been a lot of history between the mayor and President Trump but what’s important for me is being a minister in the government is that we have a relationship with the US, which is an incredibly strong one, and one that’s in our national interests and good for our national security.”
Phillips hit back: “It’s quite tricky to have a good relationship with somebody when one of your colleague has described him as a neo-Nazi and your former boss called him literally a few weeks, a racist, a sexist and a homophobe.”
“Is that the way diplomacy these days under Labour?” Phillip asked.
Murray said: “In the past there have been comments on all sides of this relationship, but what it’s important for me is the strength of a relationship –”
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Phillips cut him off, saying: “The strength of a relationship with someone who called you a neo-Nazi is not going to be very strong, is it?”
He said the UK-US “transcends any individuals”, and “it’s in our interests in terms of national security and economy” to get along well.
Phillips pushed: “You understand why this is an issue, don’t you?”
He noted that Lammy is now calling Trump’s running mate JD Vance is his friend and that chancellor Rachel Reeves is talking about a trade deal with the US.
He said: “You’re all going to have change your tune aren’t you?”
Murray said Labour have “never” changed their tune in their approach to the US, and that it is up to American voters to choose their president.
A top Tory has been called out for interrupting a cabinet minister and heckling jim from the dispatch box.
Shadow health secretary Victoria Atkins, who is expected to run for the party leadership, had to be rebuked by the deputy speaker for her “abominable” behaviour in the Commons.
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On Friday afternoon, the new environment, food and rural affairs secretary Steve Reed began his first speech as a member of government by talking about the Labour’s plan to “get Britain building again”.
It was part of the parliamentary debate on the King’s Speech.
But, he was interrupted repeatedly by Tories – first by Tory backbencher and former party chair Richard Holden, who stood up to indicate he wanted to speak.
But Reed refused to give way, saying there was not enough time for Holden’s speech and that other “members should have spoken for less time” earlier in the three-hour debate.
Reed then attacked the Conservatives for neglected parts of the country.
The shadow housing, communities and local government secretary, Kemi Badenoch, who is also expected to try out for Tory leader, then attempted to cut in.
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But Reed said: “I am very sorry but there are only three minutes left and I need to cover the points that have been raised. They had their time.”
He resumed by talking about how Labour plans to increase the number of mental health professionals.
Atkins then jumped up and leant across the despatch box while shouting at Reed, seemingly irate.
The deputy speaker Sir Christopher Chope had to shout: “Order. The right honourable member for Louth and Horncastle [Atkins] has behaved abominably.”
According to The Guardian, a spokesperson for Atkins’ office said: “Conservative MPs were trying to get answers about their budgets for farming, flood defences and food security, which the minister ignored.
“She will always stand up fearlessly for farmers and our rural area in Westminster, even if that means a rare admonishment from the Chair.”
Reed wrapped up his speech by reeling off the “Tories’ failure”, calling his opponents “the party of broken dreams”.
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Closing the debate, Reed said: “After 14 years of chaos, there is once again hope for our environment, hope for our countryside and hope for our rural communities. I welcome the king’s speech, I recommend it to this house.”
Over the weekend, clips of this exchange were picked up by other MPs….
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This happened during my first experience of a debate in the chamber. The behaviour of several Conservative MPs was appalling. After the debate, I asked a group of them why they behaved that way. I was accused of rudeness myself for having the temerity to ask. Absolutely shocking. https://t.co/PuS57iyTqI
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Absolutely shocking. https://t.co/PuS57iyTqI— Max Wilkinson MP (@mpmwilko) July 20, 2024\n\n\n","options":{"_hide_media":{"label":"Hide photos, videos, and cards","value":false},"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Max Wilkinson MP on Twitter / 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This happened during my first experience of a debate in the chamber. The behaviour of several Conservative MPs was appalling. After the debate, I asked a group of them why they behaved that way. I was accused of rudeness myself for having the temerity to ask. Absolutely shocking. https://t.co/PuS57iyTqI
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Mark Zuckerberg has praised former President Donald Trump’s reaction to his attempted assassination at a Pennsylvania rally last weekend.
The Meta CEO ― in a recent interview with Bloomberg’s Emily Chang ― recalled seeing the Republican presidential nominee get up after he was shot before pumping his right fist in the air, moments seen in widely-shared photos from the shooting that killed one rally attendee.
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Zuckerberg described the Trump rally scene, which featured an American flag waving in the sky, as “one of the most badass things” he’s seen in his life.
“On some level as an American, it’s like hard to not get kind of emotional about that spirit and that fight, and I think that that’s why a lot of people like the guy,” Zuckerberg said.
The Meta CEO, who once criticised Trump over his executive order on immigration back in 2017, hasn’t endorsed the Republican nominee or President Joe Biden as they look to win a second White House term in November.
“I’ve done some stuff personally in the past, I’m not planning on doing that this time,” said Zuckerberg, who noted that he’s not looking to back a presidential candidate in the election.
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Zuckerberg’s remarks arrive after fellow multi-billionaire and the richest person in the world Elon Muskendorsed Trump following his assassination attempt.
Musk has reportedly pledged to donate $45 million a month to America PAC, a political action committee working to elect Trump.
Zuckerberg, elsewhere in his interview with Chang, claimed users on Meta’s platforms “actually want” to see less political content and they hope to use the sites to “connect with people.”
Meta’s Instagram announced earlier this year that the platform wouldn’t “proactively recommend” political content from accounts users don’t follow.
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“I think you’re going to see our services play less of a role in this election than they have in the past,” Zuckerberg said.
Trump — whose Facebook and Instagram accounts were suspended in the wake of the Jan. 6, 2021 attack before being reinstated last year — has referred to Facebook as the “enemy of the people” and seemingly warned Zuckerberg he’d send him to prison if he were to return to the Oval Office.
Trump, in comments on TikTok, recently told Bloomberg Businessweek that he’s against banning the Chinese-owned platform as “you need competition” before blasting Facebook and Instagram.
“That’s, you know, that’s Zuckerberg,” the former president said.
Biden, too, claimed he’s “never been a big Zuckerberg fan” back in 2020 and referred to the Meta CEO at the time as “a real problem.”
President Joe Biden sent a message on Friday: He’s not going anywhere.
Beset by poor polls, calls from within his own party to step aside and, as of Wednesday, even Covid-19, Biden said he was eager to return to campaigning.
“I look forward to getting back on the campaign trail next week to continue exposing the threat of Donald Trump’s Project 2025 agenda while making the case for my own record and the vision that I have for America: one where we save our democracy, protect our rights and freedoms, and create opportunity for everyone,” Biden said in a campaign statement.
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“The stakes are high, and the choice is clear. Together, we will win.”
The message appeared to be a rebuke to a growing number of rank-and-file Democrats who have said publicly they would like to see him step aside in favour of Vice President Kamala Harris or another Democrat at the top of the party’s presidential ticket.
Speculation had risen ahead of the weekend that Biden may be reconsidering his decision to stay in the race. Axios reported several unspecified “top Democrats” believed the pressure from within the party to step aside would keep rising and persuade Biden “as soon as this weekend” to quit.
That idea was quickly and publicly rejected by the White House.
“Wrong. Keep the faith,” posted White House spokesperson Andrew Bates on social media early on Friday in response to a story that Biden’s family had discussed an exit strategy for him. Bates had similarly described another account of exit preparations as “fan fiction.”
Still, despite the Biden camp’s public steadfastness, defections continued to grow to around 30 Democrats on Capitol Hill. Friday morning saw one of the most significant yet in Representative Zoe Lofgren (Democrat, California), a 15-term congresswoman who was one of Trump’s impeachment trial managers and the highest-ranking Democrat on the House Space, Science and Technology Committee.
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“As I am aware that you have been provided data indicating that you in all likelihood will lose the race for President, I will not go through it again,” Lofgren said in a public letter to Biden.
“Simply put, your candidacy is on a trajectory to lose the White House and potentially impact crucial House and Senate races down ballot. It is for these reasons that I urge you to step aside from our Party’s nomination to allow another Democratic candidate to compete against and beat Donald Trump in the November election.”
As one of the longest-serving Democrats in the House and an ally of former speaker Representative Nancy Pelosi (Democrat, California), Lofgren has the respect of many members of the House Democratic caucus and could be influential in convincing others to publicly join her call.
There was already a small cavalcade of public defections from Biden on Friday morning. Representatives Jared Huffman (Democrat, California), Chuy García (Democrat, Illinois), Marc Veasey (Democrat, Texas) and Mark Pocan (Democrat, Wisconsin) issued a joint statement for Biden to step aside that said he had “lifted up, empowered, and prepared” younger Democratic leaders like Harris for this moment.
Representatives Greg Landsman (Democrat, Ohio) and Sean Casten (Democrat, Illinois) each issued their own statements on Friday calling for Biden to abandon his reelection bid. “There is too much on the line, and we have to be able to make that case to the American people about the change we need and the country we all deserve,” Landsman wrote.
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And on Thursday, The New York Times reported that Representative Jamie Raskin (Democrat, Maryland), another impeachment manager and the top Democrat on the House Oversight and Accountability Committee, had written a letter to Biden earlier in the month to try to persuade him to drop out, comparing him to an effective but tired pitcher late in a tight baseball game.
“There is no shame in taking a well-deserved bow to the overflowing appreciation of the crowd when your arm is tired out, and there is real danger for the team in ignoring the statistics,” he wrote.
Biden also received more bad news in the form of an estimate from noted polling expert Nate Silver. In his newsletter, Silver said Biden was now polling 4 points behind Trump and had hit a new low in Silver’s election forecast model, with only a 26% chance of winning the Electoral College vote.
But even that estimate may be slightly optimistic, according to Silver.
“However, the model is designed to be cautious around party conventions: it’s shaving a little bit off Trump’s numbers and also hedging toward its pre-convention forecast. If Trump sustains these numbers, the forecast will continue to get worse for Biden,” he wrote.
The United Nations’ top court on Friday said Israel is illegally occupying the Palestinian regions it has controlled since 1967 and must end its presence in them — a landmark statement that boosts momentum for a change in Israeli policy.
The court found that Israel is committing major violations of international law, including “de facto annexation” of occupied land and breaking the global prohibition against racial discrimination and apartheid. It concluded that Israel should take steps like evacuating settlers and making reparations to affected Palestinians. It also emphasised Palestinians’ right to self-determination, and said other countries are obliged to cease support for Israel’s occupation and to help end the policy “as rapidly as possible.”
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The advisory opinion from the International Court of Justice covers Israeli practices in the occupied West Bank, in East Jerusalem (which Israel claims as its own territory) and in the Gaza Strip.
The opinion from the panel of 15 judges from around the world, selected by the UN General Assembly, is non-binding and has no immediate consequences.
The ICJ previously issued an opinion in 2004 saying Israel’s construction of a “separation wall” in the West Bank was illegal, yet the wall is still standing 20 years later.
Still, the assessment from the court will likely increase pressure on Israel and its allies, including the US, for progress in resolving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Opponents of the status quo ― in which little movement is occurring toward a settlement, while America and other Western states provide Israel with military and diplomatic support regardless of its treatment of Palestinians ― now have a new basis to say these conditions are illegitimate.
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Meanwhile, the ICJ has found that various ongoing Israeli practices, from demolishing Palestinian homes to imposing “a regime of comprehensive restriction” on Palestinian movement, hinder the chances of Palestinian statehood ― which could bolster the argument that the longer the current situation persists, the less likely peace becomes.
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu boosted that impression in a reaction to the ICJ opinion that rejected any idea of reconsidering the occupation.
“The Jewish people are not occupiers in our own land, neither in our eternal capital Jerusalem nor in the land of our ancestors in Judea and Samaria,” he argued, using a religiously tinged term for the West Bank that is popular among far-right Israelis. “No fraudulent decision from The Hague can distort this historical truth.”
Israel declined to participate in the ICJ’s proceedings around the advisory opinion, though more than 50 other nations did present their views.
“The United Nations’ top court said that other countries are obliged to cease support for Israel’s occupation.”
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On Thursday, Israel’s parliament voted against the eventual establishment of a Palestinian state, backing a resolution that called the prospect “an existential danger to the State of Israel.”
Many members of Israel’s security establishment and supporters of the country abroad argue the opposite: that reaching an agreement is the only way to lower tensions and respect Israel’s stated identity as a Jewish and democratic state.
Experts in international law described Friday’s opinion as more significant and far-reaching than what they had expected from the court.
The court affirmed Palestinian rights in the regions they see as the heart of the future state that they and most countries believe is key to peace.
It also took on Israel’s claim that it no longer has international responsibilities as an “occupying power” in Gaza, despite almost fully controlling access to the territory.
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The Friday opinion directly challenged that claim, arguing: “The court is of the view that Israel’s withdrawal from the Gaza Strip has not entirely released it of its obligations under the law of occupation.”
In another striking move, the court pushed back on an argument from the US that it should not consider Israel’s treatment of Palestinians for fear of jeopardising potential negotiations between the two sides, calling that idea a “matter of conjecture.”
The court did not consider Israel’s actions in its current military operation in Gaza because it crafted its opinion based on a request submitted by the UN General Assembly in December 2022, before that offensive began.
The court’s consideration of the Israeli occupation is separate from the case it is considering between South Africa and Israel, in which the former argues the latter may be committing genocide against Palestinians through its ongoing offensive in the Gaza Strip. The court has said there is a “plausible” risk of genocide, and issued three orders requiring Israel to change its conduct to do more to shield civilians. Those orders, known as provisional measures, are meant to be binding, but Israel has largely maintained the policies the court criticised, such as limits on the provision of aid to Gaza.
The Friday opinion is also distinct from the action that another body, the International Criminal Court, is considering in relation to Israel-Palestine. The ICC’s top prosecutor is seeking arrest warrants against Israel’s prime minister and defence minister and three leaders of the Palestinian militant faction Hamas for alleged war crimes during the October 7 attack and Israel’s military response in Gaza since.
Following a detective as they retrace steps, interview suspects and wander into gruesome crime scenes without even a hint of hand sanitiser. All of that while having a cheeky late night cup of tea? Can’t beat it.
That being said, how accurate are these shows in depicting what actually happens during an investigation? We know that it’s not quite as glossy as it is on screen, but are the important details factual?
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Well, not so much.
Digital Spy spoke with Sophie Harris, a forensic assistant apprentice who revealed that not only is most of it not factual, but for shows like Luther, even the premise is off.
Idris Elba as Luther
BBC Studios
In a lot of crime and detective shows, there is one person fronting the investigation who not only does the paperwork, but gets their hands dirty in the nitty gritty of the crime scenes and is responsible for speaking to witnesses and suspects.
Harris explained that this isn’t quite so straightforward in the real world, saying: “On a lot of crime dramas, they show everything being done by one or two people, but that’s not true. You have a first officer attending the scene who alerts other people about what’s going on.
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“After that, when forensics get involved, you’ll have a forensics scene investigator come, you’ll have crime scene coordinators, you’ll have all sorts of different people attending the scene.”
Another very satisfying plot point in many crime scenes is somebody being identified from a single fingerprint.
Usually, you’ll see one tech whizz sits in front of a screen, who scans the fingerprint and boom — we have our criminal.
Harris said: “On NCIS, I remember, they found a fingerprint and just popped it onto the system and then they got a suspect straight from that.
“But, you’ve got to be able to find a certain amount of characteristics on a fingerprint to be able to compare it to a mark, so it’s not that straightforward.”
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Reality is, as ever, a little more admin-heavy than fiction.
“Everyone’s depressed,” my mother said when I told her about the sick dread and the lead in my legs that made taking a walk seem unbearable. At 32, I was living in the ice-encrusted city of Buffalo, New York, with its many shades of gray, slogging my way through a gloomy English Ph.D. program. The bed was my world, the only place where I could slip into the fleeting death of sleep.
“No, Mom,” I said. “I don’t think everyone is depressed.”
I’d seen evidence of this at a winter street fair: a man wearing a baby in a front holster close to his heart; the baby in a white snowsuit like a winter starfish; the way the man absentmindedly cradled her and kissed the top of her head; the pure blue water of peace in his eyes.
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I knew the man was happy. At that moment, on that day, in that world, it was, for this man, good to be alive.
“They are depressed,” Mom insisted. “They just hide it.”
My mother, a high-strung Irish Bostonian, believed that life troubles should be endured without complaint. She had survived a bitter childhood where her stepfather had visited her room at night, and when she told my grandmother, my grandmother said: “You imagined it.” As an adult, my mother reasoned it was nothing to dwell on.
With me, she was softer. When I was a child and feeling low, she used to pour me some milky tea in a china cup and invite me to tell her my worries. The taste of her love soothed me. But even then, her impulse was to shoo feelings away. Nothing was as bad as it seemed, now was it? When tea time was over, one was meant to get on with one’s life.
“I don’t want to believe that everyone’s depressed,” I said.
“Well, it’s true,” she insisted.
But I shook my head. Hope was an amulet that I gripped to stay alive.
My trouble started in college at the University of Vermont. It came on me like a flu. One minute, I was trudging to classes in the bright snow and conversing easily with friends. The next minute, I was mute in bed in the foetal position. I slept for 20 hours at a time, rising only to ransack my roommate’s store of Cheetos and Ring Dings. My mother was so frightened that she called the dean of my college and demanded that he do something. I was put into counselling.
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The sorrow returned as a low-grade haze of numbness in my 20s. My mother and I were sitting in a car watching a sunset over Lake Champlain. I stared at the streaks of pink and gold as if they were trapped behind a pane of glass.
“I think it must be beautiful,” I said. “But I can’t feel it.”
She sipped her tea from a thermos. “You can choose to feel it,” she said.
When I moved to Buffalo, it followed me. During sunless days of trying to write a dissertation in a drafty apartment, a drumbeat of a voice berated me: You are a loser and have always been a loser. You are so fat, you are hideous. You won’t be able to do it. You will be publicly humiliated if you try.
These thoughts were like little scorpions stinging my mind, and I would fantasise about opening up my skull and placing balm on my brain to soothe the pain. With the lows came brittle highs of tight-wire anxiety — an electrical hum — telling me that something catastrophic was on the verge of happening. Thoughts of death were constant. I considered the options carefully, taking bleak comfort in the planning.
But what about my mother?
“You are my life,” she first told me when I was 3 years old, and she repeated it so often that it became knitted into my consciousness. As an only child, I knew it was my duty to stay alive for her. I was to be the emissary of happiness.
“Maybe it’s our family,” I said to my mom at last. “Maybe just everyone in our family is depressed.”
I had thought about this before. Irish melancholy is romanticised, but in my family, it was a banal truth. Drink was the main antidote. Amid hilarious stories, wit and rowdy fun at weddings, there was a thread of sorrow running through us.
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Each of us sought a cure: drugs, work, food. But not doctors or prescribed medications. Those were taboo — reserved for those locked up in Mattapan, one of the cruel asylums in Massachusetts that got shut down after an explosive documentary on mental institutions in the 1970s.
“Maybe.” My mother finally conceded the thread of darkness in our family.
Because she knew the roads. She knew the deadened agony of hanging the laundry when the black dog was at the door. In the 1960s, she bought a red Karmann Ghia. She used to drive too fast. What was she leaving behind in the rearview mirror? Was it her stepfather? My parents’ disappointing marriage? Her unrealised dreams of being a writer?
“Your problem is you have no problems,” she said when I was in Buffalo and repelled one of her pep talks. I was in a state of anguish, and I could see that she was afraid.
I stopped going to her for help. I sought out a psychiatrist, medication and meditation in my 40s. I was diagnosed as bipolar. This explained the mysterious bouts of euphoria when I’d buy 14 pairs of shoes online and hide them from my boyfriend in the closet. I suddenly understood sleepless periods when I would write all night and be convinced that I was writing the great American novel, but later found the pages rambling and incoherent.
The medication has helped. I started walking to the Brooklyn Botanical Garden every day in spring to watch the flowers bloom — first purple crocuses, then red and yellow tulips, then pink cherry blossoms, and finally the miracle of lilacs.
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I went into recovery for an eating disorder that had plagued me since I was 14. I never spoke of my diagnosis with my mother. I was afraid of her reaction. In the conversation, I imagined, she’d shake her head and say, “Don’t be so dramatic.”
My mental illness is a balancing act that requires constant maintenance. I get good sleep; I walk every day; I reach out to friends; and I’m honest with my doctors. But sometimes I get tired of being vigilant, get out of my routine, and slip back down. It feels so familiar to drape the robes of my depression around me again, and I’ll take to my bed. For years, I kept a store of pills in my drawer — just in case.
One night, over a few glasses of wine, my mother and I relaxed into a state of truth-telling. Once I had stopped treating her as my therapist, our relationship had improved.
“I have one request,” she said slowly.
I had no idea what was coming.
“If you are ever set on doing it — if you have really made your mind up — I’m asking you for one last thing: I want you to call me.”
This was the first time we had spoken of such things in years.
“I know how bad it gets,” she said. “I want you to call me. And if, after we talk, you still want to do it, I won’t try to stop you. It is your life to do with as you choose.”
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We sipped our wine.
At that moment, I felt a flood of relief. She was finally acknowledging that what I was going through — what I had always gone through — was real. By making this request, my mother was putting a phone call between me and death.
With those six words — “I want you to call me” — I felt she was giving me my life back. Worrying about what my death would do to her had often stayed my hand,but I had never developed the desire to live for myself.
This conversation changed me, but it could not change the dynamic of my relationship with my mother completely. I was still afraid to tell her about my diagnosis. I mentioned it in passing one day, and it was met with silence.
My mother still believed in the power of will to chase away bad thoughts. She came from a different generation where emotional struggles were to be borne alone. I had watched her bear the abuse of her childhood in silence. I had watched her muscle through her grief when my father left. And when dementia slowly took her mind, I watched her rage, but never cry. Her way was an idea of strength that would never seek help. Her way was not my way. But she broke the silence between us and spoke of the things we must never speak about. And that saved me. As I learned in my recovery, “We are only as sick as our secrets.”
My mother passed away three years ago. I no longer have a promise to keep. But in its place is a new promise to myself. I cling ferociously to life and sound the alarm whenever that resolve weakens. I learned how to sound the alarm on my own. The ability to be ferocious is something I learned from my mother.
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Julia Anne Miller is a writer in New York City whose writing has appeared in the New York Times, Salon and Smithsonian. She has performed in such storytelling venues as “Stripped Stories” and “Speak Easy.” Her essay “Sharing a Cab and My Toes” was read by Greta Gerwig for the New York Times Modern Love podcast. She is working on a collection of essays entitled “My Life in Cake.” She can be found at https://julia-anne-miller.com.
Help and support:
Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI – this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.
Traveling with another person — be it a friend, relative or romantic partner — has a way of strengthening or straining the relationship. When you have similar travel styles, the trip is generally more likely to go smoothly, bringing you closer together and deepening your bond. When you have differing travel styles, the vacation can become tense and stressful, driving a wedge between you.
So how do you know if your travel styles are aligned or not? We asked travel experts to share some of the telltale signs you might be incompatible in this area and offer advice on what to do about it.
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1. One of you is a planner and the other is more spur-of-the-moment.
When one person loves having a well-thought-out plan and the other would prefer to fly by the seat of their pants, you’re bound to hit some turbulence on the trip.
“If you are someone who likes to have a flexible itinerary and be open to spontaneous changes in plans, while your travel companion prefers a more structured and organised approach, it can lead to resentment and conflict,” travel blogger Sean Lau of The Turkey Traveler told HuffPost.
“You may feel restricted and constrained by their need for a rigid schedule, while they may feel stressed and anxious in an environment that lacks clear plans and direction.”
2. One of you is an early riser and the other likes to sleep in.
Having conflicting sleep schedules can create friction when traveling together. The morning person may get up early, eager to get a head start on the day, while the night owl may want to skip morning activities to log some extra sleep.
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“For instance, if you want to get up early and walk around the city but your companion is hungover from the night before, that could be a problem and a sign of incompatibility,” travel content creator Jen Ruiz, author of “12 Trips In 12 Months,” told HuffPost.
Similarly, when you and your travel partner have different energy levels, it can make it difficult to find a pace for the trip that suits both people, Lau said.
“If one person may want to do a lot of activities while the other may prefer a more relaxed pace, this can lead to disagreements and arguments,” he added.
Charday Penn via Getty Images
“The idea that your romantic partner also needs to be your number one travel buddy is a myth,” says dating coach Damona Hoffman.
3. One of you is an adventure-seeker and the other prefers a leisurely trip.
Travel content creator Sam Cormier, the woman behind the @samanthas_suitcase Instagram account, said one of the most important factors to consider when choosing a travel companion is what you each enjoy doing on a trip. Some people want to pack their days with lots of action and new experiences, while others may be looking for more leisurely activities, for example.
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“Are you an outdoorsy hiker who wants to get out into nature while your travel buddy wants to explore museums? Would you want to shop and sightsee until you drop, while the other person just wants to relax at the spa or by the pool?” she told HuffPost. “This will likely cause tension on what should be a fun vacation because neither of you are doing what you want to do.”
Having different levels of comfort when it comes to physical activity and nature can make it more difficult to find mutually enjoyable activities, Lau said.
4. One of you is a big spender and the other is a saver.
Having different priorities around money can be a major source of conflict when traveling. Issues tend to arise when one person is looking to splurge and have a more luxurious experience and the other person is looking to save a few bucks wherever possible.
“If you want to go to a high-end restaurant and stay in posh hotels while your travel partner wants to microwave something from a local gas station and stay in long-term rentals, one of you is going to be uncomfortable,” Ruiz said.
“Make sure your values around money are similar and that you’re prepared to have a budget and spending range that’s aligned with each other. Otherwise, one person feels stretched and worried about money, and the other can feel restrained in their ability to enjoy the destination how they’d like.”
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What To Do When Your Travel Styles Don’t Align
SimonSkafar via Getty Images
“Planning the trip together so that you both have a say in activities, restaurants and accommodations is key in making sure both sides are heard,” says travel content creator Sam Cormier.
Can you still travel together and have a good trip even if your travel styles are less-than-compatible? Cormier says it’s possible with two key ingredients: open communication and a willingness to compromise.
“Planning the trip together so that you both have a say in activities, restaurants and accommodations is key in making sure both sides are heard,” she said. “If you respect the other’s preferences but also set your own boundaries, you should be able to still have a great trip together.”
If you know (or suspect) that you and your travel partner have different vacation styles, Ruiz said her best advice is to book separate accommodations when you can.
“That way, everyone can retreat to their own space at the end of the day to let tensions defuse,” she said. “I have rented an Airbnb where everyone gets a different room, and that works well. Not always feasible for a hotel, but if possible I’d get separate rooms there, too.”
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And keep in mind it’s totally OK to travel together but do some stuff on your own, too.
“You can also choose to spend some time apart, each doing separate activities, and come together for a specific meal or activity throughout the day that you both want to do,” Ruiz said.
As Lau said, “A trip together is about enjoying each other’s company and creating everlasting memories, but that doesn’t have to be every single minute of the day.”
“A trip together is about enjoying each other’s company and creating everlasting memories, but that doesn’t have to be every single minute of the day.”
– Sean Lau, blogger at The Turkey Traveler
And, of course, it’s OK to choose to travel with certain people less frequently (and in some circumstances, not at all) based on your differing personalities and preferences.
For example, you might feel pressure to always vacation with your spouse because, well, you’re married. But if your travel styles are incompatible, why not also plan some trips with your sister or your college roommate who may like to do things that are more your speed?
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“The idea that your romantic partner also needs to be your number one travel buddy is a myth,” dating coach Damona Hoffman recently told HuffPost. “You probably have other friends with whom you do regular trips or who already like to travel your way. It’s more important to continue to value those friendships and carve out time for those trips than to force your partner to do everything you like to do the way you like to do it.”
No matter who you’re traveling with, clearly voicing your expectations ahead of time “especially around money, time, activities, and accommodations” will “limit surprises on the ground,” said Ruiz. When planning a trip with someone new, it’s a good idea to do a trial day trip with them first before you agree to something longer.
“Can you tolerate three hours in a car with this person before you commit to a cross-country or international flight?” she said. “Is there anything that bothers your partner during travel, like allergies, motion sickness, ear popping issues? This is good information to know because maybe they’ll be irritable or extra sensitive to these things, and that can help explain any shift in mood or behavior.”
