Boundaries Are Fueling A New Wave of Queer Liberation

Posted on 29/11/2025 by Boris Clair

“I feel the most empowered when I say no,” says Venus Cuffs, an alternative lifestyle expert based in New York City. Cuffs, who once worked as a dominatrix, is part of a lineage of Black femmes who have used their positions to reclaim power — a strategy we’ll unspool post haste.

Mistress Velvet, the late Black femme domme who famously made her white clients read bell hooks, understood the same thing: the queer art of sabotage isn’t about tearing things down. It’s about survival in the form of refusal, boundary and redirection.

“Me saying ‘no’ has been met with like, ‘How dare you?’ My refusal to participate is offensive to people,” Cuffs says, recalling the backlash she faced for refusing race play in predominantly white kink communities. Her words point to a familiar script: the demand that Black femmes be endlessly available, compliant or grateful. Her refusal interrupts that script.

For Cuffs, refusal is the point. Rejecting race play meant rejecting the broader cultural script insisting Black women perform whatever role is demanded of them. “Race is nothing to play about,” she says. That refusal was sabotage. But walking away from the scene allowed Cuffs to stay aligned with her integrity.

Cuffs’ “no” became the foundation for something new. Leaving the scene didn’t just protect her; it opened the door to a creative and personal realignment that became political resistance.

“I broke off from the main scene and started my own dungeon,” she recalls. “I decided I don’t need to deal with this, and neither does my community.”

She founded Spread, a 4,000-square-foot Brooklyn dungeon where queer BDSM practitioners could host sessions and hold power dynamics safely. Spread quickly gained traction. The choice to open it was a declaration as much as a business move: fuck you to exclusionary spaces, fuck yes to something better.

“Refusal means refusing to follow the path we have been told to walk when our instincts tell us otherwise,” Madison Young, a filmmaker and sex educator in the Bay Area, tells me. Queer refusal, they say, looks like “refusing to be someone more palatable in an effort to not cause a disruption. Refusing to be risk-averse.”

Where Cuffs and Velvet confront the racialised demands placed on Black femmes, Young’s dissent takes another form. As a white queer filmmaker, their refusals reject industry scripts demanding palatability and compliance. For Young, refusal has meant creating films and performances that defy neat labels — queer family-making, kink, submission — all centred on authenticity. “I think this is the inherent nature of queerness,” they say. “To exist outside of the lines and boxes drawn for us and to instead follow the path our heart, gut, soul are guiding us toward.”

If refusal is saying “no,” sabotage is building “yes.” Queer sabotage refuses harmful systems not simply for resistance, but to open space for something authentically queer and joyful to emerge.

Young does this through filmmaking. On their sets, they hire predominantly women, nonbinary, and trans crew. “It shifts the dynamic on set when it is a room full of women and queers,” they say. “I can choose whose stories I’m elevating, who I’m collaborating with.” These choices build queer community and disrupt industry norms.

For Madison Young, refusal has meant creating films and performances that defy neat labels — queer family-making, kink, submission — all centered on authenticity.

For Tracy Quan, a former escort and author of Diary of a Manhattan Call Girl, sabotage operates more subtly. “I viewed my novels more as a kind of entryism,” she says. Quan smuggles radical ideas into mainstream publishing by infiltrating oppressive spaces from within.

She points to Nancy Mitford, the British novelist who wove antifascist politics into frothy social comedies. “She was a serious antifascist who made the British government pay attention to her fascist sister,” Quan says. “She wrote witty novels that looked fluffy but carried sharp politics.” For Quan, writing sexy books that secrete away radical ideas felt like inserting feminist critique into commercial publishing.

If refusal protects integrity, sabotage extends it. Refusal shuts the door on the status quo. Sabotage opens a new one and creates conditions for a new yes, a yes rooted in creativity rather than compliance.

While Cuffs and Velvet resist the racialized demands placed on Black femmes, Young’s yes shows up in the work itself. “My heart tells me to make a feature film or a TV series or start a queer art gallery, and I just can’t do anything else,” they say. “The calling is strong and defies all logic.”

Early in Young’s career, the call sounded like chaos. “Any time I would even attempt to plug into the matrix, I would sabotage the situation. I just couldn’t do it,” Young explains. What looked like self-destruction was queer self-preservation: an inability to do “normal” — not for money, not for fame.

For Quan, sabotage also meant restraint. For decades, she withheld certain details of her personal life as a deliberate constraint. Instead of confession, she leaned into omission. That discipline, she explains, sharpened her craft. “When you have limits, when you have this denial kind of situation, it can really force you to be more creative,” she told me. What others see as a restriction, she frames as power.

Creating our own boundaries is one of the ways we carve out space for queer joy in a world determined to tell us which boundaries we are allowed to have. “When we state a boundary and work with refusal, we are making room for what we want more of,” Young says.

A no to the wrong collaborator opens a yes to the right one. Setting limits is a prophylactic. “We can protect our collective joy, our queer joy, our relationships, and our connections by being clear about our expectations and needs,” Young says.

Quan echoes that sentiment, describing constraints as creative pleasure rather than deprivation. “To me, creativity is a kind of power, like that’s the kind of power that I enjoy,” she says. For her, withholding shapes a more authentic vision.

Cuffs locates joy in boundaries even more explicitly — in reclaiming time, body, and power. Saying no, walking away from money, setting terms that feel good — each is a reclamation. “I don’t have to show up for anyone when I can’t show up for myself,” she says.

In a political moment defined by rampant transphobia, book bans targeting queer literature, legislative attacks on bodily autonomy, and the ongoing criminalization of sex work, boundaries and refusals are not just private choices. They are collective, political strategies. Our joy is political.

Mistress Velvet knew this when she turned her domme sessions into lesson plans, insisting white submissives grapple with Black feminist thought to earn her attention. Cuffs, Young and Quan know it when they walk away from exploitation, infiltrate hostile industries, or reshape the spaces they inhabit. Sabotage isn’t nihilism. It’s survival. It’s creativity. It’s care.

Cuffs leaves us with a reminder: “Do what feels right for you. Don’t be influenced by the amount of money, the amount of power, what other people tell you it should look like. Slavery is over.”

Why You Sometimes Feel Sad After Sex, Even When It’s Good Sex

Posted on 22/11/2025 by Boris Clair

When he was in his early 20s, Los Angeles-based writer Brandon G. Alexander often felt an inexplicable sadness after sex, even when it was “good” sex with people he liked.

“The best way to describe the feeling is empty or sometimes shame, depending on my relationship and intention with the person,” the 30-year-old founder of the men’s lifestyle site New Age Gents told HuffPost.

“Our culture teaches men how to be physically connected to someone, but we ignore the truth that sex is highly emotional and spiritual. The idea that a man wouldn’t feel something before, during or after sex is unrealistic, but most have become so conditioned to think otherwise.”

What Alexander experienced years ago is what researchers call “post-coital dysphoria.” PCD, as they refer to it, is a condition marked by feelings of agitation, melancholy, anxiety or sadness after intercourse, even when it’s good, consensual sex. The condition can last between five minutes and two hours.

It’s also called “post-coital tristesse,” which literally means “sadness” in French. In the 17th century, philosopher Baruch Spinoza summed it up this way: Once the “enjoyment of sensual pleasure is past, the greatest sadness follows.”

Many studies have examined the first three phases of the human sexual response cycle (excitement, plateau, orgasm), but the resolution phase has often been overlooked.

That’s starting to change, though. In a 2015 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, almost half of the women surveyed reported experiencing PCD at some point in their lives, and around 5 percent said they’d felt it regularly within the past month.

A new study from the same researchers published in June suggests that PCD is almost just as prevalent in men: In an online survey of 1,208 male participants, around 40 percent of men said they’d experienced PCD in their lifetime, and 4 percent said it was a regular occurrence.

In excerpts from the survey, men admit to feeling a “strong sense of self-loathing” about themselves post-sex and “a lot of shame.” Others say they’d experienced “crying fits and full on depressive episodes” after sex that sometimes left their significant others worried.

“Men who may suffer from PCD think that they are the only person in the world with this experience, but they should recognize that there’s a diversity of experiences in the resolution phase of sex.”

– Robert Schweitzer, a psychology professor at Queensland University of Technology in Australia.

Despite the number of men who reported experiencing PCD, it’s challenging for researchers to study it because most men are reluctant to talk about it, said Robert Schweitzer, the lead author on both studies and a psychology professor at Queensland University of Technology in Australia.

“Men who may suffer from PCD think that they are the only person in the world with this experience, but they should recognise that there’s a diversity of experiences in the resolution phase of sex,” he told HuffPost.

“As with many diagnoses, it provides some relief to be able to name the phenomenon.” (Schweitzer is still collecting accounts of people with PCD for his ongoing research.)

As to why it’s so common in both men and women, a study of twins suggested that genetics may play some sort of role. PCD is also often linked with sexual abuse, trauma and sexual dysfunction, but that’s certainly not always the case; in this latest study, the majority of the men who reported PCD hadn’t experienced those issues and were in otherwise healthy, satisfying relationships.

More often than not, Schweitzer thinks PCD is a culmination of both physical and psychological factors. Physically, orgasms activate a flood of endorphins and other feel-good hormones, but the neurochemical prolactin follows, resulting in a sometimes intense comedown. Psychologically, the paper establishes a correlation between the frequency of PCD and “high psychological distress” in other aspects of a person’s life.

Sometimes, the psychological factors are compounded by the knowledge that no emotional connection exists with a sexual partner, said Kimberly Resnick Anderson, a Los Angeles-based sex therapist unaffiliated with the study.

“Some of my clients, especially males with sex addictions, report post-coital dysphoria because deep down, they know there is no bond between them and the person they are sleeping with,” she told HuffPost.

Other times, patients worry that their partners just weren’t that into the sex.

“If you believe your partner was just ‘taking one for the team’ and not genuinely interested in sex, it can lead to a sense of shame and guilt,” Resnick Anderson added.

What’s important to remember, she said, is that sex can mean different things at different stages of your life. And as these recent studies show, nuanced, complicated post-coital feelings are completely natural.

“We need to have more conversations about men and intimacy. The more we tell guys it’s OK to feel ― or protect your heart by waiting to sleep with someone sometimes ― the more we’ll change the old ideas around men and sex.”

– Brandon G. Alexander, lifestyle writer

There may be ways to curtail the negative feelings, too: For starters, stick around rather than high-tailing it out the door after a hookup session – or if you’re in a relationship, cuddle instead of heading to the living room to watch Netflix.

A 2012 study on the resolution phase of sex showed that couples who engage in pillow talk, kissing and cuddling after intercourse report greater sexual and relationship satisfaction.

And be honest about your emotions after sex, without assigning blame to yourself or your partner. As the growing research shows, men and women feel a full spectrum of emotions after sex, and that’s perfectly normal.

That’s something that Alexander, the writer who experienced PCD often in his 20s, had to learn on his own as he approached his 30s.

“As a guy, you shouldn’t numb out or try to deal with PCD in silence,” he said. “We need to have more conversations about men and intimacy. The more we tell guys it’s OK to feel – or protect your heart by waiting to sleep with someone sometimes – the more we’ll change the old ideas around men and sex.”

I’m Mortified By My Dad’s New Relationship. I’m Afraid To Tell Him The Truth.

Posted on 05/10/2025 by Boris Clair

Family Beef is our family advice column at HuffPost Family. Have a beef you want us to weigh in on? Submit it here.

Dear Family Beef,

My Dad’s (58) new girlfriend (28) is only two years older than me (F26). I want him to be happy but I can’t get over how creepy it is that she was in elementary school the same time I was, that she was still in diapers when he was changing mine. It’s just weird. He has had other girlfriends since divorcing my mom, but they were all in their 40s and 50s and felt more age appropriate. So I’ve never had a bad reaction like this.

He keeps asking me and my boyfriend to go to dinner with them and making comments about how we’ll “get along so well” and I keep finding excuses to avoid it. I find the whole thing embarrassing and don’t want other people in my life to see and judge him as a creepy old cradle robber..

Is this something I should talk to him about or ignore until it hopefully goes away?

— I Don’t Want A Sister Step Mom

Dear Sister Step,

Oh, you’re absolutely allowed to be weirded out. Validating the weird-out here. That’s not to say that their relationship itself is weird, though.

This is one of those situations where what you feel matters, but not nearly as much as what the two adults in a relationship feel about each other. But your ambivalence isn’t uncommon or necessarily irrational either. Two things can be true!

These days, so-called “age-gap” relationships get a lot of flak because, as you allude to in your letter, there’s a lot of judgment floating around. There are situations where the older partner may have more obvious power or sway over the younger partner (emotionally, financially, etc.), and the cartoonish stereotypes of older individuals perpetually chasing youth or younger people looking for a “sugar parent” to spoil them. These dynamics can happen and can be frustrating to watch from the sidelines — but, ultimately, it’s up to those two adults to decide what kind of relationship they want to be in and how they are with one another.

“An adult child has come to understand power dynamics and is used to a level of separation with their parents’ generation,” sexologist and couples clinician Dr. Lexx Brown-James, told HuffPost. “So having a parent dating someone of similar age can feel discomforting because we make the connection that a parent could be dating one of our friends or someone that we could even date.”

To me, it’s not a bad idea to take a little space while you figure out why you feel the way you do. Talk with some trusted neutral parties (friends! your partner! a therapist!) before engaging with your dad and this partner. You might need to purge the “WTF” feelings in a safe, non-toxic way. And that gives you a better chance at responding to the situation you’re actually in rather than just reacting to the scariest stories you’ve been telling yourself about the situation.

“Not meeting a parent partner first off is absolutely a worthwhile strategy and there are a few considerations,” Brown-James notes. “In the ’Ber months of the year, is this person coming to family functions especially? Also, is your parent being safe? There can be questions around health, technology, and other factors that some times elder generations are less savvy with, how much do you as the child want to be involved? Also, know that choosing not to meet the partner, may create some resentment or hurt in your parental relationship. That can cause grief for both of you.”

Avoiding the conversation entirely, though? That won’t be beneficial to any of these relationships. Sure, you may “luck out” and this relationship could go just a few weeks or months before fizzling out – but the T. rex method of “stand still until the scary, uncomfortable or awkward thing is gone” really isn’t ever as effective as we’d want it to be.

But, Brown-James does note that you might want to consider a few things before you initiate a conversation.

“Consider what your parent is looking for in bringing this to you. Are they looking for permission, are they just sharing, are they wanting feedback, are they wanting you to participate in a family structure? Once intentions are set, you can decide your boundaries and share them,” Brown-James said. “In less safe relationships, where maybe there is more expectation on a child to confirm or agree, there might need to be a further distance.”

Elizabeth DeVaughn, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship specialist, also adds that playing through the pain of this discomfort and having the conversation can serve to deepen your parent-adult child relationship in the long run.

“The discomfort she’s feeling could be a beautiful opportunity to connect with her dad authentically. She can name the discomfort she’s feeling while also expressing that she’s working through the details of the discomfort with a therapist or with friends,” DeVaughn said. “This way, she gives herself space to process while staying open to the fact that her dad may be building a great relationship with this new woman.”

I know I would be so morbidly curious enough to want to witness the pair together myself, to really understand if they have something special or if the May-December situation is actually as cartoonish as my nightmares. Some of these dynamics are actually just normal couples who make each other happy. But you won’t know what their situation actually is if you keep them at arm’s length and, if it is as bad as you fear, you can be an informed observer.

Now, if you do decide to power through the discomfort and have dinner with them, here are a few other ways to make that process a little bit easier on you:

Practice some radical acceptance

Ultimately, your dad is an autonomous person as is his 28-year-old GF. Whatever ride they are on together is theirs — and whether or not there’s a lasting love there (or if the age difference gets in the way) is something they need to find out for themselves.

So this is where you have to pull out the “radical acceptance” that therapists are always going on about: You’re not in their relationship, and you can’t make the call on what is “right” for them.

“Radical acceptance means acknowledging reality, rather than resisting the relationship,” Dr. Greg Gomez, Clinical Director at The Oasis Rehab in California “In this situation, it is recognising that the parent has chosen to remain in the relationship regardless of the age gap. This is beyond the child’s control.”

You can, however, have boundaries. You don’t need to want to hang out with him and his partner at this stage in their dating life. You can respectfully side-step the hangs for a bit longer until you get a sense of how lasting this relationship might be.

You can also use some of these tried-and-true strategies for first meetings to make this less of a “Four Seasons” eye-roll situation and more of a “short getting-to-know-you chat with a new person” situation:

Bring a buddy! Having your partner there with you or a trusted friend along as your wing-person could also be a helpful buffer to bring down the temperature of this meeting in your head.
Humanise the new girlfriend. Even if you don’t want to talk about your discomfort just yet, you can ask your dad to tell you more about this partner as a human being. What are her hobbies? What did they do on their first date? These little details can help humanise his new partner and help you connect. This keeps her from becoming a boogeyman in your head.
Build-in a hard out. The best part of going anywhere is leaving. Make a plan with a clear end time so you do not feel like you’re trapped. (I love a “let’s get lunch at 1, but we have to leave by 3.”) It sets expectations and offers you a little bit of a light at the end of the social interaction tunnel.

Try to be ‘happy for their happy’

A term that comes up a lot in non-monogamous and poly circles that might be helpful for you? Compersion. This means that you’re able to be happy for the happiness that you can feel over someone else’s happiness. (The Buddhist term “mudita,” or a sympathetic joy, is similar as well).

It’s a really lovely idea that can benefit all of your relationships when you put it into practice: You don’t need to love or cheer on every decision your loved one makes, but you can look to see if they are happy in this relationship — and try to access the part of you that is genuinely thrilled for that happiness.

“Radical acceptance can be hard,” Brown-James said. “Here is where compersion comes into play. Can you be happy for your parent’s happy? Isn’t that what really matters most?”

You said it yourself: You want your dad to be happy — and this relationship, even if you don’t understand it, might just be something that makes him feel that way.

Advice From Our Readers

Some of our Platinum HuffPosters offered up their own advice on this question. Here’s what they had to say:

“Let Dad have his fling.”

“I would say let the Dad have his fling.The longer she ignores him the more attractive the younger woman will seem to him. Maybe she should meet her & try to see what it is that he sees in her. It can’t hurt to try [and] it would make her Dad happy. Life is too short for this kind of drama.”

—Sue McCarthy

“Give Dad grace.”

“Did Dad ask for your opinion on his dating life? You want him to be happy, but you want him to make you happy, as well? Grow up. You’re not a child any longer and Dad’s a grown man. It’s not his job to make you happy, he doesn’t need to run his life according to your comfort level. Your entire complaint is about you, not Dad. You’re worried about being embarrassed for whom? Yourself? Dad doesn’t seem to be worried. Stop whining and judging and give Dad grace. If he’s happy, the problem is you, not him. Don’t run away and pout, have an honest conversation with Dad, share your feelings with love and compassion, keeping in mind that you do not have the right to define happiness for another person even if that person raised you and loves you. This lady may or may not be a temporary relationship for Dad, but the damage you’re doing to your own relationship with him may not be easily healed. The biggest question for you: is your selfishness really worth the price you might pay?

— Respectfully submitted for your consideration by Lynne M, a 74 year old woman with wisdom that’s come at a price.

“Speak with him.”

“As long as your dad dates this person, the issue will not go away. You should definitely speak with him. Hearing from you on how uncomfortable dinner would make you is respectful and necessary.”

— MADDEN

7 Sneaky Signs Of Resentment In Relationships

Posted on 20/09/2025 by Boris Clair

Over the course of a relationship, you’ll likely encounter complex and difficult emotions, from jealousy to grief to shame. All sorts of feelings can test a couple’s bond, but one of the more stealth yet destructive emotions is resentment.

“Resentment in a relationship can be toxic and harmful if left unaddressed,” Damona Hoffman, host of The Dates & Mates Podcast, told HuffPost. “It often builds up over time when one or both partners feel hurt, ignored or misunderstood.”

Often in relationships, there’s resentment around unequal division of labor or feeling unappreciated.

“It can begin to occur due to imbalances in your relationship, such as one partner carrying more of the mental load, whether it’s pressure to manage parenting, financial or domestic responsibilities,” said Samantha Burns, a couples therapist and relationship coach.

Resentment can manifest in subtle ways that aren’t always super apparent to your partner – or even to yourself. HuffPost asked Hoffman, Burns and other experts to share some of the sneaky signs of resentment in relationships.

Changes in communication

“Pay attention to shifts in communication and in how you express yourselves and react to one another,” said Tracy Ross, a licensed clinical social worker specialising in couples and family therapy. “Is there more sarcasm, more edginess or a negative tone?”

Take a look at what might be happening beneath the surface if you detect changes in the tone, frequency or style of your communication with your partner.

“Signs of resentment can be insidious and small verbal and nonverbal behaviours, such eye-rolling, sighing, criticising, a general lack of respect or value for your partner’s opinions or actions, and invalidation that overtime builds up and overtakes many of your interactions,” Burns said.

Passive-aggressive comments, subtle digs, scoffing and belittling what the other person says can all point to resentment. There could be a sense of moodiness or short closed-end statements that cut off actual conversation as well.

Keeping score

“Partners harbouring resentment may start keeping track of each other’s mistakes or past wrongdoings, using them as ammunition in future conflicts,” Hoffman said.

Sometimes this score-keeping is unspoken, while in other situations it might be more explicitly expressed.

“Someone might be bringing up past grievances frequently, focusing on tit-for-tat,” said Mabel Yiu, a marriage and family therapist and founding director of Women’s Therapy Institute.

There might also be a sense of tracking who is contributing more to keeping things running smoothly or working harder.

“You might feel as if you constantly have to sacrifice your own wants and needs,” said April Henry, a licensed marriage and family therapy associate at Millennial Life Counseling. “You lack empathy for them or their excuses.”

Avoiding spending time together

“It’s healthy for couples to have their own interests and friends they see separately, but if one or both partners seem to be finding excuses to avoid another or get out of spending solo time together, that’s a big red flag,” Hoffman said.

Ask yourself if you’re feeling withdrawn or emotionally disconnected from your partner. Maybe you aren’t interacting as much as you used to.

“Are you avoiding certain conversations or spending time together? Are you making excuses for being less available?” Ross said.

Criticism and blame

“According to Dr. John Gottman, criticism is one of the biggest signs of trouble in a relationship,” Hoffman explained.

Indeed, his “four horsemen” of a relationship apocalypse are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

“Are you feeling more critical of your partner’s family, close friends, work situation – and do you find yourself judging, complaining or nitpicking – or vice versa?” Ross asked. “Do you find yourself feeling superior – ‘what is wrong with him/her? I would never do something like that.’ Do you feel contemptuous instead of mildly annoyed when your partner is late, or doesn’t clean up, or any number of small things?”

Take note if the way you deal with conflict and differences has shifted to a more critical approach.

“Another sign of resentment is blaming – making the other person the scapegoat for their unhappiness,” Yiu said.

Complaining behind their back

In addition to frequently nitpicking or complaining to your partner about things they do, a sign of resentment might involve how you talk about your partner to other people.

“Do you find yourself complaining behind your partner’s back, assuming the worst instead of the best of a particular miscommunication or conflict?” Ross said.

A little venting to your friends here and there is fine, but pay attention if it starts to feel excessive. Are you only talking about your partner as though they’re a terrible person?

“Oftentimes when someone is resentful in a relationship, they may have less empathy for their partner,” said Rachel Needle, a licensed psychologist and co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes.

Resentment has a tendency to bubble to the surface in one way or another.

Emotional outbursts or coldness

“Resentment is clever in the way it masks itself as anger,” Henry said. “You may think you’re upset with your partner for not unloading the dishwasher, but soon realize the gradual build-up of unmet expectations has actually turned to resentment. Resentment may have crept its way into your relationship if you find yourself in a continuous loop of feeling increasingly irritable around them.”

Resentment can manifest in emotional outbursts or cold behaviour as those pent-up feelings are released. Resist the urge to boil these deeper issues down to pure anger or sadness.

“You may find an increase of conflict about small things that always seem to come back to a larger past issue, feelings of disgust and disdain and feelings of overwhelm and high stress,” said Alysha Jeney, a relationship therapist and founder of Modern Love Counselling.

“Oftentimes resentment is a reaction of being overly stressed – being in the fight, flight or freeze part of our nervous system – for an extended period of time and not knowing how to come back to the parasympathetic nervous system of rest and digest. We feel exhausted, stressed and need help, but sometimes don’t know how to get it.”

This can make us more easily angered or annoyed by our partners. We may even villainise them because we don’t feel seen, heard or supported, which could activate inner wounds from our past.

“You might begin to assume that your partner is intentionally trying to anger, annoy or upset you, instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt – which leads to you interacting defensively and perpetuating the negative dynamic,” Burns said.

A change in intimacy

“Resentment can affect physical and emotional intimacy, causing a decline in affection, sex, and emotional connection,” Hoffman said. “I find that couples who get to the point of resentment have actually had a slowing or lack of intimacy for months or even years.”

One or both of you might pull away both emotionally and physically and show less interest in intimacy.

“Ask, are you less interested in sex, affection, being close?” Ross said. “And of course all of this can be true in the reverse as well. Maybe you notice what you’re getting from your partner doesn’t feel quite the same – less tolerance, more distance, less connecting, less prioritising one another.”

Whether you’re experiencing a sense of physical and emotional distance, increased criticism or a temptation to keep score, just remember that resentment does not have to mean the end of a relationship.

“If you detect resentment in your relationship, talk about it as soon as possible,” Needle urged. “As soon as you sense an issue, communicate about it rather than let something fester or an issue go unresolved.”

In addition to fostering healthy communication, she recommended working on forgiveness, gratitude, compassion and finding a middle ground to deal with resentment. If resentment continues to affect your relationship, seek the help of a mental health professional.

A UK Boomer, Gen X, Millenial and Gen Z Man On Sex In 2025

Posted on 03/08/2025 by Boris Clair

Salt–N–Pepa might have famously sung the words ‘Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby’, but let’s face it, talking about our bedroom antics isn’t always comfortable, especially when it comes to sharing the nitty gritty details of what you like, how much you’re having and – scariest of all – your feelings about it.

Fortunately in 2025 conversations around sex have become so much more commonplace thanks to an ever-changing cultural shift that champions emotional openness, but according to new data, men are being left behind.

A survey on over 2,000 UK adults from Lovehoney, the UK’s leading sexual wellness brand, has uncovered the deep emotional disconnects around sex, intimacy and identity that the men of the UK are struggling with.

According to the stats, 40% of men worry about their sexual performance (compared to just 21% of women) and many still avoid honest conversations with their partner.

In fact, 10% of men want to talk more openly about sex with their partner, but don’t – that’s equivalent to over 2.25 million male adults.

And worries about sex is an intergenerational issue when it comes to men – the survey found that 79% of men have worries about sex, increasing to 86% of Gen Z men and 87% of Millennial men.

“It’s a finding that speaks volumes about modern masculinity,” GP and men’s health expert, Dr Anand Patel, who has teamed up with Lovehoney, tells us.

“We’re living through a time when men are under pressure to be everything at once; emotionally open, sexually confident, but still somehow ‘in control’. The result? Performance anxiety, miscommunication, and in some cases, total disconnect.”

So what do the men of the UK actually think about sex in 2025? And as the data has found generational differences when it comes to worries about sex, what are Boomers feeling versus fresh-faced Gen Zers?

Enter Gideon, Kian, Gill and Keith – a Gen Z, a Millenial, a Gen X and a Boomer who’ve shared their lived experiences of sex, dating, and identity in a bid to shatter stereotypes and give voice to real, often-overlooked male perspectives.

Here are their stories.

“It’s magic, not a miracle”: Gideon, 27, Gen Z

From a young age, Gideon Allen knew he was different.

“I just felt this spark within me,” he remembers. “I grew up obsessed with crystals and mermaids. It spoke to something in me.”

Now 27, Gideon is a gay actor and part-time witch living in Liverpool – a man who blends mysticism, kink and a no-BS approach to dating in equal measure.

“People ask me why I don’t magic up a boyfriend,” he laughs. “But it’s magic, not a miracle. You can only do so much.”

Despite his openness around kink and communication, Gideon is single and, frankly, unimpressed.

“People tend to over-promise and under-deliver in bed,” he says. “A lot of men brag about their sexual achievements – if you want to call it that – but when it actually comes down to getting dirty, they’re lacklustre. All bark and no bite.”

As a gay man, Gideon is also tired of being used as someone else’s experiment.

“One of my biggest gripes is straight-identifying men who flirt or make suggestive moves, then brush it off as a joke. It’s not flattering. It’s exhausting,” he says. “I become their secret, a way to explore without being seen. That secrecy isn’t just isolating, it’s emotionally draining.”

Gideon typically waits three days before sleeping with someone. Not because of prudishness, but because he believes intimacy should be intentional.

“In the gay community, there’s often pressure for immediate gratification. But I think a little waiting creates trust. It helps me feel emotionally and physically safe.”

While Gideon doesn’t claim to practice black magic, he admits some spells aren’t exactly squeaky clean.

“I have voodoo dolls in my lair, but I don’t stick pins in them,” he says, mischievously. “Let’s just say…people who cross me tend to have things go wrong. They fall down the stairs, lose a job, hairlines recede. Was it me? Who knows. But I like to think it was.”

Right now, though, the love life is on pause.

“Honestly, it feels like most men don’t know what they’re doing – emotionally, sexually or communicatively. Maybe it’s the ginger in me. We do have a higher pain threshold, after all.”

“People assume I’m a player – but I’m just honest about sex and what I want”: Kian, 29, Millennial

Kian’s not the type to play games. Despite being regularly labelled a player by women who make snap judgements based on his looks and style, he’s upfront about what he wants, both emotionally and sexually.

“I dress well and I get attention,” he says. “But I’m very introverted. I like to keep to myself. I’m not the guy who walks up to women in bars with cheesy lines. I just like a real conversation – if it flows, it flows.”

Right now, Kian’s happily single. He hasn’t been in a relationship for four years, his longest was at 18 and lasted four years and he’s not in any rush to settle down.

Instead, he’s enjoying the freedom of a no-commitment relationship.

“We’re friends first. Sometimes we’re intimate, sometimes we just watch a movie. There’s no pressure,” he explains.

“In regards to body counts I don’t tell anyone by number.

“Men will tell their friends the real number, but not women – because girls do judge. If the number’s too low, they think you’re inexperienced. If it’s too high, they think you’ve been around. Either way, you can’t win.”

When it comes to sex, Kian wants to make every woman feel attractive, no matter what.

“I’ve met women who are confident about their bodies, and others who are body shy and want to keep their top on during sex. I don’t judge. I’ll always tell them they’re attractive – inside and out. I want them to feel good. You are your own person. That’s what matters.”

Kian’s mum is one of his closest confidantes. “She gives the best advice – always honest, never judges me. I tell her everything. She just wants me to be happy and settled. That makes a huge difference.”

His dad passed away five years ago, and among his six siblings, some are in long-term relationships, while others are doing their own thing and in no hurry.

Whether it’s sex, commitment, or trust, Kian believes open communication is the key to everything.

“If a woman’s been hurt in the past, it can take a while for her to trust. But I’d rather we talked about it. That’s how relationships grow, rather than pretending everything’s fine.”

“We’re not monkeys in a zoo”: Gil, 46, Gen X

46-year-old Gil is sexually active, happily single, and refreshingly open about everything from erectile dysfunction to his experiences with sex work. However, the modern LGBTQ+ landscape looks very different from the one he grew up in.

And not all of the changes are positive.

For Gil, one of the biggest issues is how formerly gay-only spaces are now being “monopolised and misappropriated.”

“You get women who act completely normal in a straight bar,” he explains, “but they come to a queer bar, get their boobs out, dance up against you, and tell you: ‘I love gay men because they leave me alone.’

“I came here to be with other gay men, not to take selfies with straight women grinding against me. We’re not monkeys in a zoo.”

The same goes for Pride. Gil is blunt: “If you think Pride is just a party, I’m sorry –you’re not really welcome.

“London Pride is now super overcrowded. Half the people there are straight. I get it – be an ally. But understand why we have Pride. It started as a protest. People fought for our rights. That meaning has been lost.”

Gil is refreshingly candid about getting older and how that affects his sex life.

“I’m less active than I used to be – and that’s okay,” he shrugs. “Sometimes I rely on the little blue pill. Brewer’s droop is real, especially after a few drinks. That’s part of ageing. It doesn’t bother me.”

One topic Gil’s particularly passionate about is HIV education.

“I want people to understand that ‘undetectable’ means untransmittable. If someone is HIV positive but undetectable, they can’t pass it on. I’ve had safe sex with men who are undetectable and been absolutely fine.”

He credits organisations like 56 Dean Street and the Terrence Higgins Trust for their life-changing work: “There’s no excuse for outdated prejudice in 2025.”

Above all, Gil believes openness in relationships is key.

“I’ve always been an open book. And I think when you’re honest about sex, ageing, and insecurities, it helps others feel they can be too.

“There used to be so many taboos, but people are more open now and that’s a good thing. We’ve got to keep the conversations going.”

“You don’t stop having sex at 70 – but you do have to talk about it more”: Keith, 70, Boomer

Boomers aren’t exactly known for their sexual openness – they’re the generation where what happens behind closed doors, stays behind closed doors. But Keith is done with that stereotype.

The 70-year-old part-time actor and retired teacher from Hastings has been married to Heather, 61, for 25 years. He credits their lasting relationship to one thing – open communication, even when it’s uncomfortable.

From erectile dysfunction and dwindling libidos to keeping things spicy in their autumn years, Keith and Heather talk about it all.

“Men don’t talk about sex,” says Keith. “At least not properly. If they do, it’s all pub banter. We’re afraid of appearing vulnerable. You don’t want people to think you’re less than.”

It’s an attitude Keith has tried to challenge in his own marriage. When he noticed their sex life drying up, he didn’t brush it under the carpet – he brought it up.

“At first, the lack of sex caused tension. It became: ‘Not another headache.’ I started to feel rejected. I thought, ‘Just say you don’t fancy me anymore.’”

He soon realised it wasn’t personal. It was biological. Their once-great sex life had been sideswiped by the triple whammy of menopause, hormonal changes, and erectile dysfunction.

“I didn’t go to the doctor, I used to teach biology, so I knew it was the blood pressure meds. And I figured I’d rather be alive than take something that messed with that.

“Sexual intimacy doesn’t have to mean going all the way. There’s still a sense of grief, sure. But there are still things you can do for each other that feel good. You adapt.”

Keith also wants more couples to understand the biology of desire – and how changes in sex drive don’t have to spell disaster.

“So many relationships end because one partner thinks the other’s not interested anymore. But hormones change, especially for women. It’s not rejection – it’s just biology.

“You’ve got to talk. Talk when it’s not right. Talk when it is. If sex stops, it doesn’t mean the love has.”

His final piece of advice to younger generations?

“Talk to each other. Don’t be afraid to talk when things aren’t working – or when they are. Enjoy sex. Communicate. And never feel ashamed of it.”

You’re Not Being Ghosted. You’re Just Addicted To ‘The Ping’

Posted on 03/08/2025 by Boris Clair

No one likes being ghosted. But what if you’re not actually being ghosted? What if the other person is genuinely just…busy? But someone being busy and feeling ghosted can often feel like the same thing when dating in a culture that expects instant responses.

As Monica Berg, relationship expert and author of “Rethink Love,” explains: “For many of us, especially those with anxious attachment patterns that were formed in early childhood, a pause in connection can feel like abandonment — not because it’s the reality of the situation, but because it reminds us of old feelings and stories.”

When we’re in the early stages of love, we’re flooded with cortisol, dopamine and all the chemical chaos that makes infatuation feel urgent and obsessive (the feeling of “butterflies,” for example). Layer in those unresolved attachment stories from childhood, and suddenly we’re reliving them in real time.

Waiting by the phone never gets any easier. But you can reframe these moments to make them less anxiety inducing.

“If we believe we’re ‘not enough’ or that ‘everyone abandons me,’ then even a delayed text can feel like confirmation of those beliefs,” Berg said.

How Instant Text Gratification Messes With Your Head

While dating apps can often feel like “The Hunger Games,” and no one wants to waste time or emotional investment on a swipe, this obsession with immediate responses from someone who is essentially a stranger can create unrealistic expectations for many single people. It dismisses the reality that the other person may have their own schedule, priorities or boundaries, none of which are necessarily a reflection of how they feel about you.

Still, the absence of a ping on your phone can trigger a defensive response: “He can’t be that busy. He must not be into me,” or “I don’t want someone too busy to text me.”

“The constant accessibility of modern communication — texts, DMs, voice notes, read receipts — creates the illusion that we should always be available,” Berg said. “Especially in new relationships, this immediacy can feel intoxicating at first: They messaged again! They’re thinking of me! But very quickly, it can become anxiety-inducing and even addictive,” she explains.

But that reaction, Berg adds, often reinforces a cycle of emotional dependence on the ping itself. The dopamine hit we get when someone we like — or think we like — texts us back becomes the metric for our self-worth.

Receiving texts and notifications triggers a dopamine hit — the neurotransmitter responsible for pleasure and infatuation. Pairing the constant contact with the consistent dopamine can make “us feel a false sense of intimacy, when real trust and intimacy evolves over time,” Berg said.

The false intimacy of text-based relationships can make pauses or gaps in talking so much more upsetting.

“Instead, we can find ourselves diving headfirst into emotional enmeshment,” Berg adds. “Boundaries — both energetic and emotional — become blurred, and we’re starting off in codependency, fantasy and expectation.”

Psychologically, she said, this sets us up for attachment dysregulation. “Our nervous systems become hijacked by anticipation, constantly scanning for connection or perceived rejection, and we are caught in an infatuation loop that will inevitably end — whether we end up together or not.”

Building on this, psychotherapist Israa Nasir explains how the dopamine feedback loop in texting and dating apps specifically keeps us focused on external rewards ― likes, replies, matches ― rather than turning inward to consider if we truly like the person.

“When we rely on external validation (like someone texting back, matching with us, or complimenting us) we’re outsourcing our sense of self-worth to others,” she explains. “These moments of approval trigger dopamine spikes, reinforcing the idea that we are only ‘OK’ when someone else chooses us.”

The more we rely on others for reassurance, Nasir adds, the less we develop and trust our own internal coping mechanisms. Which means when someone doesn’t text back, “the brain interprets it as a threat, triggering anxiety, self-doubt and shame. This keeps us in a reactive loop, instead of a grounded state.”

Nasir also points out that dating apps are deliberately “gamified,” designed like slot machines to maximise user engagement, not necessarily emotional well-being. “This behavioural design wires us for compulsive checking and distorted thinking patterns, making it harder to form secure, healthy connections.”

Making Peace With The Lack Of ‘Ping’

So what should you do if you feel panicked or dysregulated when you don’t hear back from a romantic interest within a certain timeframe?

Berg recommends seeing the trigger as an invitation to grow. “When that familiar panic sets in, the first thing to do is pause. Breathe. Call it out. You might even say out loud, ‘Here is my old story. I feel it, but I know it’s not real.’ From here, you can now challenge the story instead of letting it run the show. I often say that we don’t have control over our first thought, but we do have control over our second.”

Berg admits that challenging these habitual, negative thought patterns is a skill that is required in any phase of a relationship but especially in these early moments. “It can also help us to remember that love, real love, isn’t built in instant replies — it’s built in trust, in patience, in spiritual growth.”

And remember that a pause in communication isn’t always a rejection. “Often, it’s just life,” Berg said. “Our lives are so fast-paced and busy. What’s more important is the work of learning to regulate and soothe our own nervous systems, not outsource our peace of mind or our sense of worth to someone else’s response times. This is the shift from what I call ‘reactive interest’ to ‘conscious interest.’ And it’s where real connection begins.”

Nasir offers practical guidance on navigating the ambiguity of digital communication, including differentiating between whether someone is actually ghosting you or simply someone needing space or living their life offline.

“Track patterns, not moments: Look at their overall communication habits. Were they consistently responsive before, or had replies already started slowing down? Consider time and context: If it’s been a few hours or even a day, they may just be living life offline,” she explains. “Ghosting typically involves a sudden, complete drop-off with no explanation over an extended period (usually a week or more).”

“Reduce time doom-scrolling or waiting for a ping. Instead, engage in meaningful, self-affirming activities: friendships, hobbies, creativity, solo travel or dining, rest. These fill your emotional reserves and make dating feel like a part of life, not the whole thing.”

– Israa Nasir, psychotherapist

If you suspect you’re really being ghosted, Nasir suggests asking directly, once. “If you’re unsure, it’s OK to check in with a grounded message. If there’s no response after that, it’s information, not necessarily personal failure.”

When nothing is guaranteed in love or life and when dating feels like it’s doing more harm than good now more than ever, Nasir further emphasises the importance of building emotional resilience.

“The most important thing is to make sure your entire life is not centred on romance or dating,” she said. “Reduce time doom-scrolling or waiting for a ping. Instead, engage in meaningful, self-affirming activities: friendships, hobbies, creativity, solo travel or dining, rest. These fill your emotional reserves and make dating feel like a part of life, not the whole thing.”

She also recommends building in regular check-ins with yourself after interactions: “How did I feel? Did I show up as myself? This centres your experience, rather than obsessing over theirs. Practice sitting with discomfort—like the unknown of a delayed reply — without reacting impulsively. Use grounding tools like breath work, movement, or journaling to stay present. This rewires your nervous system to see uncertainty as tolerable, not dangerous.”

As Berg puts it: “The goal of a relationship is not constant contact or infinite good feelings — it’s real connection, which can only occur slowly over time.”

Your Kid Walks In On You Having Sex – This Is The First Thing You Should Say

Posted on 12/07/2025 by Boris Clair

If there’s one thing that comes with the territory of being a parent, it’s lack of privacy – and sometimes that means your child walking in on intimate moments.

It’s nothing new. Parents have been experiencing this intrusion since time began (spare a thought for the 69 dad!). But whereas once kids might’ve been hurried back to their rooms, never to discuss what happened again, these days some parents are being more open with their children about what they’ve just witnessed.

But how open should you be exactly?

I asked former sex education teacher Kathleen Hema to walk me through how’s best to respond when a kid walks in on you having sex – and the key takeaway is, it doesn’t have to be a big a deal as you think.

What to say when your child walks in on you having sex

Hema, who can often be found on social media teaching parents how to answer their kid’s sex questions, told HuffPost UK it’s important for parents to teach basic boundary setting early on in a child’s life.

This is because “when parents are setting and maintaining boundaries from an early age with their kid, it’s going to be so much easier to respond to a child walking in on you”.

Boundary setting can include teaching kids to knock on your bedroom door before entering (same goes for the bathroom) – and equally, you can reciprocate by knocking on their bedroom door.

This means that when a young child walks in and you’re in the middle of business, you could say: “Are you OK?” and the child might respond with “yeah” or “I thought I heard something”.

At this point, you can say: “OK. I didn’t hear you knock. It’s respectful to knock before entering someone’s room. Since you are OK, can we practice knocking? Can you go back out and shut the door and knock?”

This simple response gives parents a moment to gather themselves and put their clothes on, Hema suggested.

“When you go to the door and open it, you must praise them for knocking and then you can ask them a question,” she added.

You could say something like, “Great job knocking! I really appreciate you knocking when the door is closed. What’s up? I wanna help you. What do you need?”

She continued: “This type of response is positive and immediately focuses the conversation back to why they came into the room in the first place. For many young kids, that’s enough! They tell you they need a drink of water and you assist them with that request and walk them back to bed.

“Oftentimes with young kids, they don’t have any questions because they may not have really seen anything.”

Sometimes, with primary school-age children (aged five and up), a bit more explaining might be needed as a child might ask their parent “was [name] hurting you?”.

Hema said this is a common question from a young child when this situation happens and said parents can respond by saying: “Nope. [Name] wasn’t hurting me. I am OK. When adults are alone, we sometimes do adult activities and it may have looked uncomfortable to you, but I will reassure you that I am OK.”

You can then redirect them with another question: “Do you need anything else before going back to bed?”

You don’t even have to call it sex. In fact, Hema said she recommends for parents to say “adult activities” because kids understand this.

“There are loads of things that kids observe as ‘adult stuff’. For example, drinking coffee or alcohol, driving, going to work. This is just another thing they can tack on to this list,” she said.

If your child does have questions, the crucial thing is that you stay calm and relaxed while you have these conversations. Parent Map advises using “factual, plain language” and answering any questions a child asks “without supplying additional information or answering questions the child isn’t asking”.

And maybe a trip to B&Q for a bedroom lock could be a wise move afterwards, too.

Is It OK To Give A Sex Toy As A Gift?

Posted on 05/07/2025 by Boris Clair

A sex toy can be an exciting and confidence-boosting gift to buy for yourself.

But is such an intimate item ever an appropriate thing to give as a gift to someone else, particularly if you don’t have a sexual or romantic relationship with them?

According to sexologists and relationship experts, the answer is… it depends.

Who should you give a sex toy to?

“Gifting a sex toy to a friend can be a fun, empowering gesture – but context and consent matter,” said Rachel Needle, a licensed psychologist and co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institute.

“It’s usually appropriate when you have the kind of relationship where sex and pleasure are openly discussed, and you’re confident they’d receive it in the spirit it’s intended: playful, supportive, or celebratory.”

She recommended considering their sense of humour, comfort level and any cultural or religious beliefs that might influence their response to such a gift.

“Are they someone who celebrates their sensuality? Do they feel safe exploring? Trust your intuition, and always come from a place of love and respect,” said relationship therapist and sexologist Joy Berkheimer. “The goal of the gift should be to uplift, not to pry or push boundaries.”

Think about the closeness of your relationship as well.

“If your friendship is open, playful, and you’ve talked about sex before, then you probably have a green light, and a pleasure toy can be a great gift,” said Sadie Allison, a sexologist, author and founder of sex toy retailer TickleKitty.

“‘Giving the gift of pleasure’ is thoughtful and unique, and you’re almost always guaranteed a big smile out of it.”

Avoiding the awkward – and keeping it classy

Allison suggested giving your friend a sex toy as a gift for their bachelorette party or birthday – or as a self-love boost, perhaps after a breakup. As for specific products, consider if they’re more reserved or new to sex toys.

“In those cases, keep it subtle and pick a beginner-friendly product,” she said, recommending “a rechargeable bullet vibe that’s small and not intimidating” or pleasure lubricant.

“Have they expressed curiosity about toys or pleasure products?” Needle said. “If you’re unsure, err on the side of caution or opt for a gift card to a reputable sexual wellness store, which gives them the autonomy to choose.”

She emphasised that presentation is everything when it comes to giving such an intimate gift.

“Keep it classy, light-hearted, and respectful,” Needle advised. “Avoid public gifting unless you’re 100% sure they’ll love the attention.”

In larger group situations like a party, ask yourself whether your friend would be OK opening this gift in front of the other guests present.

“If you feel it may be awkward, give it to them on the side and let them know there’s something ‘frisky’ inside as a heads-up,” Allison said.

Context and consent are important when it comes to this kind of gift and how you present it.

You don’t need to go overboard with the gift wrapping, either. “Wrap it like you would any other thoughtful gift – no gag wrapping unless that’s clearly your shared vibe,” Needle said.

She also suggested including a little note with the gift, sharing why you thought of it for them – “because everyone deserves some self-love” or “you don’t need them” after a break-up.

“Try something like, ‘I saw this and thought of you, hope it adds a little spark and joy to your journey,’” Berkheimer said. “Keep it simple, genuine, and free of shame or judgment.”

If you think they’ll be surprised by the gift, a little card can provide some context and reassurance.

“If you’re nervous, pairing it with a more traditional item ― like bath products or a wellness-themed gift basket ― can soften the edges while still making a statement,” Needle said.

When it’s not a good idea to give sex toys

As noted, consent and context are incredibly important. Although times have changed and sex toys are less stigmatised, this kind of gift could cross boundaries, cause discomfort or even be considered harassment under the wrong circumstances.

If you don’t know this person very well and have never discussed intimacy or pleasure, you probably aren’t in the type of relationship where this would be an appropriate gift. If you’re on the fence, you could ask to gauge how they’d feel about that kind of present, but be respectful of the answer.

For someone with whom you have a professional relationship where specific power dynamics are at play, this kind of gift would also probably be a no-no.

Clinical psychologist and sex and intimacy coach Lori Beth Bisbey believes gifting a sex toy to a platonic friend can feel easy and uncomplicated if it’s someone you talk with about partners and sex. But advises to be mindful of situations where you have a different motive, though.

“If there is a flirtation between you, you need to be more careful about gifting a sex toy,” she said. “You need to be clear with yourself as to why you are giving this toy and what message you are trying to send. I would suggest thinking twice if the friend doesn’t know you have an interest in them.”

Is This ADHD Symptom Messing With Your Sex Life?

Posted on 28/06/2025 by Boris Clair

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder impacts many different aspects of life, from laundry habits to behavior at work. Another area where ADHD can pose major challenges is sexual intimacy, thanks to a condition known as rejection sensitive dysphoria, or RSD.

So what exactly is RSD, and how does it harm your sex life? Below, experts break down the concept, how it manifests and what you can do if the experience sounds familiar.

What is rejection sensitive dysphoria?

“Rejection sensitive dysphoria, or RSD, means having an intense negative emotional reaction ― often emotional pain ― to real or perceived instances of rejection, dislike or critical statements by others,” Dr. Lidia Zylowska, an associate professor at the University of Minnesota School of Medicine and author of The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD, told HuffPost.

“It often means being vigilant and sensitive to others’ negative reactions, trying to pre-empt them, and having difficulty shaking off the intense negative feeling triggered by feeling rejected or disliked in some way.”

RSD is not a formal designation in the DSM-5, which is the official handbook for mental health diagnoses, but the term has been popularised by psychiatrist Dr. William Dodson. As Dodson writes, this kind of extreme emotional sensitivity and pain can be triggered by someone’s perception of criticism or rejection ― or “by a sense of falling short ― failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations.”

RSD is particularly common in people with ADHD, as they tend to struggle with emotional regulation due to imbalanced dopamine levels and brain activity.

“One significant reason for its prevalence in ADHD is that the very nature of ADHD symptoms can lead to more frequent experiences of perceived or actual criticism and rejection,” said clinical psychologist Cristina Louk. “Impulsivity, difficulty with social cues, struggles with organization, and challenges in completing tasks can inadvertently lead to misunderstandings, critiques, or situations where individuals with ADHD feel they have fallen short.”

“Sexual intimacy demands profound vulnerability, which directly clashes with the intense fear of rejection and criticism that defines RSD.”

– Cristina Louk, clinical psychologist

Many neurodivergent individuals also have a long history of being bullied. All of these lived experiences can make the brain hypervigilant to any hint of dissatisfaction. For someone with RSD, even a seemingly neutral or minor interaction can trigger a disproportionate emotional response.

“Events such as a someone being reminded to close a window, or that they forgot to put a dish in the dishwasher, or a boss requesting some edits to a report can trigger extreme emotional reactions, rage or sadness,” said J. Russell Ramsay, a psychologist who co-founded and formerly co-directed the University of Pennsylvania’s adult ADHD treatment and research program.

These feelings are swift and overwhelming, regardless of whether there’s anything negative happening in one’s present reality. A manager could be requesting a meeting to discuss positive feedback and new opportunities, but someone with RSD might immediately assume they’re being fired and start to spiral.

“Similarly, a fleeting memory of a childhood event, like being bullied or excluded, can trigger the same intense emotional pain as if it were happening in the present moment,” Louk said.

People often compare the sensation to a physical wound, like a punch to the gut, ache in the chest or crushing sensation, she added. These episodes of emotional distress can last for a few hours or even a few days ― thus affecting someone’s ability to function in daily life.

“To cope, individuals with RSD may withdraw from social situations entirely to protect themselves from potential hurt, further exacerbating feelings of isolation and low self-worth,” Louk said.

They may also take excessive steps to avoid any perceived negative reactions from others.

“People might become people-pleasers, being overly deferential to avoid negative feedback,” Ramsay noted. “They might avoid situations that they view as ‘risky’ or overcompensate by being very perfectionistic, trying to do everything right to avoid criticisms. Reactions and impulsive over-reactions can lead to arguments in relationships, including in the workplace.”

How can RSD impact your sex life?

“Rejection sensitive dysphoria can significantly complicate a person’s sex life, transforming what should be an arena of connection and pleasure into one fraught with anxiety and potential pain,” Louk said. “At its core, sexual intimacy demands profound vulnerability, which directly clashes with the intense fear of rejection and criticism that defines RSD. This often leads individuals to emotionally withdraw, making it difficult to fully open up and express authentic desires or needs, ultimately creating a chasm in emotional and physical closeness.”

Another challenge is the tendency to misinterpret neutral responses as personal slights: “A partner’s momentary distraction or fatigue might be perceived as disinterest or disapproval,” Louk said, “triggering disproportionate emotional reactions like anger, sadness, or immediate defensiveness, which can quickly escalate minor issues into significant conflicts.”

She noted that this hypervigilance can lead to a self-perpetuating cycle of dissatisfaction, with performance anxiety and physical difficulties with arousal and orgasm. Individuals with RSD might actively avoid initiating sexual encounters or even general physical affection to prevent any sense of failure or rejection.

RSD can create challenges in your sex life, but there are ways to overcome these issues.

“For someone with RSD, a partner simply saying that they’re tired, or not in the mood may trigger a spiral of anxiety, fear, and shame,” said therapist Rachael Bloom. “Fear of rejection may also cause someone to prioritise their partner’s needs over their own, as they want to make sure to get it ‘right.’ It might also make someone less likely to openly share sexual preferences or desires. This lack of openness can significantly impact someone’s sexual satisfaction.”

Individuals with RSD might even sabotage their relationships to avoid potentially feeling hurt and rejected in the future. Psychotherapist and ADHD coach Terry Matlen noted that adults with ADHD often feel lingering self-doubt and insecurities from childhood and question whether their partner is even attracted to them.

“They may be overly sensitive about their looks, perhaps perceived imperfections, weight, ability to sexually express themselves, for example,” she said. “One can also shut down sexually and not enjoy the full experience as a way to avoid being rejected or criticised.”

How can you keep RSD from hindering intimacy?

There are things you can do ― both with a partner and on your own ― to keep rejection sensitive dysphoria from derailing your sex life.

“Educating yourselves together about RSD fosters deeper empathy and understanding, and preemptive communication about potential triggers ― perhaps establishing a ‘safe word’ for needed breaks ― can prevent escalation,” Louk said.

She also recommended reinforcing the strength of your relationship by focusing on non-sexual intimacy with shared activities and emotional connection. The positive effects can carry over into your sex life as well.

“Recognise that your automatic assumptions about how someone else sees you can be mistaken,” Ramsay advised. “Look at all the positive aspects of a relationship, including the physical relationship.”

Making an effort to understand your sensitivities and reactions can help you anticipate and prepare for them.

“The key to managing RSD is to regulate the emotions involved ― shame, guilt, fear,” said Billy Roberts, a therapist at Focused Mind ADHD Counseling. “One way to regulate emotions within a relationship is by being open about RSD. Identify when you’re experiencing RSD, and check the facts with your partner. For example, ‘I’m feeling worried that you’re mad at me. Is that true?’ You might also share that it would help if they delivered their response in a supportive manner.”

Roberts emphasised that vulnerability and honest communication foster security, which builds a better sex life.

“It is helpful to recognise what happens in the moment a feeling of rejection comes up ― how does the body reacts or tenses, what feelings or thoughts bubble up,” Zylowska said. In these moments, she recommended you try to practice calming yourself with deep breathing and self-compassion.

“Instead of thinking ‘I am not liked,’ give the benefit of the doubt ― ‘what if I am liked?’” she said. “It can be helpful to ask yourself if there is too much personalising of a partner’s behaviour ― ‘maybe their lower libido is not about me but something going on with them.’”

Try to practice being brave and honest about your preferences, even in small ways, as you have sex or talk about intimacy with your partner.

“Tell your partner of your emotional sensitivities and what words and behaviours are most troublesome,” Matlen said. “Educate your partner on RSD and how it’s related to your ADHD and that it’s not about them. And it’s important to be kind to yourself, to know that it’s part of how your ADHD brain works, and that you aren’t broken, weird, or psychologically weak.”

If you’re having issues, consider seeking professional help through individual and/or couples therapy. Don’t be discouraged if you need time to figure out the right multifaceted approach for you.

“In my practice, I treat RSD using a combination of cognitive behavior therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy and somatic therapies,” Bloom said. “People with ADHD absolutely deserve to have satisfying and authentic sex lives, and developing an awareness around certain fears and how they are impacting behavior is so important.”

‘I Haven’t Had Sex With My Girlfriend Of 5 Years. Are My Instincts Off?’

Posted on 23/06/2025 by Boris Clair

There’s no set figure for how little sex is too little.

Indeed, some researchers found that only 26% of couples hit the once-weekly mark – speaking to The New York Times, multiple married pairs reported happy, sex-free marriages.

Couples counsellor and author of The Couples Communication Handbook, Raffi Bilek, previously told HuffPost UK the tipping point is usually “whatever amount is causing arguments”.

Writing to Reddit’s r/AITAH (Am I The Asshole Here) forum recently, site user renelemely suggested he was approaching that point of “resentment” with his partner.

“My girlfriend and I have never [had] sex, and it’s been almost five years. Am I the asshole?,” he asked.

We spoke to psychologist Veronica West, founder and lead Content Creator of My Thriving Mind, about when sexual incompatibility is a dealbreaker – and when it can be overcome.

The pair have never had sex

The poster shared that he’s never slept with his girlfriend in their five-year relationship.

At first, he said, he thought she was a little shy and wanted to go slow. “I was just excited for the time to come… and it still hasn’t come,” OP (the original poster) wrote.

When he tries to bring it up, she gets very upset and says the topic makes her feel extremely guilty. She has recently shared that the main reason behind the mismatch is her lack of sex drive.

“She is beautiful and smart, and she has a good job,” OP added. “We live together and her family love me. We do everything together, and I miss her when she’s not around.”

Still, he wonders if he “can live like this”, and feels increasing “resentment” towards his partner and is hoping she can change.

Sexual incompatibility doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker

West shared that even though a lot of couples struggle to address sexual incompatibility, it isn’t a “death sentence” for the relationship.

“What really counts is what both parties feel about it,” she added. “If both parties are willing to get curious and find options, there is room to build something positive.”

When asked whether most relationships can survive a complete sexual mismatch, she responded: “Sometimes, sometimes not.”

Compromise, she said, is not always a “meet in the middle” scenario when it comes to sex. “You can’t really compromise to have sex one and a half times per week and feel like you’ve won,” she advised.

“It’s about emotional and physical needs being met in a way that feels respectful and genuine.”

That can take the form of physical contact with no sexual expectation, experimenting with open relationships, seeing a therapist, and communicating your needs often.

“But no matter the route, the two of them have to actually agree, not begrudgingly go along and hope the other [one] of them will change their mind next month,” West continued.

“It becomes a dealbreaker when the mismatch turns into a chronic emotional ache.”

Refusal to discuss the topic is one red flag.

And, she ended: “If one partner starts to feel invisible or chronically rejected, or the other feels guilt every time the topic comes up, the tension is no longer just about sex – it is about identity, resentment, and unmet needs.”