In an ideal world, we’d all be able to tell our partners exactly what we’re feeling, as soon as we’re feeling it.

But real life often falls short of that. Maybe it feels too vulnerable to express a need outright; maybe you’re worried about being dismissed, ignored or met with hostility if you do.

That’s where passive aggression can often come into play.

“Passive aggression is an indirect expression of emotions or unmet needs,” explained Tara Rullo, a trauma and couples therapist and owner of Middle Way Psychotherapy.

“Underneath passive-aggressive comments are vulnerable emotions like sadness, loneliness, overwhelm, fear, or longing.”

As an example, Rullo described a couple where one partner has been retreating into their phone: “Instead of their partner saying, ‘I’m feeling ignored,’ or ‘I want to connect with you,’ the bid may come out sideways through comments like ‘Don’t let me interrupt your phone’ or ‘Must be something really important on there,’” she said.

“Underneath these comments is a natural longing for connection, but because the need is wrapped in irritation and sarcasm, the receiving partner hears criticism, contempt or undefined emotional distress instead,” Rullo continued.

Below, relationship experts describe some of the most common passive-aggressive phrases they hear used with significant others, then break down how to turn those moments into a genuine opportunity for connection instead.

This is one of those examples where the words mean one thing, but “your partner can clearly pick up on a tone,” Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist and the author of Love Every Day, told HuffPost. “If the tone doesn’t match, the tone is all your partner’s gonna focus on.”

They’ll sense your distress, but have no way of knowing what’s wrong – only that you’re upset with them.

If you catch yourself saying this, Elizabeth Earnshaw, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Til Stress Do Us Part, recommended that you do your best to catch yourself in the moment and try to name the real feeling instead. A quick script might look like: “Actually, I’m not fine. I don’t know why I said that. I am feeling [angry/sad/etc].”

Rullo flagged this kind of comment as one of the most concerning patterns she sees. “Must be nice” – as in, “must be nice to have zero responsibilities” or “must be nice to relax while I do everything” – can veer into contempt, which she said “is considered the single strongest predictor of relationship breakdown”.

What contempt signals, Earnshaw said, is that “you’re not only frustrated but have also lost a fundamental sense of respect for the other person.” The sarcasm in this kind of comment allows you to disguise it as humour, but the underlying message is loud and clear.

“Your partner gives you feedback or raises a concern, and you say, ‘Well, I guess I can’t do anything right then,’” Solomon said. “It’s passive-aggressive because you’re not addressing your partner’s concern and you’re generalising.”

It’s also a form of what Earnshaw called “chronic victim-playing”.

Instead of engaging with the specific issue – or taking a second to acknowledge that you’re feeling criticised and having a response to that – you turn the moment into a referendum on your worth.

It shuts down the conversation your partner was trying to have and takes it to a much more global and less productive place.

Couples therapist Zach Brittle described “should” as a common tell that there’s some passive aggression at play: “I shouldn’t have to ask” and “you should know” are both common culprits.

Ideally, Brittle said, the speaker would communicate “from a place of desire (rather than demand).” This might look like reframing “you should” statements as “I would really like…”

Earnshaw also gave the example of a partner who’s feeling neglected and snaps at their significant other, saying, “If you cared, you’d know.” Instead, that partner might try saying, “I’m feeling lonely, and I’d love it if we could plan a date night soon.”

This is another comment that can be defended as a joke if it lands badly – but the person on the receiving end will find it almost impossible not to respond to the cutting tone underneath.

As with the “must be nice” genre of comments, this kind of comment can communicate “superiority, disgust, disrespect, ridicule or disdain,” Rullo said. “Instead of ‘I’m upset with you,’ the message becomes ‘I’m above you’ and ‘there is something fundamentally wrong with you.’”

That kind of atmosphere – where one or both partners “consistently feel looked down on, mocked or dismissed” – can be hard to repair.

This kind of comment can take a few forms: “My sister’s husband gives the kids a bath every night” or “Dave’s wife never asks him to help with the laundry.” Instead of directly communicating something you wish your partner would do, you use comparison to express your unhappiness.

The subtext, as Solomon explained, is always the same: “Why can’t you?” Your partner is put in the position of either asking you directly why you’re bringing that up, or – more likely – reacting defensively to the way you’ve just put them down.

Again, the subtext is the issue here. Solomon said that this is an example of “describing yourself in a particular way that’s positive, and the subtext is you’re describing your partner in a negative way.” In other words, “I’m the kind of person who likes to focus on what other people need – unlike you.”

The more honest version, she said, would sound something like, “I’m feeling troubled by the fact that I feel like there’s an imbalance here,” or, “Sometimes I don’t understand the choices that you make, because they’re so different than the choices that I make.”

This comment, when intended passive-aggressively, is often accompanied with a “heavy tone or eye roll,” per Earnshaw. Like “I’m fine,” it’s a form of stonewalling, what Earnshaw described as “withdrawing emotionally while making it obvious something is wrong.”

If you’re feeling the urge to say something like “whatever you want” about a suggestion you’re clearly not happy about, Earnshaw recommended two things: first, taking whatever time you need to cool down and communicate more clearly; and second, being honest that you aren’t satisfied with the current plan. You might try saying something like, “I’m not excited about that option. Let’s keep looking for a solution that works for both of us.”

Because these kinds of comments don’t directly address an emotion or unmet need, they can provide a cover for the speaker: If the comment is received badly, they can pretend they were just joking or accuse the other person of reading too much into it. But this kind of retreat doesn’t negate the harm that these comments can cause.

“Passive-aggressive comments aren’t like yelling and screaming and name-calling,” Solomon said. “But they chip away at connection, they erode connection, and they erode intimacy. It is a big deal.”

There’s harm in both the passivity – the listener is left confused about what’s actually being communicated – and the aggression, which leaves the listener feeling defensive.

Earnshaw described passive aggression as “corrosive” over time: “the giver feels chronically unheard; the receiver feels constantly criticized but can’t respond cleanly.”

When that becomes a pattern, that’s where communication really starts to break down.

These kinds of comments can also be used as a defensive strategy in equally harmful ways – if one partner feels attacked, they might say something like “I guess I’m just a bad person” or “I guess I can’t do anything right” as a way to deflect criticism or otherwise derail the conversation. The effect is the same: The listener is left confused, defensive and ill-equipped to respond, since the real emotion driving the comment is never named.

At the core of the problem is how passive-aggressive comments can reframe the way couples tackle challenges.

“Whenever there’s conflict with our partner, there’s always an opportunity to put the problem in front, to move into a side-by-side stance and look together with our partner at the problem,” Solomon said. “Passive-aggressive comments reflect and reinforce this idea that it’s me versus you instead of you and me against the problem.”

All the experts polled here shared similar advice on how to communicate rather than resorting to passive aggression: Take the time to figure out what’s really going on with you, then do your best to communicate that directly, using “I feel” and “I need” statements as much as possible.

For both the person making passive-aggressive comments and the person on the receiving end, suggesting you pause the conversation until you can communicate more clearly and gently calling out the behaviour that you’re seeing can be good ways to set the conversation back on track.

For the person engaging in passive aggression, that might mean saying something like, “I notice that I tend to move into passive-aggressive behaviour when I feel overwhelmed. I’m really trying to change that behaviour.”

For the listener, that might mean saying something like, “When you say ‘whatever,’ I feel shut out. Can we talk about what’s actually going on?” In both scenarios, it acknowledges the aggression that was previously masked, and it tells your partner that you’re committed to communicating more directly.

If you’re recognising these passive-aggressive comments from your own relationship, don’t be too hard on yourself – and don’t take it as a sign that all is lost.

“[Passive aggression] is not like a personality trait,” Solomon clarified. “The vast majority of us grew up not seeing conflict handled well, and so we come into our intimate partnerships with legitimate skill deficits. The good news is that this is all something that can be learned.”