There’s something about the thought of prescription skincare that makes me feel a bit anxious.
I love new lotions and potions (who doesn’t?), but my skin can be a right sensitive Sally – I’ve had some pretty uncomfortable reactions to overly-strong concoctions in the past.
Think redness, burning, tingling; all things you don’t really want your face to experience after trying something new.
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Yet since having kids, my skin has changed A LOT. Its lost some of its elasticity and vibrance, becoming a bit dull. I’ve also aged because, well, I’ve gotten older (and had many a sleepless night, which I’m sure doesn’t help). There are more lines cropping up here and there. My skin doesn’t feel as tight as it once did.
I’ve been lucky in a lot of respects as I haven’t had bad breakouts or issues with pigmentation, both of which can crop up after having babies (cheers, hormones).
But it’s fair to say my usual skincare combo of CeraVe cleanser and a Beauty Pie moisturiser had been working very hard – and my skin still felt like it was left wanting.
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I figured a change was in order. But where to even begin? I don’t have time to visit a dermatologist (nor the money, let’s face it).
You simply explain what you want to treat – whether that’s acne, melasma, rosacea or something else. In my case, I just wanted less tired mama and more glow get ’em.
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As part of the online consultation process you also share information about your skin and what you’ve reacted to in the past. It’s pretty extensive – it’s also worth noting they cater to women who are pregnant or breastfeeding, so if you let them know they can tailor your products accordingly.
In my case, I wanted something that was anti-ageing and would help give me a bit of a glow. I received their:
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Caring squalane cream cleanser – a super luxurious cleanser that melts off makeup, doesn’t dry you out, and leaves skin really soft.
Azelaic acid/niacinamide lotion, which I’ve been applying after cleansing each night. I was really worried this was going to bring me out in a rash but it didn’t.
Nourishing ceramide + peptide moisturiser, which I use morning and night. It’s just the right amount of nourishing without being greasy.
Vitamin C 15% fresh batch ascorbic acid – I’ve been using this after cleansing in the morning and before applying moisturiser. It does tend to leave my skin a bit tight but I heap the moisturiser on after and it seems to balance it all out.
And that’s my routine.
Natasha Hinde
My skin definitely feels brighter and tighter than it was.
Even in the space of just a few days after using these four products, I noticed my skin felt brighter, tighter and the smoothest it’s ever been. (Or at least, the smoothest it’s been as an adult.)
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Honestly, my cheeks are rivalling my toddler’s right now for softness. I can’t stop stroking them. I’ve even had compliments from strangers (which never happens!).
I was very dubious about how well an online consultation could work – and how accurate it would be – however I’m pleased to report I’m a convert. Now to see if it stands the test of time…
In the meantime, if you want to try it for yourself, your first month of personalised skincare should be £24.99, but is currently £2.90 – so really, what are you waiting for?
Many parents nonchalantly refer to their children, whether babies or adults, as their “best friend”. It can be an offhanded comment about an infant daughter or a declaration to the room at your child’s 30th birthday party.
It’s a phrase that, generally, comes from a good place. But if a parent actually treats their child as a best friend, such as by sharing personal stories or swapping gossip, it can become a problem.
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“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to spend time with your child and [if] you find that you have fun hanging out with them, that is great, but when you are referring to your child as your best friend, that is a blurring of boundaries,” said Holly Humphreys, a licensed professional counsellor with Thriveworks in Roanoke, Virginia.
This can cause the relationship dynamics to move from parent-child to parent-friend or parent-counsellor, she noted.
“So, you’re actually putting your child into a different category when you say that they’re your best friend, and then that can lead into oversharing of personal details that your child should not know about,” Humphreys noted.
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It can also cause problems for both the kid and the parent in other realms, too. Here’s what therapists want you to know:
Your young children should absolutely never be your “best friend”
It’s always a no-no for parents to refer to and treat a young child as their best friend, therapists say. And that’s true whether you have kids in elementary school, middle school, high school or college.
The idea that your young child is “your best friend” may come from a loving place, “but even with good intentions, it points to a deeper issue,” said Carrie Howard, a licensed clinical social worker and anxiety coach.
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“Kids need their parents to be their parents. They need [their parents] to be the safe, guiding adults in their lives, not their peers. And when those lines get blurred, it makes it harder to set boundaries and actually parent well,” Howard explained.
If you treat your kid like your best friend, they may not want to listen to you when you do set rules. Or, they may feel pressure to care for you, either emotionally, practically or both. This role-reversal is known as parentification, Howard explained.
“A child can’t be their parent’s best friend without feeling some unspoken pressure to meet the needs of the parent that just aren’t theirs to meet,” said Howard.
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“Children aren’t developmentally equipped to be a parent’s primary emotional support system.”
– Kyndal Coote, licensed social worker
Kyndal Coote, a psychotherapist, said when she hears a parent refer to their young child as their best friend, her first concern is the emotional burden that’s falling on the child.
“Children aren’t developmentally equipped to be a parent’s primary emotional support system. They don’t have the tools to do that, their brain is not even developed,” Coote said.
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If a child is a parent’s primary emotional support system, the child may feel responsible for managing a parent’s feelings, she noted. “And that is a very, very heavy burden for someone who should just be focused on learning how to manage their own development,” added Coote.
As children get older, this kind of emotional burden can cause the child to feel insecure in their decision-making and lead to guilt when prioritising other relationships, such as romantic partnerships, Coote said.
“When we rely too heavily on our children in adolescence or in childhood, that relationship is just going to continue to be enmeshed as the child grows into an adult child,” said Meredith Van Ness, a psychotherapist and the owner of Meredith Van Ness Therapy.
The line is a little more blurred with adult children, but they still shouldn’t be your “best friend.”
With adult children, this is a much more nuanced issue and likely depends on the relationship and the family, Van Ness said.
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Treating your adult child as your best friend isn’t as damaging as treating a young child that way, because adult children can understand grown-up issues, but it can still be problematic and is not advisable.
“With adult kids, the dynamic is a bit different. Sometimes these relationships can feel very close and even look like a friendship in some ways – you might talk on the phone every day or spend a lot of time together, and that can be really wonderful, but I caution parents not to mistake that closeness for a peer-to-peer best friend relationship,” Howard said.
When your child becomes an adult, they’ll start to have their own relationship woes and other grown-up problems. “And they should still be able to come to you as their parent,” Humphreys said.
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More, the parent-child history doesn’t just disappear when a child grows up, which can lead to an imbalance in the so-called “best friendship,” Howard said.
“Think of it this way, in my role as a therapist, ethically, I can’t be friends with my clients when they discharge from treatment, even though we’re both consenting adults, and there’s an important reason for this. It’s really hard to have a truly mutual, healthy, give-and-take relationship when there’s been a significant power differential in the past, like with therapist [and] client or parent and child,“ Howard explained.
Former roles in a relationship leave an imprint, Howard added. “It’s hard to erase that history of who had more power, influence or responsibility in the relationship,” Howard noted.
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This can then make the relationship vulnerable to bad boundaries and blurred lines, Howard noted.
Finance adds another power dynamic to this relationship, Van Ness added.
Parents often pay the dinner bill for their grown-up children or give them money for the grandkids. This isn’t so common in friendships.
The Good Brigade via Getty Images
While it’s OK to be friendly and warm to your child, you shouldn’t lean on them as you would with a best friend.
There are red flags that the parent-child friendship has gone too far
There can certainly be an aspect of friendship within a parent-child relationship, but you have to understand when that goes too far, Howard said.
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“We want to maintain boundaries with our kids … these are long-standing relationships, so we don’t want to infringe on those boundaries by burdening [our kids] with our emotions that we really need to rely on someone else for,” Van Ness said.
If a child, no matter the age, has to become the emotional caretaker of the parent, it’s a red flag that the parent-child friendship has crossed a line, said Van Ness.
“Unfortunately, that happens with young children when parents get divorced,” said Van Ness.
This may look like one divorced parent trying to get a child to “side with them” instead of the other parent, Van Ness said.
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Oversharing personal details that your child shouldn’t know is another sign that the relationship isn’t healthy, Humphreys said.
“You should not be going to your child to discuss marital difficulties, problems with other people, that sort of thing,” Humphreys added.
“If you find yourself doing that, then that’s a red flag that you need to have more peer-to-peer relationships,” said Humphreys.
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“It’s hard to erase that history of who had more power, influence or responsibility in the relationship.”
– Carrie Howard, licensed clinical social worker and anxiety coach
Instead of reaching out to your child about these things, you should aim to talk to your significant other, a friend, another parent, or a sibling, Humphreys noted.
“You should not be relying on your child to help you get through situations. That puts a lot of pressure on a child, and also, if you are going to them when you’re having marital issues or relationship issues, that puts them in the middle a lot of times with the other parent or the other significant person in your life,” Humphreys said.
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If you find yourself getting jealous of your child’s friendships or romantic relationships because you feel threatened by the bond, that’s also a bad sign, Coote said. You should want your child to have other happy and healthy relationships.
If you lean on your parent or child too much for support, there are other places to go
If you think you’ve been leaning on your parent or child a little too hard and treating them as that “best friend” role, it’s OK. In most cases, it comes from a place of love.
“This is everybody’s first human experience, so the first thing I tell parents is, it’s not your fault that you weren’t taught healthy relationship skills and you didn’t have the tools to develop that — most of us didn’t get an education on managing your emotions and [emotional] intelligence and relational intelligence and that sort of thing — but, even if you didn’t get that education and you didn’t have that healthy example, it’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility to do something about it and develop those skills as adults so you don’t unintentionally harm your kids,” said Coote.
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The first step in breaking this pattern is developing your own support system, Coote added.
“Do you have healthy adult friendships? Are you good at managing your own emotions independently? Do you know how to regulate your emotions? Can you sit with difficult emotions?” Coote asked.
“You can have warm, loving relationships while still maintaining that role as their parent. It’s almost like mentorship rather than friendship. You’re not their equal, you’ve been on the planet much longer than them, so you really shouldn’t even developmentally feel like they’re equal,” Coote said.
Whether your child is six, 16 or 36, the parent’s job is to “guide them toward independence, not keep them close to meet your emotional needs,” Coote noted.
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“Our goal as a parent is to raise our kids so that they can be independent,” Van Ness said.
“We really need to know that our parents are going to be OK without us and that our kids are going to be OK without being in their lives so fully,” said Van Ness.
Leaning on your child (or your parent) as your best friend only puts unfair pressure on them and takes away from all the great aspects that can exist in a parent-child relationship.
The former Little Mix singer made the exciting announcement in a video posted on social media over the weekend, captioned: “Guess what hunnies…”
In the clip, Perrie could be seen walking away from the camera wearing a top emblazoned with the message “if he wanted to he would…” – the name of her latest solo single – on its back.
She then turned around to reveal a second message, “…and he did!”, revealing her pregnant stomach, at which point she was joined by her footballer fiancé and their four-year-old son Axel.
“Love you and so happy for you all,” Jade wrote, while Leigh-Anne – who was pregnant at the same time as Perrie during their time in Little Mix – added: “Just the best news! Love you all.”
She and Alex share one child, Axel, who was born in August 2021.
Perrie is also currently gearing up for the release of her self-titled debut album, which is coming at the end of this month, and has been preceded by singles like Forget About Us, You Go Your Way and her latest musical offering, If He Wanted To He Would.
While these flags usually crop up during football tournaments, children are asking why they’re being flown – and in some cases, graffitied, now – and for some parents, they don’t know where to even begin.
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Such was the case for one parent who took to Mumsnet to say their children, aged eight and 11 years old, were “asking about the current influx of England flags”.
“How do you explain it?” asked the parent. “I’ve tried to explain it but to be honest I don’t really understand it fully myself, and think I’ve just bumbled out a lot of rubbish that they don’t really get. Any ideas on an age appropriate way?”
Responses were mixed. One commenter said: “In a nutshell people are displaying the flag in what they feel is a rebellious act against a government which doesn’t listen to them or, in fact, care about them in any way at all.”
Another said: “At 8 and 11, I would presume that they have an understanding of racism? I would just explain that there are sadly still a lot of racists around, and that some of them like to express this by flying the flag.
“I would also explain, of course, that there is nothing inherently racist about the flag itself, but that the racists were trying to claim it for their own cause.”
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It’s certainly a tricky one – and not something they write about in your average parenting advice books. So, I enlisted the help of a therapist who works with young people, and a clinical psychologist, to advise parents on the best approach to take.
How to talk to kids about the influx of England flags
The issue is the flag has multiple meanings – and not only this, it means different things to different people. While some might see it as a way to say you’re proud to be English, others might see it as a sign of division and hatred.
And this is even more confusing for children.
Fiona Yassin, family psychotherapist and founder of The Wave Clinic, told HuffPost UK: “The double meaning of some flags and symbols can leave children and young people confused.
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“It’s important to remember that children are often asking questions from a place of curiosity, not judgement. When a question feels loaded for parents, they may try and defend it, which can create anxiety in parenting.
“Avoid answering questions from this standpoint and try not to parent through the lens of anxiety. Stick to short, understandable sentences and simple, age appropriate explanations.”
Both experts agree that a balanced and open approach is best. But how much detail you offer will depend on the age of your child.
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For primary school-age children
Yassin suggested connecting the discussion to real-life examples to help make it more meaningful for a child. For this conversation, parents may want to use the concept of team or house colours at school.
“You could explain that flags are similar to team colours at school. Just like cheering for the purple team on sports day shows that you’re part of a team, a flag can show pride in a place or a group,” she explained.
The therapist said parents could share that being excited about a team or a flag “doesn’t mean that we are better than anyone else” or that “we should leave anyone out”.
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“For example, cheering for the purple team doesn’t mean the green, yellow or red teams are less important,” she said.
“Introduce the idea of different messages. You might say ‘Flags can have nice meanings, like being proud of your home, but sometimes people use them to say unkind things about others. It’s important to be kind and inclusive, no matter what team you are in or flag you are waving’.”
Dr Patapia Tzotzoli, clinical psychologist and founder of My Triage Network, told HuffPost UK the goal during these conversations is not to provide a single answer, “but to open a space for dialogue, showing children that it is possible to hold multiple perspectives while keeping compassion at the centre”.
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“In this way, they learn that while symbols may sometimes divide or unite, what matters most is treating people with kindness, fairness, and inclusion,” she said.
For tweens and teens
If your child is a bit older, it might also help to ask them what they think the flags mean. “Acknowledge and validate their feelings – whether they find the flags exciting or unsettling – and then explain that symbols can carry different meanings for different people,” said Dr Tzotzoli.
“For example, for some, flags represent pride and belonging, while for others they may bring discomfort because of how flags are being used or have been used in the past.”
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Yassin urges parents to be “honest and balanced” when talking to kids about the flags. “Acknowledge that some people use flags to show unity, whilst others may use the same symbols in a way that are not kind or inclusive. Encourage them to think critically rather than telling them what to believe,” she said.
The therapist stressed that “our job as parents is to empower children to be critical thinkers and make solid, valuable decisions, and to do that, we need to provide them with factual information”.
You could discuss values and choices with your child, as part of this discussion. It might be helpful to show them that being part of something – whether that’s a team, a community, or a country – “should involve curiosity, respect, and fairness”, she added.
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“It’s okay to celebrate identity, but it should never come at the expense of being unkind or excluding others.”
And if your child does share their viewpoint on the flags, the therapist warns not to “dismiss it”.
“When children express their thoughts on these issues, as parents it’s important we actively listen and validate our child’s experiences. Being present and open for discussion is essential,” she said.
“Ensure they know they will not be judged. Let your child know that there is no question too small or too silly to ask. If we encourage children to talk, we must ensure we meet it with empathy, and reassurance that they will not be judged. If children fear talking to us, it’s unlikely they will come to us when they need help the most.”
Parents have previously opened up about the slightly unhinged hacks that helped make their lives easier – from buying 15 of the same t-shirt to leaving food on the counter and telling their child they can’t eat it (the only way to guarantee they will eat it).
Here’s what parents on Reddit say worked for them when their kids’ big feelings got the better of them…
“My GO TO is say something wrong.”
“For example, if [you’re] trying to get their shoes on ‘Hey we need to get your shoes on, here let’s put them on, they go on your head right?’ Or ‘Lets put on your green shoes’ (when they are red shoes).
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“Saying something obviously wrong will snap my 3 year old out of it almost instantly. You can use it as kind of a distraction too, ‘Let’s go see your ‘wrong coloured’ room.’”
“I bent over and made a fart noise with my mouth,then looked surprised and said ‘oops! Excuse me!’”
“My toddler lost it and we both started laughing hysterically for several minutes. Sadly one of my prouder parenting moments.”
“This sounds so weird but sometimes I run away from him.”
“He thinks it’s hilarious and starts chasing me and forgets whatever he was pitching a fit over.”
“If it’s a throwing things tantrum, I give him a bunch of balls…”
“And tell him to rage throw them down the hallway (where he can’t break anything). I demonstrate by whipping one as hard as I can and say ‘phew! I feel better now. Wanna try?’ He always goes for it.”
“I say, ‘Quick! Tell me 5 things you see that are blue!’”
“He’ll look at me like I’m crazy but then start looking around. Name things. If he’s still upset, I’ll ask him to name 4 things he can hear. Usually by now he’s over it.”
The Duchess of Sussex has opened up about a challenging time during her journey through motherhood.
Meghan, who shares two children – Prince Archie and Princess Lilibet – with Prince Harry, got candid during Season 2 of her Netflix series, With Love, Meghan, which premiered on Tuesday.
During the season’s third episode, Meghan shared an emotional memory with Queer Eye star Tan France – a father himself who has two boys with his partner.
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While in conversation, Meghan said parenting has been “better” than she ever presumed, according to a story published by People on Tuesday.
The two discussed various aspects of parenting, including how they will “miss” their little ones when they eventually grow up and move out. People noted that France took it a bit further, saying, “I might die without my kids. I need my boys. If I don’t see them for a couple of days, I feel like my heart is broken.”
KOLA SULAIMON/AFP via Getty Images
Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, looks on as she attends a Sit Out at the Nigerian Defence Headquarters in Abuja on May 11, 2024.
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It was then that Meghan revealed she was away from her children for an extended period following the death of Queen Elizabeth II.
“The longest I went without being around our kids was almost three weeks,” she recalled. “I was… not well.”
In his 2023 memoir Spare, Harry detailed the time the couple had to be apart from their children.
“Our quick trip would now be an odyssey. Another ten days, at least. Difficult days at that,” he said, in an excerpt cited by the outlet. “More, we’d have to be away from the children for longer than we’d planned, longer than we’d ever been.”
“It’s so rare,” Meghan said. “And so scary! And you’re still trying to juggle all of these things, and the world doesn’t know what’s happening quietly. And in the quiet, you’re still trying to show up for people.”
A parent has shared the unusual trick she used to calm her toddler’s tantrum on a flight in under a minute – and the internet is hooked.
Taking to Instagram, content creator and photographer Shante Hutton recommended a “nervous system reset hack” for toddlers who are in “meltdown mode” – and it might be particularly useful while travelling.
“Take a small comb and gently brush their feet, hands, and tummy – slow, light strokes,” said Hutton. “It interrupts the overwhelm, gives their brain a new sensory input, and calms them down fast.”
The parent added that when she tried the trick, “we went from red-faced screaming to comatose in under a minute”.
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She then urged families to add a comb to their carry-on luggage the next time they take a flight with young kids.
Does it work?
The post, uploaded a week ago, had almost 43,000 likes at the time of writing.
“My daughter[’s] OT [occupational therapy] recommend we brush her daily,” said one commenter. “Sounds like I own a horse, but it works.”
A grandparent added: “Interesting! I draw circles on their palms (or feet) with my finger and they almost go into a trance.”
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One parent admitted they started “skin brushing” when their baby was a newborn and they “swear it helps with the milestones too”.
There were even some who joked: “Giving my husband a comb for my meltdown later.”
Obviously this isn’t a hack that works for everyone – we’re all different, and some kids might love the sensory experience while others… well, not so much. You know your child and whether they’d respond well to this or not.
Any other meltdown hacks?
Prevention is key. Take lots of snacks and toys to keep them occupied. Tablets can be useful if your child is of an age where they can be distracted by TV shows and films for periods of time.
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One parent swears by painter’s tape to keep her child occupied on a plane – it’s cheap, easy to rip (and remove from surfaces, once stuck), and colourful. Just make sure you clean it all up before you disembark.
If your child is in the thick of a tantrum and the comb trick isn’t working, you could try asking them a “tiny, non-threatening question”, according to Jo Walker, a hypnotherapist at Walker’s Therapy.
The question should have nothing to do with the tantrum. So, Walker gave an example of, “hey, I just noticed your shoes. Where did you get those from?” or “what is the animal on your T-shirt?”.
On Thursday night, the Stranger Things star told her Instagram followers that she and Jake had adopted a baby earlier in the summer.
“This summer, we welcomed our sweet baby girl through adoption,” the couple announced in a joint statement. “We are beyond excited to embark on this beautiful next chapter of parenthood in both peace and privacy.”
The 21-year-old has previously made no secret of her hopes to start a family in the near future, telling the Smartless podcast earlier this year: “For me, my home is full of love for anyone and anything.
“So that’s kind of where we’re at. We’re wanting to start a family and it doesn’t matter in what way or when, but it will happen for sure.”
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Pointing out that both herself and her husband have three siblings each, she continued: “I really want a big family. I’m one of four, he’s one of four, so it is in our future.”
Elsewhere in the interview, Millie shared that she has been focussed on becoming a mother since a young age, pointing out that her own mum was 21 when she was born.
“Since I was a baby, I told my mom, like ‘Baby dolls [are what I want]’,” she explained. “I wanted to be a mum just like the way my mum was to me.
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“Jake knows how important it is to me. Like, of course I want to focus on really establishing myself as an actor and as a producer but I also find it’s so important to start a family for me personally.”
Millie shot to fame around a decade ago as a child actor in the Netflix series Stranger Things, which is coming to an end later this year.
Since then, she’s made a name for herself as both an actor and producer, most notably in Netflix’s Enola Holmes movies and the films Damsel and The Electric State, both made in connection with the streaming giant.
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Jake, meanwhile, is a model and actor, whose father is the musician Jon Bon Jovi.
My son, who starts second grade soon, is autistic and largely nonverbal.
We don’t live in a world that’s made for neurodiverse folks. And while there’s so much out there that tries to push kids like mine to conform into neurotypical spaces, it’s really on us to bend the world for them.
That’s why I talk to our neighbours, the folks running nearby stores, members of our community, about his autism. As a result, he has a favourite corner deli, where the owners know him. A thrift store where, when we walk in, an employee turns the music down, smiling at me from across the aisles. A bookshop where the booksellers don’t mind him sitting at the little kid’s table for half an hour, even when he unpacks a bag of Lego.
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As a father, I will pry the world apart with my bare hands if I have to, if it means he can find a way through. But outside of these specific situations, I’ve never liked talking about my son’s autism with other people.
Growing up as a marginalised person, particularly as an adopted person of colour who didn’t really fit into any one space, a lot of irritating questions regularly came my way. “Where are you from, from?” perhaps being the favourite.
And while I had plenty of canned responses, none were ever satisfying, and I was always tired. No one likes to continuously explain their existence.
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It wasn’t until I was an adult that I learned the concept of “it’s not your job to educate everyone”. It quickly became a core part of how I walk through the world. I was frustrated. I didn’t want to keep justifying myself to people who didn’t understand.
They could just go Google. It’s not that hard to learn about adoption, or what being a transracial adoptee means. Why waste my time, why make me cut myself open for you?
When our son was first diagnosed, there were a lot of questions from family and friends. Most of them were genuinely well-meaning, but as he grew older, some of them started to feel more and more ignorant and intrusive. I got angry. I snapped on phone calls, out at dinner. And that shield went up once again.
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It wasn’t my job to educate everyone.
But in the last two years, something has changed. My child started going to school, then started wanting to go to the park, to playgrounds. He was trying to be social, even without the words. And in that world that tries to make neurodiverse folks bend and change, he deserved every opportunity, every run on a slide, every jump in a splash pad. A classroom, a summer camp. A childhood.
Then the questions started to happen again.
But they weren’t coming from the adults. The other parents mostly looked at us silently, from the corner of their eyes, as I showed up with my kiddo in a wagon while the rest of their children walked; or when he jumped around as their kids sat still; or when he got wildly upset over someone touching his backpack and had to unpack the entire thing so he could make sure everything was just the way he needed it to be.
The side eyes and furrowed brows are seared in my brain. Even if they don’t recognise me at the local grocery store, I sure remember them. I’m a father first and a Scorpio second.
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So no, the questions didn’t come from those adults. They came from their kids.
“Hi, are you his Dad?”
“Why do you take him everywhere in that wagon?”
“What’s wrong with him?”
“Why doesn’t he talk?”
“He won’t play with me, why not?”
“Why does he keep spinning around like that?
“How can I help?”
At 6 or 7 years old, they were full of questions, but they were also full of empathy. Between drop off and pick up at school, at neighbourhood block parties, and at this year’s summer camp, little kids frequently asked these gentle questions, sometimes while a nearby parent tried to shoo them away or tell them what they were asking was inappropriate.
Maybe Past Me would have felt the same. The part of me that insisted “it’s not my job to educate everyone”. But I think that changes when the person you’re trying to educate people about can’t do it for themselves. When you have a chance to alter the world for your child, even a little bit.
So, I started to answer the questions. Just a quick sentence here or there.
“Oh, well he’s autistic. He experiences the world in another way.”
“Sometimes he gets overstimulated, and moving around helps. It’s called stimming.”
“It’s called being nonverbal. Words are hard, but he does communicate.”
“He experiences sensory things differently. So touching is sometimes very uncomfortable.”
And so on. My responses were always met with a thoughtful look, a smile. An “I want to try that!” and a kid spinning around themselves, arms stretched out in the morning sun.
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I’m hopeful, staring down second grade. He’s got great teachers and a great community. And there are kids with empathy everywhere, even if some of the adults have lost it over the years.
Where I once thought it wasn’t my job to educate everyone, now I wish that more people would ask these questions in the gentle, well-meaning way kids do. That instead of the stares and the whispers, they would be curious and brave, like children who only want to understand.
We all know – or know of – a couple who broke up because only one of them wanted children, even if that couple is just Sofía Vergara and Joe Manganiello.
Whether or not to become parents is one of the most important issues for couples to align on – and when they disagree, it can understandably be their undoing.
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But life is never that straightforward, and in some cases, one person in the couple can sometimes change their mind about having kids. The other may even make the case to try and “convince” them to reconsider. This sometimes works out for them and sometimes doesn’t, but it’s certainly a fine line to tread.
“Deciding to have children isn’t something anyone should be pushed into,” Teresha Young, an international wellness and relationship coach told HuffPost.
“If a couple talks things through openly and honestly, and a partner decides of their own accord that they now want children, it can be a natural, healthy and positive shift. This often comes from finding common ground as a team, sharing hopes, and imagining a future together.”
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We’re using the term “convincing” with a large helping of salt here, because this isn’t about coercion or putting pressure on a partner who simply does not want children. It’s much more nuanced than that.
“If anyone is being emotionally manipulated, guilt-tripped or blackmailed into parenthood, that’s a recipe for disaster,” Young said.
“No one should be forced into making such a significant life decision. That kind of pressure can breed resentment, bitterness, emotional disconnection and withdrawal. It might not surface straight away, but over time it can chip away at the relationship.”
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In an ideal world, dating experts would typically advise that people start talking about whether or not they want kids in the long term in the first few dates.
“The conversations should begin with discussing your positive childhood memories, what you loved about how you were raised, and then transition into what you may do differently with your kids,” Spicy Mari, a relationship expert featured on Netflix’s Sneaky Links and founder of The Spicy Life, told HuffPost.
These conversations, Mari said, should take place whether you’re in your 20s or your 40s, especially if you know that you feel strongly one way or the other.
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“If anyone is being emotionally manipulated, guilt-tripped or blackmailed into parenthood, that’s a recipe for disaster.”
– Teresha Young, international wellness and relationship coach
Still, people often find themselves in a long-term relationship where they don’t align with their partner on the kids question, whether they didn’t discuss it until they were already invested or one person changed their mind along the way. In this case, Young said to start with curiosity about your partner’s position.
“This is not about proving who is ‘right,’” the expert said. “It’s about listening with empathy, respecting each other’s perspectives, and exploring whether there’s room for alignment without pressure or guilt.”
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If these conversations don’t yield any movement on either side, the couple will have to consider whether or not to continue the relationship given this information.
For obvious reasons, this isn’t a decision to take lightly. “Every child deserves to grow up in an environment that feels physically, emotionally and psychologically safe,” said Young. “For that to happen, both people need to genuinely want to become parents. If there’s hesitation or a lack of shared desire, there’s a risk of creating a situation where a child may not have the best chance to thrive.”
HuffPost spoke to people who say they felt they were “convinced” by their partner to have children, whether or not their relationship worked out in the end. Here’s what they told us.
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1. The conference bargain
“My husband and I have been together for the past 10 years. On our second date, he said he was looking for something serious and wanted to know if I was looking for the same. I was too busy in my life to invest myself emotionally in a relationship without direction so I gave us a chance.
When I was younger I did not know I wanted children. It wasn’t until the opportunity to have children presented itself that I knew having children would be a natural next step for me. My husband did not have a strong opinion about having children or not having children. He has two children from a previous marriage, so he did not have a sense of urgency.
[He] changed his mind about having a child with me when I was accepted to speak at the International Peace Research Association’s conference in Sierra Leone. He was concerned I would not be safe [as an Iranian American psychologist] traveling to Sierra Leone and tried to convince me not to go. I didn’t see a point in putting my safety first unless I had a child, so my husband agreed to have a child with me.
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For this reason, I upheld my end of the bargain by cancelling my speaking engagement at the conference in Sierra Leone. [Today], our 8-year old is funny, dynamic and cute. Parenting is a challenge, yet it is a false dichotomy to think that just because something is not easy that it is not worthwhile.”
— Dr. Azadeh Weber
2. Slow build
“My wife didn’t want kids at first […] because she grew up watching family members who lost their independence after becoming parents. She loved her work, and the idea of trading that in for diapers and sleepless nights didn’t seem like a path she wanted to take. But I really wanted kids. I didn’t pressure her, though.
I started with small conversations, usually while we were doing something relaxed like walking or cooking. I’d say things like, ‘If we had a daughter, I think you’d be the one teaching her how to travel light and figure out any airport like a pro,’ or, ‘I think you’d be the kind of mum who keeps her style and independence, even with a kid on her hip.’
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I brought it into our day-to-day in a way that wasn’t heavy. I made changes to show her it didn’t have to look like what she feared. We blocked out full weekends just for ourselves, travelled often, and split all chores. I told her I’d take night shifts if we ever had a baby and that I’d make sure her work still came first when she needed it to. We even talked through how child care would work, who could help us, and what we’d keep doing as individuals and as a couple.
None of it happened in one moment. It was a slow build, always honest. Now we have two kids, and she’s still doing the work she loves, still travelling, still herself. I didn’t convince her with words. I helped her picture a life where having children added to what she already valued, not replaced it.”
— James Myers
AJ_Watt via Getty Images
Communication is key to making sure that you and your partner are on the same page about what parenthood (or staying child-free) means to you.
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3. Technical glitch
“We started dating in September 2020. We were together for a year before he allowed me to meet his daughter. (I always knew I wanted children.) I was one of three and from a very big family. I had also lost a child during a brutal miscarriage in my previous relationship. That kind of made it worse for me, I felt that the only way I could get over that was to have a child that survived. I was painfully aware that time was ticking by when we met so I told him during our first phone call that having children was a ‘dealbreaker’.
He didn’t explicitly tell me no. I think that he tried to on our first date, but I maybe didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want another child as he had raised his daughter on his own from [when she was] five months old. He didn’t want to have to go through all that again when he was just ‘getting his life back’. I didn’t want any stepchildren as that had been my previous situation, and I found it challenging. We blame the app that we met on because we both thought that we had put in our preferences for children.
José discussed it with a friend – his words were, ‘I don’t want another child, but I want her, so that is the price’. We didn’t explicitly have the conversation either that I didn’t want a stepchild, but I knew that his daughter came with him as a package. I think having our own child has brought the four of us together as a family. His daughter now has a baby brother, and he brings so much joy and light into our lives that we all bond over our love for him. It has been the best thing I’ve ever done. And my partner says, ‘I didn’t want this, but now I couldn’t be without him.’
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— Sophie Wilson
4. Baby bucket list
“In the beginning of our marriage, my husband worked at an adolescent psychiatric centre. He saw things there that were really hard on him. When I started bringing up that we should start trying, he would get silent and push the subject away. Then one day, he broke the news to me that he didn’t want kids anymore. I felt trapped, as I had always wanted to be a mum, and now I’m married to a guy who is taking that dream away from me.
The next day, I called my husband’s mum and shared with her what he had told me. My in-laws waited a few days and called my husband when they knew I wouldn’t be around. I’m so thankful for that phone call as I know my father-in-law told my husband, ‘You are going to lose her if you don’t give her children. It is your husband responsibility to do so.’
A few weeks later […] I sat down with my husband and explained to him that while I love him so much, I cannot be with someone that I resent for the rest of my life. That was the turning point for us. He finally opened up about the things that he saw at the psychiatric centre and how it scared him to have kids. He told me, ‘I will give you kids, but I just need some more time to get over what I saw.’
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Time – OK, I can work with that! We had time. We were only 26 at this point! We worked on a ‘Baby Bucket List’ of things that we wanted to accomplish before we started trying to have kids. The last thing we had on our Baby Bucket List was to go skydiving together. In the plane 10,000 feet up, I looked at him and said, ‘This is the last thing.’
Two months later, we went out for a Christmas Eve dinner, just the two of us. It was there that he looked at me and said, ‘I’m ready. Thank you for waiting.’
We now have two kids, a boy who is 12 and a girl who is 10, and it is wild to me that the scared 20-something guy is the same guy who is helping me raise our kids. Our kids are so lucky to have him as a dad, and I am so blessed to have him as a husband.”
