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Dating Expert Shares How To Get Over The End Of A Situationship

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The famous saying may go “it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, but clearly poet Alfred Lord Tennyson had never been in a situationship.

Yup, a situationship, defined as “a romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established” can be absolute brutal when it comes to an end, but why?

Fortunately dating and relationship coach Sabrina Bendory has come to the rescue on TikTok to explain why it hurts so damn much and how to bounce back with your self-esteem still in tact.

“Getting out of a situationship can sometimes be harder than getting over a long term relationship because it’s the death of potential,” the pro explained to her 145k followers.

“Potential always looks so much prettier than reality and it also gives this added level of pain that [the other person in the situationship] didn’t even want to give it a real shot to see what was there.”

Sound familiar? You’re certainly not alone. But before you send that huge ranting text to the other person, Bendory has some steps to follow in order to move on with your head held high (even though everything hurts like hell).

1. Accept that they weren’t your person

It sounds cliched but Bendory really talks sense – the right person will want to be with you.

“You didn’t do anything wrong here, there just wasn’t enough in the first place and that’s not a loss – not everyone’s a match and that’s okay,” she urges.

2. Be kind to yourself

Yup, it’s really easy to start being hard on yourself and think you’re being OTT by being hurt but honestly, you’re only making things harder for yourself – you’re allowed to be sad.

Bendory explains: “I know you feel stupid for being so sad that it’s over, but your hurt is valid – this was a loss and loss is painful.

“You felt excited about something and then disappointed when it didn’t come to be – who wouldn’t be disappointed by that?”

And before you start blaming yourself for the end of the situationship, put the brakes on.

“It’s not what happens to us but the stories we tell ourselves about what happened that determines whether we suffer or whether we grow – if you say to yourself ‘well he left me because I’m not good enough’ then that will become wired in and that becomes part of your story,” she adds.

By repeating these thoughts and making it a part of your story, you’ll carry this narrative straight into your next relationship, Bendory warns, so rather than be mean to yourself, you can assert over and over that it didn’t work out because the person wasn’t right for you.

3. Ask yourself ‘what did I learn here?’

As painful as disappointment is, every time you’re faced with it, you’re given a chance to pause and reflect on what you’ve learnt.

“You felt an intense pull to the other person – but why? What did they represent to you, what needs did they fulfil?” asks Bendory.

“When we feel this intense magnetic pull towards someone else, it’s usually more than us than it is about the other person.”

Oooof – hard truths much?

4. Fill your life up

If you’re guilty of obsessively thinking about the other person now that the situationship has drawn to a close – that’s okay, but it’s time to help yourself.

Bendory explains: “Obsession grows in vacant space – if you keep obsessing over what went wrong, then you need to stop, you will just keep driving yourself crazy.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, there just wasn’t enough there to sustain a relationship. Instead of dwelling redirect your focus onto something else, think about something you’re excited about or something that brings you joy.”

Post-situationship self deprecation? We don’t know her.

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‘I Want To Move To New Zealand, But My Husband Wants To Stay’

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You’re reading Love Stuck, where trained therapists answer your dating, sex and relationship dilemmas. You can submit a question here.

In a relationship, you won’t always share the same desires as your partner. Your partner might want to go on holiday for two weeks whilst you’d prefer if the holiday was for seven days. Perhaps you want to have three children but your partner wants to have one.

Or you want to move to another country, but your partner doesn’t think this is the best idea. This is the issue for this week’s reader. Harriet.

“I’m a 73-year old woman and want to move to New Zealand where my daughter and granddaughter live. My husband of 30 plus years wants to stay. Do I go or do I stay?” she asks.

Should she make the move to New Zealand without her partner? Or should she stay in the UK?

Counselling Directory member Kirsty Taylor suggests that Harriet considers the pros and cons of moving her life across the world without her husband. “It might be useful to actually make a list of all the reasons to go, and all the reasons to stay,” she adds.

What would you say to this reader?

“There can be strong emotional reactions when someone you love dearly is moving far away, and it’s a very normal response to consider if life would be better being nearer to those you love the most,” Taylor says.

“However, there is a long marriage and partnership to consider here too. I would like the reader to reflect on her marriage and how much it means to her, to have a good honest period of reflection on what she wants her future to look like and who she most wants to be in it.”

Counselling Directory member Paula Coles thinks it’s understandable that Harriet would want to live closer to her grandchildren. However she says “it’s important that lots of thought should be out in to huge decisions such as this, partly because it affects many individuals in both the nuclear and extended family systems.”

Coles is also curious about Harriet’s current life. “Is she perhaps feeling a lack of purpose that she hopes the daughter and granddaughter can give her?

“How might she also find purpose in her current life through friends and activities, which for many have been dreadfully affected by the pandemic and the strain that has put on many people in the last few years.”

How can she weigh up if she should move away?

Taylor thinks Harriet could benefit from a little bit of space and time to really consider this decision. “It might be useful for her to write a list of all the pros of moving to New Zealand and then all the cons of this decision.

“I think the reader could map out her future by writing it down. She could spend some time imagining what she wants from the rest of her life – will living near her daughter without her husband give her enough joy to sustain a life away from her husband? What does her daughter imagine this life to look like?”

It could put a strain on the relationship if Harriet relies on her daughter for all of her social needs.

“Has there been some conversation about the practicalities of this decision if she goes ahead with it, in terms of finance, where to live, healthcare, leaving friends, potentially living alone?” Taylor asks.

“Ultimately, the gut is our guide to decision making. The reader needs to be clear about what her gut is telling her. Regardless if the decision might cause some pain and difficulty, her gut might already have the answer.”

How can she deal with this issue with her partner?

Ultimately, Harriet needs to have a long discussion with her partner. “She could try and find out his reasons for not wanting to go, and see if there is a way to come to a mutual agreement or to manage his fears and worries about a move and find a way to make a plan together,” Taylor says.

Taylor believes that she should have an honest and truthful conversation with her husband about why she is considering to move. “There may be a bigger issue in the relationship that needs some gentle navigation.”

Her desire to move could also be a sign of deeper unhappiness or frustration. “People often look at their lives at certain points and want to make some changes,” Taylor adds.

“There may be a way of finding a middle ground – half a year in NZ, half a year in the UK. Ultimately, this issue needs some careful and considered navigation to come to an outcome that makes sense for the reader’s future happiness.”

Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.

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How To Keep Perishable Food Fresh For As Long As Possible

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With food prices skyrocketing and the very food-centric festive season upon us, it makes sense for budget-minded home cooks and shoppers to find ways to get the most mileage out of their weekly grocery hauls.

While shelf-stable groceries (like canned goods) are designed for longevity, fresh items like fruits, vegetables, meats and dairy products have an annoying tendency to spoil before they’re used, which can make it difficult to justify spending money on these ingredients (in spite of their health benefits and superior taste).

But with a basic understanding of how produce, dairy products and meat spoil, and a few simple storage safeguards, you can prolong the life of your perishable groceries and keep these nutritious, hearty and flavourful ingredients in your kitchen rotation.

Whenever possible, buy locally grown fruits and veg

This isn’t just for clout. While farmer’s markets and small food shops with direct connections to local farms often charge higher prices for produce than supermarkets, locally grown fruits and veggies stay fresh longer than imported versions, which can help to defend their prices.

“Shopping as locally as possible will help prolong freshness,” food scientist, recipe developer and cookbook author Tiffany Swan explains. “When your produce was harvested the day prior and you are buying it at a farmer’s market or food co-op, you know that it will last longer than food that has been in ships, trucks and distribution centres, since a good portion of the viable shelf life has been spent in getting the produce to you.”

Make sure your fridge is set to the proper temperature

When it comes to keeping perishable groceries fresh, the fridge is your most important tool. Make sure your fridge is set to a level that meets food safety standards, chef, educator and recipe developer Sally Cameron explained.

Food safety rules say that’s between 1.5 and 4.5°C, Cameron says. “If your refrigerator does not have a built-in digital readout, buy an inexpensive refrigerator [thermometer] to test it.”

And keep in mind that refrigerator door shelves often keep foods warmer than the rest of the fridge, since they tend not to be as well insulated.

Some produce is better stored at room temperature

While refrigerating fruits and vegetables will extend their freshness, certain produce items prefer to be stored at room temperature. (You should know by now that you should never refrigerate a tomato.)

A slightly warmer storage temperature keeps some fruits and veggies more flavourful and better-textured. Also, because refrigeration slows the process of decay, it helps to consider which fruits and vegetables start to break down on a cellular level faster than others.

Savannah Bradenfood, a scientist with Apeel, gives a shout-out to citrus fruits like oranges, limes and lemons as examples of those that take longer to rot.

“Fresh lemons, for example, can be stored on your counter for many weeks before [the decomposition] process starts to happen,” Braden explains.

In the case of starchy vegetables like potatoes, a cool (but not cold!) storage space keeps them fresh without compromising their texture.

“In terms of where to store, potatoes prefer to be cool versus cold, and refrigerators are cold,” Cameron says. “A cool pantry prolongs their life, as the starches convert to sugar more slowly, extending their life” for weeks or months. Refrigeration can make potatoes “last for a month or longer,” she adds, but the flavour and mouthfeel might not be worth that extended lifespan.

Give leafy greens the chance to dry before storing them in the fridge

Lettuce, kale and other salad greens are notorious for spoiling quickly, and a lot of that has to do with their somewhat contradictory reactions to moisture. “Grocery stores are notorious for ‘misting’ their produce with automatic water sprayers. The idea is to make the food look fresh and appetising; however, it actually has the opposite effect and causes produce to degrade much faster,” explains Lisa Lotts, the recipe developer behind Garlic & Zest.

In order to remove the excess water from your greens, Lotts recommends “laying leafy greens like kale and lettuce out to dry for about 15 minutes and then wrapping them lightly in a paper towel before putting them back in the plastic bag. The paper towel will absorb excess moisture so the produce doesn’t go bad prematurely.”

Bagged salad may be convenient, but it won't last as long as a fresh head of lettuce that you wash and chop yourself.

Jeff Greenberg via Getty Images

Bagged salad may be convenient, but it won’t last as long as a fresh head of lettuce that you wash and chop yourself.

Droplets of water on leafy greens can cause premature spoiling (which is why it’s also advisable to wait to rinse your greens until right before you plan to use them).

But here’s the contradictory part: leafy greens actually shouldn’t be stored in a low-humidity refrigerator drawer, as a lack of moisture in the air will speed the wilting process. Instead, “the ideal setting for leafy greens is a higher-humidity environment,” Lotts says. Use the controls on your fridge to set a crisper drawer to higher humidity, and that will serve as an excellent storage spot for lettuce, kale, arugula, and fresh herbs to retain their crispness and flavour.

Bagged salads spoil more quickly than full heads of greens

Speaking of salad greens, it’s often appealing to save time by picking up a bag of pre-rinsed and chopped greens. But if you want produce with longer-term freshness, bagged salads aren’t the way to go.

“It’s more work to buy a head of lettuce, wash it and dry it yourself,” Cameron notes. But this method will give you lettuce that often lasts longer and stays fresher.

Store fresh herbs the same way you’d store freshly cut flowers

Fresh herbs offer home cooks an easy way to brighten up a dish, but opening up a crisper drawer only to find shriveled, wilted, browned leaves of basil, rosemary or thyme is a sadly common disappointment.

Lotts has an easy solution to the rotten herb problem. “For fresh herbs, snip the ends of the herbs with kitchen scissors and put them in a glass jar filled halfway with fresh water,” she says. “Then cover the herbs with a plastic vegetable bag from the grocery store and keep the fresh herbs on a shelf in the refrigerator. They will last for a week or more when you use this method… it’s like keeping a bouquet of flowers alive.”

Bananas produce ethylene, which can make other product ripen faster.

Elena Popova via Getty Images

Bananas produce ethylene, which can make other product ripen faster.

Keep ethylene-producing items separate from ethylene-sensitive produce

There’s a great reason most refrigerators include more than one crisper drawer: Different types of produce have different storage needs, and certain fruits and vegetables can actively derail the freshness of their crisper-drawer neighbors. Specifically, you want to be wary of fruits and veggies that produce ethylene, an organic chemical that accelerates the ripening process.

Common ethylene-producing foods include apples, apricots, avocados, bananas (ripe), blueberries, cantaloupe, cranberries, figs, green onions, grapes, kiwi, mangos, nectarines, papayas, peaches, pears, plums, potatoes and tomatoes, Cameron said.

When you store ethylene producers alongside non-ethylene-producing fruits and veggies that are particularly sensitive to ethylene (like leafy greens, berries, asparagus and carrots), the ethylene will cause the sensitive produce to spoil more quickly. It’s best to keep ethylene producers and non-ethylene producers in separate crisper drawers.

Store dairy and meat products in the coldest part of your fridge

Because meat and dairy products count among the priciest items on any grocery list, there’s a lot of incentive to prevent these foods from spoiling before their time. When it comes to keeping dairy products and meat fresh in the fridge, it’s all a matter of location, location, location.

“Meat and dairy are pretty perishable. The best way to prolong the storage of these items is to store them in the coldest part of your fridge. Don’t put that milk in the door!” says Tiffany Swan, a professional chef and the food scientist behind Salt & Sage.

Swan also urges you to keep these foods in their original packaging. Introducing air and potential airborne microbes when transferring to another container is likely to shorten the shelf life. Also, she says, retail packaging is usually tested to make sure it maintains freshness.

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Time Flies By As We Get Older. This Is Why It Feels That Way

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For many people, 2022 went by in a blink – doesn’t it feel like it was just January? But for others, especially children, last year’s holidays may seem like eons ago.

There’s a reason why you may feel like the years moved slowly when you were a kid, but zoom by now. Experts say our perception of time greatly changes as we age, which makes certain periods feel like they go by quickly.

“Our perception of days, weeks, years and that kind of time seems to be especially influenced by our perspective: Are we in the moment experiencing it, or are we looking backward on time?” says Cindy Lustig, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan.

She added that the perception of time is also influenced by memory and how much you’ve experienced. For an eigh-year-old, a week is a big portion of their life. For an 80-year-old, a week is a much smaller portion of their life, which contributes to the feeling that it went by quickly.

Looking back on time plays into this feeling of acceleration

A day in the life of a retired 80-year-old may feel like it’s going by more slowly than that of an eight-year-old who is busy at school. However, when both people look back on a month or a year, that period of time will seem like it went by faster to the older person.

This is for a number of reasons. For the 80-year-old, their life probably doesn’t look too different than it did when they were 78 or 79, “so, in that case, they’re looking back on fewer events,” Lustig says. “When you’re looking back, the less rich your representation is, the more it’s going to seem like the time went by quickly.”

In other words, our brains lump time together when the days or weeks are similar. So for an 80-year-old who largely does the same thing every day, the year is going to blend together in their mind and feel like it went by quickly.

The new and exciting things in a day are what make the days and months feel different, and thus set them apart in our minds.

As you age, your perception of time changes, which is why years may feel like they fly by.

Halfpoint Images via Getty Images

As you age, your perception of time changes, which is why years may feel like they fly by.

Changes to your routine can also affect how fast the years seem to go by

“Our brains are designed to record change,” says Adrian Bejan, a professor of mechanical engineering at Duke University and the author of the recent book Time And Beauty: Why Time Flies And Beauty Never Dies.

The many experiences young children have in a day (such as learning new things at school, going to ballet class or visiting a new friend’s house) contribute to the notion that time is more plentiful and more activities can fit into that time. Therefore, when looking back, time may feel slower.

This can apply to adults, too. When we look back on a time period that was filled with lots of new experiences, “we see [a] large expense of events and memories, and that makes it seem like time stretches out … and it feels very long,” Lustig says. If you’re not introducing new patterns into your life, time can feel like it’s going by much quicker overall.

Some experts think that how our brain absorbs images impacts our perception of time

How we process what we see can also influence how we view time, Bejan says. Our brains are trained to receive many images when we are infants. Because we’re absorbing so many new images as kids, it may feel like months and years are longer.

As adults, “the brain receives fewer images than it was trained to receive when young,” Bejan says. Therefore, we feel like time went by more quickly. In other words, there are physiological factors at play that influence our perception of time ― namely, the older we get, the faster it feels.

Trying out new things can help it feel like time went by more slowly.

Maskot via Getty Images

Trying out new things can help it feel like time went by more slowly.

While you can’t slow time, you can do things to feel like it’s moving a little slower.

Bejan says many older people ask him how they can slow down time, “because everybody wants to live longer [and has] the urge to do more and better things with the time that is available.”

He said one way to do this is to experience things that are new and out of your usual regimen.

This could mean picking up a childhood hobby (like dancing or violin), taking an overnight trip to a city you’ve never visited or signing up for a cooking class. Learning new things is another good way to make your time feel longer when you look back on your life, he said.

Bejan stresses the adage “variety is the spice of life”: you should get out of your routine and take advantage of the time you have, which will only help make you feel like your year had more time to fill, he says.

Living a routine-only life makes the year fly really fast, he adds.

Lustig notes that being fully engaged and “in the moment” can make those moments seem to last longer. In fact, laboratory studies show that mindfulness exercises can stretch our perception of time, she says. So don’t try to focus on multiple tasks at once. Instead, just focus on the experience at hand.

“None of us know how much time we have, but, interestingly, we do actually have a lot of control over how we experience that time,” Lustig says. “So I encourage everybody to make the most of the time that you’ve got.”

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My Children Are Autistic, Here’s How We Make Christmas Wonderfully Unique

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The festive period can be overwhelming for lots of people, but for autistic children it can be a particularly fraught time of year.

The disruption to their routine, sensory overload, and overwhelming influx of new information can be stressful and sometimes even distressing, says Michelle Myers, who works for Great Minds Together, a charity supporting young people with special educational needs and disabilities (SEND).

Myers – who is an autistic woman and mum to autistic children – suggests all of this can add up to trigger episodes of increased levels of anxiety, fluctuation of needs and different behaviours as children process these changes.

“It can be a really difficult time,” she tells HuffPost UK, “but there are steps that parents can take to better support them and reduce the overall stress of the festive period.”

Here are her tips for navigating the festive period if your child is autistic or has additional needs.

Don’t be afraid to create new traditions

“Be unapologetically you and do what brings your family peace and joy this Christmas,” says Myers.

Whether it’s leaving presents unwrapped under the tree because your child has a sensory sensitivity to wrapping paper, or you let them eat their favourite pizza instead of Christmas dinner, her main piece of advice is to “do what works for you”.

“Create new traditions,” she suggests. “Neurodiverse families are wonderfully unique so it makes sense that our Christmas should be just as wonderfully unique as we are.”

Do plan ahead

Sticking to daily routines can be so important for autistic children (and adults!), so Myers advises keeping as many routines in place as possible over the festive period – and that includes Christmas Day.

“Some routines for autistic people are as essential to us as breathing,” she says, “so to have too many changes can really impact us.”

When things do have to change, it’s important to plan as far in advance so you can give your child as much warning as possible – “and don’t change too many things at once,” she adds.

Don’t say ‘yes’ to events you know will be stressful

It’s so important to advocate for the needs of your child – and that means saying no to events that you know will be stressful.

“Tell Aunty Irene that hugs are a no-go. Ask school for a timetable of events. You owe no explanations to anyone,” says Myers.

She says autistic people deserve to have their “often-hidden needs accepted and respected”, otherwise they can fall into the trap of feeling the pressure to conform, which can lead to masking, she adds, “which is never a good thing for anyone”.

Masking is where a person hides or disguises parts of their selves in order to fit in. According to the National Autistic Society, it might involve suppressing certain behaviours autistic people find soothing, or mimicking the behaviour of other people in order to get by in social situations.

Do use visual supports

Visual supports such as lists, calendars, text messages or even photos can help autistic people prepare for new experiences, suggests Myers. So don’t be afraid to roadmap what Christmas – and the following days – will entail.

“It helps us to process time, sequence activities and even reduces our anxiety,” she says.

Any kind of visual support you can provide will act as a sat nav to their day. This helps them see the steps they need to take, prevents them from getting lost, and maps out the time it will take (so they can see it will end eventually).

All of this can contribute to preventing them from getting overwhelmed.

Do remember to schedule time for them to recharge

“Imagine we all have a battery inside us. Some things we do drain our battery, and some things we do charge our battery. December brings with it lots of things that can quickly deplete autistic children’s batteries,” says Myers.

Whether it’s the carols, the flashing lights, the social interaction with family members you haven’t seen since this time last year.

“We need to remember that their little batteries may need more opportunities to charge at this time,” says Myers. So do schedule time for your family to rest amid the mayhem of the festive period – even on Christmas Day.

“Take a sensory bag, ear defenders, a dark den, their favourite snack or blanket, whatever works for them,” she adds.

Don’t be too hard on yourself

One thing it’s important for parents to remember is that it’s ok if things don’t turn out perfectly at Christmas. You’re doing the best you can.

Myers recalls how one year her Christmas tree collapsed and thousands of pine needles fell off it. “I was devastated,” she recalls. “I cried so much I convinced myself that Christmas was over.

“But then my son came bounding down the stairs and proceeded to swish through the dry dead pine needles like fallen autumn leaves – my tears turned to hysterical laughter streaming down my face.

“All was not lost, right there in that moment we found joy and laughter. We shared such a moment together in the chaos of my fallen tree that I realised that for us, Christmas was always going to look a bit different to everyone else’s – and that was OK.

“In fact, it was more than ok, it was amazing.”

For more information on supporting children with SEND including informative blogs and podcasts visit www.greatmindstogether.co.uk.

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Christmas Pay Dates Are Screwing Us More Than Usual This Year

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With both Christmas and New Year’s Day falling on a Sunday this year, the following Monday and Tuesday become bank holidays – which means the day you get paid will be moving.

The majority of companies opt to move their December pay date forward in this situation, which can feel like a real festive treat for employees at the time.

But come January, when you’ve potentially had 40 days or more between pay cheques, the disruption to your usual budget can really hit hard.

Every year when this happens, you’ll see tweets on social media with people joking about January pay day feeling a million years away.

But with the cost of living so high this year and people’s finances already at breaking point, for many households this will be no laughing matter.

All this means that preparing for the inevitable Christmas pay gap is even more essential than usual.

If you’ve already been paid this month, try to avoid using those early funds to pay for last-minute Christmas gifts and extras that aren’t essential.

To help with budgeting, Mat Megens, CEO of money-saving app HyperJar, recommends dividing your December salary into five as soon as it hits your account.

“If you’re used to a monthly salary lasting four weeks you can come unstuck when you’re paid earlier than usual in December,” he tells HuffPost UK.

“So make sure you divide what you have by five (depending when you’re paid) – not four – to get you through to that next pay cheque at the end of January.”

If you receive Universal Credit alongside your salary, a shift in pay date can also change the benefits you receive – something to factor into any budgeting.

Anna Stevenson, senior benefits specialist at the charity Turn2us, explains: “Unfortunately, if you’re on Universal Credit, this can cause problems, because it might look to Universal Credit that you got twice as much pay in the month as you actually did.

“Your employer is supposed to report pay on the usual pay date, even when they pay early but it might be a good idea to remind them of this and point them to the HMRC guidance.”

If you think your Universal Credit payment has been cut in January, Stevenson advises contacting the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) to explain what has happened.

“If it has been cut, be sure to ask for an RTI (real time information) dispute,” she says.

“This means that the DWP can investigate and re-assign your missing payment to your next month’s payment. It is worth noting this can take over a month to rectify, so it is best to talk to your employer before you are paid to prevent this happening.”

Others have shared their own tips on social media, such as setting some money aside and ‘paying yourself’ on your usual pay date.

Megens provides us with these further tips for staying on top of your budget when your pay date has moved:

Swap brands for supermarket own-label
Food is one of our biggest monthly expenses. You can save around £40 in January by swapping big brands for supermarket own-label equivalents.

Forget regifting… resell instead
If you don’t have gift receipts, head to auction sites like eBay, or try Depop and Vinted for clothes and accessories, to get some cash back in your pocket in January.

Have a strategy for the sales
Set yourself a limit if you’re spending in the Boxing Day and New Year sales and don’t get carried away. Only buy what you’ve planned for, and double check the price now so you’re sure you’re getting a genuine bargain.

Take control: plan for pressure points
Use any downtime between Christmas and New Year to take your first budgeting steps into 2023. Plan for the year’s financial pinch points – those big expenses that come up every year, like house insurance, holidays and Christmas. Note when they’re due and how much you need to start putting aside to pay for them and avoid getting into debt.

And if you’re doing all that and you’re still worried about money, Stevenson says it’s worth checking whether you’re eligible for state support.

“Millions of people miss out on thousands of pounds each year because they’re not sure what they’re entitled to,” she says – urging people use the free Turn2us Benefits Calculator to find out what extra help may be available to you and your family at this time.

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This Is Why Some Kids Are Terrified Of Santa – And What To Do About It

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If you’ve taken your child to see Santa recently, chances are they’ll have reacted one of three ways: they’ll have been shy and a bit unsure, they’ll have been super excited and loved the experience, or they’ll have become really upset.

“If you’ve ever been to a Santa’s grotto it is very common to see kids responding fearfully when it’s their turn to see Santa,” says counsellor Chris Boobier. “The photos are not as parents expected, with many children in tears.”

Sometimes this fear of Saint Nick can spiral into something more. Year-on-year data reveals that Google searches for ‘Santaphobia’ have increased by 56% since last December, according to analysis by Crafted Beds, while searches for ‘fear of Santa’ have risen by 31%.

Why is Santa so scary?

If you think about it, it makes total sense that children would be wary of this strange man dressed in a bright red outfit with fake facial hair. Especially if they’ve been warned against interacting with strangers.

Then you’ve got all the additional storylines that surround Santa. The fact he watches over kids and knows if they’ve been naughty or nice, that he can squeeze down the chimney and drop presents into their bedrooms when they’re asleep.

“It completely goes against everything that is regularly taught about safety, causing conflicted feelings,” says Boobier.

On top of that, come December – heck, November – Santa is everywhere. “Now that you can write to Santa, get Santa to call you, go and see Santa, track him through the air, there is a lot ‘more’ of Santa than ever before and it can be overwhelming,” says the therapist.

“He changes size and shape, has different voices and it doesn’t quite add up: kids are smart and know something is afoot, but also believe what they are told.”

Then you’ve got the over-stimulating environment in which you usually find Santa – the bright lights, loud sounds and crowds of people at his grotto.

Combine that with a couple of years of not socialising much (thanks Covid) and it’s really no wonder more kids aren’t shaking in their boots on coming face-to-face with Mr Claus himself.

“We are in a post Covid world where children under four have not been socialised as much as before because of lockdowns,” says Counselling Directory member Claire Elmes. “This is feeding into many social difficulties, including visiting Santa.”

How to tell your child has a phobia of Santa

The point at which being scared of Santa turns into a full-blown phobia is usually after a negative experience has occurred and the child has linked this to Santa in some way. You might find, as a parent, that anything related to Santa or Christmas then triggers your child, causing a physical and emotional reaction.

You might even notice they start to react negatively to anyone wearing similar red coats, says hypnotherapist Penny Ling: “Our brain’s pattern match for danger. A person with a phobia of spiders will jump at a tomato stalk, so it stands to reason a child phobic about Santa will respond with fear around red coats and long white beards.”

Symptoms of Santaphobia could include your child feeling more anxious than usual, not wanting to go to bed on their own or having difficulty sleeping, says Boobier.

“They may want to avoid anything too ‘Christmassy’ like grottos or certain movies, and not talk about Santa. They may request stockings are not put in their room,” he adds.

Some children, on being faced with Santa, might become agitated and want to leave, adds Ling, who is a member of Hypnotherapy Directory. They might start crying or wet themselves if they are not taken out of the situation early enough.

If you’ve got this far, you’ve probably established that your child has a phobia of Santa – or at the very least, is uncomfortable by his presence. So what can you do about it?

Dos and don’ts for tackling Santaphobia

Do prepare your child for their trip to see Santa

Preparation is key ahead of a trip to see Father Christmas, says Claire Elmes. She recommends discussing what is likely to happen at the grotto and showing your child pictures of Santa ahead of it so they know and are prepared for what to expect.

“Explain that some children find him a bit scary and that’s ok, you will be with them and it is all safe,” she says. Sometimes it can be helpful to go with another child who is OK with Santa.

Don’t force them to sit on Santa’s lap

If you do get to the grotto and they become upset, don’t force them to sit on Saint Nick’s lap or have pictures taken, it’s not going to be enjoyable for the child or help their fear.

“Acknowledge their feelings,” suggests Elmes, “and accept they may not be ready. Gently encourage them to be a safe distance and observe others if possible.”

Boobier adds that parents might want to find other photo opportunities where their child can be themselves and be happy.

Don’t shame your child for being scared

Sometimes as parents it can be hard to put ourselves in our kids’ shoes and you might even tell your child to “stop being silly” because it’s “just Santa”. But Ling suggests this is unhelpful.

“Try to be encouraging, showing that other children are enjoying the experience and it’s just new for them,” she says.

Don’t make up stories about Santa to scare your child into behaving

Chris Boobier is also keen to convey that children begin to have awareness for make believe and reality between the ages of three and five, so anything up to the age of five could be completely real to them.

“The idea they are being watched and don’t want to be on the naughty list will feel very real,” he says. “Knowing to what depth our children believe this Christmas magic can help with pulling back on some on the ever-growing Christmas traditions we create (Elf on the Shelf, anyone?) and reduce the ongoing hype that Christmas has become.”

Elmes agrees: “As tempting as it is try not to use Santa as a bribe for being good (we’ve all been there!) telling children he is always watching can also be a bit scary.”

Do talk about their fears

Let your child tell you they are afraid of Santa and really listen to how they feel, allowing them time and space to explain why, suggest therapists.

“Whilst this can feel a bit sad for parents as they go to all the effort to make Christmas magical, listening and understanding how your child feels without dismissing their feelings is the key to helping your child cope at Christmas time,” Boobier adds.

“They may tell you what would feel better for them and some traditions could be altered as they grow up.”

Remember it probably won’t last forever

However you feel about your child’s response to Santa, Chris Boobier encourages parents to keep perspective: “Most children grow out of a fear for Santa past the age of five, depending on development progress, when they can confidently distinguish the difference between fantasy and reality – and they will become excited again about Santa Claus.”

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The Specials Lead Singer Terry Hall Dies Aged 63

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Terry Hall, the lead singer of The Specials, has died at the age of 63 following a short illness, the band has announced.

In a statement released on social media following his death, the Coventry ska-punk band paid tribute to “our beautiful friend, brother and one of the most brilliant singers, songwriters and lyricists this country has ever produced”.

The Specials were formed in Hall’s home city of Coventry in 1977.

During their time together, The Specials produced a string of hit records including Ghost Town, which reached number one and was hailed for its social commentary having been released during the riots across England in 1981.

The band split that year, after which Hall and two former bandmates went on to form Fun Boy Three.

Fun Boy Three achieved four UK top 10 singles during their time together, until Hall left the band in 1983 to form The Colourfield.

The band’s statement said: “It is with great sadness that we announce the passing, following a brief illness, of Terry, our beautiful friend, brother and one of the most brilliant singers, songwriters and lyricists this country has ever produced.

“Terry was a wonderful husband and father and one of the kindest, funniest, and most genuine of souls. His music and his performances encapsulated the very essence of life… the joy, the pain, the humour, the fight for justice, but mostly the love.

“He will be deeply missed by all who knew and loved him and leaves behind the gift of his remarkable music and profound humanity.

“Terry often left the stage at the end of The Specials’ life-affirming shows with three words…’Love Love Love’.

“We would ask that everyone respect the family’s privacy at this very sad time.”

Bandmate Neville Staples tweeted he was “deeply saddened” to hear about Hall’s death, saying: “We knew Terry had been unwell but didn’t realise how serious until recently. We had only just confirmed some 2023 joint music agreements together. This has hit me hard.”

He added: “In the music world, people have many ups and downs, but I will hang onto the great memories of Terry and I, making history fronting The Specials and Fun Boy Three together. Rest easy, Terry Hall.”

The Specials
The Specials

John Rodgers via Getty Images

After undertaking a variety of solo and collaborative projects, it was announced in 2008 that The Specials would be reforming for a number of tour dates and potential new music.

In September that year, Hall and five members of the band performed at Bestival music festival under the name Very “Special” Guests.

The Specials embarked on a 2009 tour to celebrate their 30th anniversary and in 2018 supported The Rolling Stones during a concert at Coventry’s Ricoh Arena.

In February 2019, The Specials released Encore, their first album of new material in 37 years.

Upon release, the album went straight to number one on the Official UK Album Chart, marking their first number one album, and the first time they had topped the charts since Ghost Town in 1981 and Too Much Too Young became a number one in 1980.

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12 Tales Of Play Dates Gone So, So Very Wrong

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There’s a bit of a wild-card element to every play date. You can control your own behaviour, and you may have attempted to teach your child how to behave as a guest in someone else’s home – or as a host in their own – but you can’t guarantee that your kid won’t spontaneously decide that today is the day to break all the rules.

The children may wander off while you’re attempting to make polite conversation with another parent, and just when you think how nice it is that they are playing together quietly, you suddenly realize that things have gotten too quiet.

We asked for tales of play dates gone wrong on HuffPost Parents’ Facebook page and elsewhere. Here are some of the wildest stories, lightly edited for readability.

A leaky situation

New York mum Kimberly Schwartz and her husband went to pick up their three-year-old from an after-school play date at a friend’s house. After they arrived, the adults chatted in the kitchen while the kids played upstairs. Then, “my husband pointed out a leak coming from the ceiling. The wall was yellow where it was leaking,” said Schwartz.

“My daughter was having so much fun she decided to opt out of using the bathroom and had wet herself in the exact spot upstairs where there was a gap in the molding. She had made it rain urine in their house. And now it’s all I can think of when I visit.”

An eerie glow

When Tammy Greenwood-Stewart of San Diego arranged a play date for her youngest child, then six, she bought glow sticks for entertainment. It worked, but “the two kids chewed the glow sticks,” Greenwood-Stewart said, “and their mouths, tongues, stuffed animals and bedding were all luminescent for hours.”

She said that the parents “Googled like crazy” but the kids were unharmed, adding that her child has since grown into an 18-year-old adult.

Playing referee

When her boys were 10 and eigh years old, Suzanne Brown of Austin, Texas, invited two brothers at those same ages to their house for a play date — but things quickly turned violent.

“Our guests got into such a horrible physical fight with each other that my husband actually had to physically separate them,” said Brown.

“The only way we could keep things from restarting was to move the younger boys to a different part of the house and keep them there.”

When Brown and her husband explained to the guests’ mother what had happened, she responded nonchalantly, “Oh, they get rowdy sometimes.”

Is that a wipe?

Lauren Woods of Washington agreed to babysit a friend’s three-year-old son at the boy’s house. Her own daughter was two at the time.

“He went to the bathroom by himself and said he didn’t need help, and naive person that I was, I believed him,” said Woods.

Later, when she entered the bathroom, Woods discovered that her charge had “gone number two and reached into his mom’s makeup to wipe himself.” When her friend texted to see if everything was going okay, Woods responded, “Yes, but I’m throwing your mascara away — please don’t try to retrieve it.“

Wisely, her friend texted back, “OK, I don’t want to know!”

When a play date is not a play date

Ashley Austrew of Omaha, Nebraska, once brought her kids to another family’s home for what she believed was a play date. She was invited to stay, but while the kids had fun playing, Austrew was subjected to what she generously called “a surprise MLM sales pitch.”

“I had to sit through a presentation about this mom’s multilevel marketing company and get pressured to buy things from her. I’m extremely introverted and really don’t know how to remove myself from awkward situations, so I just politely faked interest,” said Austrew. “It was painful.”

When the kids are playing together quietly, it's not always a good sign.

Paul Biris via Getty Images

When the kids are playing together quietly, it’s not always a good sign.

A dress-up surprise

Sarah Zimmerman of California was chatting with other parents in her living room when she realized that they hadn’t seen their children for a bit, and things were suspiciously quiet.

Then, “my kid came out from the back of our house wearing my teddy,” she said. “It had been in a nondescript gray bag on the upper shelf of my closet. Delightful.”

Keeping everybody safe

Leah Cate of Portland, Oregon, recalled that shortly after her two boys were placed with her home as foster children, the family learned that the pair had two sisters also in foster care.

“We invited the girls over for a play date as soon as possible,” said Cate. This meant four children in the house, ages 6, 4, 3 and 2.

In what Cate described as “the happy chaos of reuniting,” the children “locked us out of the house in front of their social worker, who had come by to check on us. She found us panicking on the porch.”

But the story has the happiest of endings. “We all coached the kids about how to unlock the door, the worker had a great sense of humour, the girls soon came to live with their brothers, and after being in care for six years we adopted them all,” said Cate, who added, “I’m tired just remembering.”

Feelin’ free

Keaton Erin Buster hosted a get-together at her home when her son was preschool age.

“It was summer, so we were all hanging out on the back deck enjoying a barbecue,” she remembered.

“My son announced that he needed to go to the bathroom. I told him ‘OK’ and thought nothing of it. The next thing I know, he’s dropped his pants and is peeing off the deck in front of everyone!”

Buster says she yelled: “Nooo! Not there!”

He son gave her a bewildered look and said: “Why?? You always let me do it!”

“I died of embarrassment twice in the span of about eight seconds,” said Buster.

What happens in the woods…

Canada-based Ashley Owens recalled a celebration for the end of the school year where her son “pooped in the woods instead of going inside to do his business.”

The act might have remained secret, but “one of his friends put it on the end of a stick and chased other kids around with it,” said Owens.

Don’t drink that!

HuffPost reader Rai Mitchell’s daughter was in elementary school when she hosted a sleepover with one of the girl’s friends.

“I walked around the corner to see the child mixing a ‘potion’ concoction consisting of cough medicine, mouthwash and soda that she had intended to give to my child to drink,” she said.

Mitchell was shocked; she had figured that the girls were old enough to know to stay out of the medicine cabinet. But while they had the know-how to open all the safety caps on the bottles, they lacked the wisdom to understand that actually consuming the potion was a bad idea.

Unfortunately, the evening ended badly when Mitchell called off the slumber party. The friend “went fully feral, lashing out and refusing to comply,” said Mitchell, who eventually calmed the child down and drove her home.

It’s the thought that Counts?

Daniela of Cambridge, England, shared that she took her two daughters, ages five and three, to a play date with several other girls.

“At the end of it, the mum who hosted us gave the guests … Christmas presents. My girls received one present to share,” she said.

“It was a present for the ‘family.’ A big drama followed by. My 3-year-old could not understand that it was a shared present, and my oldest wanted to carry it home by herself. They both cried all the way home.”

Me want cookie!

Another parent from Portland shared the story of an “impromptu” outdoor play date with their children, ages five and three, and a neighbour’s 3-year-old. One of their kids asked for a bite of the cookie that the neighbour child was holding — “and accidentally bit his thumb in the process. There was a little bit of blood.”

Of course, “the other mum was understandably upset,” perhaps not believing that the reader’s child had asked for the bite of cookie.

There were no further play dates between the families.

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New Christmas Songs For 2022: Our Verdict

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Pop fans – the time has come to start updating your Christmas playlists.

This year, we’ve really been spoilt, with some of the biggest names in music unveiling brand new festive offerings, including seasonal tunes from the likes of Lizzo, Sam Smith and Alicia Keys.

Fortunately for those who don’t feel like sifting through every single new song to sort out the “naughty” from the “nice”, we’ve done all the hard work for you.

Here’s our take on some of the biggest new Christmas releases for this year, starting with something very special indeed…

Lindsay Lohan – Jingle Bell Rock, feat. Ali Tomineek

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Smith","slug":"sam-smith","links":{"relativeLink":"news/sam-smith","permalink":"https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/news/sam-smith","mobileWebLink":"https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/news/sam-smith"},"relegenceId":2839254,"url":"https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/news/sam-smith/"},{"name":"Cliff Richard","slug":"cliff-richard","links":{"relativeLink":"news/cliff-richard","permalink":"https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/news/cliff-richard","mobileWebLink":"https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/news/cliff-richard"},"relegenceId":5940892,"url":"https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/news/cliff-richard/"},{"name":"Lindsay Lohan","slug":"lindsay-lohan","links":{"relativeLink":"news/lindsay-lohan","permalink":"https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/news/lindsay-lohan","mobileWebLink":"https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/news/lindsay-lohan"},"relegenceId":1076550,"url":"https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/news/lindsay-lohan/"},{"name":"Alicia 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Oh, Santa has been good to us this year. Not only is 2022 the year we finally got a Lindsay Lohan comeback in the wonderfully cheesy Netflix original Falling For Christmas, it also came with a bonus stocking filler in the form of a new musical offering from the criminally-underrated artiste.

What’s more, the track is a cover of the festive staple Jingle Bell Rock, in a nod to one of the most iconic scenes of Lindsay’s signature film, Mean Girls.

All in all, we’re very much here for her take on Jingle Bell Rock, and we enjoy what the musical team did in terms of bringing the song up to date without taking it too far away from the original. Still, we have had to deduct marks for the completely unnecessary addition of a rap verse (a bit of digging reveals Ali Tomineek originally rose to prominence on the Netflix talent search Rhythm + Flow, which may well explain how he came to be on the track in the first place).

Sample lyric: What a bright time, it’s the right time to rock the night away.

Our rating: 🎄🎄🎄

Alicia Keys – December Back 2 June

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