You’re Probably Not Asking Your Younger Relatives These Questions – But You Should

Posted on 14/03/2026 by Boris Clair

Baby boomers and Gen-Xers, we know younger generations are giving you a hard time these days. Your millennial and Gen Z relatives don’t always understand where you’re coming from or what you’ve experienced, and their stereotypes about your generation may seem undeserved.

If you’re craving deeper relationships with your younger relatives, one powerful way to bridge the gap is to ask thoughtful questions to get to know what matters to them and how you can best show up for them. Questions like these can open up a more fulfilling way of relating to each other.

We asked three experts on family dynamics to suggest meaningful questions to ask younger relatives, which they’ll deeply appreciate. And they may lead to you learning some important things about your loved ones. Win-win.

1. “How are things going?”

It may seem obvious, but asking this question in a way that shows you truly care about the answer can help your loved one open up.

“Family members tend to assume they know everything about one another,” Everett Uhl, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told HuffPost. “Asking open-ended questions encourages detailed responses rather than a yes/no or simple (good, fine) answer.”

Engaged listening will make all the difference in how the conversation goes. “If one continues to listen, stays curious and makes neutral statements (‘I support your position here; I totally agree with you; you are making total sense’), there is opportunity for continued dialogue with depth,” Uhl said.

“This benefits both parent and child as there will be deeper understanding between generations and each will understand the other’s inner world more.”

Family members might assume more about one another than they should — but asking questions and directly sharing can benefit everyone.

2. “Where do you see yourself in three years?”

Your younger relatives are in a different phase of their lives, which means that their days are very different, as are their goals for the short and long term. So asking about their hopes for the future can really help you understand where they’re coming from and figure out how you can support them no matter what stage they’re at.

“This question allows you as the parent to really see and be with your child in their life stage and understand what is important to them,” Uhl said. “This can lead to a back and forth about the life stage the adult child is in and if they are interested in moving to the next one, or if they are happy staying where they are a little longer.”

This question can replace more intrusive ones, such as “When are you getting married?” or “When are you having kids?” with empathy and curiosity. “This open-ended question lets the adult child share their wants, hopes and dreams about the future without the burden of pressure to be in a life stage by a certain age,” Uhl said.

3. “What does support look like to you right now?”

All three experts suggested you ask your younger relatives some version of this question – it’s that important for a thriving intergenerational relationship.

“This question does something quietly radical: It assumes that support is wanted and that the older relative is willing to provide it in whatever form is actually useful, not just the one they’re most comfortable with,” Saba Harouni Lurie, marriage and family therapist and founder of Take Root Therapy, told HuffPost.

“By asking rather than assuming, the older relative opens the door for the younger relative to be explicit, which is itself a form of respect. And for younger generations who have often felt like their needs were either invisible or inconvenient, simply being asked can be meaningful before a word of the answer is even spoken,” she continued.

Whatever the answer is – whether it be financial or emotional support or something else entirely – try your best to be open to it and to find ways to provide that support in a way that works for both of you.

4. “What am I missing?”

This is a winning question because it invites your child or younger relative to share what has perhaps felt difficult in your relationship or simply what’s important to them in life right now, and it demonstrates that you’re willing to look at your “blind spots” (because we all have them), said Harouni Lurie.

“The conversation that follows might surface moments the younger relative felt misunderstood or hurt and never knew how to bring up,” she added. “Or, it might open into bigger territory: the political climate, evolving values, the ways the world has changed in ways that aren’t always visible from the outside.”

Your family member will be grateful for your curiosity and open-mindedness.

Intentional open-minded conversations can deepen your relationships over time.

5. “Is there an expectation you feel I have of you that is weighing you down that I can release you from?”

We all grow up in families that have specific expectations of us in one way or another, whether these are explicit or implicit. Depending on our individual personalities and trajectories, though, some of these expectations can start to feel heavy – even if it’s totally unintentional.

“Expectations are the dirty word in parenting adult children,” said Catherine Hickem, a licensed clinical social worker. “They ruin relationships, damage trust, hurt a child’s self-worth, and place a burden on them that is not theirs to carry. They can put a child in the position of choosing between keeping peace with their parents or fulfilling their own needs, dreams, and desires.”

Knowing this, you likely want to help free your relative from any inadvertent expectations they may be living with, which is where this question comes in. When you ask, try your best to avoid getting defensive and listen with an open heart.

6. “Is there anything from our family’s history you want to understand better?”

We are all shaped by our family histories in big ways, and chances are your younger relatives have many questions about the values, events and traumas that have made up the generations before them.

“Younger relatives are often deeply curious about, and are being shaped by, family history that they were shielded from or handed down in incomplete or distorted form,” Harouni Lurie said. “Asking this question signals something important: that the older relative is willing to be honest, even about the hard things.”

Where previous generations might have preferred to leave the past in the past, younger generations are often highly introspective and want to better understand their family history.

“And with this question, the older relative becomes someone who wants to reckon with the past rather than guard a particular version of it,” Harouni Lurie added.

7. “What evidence do you need from me to know that I love you unconditionally?”

You love your children (or nephews or nieces, etc.). For you, that’s a given. But for them, they may need more hard proof than you think.

“Listen carefully to how your child responds to this question. Do you notice hesitancy? Defensiveness? Nervous laughter?” Hickem said. “Whatever their response, reinforce that nothing could change your love for them. But let me caution you on this: Do not say this if you are not certain you mean it. It is better to leave this question alone than to offer words you cannot stand behind.”

8. “Do you know what I really like about you?”

Loving your child or younger relative is one thing, but liking them for who they are is another.

“This may sound elementary, but when people are asked what their parents like about them, there is often a puzzled look or a joking response like, ‘I was the kid who didn’t keep them awake at night,’” Hickem said.

Being able to share the things you love and like about one another in an earnest, open way can be a powerful way to make your loved one feel seen and valued.

When asking this question, “parents should have a list ready in both their head and their heart of what they genuinely like about their child,” Hickem said. “Even if you have to reach back into childhood or adolescence to remember qualities you may not see clearly right now, look for the unique features that make them who they are.”

Asking this question and engaging in the conversation that ensues can help your loved one feel seen and valued, which in turn will naturally deepen your relationship.

9. “Is there any fear connected to our differences that we need to talk about?”

The socio-political climate today creates a huge rift between older and younger generations, something that has a significant effect on families. “We no longer know how to disagree without taking it personally or making the other person wrong or bad,” Hickem said.

Asking whether these differences between you and your younger relative cause them any fear gives “a parent the opportunity to clarify the difference between disagreeing about social issues, political concerns, or personal values and loving their child for who they are,” according to Hickem. “The relationship always matters more than the issue.”

Disagreeing on particular issues can feel really difficult, but it doesn’t mean you can’t have a healthy relationship that also includes disagreement. “Respect, compassion, sincere curiosity, and love can bridge differences,” Hickem said. “Parents may need to say, ‘I may not understand how you landed where you did, but I know you, I respect you, and I trust that you take these things seriously.’”

10. “How do you think we could have more fun at family gatherings?”

Many people end up dreading family gatherings because of their complex relational dynamics, but it doesn’t have to be that way. In fact, why have family gatherings at all if the guests don’t enjoy them? This question can encourage some beautiful dialogue about how to make family get-togethers occasions everyone looks forward to.

“We might not be able to take a family trip to Disney World anymore, but creating quality time and fun memories matters,” Uhl said. “This could allow for flexibility around who hosts during the holidays, roles that members play and/or contributions that family members provide. Sharing what would improve the overall experience or motivate family members to have more quality time together can strengthen the connection between generations.”

The Questions Your Boomer Relatives Wish You’d Actually Ask

Posted on 01/03/2026 by Boris Clair

There have always been generational conflicts, but the chasm between baby boomers (born between 1946 and 1964) and other generations after them seems particularly hard to bridge.

Between changing values, hyper-polarised politics, and the radical shift in financial stability and opportunity, it doesn’t take a genius to see why some younger individuals find it challenging to relate to their elders.

As challenging as it may feel sometimes, there’s a simple solution for those wanting to experience more closeness with their boomer relatives and to understand them better: ask more questions.

Simple curiosity, by way of a thoughtful question, can make people feel heard and respected – and can also help change your perspective on why someone you love thinks the way they do, why they are the way they are. That dialogue may prove to be one of the most rewarding ones you undertake.

Asking more questions is a great way to start the conversations you're longing to have with your loved one. — Asking more questions is a great way to start the conversations you’re longing to have with your loved one.

“In my work with families, I’ve noticed that older relatives are rarely waiting to be corrected,” Anna Marchenko, a licensed mental health counsellor and principal practitioner at Miami Hypnosis and Therapy, tells HuffPost.

“What they tend to want is to be understood in the context of the world they grew up in. These questions often slow conversations down in a way that makes real understanding possible.”

HuffPost asked family therapists to suggest some starter questions boomer relatives wish they’d get asked more – and they may appreciate having these conversations more than you could ever know.

‘What do you wish people asked you about more?’

If you’re new to opening this kind of dialogue with an older relative, the best start is often… to ask what they want to be asked. Yes, it’s a little like cheating, but this question in itself can lead the way to so much understanding on both sides.

This question “gets at what a parent may want to share more in their relationship with you,” Sarah Epstein, a marriage and family therapist who specialises in family dysfunction, told HuffPost. “Maybe they wish you asked about their health, their hobbies, their careers or their travels.”

For Epstein, this question can open the door to a new dynamic between your parent or older relative and you. “Asking shows an interest in not only having parents support you, but you to invest in them,” she said. “You can then lean into that more by asking about their current excitement and stressors.”

Remember: the point of asking questions in the first place is to allow your relative to feel heard, so open-ended and even apparently vague conversation starters work like a charm.

‘What was your family like when you were growing up?’

Imagine you were meeting a new friend for coffee. You are likely to ask questions about their upbringing. While you may already know the basics about your relative, like where they grew up and how many siblings they have, asking them about their family of origin is an amazing way to get to know them better – and even forge a new kind of relationship with them.

As well as the more general, “What was your family like?” Epstein also recommends asking more specific questions, such as, “What were your parents like?” or “Who in your extended family were you closest with and who were you not close with?”

“As their child, you only see their adult relationships, not the ones they experienced as children themselves,” Epstein said. “Asking these kinds of questions humanises parents to their children and other younger relatives, and gives parents a chance to tell their children more about themselves. It opens up possible vulnerable topics, like what felt good and what felt difficult in their upbringing and how they managed that.”

‘What did the world expect from you when you were young?’

This is an amazing question to get people to reflect on what the world’s expectations of them might have cost them – as well as any gifts they might have brought.

When asked this question, “people usually talk about pressure rather than nostalgia,” Marchenko said. “They describe growing up fast, being needed early, and making tradeoffs that were not optional. It helps younger relatives see that many values were shaped by necessity rather than preference.”

This line of questioning may also naturally lead into other similar revelations from your older relative, such as how systems of power worked in the environment they grew up in and what beliefs their upbringing created that they may have challenged later in life, says Marchenko.

You never got to know your parents or grandparents in certain ways — because you simply weren't there for it. But it's a perspective you won't want to miss out on. — You never got to know your parents or grandparents in certain ways — because you simply weren’t there for it. But it’s a perspective you won’t want to miss out on.

‘When you look at the world now, how does it feel to you?’

One of the greatest obstacles to creating mutually respectful relationships with our older relatives today is the stark difference in values and politics younger generations often have. But phrasing a question like this opens the door to curiosity rather than immediately creating defensiveness.

“This avoids debates about progress and invites reflection instead,” Marchenko said. “People speak about gains and losses at the same time, which allows disagreement without turning anyone into the problem.”

‘Is there anything you still feel responsible for passing on?’

“This reframes older generations as caretakers rather than obstacles,” Marchenko said. “The answers are usually less about advice and more about values, restraint, and hard-earned perspective.”

This is a great question because they may have previously avoided sharing their thoughts on this subject for fear of how they might be received. For you, hearing about how your relative views their potential legacy may also be eye-opening and perspective-shifting.

‘What feels good in our relationship right now? What doesn’t?’

In the same way that you may find some aspects of your relationship with your older relative difficult, they might too. If you can ask this question and receive the answer without getting defensive, the two of you might be able to work together to deepen the relationship and smooth over areas of discontent.

“When you ask straight out how the relationship feels, you can start to have open, honest discussions about how the relationship is going,” Epstein said. “It may turn out you each have things you love doing together, or discussing, that you can double down on. You may also identify things your relative has been feeling about the relationship that you can then work on together. The easiest route to clarity is gently, respectfully asking about the other person’s experience.”

This Trend Is Exploding Among Millennials And Gen Z – And Honestly, It’s Worth Celebrating

Posted on 31/01/2026 by Boris Clair

As more research emerges about the harmful health effects of alcohol, fewer people – namely, younger people – are consuming it.

According to a 2025 Gallup poll, 54% of American adults say they drink, the lowest percentage since Gallup started polling.

With fewer folks relying on alcohol as a social lubricant, a healthier way to interact with others has gained traction. Enter “daylife”, a term coined by the fitness social app Sweatpals.

“Daylife” refers to daytime social outings involving alcohol-free fitness as a way to meet new people with similar interests.

“It’s just the concept of using wellness, using movement as a way to meet, as a way to get entertainment and to socialise, versus relying on alcohol,” Sweatpals co-founder Salar Shahini told HuffPost.

People are certainly still using alcohol-fuelled gatherings to meet new people, whether at a happy hour or a full-on party. But it’s less popular among young millennials and members of Gen Z as they drink less than older generations.

Shahini thinks this shift is partly due to the Covid-19 pandemic. “During Covid, all we could do for a few years was get together outside and just move and work out.”

For younger generations, that type of activity became the norm, Shahini said. During the pandemic, at-home fitness equipment and at-home fitness apps also surged in popularity.

But now, community-based fitness such as Hyrox competitions (which are commonly team-based) and run clubs are only becoming more popular – proof that people are looking for community.

“And we’re going to see more of that,” Shahini predicted.

More and more young people are turning to social gatherings that don't center alcohol. — More and more young people are turning to social gatherings that don’t center alcohol.

“Daylife” allows people to make new friends without centering alcohol

People who are drawn to daylife-aligned activities want to meet people and want to go out, but don’t want social gatherings to be centered on drinking, according to Shahini.

Research shows that alcohol consumption is linked to a higher risk of cancer, including colorectal cancer and breast cancer and an increased risk of dementia.

Beyond the health impacts, Kathryn Cross, a licensed professional counsellor with Thriveworks in Atlanta, said people are avoiding alcohol for its mental health impact, too.

“We are seeing that people are starting to prioritise other activities and other forms of socialisation just because we are in a season where everybody, for different reasons, is feeling heavy and alcohol tends to highlight heaviness in many different ways,” Cross said, “whether that’s aggression, irritability, sadness, it kind of traps people in their mind a little bit, and people are trying to find a better outlet for being so internalised in their thoughts.”

Shahini added that people are aware of the side effects of drinking alcohol – hangovers, bad sleep, getting drunk, bad decisions – which is also leading this shift.

Movement-based social gatherings lead to feelings of joy and accomplishment

“When you work out and feel that high that comes from working out … you keep feeling better. I think that’s much more interesting,” Shahini said.

People want to take care of themselves, he noted, which is a major feature of the run clubs, Pilates classes and other fitness activities that are booming in popularity right now. And while exercise helps you build muscle, bone strength and cardiovascular fitness, it also has measurable mental health benefits.

“Exercise stimulates the release of endorphins, the feel-good hormones in your body, which would help reduce the symptoms of anxiety and depression,” Cross said.

Joining a fitness class or run club to meet people already gives you a baseline level of connection

If you go to a certain gym or certain fitness club, you already have something in common with the other people there, Shahini said. You have similar fitness interests and you probably live in the same area.

This makes it easier to build a friendship with someone. Think about it: You can bring up your latest workout or your new fitness goal with another person who understands the kinds of workouts you do.

Social connections help us feel less isolated, Cross added, which is necessary in a country that has an epidemic of isolation and loneliness.

If you want to try out daylife, start with gyms in your area – sign up for classes on the same day and time each week so you eventually get to know the people who go to the gym then. You can also look at local groups on Facebook to learn more about local Pilates groups, running clubs and more, Cross noted.

When you do eventually make it out to one of these fitness groups, don’t be nervous about meeting or talking to new people. As mentioned above, you already have something in common.

Plus, “everyone is looking for an opportunity to feel seen by others, and everyone could use connections,” said Cross.

Help and support:

There Are Clear Body Language Signs Someone Thinks You Are Annoying

Posted on 25/01/2026 by Boris Clair

We’ve all been there: mid-story, mid-vent, mid-enthusiastic ramble, and suddenly the other person’s energy shifts. Their smile fades. Their eyes wander down to their phone. Their whole body seems to quietly scream: “Please stop.”

Most of us don’t realise when we’re annoying someone. We just think we’re being ourselves.

We might think we’re offering the type of advice our spouse really needs to hear right now. We think sharing our story from last night’s gym session is just as funny to our friend as it was to us. Or we might (wrongly) assume that filling the silence with the latest story about our cat is a welcomed icebreaker for our co-workers in the break room.

But what might feel normal or relieving to us can feel like irritation to another.

The thing about annoyance is that it’s rarely announced out loud. People – whether on the playground or in the office – are often too polite to say, “Hey, you’re annoying me right now.” Instead, it shows up through subtle changes in posture, facial expressions, tone and attention.

While we might not always be liked by everyone, which is totally normal, if we’re not quick to notice the signs that we’re annoying someone, we might continue not reading the room and further alienate the people around us.

According to the licensed psychologists HuffPost spoke with, these quiet cues are often more honest than words. Here are the body language signs to watch for when you’re annoying someone.

Their face gives them away

Not everyone has a poker face – no matter how hard they might try.

“Annoyance may first appear in a person’s face,” says Dr. Michele Leno, a licensed psychologist and host of Mind Matters with Dr. Michele.

Subtle eye-rolling, a sudden blank expression or looking away while you’re talking – these are all red flags that you’re annoying someone.

“When someone is irritated, their nervous system activates a mild fight-or-flight response,” Leno explained. “Micro-expressions – like an eye roll – are quick, unconscious ways the body tries to release tension.”

In other words: even if they’re still nodding politely, their face may already be telling you how they really feel.

They look at their phone

This one is pretty much universal. “When someone looks at their phone, it often shows boredom or annoyance,” Samantha Whiten, a clinical psychologist, told HuffPost. “They’re using a socially sanctioned way to get out of talking to you and hoping you take the hint.”

In today’s always connected culture, phones provide an easy escape. But when someone is genuinely interested in you, they stay engaged, and if they do get interrupted, they usually apologise and try to come back to the conversation.

If you continuously encounter someone gazing down at their phone when you open your mouth, chances are, you annoy them.

They start distancing themselves

If someone is annoyed with you, you may feel them pulling away – emotionally, physically or both.

“Did they walk away when you entered the room? Did they indirectly refuse to engage in conversation with you? If so, you may annoy them,” Leno said.

They may avoid you by declining invitations that include you. Texts might become sporadic or ultimately leave you on read.

It’s hard not to take this behaviour personally, but as Leno notes, people typically act like this when they feel “overwhelmed, and in an effort to protect their personal space, they keep their distance.

A person’s emotional bandwidth may not accommodate anxiety-producing situations, so they remove themselves as needed.”

They sigh, fidget or take deep breaths

Those exaggerated inhales you heard from your co-worker when you started talking about your latest Netflix obsession? They’re not random.

“We need to protect our well-being at all times,” Leno said. So behaviours like deep breaths, fidgeting or shifting in place, she said, are all physical attempts to calm the nervous system and reset when tension is building, aka when you’re annoying someone.

If someone suddenly starts sighing or picking at their fingernails while you’re talking, it may be their body signalling overload.

Their arms cross over their chest

Seeing someone with crossed arms doesn’t necessarily mean you have to hike up the thermostat at work – it’s often about protection.

“This is a defensive posture,” Whiten said. “The person is trying to put up a virtual shield.” If crossed arms are paired with looking away, a lack of smiling or silence, it’s a strong sign the person feels intruded on or overwhelmed.

That’s your cue to give them space.

Their tone changes

Listen not just to what a person says to you but how they say it.

“If a person goes from calm and engaged to flat or high-pitched, they may be attempting to reduce tension,” Leno said. Short answers like “yes” or “no” when more detail would normally come are another giveaway. This goes for text messages too.

Tone shifts often happen when someone wants out of a conversation but doesn’t feel comfortable saying it.

They yawn – openly

Most adults can usually control their yawns. So when someone yawns right in front of you?

“Some part of them is hoping you’ll notice and disengage,” Whiten said. ”If someone combines this with looking away or an unsmiling or quiet demeanour, it is best to conclude that you may be irritating or overwhelming them, and move to talk to another person.”

What to do if you realise you’ve annoyed someone

First: pause. “Listen without offering advice or judgment,” Leno said. “Ask what is needed instead of assuming.” Simply slowing down and being curious can de-escalate tension quickly.

The simplest tool to become more self-aware of your behaviour? Watch how people respond to you.

“The best way to understand how your behaviour affects others is to notice their reactions to your presence,” Leno said.

And if you suspect something is off, a gentle, honest conversation can help clear the air.

At the same time, it’s OK to accept that not everyone will love your communication style. “It’s important to be authentic,” Leno said. “If someone is unreasonably irritated by who you are, it may be healthier to create distance than to contort yourself to please them.”

Engage 20: Creating Positive Social Ripples

Posted on 22/01/2026 by Boris Clair

Lesson 20 of the free Engage course invites you to consider simple ways to encourage and uplift the people whose lives you touch.

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Enjoy!

Dealing With A Narcissist? The ‘BIFF’ Method Could Help

Posted on 20/01/2026 by Boris Clair

You might have heard of “grey rocking”, a method which experts say can make dealing with narcissistic and high-conflict people a little easier.

It involves keeping comments and responses to antagonistic individuals short, boring, and emotionally uninvested.

And, therapist Danielle Pinals shared on her Instagram, the “BIFF” method might help those dealing with a narcissist ensure they don’t “allow you to get derailed by emotional manipulation or control”.

Here, we spoke to relationship therapist and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos, about how (and when) to try the BIFF method.

What is the BIFF method?

Coined by Bill Eddy at the High Conflict Institute, the term stands for “brief, informative, friendly, and firm”.

In other words, don’t spend too long explaining yourself, stay courteous, make sure you relay only the relevant information, and stick to your guns.

An example, the High Conflict Institute explained, could be getting a very long, angry text accusing you of being a terrible person and mother because you asked your coparent to take the kids to your boss’s birthday during their stay.

A BIFF response, they said, would be: “Thank you for responding to my request… Just to clarify, the party will be from 3-5 on Friday at the office, and there will be approximately 30 people there.

“There will be no alcohol, as it is a family-oriented firm, and there will be family-oriented activities. I think it will be a good experience for them to see me at my workplace. Since you do not agree, then of course I will respect that and withdraw my request, as I recognise it is your parenting time.”

When should you use the BIFF method?

Aside from being useful for navigating situations like divorce and coparenting, Roos said, “it can also be helpful during conflicts at work, with relatives and your partner’s family.”

This does not have to be limited to people you suspect of narcissm, though it may be useful then too.

In fact, she added, “I would recommend people to use the BIFF method when they notice that the conversation starts to get loaded, [accusatory], or [circular and] aggressive. It’s especially useful in written communication, such as in emails or SMS.”

Following the BIFF method significantly decreases the chance of escalation, she added.

“I see this as a great way to protect both yourself and the relationship in question as it helps you set boundaries without being cold, cynical or aggressive,” she ended.

“And while it’s far from easy all the time, it’s definitely a strategy worth getting better at as it’ll help you long term with getting more peaceful, communicative and mature relationships, no matter if they’re private or professional.”

Why ‘Write A List’ Is An Insulting Response To Housework Inequality

Posted on 19/01/2026 by Boris Clair

91% of women with children spend at least one hour a day on housework, compared with 30% of men with kids, the European Institute for Gender Equality shared in 2021.

According to the same data, working women spend 2.3 hours a day on housework, whereas working men spend 1.6 hours on it daily.

These are, of course, only averages; some men will do as much as women, and some more. Additionally, not all domestic labour imbalances will fall along gendered lines (though in most mixed-gender relationships, it’s likely to).

But no matter what, or who, the cause of chore inequality, chances are anyone who brings up being on the more labour-intensive side of it will have heard “write them/me a list!” at least once.

I have grown to despise that advice in relationships where one person is already doing the bulk of the domestic work. Here, we spoke to relationship therapist and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos, about why I might not be alone.

“Write a list” profoundly misunderstands the nature of domestic inequality

Roos said that, while she understands that the idea aims to “create a fairer share of the home labour, I think this advice in reality fails to address the core problem”.

It creates more work for someone who, by nature of being given the task, likely already does the lion’s share of domestic labour, she said.

“When one of the partners is expected to write a list and manage things, they also get all of the responsibility for the situation in their lap as they then must see what needs to be done, to prioritise and organise, and plan and follow through… [which is a] big workload.

“This tip also tends to add to the myth that (usually) women should just ‘know how to run a home and a relationship’, as if it were a skill you’re born with rather than something you learn and build up together with your partner,” she added.

Plus, Roos said, it adds to the feeling that one partner is “helping” another, implying that household work is inherently one partner’s domain.

And a single list assumes that housework is static, that noticing, judging, pre-empting, remembering, and reacting to changes and unexpected shifts in your household’s needs isn’t a huge part of the mental load.

“That said,” Roos told me, “I think it’s [a] pretty stupid piece of advice that in reality tends to make things worse rather than solving anything between you”.

What should couples do instead?

OK, so Roos agrees that the dreaded list should be off the table. But given that domestic labour inequality is so pronounced, and that at least some of the parties involved probably want to improve that, what should we do instead?

“I think the focus should be shifted… to share[d] responsibility,” the therapist told us.

Instead of assigning a “project manager” role to one partner, she added, “Ask yourselves what’s your shared responsibility, where the two of you can take more initiative and where you can lead, and communicate around what tasks you feel more keen on doing and try to split it between you in a fair way”.

It’s important to find a way to follow up on that, too, she continued, “for example, by sitting down and having a check-in every second week where both of you take a shared responsibility of communicating how it goes, what you can do better or change and what you should keep on doing the same.”

The partner who has historically done less in the home needs to understand why this is important, however, she added.

“To make them understand that, you might need to sit down and have a talk where you honestly explain how it feels to you when they say [things like], ‘Just tell me what to do and I do it’… you’re not their parent, and this dynamic easily makes it feel that way, which isn’t sustainable in the long run.

“And lastly, don’t forget that this is something you’ll need to tweak and adjust with time as life changes… household labour needs to stay up to date with your situation,” she ended.

“Finding the balance is therefore nothing you do through one set solution, but by having an ongoing process around the labour work at home!”

Ask A Sexologist: Why Don’t I Feel In The Mood For Sex Until My Partner Initiates?

Posted on 16/01/2026 by Boris Clair

Not all lust is the same, licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos, told HuffPost UK.

Sure, there’s the better-known spontaneous desire ― a sudden, proactive urge that can cause the spark that initiates sex.

But Roos said that though “many people have gotten the idea of the lust being something that ‘just should pop up’… this is rarely the reality”.

Instead, she explained, a lot of us experience “reactive desire”.

What is reactive desire?

For those with “reactive desire,” lust only, or mostly, kicks in in response to another’s expression of attraction.

That can be “someone taking the initiative to [create] closeness, physical touch and a flirty atmosphere,” she said.

Desire can kick in once those with “reactive desire” feel sexually wanted she explained.

There is nothing wrong with feeling this way, Roos added; it’s “common”.

How can I tell if I have “reactive desire”?

Roos gave three signs:

“Rarely spontaneously feeling that ‘I want to have sex right now’” urge,
Feeling desire ramp up “when your partner initiates kisses and physical touch,”
Worrying or feeling confused about your approach to sex, as while “you rarely [feel like initiating] getting intimate, still when you have sex, it’s pleasurable and feels good”.

How can “responsive desire” affect your sex life?

On the plus side, “responsive desire tends to make the sex more focused on the foreplay, the emotional connection and pleasure, not performance,” Roos said.

This is especially true if you’re both aware of your lust types.

But if you don’t communicate about your desires, the sexologist added, “A partner can also misread your lack of initiative as you not being interested or attracted anymore, or that you’re rejecting them”.

Additionally, “you can start doubting yourself and wonder if you actually want sex anymore, which can lead to pressure and stress that becomes a downward spiral”.

Your partner might have a responsive desire type too, in which case, “your sex life is at risk of slowing down”.

How can I have a better sex life with “responsive desire”?

Communication, as ever, is key.

“Explain that you not taking initiative isn’t is because you’re not interested in and attracted to your partner, and to set words on how your lust works, for example, by saying ‘I often get in the mood first when we already have started to get intimate, which makes it difficult for me to be the one who initiates intimacy,’” Roos told us.

Mention what gets you going, whether it’s your partner expressly communicating that they want to have sex with you or engaging in physical touch.

“Don’t forget to [affirm] your partner and show appreciation when they are taking the initiative… that will increase the chance of them keeping doing so!”

What if neither my partner nor I initiate sex, but love when we have it?

It’s “way more common than people might think” for both partners to have a responsive desire type, said Roos.

In fact, it’s sometimes “the reason behind a dead bedroom despite both of you actually being interested in sex.

“I recommend starting with relieving the initiative by deciding that it mustn’t mean ‘I want sex now,’ but instead is a way of saying, ‘I want to open up for intimacy.’”

Deciding to create low-pressure intimacy plans ahead of time or having romantic rituals that naturally build lust can help, too, she added.

“Get a table at a restaurant and go for a romantic dinner, decide on having a massage session at home this weekend, have a routine of showering together one day a week or go to sleep at the same time, and do so naked,” she suggested.

Lastly, she ended, “be curious instead of judging yourselves or each other. See the lust as something that can grow, develop and change with time.

“When two people with responsive desires work together as a team to find the ways that work for you, you can create a safe, playful, passionate and living sex life together!”

You Probably Need More Age-Gap Friendships

Posted on 13/01/2026 by Boris Clair

The numbers 15 and 20 might sound reasonable when you’re deciding how much to tip your server at a restaurant. But when they refer to an age gap between romantic partners, they’re more likely to raise eyebrows.

Even if you’re not a fan of May-December romances, experts say that age-gap friendships are one type of intergenerational relationship we can all get behind. According to research, we tend to gravitate toward people who are similar to us, a phenomenon called homophily.

Consequently, our friend groups often include people who share our interests, education, politics and life experience.

When your friends are of a similar age, it’s hard to avoid comparing your life to theirs. “One of the benefits of having older friends who are in a different life stage is the freedom to share without conflicted feelings,” a licensed clinical psychologist said.

And while it might seem like a good idea to prioritise friendships with people you can relate to, you might be missing out on what other generations have to offer. Below, experts discuss the benefits of befriending someone who is 10-plus years older or younger than you.

The real benefits to having older friends

You’re less likely to doubt your pace in life.

When your friends are of a similar age, it’s hard to avoid comparing your life to theirs. Maybe they just received a promotion or set off on their honeymoon. On the outside, you might be congratulating them for reaching these milestones, but it’s only natural to worry about falling behind.

“One of the benefits of having older friends who are in a different life stage is the freedom to share without conflicted feelings,” Charlynn Ruan, a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder of Thrive Psychology Group, told HuffPost. “We can share our wins without feeling like we are bragging or triggering our friends who might not be doing well in that area.”

Jenny Woo, a Harvard-trained emotional intelligence researcher and founder/CEO of Mind Brain Emotion, and author of 52 Essential Relationships, agreed, saying, “Age-gap friendships help younger people zoom out from the comparison trap by reminding them that timelines are flexible and growth is nonlinear.” An older friend can provide a safe space to talk without the pressure of having to compete or project an image of success.

They act as mentors and surrogate family members.

“Historically, across many cultures we used to live in much more supportive multi-generational communities where younger people had access to older individuals who had more life experience and advice to pass down,” Natalie Moore, LMFT, owner of Space for Growth Therapy & Coaching, told HuffPost. She said that many of her clients, most of whom are in their 20s and 30s, don’t have emotional support from mentors or role models.

“So, it makes sense that younger adults would seek out older friends to fill that gap,” she said. “Additionally, so many adults do not have positive relationships with their parents, so an older friend can act as almost a surrogate parent to provide the type of support they need.”

Aside from support, an older friend can promote a sense of continuity by sharing memories and traditions. For example, they can pass along recipes or inspire you to take up so-called “grandma hobbies,” like crocheting, knitting and gardening. We know from research that taking a break from your phone can improve your mental health.

They can enhance your personal growth

If you spend a lot of time interacting with same-age peers, especially online, this can limit your perspective on the world. “We often see this where millennials and Gen Zs complain about the tone-deaf responses of older generations to their struggles to buy houses and afford to move out,” Ruan said. In this politically divisive climate, it’s important to be able to have respectful conversations with people who see the world differently than you do.

“An older friend can offer candid, judgment-free feedback without the power dynamics of a parent or boss,” Woo said. Whereas a peer can empathise with the current job market, an older friend can tell you what it was like to make a career pivot or adjust to life in a new city.

In addition, someone who is 20 years your senior is more likely to have experience with navigating career uncertainty, identity questions or relationship concerns. “Younger people often feel more motivated to invest in their physical and emotional well-being when they see the real impacts in someone older,” Woo said.

It’s not just the younger friend who benefits — here’s why you might want a younger bestie

They add variety and spontaneity to your life.

“Being around someone younger can reignite a sense of vitality, spontaneity and playfulness,” Woo said. You can learn about new trends and technologies, or rediscover past hobbies and interests. For instance, a 2024 study found that playing a musical instrument can keep your mind sharp as you age.

Similar to young adults, the trend of having friends who are similar to you persists as you get older. “This can cause people to become narrow-minded and judgmental, so having younger friends can help keep your mind open and curious,” Ruan said.

Moore agreed, explaining that a younger friend may expose an older friend to new ideas or ways of seeing the world. “This can challenge them to be more relevant with current events, technology or the ever-changing zeitgeist,” she added.

You can share without competing

“Sadly, social comparisons don’t lessen that much with age,” Ruan said. An older friend may struggle to find support from same-age peers. For example, they might feel judged for having their adult children move back home or continuing to work because they can’t afford to retire.

“Sharing these concerns with a younger friend can feel liberating because the younger adult can just listen and express comfort without the compulsion to give unhelpful advice,” she said. A younger friend may also be more empathetic about marriage and kids, considering they’re closer to the beginning of their journey.

“Being around someone younger can reignite a sense of vitality, spontaneity and playfulness,” a Harvard-trained emotional intelligence researcher said.

Their friendship can offer a renewed sense of purpose

“The act of sharing hard-earned wisdom gives older friends a sense of purpose and value, which can counteract ageism and a fear of irrelevance,” Woo said. Research shows that having a sense of meaning and direction can help you weather life transitions such as divorce, retirement or an illness diagnosis.

In fact, “There’s a phenomenon of brain development where younger adults are more geared toward learning, whereas adults in midlife and beyond are more inclined toward sharing what they’ve learned,” Moore said. She said that this makes sense from an evolutionary perspective because a younger person with less life experience has more learning to do than someone who has knowledge that can benefit future generations.

How to make sure your age-gap friendship doesn’t become one-sided

Sometimes, age-gap friendships can resemble a mentorship relationship where the younger person is expecting career advice or networking opportunities. In such cases, an older friend might have a hard time being vulnerable because they feel pressured to have all the answers.

“If an older friend is falling into a role of providing all the advice and not receiving any, they could point that out or adjust their behavior,” Moore said. Likewise, Ruan suggested encouraging your older friend to speak about their struggles, so it becomes a two-way street. You can also make a habit of asking them for updates on things they’ve shared recently to avoid doing all the talking or advice-seeking.

Over time, the younger friend may eclipse their older friend’s accomplishments. “This can cause a strain on the relationship if there is an undercurrent of teacher and student in their dynamic,” Ruan said. Your relationship is more likely to survive if you’re both willing to be vulnerable and support each other through periods of loss and transition.

Woo agreed, saying that it’s best to avoid having an age-gap friendship that’s focused primarily on mentorship. Her advice was to set boundaries, so the younger friend doesn’t come to rely on the older friend as a therapist or life coach. She also suggested participating in activities that aren’t centered on advice-giving, such as physical activity and shared interests like art projects or a book club.

“Healthy age-gap friendships are built on mutual respect and curiosity,” Woo said. “Both people should bring effort and energy to the relationship.”

‘My Boyfriend’s Jokes Started Including Creepy Details. Can I Ever Trust Him Again?’

Posted on 01/12/2025 by Boris Clair

Though closeness is an important part of a great relationship, the cofounder and COO of Fresh Starts Registry, Genevieve Dreizen, says that privacy is key, too.

“As a person who spends a great deal of time helping people navigate life transitions and emotional crossroads, I always remind people that privacy is not a threat to intimacy,” the etiquette expert said.

In fact, she calls it a “necessary ingredient” for a healthy partnership.

Perhaps that’s why Redditor u/taliv_03 said she feels so “disgusted” after learning that her partner had been rifling through her diary.

Writing to the forum r/TwoHotTakes, the original poster (OP) said that she first suspected him of reading her journal about a month ago, when his jokes about her changed.

Here, we asked Dreizen to weigh in on the tricky situation.

OP’s partner began joking about details only shared in her journal

The poster, a 27-year-old woman, said that her partner (a 29-year-old man) had been together for a little over a year when she noticed the change.

Throughout that period, she had a paper diary that her boyfriend knew about. It is a “non-negotiable” for her, she says; her partner had previously “teased me [about it] once in a sweet way, calling it my ‘brain compost bin.’”

About a month ago, though, she started noticing something strange about her partner’s jokes.

“We were with friends, and he made a joke about how I [research] symptoms for my cat more than for myself… It stung because that exact line was in my journal the night before, word for word,” OP wrote.

“A week later, he told this story to my sister about how I still feel guilty for breaking a snow globe when I was five. I have never told that story out loud, only wrote it down after a therapy session.”

Two nights ago, she said she walked in to see her diary open on a coffee table in front of her. He claimed he had moved it to save it from the cat, she said.

After he mentioned yet another private musing, though, she raised her suspicions with him, “and he got defensive, said I should not write things down if I don’t want them to be ‘found art’, and that I was overreacting because ‘partners should not have secrets.’”

Since then, OP writes, she has felt “disgusted and stupid, like my safe place just got ripped open for someone else’s stand-up routine.

“At the same time, I keep wondering if I am making this bigger than it is. Is reading a partner’s journal and then using their thoughts as jokes a hard deal breaker, or something you can actually rebuild trust from?” she ended.

“This is a boundary violation”

Speaking to HuffPost UK, Dreizen explained: “When a partner reads your diary, they aren’t just crossing a line of etiquette; they are trespassing on the internal space where you tell the truth to yourself. That space is sacred.

“A diary is not a shared document, not a negotiation, not a relationship ledger.”

And when someone snoops in your diary, “You’re dealing with a breach of trust that destabilises the foundation of emotional safety in the relationship.”

It turns a private space into an arena where you suddenly have to worry about leaving yourself open to teasing and jokes, the expert added.

“That kind of emotional exposure can make you question your reality, tiptoe around your own inner world, or feel ashamed of feelings you were never meant to defend.

“The injury is not just about the reading – it’s about the casualness with which your boundaries were dismissed, the entitlement to your inner life, and the refusal to take accountability afterwards.”

For her part, Dreizen said, “The first step is acknowledging that this isn’t a difference in opinion about privacy. This is a boundary violation. The partner’s belief that ‘partners shouldn’t have secrets’ is a misconception wrapped in control.

She said that in this case, repair is only possible once OP’s partner has proven that he understands that he’s wrong and why and has taken concrete steps to change.

Dreizen asked the poster, should she wish to give her partner another try, to say something like, “I’m open to moving forward, but only if you take responsibility without minimising and commit to respecting my boundaries. What steps are you willing to take to make that happen?”